second wind
after a few years of rebuilding yourself, you once again meet the man you loved the most.
pairing: seungcheol x reader
summary: one of your best friends are getting married and your first boyfriend reappears in your life five years after you begged him for a breakup.
tags: heavy angst, comfort, slice of life, romance
content/trigger warning: mentions of death/s, grief, s**c*d* attempt, heavy themes of self-sabotage and mental health issues, abandonment issues are implied and mentioned, mature scenes are implied.
word count: 10.3K words
author's note: i encourage you to listen to daniel caesar's who knows while reading this fic
“Exes to lovers,” you start.
“What do you think of me in that genre?” you add to your best friend, Joy.
“For starters, it is your genre,” she shoots back, causing her to snort at the jab she just gave you.
“Funny,” you reply sarcastically.
“But it is,” she defends, “You sabotage yourself when time comes that all good things happen to you and end up hung up on the person you let go eons ago because you realize how good they were.”
You do not have anything else to say. She’s right. You did it so many times. It’s a sleepover at your place tonight—a tradition that started when you both got out of the university and had less supervision from your parents. Joy is the youngest and only girl in the family, while you, on the other hand, are an only child. Both roles in the family that put you two through shit holes and are the reasons why you’ve been friends since senior high school.
Focusing on the movie and trying not to deconstruct the characterization of the people in it (an impossible mission, by the way, since you write for a blog and Joy is a passionate Literature graduate), you take a swig of your alcohol, and she digs for another scoop of ice cream using her spoon. It’s a Saturday night, and just like everyone else, you’re both taking your mind out of work.
“Did you confirm you’re coming to Isabela and Mingyu’s engagement?” Joy raises an eyebrow.
“Oh shoot!” You exclaim, using your hands to look for your phone in between the cushions of your leather sofa frantically.
You forgot it once again after taking note to check the email many times mentally. It’s one of those annoying things about you that you hate—being forgetful of many things.
You were not really like this before. Your friends and family know how good you were with the small things—how you know about all the details, even if they were never explicitly shown to you. In one of those drinking sessions you had with your internet bestfriend of fifteen years, he shared how this attribute of yours before may have stemmed from your constant worry that the person you were with at a particular moment would hate you just because of a single action or word you had blurted out. To sum it up, basically, he said that your good memory was a sign of hyper awareness because of abandonment issues. You swore that you had said ‘damn’ a lot of times during that night. It was one of those nights that alcohol felt like weed to you and Joey, that you turned into modern philosophers.
After what felt like an eternity of your hands between the cushions of your sofa and a momentary flashback of one of those mind-boggling drinking sessions you had that was caused by the variety of alcohol you can’t even recall anymore, you finally have the phone in your hand.
“Do you think he would be there?” You ask Joy.
She pauses the movie playing on the television and faces you. You brace yourself for the monologue she’s about to give you for asking the question.
“If he is, are you ready?” She asks back.
It’s one of those things that gives you the ick in Filipino culture, the art of answering questions with another question.
“Kumain ka na ba? (Did you eat already?).”
“Bakit? (Why?)”
You wanted to ask Joy a question, and yet, she has managed to open Pandora's box by answering with another question.
“I think I am? He might be married already,” you reply.
“Do you want me to check it for you?” she asks.
You shake your head, “It’s none of my business anymore.”
Joy has always hated you talking about your ex-boyfriend before. She has always said that it’s counterproductive for you to speak of something that you ended yourself. Maybe she was disappointed, or maybe she’s being moved by her pity towards you. You never asked, even though you know how frank and straightforward she can be. You just don’t have the heart to know which is which.
Yet, she’s asking you questions and offering to do something she would never want to do if you asked her a year ago.
Maybe everyone has moved on from your relationship with him, but you know it’s not true—not when it still keeps you up at night from time to time.
After a few taps on the screen of your phone, you have managed to RSVP to your friend’s engagement party with her long-time boyfriend.
“You were right about the two of us racing to the title of being the last ones to get married,” you chuckle at your friend.
“Of course, I know me, and I know you,” she emphasizes on part of knowing you with a grin.
“I won, though. I know Wonwoo will propose to you,” you tell her.
“Are you giving me some sort of spoiler?” She chuckles, eyes wide.
You shake your head, “No. I have no idea, but I’m speaking as the girl who managed to bring her two bestfriends together during the time they both thought she was going to die.”
Joy frowns momentarily, the memory of you during those times leaving a disgusting taste in her mouth. She hated those times.
Well, you hated that time in your life, too.
She never spoke again. Joy continued the movie. You understood. It’s something not to be spoken about on a Saturday night you decided to sleep beside each other in your condominium.
-
The month after the sleepover, you stare at the whiteboard in the hallway of your home. It’s a monthly planner that you update every first week of the month.
Hailey’s birthday
Date with Niki and Joanne
Wax appointment
Isabela and Mingyu’s engagement party!
Your eyes widen upon seeing the last words along with the exclamation point.
“Son of a bitch,” you mutter under your breath.
You retrieve your phone from your pocket to see the details. You have to know if you’re going for a quick dress shopping.
“May 26…Pink and black…Dress…” you scan through the invitation.
You have those colors in your closet. You quickly pace to your bedroom to check your closet.
You have a day left before the event, unfortunately.
“These dresses are already worn a few too many times,” you sigh.
You’re bound for last-minute shopping.
You got out of work at exactly five o’clock. It’s a work-from-home day, fortunately, and things were light, unusual, as you have a lot of tasks to do on Fridays. Taking advantage of this, you immediately hopped on a train going to Megamall, where most of the fashion boutiques are located.
Joy asked you what gift you are buying for the couple just some minutes ago. You told her you’re still unsure and you’re buying something to wear as well.
You enter some boutiques to look at the dresses they have.
During the trip to the fifth boutique, you saw a cute long dress in the shade of pink you always loved. You immediately tried on your usual size and grinned in the mirror inside the fitting room as it hugged your body perfectly.
Another perfect thing for you. Unusual.
Once you paid for it and recalled that you had the perfect shoes at home for the dress, you proceeded to the department store to look for what you could give the couple.
You go to the floor where home improvement is located. From what you can recall from Isabela’s stories of her beloved fiancé, Mingyu loves to maintain a clean home—something that you consider as something that’s to her advantage for someone who works for an auditing firm and would have no time to do house tasks at times.
It’s a maze of shelves and displays in the department stores. While you’re glad because you know you’ll hit the daily ten thousand steps, you know you’ll be asleep the moment your back hits the soft sheets of your bed.
Imagining the feel of the six-hundred-thread-count cotton sheets you have currently on your bed, you realize the perfect gift. A set of sheets for their bed and pillows. You recall Isabela and Mingyu have a king-sized bed for the house they bought together just last year. She brought it up during one of your quarterly girls’ day out.
Recalling Gourdo’s closed already in this mall, you decided to continue shopping inside the department store.
You walk around, looking for the beds section.
Nearing the area, you continue to walk until you see a familiar back.
You freeze.
“That’s not possible.”
Regaining your composure quickly, you hide yourself in an area with a greater view.
The man moved and turned to his side.
It’s him with a baby and a woman you don’t recognize.
Knowing you didn’t have the heart to see more of that, you quickly came out of hiding and walked briskly to the section where the sheets are.
You knew that having the perfect day had its consequences. It has been like that for you. You just didn’t expect to see that.
It must be time to face the music of your actions almost four years ago.
It took you three hours to shop at the mall. Once your back hits the bed, you close your eyes. Yet, to no avail, you can’t sleep. Your mind flashes the memory of him holding a baby just earlier.
You’re trying not to drill yourself over it, but your stupid mind has been trying to make you understand that this could have been something for you. However, the thought of you and him having a child together is a luxury, one that shouldn’t cross your mind—not when you knelt and begged for him to leave you.
You shut your eyes tightly this time, not liking one bit of the memories starting to flash in your mind.
-
2024
Year of the dragon. They say it was your year.
In the first month of the year, you were longer on probation at work. In February, ironically, at an anti-Valentine party you attended on the 14th of the month, you met the love of your life. Your first love.
“At twenty-three, your first boyfriend is a twenty-seven-year-old man,” Louise retorted when your friend group met for a day out.
“What can I say? I was never meant to be with someone our age,” you told her.
“And senior high taught her she’s not for younger men either,” Hailey joked, earning a fake annoyed ‘hey’ from you before you chuckled.
April showers, they said. You graduated from college and landed a job with a rigorous hiring process, securing it even before your graduation ceremony.
“Things are finally looking up for you, my love,” Joy said, hugging you.
It was July when you and your ex-boyfriend made things official. Everything was light, and you felt like it was truly your year.
“Baby, do you like it?” He asked when he handed over his gift—a beautiful gold necklace.
You nodded.
It was one of those moments when you truly understood why, despite being overrated, people always seek love. You were never truly a fan back then. Love has always been conditional for you. Despite the chances to give in to it back then, you never did. It never fit your schedule. It was not on your agenda back then. You were just a laser-focused student with so much to prove to your family.
“Hey, love,” you turned to your ex-boyfriend.
He looked at you and almost dropped his jaw when he saw what you looked like.
“I’m ready,” you whispered in his ear when you reached where he was standing.
Your ex-boyfriend looked at you lovingly before cupping your face for a gentle kiss.
“Are you sure?” He asked.
You nod before dropping one of the straps of your nightgown.
It was your year.
2025
The new year celebration with your family felt different. It was quiet despite the many firecrackers and fireworks your cousins bought from Bocaue and the yelling from that one obnoxious family member when the clock struck twelve. You were on FaceTime with your ex-boyfriend at the time, making the most of technology as you couldn’t be together on that day.
February came, and for the first time, you finally had a proper Valentine's Day date with the person you met at an anti-Valentine's event on the same date the year before.
“It’s been a year since I met you,” he chuckled.
“I know. I managed to get myself a cute boyfriend at an event that’s meant to reject the idea of relationships and the consumerism of this holiday,” you replied as you toyed with your flute of champagne.
“Do you know I was never meant to be there?” He told you for the first time.
You cocked your eyebrow, urging him to talk more.
“I was meant to go to Hansol’s birthday party that he organized for the singles, but I got the locations mixed up,” he chuckled over a mistake he rarely made.
“But I saw you there at that party. There’s no way I’ll leave that scene without talking to you,” he continued.
“When you found out I was younger than you for five years during the succeeding times we met, did you ever regret it? I mean, men your age here in the country are married now,” you quizzed.
“I was worried for you, especially when you told me you never went past the talking stage or the purgatory of relationships,” he admitted.
“The what?” You laughed.
“That thing is called something else nowadays, but we referred to it as mutual understanding before,” he rambled, trying to recall the specific word.
“Oh—oh, situationship,” You told him as you fell into a fit of laughter.
“That one,” he managed to say as he tried to contain himself from laughing loudly.
“But it makes sense, y’know? The description. It does feel like being in purgatory, waiting if this something uncertain will bloom into a full relationship or another story to tell when the liquor hits,” you said.
“I’m glad we did not remain in that place,” he admitted.
“Likewise, love,” you smiled.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too.”
It was March when things fell apart for you. Your aunt, whom you considered your second mother, met with an accident. It was too fast. You did not even recall much of what transpired in the midst of everything done to save her. You just found yourself in the funeral chapel at night after work, sitting along the long pews after most of the visitors had left. Your ex-boyfriend was there with you each night, not speaking much. He was just there for you.
The following months were a blur. They were right when they said that a death in the family will unearth all the secrets and growing remorse towards each other. It didn’t take too long to hit you.
Being with your ex-boyfriend made you forget the gravity of your role in the family. He managed to help you become your own person—not just someone from your family.
Yet, that reality had a way of catching up with you. There were things that your late aunt never told anyone but you. Her children never knew some things that you always carry with you as someone who stayed after everyone started having their own lives. It intensified the emptiness inside you and the grief that loomed over you like a big shadow.
Your ex-boyfriend was your support system, but even with him, the load was still heavy. You still held on to a lot of things, and they were sinking you into the deep ocean. He was always there to be your anchor, but a part of you didn’t want to be his burden. He deserved better than that.
A part of you was thinking that at that point in his life, he should be off planning a life with a woman and not picking up the pieces of the person you once were. You felt too heavy for everything and everyone, especially him.
You could not fulfill his needs. Sleepovers turned into nights where he held you closely, but you remained wide awake, pondering how life went downhill for you.
“I wish I were better for you,” you sobbed quietly as you caressed his face as he slept.
You knew you were experiencing something and you needed help, but you didn’t dare to acknowledge it. All you could grasp back then was that you were still highly functional. You remained your usual self at work and at home, suppressing any emotions that would come up at any point of the day.
No one knew how you would fight tears as a simple thing reminded you of the person who believed in you, aside from your own parents. You always longed for all of it to be just a bad dream, and that when you wake up, your beloved aunt has a message for you to read.
You felt so empty. You couldn’t give anything to anyone. You were on autopilot, gasping when you realized you were doing things subconsciously and overthinking if you did them right.
It felt like being in a dream that you were falling into an endless pit, screaming your lungs out. Yet, you seemed fine. You were still smiling despite feeling shit.
You were an empty cup, not even a single drop present—just dry. You could not even force yourself to cry just to let it out and feel. The whole new dynamic and grief took the soul out of you.
So you left one morning.
You took a bus going to a province up north. You placed your phone on silent and walked around the province.
Twenty thousand steps.
It took you that many steps until you saw the many missed calls from your mother and ex-boyfriend, so when the phone vibrated, and you saw it was him, you answered.
“Baby, where were you?!” He exclaimed, angry and relieved.
Then you started sobbing, chest heaving. The tears finally came. As rain drizzled, cooling the area where you stopped to eat your first meal of the day, you wept.
“Baby, I’m here,” your ex-boyfriend said from the other end of the line.
He knew and understood.
You knew that it was time to leave, too. You could not drag the man you loved to where you were. He never deserved that.
You wanted to leave, but can’t. It was July. You had to celebrate your first anniversary with him. Then it was August. Your birthdays were in the same week.
“Happy birthday, Love,” he whispered.
You only gave him a slight smile and blew out the lit candle on top of the cake he carried. You wished that he would fully accept the fact that you were leaving.
When it was his birthday, you went all out. You cooked a lot of food he loved and called all his friends and family. You wanted him to know he was loved. You wanted to make sure he was aware of the people who would always have his back. You were preparing to leave.
This gesture confused your then-boyfriend. He felt you slipping through his fingers. He was scared to admit he was losing you because you were, by far, the one he loved the most. Yet, a voice in him kept telling him that the person you once was was no longer there.
Then came the day you were both dreading. It started with heavy rain while he came over to your house, then the electricity was out, and so was the internet. You were in panic because you were in the middle of work that day. It was a busy day, so you were stressed and contacting everyone. Your ex-boyfriend kept telling you to calm down, but you were not able to grasp anything.
“Love,” he held your arms to stop you from moving around.
Then came the hot, fat tears that started flowing from your eyes to your cheeks, down to your skin. You pushed him away, unable to receive more of his affections. You felt suffocated and defeated by his warmth—guilty that you couldn’t take more of his love that you always knew was genuine.
“I’m so tired. I’m so down. I can’t do this anymore,” You told him truthfully.
Then you both found yourselves in the middle of the living room. Your ex-boyfriend was sitting on the long wooden chair, and you were kneeling in front of him.
“Please let me go,” you sobbed.
“I can’t do that,” he admitted.
“Please. I beg you. Let me go. I cannot have you give up on me, too. Please let me go before you start resenting me,” you begged.
He was crying, too. As the storm poured all the rain and blew the wind it had in it, the world you once shared broke down, too.
Your ex-boyfriend could not deny you a way out—not when you knelt and begged for it.
So for the remainder of the storm, you said your goodbyes and held each other because you both knew that once the skies cleared, you were going to be living separate lives.
-
Present
You woke up with just two hours to prepare for the party.
You’re currently cursing as you wear the heels you specifically bought for the pink dress you bought for the occasion.
You were not able to sleep well. All you could think of was what to say if he were there. You’re afraid that he might still be angry. You’re afraid to see him be with his family, holding a kid who should have been yours if life had never fucked you up in many ways.
You’re not ready to see the consequences of your actions.
No amount of therapy can prepare you to see the man you deeply loved.
“Girly pop, where are you?!” Joy asks over the phone as you close the door of the car you booked.
“I’m on my way. I should be there in an hour,” you tell her.
Maybe ticking the silent ride option in the app was a mistake today. It only makes you feel nervous about this party. You were not really informed that he and Mingyu are in the same circle of friends when you started dating. You only found out when his group decided to go on a couples’ trip.
His being there has at least seventy percent chances. He and Mingyu have been friends since they were in college, despite him being the former’s senior for two years.
-
2025
You were miserable after the breakup. Work started getting worse, too, but you were motivated to drown yourself in it.
“You’re not the company’s heir,” Wonwoo reminded you jokingly as you both packed your things after overtime work.
“I’m not?” You gasped dramatically, causing a sarcastic laugh from your friend.
Work was terrible, but it was the least of your worries during that time. The situation at home was worse. Your cousins moved out of the house they rented beside your childhood home after their mother died. Your mother was not the same, still mourning for her closest sister. When she had the chance to leave the city for a vacation, she gladly did—almost with no intention to return.
You were alone, and it was the first time everything sank in. You would wake up at night after reliving the breakup in your dream or the day you received the call that your aunt was in an accident. The night slowly became your enemy, attacking you at your most vulnerable state.
You knew you were wrong to let him go, but you had nothing to offer him anymore. You had no one because the person you least expected to leave was in the province, living the best life she could have, making you feel like you were a burden, a memory of life she got tired of living.
It was all too much to take in.
“I’m going to turn in. I’m tired,” You told your team, standing up to retreat to your room.
It was your team building somewhere in Subic. It was not the usual activity-packed but rather a calm one. Maybe it was because the whole team knew it was a heavy year for everyone. It was just hellish.
You were too tired for everything, and despite drinking melatonin, you couldn’t sleep. Your mind was too worked up to even trigger sleep.
You focused your mind on the sound of the waves. It felt like peace.
But you were greedy. You wanted more of that. You were desperate for peace, so you started walking.
Then you were on the shore. More.
Then you were walking on the shallow waters, wetting your clothes in the process. More.
As you walked further, letting the waters reach your neck, you closed your eyes. More.
“Oh god.”
You were suddenly yanked back to the shore.
“Nagpapakamatay ka ba? (Are you trying to kill yourself?).”
Wonwoo.
You were both wet. He was holding your arms just like your ex-boyfriend did that day you broke up with him. You could not answer him.
When you opened your mouth, you just sobbed and collapsed in his arms.
He did not say anything anymore but held you for hours as you cried like you did when your father died.
You were suddenly truly helpless.
-
Present
“Hi!” Hailey and the rest of the gang greet you with warm hugs.
It’s a blue moon occurrence for your group to be complete, but this day is too special to be missed by everyone. Isabella’s finally near her fairytale ending.
You look good. The dress you’re wearing matches the occasion, and your makeup is good today despite cramming and finishing the rest of it in the car because you prioritized curling your hair. You were twenty minutes late, but the program hasn’t started yet.
You put on your best smile, concealing the fact that you’ve been having a relapse since yesterday. Today cannot be ruined by everything, not when two of your closest friends are celebrating their upcoming union.
Joy rests her head for a few seconds on your shoulder as she passes by to encourage. You keep telling yourself you’re going to be fine despite everything.
Four years have passed. A lot of things have changed.
You keep on reminding yourself.
“Hi.”
You know that voice, despite not hearing it for the past few years.
“Seungcheol.”
-
2025
Due to the circumstances you were in, Wonwoo had no choice but to reach out to the friend he thought you were closest to. He was just desperate to save you before it was too late.
Joy cried when Wonwoo told her about what happened in Subic. She was afraid of losing you.
“I did not know she felt alone,” she told him over the phone, crying.
You were your usual self, trying to deflect and being ashamed of what happened that night. You knew you were under Wonwoo and Joy’s watchful eyes.
You told Wonwoo everything, and he listened as you turned into a kid, telling him everything that hurt you. Joy and the rest of your friend group knew this seven years into the friendship because you were too guarded and afraid to tell people your secrets and trauma.
Yet, those walls crumbled when you also started fighting for your life.
“Does he know about this?” Wonwoo asked you.
You only shook your head.
-
You look at him.
Seungcheol. Your ex-boyfriend.
“Hi,” he greets again, before inviting you to a hug.
You still can’t wrap your head around the fact that you’re face-to-face with him and he’s holding you once again. He still smells the same.
When he pulls away, you look at him. He aged, but he looks better. His cheeks are a little fuller now, but those brown eyes still manage to take your breath away.
“How are you?” He asks.
“I’m okay,” you respond.
Yet, it’s like you’re just convincing yourself rather than answering his question.
“How about you?” You choke out, trying to conceal the fact that you’re so nervous to see him again.
“I’m good. I’m busy with work,” he tells you.
“Same ol’ you then,” you manage to shoot back, making him chuckle.
-
2026
Sick of being watched closely by Wonwoo and Joy, you started therapy. You understood they were just scared to lose you, but the constant checking instead of taking care of the budding relationship they were obviously having annoyed you.
Initially, it was just to get less supervision from the two, but there were a lot of breakthroughs in those sessions you had.
“What made you think it was the best decision to break things off?” Your therapist asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just wanting control. I just did not want to see him give up on me just like everyone else,” you answered.
“Did you see your biological father in him?” She asked.
“No. He was far from that motherfucker. He was everything I wished for, which is why I don’t think I’ll be able to handle him leaving me,” you said.
Then it was a breakthrough.
You cut him off on everything. You blocked him everywhere the previous year, so you had no idea what was up with him. It was just useless and nonsense on your part to secretly keep up with him because it was you who made the mistake of begging him to break up.
You managed to get ahead of him, pulling stunts to erase traces of your relationship because you couldn’t bear to witness that part.
You just think it was the best thing to do to guard your heart.
Yet, 2026 taught you that the best way to guard your heart was to entrust it with someone you love and adore.
-
Present
You want to ask him how he is. Is he married? Does he have a kid already?
But you’re too awkward to ask. You’re not at that level of conversation anyway.
“I have to go back. You know,” you tell him, pouting your lips in the direction of your friend group’s table.
“Of course,” He chuckles, understanding what you mean.
Seungcheol remembers all of that.
You try not to look like you’re in a rush to exit from that awkward encounter with your ex-boyfriend.
Louise is singing Muling Ibalik as you sit down beside her. Your cheeks are red from the awkwardness and the teasing from your friends, but you’re relieved to know he’s not too angry. He can still be civil with you even after all the shit you put him through.
The party finally starts.
You breathe deeply, wishing to get through the day as it’s starting to drain you immediately.
-
2027
You have been in therapy for a year already. A lot changed.
Wonwoo and Joy officially started dating. They would include you on some dates, claiming they need to bond with their firstborn.
You started laughing genuinely again.
It was a tough journey. Therapy made you face and relive memories your brain forgot as a defense mechanism. It was exhausting, but you braved it because you wanted to be better.
You owed it to yourself to face everything and change because you lost a lot in the process of getting to where you were that year.
You started a new job, leaving Wonwoo alone at the company you had been at for the past few years of your life.
Daunting. It was the word to describe it, but you were to start fresh.
“That gentleman over there just bought you a Spanish Latte, Miss,” the waiter said, placing a tall glass of coffee on your table as you work on your dissertation as part of your master's degree.
His name was Jeonghan.
Maybe a new chance at love, too.
-
Present
“I know, baby. I’ll be home soon,” he coos, obviously on the phone.
“I love you,” he says, mouthing the words clearly to emphasize them to whoever’s at the end of the line.
That’s Seungcheol. You came from the bathroom. You just want to go back to your table to continue with the program, but instead, you overheard your ex-boyfriend talking on the phone.
Of course, he’ll move on. His life goes on without you.
You gulp at the thought, then remind yourself that it was the consequence of your past actions.
This party has managed to bring out every emotion you were able to control for the past few years. You’re mentally taking notes of what to say to your therapist.
As you go back to your seat, the program is on the next part now.
“As the wedding nears, they will need more help from you, guys. To help them with this special moment in their lives, the bride and groom will be announcing their bridesmaids and groomsmen,” the host happily declares.
You know you’re one of them. It’s been discussed by your friends that you’ll be each other’s bridesmaids during each other’s weddings. You played the role during Hailey’s and Jade’s weddings. Louise and Tia could not be married to their partners in this country, unfortunately. You’re going to be Joy’s bridesmaid when Wonwoo decides to finally propose. You, on the other hand, doubt if you’ll ever have a wedding of your own.
Your relationship with Jeonghan was brief, even shorter than what you had with Seungcheol. Yet, it was not that painful that what was with the latter. Jeonghan understood. Though his sad eyes told you that he loved you more than the way he delivered those three words to you the whole time together, he was happy to let you go. He understood that you were and are still a lost soul, drifting and looking for the way home.
Jeonghan knew he was a stop and not the destination. Yet, he taught you love can be light and profound at the same time—that it can be understanding and quiet. You were late to realize once again that what you had with him was deeper than you thought it was and than what you intended.
So you do what you always do. You live with the consequences of your actions.
“We paired our groomsmen and bridesmaids to make wedding preparations easier,” Mingyu smirks, almost in a mischievous manner. You missed out as you thought of your second ex-boyfriend.
On the screen, the pairings flashed.
“Gago. Seungcheol at ikaw oh (That’s you and Seungcheol),” Louise shakes you back to reality.
“What the hell,” you mutter.
You truly accept the consequences of your actions, but this one feels like a joke being played on you by your friends. Seungcheol seems to have moved on and already has a family to come home to. Why the heck would they pair him up with you?
“To all the names on the screen, go to the side of the stage so you can get familiar with each other,” Mingyu says on the mic.
You have no choice but to cooperate. After all, it’s Isabela you’re supporting and not anybody else. You’re here for her and the rest of your friends. You have no other choice but to suck it up.
You convince yourself some more as the whole situation seems too daunting.
“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asks when he senses the tension you’re feeling.
“I should be asking you that question,” you reply, almost quietly.
“Not to be nosy, but I was just on my way to the powder room when I heard you talking to your wife, girlfriend, or whatever. It’s probably awkward to be paired with your ex-girlfriend for a wedding,” you ramble, so you can just get over the awkwardness you’re feeling.
“Oh, that,” he chuckles.
“Remember Dahlia? She’s eight now and always looks for me. I’m not married nor in a relationship. I never had a much longer relationship than ours after the breakup,” he clarifies.
Hearing that gives you some relief. Yet, hearing the last sentence broke your heart. Did you traumatize him so much that he never had anyone that long after you?
“Oh, I’m sorry,” you trail because you really, truly feel sorry for a lot of reasons.
Yet, the point of all the countless apologies you want to tell him is for breaking his heart almost five years ago.
“It’s okay. It’s been so long. I’m just glad to see you again,” he tells you.
You feel like something’s stuck in your throat, and tears threaten to come down. You truly haven’t forgiven yourself for all the wrong decisions you made because of a wrong perception of things.
Your therapist, a middle-aged lady who reminds you of those jolly old aunties who work as guidance counselors in your school, always told you that you cannot truly fall in love and sustain relationships because fear has always commandeered your responses and actions towards love. Those relationships may have bloomed but never lasted because of it.
Seungcheol is the living proof of it, and his reappearance in your life is starting to make you beat yourself up once again.
You can see your therapist’s calm and smiley demeanor as her voice echoes in your head. While it creeps you out at times, you’re amazed at how psychiatrists look collected despite listening to some of the darkest secrets a person can possess—how they can look put together when their patient turns into a sobbing mess, recalling that point in their life where everything went south for them.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Seungcheol asks.
You cannot open your mouth because you feel a lot of emotions all at once and tears are still threatening to fall, so you nod. It’s just that difficult to see the one you truly loved and still feel angry at yourself for all the bad choices you’ve made.
—
Isabela and Mingyu’s wedding is a grandiose event. Isabela’s prominent family in the North and Mingyu’s rich family from Visayas are all coming and preparing for it. It’s the event of the year.
Life goes on for you, except you’re meeting your ex-boyfriend almost more than twice a month to work on whatever’s needed for the wedding and for the couple. The bridesmaids and groomsmen are working on an elaborate plan for their bridal shower and stag party.
Everything’s kind of fast-paced as the wedding is scheduled seven months after the engagement party. The pairings stayed true to their purpose. All pairs have tasks to work on, which means you and Seungcheol go on long drives to try out venues for the party or pay the suppliers on behalf of the couple in various locations.
There has been progress on your end, though. You have started to grow comfortable around your ex-boyfriend’s presence, as your throat does not get tight whenever he shows you kindness or whenever you feel sorry for causing him pain.
“How’s work today?” He asks, breaking the silence inside his car.
“I’m okay. Pagod lang siguro (Maybe just tired),” you reply.
You worked half a day on a Saturday, as your boss requested to have you assist her.
“Do you want me to lower the car seat for you? Higa ka muna and matulog (Lie down and sleep),” he offers.
“I’m okay,” you tell him.
Seungcheol doesn’t argue with you anymore. He can sense the aloofness in you. He knows you’re not that unsympathetic to him—there are just a lot of things you haven’t talked about since you parted ways. One thing he’s sure of is that he misses you despite everything.
You arrive at a cozy events place in Antipolo that you found through Facebook. It’s where you want to celebrate the bridal shower for Isabela. Since you and Seungcheol are in charge of ocular inspection, you invited him to go with you.
“Madam, for the taste testing, here are the foods that we want you to choose from,” the manager of the place says as servers put down bowls and plates of various foods for you two to taste.
You start with the appetizers, getting a piece of each. Everything seems great, so you discuss with Seungcheol the possible finger foods you’d like to have for appetizers and snacks while drinking.
“I just know you love the dynamite served,” he cackles as he wipes his mouth to remove the excess oil.
“Yeah. I do like it,” you reply with a half smile.
Seungcheol still remembers your love for anything spicy. He remembers how you love buying dynamite from a food cart in a park near your home. He loved walking with you to go there back then. He loved the way he would toy with the tip of your fingers as you waited for your order. He loved sleeping over at your house and walking at night with you at the park, so he was surprised to pick you up from the lobby of a condominium somewhere in Makati when you started doing your pre-wedding tasks.
You move on to the viands and pastas. After trying out the three pastas served, you decided to go for pesto and spaghetti. Then came the oxtail kare-kare and the crispy version. You almost moaned upon tasting it.
“Wow,” you blurt out.
“You like it?” Seungcheol smiles.
“I love it,” you correct him, much to his surprise.
Back when you were together, you always told him how you never liked sweet-tasting viands, especially those with cream but not paired with beef. Despite the confusion, he’s glad to see you enjoy the food. The way you closed your eyes and made little sounds made him remember those days you both would camp in his kitchen, tasting the goods you baked after trying out the oven he bought a few years before he met you. It was never used until you had the idea to bake brownies, trying to recreate the one you ate at a cafe somewhere in the south, as you were too busy to drive for a few hours just to get a box. Neither one of you is experienced in baking, but as long as you have each other in the kitchen and have sloppy makeouts and kisses as you wait for the baking to finish, nothing could ever go wrong.
After finalizing the menu, you realize how much time you spent inside the venue.
“The sun is going down, Cheol,” you point out, worrying that you might have taken too much of his personal time.
“It’s still traffic around Cogeo. Might as well spend some more hours here. Kape tayo? (Let’s have some coffee?)” He asks, smiling and showing his dimples.
“You sure? You might have to be somewhere,” you reply with a hint of worry in your voice.
“I knew being in Antipolo would mean spending a whole day here, so I made sure this day is clear for us,” Seungcheol assures you.
“Plus, it’s nice to be back here with you,” he mutters.
“We used to drive around here after visiting your papa,” he reminisces, much to your surprise.
You look at him, and the tightness in your throat comes back as guilt rushes in.
“You still remember that?” You ask him.
“It was one of the good memories I had of you. I remember praying and talking to your father because I wanted to get his approval,” he grins as he recalls what he would do back then.
“I’m sure my papa loved you, Cheol. You were so perfect,” you reply, being mindful not to crash then and there.
What’s the purpose of feeling the guilt anyway? You have managed to break his heart deeply.
“You were so perfect, too,” he tells you.
“Eomma still looks for you from time to time,” he chuckles.
“How is she?” You ask.
“She’s healthy despite being older now. She cares for Dahlia and the new baby our family has,” he answers, giving you the cup of freshly brewed matcha you ordered.
“A baby, huh?” You grin.
“Yeah, my older brother had a new baby this year. Boy. He’s a big baby. I loved being around him,” he says.
“You always loved kids, Seungcheol. My nieces loved you,” you recount the memories of him playing with them.
“We could have had ours now if we made it,” he states, making you quiet because he’s right.
“I was really sure you would be the mother of my children, you know?” He adds.
You cannot say anything. You’re just feeling guilty and sorry. Tears start to fall from your eyes. Seungcheol notices this and hands you so napkins, apologizing for what he has said.
“Patawarin mo ako, Cheol (Forgive me, Cheol).”
“I already forgave you a long time ago. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” he tells you assuringly.
Without any second thoughts, you hug him.
“Laging mas mangingibabaw ang pagmamahal ko sa’yo sa kahit ano mang galit o poot sa puso ko. (My love for you will always prevail over any anger or hatred in my heart.)”
You feel his embrace and the comfort and familiarity it has on you, despite years of not being held by your ex-boyfriend. Unlike the last time he held you as you sobbed in his chest, you are not saying goodbye this time.
“Akala mo ba galit pa rin ako? (You thought I was still mad?)” He asks.
You nod on his chest.
“Hindi na. Hindi rin kita matiis (I’m not anymore. I also can’t resist you.),” he chuckles.
For the rest of the night, Seungcheol has held you in his arms, laughing over the memories you recall with him.
—
“How are you? Tell me about your recent happenings,” Your therapist asks as she flashes her jolly grin.
“I’ve been doing well at work. I got interviewed for a possible promotion,” you tell her.
“You’ve always been good at it. I think it’s the one aspect we did not have any trouble with in past years,” she replies, to which you agree.
“How about your personal life? You’re still working on the wedding, right?”
You nod.
“Well, Doc, my ex and I are okay now. He told me he forgave me a long time ago,” you confess.
“Seungcheol, right? So how was it? What did you feel?” She asks.
“I still feel some guilt. I know I really did a number on him when I begged him to break up. He told me he never had anyone around longer than me,” you continue.
“How is it now with him?” She asks.
“It’s really good. We see each other often as the wedding nears. We’re closer. However…” You trail.
“What is it?” Your doctor asks.
“I can sense that he wants more than what we have now. I try to ignore it, but I can feel it. It may be half a decade ago, but the feeling’s still familiar,” you tell her.
“What do you feel?” She quips.
“I feel unsure. I just don’t want him to feel hurt again. I don’t want to cause pain again. I feel like I’ll hurt him again,” you say as tears fall down your cheek.
You’ve been having a great time watching Seungcheol laugh at your silly retorts over the wedding plans and mundane things around you. He has always been easy to crack over your jokes and wit. Watching his toothy grin as his eyes closed made you remember what made you fall in love with him. He has always been gentle with you, nose scrunching out of adoration for you as you make those gestures that made him love every bit of you.
You can’t give it up yet. You can’t let go of the things that make you realize why you will always love him.
“Dear, as I’ve told you countless times, fear over love will cost you everything. Learn to forgive yourself, too. You’ll be sure of what you’re feeling,” she mutters as she smiles at you.
“You’ve come a long way now, you know? It’s time to finally step up and do what will make you happy.”
—
Being the self-saboteur you’ll always be, when the wedding tasks are finished, and the bridal and stag parties are done, you have lain low from all the interactions with your ex-boyfriend. You have been sending late responses to his text messages, using your promotion as an excuse to be unavailable to meet and talk.
You’re still afraid because to hurt Seungcheol once is enough, but making him go through that again for being with you is insanity. You’ve done it twice already. Even the poor Jeonghan was not spared from this issue of yours, despite being in therapy when you met him. Doing it for the third time and to Seungcheol once again is just plain wrong and evil.
As usual, you divert your attention to work, hyperfixating on the thought of brainstorming projects to promote automation and efficiency at work. Joy has been reminding you not to spend so much time working as the wedding nears.
“What’s up?” She asks as you both lie down on the bed.
It’s your sleepover again.
“I think everything is repeating all over again,” you tell her truthfully.
She faces you, gesturing that she’s all ears.
“Seungcheol and I were on good terms for the past few months, and I can sense that he wants more than that, but I’m unsure,” you confess.
“Why ‘were’?” She asks.
“I’ve been avoiding him. I just don’t know what to do,” you answer.
“I know I’ve been quite reluctant to listen to you talk about him for the past few years, but believe me when I say that I like Seungcheol for you,” Joy admits.
“He’s done a lot, and I’ve seen that,” she adds.
Hearing your best friend say such makes it more confusing for you. Joy seems to be vague.
—
For some reason, the wedding of the year was a blur for you. You were focused on the execution of things, so you were not able to appreciate every little detail. Upon seeing one of the tasks under you get ticked, you moved on to the next.
You were in work mode.
Isabela is grateful, though. She did not become the bridezilla she feared she would become due to the tremendous amount of support from her friends and family who she appointed as her bridesmaids, which includes you.
As things for you get easier at the reception, you sit down at the table where you’re assigned. You take a deep breath, looking at the setup and admiring the visual harmony of the floral design and cozy lights of the venue.
You have always been a fan of weddings. When you were younger, you remember having a visual board of your dream wedding on Pinterest. Your former manager even teased you, saying that you were secretly attending expos to prepare. When you met Seungcheol, the dream of being married got bigger. You remember picturing him waiting for you at the end of the altar when his hair got longer and looked more like a husband than just a boyfriend. You imagine him carrying you in bridal style as you go home to your newly built home, the promised place where you’ll raise two to three kids with him, along with two dogs. With Seungcheol having Kkuma now, the vision is not too far from reality. You see, having another dog with him, a pitbull named Spike, a character from Tom and Jerry, your favorite cartoon show. Despite the flings and some first dates back in college, it was with Seungcheol that you saw a future. It was not daunting for some reason, but given the circumstances now, it’s somehow become wishful thinking.
You watch Mingyu and Isabela in the middle of the dance floor, swaying as the music plays. A lot of couples are dancing with them. An old ballad you know, but have forgotten the title, is being played by the DJ. The spotlights are warmer now, and everything feels so romantic. Joy, who caught Isabela’s bouquet earlier, is dancing with Wonwoo—her head is leaning on his chest as his arms are around her waist.
It’s like the movies. Romantic. Perfect.
“Can I have this dance?”
Seungcheol offers his arm to you. Not wanting to ruin such an occasion, you accept it. He guides both of you to the dance floor.
“I know I may have been vague about things lately, but I hate the way you’re avoiding me,” he tells you.
You look away, feeling guilty. Seungcheol tilts your chin with his fingers in a gentle manner to make you face him.
“I still love you,” he confesses.
“Please don’t run away from me or beg me to leave,” he pleads.
“I hurt you,” you answer.
“And I’ve forgiven you. Learn to forgive yourself, too,” he tells you.
“I’m scared to hurt you again,” you admit.
“We’ll always hurt each other in different ways, you know? I guess it all boils down to the way we’re willing to work things out, and I’d rather get hurt than miss a life without you,” he says.
“I’m sorry, Cheol,” you apologize as you shake your head and leave the dancefloor.
Seungcheol sighs as you walk away.
—
You left the wedding without saying goodbye to everyone. You just needed some time to think. You’ve been sending late responses to friends ever since, using work as an excuse once again.
Drowning in work seems ineffective as a distraction, though. Your doctor has warned you of burnout due to this practice, and at this point, you cannot afford to have that, so you decided to take a leave. A week where you do not have anything planned. You just act on any urge or craving.
On the third day of your leave, Wednesday, to be exact, you decided to visit a new cafe in your area in Makati. It has been creating some buzz on TikTok for its Spanish latte, matcha, and hojicha. You chose to try the last two as you avoid coffee most of the time.
“Hi! Can I order one large matcha latte?” You say to the man behind the counter as you look down at the menu that’s on its surface.
“One large matcha. On the house.”
You frown in confusion upon hearing it’s for free, so you look up.
“Jeonghan,” you smile.
Your ex-boyfriend has excused himself from the counter to have a seat with you at one of the round tables.
“Congratulations. I didn’t know you’re a cafe owner now,” you say, still grinning.
“Remember when I used to blend your matcha whenever you slept at my place?” He recalls.
You nod.
“I didn’t know that your hobby would lead you to this. I’m proud of you,” you tell him.
“My best friend, Joshua, I know you remember him—we own this. I work on operations, and he financed everything since he wants to find more reasons to stay longer here in the Philippines,” he explains to you.
“Is he here?” You ask.
“He’s been out with his current girlfriend since after lunch, so it’s just the staff and me here,” he answers.
“How are you?” He asks.
“I’m on leave,” you mutter as you sip on your drink.
“You must have something on your mind. You don’t really take a leave even if you’re sick,” he states.
“You still remember things about me,” you trail.
“Of course. Though our relationship was short-lived, I loved you, and we parted on good terms,” Jeonghan responds, grinning.
“I’m sorry, Han,” you say.
“What for?” He asks.
“Because I think I wasn’t able to reciprocate the love you gave me. I looked back and felt like I was inadequate for you,” you continue.
“You were not inadequate. You just haven’t figured some things out about yourself. Plus, you were healing when I met you. You made me feel loved despite that. You did your best,” he assures you.
“Was I good to you, Hannie?” You ask.
“You were. You have to pat yourself on the back, babe. You’ve always doubted your capacity to love. Yet, you were one of the best girls I’ve met in my life. You were one of the reasons why I made this dream happen,” he affirms.
“Would it be funny if I ask you for some advice?” You ask again.
“I’m guessing. Boy problems?” He asks back.
You nod, causing him to giggle. He nods endearingly.
“My first boyfriend, the one before you, wants to get back together, but I’m so scared to hurt him again. I left all the relationships I had, you know? I can’t do it to him twice. That’s just sinister,” you sigh.
“Then let your fear motivate you to do better. You have always been afraid of vulnerability, you know? I’ve sensed it when we got together, but there were good days when you forget all of that and turn into this fun-loving, affectionate, and sweet girlfriend. I’ve always loved it,” he musters, holding your hand that’s on the table.
“And I’ve always sensed that he’s the one for you, so I hope you don’t let it go. I’ve always wished for your happiness because you’re truly one of the best I've had.”
Vulnerability.
Maybe you never did show Seungcheol some vulnerability in you. When you were together a few years back, you were high from all of the achievements you had then, the crash happened, and you did not know what to do. You were still navigating your first relationship, so you really didn’t have an idea of how to lean on him.
You were never dependent on anybody since you were a raging teen.
You say your goodbyes to Jeonghan after an afternoon of catch-up.
“I'd better get an invitation to your wedding, okay?” He jokes before hugging you.
You laugh and embrace him.
—
You’re at the Kim residence. Isabela and Mingyu has invited you over for some beer and chicken to thank you for your help during the wedding and some important financial decisions they seeked your advice for. You have decided to use it as time to contact Seungcheol as well. You thought that with Mingyu and Isabela talking your ear off, it would be easier to shoot a message. For some reason, you’re still chickening out even though you have decided to talk to your ex-boyfriend. Your hands are cold from nervousness as you delete another draft of text message again. This should be easy.
Yet, how is it too daunting for you?
“I love him,” you whisper, trying to remind yourself for motivation.
You close your eyes and breathe deeply.
“Hey.”
That voice. You turn around to see Seungcheol.
“Hi,” you greet back, swallowing nervously.
“Mingyu and Isabela went to the liquor store to get some beer. They told me to just get in,” he explains.
“Okay,” you answer.
Seungcheol walks away going to the kitchen.
“Cheol,” you breathe.
This should be it.
He turns to look at you. Now or never, right?
“I tried to take my life after we broke up,” you say.
“I know,” he replies.
“I’ve talked to Wonwoo and Joy for the past few years to check up on you because I know you will not leave me without any reason,” he adds.
“I didn’t want to burden you with everything,” you explain.
“You will never be a burden to me,” he speaks softly as he approaches to cup your cheek.
“I grew up thinking that love is conditional—that when I become more of a liability than an asset, I’ll get discarded on the side and watch somebody better being adored and loved by everyone which made me scared because if I showed you who I really am, you’ll leave me just like anybody else,” you confess.
He hugs you. As he holds you in his arms, you tell him everything you’ve wanted to tell him. Showing him vulnerability is speaking your pains and fears out loud—to finally recognize that they’re the parts of you that he needs to know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
You told him about how your biological parents left you with a lot of emotional issues. He never knew about the extra pair of parents you had, the sperm and egg donors. You told him how being your parents’ only child in their forties gave you the pressure to become their sole care provider. You told him that your father’s family never looked at you as his own which made it easy for them to cut you and your mother off as they always hated her for your father.
It was all the things you rarely spoke about as they stir these emotions inside you that you have yet to learn how to control.
You just wanted Seungcheol to see the entirety of you, including the parts that made you ugly.
You just sob in his chest like a baby, helpless and wishing for him to stay despite knowing who you are now.
“I’m sorry,” you cry.
Relief rushes in as he lets his lips linger on your forehead as he embraces you. It’s not just you that he’s holding. It’s also the younger you who have been wondering if there’s someone she’ll trust with words she never blurted out.
You sigh heavily and lean on him.
“It’s okay and I’m sorry, too. I wished I fought for us. Sana hindi ko hinayaang umalis ka. (I wish I didn’t let you go.) You must’ve felt so lonely,” he replies as he sobs into your neck.
“I’m here now. Hindi kita iiwanan. Hindi kita paaalisin. Magkasama na tayo habambuhay. (I will never leave you. I will never let you go. We’ll stay together forever.)”
And just like that, the second wind has taken over, giving a fresh breath of air to two hearts that are meant to always stay together despite all.
