eyes on fire;

seraphina vesta kane | senior witch law | student council the most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on F I R E

[sera-kane]

[Unsent Letter to You Know Who]

Dear You Know Who You Are,

I’m sorry. 

If I knew that first kiss would ultimately end like this, I probably wouldn’t have gone for it. If I could spare you the pain I’ve caused you, I would in a heartbeat. You and I weren’t exactly built for that intense romantic kind of love that Alex has always been into, but even more so me. If I was capable of the kind of love you deserved, I’d give it to you unconditionally. But I’m not. And I don’t plan to be as long as I walk this earth. 

Believe me when I say I did try. You were worth the effort. But in the end, I can’t change who I am. It’s not an excuse. There’s no excuse for what I’ve done. I think deep down I didn’t want it to work out. I was afraid, just like Alex said. I felt like my feelings for you were a weakness. And in a way they were, because they ultimately made me push you away for good. I do hope it’s for good. I hope you finally hate me because it’s what I deserve. I was selfish and chose myself over you. You have every right to resent me for the rest of our lives.

Underneath all the fear though, being with you was probably the happiest I’d ever been in my life. The feelings I had in my stomach felt disgusting and nauseating, but as soon as I looked at you, I didn’t care how it felt. I treasured every conversation, every touch no matter how awkward it sometimes felt, every kiss, every glance, every second I got to spend with you until I no longer could. If I had to have this experience, this one sole romance in my life, despite how everything turned out, I wouldn’t have it with anyone else. Maybe in another life, we can try again. And maybe in that life, I won’t fuck it up.

I love you. Probably always will in my own limited, fucked up way.

-- Sera

[Burned shortly after writing]

@h2o-dylan

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

Sighing heavily once more at Sera calling her mom, she rolled her eyes as well. “I don’t get that at all, but whatever.” Lifting her head up as she looked at Sera before speaking once more. “You might as well go get some wine. We need to drink for a bit then discuss New York. You were basically my only reason for going so we should probably sort that out.”

Sera sighed. “Of course I was,” she muttered. “I’ll get the wine.”

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“It’s not what I want to think Sera. For fucks sakes I want to believe you’d literally do anything for me and that your mom never would end this friendship.” Leaning back as she talked, she sighed heavily. “Fine. Your relationship with your mom is yours, but as I said. It’s your life Sera, don’t let her make all your choices.” Dropping the subject since it was clearly pointless, Sera would never see her mother as she truly was. A cold hearted evil bitch who was nothing but a snake. Apart of Alex actually felt bad that Sera still saw her mom as this idol, not the villain she truly was. “I guess it’s us four forever then since that’s all you need.” Raising an eyebrow at Sera as she paused for a moment. “So…. do you honestly see yourself ending up alone?” 

“Then believe it.” She crossed her arms. “Yeah, okay, I get it Mom,” she said with an eye roll. She didn’t let her mother make all her choices. Well, Sera didn’t think so, anyway. But her mother was her greatest weakness and if she could avoid disappointing her in any way she’d try it. She didn’t understand Alex’s question. What part of she only needed the three of them in her life did she not understand? “If I did, I probably wouldn’t care.”

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“You can have your own place Sera. I’ll move somewhere else and respect that you want to be alone. It sucks, but at least you told me finally.” Sighing heavily as she ran her fingers through her blonde hair. “Nothing changes because like you said you aren’t going to bother to fix it.” Letting her hands drop into her hands. “You say this, but the way you talk about Dylan. It honestly makes me question if one day I’ll be easy to let go.” Shaking her head as she rubbed her forehead out of frustration. “At the end of the day Sera there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. I’m not the type to kill anyone but I would literally murder someone if they hurt you because you’re that important to me.” Shifting forward so she was looking directly at Sera, she held eye contact as she talked. “I understand you don’t like people I get that. The thing is Sera not everyone who you push away is going to stay like me. Eventually you’ll just be sitting in an empty room being very lonely because you refuse to feel and it’s just easier to let go. Selene is your mother but she doesn’t control your life unless you let her. If you wanna let her then fine, but there’s consequences for that which won’t be pretty. You are not Selena Kane, so make your own choices and mistakes. Don’t be a god damn sheep all the time and let her lead you to the slaughter just because she can.”

Sera gritted her teeth. “If you want to think that, fine, I obviously can’t change your mind.” Granted, she couldn’t actually see herself turning on Alex ever but they wouldn’t really know unless the opportunity arose. Her brow furrowed as soon as Alex started getting into her mother. “Let’s be very clear about something. No one, not you, not Dylan, not fucking God himself knows a damn thing about what goes on between me and my mother. You may think you do, but you don’t. You’ve all assumed for years what kind of shitty parent my mother is but frankly, it’s nobody’s goddamn business what kind of parent she is. I’ve made it abundantly clear that I don’t need anyone else in my life but you, Al, and Sebastian, and I’ve been very content with that for twenty-one years. If my mother threatens that dynamic then we might have a problem, but otherwise, there’s nothing to worry about. And that’s that.” 

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“It’s not like we’d be making out on the couch. Plus Oliver wouldn’t even be here he’s going to stay here at school since he’s looking into a different career he’s gotta take some extra classes.” Clarifying even though at this point it was pointless because they weren’t going to move in together. At Sera snapping Alex’s eye’s widened, she just sat there silently listening to Sera say more words at once than she’d ever heard from her. Once Sera finished Alex sat there with her hands laced together in her lap silently still just staring at Sera. “You’re a fucking idiot, Seraphina.” Letting her eyes flicker up at Sera. “You treat being close to someone as this fucking choice and weakness. You realize we could have went to New York and Dylan would probably came there or visited often? You realize we have money and portals. You staying here or considering staying for Dylan by far is dumbest fucking thing I’ve heard from you. How about be both real fucking honest here you got scared. Your mother has you all so fucking programed to fear emotions because by god they’re the worst thing in the fucking world right?” Glaring at Sera bitterly for a moment. “You can choose you all you want, but you didn’t. Your mom choose you for you. I wanna know what happens when Selene decides I’m a problem. You going to just tell me this friendship is over and done with too? That you got bored of me. If you are then you might as well just end this friendship now.”

“Yeah, no. The whole lovey-dovey stuff that’d happen around the apartment I’d rather not deal with. He’d be moving in eventually. I’d like my own place.” She stood there are Alex pretty much ripped her a new one. Deep down she knew everything her best friend was saying was true, but none of it was going to change what already happened. “’Kay, we get it, I’m a fucking idiot. That changes nothing, the damage is done and I’m not gonna bother to fix it.” Even if she wanted to, there was no way at this point she’d ever get Dylan back. And she was trying to move on until Alex suddenly came out of nowhere with this bullshit. “You’re never going to be a problem. And even if my mother thought you were -- you’ve been my friend my whole life. I’ve only had feelings for your sister for... a time. She was just...” She really felt like her mother’s daughter with the next statement. “... easier to let go.”

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“A little honestly. Well she asked if Oliver and I were moving in together after graduation and I said no I was moving in with you and when Oliver finished up school he’d move in with us. It escalated quickly to say the least.” Shifting her weight as she eyed Sera closely. “That didn’t answer my question, Sera. Did your mother get involved in your relationship with Dylan?”

“Okay first of all, you’re absolutely insane if you thought I was going to live with you and Oliver. I get nauseous just being in the same room with you two, I’d probably die choking on my own vomit living with the two of you long term. Second of all, tell your sister to mind her own fucking business,” she snapped. “You know what, fine. I told my mother I was in love with Dylan because I was going insane from how attached I was getting and since she’s more like me than Al is I thought, stupidly, that she could give me peace of mind by telling me she’s been through the same shit and she’d guide me on handling it. She’s a Cromwell, and my mother was going to find out about it eventually so I figured it wouldn’t be as big of a deal as it would’ve been with some random. Stupid me, because that’s not what happened. She told me now wasn’t the time for some silly infatuation when I’m in the process of beginning a career and that my feelings for Dylan would just cloud my judgment. And she was right, because prior to our lovely conversation I was really thinking about ditching the New York law firm plan to stay here and work at Derek’s law firm for a while instead, because I’d have the best of both worlds by a) being close to Dylan and b) still getting to start my career. But Derek’s law firm isn’t a prestigious New York law firm. I’d be giving up an opportunity to start somewhere that’d pretty much guarantee me a step above the average witch lawyer, to get me ahead of everyone else on being a top prosecutor like I always wanted, and instead working at some mediocre firm where I just blend in with all the rest. So I thought if I was willing to give something like that up, what else would I be willing to give up that’d just hurt me in the long run? And my mother’s words really stuck to me and I couldn’t stop thinking she was right. So I chose me. It’s fucked up but I did. If your sister’s bitter about it, then good. She should be. There’s the fucking truth for you. What the fuck else do you want?”

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“That didn’t sound confident, but okay. If I would have known maybe my plans would have changed and I certainly wouldn’t have made an ass out of myself with my sister. We got into discussing my plans after school and them involving you.” Sighing heavily as she looked at Sera. “It ended up with me probably being wrong once again and her right as fucking aways.” Tossing her hands up aimlessly. “Speaking of her though this bring me to another question. Did your mom and my mom get involved in your relationship with Dylan?”

“So let me get this straight, you’re pissed because of how you looked to your sister? That’s a bit of a stupid topic to discuss with her in the first place since we broke up and I’m sure the last thing she wants to hear is about anything I’m up to.” She exhaled sharply. She was never going to date again, she swore. It was apparent by Alex’s next question that living arrangements weren’t all her and Dylan talked about. Great. “Alex, me and Dylan are through. I don’t understand the point of discussing any of this.”

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“What when I was moving into the apartment that I got for us? You literally could have told me this months ago Sera. It’s shitty to hear this from Dylan first and not from you.” 

“No? That would’ve been a little funny, but, no. Okay what is the big deal, we’re still in school and graduation’s still months away, I’ve had other things on my mind lately. My freaking bad. Shitty to hear from -- why the fuck were you and Dylan talking about that?”

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“Oh–Umm… why didn’t you tell me sooner that you didn’t want to live with me? I’ve been talking about this since we were freshman. No– it’s nothing to do with Oliver.” 

“I dunno. I was going to eventually. I’m tired of living with other people.”

[sera-kane]

alexmcromwell:

“After we finish up school are we moving in together?”

“Seriously? You made it seem like it was urgent. No, I want to live by myself for a while. Why, were you making living arrangements with your beloved?”

[alexmcromwell]

“Are you here? I need to talk to you, Sera.”

[sera-kane]

“Okay, make yourself at home I guess. What is it?”

[heh-don-lighton-deactivated2017]

alexmcromwell:

“Wow. Fuck you!” Digging her nails once more into the table as she stood up and the chair went back quickly. “No, I don’t want a god damn do-over! I want to figure out what the fuck happened because I did not fuck up that potion. Think what you want, but I know I did not choke or do this on purpose. I didn’t fucking do it at all. I got it right!” Feeling more frustrated by the minute. “You know what fuck you, Hayden. You can go to hell.”

“Wow, that was like…” Hayden started counting on her fingers. “…six swears in a row. Do you need a drink? Maybe a nap?”

[sera-kane]

Sera was passing by when she saw Alex screaming at Hayden. As sad as she was that she missed most of it, she knew Alex was just going to stand there screaming her head off for hours on end and embarrass herself instead of actually getting into a fight. With a sigh, she headed over and grabbed Alex by the shoulder. “Okay, let’s go. She’s probably planning to go to hell with or without you telling her to anyway.”

[h2o-dylan-deactivated20170509]

Sera couldn’t even maintain eye contact. Dylan knew Sera, she could tell there was more to it. She wanted to scream, shake her, fight, make up. She hid it all behind an impassive expression, any hurt she was feeling being trumped by anger. “Guess you better get on those, then.” 

[sera-kane]

She looked up and nodded. “I’ll see you around.” With that, she turned around and left, the ache in her heart growing with each step she took.

[h2o-dylan-deactivated20170509]

There were a number of things that crossed Dylan’s mind that could have Sera in this kind of mood. She hadn’t expected what actually came out, or the kick to the gut feeling that followed as she blinked in surprise. She clenched her teeth and pursed her lips, nodding. “Mhm,” she hummed in response. She had made Sera promise to tell her if it ever got to this point. She just didn’t expect it to come without warning. “Thanks for telling me,” she managed to get out. She kept her gaze steady on Sera. “Is that it or was there something else?”

[sera-kane]

She regretted it as soon as she said it. But it was too late now. “Nope. That’s it.” She looked down at her boots. “Anyway, I have papers to write. So.”

[h2o-dylan-deactivated20170509]

Dylan’s defenses immediately went up and she stepped back. She was used to Sera’s sullenness, but this was something different. “Okay,” she answered simply, arms crossing defensively, mimicking Sera’s posture. “What’s going on?”

[sera-kane]

For a moment she considered changing her mind, to leave things how they were. But she knew she couldn’t. “I can’t do this anymore,” she admitted, fighting to keep eye contact with her. Her nails dug into the skin on her arms as she kept them crossed. “I’m just... not feeling it anymore. Guess I finally got bored.”

[h2o-dylan-deactivated20170509]

Dylan sat on the sofa grading tests, the papers spread around her, a glass of wine and some fruit on a tray on the cushion next to her, the television on but muted. Her brow furrowed in confusion when she heard the unexpected knock. She took off her glasses and set them aside before she got up and answered the door. When she saw Sera she got the same flutter of of butterflies and triphammer pulse for a few beats. “Well, this is a pleasant surprise,” she said, smiling as she stepped aside to let her in. “Far better than grading papers,” she said as she closed the door. She gathered the papers and moved the tray from the sofa before moving to where Sera stood, brushing strands of hair behind her ear and kissing her. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure?” 

[sera-kane]

The all-too familiar butterflies fluttered around for a moment when Dylan opened the door, but then it was immediately crushed by something else more sickly in feeling. “Hey,” she greeted quietly, entering the apartment. She stopped a few steps away from the door, not wanting to get too comfortable. She crossed her arms, keeping them there when Dylan returned and kissed her. “Nothing great,” she answered bluntly. “We need to talk.”

[sera-kane]

The phone call she had with her mother the previous day shook her to her core. She couldn’t tell if it was because some of what her mother said could’ve been true, or it amplified Sera’s fear of disappointing her. Maybe both. She was stupid for trying to bring up the ‘L’ word around her mother, to see if the older woman had felt the same type of feelings she currently had and Sera wasn’t just the odd one like Al had been. But when her mother had told her such feelings could blind her from her future, she remembered when she was starting to reconsider moving to New York and instead starting as a paralegal at Derek’s firm here in North Carolina just for the sole reason of being closer to Dylan, she realized -- or thought she realized -- what was happening to her. And it freaked her out. Which was why she was in front of Dylan’s door. Once she knocked, she ignored the pain in her chest and crossed her arms as she waited for Dylan to answer.