The Mama Monologues

мy ιnner мonologυe’ѕ preттy ғιerce

[serenakanani]

Friendship.

I have it. In the low maintenance kind of ways where we can go days and months without talking or seeing one another, and still have that connection when we finally get together again. And believe me, I love it and I love them.

But for many years my prayer has been to have the type of friendships that look more like a sisterhood. Women to do life with. Who uplift each other. Encourage and push to new heights.

Have you ever watched Sweet Magnolias on Netflix? That’s the kind of friends I want. Ladies I can spill my heart out to over dinner and drinks. Making weekly traditions. Trusting my children’s lives in their hands. Praising God together. Being PROUD of eachother. Loving eachother.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I’m the problem. Am I not doing enough? What do I need to do to be a better friend? And why don’t I have that group of friends that love eachother the way I love them. Not just one here and one there. I want a collective group of us that absolutely adore the crap out of each other. 🥲🙏🏼

Alright lol we can hear the loneliness slipping out.

See you when I see you.

[serenakanani]

Breaking the habit of Social Media is hard. I swear, it really is an addiction. I still find myself mindlessly scrolling while Sterling takes a nap beside me.

But I pause sometimes and look down at his little chest as it rises and falls and I realize that I’m a damn good mom for realizing my faults and wanting to fix them.

I live my life for my kids, always. Every step I take, every breath, every decision; it’s made with the thought of how it will affect and benefit them.

The list of New Year resolutions sit on my desk and 3 days in to 2024 I realize all I want to do is be the best me, for me… and yes, for them.

We deserve it 🌻

[serenakanani]

Goals For This Blog:

I really want to be transparent here. I was never the kind of girl that hid away from anything or anyone. I've learned that by being my most authentic and genuine self, I've unknowingly inspired so many others and helped them feel less alone. I'll always be this way, even if my audience is just ONE... I know I'll have made a difference somehow.

I'd like to post at least once a week. I do want to be more present with my family, so I'm hoping that by keeping a blog and posting a "highlight reel" so to speak, will help me cherish those tiny moments with them, but also give me space to reflect, instead of constantly having my phone in my hand, editing and posting "stories" in real time.

If you're new... Hi, I'm Serena and I love to write. I've always dreamt of one day becoming a writer until one day I realized, I AM a writer. It's not a goal to reach, but rather a path I was given to follow. I love to sit with a pen and paper and just let the words flow through. A lot of my Instagram captions are love letters to my kids, or my husband; some of them are prose or poems; and others are just short inspirational essays. Either way, they're my words and I hope to write more, here. Inspire more, here.

Another goal I have in writing these blog posts, are to scratch that social media itch. I'll just be brutally honest here: Social Media is a popularity contest. I said what I said. I don't like what it's become, so I'm removing myself. But like with every addiction, you'll always have that urge to go back... with smokers, sometimes they trade cigarettes for sunflower seeds... If Instagram is my cigarette, Tumblr is my sunflower seed.

I know myself well enough to know that my goals for this blog will grow and change. I'm allowing myself to do that this year. To fluctuate. To understand that nothing will ever stay the same but that it's just the way life goes. if you're not growing, then you're stagnant.

Blessed be your Journey.

[serenakanani]

2024

Who else is reflecting on their 2023 year? I know mostly all of us are.

For me, reflection looks like: de-cluttering my social media presence. Unfollowing people and things that no longer benefit me or bring me joy as it comes across my screen. But it also looks like: looking within myself at what I can learn from everything that's happened in the previous year. What lessons can be taught and learned in the days to come? It looks like: removing unneeded things that take up too much time and energy in my home that I no longer have the time or energy for. Downsizing. Donating. Cleaning. But why do we always wait until the last days of the year to do that?... Why is it not something we strive for on the daily? Isn't every day a new day, a new week, month, year?

Anyway. Next year, I intend to be more present with myself. Less scrolling, more creating. Less striving for perfection and more just doing the damn thing. Focusing on things that bring me joy and comfort and bring me to a sense of, "ahhh, yes... this is who i am."

I pray you good health and success in all your resolutions you make while you reflect on this past year and I pray that you find whatever it is you feel like you've lost.

Blessed be your Journey.

[lucex-nxn-urx]

The greatest man I’ve ever been blessed to love and be loved by! I love to make you smile and laugh and I pray that we are given an eternity together so I can make sure you’re happy forever 💕 I love you so much @chanandoah. I’m so lucky to have you.

[lucex-nxn-urx]

Days of with my baby girl are spent adventuring, shopping and having lunch together 💕 —— We headed north this morning to watch big brother play some basketball in Mililani… froze our okole off in the cold azz wind! —— Then we spent about an hour walking around @maris_gardens admiring the new addition and all the pretty plants… and I ended up splurging on a String of Pearls plant that I’ve been wanting for a LONG time! So happy I finally own one 😍😍😍 thank you Tanya for talking me in to it lol “expensive” is my favorite word… means it’s WORTH IT 😏😉 —— Now we’re at home having lunch and then gonna take a nap! This day off has been much needed and I’m so happy I got to spend some good quality time with my baby. These are the memories she will remember forever. 💕

——— Have a good weekend 💋 (at Mari’s Gardens) https://www.instagram.com/p/BtrlCOshr509MkcCmqudj3-Rnug_5etRNM4W5U0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=3xd25mh6cwnh

[serenakanani]

Fires blaze within her. She’s drowning in a sea of flames; gasping for air; drowning in smoke and ash.

Regretting striking the match as soon as the embers spark and catch on the wind… burning whole forests, homes… safety… gone.

“What have I done?”

[serenakanani]

We are oceans apart. The tide between us rips currents through my salt and your fresh.

Where do we meet? In the middle? Deep beneath the surface? Am I ice? Are you land?

Does the Atlantic ever wonder what the Pacific tastes like? Does it wish to feel the warm in her cold? Does he?

Where do we meet, if we are oceans apart?

I wonder if we’ll ever crash on the same shore.

[serenakanani]

Snapchat bestie

[serenakanani]

I used to be a bad bitch lol

[serenakanani]

Don’t get upset over the little things… It takes 5 minutes to clean up spilled milk…

but a 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 to clean up a 𝒷𝓇𝑜𝓀𝑒𝓃 𝓈𝓅𝒾𝓇𝒾𝓉.

[serenakanani]

Child of God

I didn’t believe them when they said girls were harder than boys… but dammit. This one, with my very own sass, and her knowledge of allllll my buttons… she really makes me wish they were all wrong! She’s literally like a “Sour-patch Kid,” sour one minute, sweet the next; batting her eyelashes and wimpering, “I’m sorry mommy…” and how can I NOT forgive her?

Something that has been heavy on my heart over the past week is this:

If you want to know what it feels like to be loved by God; if you need a physical, “in-real-life” example: look at the way your child loves you… you can yell, say No a million times or put them in time out all day, but in the end, they’ll still forgive you. In the morning when you wake up, she’ll still need you and still love you and all of yesterday’s issues have disappeared as if they never happened. Like magic, every day you get a clean slate to love and be loved again. Your child only wants you to love her. That is what it feels like to be loved by God… He only wants you to love him and he will forgive and forgive and forgive you because he already loves you; he’ll follow you around the house saying your name, calling out to you, calling for your attention because he needs you for something.

Idk. I guess that’s how I see it. That children are a walking example of God. The purity and innocence in their souls just puts me in awe.

I wanna love like that. To forgive so easily again and again and again with no other expectations or intentions except to love and be loved.

[serenakanani]

He’s here!

[serenakanani]

Can’t believe just one month ago, all of this baby was in my belly… bittersweet moments.

[serenakanani]

Got my morning mom routine down today 💪🏼

6am: wake-up, bottle + diaper change

630: wash up + check on adri

645: do adris hair, check backpack, pack snacks and water bottle

710: drop off

730: put baby back to sleep + nap

9am: wake up, breakfast + coffee

915 til baby wake up: pick up house + start laundry

Let me tell you something…

1. Two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to focus or follow through with any of these tasks without hyperventilating.

2. To get out and get back home in under an hour sounded impossible just a few days ago

3. Eating breakfast and staying hydrated? I needed to set alarms to remind myself.

Post partum anxiety is crazy. In my personal experience, it’s not as bad as post partum depression (that’s a whooooole other demon) but it’s still hard. I tried to do it without help from my doctor, but I knew I wouldn’t have been performing at my best for my kids.

I am taking antidepressants, and I swear, it is helping me so much. I’ve never felt more calm and at peace (other than my pregnancy with sterling.) My brain is quiet like a library and one tracked instead of flying down the freeway at 1000mph with the windows down and volume maxed out.

[lucex-nxn-urx]

What if God doesn’t want you to find a perfect person, but an imperfect person that will draw you closer to Him? What if God desires you to marry a person with flaws to expose yours? What if God wants to teach you the value and life found in committing to one person forever, Not the exhausting pursuit of searching your entire life to find the perfect person? https://www.instagram.com/p/BzjQBkphUjGmPFEEFrYMbXmNPGIxxrxG062Ym40/?igshid=1sc3ncc3vv7jz

[thoughtkick]

“Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.”

— Iyanla Vanzant

[serenakanani]

How beautiful it is to know a love so pure and so heart shattering before you even set eyes on them or hear their first cry or feel their first breath on your cheek as you whisper, “happy birthday,” into the tiny wisp of feather soft hair on top of their head… to wait 38 weeks to finally hold your baby in your arms… to finally know what “love at first sight” truly is… becoming a mother is the greatest blessing I have been given. To be trusted by God to carry his angels and raise them and love them here on Earth…

It takes my breath away… To know a love like this.

My purpose is and always has been to love and be loved. But when I thought it was for a man… God bestowed me with these gifts and said, No, your purpose is for your children.

I am divinely aligned to be their Mother.