りか

slowly

[letterstoyourlove]

"Your generation would probably livetweet' the apocalypse" you say, and you laugh

You mean it as an insult, and I understand, Or you don't

because the word lies awkwardly on you tongue, stumbles as it leaves your lips, air quotes visible

You meant it as an insult, so you don't understand, when I look into your eyes and say "Yes"

Because we would.

It would be our duty, as citizens on this earth to document it's end the best way we know and if that means a second by second update

of the world going up in flames, or down in rain, or crushed under the feet of invading monsters so be it.

It would mean a second by second update of

"I love you"

"I'm scared"

"Are you all right?"

"Stay close"

"Be brave"

It would mean a second by second update of the humanity's connection with one another,

Proof of empathy, love, and friendship between people who may have never met in the flesh.

So don't throw the word 'Livetweet' at me like a dagger, meant to tear at my

'teenage superiority

Because if the citizens of Pompeii, before they were consumed by fire, had a chance to tell their friends and family throughout Rome

"I love you"

"I'm scared"

"Don't forget me"

Don't you think they'd have taken the chance?"

— Sometimes it hurts when people scorn internet cultre (via herrsassyfras)

This is amazing

(via desuke-dragonqueen)

[sereyat]

i apologize that i look angry all the time.

it’s just that i have so much rage and violence in me and

i’m still learning to be more tender.

[sereyat]

i took a shower today and i washed my hair again.

when the water running down through my head and ears, i heard them whispered loudly,

“you will never be enough,”

and i think i caught a cold right after.

[sereyat]

you asked me to speak up, but you have never once lived in silence. so when the words fell out of my stitched mouth, you cut them out and fought back in fear of losing your voice from a girl who is younger than you.

i don’t know about the others, but i see your pride is bigger than your love for me, father.

don’t tell me that you do care when there is still a but in your every agreement.

[sereyat]

oh, my friend,

you have no idea how my fingers pick scab, my nails cut open, my skin burns, every time i hear, i read your

f o u l words, but your sorrys are v a i n, for you don’t know.

no, no, you never know how i vomit black water apologies every time i speak after the in dis cre tion

you exhibit then my aching lungs dries more than you exhaling your

s i n f u l breath in the ocean yet you never once choke under the water.

my, my, my, have the guilt taught you well, my friend?

[sereyat]

waking up this morning with anger filling me inside and throwing tantrums at my friends were the worst so i spent some time today hating myself because i got angry. somehow i didn’t get it why should i feel bad and guilty for being angry when something or someone hurt me. guess i really don’t want to be left alone just for being angry because anger means selfishness for me and i hate myself for that.

it’s one of human’s common emotions. i’m angry but i don’t want to be angry. why can’t i just let myself be angry? why should i feel bad and guilty? why should i be the one who apologizes when it hurts me? why should i feel sorry? why does it sound so selfish when i don’t even know why? why, why, just, why do i have to be angry all the time? and why i can’t just accept things the way it is?

forgiving is easier than forgetting, but i never say forgiving is not hard. it’s still hard, but i want to forget if i could. it’s hard and i don’t know how to do it easily. taking time so slowly but it’s tiring, really. running away from my problems is not my thing, but sometimes i just want to forgive myself for being me.

[sereyat]

7:44 am’s thoughts:

maybe i do need to be always reminded about the things that terrify me the most, so that when it happens because, of course, it will happen, then i don’t have to deny the fact that i’m scared and i don’t have to pretend that i’m okay, so that i can get through it with grief and cry my eyes out for three or more days and i will not have to think that i will be like that again forever, because that shall pass too and i will let everything go once again in no time without having to harm my hands from gripping for too long and too tight. so don’t expect me to always live in the present. it is too much when i can hear what the future says.

sometimes i wish i could not hear a thing so i could just close my eyes when curiosity started to rise up.

[sereyat]

and it’s true that most of the time life is so unfair that you even get no time to be startled by the realization of it. and whenever you say that, they will always come to you, telling you the words that you do know are untrue yet you can’t deny the fact that you are also wondering too: am i really not grateful enough?

oh, stop being so ungrateful.

[sereyat]

everywhere is not comfortable anymore. i can’t be alone but it feels like everyone doesn’t want to be around me. at least it’s what they told me in my mind, but then they will also say: it’s just you. you shouldn’t pull yourself off of others. you are the one who is far from them. and perhaps, it is true. perhaps, it is my own fault. perhaps, i am better off alone, all by myself. my presence does not seem to be worthy anymore. my effort can’t be seen as a way to keep trying anymore. it all seems useless, and i don’t know what to do anymore.

so let me live in silence for a while, to lessen the hatred of myself in me, to find purity that’s lost somewhere in the forest of grief and jealousy, to learn the cold warmth of a lonesome path. i’m lonely, and it’s because of me, but i’m not capable enough to do anything about it.

but sometimes, just sometimes, i want someone to reach their hands out for me.

[sereyat]

it’s hard to make everyone stay. at the same time, it’s also hard to make new friends. i feel like i was meant to be alone, though everywhere i go, solitude will always be with me. i know i have friends and family, but it’s just lonely, so lonely that i don’t want to face everyone, but i’m afraid they will leave but i can’t never make them stay and i don’t know what i want. i’m afraid of company and empty. a part of me is in a constant need of validation and the other one hates it, so i think i deserve to be alone, even though i don’t want to be alone, so i deleted everything and regret everything. i don’t know what i want. i’m lost and i don’t even know whether i want to be found or saved, or not at all.

[sereyat]

most of the days, i want peace and a calm day, befriending my internal war instead of fighting against it. i just want to be okay without having to face everything, and i don’t want it to be temporary. i want it to stay to let me do my day because peace has always been hard to find but i still have a little bit of hope that i will find peace from my suffering.

[sereyat]

there is a place where quiet doesn't mean lonely. my brother used to build a small room of his own under a coconut tree on the side of our house. once, i went there and that was the first time i thought that i could leave my house anytime i want to. my father used to write poems and letters. i found one for my brother when he was one year old. i have never found mine, but handwritten letters are the best gift someone would ever give me. my mom… she does not change much. i’m still afraid of losing her.

there is a place where quiet doesn't mean lonely. i haven’t found it yet because everyone leaves and don’t tell me otherwise, for i am with loneliness every day and it’s the only one who stays.

[sereyat]

a question without a mark: you ever so scared to sleep just because you don’t want to wake up to bad news. i didn’t wish i was brave but i wish i wasn’t scared. when will this get less bad? it doesn’t have to be better. it doesn’t have to end and stop. i just want it to get less awful or at least get used to it and not get tired and sick of it and not complain about it. these feelings. i just want that. to stop. i promise, i won't ask for anything else. i just want that. to stop. when will i get that? can i get that? will i even get that?

i have been embracing it. never ignore or push it away or distract myself or run away. i never did any of those but i guess i was too naive. i forgot that those who are close with you are likely to be the ones who will hurt you the most, and i can’t escape from myself.

i’m tired and so hungry when i have had meals more than i usually take. why do humans still want to have more even after they already have some things in their lives?

and it’s the same question:

what do you want?

[sereyat]

i’m not scared of getting hurt but i might be afraid that you would hurt me. there is a small cliff in between how i don’t want to see you as a bad person and how i don’t want you to turn into a bad person, but maybe it’s not you who changed, in some ways; it’s probably me who never sees the signs.

[sereyat]

the thought of me taking someone for granted unconsciously scares me. i never know whether i did harm them or not. i know i never meant to, but if it happened, most of my words would only sound like excuses to escape, in my own ears. i will never know how it rings in their ears. i don’t like running away. it’s putting more effort, also tiring. i don’t mind being at a slow pace. i am slow. i take a lot of time doing something, even breathing, but not blinking. i blink fast, i’m aware. this isn’t even poetry, or sentences written figuratively. if anyone would understand that without having the need to hear more explanation from me, things would be so much easier, but i know it will never work in that way. at which state am i so brave asking for life to be tender?

[sereyat]

you wondered why i fell in love with you but one reason you had to know that you did not see yourself the way i saw you; you did not see that exciting sparkle in your words every time you talked about something that made you love being alive.

but i was a cutthroat droplet of heavy rains that flicked the light off of you.

and the realization just came by after the words of apology no longer could be said.

[sereyat]

the doctor told me to drink more milk because of my anemia, so i did. though i dislike the feeling when the white liquid gets through pass my throat. but i won’t lie that i do feel better after consuming milk daily. and today, i put some ice cubes into the cup before i pour the milk in. i have finished the milk and now the ice cubes are all left inside the cup. they are all slowly melting because the time doesn’t stop.

the occurrence leads my memory to the conversation i had with my friend this morning where she believed that everything is not going easier; it will only get worse. but the ice cubes are melting because the time doesn’t stop. so i chew on my ice cubes with a hope that her pain will also melt away like my ice cubes, because the time doesn’t stop. yes, it could get worse, but the chance of it getting better is there as well.

and all i could say is this:

we will be fine one day because the time doesn’t stop and we will be better.