Seriously Single

A parody in online dating-Jade Jones

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Seriously......

Well, being a serial dater is taking a toll. I get more and more discouraged with the guys that I’m meeting and interacting with. It makes my exes seem like a walk in the park. Time to zen out. Regroup. Work on my yoga and art. Meditate. This online dating thing would be great if I just wanted to hook up or be a party girl. But when you are looking for the real thing....it’s going to try my patience that’s for sure. 

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Let it happen organically

Ok. Let me preface this with...if you know me, you know I’m a hippie. And I will overwhelm you with memes that are full of philosophical wisdom that really just freaks you out with how natural they are. I have 12 plants. I shop for organic food, buy natural cleaner, and am a huge advocate of building relationships over time. I believe in all naturale, so please. When i meet someone that has 0 sex drive and claims to have all this free time, yet never makes plans....red flag. He wanted to let things happen organically. Well honey, i hate to break it to you, but we are both on Bumble because we want something. I want a serious relationship, you want....organic chemistry. PUT. IN. EFFORT. Please. I’m not asking for the moon, although I really should, because, well, I’m amazing. But reality, I’m all about building a relationship over time. But the relationship will never happen if I’m the one building it by myself. I have to wonder, are guys really that dumb that they have no clue how to communicate and how to make things happen, or are they that smart that they manipulate the system so the girl has to do all the work?

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Calm after the storm

Ladies, how many of you just wish that you could be completely natural around your man? For me I don’t wear a lot of make up, love wearing pjs, and love snuggling with a movie on a Friday after work. Not a big fan of getting all dolled up and going out after a long work week. All i want is to go home, make some dinner (or get take out), curl up in pjs with my man and just recharge. Enjoy the calm after the crazy work week. It’s a Friday night, and I’m just too tired to interact with people. Needing some solitude and rest.

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Oh such a sweetheart

Ugh. Met the most amazing guy tonight. Has his shit together. Is kind, intelligent, logical. There was just no spark. Huge Bummer.Why is it that the kind ones just don’t click? It’s like we are wired to like the ones that hurt us over and over, that treat us crappy, and then when someone sweet waltzes into our life, it’s just not a fit. On paper, we are the perfect fit. In person, not so much. An what sucks is I’m the only one that sees it. Such a bitch. Sigh. Sip of hot tea (no more wine tonight, I’m getting “chubby” :). Well, I was hoping that this one would hit if out of the park. He’s just so...normal. And a little introverted. Nothing wrong with that, except I need spark. Excitement. A little crazy....so the hunt, I mean journey, continues.

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#boxers or #briefs? #shopaholic 

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#hottie #threesome? #please don’t be his sister!

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#soo #attractive #yes I want a Momma’s boy please!

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Bi, as in bi-weekly?

I met the most amazing guy on Bumble. Smart, metro, silly, loveable (I like them built like linebackers, thank you very much), amazing. We connected the day after Christmas, and the connection was just instantaneous. We Facetimed, and found that we had good things in common, smoking cigars, working in the same industry, old souls at heart, positive person, you get it. Our first conversation we connected so well, only for him to tell me two hours later that he’s bi. I’ve never encountered this before, most guys want another girl in their bed ASAP, but for a guy to want another guy to make a threesome....interesting. I wasn’t opposed to it, but it definitely got me wondering. If I see an uber hot guy on the big movie screen, right after a steamy shower scene, is my guy just as turned on as me? 

We dated for about two weeks. The first week was amazing. We brought in the new year together, and he told me he’s off Bumble. That it had served it’s purpose. I immediately follow suit, and find that he inspires me and motivates me. Just writing this I am smiling. Well honeymoon period...ended 7 days in. He became horrible with time management, and sucked at communicating. What happened to the guy that i just met, that over communicated about his sexual preference?! I honestly don’t know what happened, except that he became two faced, rude, and a completely different person in the span of a week. Maybe he needed a dick to satisfy him, not sure. But he was (for one week) one of the most amazing people I’ve connected with, for sure. And I’m proud to say that I gave the whole “Bi” situation a chance, for the guy. #iwant #browniepoints

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Check back later

98,99, 100 swipes left.....and still no matches. BUMMER! All that time and I’m just looking at a ton of abs, guys with their moms, guys with party girls, guys posing with a poop face....yikes! I need more wine. Then the dreaded moment when you swipe only to meet a screen that says to check back later, there are no more available guys! Gasp. Sigh. Sip of Wine. It’s not that there aren’t amazing guys out there. It’s just....I’m looking for an interesting guy, never been married, no kids, loves life, new adventures, and isn’t a party boy. All these photos of guys, it’s a first impression. I don’t want to see what brand of boxers (or lack thereof) you are wearing. Or that you have three girls with titties showing in your profile pic. No thank you, I have two already, I’m good. Then there’s the profile that you’ve already dated prior to Bumble. Quick swipe, you’re the reason I’m on here! Lol, life is short, and to be able to find someone looking for the real thing would be fantastic, or something short of a miracle.

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I like that you’re chubby

Welcome to online dating. The world where you can swipe left or right, and connections magically vanish or happen. This isn’t a new world to me, and probably to most of you single ladies out there. Ever get sick of trying to get your coffee at Starbucks, or picking up fresh vegetables from Sprouts, and there’s some creeper lurking? It’s like come on already. Just be a nice guy and not a toad please! Then maybe I’ll let you buy my coffee. Yet over and over, the creepiness continues. Lead into online dating.  Well, I’ve tried Match, sort of Tinder, and now Bumble. It’s a journey. I’ve tried sprinting through it, but with men online....they lie about their age, their height, what they do. Sounds familiar? Then you meet a nice guy, (or so you think), and then it’s like oops! He forgot to tell you he has kids. 

One of my earlier experiences with Bumble was meeting a nice Indian guy that was drop dead gorgeous. I like men that are diverse, and this man was extremely intelligent. However, he also couldn’t take care of himself, and had no concept of time. On our second date, he kept holding my tummy. That is the one area I am so self conscious, and told him so. He proceeds to continue rubbing my tummy, and then grabs a roll of the damn thing, squeezes it, and says “I like that you’re chubby”, WHAT?? I look at him, and he clarifies with “I like chubby girls”. Mic Drop. I’ve been killing myself doing hot yoga, and he thinks it’s sexy to call me fat? 

Venturing into the online world, you have to have thick skin. Otherwise, you will just get eaten alive. I hope that my story will encourage you, and save you from kissing a toad or two. #goodtimesahead