THE SETH MURFIE BLOG @sethmurfie-blog - Tumblr Blog

THE END - [Feb. 14, 10:14 p.m.]

ALRIGHT WELL HERE WE ARE, YUP THAT'S RIGHT, THE END OF THE LINE, THE TIP OF THE TRACK, THE TAIL OF THE ROSTER AND THE HORN OF THE HUB.

IT'S BEEN A PRETTY OBSTREPEROUS FEW YEARS, IF MY LAWYER HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE AND BE ETERNALLY GLAD THAT MY LAWYER ISN'T EVEN THE LEAST BIT REAL.

BUT AS I SIT HERE TIP-TYPING AWAY ON CALEB'S IRRATIONAL LAPTOP THAT HE BROUGHT ABOARD, AND AS WE WAIT FOR TAKE-OFF, I THINK ABOUT THE MELEE OF GETTING THROUGH SECURITY DOWN THERE AND WHAT A HASSLE THAT WAS. I GUESS NOTHING REALLY VERY SIGNIFICANT HAPPENED, CALEB OF COURSE HAD TO WEAR HIS FOUNTAIN OF GLOSTICKS ALL OVER HIS BODY SO THAT HE WAS TAKING EXTRA LONG AND I HUNG BACK IN MORTAL SHAME. AFTER HE WENT THROUGH, I STARTED TO WALK FORWARD TO ENTER THE LINE WHEN SOMEONE TAPPED MY SHOULDER, AND SO I WHIRLED AROUND.

"Hey."

PORRIDGE WAS STANDING THERE, SMILING WARILY WHILE HOLDING A BOWLING PIN IN HER HAND. I LOOKED DOWN AT IT BRIEFLY, THEN BACK UP AT HER AND SAID "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!”

SHE DIDN'T ANSWER. INSTEAD SHE JUST SAID, "Look at that. Now you're the one flying away."

I KEPT STARING. EVENTUALLY, AS THE HUM OF SECURITY AND AIRPORT CLATTER DRONED ON, I SAID "IS IT POSSIBLE YOU'RE GOING TO COME WITH US, OR, ARE YOU GOING BACK TO MORIARTY JAPAN?"

THE HUM WENT ON. PORRIDGE SAID, "I'll probably fly back in a week. Something like that. I obviously have some responsibilities to face up to." SHE HELD HER LEFT HAND UP, THE ONE WITH THE JEWEL-METAL- CIRCLE THING UPON IT, AND I LOOKED AT HER BLANKLY, CONFUSED. I THINK SHE SAW THE BLANKNESS IN MY EYES BECAUSE EVENTUALLY SHE SAID, "Seth." OR SHE KIND OF SIGHED IT.

"ᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇ—"

"WELL IF YOU EVER GET THE CHANCE I SUPPOSE THAT YOU COULD VISIT CALEB AND I IN ARID TROPICAL ANTARCTICA. I'M SURE WE'LL HAVE SOME MINUTE SPACE OR SOME SORT OF WITCH'S CHAMBER FOR YOUR CAPITAL BEING."

PORRIDGE SMILED SORT OF ODDLY AGAIN, AND SHE SAID, "I've—made choices that aren't—" SHE STOPPED AGAIN, AS IF SHE WERE HAVING TROUBLE TALKING. "—so good, all the time, but the big choice I've made is one I want to stick with. I guess I was just getting cold feet."

I LOOKED DOWN AT HER FEET, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE PROBLEM WHEN I GOT A CLOSER LOOK AT THE BOWLING PIN IN HER HAND. THEN, I SAW THE RED MARKINGS.

"EXCUSE ME PORRIDGE MY DEAR IS THIS THE ANIMALISTIC CALLIGRAPHY BOWLING PIN THAT I MIGHT HAVE DROPPED DOWN AT THE MASQUERADE BALL?" I WAS STARING AT IT EVEN HARDER.

"Oh, yeah," SHE SAID, HALF-CHUCKLING. "You did drop it." AND THEN SHE HANDED IT TO ME, AND I SAW SOMETHING WRITTEN ON THE BACK.

“ᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇ—"

"WAIT STOP THE PRESSES AND FUCK THE MILLENNIALS, DID YOU ACTUALLY DEFILE THIS INVIOLABLE MASTERPIECE WITH YOUR OWN BRAND OF SCORCHED PITIFUL LIES—"

"No, I—" SHE REACHED FORWARD, STARTING TO PUT A HAND ON MY SHOULDER, BUT THEN WITHDRAWING. "I—wrote something I said to you, um, at the ice rink. But in the form it's supposed to be in. Just—" SHE HALF-LAUGHED, ROLLING HER SHOULDER LIKE SHE'D DONE BEFORE. "—wanted to see if you remember me."

"REMEMBER YOU? W-WHAT DO YOU—?"

THEN I STARTED TO READ THE WORDS. WRITTEN DOWN THE LENGTH OF THE PIN, I SAW IN FAMILIAR SHARPIED HANDWRITING, A POEM. IT SAID:

Only time tells where I'm going;

My world's not really one worth knowing.

Even bento boxes don't settle me down—

Get out and get wise before we drown.

Let's stop being cheesy 'cause I'm really just fine—

Entertained by Caleb and Seth for a time.

I STARED. "WHAT...?"

PORRIDGE STEPPED A LITTLE FORWARD, A BIZZARRE CHANT IN THE BACKGROUND GETTING LOUDER AND LOUDER. SECURITY THRUMMED AS SHE SAID, "Acrostic."

I LOOKED AT IT ONCE MORE. AND I LOOKED AT JUST THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH LINE. AND IT SAID

I STIRRED. "DID YOU—WAIT—"

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ, ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ, ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ, ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ—"

"A-ALL THAT TIME LONG AGO, WHEN I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO’S ALSO INTERESTED IN BOWLING AND THIER GRANDMOTHER—"

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ—"

"AND TELLING THEM ABOUT HOW MY GRANDMA WOULD DO BOWLING PIN CALLIGRAPHY WITH ME AND ALL THIS OTHER P-PERSONAL BULLSHIT, YOU WERE—"

"Seth," SHE SAID.

"ᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇ-ɴɪᴇ—"

"I've known you a while now."

"BUT—"

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ—"

“BUT HOW DID YOU RECOGNIZE IT WAS ME BASED ON A SINGLE SCRAP OF NET CONVERSATION?!"

SUDDENLY, PORRIDGE DID SOMETHING THAT I GUESS I CAN NEVER SEE COMING WITH HER EITHER. SHE THREW HER HEAD BACK, AND LAUGHED, VERY LOUDLY, AND VERY PROUDLY. "Who else could possibly be Seth Murfie?"

"I—I—"

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ—"

"PORRIDGE—"

AND BEFORE I KNEW IT THE SWARM OF BOYS RUSHED UPON ME AND WERE CARRYING ME TOWARD SECURITY, A THRONG PUSHING ME AWAY AS PORRIDGE SMILED AND WAVED, THE BOWLING PIN TIGHT IN MY GRIP. "GOODBYE" I SAID, THOUGH I COULD HARDLY HEAR IT OVER THE EENIE- ING THAT CARRIED ME OVER THE RAIL AND INTO THE GATE.

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AS I PREPARE TO START MY WONDERFUL NEW LIFE IN ANTARCTICA, HELPING MY BROTHER WITH SOME KIND OF LUGGAGE-APP BUSINESS OR WHATEVER IT IS (AND ALSO APPARENTLY DOING SOME SKYPE- CONDUCTING OF THE NEW YORK SYMPHONY PHILHARMONIC), KNOWING THAT I'LL BE AN ESSENTIAL TOOL IN THE K.B.I., I HAVE TO—

I HAVE TO—WAIT.

I WAS PAINTING ON THAT BOWLING PIN THAT NIGHT AT THE MASQUERADE BALL. CALEB'S DOING SOMETHING ON HIS PHONE RIGHT NOW, BUT SHOULD I INVARIABLY INFORM HIM THAT—

NO. HE'LL BE ACCEPTABLE. HE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT HE WAS FAR FROM CORRECT.

HE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT EVEN WITH MY MASK ON THAT MADE ME UNRECOGNIZABLE THAT NIGHT, THAT WITH THE BOWLING PIN CALLIGRIPHIED UNDER MY ARMPIT IT MEANT THAT THE UMBRELLA- WOMAN IN THE STRANGE BLUE-AND-BLACK MASK WOULD REMEMBER AN OLD OMEGLE CONVERSATION, AND SO KNEW THE WHOLE TIME WHOSE NECK SHE WAS PUTTING HER ARM AROUND. AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

WE’RE NEARLY ABOUT TO LAUNCH. WE’LL HAVE TO TURN OFF OUR BAGS, BOWLING BALLS, AND ELECTRONIC MACHINERY. SO ALRIGHT. FINE. GOODBYE AMERICA. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR ACROSTIC POETRY. I CAN'T SAY I HAVE MANY COMPLAINTS, ALTHOUGH THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN EXPONENTIALLY BETTER. I GUESS I'M JUST RELIEVED, THAT AT SOME POINT, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, DID, BRIEFLY—

AN ADDITIONAL PLUNGE - [Feb. 14, 2:14 a.m.]

BUT STILL, I FIND MYSELF THINKING ABOUT THE BOX SITITNG IN CALEB'S POCKET, THE BOX WHERE I COULD SEE THE WORDS FISCHER-PRI JUST VISIBLE. WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT "FISCHER-PRI" IS OR WHAT IT HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING REALLY, BUT POSSIBLY CALEB WILL EXPLAIN LATER ONCE WE'RE SAFELY LANDED IN ANTARCTICA. I HOPE THERE ARE PALM TREES THERE, THEN FINALLY I CAN GET MY FIX.

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

P.S. LAST POST TONIGHT, BEFORE TAKE-OFF. VALENTINE'S DAY.

SHOWDOWN - [Feb. 14, 2:14 a.m.]

I WAS RUNNING. IT WAS STILL THE THIRTEENTH AND NEARING MIDNIGHT, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE CALEB WOULD'VE GONE BUT THE FIRST THING I'D CHECK WOULD BE OUR HOME. AS I DASH PASSED THE ICE-COVERED HILL AND SEE FOOTSTEPS THAT MUST'VE BEEN THERE EARLIER TONIGHT, I SPRINT AND SPRINT UNTIL I'M PANTING AND STORMING THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD, COMING CLOSE TO OUR HOUSEHOLD. MY FISTS WERE CLENCHED BY MY SIDE.

“YOU CAN ONLY LAUGH HORRIBLY AT PEOPLE’S PLIGHTS IF YOU’VE NEVER EVEN YOURSELF FELT THE TERRIBLE PAIN,” I MUTTERED IN A FETID RAGE.

BUT THEN I SUDDENLY STOPPED WHEN I SAW SOME KIND OF LAMP, SHINING, UP ON OUR ROOF. “HEY, WAIT. PLEASE, SOMEONE, ELABORATE ON THAT PETULANT LIGHT BREAKING OUT THROUGH OUR HORRENDOUS WINDOW PANE.”

AND I SAW PORRIDGE. THE PORRIDGE I KNOW. SHE WAS SITTING, ON THE ROOF, WITH HER ONE GLOVED HAND COVERING UP HER FACE, AND THE COINS REFLECTING LAMPLIGHT PERFECTLY. “Oh...” SHE SAID, “me.” SHE MUTTERED IT ENTIRELY TO HERSELF. SHE LOOKED EXHAUSTED.

“I THINK IT’S CLEAR THAT THE TIME HAS COME WHEN SHE HAS NOW JUST SPOKEN,” I FOUND MYSELF SAYING, EVEN THOUGH I DON’T KNOW WHY, AND NOT VERY LOUDLY.

PORRIDGE STILL COULDN’T HEAR ME. “Oh...” SHE SIGHED. THEN SHE SAID SOMETHING: “Seth.”

I JERKED UPRIGHT. HAD SHE JUST SAID MY NAME?

“Why are...” HER VOICE WAS IN AN UNDERBELLIED CROAK AND NOT EVEN AUDIBLE NOW. SHE SAID SOMETHING I COULDN’T QUITE HEAR AT FIRST, BUT THEN SHE SAID IT AGAIN. “Why are you Seth,” SHE SAID VERY LOWLY AND VERY SLOWLY.

“ALRIGHT SHOULD I CONTINUE TO LISTEN OR IS IT TIME THAT I CAME IN AND MADE MY FATAL APPEARANCE,” I ASKED WITH A LARGE FLOURISH OF PRACTICAL-JOKE CANS.

AS THE SILLY SNAKES SPRANG FROM THE FAUX PEANUT CONTAINERS ON MY HIP, PORRIDGE JERKED UPRIGHT. I HAD ESSENTIALLY SAID WHAT I’D SAID IN AN OPERATIC BELT, WHICH IS DIFFICULT TO NOT INTER.

“Seth?” SHE SAID, AWARE OF ME FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. “What are you doing down there?”

“WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS YOU’RE DOING UP THERE.”

"Um—" SHE LOOKED DOWN. "Caleb. Told me to meet him here—"

"ALRIGHT REALLY THAT'S WONDERFUL, GREAT, GOOD NEWS IN FACT WHY DON'T WE SUBSCRIBE TO CNN AND MAKE IT INTO A WORLD- MURFIE-WIDE-NEWS FLASH."

SHE STARED. THEN, SHE SLOWLY, WITH SHAKING LEGS, STOOD, UP ON THE ROOF. CALEB HAD STRUNG THE MULTI-COLORED CHRISTMAS LIGHTS FROM THAT TERRIBLE PARTY ALONG THE GUTTER AND THE EAVES, SO THOSE LIGHTS SHINED OFF OF HER TOO. "Seth," SAID PORRIDGE. "I'm—I'm sorry—"

"WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE?" I SAID. I WAS FACING AWAY FROM HER, ARMS SLACK AT MY SIDES. "THIS WAS A QUESTION YOU NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO ANSWER, REALLY."

PORRIDGE, HOLDING HER RIGHT HAND IN FRONT OF HER FACE AND HER GLOVE TREMBLING AS SHE GAZED. THEN SHE SAID, "Well, I-I don't know. It's..."

"HOW DID YOU EVEN ARRANGE TO TRAVEL HERE THEN, WITH CART AND HORSE?"

"No," SHE SAID. "Actually," SHE ADDED, OBVIOUSLY HOPEFUL FOR A CHANGE IN TOPIC, "I used this app to get my luggage over here ahead of time. I had put my old mask on the suitcase so it would be marked from the others. I'd love to meet the person who developed that app, it was great—"

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH" I SAID. CALEB. THE FABRIC AT THE DETROIT AIRPORT. OF FUCKING COURSE.

PORRIDGE HESITATED. "Seth—?"

"WHATEVER, FORGET IT!" I LOOKED UP AT HER, ON THE SECOND-STORY ROOF OF MY HOME. I WONDER HOW SHE GOT UP THERE ANYHOW. CALEB WOULD ALWAYS GET DOWN OFF THE ROOF BY WAY OF LEAPING ONTO THE HOOD OF HIS CAR, BUT THAT WAS PARKED IN THE GARAGE NOW. AND—

"hey, buddy!"

I LOOKED UP.

"wanna give us a little privacy?" SAID CALEB, WHO WAS STRIDING OVER, COATTAILS FLOWING BEHIND HIM ANGRILY.

"Wait, Caleb—" STARTED PORRIDGE, BUT I CUT IN.

"CALEB IS THERE ANY REASON THAT YOU NEED TO BE SO FUCKING POSSESIVE ALL THE TIME?" UNRECOGNIZABLE. FINE. IF I WAS, HE WAS TOO.

"alright buddy, you know what?" CALEB CAME FORWARD, NEARLY PUSHING ME. "you need to know the truth, okay? porridge has chosen me. don't disrespect the king."

"I—I didn't—"

"CALEB IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE PORRIDGE HAS REALLY CHOSEN ANYBODY."

"That's not true," SHE SAID, THE BAGS UNDER HER EYES LOOKING HEAVIER THAN EVER BEFORE.

"WHAT—?" BUT SUDDENLY CALEB TOOK THE BOTTLE, THE BOTTLE, OUT FROM HIS COAT AND FLUNG IT UP AND IN THE AIR. "sever your fucking ties."

"FUCK, CALEB, NO!"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" SHOUTED PORRIDGE.

"CALEB WHAT THE—"

"Here—" SAID PORRIDGE AND SUDDENLY HER FEET SKIDDED DOWN THE ROOF AS SHE PUSHED HERSELF FORWARD TO REACH OUT AND JUST BARELY SNATCH THE BOTTLE BEFORE IT COULD SHATTER ONTO THE GROUND—BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, PORRIDGE'S RIGHT SHOE LOST FOOTING AND SHE SUDDENLY FOUND HER LEGS DANGLING FROM THE GUTTER; SHE GASPED.

"PORRIDGE!!" "porridge!!"

"Fuck," SHE MANAGED, AND SHE WAS HANGING ON BY THAT ONE GLOVED HAND, THE OTHER HAND SWINGING AND STILL CLUTCHING AT THE INIMITABLE BOTTLE.

"OH GODDAMMIT CALEB." THE DROP WAS ENOUGH THAT YEAH SHE WOULDN'T FUCKING DIE BUT SHE WOULND'T NOT GET BADLY FUCKING DAMAGED EITHER. "PORRIDGE HERE" AND I HELD MY ARMS OUT.

"alright stop you're gonna fuck it up" AND CALEB PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY AND HELD HIS ARMS OUT. "alright porridge drop the bottle!"

"Wait, if I can just—"

"DROP IT!" I SHOUTED.

SHE DROPPED IT, AND CALEB CAUGHT THE BOTTLE THEN SET IT ONTO THE GROUND, BEFORE HE SAID "okay porridge", SPREADING HIS ARMS AGAIN BUT SHAKING WILDLY. "fuck" HE MUTTERED, SUDDENLY USURPING HIS CATCH-POSE TO RUN A SHAKING HAND OVER HIS HAIRLINE, HIS BACK HUNCHED OVER. "t-too much coke."

"CALEB YOU NEED HELP" I TOLD HIM.

"f-fuck you!" HE SCREAMED, REELING BACK.

"Uh, guys—" PORRIDGE WAS STARTING TO SLIP.

"CALEB YOU HAVE TO GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, ALRIGHT? PORRIDGE IS GONNA FALL—"

"i'm fine! and i'll catch her" SAID CALEB. HE HELD HIS ARMS OUT.

"CALEB JUST LET ME FUCKING HELP—"

"you're not going to help."

"Guys," SAID PORRIDGE, "I-I'm, ohhh fuck—"

"CALEB—"

"seth—"

"IF YOU WOULD'VE JUST LOOKED AT THE BOTTLE THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD'VE—"

"enough about the fucking bottle!!" CALEB HOWLED. "it's just a bottle, dude, okay?! curses aren't real, the fucking ‘eenie gang’ isn’t real, none of that's shit's real, alright? you're living in a delusion and you have been since you were little, seth, and maybe it's me and mom's fault, fine, but—"

"I-I'm gonna fall—"

"CALEB—"

"and porridge is going to be with me, not you, not anyone, not some strange man coming into our home and into our mom's bedroom and who doesn't even pay respect to the grave for my dog—"

"CALEB SHE'S—"

"and—”

AND SHE FELL.

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CLUNK.

IT WAS THE SOUND OF HER FALLING AS SHE GASPED AND WAS CAUGHT TIGHTLY IN THE GRASP OF CALEB'S ARMS. AS WELL AS MY ARMS. THEY WERE BOTH AROUND HER WAIST. I'M NOT TOTALLY SURE EITHER OF US COULD'VE PROPERLY DONE IT ALONE. AND I NEARLY SHRIEKED, BECAUSE FOR AN AWFUL SECOND I THOUGHT SHE HAD LOST HER LEFT HAND BECAUSE I SAW THAT THE COIN-TIPPED GLOVE WAS STILL HANGING ONTO THE ROOF'S EDGE. BUT SUDDENLY I FELT CALEB SHIFT. AND I FELT HIM SUDDENLY DROP HIS ARMS AND LOOK AT SOMETHING, SOMETHING IN FRONT OF HIM. HIS BREATHING SLOWED. HIS AVIATORS POINTED AT PORRIDGE'S LEFT HAND, WHICH SHE WAS HOLDING UP TO HER FACE AND RUBBING GINGERLY. HER HEAD WAS DOWN, STARING AT THE BOTTLE'S TEXT, AND I SAW THAT THERE WAS SOME KIND OF METAL CIRCLE AROUND ONE OF HER FINGERS? YOU KNOW, THE FINGER BETWEEN THE MIDDLE AND THE PINKIE, I FORGET WHAT THAT ONE'S CALLED EXACTLY—BUT THAT THE METAL CIRCLE AROUND THAT FINGER HAD LIKE A JEWEL IN IT. HUH.

WE STOOD THERE FOR AWHILE. WHAT WAS THIS? WHAT EXACTLY WAS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT A METAL CIRCLE AND A JEWEL? I, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE, EXCEPT ON MOM YEARS AGO AND UPON ASKING HER ABOUT IT, SHE SAID IT DOESN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE. AND WHY WAS CALEB POINTING AT THE FINGER PLUS STARTING TO CRY?

"Um... " BOTH CALEB AND ME LOOKED UP AT HER WHEN WE REALIZED PORRIDGE WAS SPEAKING. "I thought... " HER VOICE DIDN'T SOUND NORMAL. "I thought that if I kept it on, it would somehow be... " SHE SIGHED AND ROLLED HER HEAD ALONG HER SHOULDERS, AND I SAW THAT HER EYES WERE REFLECTING LIGHT MORE POTENTLY THAN NORMAL. WHAT? "I don't know... more—honest—" AND SHE WAS CUT OFF BY HER BREATH SUCKING INWARD AND HER BACK ARCHING—I LET GO OF HER MIDRIFF. WHAT WAS GOING ON?

"someone you met in japan?" SAID CALEB.

PORRIDGE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, BUT NODDED. WHAT?

CALEB HAD BEEN STANDING THERE FOR SOME TIME NOW. HE HAD WIPED THE MOISTURE OFF OF HIS FACE, AND FINALLY SOME ALARM ON HIS CELL PHONE WENT OFF, AND HE LOOKED AT IT. "happy fourteenth. twenty-three hours till our flight leaves." HE WAS REALLY QUIET, AND KIND OF MONOTONE. AND CALEB PUT AWAY THE PHONE, STILL LETTING HIS ALARM RING. FINALLY HE LOOKED AT PORRIDGE BEHIND HIS AVIATORS AND SAID: "go."

"C—Caleb—" SAID PORRIDGE—

"go" HE SAID LOUDER THIS TIME, STARTING TO WALK TOWARD HER.

"Caleb Caleb, I'm—"

"will you just fucking go!!" HE SHRIEKED, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I CAME THERE BETWEEN CALEB AND HER, HOLDING HIM BACK AND MY ARM SHIELDING PORRIDGE'S SHAKING FRAME WHILE THE INNOCENT LITTLE ALARM CONTINUED TO GO OFF AND OFF.

RING-RING-RINGGGG!

PORRIDGE SOBBED. "Will you—will you, um, read the bottle that Seth wrote on—?"

"YOU READ IT?" I TURNED TO HER.

RINGGGG!

SHE NODDED.

"go!" CALEB YELLED, AND SUDDENLY PORRIDGE TURNED AND RAN, DISAPPEARING INTO THE DARK. I STARED.

RING-RING-RINGGGGG!

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IN THE NIGHT AIR THE ALARM CONTINUED RINGING, AND CALEB FINALLY TOOK THE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SWITCHED IT OFF.

I WAS STILL SO CONFUSED. SO WHY DID CALEB FREAK OUT ABOUT A FINGER-DECORATION? IS THAT HE WISHES HE COULD HAVE HIS OWN FINGER-BEJEWLMENT? AND HONESTLY I'M STARTING TO REGRET WHAT I SUGGESTED VIA WRITING ON THE BOTTLE—I'M REGRETTING IT BECAUSE OF THIS BIZARRE FUCKING BEHAVIOR TOWARDS PORRIDGE AND SOME OF THE THINGS HE'S SAID HAVE JUST SET ME TO THE LIMIT. CURSES HAVE TO BE REAL. HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN—

"seth." I LOOKED OVER. CALEB HAD PICKED UP THE BOTTLE AND WAS READING IT NOW. HIS GLASSES HAD COME OFF, AND HE WAS STARING. HE READ THE MESSAGE I'D WRITTEN, WITH I lift the curse REFLECTING BEHIND IT, BACKWARDS, AND HE SAW THAT ON THE OTHER SIDE IT SAID

CALEB,

I HAVE A SUGGESTED NAME FOR YOUR SILLY LITTLE BUSINESS. CALL YOUR COMPANY "KNIGHT BROTHERS INCORPORATED".

I'LL EVEN ASSIST YOU IN THE ADMINISTRATION ONCE I GRADUATE COLLEGE, OF COURSE. I KNOW YOU'LL WANT ME, AND MY UNCEASING CANDOR.

SINCERELY,

-SETH YOUR BROTHER.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I SAID. CALEB HAD MADE ME ANGRY AGAIN AND AGAIN. IT WAS TIME FOR IT TO END. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WROTE WHAT I DID.

CALEB LOOKED LIKE HE WAS UNDERGOING SOMETHING THAT HE'D BEEN STRUGGLING WITH FOR A LONG TIME. FINALLY, EYE STILL ON THAT BOTTLE, FINGER RUBBING MY SUGGESTED NAME FOR THE COMPANY, HE SAID "not after college."

"WHAT?"

"not after college" HE SAID AGAIN, LOUDER THIS TIME. HE LOOKED UP. "now. come with me for the flight tomorrow night. i'll have an extra seat now, you can take time off from school and help me."

I STOOD BACK. "CALEB NO." I WAS STARING IN THE DIRECTION WHERE PORRIDGE HAD RUN OFF TO. "CALEB, WHY EXACTLY DID PORRIDGE RUN AWAY? WHAT IN THE PRUMP IS REALLY GOING ON—?"

"seth." CALEB STEPPED TOWARD ME, GRABBING ME BY THE SHOULDERS. "dude." HE WAS LOOKING AT ME, LOOKING SOMEHOW DESPARATE. "none of that matters now. just trust me. i love your idea of you helping me run my business, and flying off with me, i-i think i actually need y—"

"CALEB!" AND I SHOOK HIM OFF ME, EVEN AS HIS EYES WENT HUGE AND WORN. "NO! NO, OKAY? I, I, I NEED TO STAY HERE, I HAVE OBLIGATIONS, ALRIGHT? PORRIDGE MIGHT STILL BE HERE, AND-AND MOM—WELL, MOM P-P-PROBABLY WANTS ME TO STAY HERE, TO STAY IN SCHOOL AND—"

"seth mom doesn't care about y—" HE STOPPED.

I STARED. MY TEETH WERE CLENCHED. "WHAT?"

"mom doesn't care about us." CALEB SWUNG THE BOTTLE IN HIS HAND. "not, anymore really. she has a man to take care of her now."

"I—I—I NEVER THOUGHT MOM WAS MY GREATEST FAN, BUT I KNOW I'LL PROVE MYSELF TO HER, JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE, I KNOW I'LL—"

"seth, this is your curse. this is why—"

"NO!!!" I SCREAMED, AND I PUSHED CALEB AND RAN. I RAN AND RAN AND I RAN UNTIL COMING TO THE ICE-COVERED HILL, AND I SAT DOWN THERE, IN THE SNOW. THE WIND WENT BY GENTLY, AND I COULD HEAR A COYOTE HOWLING IN THE DISTANCE, BEFORE EVENTUALLY, I LAID BACK, LETTING THE ICE NUMB MY ARMS AND LEGS AND FEET. I STARED UP AT THE MOON, WONDERING WHEN IT WOULD BE FULL AGAIN. AND—

BUT THEN MY PHONE RINGS.

I PICK IT UP, BRUSHING OFF THE ICE-COVERED CRYSTALS. CALL FROM HOME. HM. I ANSWER IT.

"CALEB JUST LISTEN, I CAN'T—"

I STOP, HEARING THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE. MY CHIN DROPS.

"MOM?"

I SIT UP.

THE VOICE JUST KEEPS ON SPEAKING.

"Y-YES" I SAY EVENTUALLY, "OKAY SO YES I UNDERSTAND, CALEB TOLD YOU TO CALL ME, AND YES I REMEMBER YOU SENDING ME TO THE BACKYARD ALL THOSE YEARS AGO—BUT W-WHATEVER, IT DOESN'T MATTER! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WAS HAPPENING WITH YOU AND CALEB WHILE—"

THE VOICE CUTS ME OFF, TELLING ME SOMETHING ELSE.

I PAUSE. "OH. YOU TWO WOULD DO A GAME WHERE—YOU'D—WHAT? I NEVER SAW YOU DO THAT."

THE VOICE TELLS ME ANOTHER THING.

"OH. WELL I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE OWNED ONE OF THOSE. I WOULD ALWAYS JUST GET SOAKED ON THE RAINY DAYS."

THE VOICE SAYS SOMETHING ELSE.

"OH. WELL, EVEN IF YOU WERE, WHATEVER, PRANCING AROUND WITH AN UMBRELLA WHILE INDOORS OR WHATEVER YOU SAID YOU WERE DOING TO ENTERTAIN SIX-YEAR-OLD CALEB, I-I STILL DON'T CARE THAT I WAS JUST EXCLUDED—"

THE VOICE CUTS ME OFF AGAIN, THIS TIME SAYING SOMETHING LOUDER AND WITH MORE FORCE THAN EVEN BEFORE. I WAIT TILL IT FINISHES.

"OH." AND I SIT THERE, HAND GETTING NUMBER AND NUMBER IN FROST. FINALLY I SAY "I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD SUPPORT ME DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT, MOM. GOING ALL THE WAY TO ANTARCTICA—"

THE VOICE SAYS ANOTHER THING. MY HEAD FALLS BACK AS MY SCALP TOUCHES SNOW AGAIN.

"YOU REALLY THINK CALEB DEPENDS ON ME THAT MUCH? THAT I'VE BENEFITTED HIM AND-AND THAT I ACTUALLY MATTER, AND THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I'LL FIND LOVE SOMEDAY AND I'VE BEEN THE BEST OLDER BROTHER CALEB COULD EVER HAVE AND-AND-AND ALL THESE THINGS YOU'VE JUST TOLD ME BUT THAT YOU'VE NEVER, EVER SAID BEFORE NOW—"

THE VOICE QUIETLY SAYS SOMETHING THAT IT HASN'T TOLD ME SINCE THE DAY CALEB WAS BORN.

I SIT IN THE SNOW AND WIND. THE WHITE NOISE ON THE END OF THE LINE HUMS BRILLIANTLY, AND AFTER A WHILE I OPEN MY MOUTH NEAR THE PHONE AND SAY "LOVE YOU TOO" BEFORE I HANG UP. PERFECT STRIKE.

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WHEN I ARRIVE AT THE HOUSE TEN MINUTES LATER, I SEE CALEB, SITTING IN A CHAIR AT THE FRONT ROOM. THE BOTTLE IS ON A TABLE BESIDE HIM, WHERE CAN I SEE UNDER MY PROPOSITION HE'S WRITTEN sure.

"CALEB."

HE LOOKS UP AT ME.

I TELL HIM THAT I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. I'LL GO WITH HIM TO ANTARCTICA. TOMORROW NIGHT.

CALEB LOOKS SURPRISED, AND HE SMILES. AND THEN, HE WALKS UP AND HUGS ME. I STIFFEN, NOT REALLY KNOWING WHAT EXACTLY TO DO AT FIRST, BUT THEN I JUST PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM, AND WE BREAK.

"okay, dude" SAYS CALEB QUICKLY. HIS VOICE SOUNDS REALLY TIRED. "get packing."

"ALRIGHT."

AND I WAS IN MY ROOM SUDDENLY PACKING MY THINGS, ROLLING UP CLOTHES AND TOSSING IN ORANGE PEELS AND COFFEE CHUNKS, AND I THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING I SAW, SOMETHING STICKING SLIGHTLY OUT OF CALEB'S FRONT POCKET.

"you almost ready dude?" HE CALLS AS I START TO ZIP UP MY SUITCASE.

"A MOMENT SIR" I CALL DOWN.

I PREPARE TO WALK DOWN THE STAIRCASE, THINKING ABOUT HOW IN HIS FRONT POCKET I SAW A BOX, WITH THE WORDS—

"alright" SAYS CALEB, STOPPING MY THOUGHT-TRAIN. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND LOOKS AT OUR HOUSE FOR A FINAL TIME. "off we go dude."

"OFF WE GO."

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

BEFORE WE LEFT, THERE WAS ONE OTHER STOP.

AT THE ICE-COVERED HILL, NEAR THE MOUND, YOU'LL SEE SOMETHING, STUCK IN THE SNOW AND UPSIDE-DOWN. IF IT RESEMBLES A TOTALLY EMPTY CIDER BOTTLE, WITH WORDS IN DIFFERENT HANDWRITINGS WRITTEN ALL OVER, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT GRAVE.

BATTLE - [Feb. 13, 11:04 p.m.]

"FIRST OFF—YOU'RE A LUMP-SLUMPING BITCH-AVOIDER AND I DEIGN TO ASK WHY IS IT THAT YOU RAN SUFFICENTLY FAR FROM THE ONE AND ONLY KNOWN WITCH—" I GET CLOSER TO HIM, THE KARAOKE MACHINE FLASHING AS THE CROWD WAVES. "—EVEN WHEN SHE SEEMS TO WANT YOUR HORRIBLE PRESENCE?" SPITTLE FLIES.

"seth, you're only twenty-one." HE LOOKS UP, GRIPPING A SHAKING HAND AGAINST HIS AVIATORS TO ADJUST THEM PRIMLY. "i don't think you'll understand."

"OH FUCK OFF CALEB!" I THROW MY HANDS UP. "YOU'RE LITERALLY EIGHTEEN, AND DON'T MAKE THIS ABOUT THE RIVER OR ANY OTHER PAST NONSENSE WHEN WE ALL—"

"alright, dude." HE THROWS HIS PHONE DOWN, DESTROYING IT AND GIVING ME A GENUINE SHOCK PLUS MAKING THE AUDIENCE GASP. "you know what the fuck is going on?" HE COMES CLOSER TO ME, SWEAT FROM HIS MICROPHONE DRIPPING ONTO MINE. HIS FACE IS TILTED DOWN AND HIS EYEBROWS ARE SEVERUSLY THRUNCHED. "the dude i was doing business with in antarctica, my most important branch believe it or not, fucking quit. he didn't wanna work for a company without a name! as if that mattered, but apparently like whatever that wasn't the only problem, but listen, seth, fucking listen: it turns out i'm going to have to go over there." THE ROOM HAS NOW BECOME ODDLY STILL, WHILE MY SEARCHING EYES ARE TRYING TO FIND WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. CALEB CONTINUES: "and i'll probably have to take a red-eye flight on the fourteenth, in like a day. and this kinda sucks when porridge—"

"OH WHAT, YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO BRING HER ALONG?"

"yeah." HE SHRUGS, TURNING HIS FACE SLIGHTLY FROM ME. "i might. but i'm not optimistic, alright? and neither should you be—"

"CALEB, W-WHAT—" I'M THROWING MY HANDS OUT, THE KARAOKE MACHINE STARTING UP AGAIN WITH A BLARING POLKA. "THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE BETWEEN PORRIDGE AND M—MYSELF."

"ooh look at that" CALEB SAYS. "seth murfie being quiet for once in his life."

WITHOUT KNOWING WHY, I STARE UP AT THE CEILING. THEN, I LOOK BACK AT CALEB AND CONTINUE: "CURSE LIFTED."

AND THEN CALEB, SUDDENLY (AGAIN DOING SOMETHING THAT I CAN NEVER SEE COMING)—JUST STARTS LAUGHING. HE LAUGHS AND LAUGHS AND I SAY "WHAT? WHAT IS SO FUNNY?"

"you think porridge has no, uh-huh-huh, like, regard, toward you?" HE SUDDENLY GRITS HIS TEETH.

"NO."

"i wish."

MY MICROPHONE WHINES OUT FEEDBACK.

"alright, dude." CALEB STEPS CLOSE AGAIN. "she's fooling both of us. i don't know what it is, but haven't you ever like wondered why she won't take off that stupid glove on her left hand? she never takes it off."

"LIKE YOU WON'T TAKE OFF YOUR AVIATORS CALEB?"

THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS AS CALEB'S EXPRESSION DARKENS, AND THE KARAOKE MACHINE SWITCHES TO THE CHICKEN DANCE. THE CHICKEN DANCE. WAIT, I REMEMBER FINDING THAT THE DAY I—WHAT WEBSITE WAS IT—

"i should go" CALEB SAYS, AND THE AUDIENCE SHRIEKS.

"PARDON ME BUT WHAT ARE WE TO DO WITH THE CLAMORINGS OF THE TENACIOUSLY FERRETING CROWD?" I ASK.

HE LOOKS AROUND. "what crowd—?"

"CALEB, WAIT!" WAIT. "C-CALEB." I SUDDENLY REMEMBER THE MOON. "CALEB, I—ALRIGHT, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU NEED HELP."

SUDDENLY MY BROTHER LOOKS UP FROM HIS SECOND PHONE. "what?"

"I—" THE AUDIENCE JUST GOES OOOOHHHH AS I STEP CLOSER AND PEOPLE ARE CHICKEN DANCING WILDLY TO THE UPROARIOUS JAUNT. "WELL FIRST OF ALL, I AM AWARE THAT YOU'RE HAVING INSUFFERABLE PROBLEMS THINKING UP SOME KIND OF NAME FOR YOUR LITTLE COMPANY AFFAIR, HOWEVER—" SUDDENLY I HAD A MASSIVE EPIPHANY. CALEB STARED AS I PULLED OUT THE BOTTLE, WHICH I HAD BEGUN CARRYING AROUND, AND, AFTER JUST A SECOND OF HESITATION, WROTE A THING ON BACK OF IT AND HANDED IT OVER TO MY BROTHER.

"i'm not reading whatever you wrote there, buddy." HE HELD UP THE BOTTLE. "you should take it back. it's all you're gonna have of her."

THE AUDIENCE MADE A PURRRRR NOISE LIKE CATS GETTING FLUSTERED AS I CLENCHED MY TEETH AND FOUGHT BACK PURE UNSERENADED RAGE. I SWALLOWED. "CALEB JUST KEEP IT. AND, READ THE MESSAGE AT SOME FUTURE TIME."

"i'm not gonna fucking read it." AND HE ALMOST THROWS IT BUT THEN TUCKS THE BOTTLE INDIFFERENLTY WITHIN HIS COAT POCKET AS I SAY "ALRIGHT CALEB I UNDERSTAND MAYBE YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY HAPPY BECAUSE OF—I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE MOM—?"

THEN MY WRIST. I LOOK DOWN. CALEB, STANDING IN THE LIGHTS, IS GRIPPING MY WRIST. HARD. HE OPENS HIS MOUTH, AND TALKS SLOWLY. "just stop."

I DON'T. "WELL OKAY CALEB I GET THAT MAYBE DUE TO THE FACT THAT MOM HASN'T GIVEN YOU SO MUCH ATTENTION AS OF LATE, AND, BELIEVE ME I'M UNDISPUTABLY IN STEP WITH HOW THAT FEELS—"

CALEB SUDDENLY LOOKS DOWN, AND LOOSENS HIS GRIP JUST A HAIR.

"BUT—" CALEB'S GRIP TIGHTENS, HIS TEETH GRITTING. "—I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE WORRIED, I MEAN IS IT ALSO MAYBE BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T AS FINE AS YOU CLAIMED TO BE THAT DAY MONTHS AGO THAT WE WENT DOWN TO THE ICY HILL AND STARTED TO BURY KNI—"

MY FACE GOES FLYING AS I'M KNOCKED SIDELONG ACROSS THE CLAMORING STAGE, CROWD SCREAMING AND HUFFING AND ROOM SPINNING DIFFIDENTLY AS CALEB'S FEET SLOWLY HONE INTO FOCUS, WALKING TOWARD ME A STEP AT A TIME. ON THE FLOOR I SEE CALEB'S AVIATORS THAT'VE FALLEN DOWNWARD, AND I NOTICE THAT INSIDE THE LENSES IS TAPED ONE SMALL PICTURE OF KNIGHT, BUT BEFORE ANYTHING CAN SETTLE WELL CALEB SWOOPS UP THE AVIATORS, AND LOOKS DOWN AT ME.

I BLINK, LOOKING UP. "C-CALEB—"

"hey, dude?" HE SMILES, HORRIFYINGLY. "wanna know something funny? i asked porridge about the little kiss you guys, uh, supposedly shared."

"CALEB—"

"and uh, it turns out..." THE TRUMPETS OF THE CHICKEN DANCE BLAST. "well, dude—remember how you were basically unrecognizable in your masquerade mask?"

I'M STARTING TO TWITCH.

"turns out—" HE LEANS IN, PLACING ONE FINGER ON MY RAVISHING FOREHEAD. "she didn't uh, really recognize you either. otherwise—" CALEB SHOWS OFF EVERY INCH OF HIS IVORY TEETH. "she never would've kissed you—"

"AHHHHHH!!!!" AND I BARELY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED NEXT AS THE CROWD WENT WHOA AND MY FISTS JUST FOUND THEMSELVES FLYING INTO CALEB'S RIBCAGE SO THEN SUDDENLY WE WERE ROLLING ALL OVER AND OFF THE STAGE THE AUDIENCE JUST STARTED LAUGHING AND LAUGHING AND LAUGHING. I STOOD UP, SEEING ALL THE FACES CACLKING AROUND ME, COMING IN CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I JUST SCREAM AS PEOPLE LAUGH EVEN HARDER AND I RUN OUTSIDE AND SEE THAT CALEB'S GONE AND CALEB HAD TO'VE STOOD UP OUTSIDE THE CLUB AND DUSTED HIMSELF OFF AND RUN BUT CALEB I'M GOING TO FIND YOU AND I'M GOING TO END THIS YOU WELCOME-HOME-PARTY-PORRIDGE'S-REGARD-AND-GENERAL-GOOD-FORTUNE-RECEIVING FOOGLE BOY, AND NONE OF YOU ARE EVEN GOING TO COME CLOSE TO STOPPING ME, YOU UNRATED BLOG-FOLLOWING FUCKS. GODDAMIT.

-HATE SETH MURFIE

DAIRY - [Feb. 13—time unknown]

I WAS STORMING ALONG WHEN I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO STOP AT THE QUALITY DAIRY WHERE I REALLY HOPED IT WOULD BE OCCUPIED BY THE SAINT-LIKE AND UNACCOSTABLE BOWLBOY BARRY. SO I RAN INTO THE STORE, SNOW AND ICE STILL DRIPPING ALL OVER ME AS I SAW THE ROWS AND ROWS OF LIQUOR BOTTLES AND WONDERED IF I SHOULD JUST BUY ALL THE BOTTLES OF LIQUOR I COULD FIND, MAYBE IF I DRINK MORE I'LL BE LIKE CALEB AND THEN THINGS WILL BE THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK IT, IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE IF I JUST DRINK NOTHING I'LL FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME BUT NOW I STAND THERE, LOOKING AROUND BITTERLY AT THE SHELVES AS SOME CUSTOMERS START TO BE ALL WEIRD AND BACK AWAY AND I HEAR ONE WHISPERING ABOUT THE BRUISES UNDER MY EYES BUT I JUST CONTINUE TO FROWN AND GROWL AND DARKEN AND I SWIPE A BOTTLE OF VODKA OFF OF THE SHELF AND MARCH UP TO THE REGISTER AND SLAM IT ON THE COUNTER TO ASK HOW MUCH IT IS WHEN THE CASHIER SAYS

"a bOtTLe oF vOdKa iS gOnNa—~ohHHHh~—GivE mE a rOd-kA~"

I SPRING UP THEN, AND SEE IT'S BARRY! "BARRY!" I SAY, LEANING IN DESPERATELY. "I HAD NO CLUE YOU WERE WORKING HERE, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?!"

"a dOLLaR-fiVe wiLL—~gURrRRRpp~—kEEp mE aLiVe~"

"BARRY." I GRAB HIS SHIRT COLLAR, TRYING TO HONE IN HIS FOCUS. "THE WITCH AND MY BROTHER THEY'RE—I-I DON'T KNOW BUT THEY'RE—"

"a bUcK-aNd-a-hALf WiLL—~gOoOOpp~—gEt Me tHe bAtH~"

"BARRY, LISTEN! I THINK I HAVE A PLAN." OTHER CUSTOMERS START LIKE STARING, AND IN THE REFLECTION OF BARRY'S EYES I CAN SEE THAT MY FACE LOOKS OLD AND HAGGARD-Y. "IF WE CAN JUST START OUR, OUR OWN REALITY MAYBE WHERE CALEB AND PORRIDGE AND OTHER FUCKING ATROCITIES DON'T EXIST, I CAN FINALLY BE O-OKAY, AND WE WON'T EVER HAVE TO WASTE TIME WORRYING ABOUT ANY MORE HORROR AND FRIGHTS AND BAD DREAMS—"

"yOuR gRaNdMa wAs tHe oNLy oNe wHo LoVed yOu~"

I STOP. MY HANDS JUST LOOSEN ON HIS SHIRT COLLAR. "B—BARRY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT-IT, THIS ISN'T—"

"yOu'Re aLoNe, sEtH~"

I THROW MY HANDS UP AT THIS OUTRAGE. "WHA—YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE BARRY, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! NONE OF THIS IS TRUE, IT'S ALL JUST LIES AND—"

"rEmEMbEr tHe b A c K y a R d—"

"STOP!!" I'M COVERING MY EARS, THE STORE WINDOWS SHATTERING ALL AROUND ME. "WHATEVER, I NEVER CARED ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE DOING IN THE HOUSE WITHOUT ME, I WAS FINE IN THE BACKYARD, I DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT ANY OF THAT NONSEN—"

"Seth," SAID A MORE FAMILIAR AND NEAR VOICE.

I LOOKED ABOUT, SEEING THE NOW EMPTY SHELVES IN THE DARK CONVENIENCE STORE. "P—PORRIDGE? PORRIDGE!"

"Seth," SAID THE VOICE AGAIN. "It Is not Porridge."

"IT'S—W-WAIT, I REMEMBER YOU! I, I VANQUISHED YOU, I-I EARNED MY MARK OR WHATEVER IT WAS AND I—"

"But help Is Needed."

"B—O-OKAY FINE, I ADMIT IT!" THE QUALITY DAIRY IS GONE AND I'M STANDING NOW AT THE ICE-COVERED HILL, SHOUTING AT THE FULL FLOURESCENT MOON. "I NEED HELP, ALRIGHT?! I NEED—"

"Seth," SAID THE VOICE OF THAT PRINCESS-DREAM-BEAST. "It Is not you, who Needs help."

"WHAT?" THE WIND IS BLOWING AROUND ME AS MY SHOULDERS SLACKEN.

"It's Caleb."

I STARE. "BUT I'M THE ONE GETTING FUCKED HERE! I'M THE ONE WHO'S—I MEAN, WHAT IT'S BECAUSE HE'S UPSET ABOUT MOM NOT GIVING HIM ALL THE ATTENTION LIKE USUAL? OR IS IT BECAUSE HE WAS LYING WHEN ALL THOSE MONTHS AGO HE CLAIMED HE WAS FINE BUT—"

BUT I COULDN'T HEAR MYSELF BECAUSE THE WIND PICKED UP, STRONGER AND STRONGER AND STRONGER AND A WHIRL OF WATER AND FIRE AND COFFEE BLAZED AROUND ME AND I JUST FUCKING WENT "OOMF" WHEN SOMEONE TRIPPED OVER ME AND I WOKE UP, STILL LAYING IN THE DITCH NEAR THE ARENA. THE ICE ARENA. OH. I PASSED OUT.

THE PERSON WHO'D TRIPPED ON ME CONTINUED ON, AS I STOOD. WELL, EVEN IF CALEB "NEEDS" HELP WHY SHOULD I HELP HIM? I'M JUST A BROTHER. I'M JUST A TWENTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO'S NOW GETTING ROYALLY SCREWED BY THIS BUILDUP OF CIRCUMSTANCES AND REGARDLESS I'M GOING TO TAKE A VENTURE AT WHERE I SHOULD GO NEXT.

WELL SURE ENOUGH, WHEN I ARRIVE AT THE SENIOR-CITIZENS-HOME- TURNED-BAR, I SEE CALEB, STANDING THERE RUBBING HIS HAND OVER HIS FACE AND STARING AT HIS PHONE AND I JUST STAND UP AND SAY "SIR."

HE LOOKS UP AT ME. "oh god." CALEB SIGHS AND PUTS HIS PHONE AWAY. "dude, what do you want? i'm pretty fucking frustrated right now if you haven't noticed. there's bad news because—"

AND BEFORE HE CAN CONTINUE A BUNCH OF BAR PATRONS AROUND US MAKE AN OOOOOHH NOISE AND JUST IMMEDIATELY WHIRL US ONTO STAGE AND SAY THAT THEY LOVE SIBLING FIGHTS PLUS THEY ASK US TO DUKE IT OUT VERBALLY IN FRONT OF KAREOKE-CUM-KARATE MACHINES. WELL CALEB NODS, DOING A SNORT OF SOMETHING OFF HIS SHIRT COLLAR BEFORE I GRAB MY MIC AND OPEN MY MOUTH, AND SAY "FIRST OFF—"

-SETH

DARKNESS - [Feb. 13, 9:06 p.m.]

IN THE DARK IT'S NOT REALLY EASY TO SEE.

BUT, I SUDDENLY FELT SOMETHING OCCUR. I HEARD PORRIDGE SPEAK,

"Seth."

I JUMPED. HAD SHE SEEN ME?

"I'M NOT EVEN HERE RIGHT NOW" I SAID SHAKING MY THIGHS. CLASSIC EVASION STRAT.

"Seth." DAMMIT! "I—I didn't know you were brothers. Honestly, I didn't!"

"SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE" I SAID, SPEAKING TO THE HOCKEY SCOREBOARD FOR ALL I COULD SEE.

"Seth..." I COULD TELL THAT SHE WAS HALF UP THE STANDS BY THE SOUND OF HER UNFORGETTABLE VOICE, BUT SHE WASN'T MOVING CLOSER. "I'm—there's a lot I'm running away from right now. And—yeah. It's gonna bite me in the butt."

THIS WAS FAR FROM INTERESTING. I BEGAN LEAVING.

"But—okay, honest question." SHE STOOD THERE FOR A SECOND, THE RADIATOR HUMMING BENEATH US. THEN SHE SAID: "Do you—not remember me?" SHE SAID THE LAST WORD WITH A WEIRD SORT OF CHUCKLE-SLASH-CRACK.

WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE EVEN SPEAKING ABOUT? REMEMBER HER? "OBVIOUSLY I REMEMBER SEEING YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME AT BUBBLE TEA ISLAND, WHERE YOU THEN BESTOWED ME WITH THAT WRETCHED—I MEAN IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, BUT—ALRIGHT, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, PORRIDGE! CALEB. I'M GOING TO FIND CALEB!"

"Oh. He um, he texted me. He wants to meet—"

"GREAT."

THERE WAS SILENCE.

I BEGAN TO EXIT, FUMING FROM ALL THIS FUCKING NONSENSE HAPPENING AROUND ME ALL THE TIME AND HONESTLY I WOULD'VE TALKED TO CALEB BUT HE'S THE PROBLEM, AND MAYBE I WOULD'VE TALKED TO MY MOM BUT SHE'S NEVER BEEN FREE TO TALK TO ME, IT'S ALWAYS HOW SHE'D RATHER TALK TO CALEB OR SPEND TIME WITH CALEB OR LOVE CALEB BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WHATEVER AND MY GRANDMOTHER'S NOT ALIVE AND BARRY'S UNFINDABLE PLUS—

"Only time tells where I'm going."

WHAT? WAS PORRIDGE SAYING SOMETHING?

"My world's not really one worth knowing."

WHAT WAS THIS? HUH?!

"Even bento boxes don't settle me down," SHE WENT ON. "Get out and get wise before we drown. Let's stop being cheesy 'cause I'm really just fine," SHE SAID WITH ANOTHER ODD CRACK IN HER VOICE. "Entertained by Caleb and Seth for a time."

THERE WAS NOTHING THAT HAPPENED FOR A BIT. I STARED IN THE DARK. WHAT WAS PORRIDGE—

BUT BEFORE I COULD THINK THINGS FURTHER, I HEARD A FAMILIAR GROWL BEHIND ME AND YEAH SURE ENOUGH IT WAS THE FORMER COFFEE ROYALE MANAGER WHO NOW POST-HASTE THREW ME SIDELONG INTO A DITCH. AFTER WIPING THE ICE CUBES OFF MY BRA (I HAD LEARNED FROM BARRY THAT BRAS ARE FOREVER REQUIRED IN ICE SKATING FRENZIES) I STOOD UP AND KICKED THE SNOW BEFORE FALLING FLAT ON MY BACK. I STARTED STORMING HOME, MUTTERING "BY CALEB" REPEATEDLY.

-SETH FUCKING MURFIE

ICE RINK BLUNDER-UP - [Feb. 13, 9:03 p.m.]

WHAT. WHAT ON UNPLANTABLE EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? CALEB HAS BECOME INTERESTING, TO SAY THE VERY LEAST, AND MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNFORTUNATE, TO SAY THE VERY LEASTER. HONESTLY CALEB NEEDS TO BE GROUND IN A BATCH CARTON OF HOGS SO HE'LL HAVE A GRANDILOQUENT BALL WITH HIS VERY OWN KIND, THAT'S RIGHT CALEB IS A CARTON, ALSO THE ONLY THING FILLING HIS JUG IS MY PURE UNHEATED RAGE, OKAY SO I'M SIMPLY CONTINUING TO FOLLOW THE TERRIBLE PAIR, AND TONIGHT I SAW THEM AT THE ICE RINK WHERE THEY WERE HAVING SOME KIND OF EVENT FOR OPEN SKATERS, WELL ALRIGHT I'M THE OPENEST SKATER THERE IS SO I JUST THREW ON MY SHOE SKATES AND WALTZED RIGHT ON OVER TO THE PATCH OF ICE, AND THIS TURNED OUT TO BE EASY AS LAW SINCE ALL IT TOOK TO MAINTAIN BALANCE ON THE GLISTENING FREEZE WAS A MOVE OF TWISTING MY ANKLES INWARD SO THAT NO FORCE, MAN OR MOUSE, COULD KNOCK OVER MY INCREDIBLE MURFIE CALVES. WELL FROM ACROSS THE ACTUALLY PRETTY WELL HEATED RINK I COULD JUST BARELY SEE THE TERRIBLE DUO SLIDING ALL OVER THE ICE WHILE PORRIDGE SORT OF HOBBLED FORWARD AND CALEB SKATED UPON HIS KNEES, YES HE HAD ATTACHED THE SKATES TO HIS KNEECAPS AND WAS NOW SKATING ALONG WHILE BABBLING ONTO HIS PHONE PROBABLY ABOUT SOME PERSON HE WAS NEAR TO BETRAY, ANYWAY BEFORE I COULD PULL OUT MY PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN PLASTIC TELESCOPE I SAW SOMETHING WITH UTTER FLAW. CALEB WAS RISING TO HIS FEET AND BEGINNING TO SKATE WITH UTTER EASE, AS IF PORRIDGE'S PRESENCE GAVE HIM SOME KIND OF CONFIDENCE, WELL I COULD MATCH HIM TIT-FOR-TAT BY ANKLE-BREAKING MY WAY INTO A FIGURE-EIGHT AND LETTING MY ASS SLIDE UPON THE RAILING WITH INCREDIBLE GRACE, AND AS ICE STARTED SPURTING OUT FROM MY SKATES I COULD HEAR CALEB:

"heh heh, not so hard."

"Um—"

"pretty easy in fact."

"Wha—"

"ALRIGHT CALEB YOU UNCOPYRIGHTED CRAT, THAT'S MY FINAL FORM." HE HAD BEGUN INFURIATINGLY SNORTING LINES OF COKE OFF THE ICE AS IF THIS WERE APPROPRIATE TO DO AT AN OPEN SKATE FOR CHILDREN. "CALEB YOU HOG THERE'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TO SHARE SO THE CHILDREN MIGHT FEEL UTTERLY EXCLUDED."

"Seth!" SAID PORRIDGE, PUTTING HER HANDS UP. "How do you keep—"

"hey bro, we're just trying to skate! we're just trying to skate!" CALEB WAS HOLDING HIS HANDS UP DEFENSIVELY, LOOKING LIKE A POOR EXCUSE FOR A CUNT.

"I WILL UNDERLIE YOU YOU OVERSHADOWING FRAUD!" AND I HURLED MYSELF FORWARD, SENDING THE OTHER SKATERS INTO A YAHHHH!

"alright, buddy, you know what, this is isn't about you, anymore, okay?! i'm gonna—" BUT SUDDENLY HIS PHONE RANG. CALEB STOPPED MID- SENTENCE, AND, STILL SLIDING FORWARD NOW AT A RAPIDLY DECREASING SPEED, HE ANSWERED. "hold on. hello?"

"OH RIGHT YES OF COURSE EVEN WITH THE WITCH YOU CAN'T WAIT ON ONE SINGLE PHONE CALL OH AND NOW YOU'RE PRETENDING TO LOOK ANGRY AT WHATEVER'S BEING SPOKEN TO YOU OVER THE TELEPHONE, OH OUTSTANDING MY BOY NOW YOU'RE LOOKING DETRIMENTALLY WORRIED. OH AND NOW YOU'RE—CALEB?"

ONE OF CALEB'S HANDS HAD GRIPPED UPON THE RAILING, AND THE WHOLE TIME PORRIDGE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RINK HOLDING THE RAILING WITH THE ONE GLOVED HAND. CALEB WAS STARTING TO SQUIRM.

"what? what?!" CALEB'S VOICE WAS BEGINNING TO SOUND FRIGHTENED. "wait wait wait, he has to he has to, i can't actually come down there—who cares if the company doesn't have a name, that's not a—but i know—wait, hey, buddy, wait!" AND IT SEEMED LIKE SOMEONE HUNG UP ON HIM, BECAUSE ON THE NOW EMPTY RINK CALEB JUST CONTINUED GLIDING FORWARD, HIS ONE ARM NOW HANGING LOOSELY AT HIS SIDE WHILE THE OTHER APPEDNAGE HELD UP THE PHONE IN A UNORTHODOX KIND OF LIMP.

SUDDENLY WE HEARD A CLANK, AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS LIKELY AN EMPLOYEE COMING TO KICK US OUT THOUGH AT LEAST CALEB WOULD GET KICKED OUT AS WELL SINCE HE'D CAUSED EQUAL AMOUNTS OF PROBLEMS AS I HAD, AND YET WHEN I TURNED AROUND I FOUND MYSELF SEEING THAT THE EMPLOYEE WAS NONE OTHER THAN THE COFFEE ROYALE MANGER, WHO QUICKLY EXPLAINED THAT MY DOUBLE- COUNT HIJINKS'D MADE THE OWNER FIRE HIM SO NOW HE HAD THIS DEGRADING WORK AND THAT I WAS IN FOR A ICE SKATING GRATING, WELL WOULND'T YOU KNOW IT CALEB GOT TO FUCKING STAY AND I WAS POUNDED INTO A BLOODY GULP, PLUS AFTER THE MANAGER-TURNED-EMPLOYEE'D STOMPED OFF AND TOLD ME TO STAY AWAY FROM THE ICE, I PUT A WEAK TREMBLING HAND ON THE PLASTIC CHAIR AT THE UPPER EDGE OF THE STANDS, AND LOOKED DOWN ONTO THE RINK. I SAW PORRIDGE SKATING ON OVER TO CALEB, WHO STILL LOOKED FURIOUS. CALEB NEARLY WHACKED HER AS HE TURNED AROUND IN A TWINGE, BUT SHE BACKED UP AND CALEB SKATED A LITTLE CLOSER AND STARTED SAYING SOMETHING AND I COULDN'T QUITE MAKE OUT WHAT IT WAS. HE TALKED FOR AGES AD NAUSEUM AND I THOUGHT I DID CATCH SOMETHING ABOUT ANTARCTICA BUT EITHERWAY PORRIDGE SUDDENLY HAD A LOOK BETWEEN PAIN AND FEAR. PORRIDGE RAISED A COIN-TIPPED-FINGER TO PROBABLY ASK A QUERY, BUT CALEB THEN LEAPT OFF THE ICE AND STROLLED AWAY.

I WATCHED AS PORRIDGE SKATED OVER TO THE CENTER OF THE RINK AND, THINKING HERSELF ALONE, PUT HER HANDS IN HER HAIR AND MUTTER SOMETHING. WELL I HAD SUCCESSFULLY READ HER LIPS BEFORE BACK AT THE PLANETARIUM MONTHS AGO, SO I THINK I COULD DO IT SECONDLY THEREFORE I CONCENTRATED ON THE MOVEMENT OF HER MOUTH AND REALLY IT LOOKED AS IF SHE SAID, I'm making Emma Stack—

—HER EYES WIDE AND TIRED AND HER HANDS CRUNCHING HER HAIR TIGHTLY AS SHE SAID IT. WELL I DON'T KNOW WHO EMMA STACK IS BUT BEFORE I COULD THINK MUCH FURTHER THE LIGHTS IN THE RINK WENT BLACK AND IT WAS TOTALLY DARK.

-SETH MURFIE

HOW - [Feb. 11]

SO THINGS ARE STILL NOT EXACTLY GREAT BUT AT LEAST I CAN HAVE REASON TO UTTERLY DESPISE CALEB MURFIE ONCE AGAIN, FUCK WE'D BEEN GETTING ALONG SO FUCKING SPLENDIDLY, WHY DID HE HAVE TO CRUCK IT UP BY GETTING ILLEGALLY INVOLVED WITH A NO-HOLDS-BARRED UNVERIFIED LOCAL COUNTY WITCH. MY WITCH.

THIS IS AWFUL, SO, I TRIED TO ESCAPE THINGS BY GOING TO A LOCAL CHRISTMAS PIZZERIA BAZAAR AND JUST THINKING ABOUT IT, AND THIS BAZAAR WAS HAPPENING NEAR A TOWN SQUARE WHICH IS REALLY ODD BECAUSE IT'S PREDOMINANTLY FAR FROM HOLIDAY TIME, ALTHOUGH, OBVIOUSLY, HERE'S WHAT I OBSERVED BY THE CHRIS CRINGLE MARKET:

I WAS ROUNDING A CORNER SCRATCHING THE FEAR-AND-GLEAR-DANDRUFF OUT OF MY WELL-RUFFLED SCAB WHEN, SUDDENLY, I FOUND MYSELF HEARING AN UNMISTAKABLE VOICE:

"yeah but that's just, like, some of my business ventures. things are probably most lucrative in antarctica, but if the guy over there keeps like screwing up because, ya' know, i'm not actually there, and if things get drastic enough i guess i would have to—"

SUDDENLY I FAILED TO HEAR THE REST BECAUSE HONESTLY THERE WAS THE SOUND OF MY OWN GROWL. THE PERSON SPEAKING MUST'VE BEEN CALEB, THE CLOG. FUCK HIM.

"That's, um, impressive."

WAIT.

"yeah, well, anyway. this actually is one of my favorite spots."

NO.

"It's nice."

THE PERSON CALEB WAS TALKING TO HAD TO BE—OH FUCK.

"oh, oh." THE VOICE THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY CALEB'S CHUCKLED UNCOMFORTABLY. "you gotta try these, here."

"Heh, alright," SAID THE VOICE THAT WAS CLEARLY PORRIDGE'S. UM—THEY WERE ALREADY HAVING A MEET-UP. A MEET-UP. HOW.

"oh uh—hey. you got a little bbq sauce on your mouth. here uh, let me get it."

ALRIGHT THE LATEST MISSION BECAME TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE NOW, SO WHILE GRABBING SOME CAROL-KEBABS FROM A NEARBY VENDING BOOTH THE VENDOR BEGAN HOLLERING AT ME BUT I NEEDED THE BEST OUTFIT HANDS CAN PRY SO THEN BEFORE I KNEW IT I WAS COVERED HEAD-TO-TOE IN KEBAB-BITS WHILE TRYING TO SHUFFLE AWAY WHEN A VOICE RANG:

"Seth?"

I LOOKED UP, BETWEEN THE POUNDS OF ROSEMARY SPICE RAGU TICKLING MY BREAD. WELL I SAW PORRIDGE, JUST LOOKING AT ME, AND LOOKING A LITTLE BIT RED. HAD CALEB BEEN APPLYING ROUGE? WELL THIS WAS SIMPLY THE ULITMATE INSULT, AND I BASICALLY WENT INTO WWE FINAL-FOUR CLACKDOWN BEFORE CALEB'S REAR JUST DODGED MY FLAILING HAND AND SO I FELL INTO A RECEPTACLE OF KEBAB STICKS.

"b-buddy!" SAID CALEB. EVEN WITH HIS AVIATORS ON, I COULD TELL HE WOULDN'T LOOK AT ME. GOOD.

"Wait!" I COULD HEAR PORRIDGE SHIFTING. "Do you two know each other?"

"um, well—"

"WE'RE BROTHERS" I SAID WITH A TONE.

"What?" OVER STICKS I COULD SEE PORRIDGE PUTTING HER HANDS—THE LEFT ONE WAS STILL GLOVED, NOTABLY—OVER HER MOUTH. SHE SOUNDED STUNNED. "But Caleb, um... you're white, and Seth's—"

"adopted" CALEB CONTRIBUTED WITH A VOICE OF PITY THAT DROVE ME FUCKING INSANE.

"AND CALEB ISN'T" I FINISHED, DISDAINING TO SPEAK UPON THE SUBJECT, BUT ANYWAY I STOOD RIGHT THEN AND BRUSHED THE KEBAB STICKS OFF OF ME, SOMETHING NOT EFFECTIVE CONSIDERING THE VARIOUS KERPLUNK! CYLINDERS I'D SCOTCH-TAPED AROUND MY RIBS IN ORDER TO PROPERLY GRIEVE. SO THE TWO STARED AT ME FOR A BIT, UNTIL I JUST SAID "GOOD DAY" AND TOOK MYSELF AWAY. WHO NEEDS CALEB GETTING EXPLICIT ABOUT THE MINOR DIFFERENCES BETWEEN OUR STATUSES IN A HOUSEHOLD ANYWAY, WHY DOES PORRIDGE HAVE TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT? WELL ANYWAY BEFORE LEAVING, I TURNED AROUND, AND SAID "MY BOY LET IT BE KNOWN THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE ONLY ONE PORRIDGE'S LIPS MADE CONTACT WITH AT THE BALL."

CALEB'S HEAD JERKED FORTH IN SHOCK, WHILE I LEFT, FEELING SATISFIED ALTHOUGH I WOULD SAY MORE THAN REALLY SATISFIED, I'D MORE SAY SAD.

WELL AFTER HIDING BEHIND ANOTHER BOOTH TO PRIVATELY LISTEN IN ON THE REST OF THEIR LITTLE "DATE", I HEARD PORRIDGE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE WOW DOESN'T IT SEEM IMPOSSIBLE THAT CALEB COULD RUN SUCH A VARIETY OF BUSINESSES WHILE HE WAS JUST BARELY FREE FROM HIGH SCHOOL BONDAGE. I HEARD CALEB ANSWER:

"when you're with caleb murfie, nothing's impossible."

OR OUT OF REACH.

-"LOVE" SETH “GETTING-REARED” MURFIE

BETRAYAL - [Feb. 10, 1:07 a.m.]

CALEB MURFIE I WILL FUCKING END YOU. I. WILL—

FUCK. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT CALEB.

ALRIGHT. HERE'S WHAT OCCURRED.

BEFORE ME AND CALEB HEADED OUT TO THE MASQUERADE CRAWL, I JUST HAD TO FIND HIM BECAUSE HE'D TOLD ME TO MEET UP BY THE FRONT DOOR AT A CERTAIN TIME. WELL HE ENDS UP BEING NOWHERE TO BE FOUND, SO I CALL HIS NAME AND DECIDE TO PUT MY COAT ON, MY MASQUERADE MASK SITTING SAFELY WITHIN THE POCKET IN MY COAT READY FOR USE, AND I WANDER ABOUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

"CALEB?" I LOOK THIS WAY AND THAT, BARELY DETECTING A THING AMONG THE DARK HOUSES AND MOON-COVERED FROST. "CALEB! CALEB WHERE ARE—"

SUDDENLY I CEASE UPON APPROACHING A FIELD. I HEAR AN ODD NOISE. IN THE DISTANCE THERE'S SOME LARGE HILL THAT CHILDREN USE FOR SLEDDING ON OCCASION, BUT IT'S BARE AT THE MOMENT, EXCEPT FOR ICE AND SNOW. ALSO IN ADDITION THERE'S SOME KIND OF WEIRD MOUND IN THE MIDDLE. PLUS MY EYES DRAG A LITTLE TO THE RIGHT, TO FIND CALEB, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE HILL, DRESSED IN FULL BALL REGALIA, AND JUST HOWLING UP AT IT. SCREAMING. MAKING NOISE LIKE WHAT A DOG WOULD MAKE, BUT MORE PAINED. SOUNDING JUST INFURIATED. HE'S HOWLING AND HOWLING, ARMS STRETCHED BACK, ONE FOOT PLANTED FIRMLY IN DIRT AND SOUNDING LIKE HE'S TRYING TO HOWL ABOVE THE INCREASINGLY FREEZING WIND.

IT DOESN'T STOP UNTIL I RUN UP TO HIM: "CALEB! MY BOY WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT'S MASSIVELY DISTURBING YOU?" I GESTURE TOWARD THE HILL WHEN CALEB TURNS, AVIATORS NEARLY SLIPPING OFF FOR A JIFF BEFORE HE SEES ME AND GRINS. "seth, ready to go! come on let's head out!" AND HE PUSHES FORWARD, ACTING LIKE HE'S BEEN WAITING FOR ME. "come on come on let's hurry, ha-ha, bro we gotta hit this thing up and meet some ladies" AND HE'S PUSHING ME FORWARD AS HE USES THE OTHER HAND TO STRAIGHTEN HIS SUIT COLLAR. IT'S AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. AND I GUESS, NOTHING HAD.

SO BEFORE I KNOW IT WE HEAD INTO WHAT I RECOGNIZE AS ESSENTIALLY A DIMLY LIT CAFETERIA THAT'S BEEN REPURPOSED WITH STREAMERS AND, IN THE CENTER, THERE HANGS AN UTTERLY HORRIFYING GIGANTIC PAPER MACHÉ MASK WITH CREPE PAPER EYES THAT STARED AT EVERYONE DULLY, AND OUT OF THE MOUTH THERE WAS SOME KIND OF SPECIAL FOUNTAIN ATTACHED SO THAT IT WAS JUST DROOLING RAW HAMBURGER MEAT ON ANYONE WHO DARED TO STEP UNDERNEATH. TO COPE WITH THE HORROR-RAMA OF ATTENDING PARTIES WITH A CERTAIN CALEB, I'D BROUGHT ALONG SOME BOWLING PINS WHICH I GOT BUSY DECORATING WITH ANCIENT ANIMALISTIC CALLIGRAPHY AS WE WALKED THROUGH THE SEA OF MASKS. I SUDDENLY WISHED THAT PORRIDGE WAS HERE AS SHE WOULD SEE THE KRATAGANA THAT I'VE INCORPORATED INTO MY BOWLING PIN CALLIGRAPHY AND WHICH I'VE BEEN LEARNING IN ORDER TO I WOULDN'T SAY IMPRESS HER BUT YEAH CERTAINLY TO MAKE HER LIKE ME. ANYWAY THE HAMBURGER MASK WAS REALLY STARTING TO GIVE ME A THRILL WHEN CALEB BUMPED INTO ME AND MADE ME FORCE A MISTAKE ONTO MY BOWLING PIN! "CALEB!" I SAID, AND TURNED TO HIM.

"sorry, dude, jeez. wait—seth?"

"YES OBVIOUSLY WHO ELSE COULD IT BE."

"oh dude sorry. i straight-up didn't recognize you."

ALRIGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS HE HADN'T REALLY LOOKED AT ME THEN, OR NOTICED ME AS WE ENTERED BECAUSE I'D ALREADY TAKEN THE MASK OUT OF MY POCKET AND PUT IT UP UPON MY FACE, BUT CALEB WAS SO TIRELESSLY DISTRACTED.

"ALRIGHT WELL YOU SAID I HAD TO WEAR A MASK FOR A MASQUERADE BALL."

"well mission accomplished, dude. you're kinda unrecognizable. nice."

HE PATTED ME ON THE BACK BEFORE WALKING AWAY AND I SUPPOSE THIS WAS A COMPLIMENT THOUGH REALLY I WASN'T SURE AT ALL BUT ALL THOUGHTS CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT AS MORE AND MORE PEOPLE STARTED CROWDING ALL OVER INTO THE PLACE, PEOPLE MOVING THIS WAY AND THAT AND SHOVING ME LEFT AND RIGHT.

"AH! 'SCUSE ME. 'SCUSE ME. APOLOGIES." I WAS TRYING TO KEEP HOLD ON THE BOWLING-PIN CALLIGRAPHY WHILE ELBOWS WERE JUST BEING BUMPED ALL OVER. "'SCU—OW. 'SCU—GEE! 'SCUSE ME, 'SCUSE—SCUSE ME!" THIS WAS BECOMING ABSURD. "WHY IS EVERYONE—"

AND SUDDENLY I FOUND MYSELF FILLING WITH STRANGE FLUIDS AND I THOUGHT MY ASS WAS ABOUT TO RAPTURE BUT REALLY THE REALITY WAS THAT PEOPLE HAD MADE A CIRCLE AROUND—A WOMAN.

WELL—WELL SHE JUST STOOD THERE, HOLDING UP AN UMBRELLA THAT HAD SHARDS OF GLASS ALL OVER IT, AND EXTENDING FROM BELOW THE 'BRELLA WERE THESE LONG DARK BLUE SLEVELETS WHICH COVERED UP HER FOREARM-TO-FINGERTIP ON BOTH ARMS. THEY WERE LIKE SLEEVES THAT SHE'D ATTACHED TO THE UMBRELLA'S HANDLE. THEN SOMETHING UNMENTIONABLY BIZARRE HAPPENED.

I JUST FELT A WAVE OF ALL OF MY MEMORIES FROM THE PAST COUPLE YEARS JUST FUCKING WASH OVER AND UNDER MY BRAIN. I THOUGHT OF NEARLY GETTING ARRESTED BY THE BOLWING ALLEY IN OUR TOWN; I THOUGHT OF BEING TACKILY FUCKED ASSWISE BY CALEB'S DEARLY DEPARTED DOG; I THOUGHT OF CHATTING ON THAT SITE OMEGLE, WHERE YOU CHAT WITH ANONYMOUS STRANGERS WHO HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS AS YOU, AND TELLING SOME OMEGLE STRANGER ABOUT MY GRANDMA AND HOW'D SHE GIVEN ME A KEYCHAIN AND THEN TAUGHT ME THE PIN-CALLIGRAPHY I WAS DOING RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT, AND ALSO TELLING THE STRANGER HOW MUCH MY GRANDMA HAD BASICALLY MEANT; I THOUGHT OF WATCHING AIRPLANES; I THOUGHT OF BARRY; I THOUGHT OF GOING TO CALEB'S DOG FESTIVAL; AND I THOUGHT OF ORANGE PEELS AND COFFEE SHOPS AND PLANETARIUMS AND TALENT SHOWS AND IN ALL OF IT IT JUST SEEMED THAT THESE LAST TWO YEARS WERE PUSHING ME AND PRODDING THE END OF A SWORD INTO MY BACK AND GETTING ME TO WALK THE PLANK TO JUMP OVERBOARD INTO THIS PARTICULAR, EXPECTING MOMENT.

WELL I JUST KEPT STANDING THERE. I MEAN IT WAS DARK, AND NOT EXACTLY EASY TO SEE THIS WOMAN ESPECIALLY UNDER THE MERCIFUL 'BRELLA, BUT I COULD TELL THAT SHE WORE SOME KIND OF BLUE MASK WITH LONG BLACK STRIPES.

WELL I WAS SURE THIS WAS NO ONE I KNEW. SHE WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL.

“ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ. ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ. ᴇᴇ-ᴇᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ.”

I TURNED. WHAT WAS THAT?

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇᴇᴇɴɪᴇ."

WHAT THE—

YET BEFORE I COULD INVESTIGATE I NOTICED THAT THE WOMAN WAS STILL STANDING THERE, SILENT, PLUS I REALIZED THAT THE REASON PEOPLE WERE GATHERED OVER AND AROUND HER WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS STANDING RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE GIANT MACHÉ MASK! AND NO ONE, IT BECAME CLEAR, WAS TELLING HER BECAUSE THEY WERE SO AMUSED AT WATCHING THE RAW BURGER MEAT DROOP ALL OVER HER UMBRELA OF SHARDS. WELL THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD NORMALLY THRILL ME TO THE CORE BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE LYING WITHIN MY DEEP VENTRICLE, I GOT THIS INSTINCT THAT SHE WOULD NOT LIKE IT. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I WAS STILL WORKING ON MY BOWLING-PIN CALLIGRAPHY WHEN I JUST TUCKED THE PIN UNDER MY RIGHT ARM, WHERE IT STUCK OUT WITH THE CALLIGRAPHY STILL SOMEWHAT NOTICEABLE, AND—I DON’T KNOW—I WALKED UP TO THIS WOMAN.

“ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ.”

WHAT THE FUCK I STILL HADN'T FIGURED OUT WHO WAS SAYING THAT, BUT SUDDENLY MY HEAD BUMPED INTO SOMETHING, AND IT WAS THE LITTLE UMBRELLA. I STOPPED, SWAYING A BIT IN THE DARKNESS AND LOOKING UPWARD. PEOPLE WERE STIFLING GIGGLES, CLEARLY WANTING THE MEAT-FEST TO GO UNABASHEDLY ON, BUT I TOOK IN A SILENT BREATH, AND REACHED OUT MY LEFT HAND TO GENTLY TOUCH THE WOMAN'S SHOULDER. SHE OF COURSE FLICKED HER HEAD AND CLENCHED HER MUSCLES FOR A SECOND, BUT THEN RELAXED AFTER LOOKING SLIGHTLY DOWNWARD AND TO HER LEFT, STILL ON ME.

CLEARLY I WASN'T SURE HOW THIS SHOULD UNANIMOUSLY PROCEED. I JUST STAMPED MY FOOT GENTLY FOR A SEC AND SORT OF PULLED HER AWAY BY THE ARM. SHE FOLLOWED, THOUGH WAS STILL LOOKING AT ME—AT LEAST I THINK. HER EYES WERE INDEFINITELY OBSCURED.

I SILENTLY BREATHED IN AGAIN, AND, ONE HAND STILL ON HER FOREARM, USED THE OTHER TO MAKE A POINTING KIND OF MOTION UP.

SHE LOOKED ABOVE, THEN TURNED BEHIND HER, COMING OUT OF MY GRASP IN THE PROCESS. WELL THE WOMAN'S BLUE MASK TITLED BACK AS SHE SAW THE HAMBURGER MEAT DRIPPING LAVISLHY ALL OVER THE GROUND, AND IT TOOK HER A SECOND BUT SUDDENLY SHE JUMPED A BIT UPON EXAMINING HER UMBRELLA. HER HEAD TURNED BACK TO ME, AND SHE POINTED TO THE 'BRELLA, THEN POINTED TO THE HAMBURGER FOUNTAIN, AND I NODDED, CONFIRMING THE WORST.

SHE LOOKED THEN HEAD ON AT ME. THEN SHE LOOKED AGAIN DOWN AND SLIGHTLY TO HER LEFT, STILL ON ME. THEN SHE LOOKED UP AGAIN, STEPPED FORWARD, PUT A HAND ON MY NECK AND KISSED ME.

“ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇɴɪᴇᴇᴇ.”

THE BOWLING PIN JUST DROPPED FROM UNDER MY RIGHT ARM BUT ACTUALLY DIDN'T 'CAUSE I CAUGHT IT, AND BEFORE ANY KIND OF THOUGHT COULD FORM IN MY HEAD AT WHAT THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING, MY LIPS WERE YANKED BACKWARD, AWAY FROM HERS AND MY ENTIRE BODY JUST GOT PULLED BY A MASS OF ARMS, AND I REACHED OUT A HAND TOWARD THE WOMAN BUT BEFORE I KNEW IT SHE WAS SWALLOWED AGAIN UP IN THE SEA OF MASKS. "H-HEY!" I SAID, BUT WAS DROWNED OUT BY ALL THE GUYS PULLING ME CHANTING “EENIE-EENIE-EEEEEENIE, WE FOUND OUR LITTLE WEEEEENIE!” AND I WRESTED MYSELF JUST FREE AND DEMANDED TO KNOW WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING BEFORE THE GUYS EXPLAINED THEY WERE A LOCAL GANG CALLED THE EENIE BOYS WHO JUST LOVE TO RUIN ROMANTIC SCENES, WELL AS SOMEONE WHO CAN APPRECIATE A GREAT GANG I SAID THAT THAT WAS FINE AND DANDY, AND THAT I RESPECTED THEIR GLORIOUS OUTREACH ALTHOUGH AFTER THEY WALKED OFF I TURNED THIS WAY AND THAT, TRYING NOW TO FIND THE WOMAN AGAIN. "HEY! HEY!" I CONTINUED SEARCHING. "HEY—" AND I BUMPED INTO SOMEONE. "HELLO GREETINGS ARE YOU—"

"what?"

"OH." IT WAS JUST CALEB. "CALEB HAVE YOU SEEN A—"

"brother, can't talk now." HE BEGAN WALKING OFF. "i think i just found a woman who -- i mean, i think i'm in luh—" SUDDENLY HE STOPPED, LIKE HE WAS REMEMBERING SOMETHING ABOUT ME, AND HE CORRECTED HIMSELF. "i mean, i think i've found someone by whom i've been cursed."

"EXCUSE ME?" MY EYES GREW WIDE. "CALEB THIS IS HIGHLY DANGEROU—"

"no no, man." HE PATTED MY SHOULDER GENTLY. "i want to be cursed. i mean i've been, um—" HE SIGHED. "—‘cursed' before but it was by the wrong person. but this girl i saw here at the ball, she's cursed me and i like it."

"OH."

WELL ALL OF SUDDEN, I SOMEHOW JUST FELT LIKE I UNDERSTOOD.

"ALRIGHT SO WHERE IS SHE?” I SAID. “OUGHTN'T WE TO LOCATE HER BODY FOR YOUR PERUSING PLEASURE."

"i-i'll find her! you can meet up with me later, turns out i didn't need the detector after all! whoo!"

"O-OKAY. OH YES BUT CALEB LISTEN I THINK I MAY HAVE JUST HAD MY FIRST KI—"

"alright, more later dude!" AND HE WAS GONE.

WELL, I JUST SLUMPED UP AGAINST A WALL. AND I SLID DOWN TO JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR. IT WAS MY HEAD AND IT WAS JUST FUCKING REELING. HAD I JUST BEEN CURSED AS WELL? EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE SENSE, I GUESS I SUDDENLY BECAME—I FELT A TWINGE OF—GOD FUCK I DON'T KNOW—MAYBE GUILT? BECAUSE IT WASN'T PORRIDGE THAT WAS CURSING ME, IT WAS THIS WOMAN. BUT SHE DIDN'T SEEM LIKE ANY KIND OF WITCH.

THE LOUD MUSIC CONTINUED AND I JUST SAT THERE. HOW—HOW CAN I—

THE SONG SUDDENLY ENDED BEFORE THE MUSIC TRANSITIONED THEN INTO SOMETHING MUCH MORE CALM. A SERENE SORT OF ELECTRONICA CHILLBOY SONG. AND I CONTINUED SITTING THERE, SIMPLY STARING AT THE MASSES OF PEOPLE. WHILE THE SLOW, SOOTHING TUNE PLAYED, ALLOWING ME TO FIND SOME FOOTING, METAPHORICALLY OF COURSE, THOUGH EVENTUALLY ALSO LITERALLY AS I, VERY SLOWLY, PUT A HAND ON THE WALL BEHIND ME AND PRESSED MYSELF UPWARD, AS THE CALM MUSIC STILL DRONED ONWARD. AND AFTER A LONG TIME I WAS FINALLY ON MY FEET, AND IN THE CALM HYMNAL I WANDERED THISAWAY. OUTSTANDING LIGHTS SHINING THROUGH AS A THING WAS FAINTLY HEARD: “EENIE EENIE EEENIE” AND I JUST WONDERED WHAT EXACT ROMANTIC SCENE THE EENIE BOYS WERE READY TO DEVASTATE NEXT, BUT STILL HEARING THE GROWING EENIE-ING, I STRETCHED MY HAND OUTWARD TO OPEN UP A DOOR AND STEP OUT INTO THE COLD AIR. THE BOWLING PIN JUST SHOOK UNDER MY RIGHT ARM, AND I TURNED TO LOOK IN AT THE HUGE GLASS PANE WHERE THE ORANGE AND WHITE LIGHTS SPRANG INGLORIOUSLY AND I HEARD THE MUFFLED SLOW TUNE AND THE EENIE BOY CHANTS. WELL I LOOKED ABOUT, SAYING "MAYBE THIS WILL F-F-FINALLY FIX THE SHAKING—"

I STOPPED. WHAT.

I SAW. I—I SAW CALEB. AND I SAW THIS WOMAN. THE WOMAN IN BLUE. IN BLUE AND IN BLACK. BLACK STRIPES, AND I SAW CALEB PUTTING A HAND OVER HER. HER ARM.

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ."

AND I KEPT STARING. NO.

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ, ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴇs ᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴇᴇɴɪᴇ."

CALEB WAS LEANING FORWARD. CALEB, RESTING AN ARM ON HER WAIST. AND CALEB PRESSING HIS LIPS ON HERS.

"WHAT THE—!!"

“ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ, ᴛɪᴍᴇ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇᴀɴɪᴇ!”

"C—C—”

“ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ!”

CALEB, PUTTING A HAND OVER HER MASK. CALEB, TAKING IT OFF SLOWLY. ME, DROPPING THE PIN IN THE SNOW AND GASPING INTENSELY WHEN I SEE THE EXTREMELY FAMILIAR EYES LOOK AT HIM SWEETLY.

"ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇɴɪᴇ-ᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇɴɪᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇ!!!!"

EENIE BOYS SWARM IN AS CALEB LOOKS AT THE FACE IN FRONT OF HIM AND HE RIPS OFF HIS AVIATORS AND SUDDENLY HIS EYES WIDEN AND HE STEPS BACK HORRIFIED, RECOGNIZING THE FACE OF THE INFAMOUS WITCH ONLY ONE MOMENT AFTER I DO. AND I SUDDENLY GET A BETTER LOOK OVER AT THE GLASS SHARDS ON HER UMBRELLA, AND SEE THAT THEY'RE THICK, AND CURVED. LIKE SHARDS OF A BOTTLE. HOW THE FUCK COULD I BE SO INDOLENTLY STUPID. OF FUCKING COURSE IT WAS—

“ᴇᴇɴɪᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇ!” THE EENIE BOYS GRAB CALEB AS HIS HEAD TURNS TO SUDDENLY SEE ME, HIS EYES SHOCKED AND WIDE AND LOOKING INTO MINE, AND HIM MOUTHING A "P" SOUND BEFORE HE GETS PULLED BACK.

“ᴇᴇEEEEEɴɪᴇ!”

WELL GREAT.

GREAT. AT LEAST I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL GUILT, RIGHT? HA, ISN'T THAT GREAT? NO REASON TO FEEL GUILT 'CAUSE IT'S THE SAME PERSON, ISN'T IT? PORRIDGE WAS THE UMBRELLA-WOMAN ALL ALONG. AND THIS IS SOMETHING THAT COULD ONLY REALLY LEAD TO ME FEELING PERFECLTY UPSTANDING AND GREAT AND REACTING LIKE SOMEONE WHO FEELS UTTERLY FANTASTIC, JUST COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I SCREAMED BEFORE JUST RUNNING. BOWLING PIN LEFT AS IT'S LEFT BEHIND IN THE SNOWBANK.

"s-seth!"

ALRIGHT REALLY SO IT WAS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT CALEB HAS BEEN FINE, AND HE'S ALRIGHT, AND NOTHING'S BAD AND EVERYTHING'S GREAT SETH IS GREAT CALEB IS AWESOME AND MY BROTHER IS GREAT, AND THE DOG WAS GREAT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M BEGINNING TO THINK CALEB WAS ACTUALLY FEELING A BURST OF INCREDIBLE ANGER WITHIN HIM EARLIER TONIGHT WHEN HE STOOD BEFORE THAT ICY HILL AND FUCKING HOWLED BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT EXACTLY THAT SORT OF FEELING WAS RUNNING UP THROUGH MY SOUL AS I JUST STOPPED AND FELL OVER BEFORE THE SAME ICE-COVERED HILL AND JUST FUCKING SCREAMED.

!!!!!!! - [Feb. 10, 12:15 a.m.]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! CALEB!!!!!

SATURDAY’S UPCOMING BALLINADE - [Feb. 7]

THIS MASQUERADE BALL IS ON AN ’ATURDAY AND THAT'S A RAVAGING SHAME. WISH ME HUCK.

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

THE MEET - [Feb. 5, 9:36 pm]

THINGS WERE A BIT ODD AT A COFFEE SHOP WHERE I GOT DONE MEETING WITH THE TERRIBLE-BUT-NOT-SO-AWFUL WITCH, FIRST OFF THIS MEETING WAS IN COFFEE ROYALE AND THIS WAS A TRICKY PROPOSAL TO SAY THE LEAST, AS I ENTER IN, IN DISGUISE, AND AS I SLIPPED PAST THE BELL-RUNG DOORWAY WITH MY DEMENTOR'S CLOAK DRAPING MY HEAD, IT BECAME CLEAR THAT THE MANAGER WHO HAD JUST FIRED ME WAS STILL THERE SO I HAD TO BEHAVE WITH THE UTMOST SPEED, YES THIS MEANS I ORDERED MY COFFEE AT A RATE OF EIGHTY-EIGHT WORDS PER SECOND AND ALSO DRANK IT SO FAST THAT I SPILLED ALL OVER MY ASS, BUT ANYWAY THERE'S NO REAL REASON TO WORRY AS I SIMPLY BROUGHT ALONG A CURTAIN THAT I ASKED CALEB TO BUY FOR ME SINCE HE'S GETTING SO MUCH MONEY THESE DAYS, AND I TAPED IT AROUND THE PERIMETER OF A TABLE, I SUPPOSE THAT YES IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THE COUPLE SITITNG THERE DIDN'T LIKE ME COMING IN AND FASHIONING CURTAINWEAR ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING MY DEMENTOR'S CLOAK BRUSHING UP AGAINST THEIR THIGHS, BUT THANK ABOVE THEY FINALLY LEFT PLUS WHILE I WAS STILL SITTING IN THE CURTAIN-COVE UNDER THE TABLE, I GOT A CALL ON MY CELL:

"HELLO?"

"seth—it’s caleb."

"MY BOY THERE'S LITERALLY NOT A WORSE MOMENT YOU COULD'VE PICKED BESIDES—"

"bro, just wanted to tell you that money might get a little, eh, unstable again. this guy running things in antarctica, who i've been doing deals with, he's kinda screwing up—”

THROUGH THE CURTAIN I SPIED PORRIDGE, WHO'D JUST ENTERED LOOKING AROUND CONFUSEDLY. "CALEB GOOD LUCK BUT I HAVE TO INVARIABLY DEPART."

"okay. wait! are you gonna tell me the big news you were so happy about? you're being all secretive recently—"

"BYE."

"alright, fine. but we still gotta go to that masquerade ba—"

I HUNG UP THE PHONE WHILE PORRIDGE WAS DUCKING DOWN AND SLIDING IN UNDER THE CURTAIN PLUS LOOKING WITH WIDE, CONCERNED EYES AT THE GUM (WHICH, IN MY DEFENSE, WAS ALREADY THERE) THE GUM THAT I'D PINCHED DOWN TO FORM LITTLE TINY GUM STREAMERS FLUTTERING ALONG THE TABLE'S EDGE.

"AH PORRIDGE WHAT AN INEVITABLE DAY THAT YOU WOULD FINALLY YES, ARRIVE."

"Why are we under the table? Is—is this gum—?”

"ALRIGHT CUT TO THE CHASE I THINK IT'S TIME WE BROKE OUT THE BIG GUNS AND MINCED WORDS TO DISCUSS WHY YOU'RE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WHEN IT WAS MY IMMUTABLE GROKING THAT YOU'RE TO STAY IN JAPAN UNTIL ABOUT EARLY MAY."

SHE LOOKED DOWN AT HER COFFEE. SHE WAS STILL WEARING THE COIN-TIPPED GLOVE ON ONE HAND!

"PORRIDGE DO YOU SIMPLY WEAR THAT AT BASICALLY ALL TIMES NOW.”

"Just don't—" HER VOICE GOT KIND OF JUMPY. "—worry about it." PORRIDGE SIGHED KIND OF SHAKILY AND TITLED HER HEAD DIAGONAL. "It's not so bad to see you again, Seth."

I STOPPED MID-RANT AS I'D PULLED OUT MY PIECE OF PAPER TITLED HOW TO HANDLE YOURSELF IF PORRIDGE GIVES OUT A HORRIBLE CANARD BUT, UPON HER SAYING WHAT SHE DID I SORT OF FROZE. "RIGHT" I SAID FINALLY. "WELL, I AM SETH MURFIE."

ALL OF SUDDEN PORRIDGE DID SOMETHING I DIDN'T EXPECT. SHE LAUGHED. AND LAUGHED. FIRST QUIET, THEN LOUDER. "You are that," SHE SAID, ONLY STOPPING TO SIP FROM OUT HER MUG. "So," SHE SAID, "this is weird." SHE SAID IT CHEERFULLY, LIKED SHE'D COME TO PREDICT IT.

HM. LOOKS LIKE I WOULD NEED THIS DIABOLICAL LIST AFTER ALL, BUT AFTER GETTING IT OUT I ENDED UP SIMPLY SAYING "WHERE'S THE MASK."

"Ha ha." SHE SMILED THIRDLY. "You know actually that old orange mask with white stripes was getting a little—" SHE HALF-CLOSED HER EYES IN SEARCHING FOR THE WORD, AND ROLLED HER SHOULDERS A BIT. "Old hat," SHE SAID. "I've been thinking of doing a reverse with—"

WELL YOU COULD GUESS IT WAS THE VERY MOMENT THAT INDEED THE MANAGER OF COFFEE ROYALE LIFTED UP THE TABLE FROM OVER US CAUSING A GRANDSLAM OF DELIGHT BUT REALLY A DIFFERENT EMOTION ALMOST ENTIRELY, ANYWAY AFTER RUNNING OUT OF THERE WITH A PARADE OF SHRIEKS I NOTICED I'D ACCIDENTALLY TAKEN A COIN. HM. I GUESS IN THE CONFINES, A FINGER OF HERS HAD ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED UPON MY PALM. MONEY TO SPEND.

KIDDING.

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

INVIGORATION - [Feb. 5, 4:56pm]

WELL AS I PREPARE TO GET READY FOR PORRIDGE'S MEET-A-THON I'M DABBING PITS AND POUNDS WITH SPLASHES OF CHOCOLATE BORDEAUX AND LEFT OVER MANGESIUM ALTHOUGH CALEB HAD TO COME IN WITH A SNAKE HANGING OFF HIS LEG, AND WHEN I ASKED HIM WHAT IT WAS ABOUT HE SAID HE'D HAD A DREAM WHERE A SNAKE WAS A DRUG-DEALER THAT INJECTED HIS BODY WITH WHIRLWINDS OF CRACK COCAINE, WELL LUCKILY I'M NOT CONCERNED AS CALEB HAS EXPLAINED THAT COCAINE IS JUST SUGAR MIXED WITH CAP'N CRUNCH SEA-SALT, THOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT HE SEEMS TO BE GETTING THIS SEA-SALT SUGAR ON HIS MOUTH AND CLOTHES AND AVIATORS MUCH MORE OFTEN (AND YES HE STILL NEVER EVER REMOVES THE AVIATORS), BUT I SAID CALEB STILL WHAT'S WITH THE SNAKE AND HE SAID

"oh, yeah. well i've injected the snake with cocaine and now it's wrapping itself around my like, calf, and when it bites me instead of venom it'll give me some of the coco."

I STARTED TO ASK IF THIS WAS SOMETHING I SHOULD OFFER ON A FIRST DATE WHEN HIS CELL PHONE RANG.

"yeah? hello? dude, what. yeah, i told you." HE STARTED PACING TO AND FRO IN HIS ARMANI SUIT AND GELLED HAIR, GESTURING AT THE PHONE. "the company doesn't need a name. it doesn't. it just doesn't. okay, how about caleb kicks cock industries? what? don't fucking like that?! hey how about i—" HE STOPPED, LOOKING AT ME. "what? why are you looking at me all worried? i'm just talking the way you used to talk."

SOME CHOCOLATE DRIPPED FROM MY HAIR AS I LOOKED DOWN AT THE LINOLUEM.

"anyway, just make it happen." HE HUNG UP. "this fucking guy," HE SAID, APPROACHING ME, "in antarctica, i'm doing business with him and we'll see how it works out. he seems, he seems confident enough. hopefully he can manage things so i can run it from afar, ya' know?" CALEB SUDDENLY TITLED HIS HEAD AT ME. "what are you getting all, uh, spiffied up for?"

I LOOK UP, THEN DOWN AGAIN, AND FINALLY SAY "A REUNION."

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

POETRY - [Feb. 4]

I HAVE TO SAY I’M GENUINELY SHOCKED THAT PORRIDGE AGREED TO MEET UP WITH ME, AND STILL I HAVE NO EXPLANATION AS TO WHY SHE’S NOT RESIDING IN MACARONI JAPAN, BUT THINGS COULD TAKE A TURN FOR THE GOOD WHEN WE MEET AND I GET MY ELABORATION, HOWEVER I OUGHTA MENTION THAT AS SHE WAS GETTING SOME ICE FROM THE SANDWICH COUNTER SO I COULD GET SOME ON MY WOUNDS, PORRIDGE DID ASK ME TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT THE MEET-UP PLUS, IN ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT SORT OF HOBBIES OR NEANDERTHALS SHE’S INVIGORATING THESE DAYS, SHE CHEERED UP A BIT THEN MENTIONED SHE’S INTO ACROSTIC POETRY NOW. WELL UPON HER EXPLAINING WHAT IT IS I IMMEDIATELY HOPPED, THIS IS WHEN I GRABBED A PIECE OF NAPKIN AND A PEN TO GIVE THE THING A GO MYSELF. AFTER SHOWING HER MY WORK, SHE SAID, “That’s—more like a phrase spelled vertically.” SHE SMILED A BIT AND ROLLED HER EYES. “You’re supposed to like, huh-huh, write a line next to each letter.”

I ASKED HER HOW SHE COULDN’T BE EMBRYONICALLY THRILLED WITH THE PHRASE “CRUMPY THE CLUMP” WRITTEN VERTICALLY ON A NAPKIN—SO LIKE THIS:

—BUT SHE SAID, “Well, okay, then in lowercase letters write a line next to each capital,” BUT AS SOON AS SHE MENTIONED LOWERCASE LETTERS HONESTLY MY INNER-CORTEX JUST WENT UTTERLY BLANK. THOUGH, I INSISTED THAT I THINK I PRETTY MUCH GOT IT, YET SHE SAID THAT I STILL DIDN’T HAVE IT THOUGH PORRIDGE IS, AFTER ALL, A HUM-SUCKING SLAT-MARAUDER PLUS I WOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT IT TOO MUCH, AND AFTER THE EMPLOYEE WHO’D JUST BEAT ME UP SCREAMED THAT I NEED TO EVACUATE POST-HASTE, I HIGH-TAILED IT OUT OF THAT PIT-STAIN AND ANYWAY I NEED TO EMPHASIZE THAT NONE OF THIS MATTERS TO ME, PORRIDGE’S CURSE IS PRETTY MUCH LIFTED, AND I MEAN BASICALLY, AND PORRIDGE IS STILL JUST SOME CHICK REGARDLESS, IT OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T MATTER TO ME THAT SHE’S AGREED TO HAVE COFFEE WITH ME JUST ME AND HER ONE-ON-ONE, WELL ANYWAY WHATEVER ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED SIDEPOINT I GUESS IF I HONESTLY HAD TO MAKE ONE OF THOSE ACROSTIC PROEMS EXPRESSING HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW, AND DON’T OVER-INTERPRET IT, HONESTLY I’M NOT VERY ECSTATIC, I GUESS THE POEM REPRESENTING MY FEELINGS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME WOULD PROBABLY LOOK SOMETHING, WHATEVER, LIKE THIS, NOT THAT IT’S A BIG DEAL:

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

THE MEET-UP’S BEEN ARRANGED - [Feb. 3]

OH GOD LOOKS LIKE I'M STUCK INTO GOING TO THIS LITTLE MASQUERADE PIT-PARTY THAT CALEB DISCOVERED, I CAN'T IMAGINE AN UNDENIABLY WORSE FATE BUT MEANWHILE I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THE UNACCOSTED WITCH MADE HER WAY THROUGH THE SEA AND TO THE STATES, BUT THIS ENDEAVOR WILL HAVE TO BE INTERRUPTED AS I'M FRYING TO GET THIS MAN-MADE POLYESTER BUCKET OFF MY RUMP, I DON'T THINK THEY'VE EVEN FUCKING MADE IT CLEAR IN THE WALMART SUPPLY SECTION THAT THIS TYPE OF TOOL ISN'T FOR REAR ENDS INTENDED, BUT THIS BUCKET'S ALREADY BEEN FILLED TO THE GILLS WITH MY SPECIAL BLEND OF MANICHEAN SHITERACHA YES THE INSURMOUNTABLE STRAIN BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL SPILLING OUT MY ASS IS ENOUGH TO MAKE A GROWN MAN BREAK, THOUGH LUCKILY I'M FAR FROM GROWN AS I INTEND TO GAIN ANOTHER FIVE INCHES NEXT TIME I SEE PORRIDGE AND YES, THESE FIVE INCHES SHALL PURELY BE IN HAIR AS CALEB SAID THAT WOMEN CONSTANTLY FOCUS ON HAIR AND ALSO I COMPLETELY HOPE HE MEANS BODY HAIR SINCE WITH THE GLUE AND PAINTBRUSH I'VE ACQUIRED THAT'S WHERE IT'S BEGINNING TO PILE, ALSO THANKS TO THE EFFORTS OF SWEEPING UP BARBERSHOPS UNDER THE DEAD OF NIGHT, WELL ANYWAY I WAS STILL RELATIVELY HAIR-AND-CARE-FREE WHEN I SAW PORRIDGE ONCE MORE IN LINE AT A SANDWICH COUNTER, ONE THAT SITS WITHIN THE COLLEGE LIBRARY, AND SO TOWARD HER I SAID I THINK WITH INCREDIBLE DASH:

"PORRIDGE YOU CLOCK THE TIME HAS BEEN TICK-TICK-TICKING AWAY AS I'VE ENDURED A THOUSAND GRUNTS FROM MY MOUTH TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE HERE WHEN IF I RECALL YOU HAD INDETERMINATELY LEFT."

SHE LOOKED UP, AND HER EYES WENT WIDE. "Seth."

"SETH MURFIE JUST WANTING TO UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION OF WHY YOU ARE IN THE UNITED CRATES."

SHE TURNED A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, AND THEN TO THE RIGHT BEFORE TURNING BACK TO ME. "Good to see you again." SHE SMILED AWKWARDLY, MORE BEARING HER TEETH THAN ANYTHING.

"IT'S A TRYING RUN TO ATTEMPT TO UNEARTH THE MYSTERIES OF MY OWN BEING WITHOUT HAVING TO SOLVE THE WORK-A-DAY GLOSSGORD-PUZZLE AS TO WHY YOU’RE HERE, AND ALSO HOW ARE YOUR BOTTLES PLUS MUSIC."

"Oh, well..." AT THIS POINT IT WAS APPARENT THAT PEOPLE IN LINE HAD BEEN WONDERING WHY I'D BEEN TALKING TO HER FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER WHEN I WAS DRESSED AS AN EMPLOYEE, SINCE I'D HASTILY STOLEN A UNIFORM AND LEAPT BEHIND THE CASH REGISTER UPON SPOTTING PORRIDGE, AND ALSO PEOPLE WERE PERHAPS WONDERING WHY I HADN'T ACTUALLY EMPLOYED A SINGLE FUNCTION OF A WORKER LIKE RINGING HER UP OR EVEN ASKING WHAT ANYONE WANTED, BUT BEFORE TOO MANY PEOPLE COULD BEGIN TO GROWL AND WHINE, I SAW SOMETHING ON HER HAND HOLDING HER WALLET, AND SAID

"PORRIDGE THE WITCH, WHY IS IT THAT YOU’RE STILL PRODDING THE PARTS OF THIS AND HERE WITH A COIN-TIPPED GLOVE OVER YOUR LEFTHAND HAND?"

"What?" SHE SUDDENLY FURROWED HER BROW AND LOOKED DOWNWARD.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL WEARING A COIN-TIPPED GLOVE?” HER RIGHT HAND THOUGH WAS BARE. “AND ONLY ON ONE HAND. YOU'RE NOT PERFORMING."

"Seth." SHE SUDDENLY STARTED SHIFTING HER EYES CAMPILY, AND SQUIRMING AROUND LIKE SHE'D BEEN CAUGHT IN SOME KIND OF WAY SHE HADN'T EXPECTED TO BE, THUS I WONDERED IF SHE HAD JUST NOW BEEN INFECTED WITH A KIND OF TYPHUS BUT BEFORE I COULD EXPLORE THIS MATTER WITH FURTHER EASE, THE EMPLOYEE WHO I'D RANSACKED EMERGED FROM BELOW AND TACKLED ME TO THE FLOOR, AND AS I WAS BEING STOMPED UPON PLUS GETTING MY HEAD SHOVED IN A FRUIT BOWL I SAID TO PORRIDGE

"IT WOULD BE A NOT FORTHRIGHT AWFUL ENDURANCE TO SPEAK WITH YOU MAYBE OVER A MEAL OR INTOLERABLE COFFEE SHOP. OW.”

SHE STARTED TO REACH OUT THE ONE GLOVED HAND ALMOST LIKE IN CONCERN LIKE SHE WANTED TO HELP, THEN WITHDREW IT, THEN NEARLY SMILED BUT STOPPED AND FINALLY JUST SAID, "Okay."

"PERFECT I'LL SEE YOU AT A LATER DATE" I SAID WHILE BEING THROWN INTO A CART OF BOOKS.

"O-okay."

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

WITCH IS HERE - [Feb. 2]

WE KEPT JUST STANDING THERE LIKE THAT FOR A FULL EIGHTEEN MINUTES, BUT REALLY I'D SAY EIGHTY SECONDS BECAUSE BEFORE I KNEW IT I HEARD A PHONE START TO RING, AND PORRIDGE ANSWERED HER CELL BY SAYING, "Hello?" AND I IMAGINE THAT BY THE TIME SHE LOOKED UP, I WAS ALREADY GONE.

WELL THIS IS GREAT I'M REALLY COMPLETELY PLEASED BECAUSE IT'S AN UNBELIEVABLE SURPRISE THAT PORRIDGE WOULD BE HERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WHEN I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS ON THE ISLANDS OF TERRIYAKI JAPAN. AND IN FACT I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT, I COULDN'T BE MORE ASTOUNDED AT THE IMPERTURBABLE FACT THAT PORRIDGE IS HERE WHEN OF COURSE AS EVERYONE REMEMBERS SHE LIFTED THAT CURSE WITH A FUCKING BOTTLE. I MEAN, I WOULND'T SAY IT'S "WORKED" PER SEI, BUT I'M THE FAVORITE FOUNDER OF THE BIG BOYS FOR BALLING BOAT, A SHIP WHICH DOESN'T EXIST BUT WHERE I CAN SAIL AWAY FROM ALL MY AWFUL GRIPES.

UNFORTUNATELY THIS BOAT IS CAPTAIN-FREE, AND MY LIFE IS CURRENTLY ON A TRAJECTORY FOR UPWARD SPIRAL, THAT'S RIGHT, EVEN WITH MY VARIOUS MALAPROPISMS I'M STILL AN INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL BOT, AND THE MOMENT I GRADUATE THIS YEAR I'M GOING TO BUILD ROCKET SHIPS FOR THE POOR. YES MY GENEROSITY CANNOT EVEN BE VAGUELY MATCHED, BUT AN ISSUE THAT DOESN'T STOP BOTHERING ME IS THAT THERE'S SOME KIND OF MASQUERADE BALL AND CALEB IS INTERESTED IN SEEING IF HE CAN SNEAK HIS METAL-DETECTOR-WITH-A-DOG-COLLAR INTO IT BY WAY OF MASKED DECEPTION, EVEN THOUGH I KEEP INSISTING "CALEB YOUR DETECTOR IS NOT GOING TO DANCE WITH THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WHICH BY THE WAY YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS" BUT HE CONTINUOUSLY INSISTS THAT HIS MACHINE IS A NATURAL POON-PERUSER AND SHALL RADAR HIM THE NEAREST MADÁME IN A MERE MATTER OF SNIFFS.

ANYWAY FEBRUARY HAS FINALLY BEGUN, AND I HAVE TO FIND OUT WHY PORRIDGE HAS MADE HER WAY ACROSS THE BOAT AND TO THE CAPTAIN'S CROOK. RESEARCH IS INITIATED.

ALSO I WANT TO MENTION THE OTHER DAY I SAW A STOP-MOTION SHOW WITH A PENGUIN IN IT AND I NEARLY VOMITED.

GOOD LUCK AND HAVE A BAD DAY,

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

UM WHOOPS - [Feb. 1]

I JUST WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT I'M NOT POSTING BECAUSE I HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE SOMETHING THAT WOULDN'T'VE BEEN EXPECTED HAS RECENTLY OCCURRED. AND IT STARTED AT COFFEE ROYALE.

SO I WAS STRUMMING ON MY UKELE PUTTING ON A MASS-HYSTERIA BALLS-TO-THE-WALL CYRANO-DE-SPLURGERAC PERFORMANCE FOR THE THOUSAND BILLION CUSTOMERS THERE WHEN I REALIZE THERE ARE ONLY FOUR AND MY UKELE IS A BOX OF CHOCOLATE, WELL AFTER WIPING THE CHOCOLATE OFF MY ASS AND INSISTING TO THE MANAGER THAT I DON'T HAVE TO "LEAVE IMMEDIATELY" I SNORT A DRINK OF COFFEE AND START HOLLERING THAT I AM THE CHOCOLELE PRINCE, BUT THIS DOESN'T WORK SO I'M FIRED, RIGHT I SHOULD'VE MENTIONED I WAS WORKING THERE AS AN EMPLOYEE AND IT SEEMS THAT APPARENTLY THIS WAS NOT APPRECIATED IN ANY VAGUE SENSE OR FORM. BUT ANYWAY I'M DEJECTEDLY STROLLING TO THE SNOW AND OUT THE SHOP WHEN I DECIDE TO CROSS GRAND DOVER AND HEAD BEHIND THE STUDENT SERVICES BUILDING WHERE YOU CAN FIND AN UNIMPEACHABLY BIG FOUNTAIN, YES THAT'S RIGHT THE UNBEARABLY ENORMOUS FONT THAT ONLY PRESIDES IN A SECLUDED KIND OF GARDEN.

AS I'M STROLLING THROUGH THERE, CHOCOLATE BOX DRAGGING ON THE END OF A STRING WHICH I'VE ATTACHED TO MY WONDERFUL LEG, THE MOONLIGHT REEKS OFF THE FOUNTAIN WATER AND THE METALLIC-TYPE BENCHES ABOUT THE INIMITABLE POOL. I STAND THERE, STARING UP AT THE SKY AND HEARING AN AIRPLANE PASS WHEN I THINK THIS GARDEN IS REALLY STARTING TO WRENCH ME INTO A STATE OF PURE INFURIATION, BUT NOT BEFORE I WONDER WHY THE FOUNTAIN IS RUNNING AT ALL DURING THE WINTER. WELL I START TO BREATHE IN AND PUFF MY CHEST OUT TO GET READY TO SCREAM A SERIES OF RANTS AT THE SCHOOL WATER STAFF WHICH MIGHT BE NEARBY, WHEN I THEN HEAR A PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FOUNTAIN SAY MY NAME.

"Seth?"

I HALT, SLOWLY UN-PUFFING MY CHEST, AND THEN GRADUALLY UNHEIGHTENING THE LEG I'D RAISED UP. THE CHOCOLATE BOX BUMPS.

"Is that you?"

THE FIGURE IS NOT MOVING BUT JUST STANDING THERE STARING AT ME ACROSS THE UNFLAGELLATING WATER.

"It's good to see you," SAYS THE SEEMINGLY FAMILIAR CROAK.

WE BOTH JUST STAND THERE, THE FOUNTAIN BETWEEN US. DARKNESS EXPANDS AS THE SOUND OF TRINKLING WATER CARRIES OVER, UNTIL I HEAR A FAR-OFF CAR HORN, AND STIFFEN.

"Here," SAYS THE VOICE, AND WITH A TREMENDOUS BELT THE FIGURE THROWS SOME THING AT ME THROUGH THE STREAMING FONT AND I MANAGE TO CATCH IT, NOW SOAKED UP AND TO THE BONE.

AFTER ABOUT A MINUTE OF THE MOON AND THE WATER AND WIND BLOWING AND THE COFFEE ROYALE MANAGER SCREAMING FROM ACROSS THE WAY THAT HE'S GOING TO ANNIHILATE ME, I LOOK UP FROM THE OLD GLOVE WITH COINS UPON THE FINGERTIPS AND MANAGE TO SAY "HELLO PORRIDGE."

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

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