If Only I Were Her - b.c
✿ Author: binnieverssse
✿ Summary: Falling for a friend sucks. Falling for the leader of your band is a little bit worse. When said friend gets into a relationship with a girl? That is possibly as bad as it can get.
✿ Pairing: Chan x m!reader (9th member)
✿ Word count: 8.1k
✿ Tags/Warnings: 9th member au!, mxm, angst, eventual smut - MDNI!!!!, drinking, struggling with sexuality, 'I wish you were a girl' trope, cheating, minsung canon in fic - bi! Jisung, did I mention ANGST? (From one queer person to another, I apologize in advance)
✿ Author’s note: my first m!reader fic! This was definitely different from the other things that I usually write, but I had been wanting to do this for a while! I really hope that you all enjoy (:
Platonic intimacy is a concept that has always wracked your brain.
What touches are friendly?
Does it still count as innocent when gentle touches and glances linger a moment longer than they are supposed to? You still weren’t clear about what was normal or not, but you could always tell when something felt different.
That’s how it was with Chan. It had always been that way with him.
You aren’t sure what it was, but every time that Chan would wrap his arms around you after a long practice, your chest tightened in a way that never happened with the other members. You always shrugged off Hyunjin’s sweaty embrace, but you always welcomed your leader with open arms. Maybe it was the way that the hug settled with you longer after Chan left. Maybe it was something deeper — but that couldn’t be true.
The other members noticed this too. The boys always joked about Jeongin having favorites when it came to skinship, but the jokes quickly shifted once you joined the group. You were known as ‘Chan’s favorite,’ both within the group and amongst the fandom. Sure, Chan naturally gravitated toward you with affection, but the way that you exclusively melted under his fingertips is what truly made the jokes explode and the shippers go crazy.
Fans started calling you ‘Chan’s last but first baby.’ You were the last member to join the group, but it was obvious that the bond that the two of you had outweighed his relationships with the others. Chan says that he doesn’t have a favorite, but everyone has heard that all so familiar lie. It’s the same lie that parents around the world share from birth.
Even as Chan denied his favoritism, the whole ‘baby’ thing started to catch on to him as well. It didn’t affect you much when the fans would refer to you as being his baby. However, the moment that pet name left his lips, you were in complete shambles.
“What are you going to order, baby?” Chan asked casually, leaning over to peek at your menu as if it wasn’t the same one that you had.
Immediately, you choked as your brain processed his words.
“Chan!” you whisper-shouted at him.
“What? Are you still deciding what to get?” his brows furrowed in confusion, but you took note of the playful glint hiding in his eyes.
“You can’t just call me that. Especially not while we are recording!” you scolded him, still maintaining a quiet enough voice to not draw the attention to the two of you. By now, the tips of your ears were already turning crimson. The last thing that you needed was to go viral for being flustered in this moment.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chan shrugged with a slight pout on his lips. “I personally think that Stay would love the nickname.”
“You are so annoying,” you teased, lightly bumping him with your shoulder. “You just want to torture me for the fans’ enjoyment.”
“Torture?” Chan mocked offence. “If anything,” Chan smirked before tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, “I think that you are enjoying this, baby.” The pet name rolled off of his lips again, this time in a teasing whisper.
“I hate you,” you groaned, slumping into your chair, trying to shrink away from Chan. Even as you were covering your undeniably warm face, you could tell that all eyes were now on you.
“Y/N hates Chan-hyung?” Hyunjin dramatically gasped.
“No fighting at the dinner table, boys,” Minho stifled a laugh at the sight of your crumpled figure.
It is safe to say that the fans were fully fed with that minute of content. There were many speculations about what had happened between scenes when recording. One moment the camera was focused on Seungmin, and then the next you were shown furiously blushing beside an overly-giddy Chan. A decent amount of people made accurate predictions as to what made you flustered when Chan called you baby a few more times throughout the video.
A few months after that recording is when you finally came to terms with the fact that you had feelings for Chan.
As much as you did not want to feel that way about your leader, he made it nearly impossible to not swoon every time that he walked in the room. The pet names were only the beginning of the ever-growing flirting coursing through Chan’s veins.
The thing that started all of this mess is what affected you the most: physical touch.
With each passing week, Chan grew bolder with his touches. During dance practice, his hands would always find themselves lingering on your skin. He swore that he was trying to guide your movement, but Minho insisted that your form looked great the first time.
Any time that the other boys had a chance to get close to you, Chan always found a way to squeeze himself in. Jisung wants to sit next to you during movie night? Not a chance. One time, Chan used the excuse of needing snacks to steal Felix’s spot curled up into your side. You couldn’t tell if your heart was reacting to the sad pout on Felix’s lips when he returned or if Chan alone truly had that much of an impact on your wellbeing. You later decided that Chan was the sole culprit of your arrhythmia when your pulse continued to skyrocket as the man beside you slowly drifted to sleep. Even in his sleep, Chan somehow managed to tighten his grip on you, his fingers melting into the sliver of skin on your hip exposed from your bunched up hoodie.
The cherry on top of it all were the innocent pecks he scattered across your body.
Sure, Chan had also started giving tiny kisses to the other members as well. There was the occasional shoulder kiss when he swayed with Han. There was that time that he kissed Jeongin’s cheek on his birthday — much to Jeongin’s dismay. However, none of those moments compared to the way that Chan approached you. Each feather-like kiss felt dramatic and intentional.
Of course, you still have to assume innocence in his actions. He wasn’t making any grand gestures. He was simply placing a kiss to the top of your head, your cheeks, your temple — places that could easily be excused as friendly.
Though, why were you the one that received this skinship the most?
That was a question that you didn’t linger on for too long. While you had accepted your feelings for Chan, you also acknowledged that misreading his actions could be detrimental to your friendship. So, instead, you stayed quiet.
You instantly regretted your silence the moment that Sol was hired onto the team.
Once your regular makeup artist had to take a few months off for maternity-leave, Sol was hired to fill her space for the time being. Chan immediately reacted to her presence, and you hated every bit of it.
Chan was a natural flirt, but it always felt different with you. The moment that you saw him interact with Sol, your heart stumbled at the familiar energy flowing with his words. Sitting side-by-side as Chan was getting his makeup finished, you couldn’t help but feel nauseous at the blatant flirting occurring beside you. When you dared to sneak a glance at the man beside you, you instantly recognized that playful pout adorning his lips.
It hurt to see that his eyes weren’t on you — they were on Sol, the beautiful woman who was definitely doing more than her job entailed to ensure that Chan was pleased. Chan clearly wanted a reaction, but — unintentionally — the biggest reaction of all seemed to be the pain that lingered in your chest with each passing word.
You knew that things were going downhill when you started spotting Sol outside of her scheduled work hours.
Like many times before, you had found yourself wandering around the dorms with nothing to do. With it being super late, most of the members weren’t even awake for you to bother. Though, there is one man who is always awake at the most ungodly hours: Chan.
Scuffing your shoes with each step up the stairs, you felt a sense of nervousness that was foreign to this routine. You often visited Chan in the studio late at night; you weren’t sure why you felt anxious now. In hindsight, your body was likely warning you for what was to come.
The moment that you reached the familiar door to the studio, you hesitated. Your hand slightly hovered over the doorknob as you heard faint voices through the hardwood.
Was 3racha working on something tonight? You could have sworn that you saw Changbin earlier today.
Shaking off your confusion, you wrapped your fingers around the doorknob, the cold metal bringing you back to reality. Cracking the door open, you wished you had stayed at the dorms instead.
Rather than interrupting a production-session, it seemed that you interrupted an intimate moment between Chan and Sol. The two of them were nestled on the couch in the back of the room, sitting way closer than any two coworkers should.
“Oh, shit. Sorry,” you immediately apologized, already wanting to flee the scene.
Chan coughed and adjusted his posture, “Nah man, you’re good. What’s up?” The tone of his voice carried a clear message: ‘I am establishing that we are just bros.’
Man? Chan hadn’t called you that since your debut. It was obvious that Sol was causing him to act differently toward you. Not that she was intentionally doing anything to persuade him — she just brought an energy that Chan clearly gravitated toward.
“You good?” Chan snapped you back into reality.
Raising your eyes to look at him once more, you were met with Chan’s confused face and Sol’s bright, beaming smile.
Shaking your head in an attempt to ground yourself, you murmured, “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just heading back home.” A lie that Chan saw right through.
“Alright, bro. If you say so,” he chuckled, Sol giggling alongside him. “Get home safe.”
You couldn’t bother to reply as you sulked your way out of the room. The bubbly laughter that followed your departure only caused the pain in your chest to grow stronger.
You didn’t go back to the dorms that night — you couldn’t. You didn’t want to know what ungodly hour Chan finally crept back home. Instead, you snuck into the dance studio down the hall where you ultimately cried yourself to sleep. Chan never texted to make sure that you had made it home safely. It wasn’t until morning that Minho discovered your frail body curled against the polished floors, cheeks stained with tears from the night before. He didn’t ask any questions.
At first it was subtle, but Chan’s isolation eventually became hard to ignore. He was pushing you away so that he could continually grow closer and closer to Sol.
What hurt the most is that Chan wasn’t distancing himself from the other boys — only you. He still snuggled up to Felix, Hyunjin, Changbin — literally every member but you.
You tried to convince yourself that it wasn’t intentional, but you knew that wasn’t true. On top of avoiding you himself, he also dismissed any skinship that you tried to initiate as well. That couldn’t be excused as simple negligence. It felt as if you were being replaced — which was silly from an outside perspective, but it definitely hurt nonetheless.
Eventually fans started to notice your gradual relationship decline. All across social media, people speculated the many reasons why Chan no longer even glanced your way in content.
Being in this industry for so long, you knew better than to read the comments. Under these circumstances, you couldn’t stop yourself from hours of endless scrolling.
Are Chan and Y/N in their divorce era?
Why are my dads fighting? I don’t like this :(
Did you all see the look that Chan gave Y/N? That was harsh.
On top of the speculations, a decent amount of hate comments sprouted as well. All of them were targeted toward you. Many fans struggled to accept the addition of a ninth member once you joined the group, so it was understandable why you were the easiest to target in a time of confusion.
Y/N had to have done something. Team Chan!
When I find out what Y/N did to break Chan’s heart, I swear —
Why is he still in the group? Clearly even Chan is put up with him these days.
Comments like that couldn’t bother you, because you were already thinking about those things yourself. It was hard to pretend that you started to feel unwanted in your own group. Especially when you witnessed Chan defend the other members constantly. Yet, now that you were the victim of online-tormenting, Chan’s bubble was complete radio-silence.
On one of your days off, you allowed your self-doubt to fuel your day. You had initially planned to use the day to clear your mind, but the universe had other intentions for you.
Late into the evening, you had managed to drink yourself numb. While your tears had stopped a while ago, it was clear that you had spent most of your day drowning in your own sobs. When Chan returned home earlier than usual, he found you curled up on the couch, one too many empty bottles of soju sitting on the coffee table. Upon seeing the red staining your cheeks, Chan instantly came closer, concern written all over his face.
“Y/N…” he pouted, “What happened?”
When Chan placed his hand on your arm and started rubbing reassuring circles against your skin, you lost it again. The alcohol had only inhibited your ability to cry for so long. The feeling of Chan’s skin against yours for the first time in weeks was enough to trigger the dam hiding behind your eyes again.
Wordlessly, Chan scooped you into his arms as your sobs continued to get louder.
“I can’t do this anymore,” you managed to blubber through your drunken tears.
“What? Can’t do what anymore?” Chan tried to get you to talk through whatever storm was happening in your mind.
“This — the band — I don’t know,” you hiccuped in between your babbles.
“The band? You’re not thinking of leaving are you?” For a moment, you could have sworn that the look in Chan’s eyes was one of pure fear. You couldn’t decipher if it was genuine or a result of your drunk mind grasping for any glimpse of hope.
“The fans hate me,” you sobbed. “They keep telling me to leave and I think they’re right.”
“You know that isn’t true,” Chan tried to reassure you. “There are so many people that love you.”
“Not you, though.” Your words were barely above a whisper, but Chan heard them. He immediately stiffened at your mumbling.
“What?” Chan treaded slightly as he asked for clarification. You could already tell that he was slowly trying to back away without making it obvious.
“You hate me, Chan. You’ve made it so clear,” you sniffled as his warmth slowly faded away.
Chan harshly grabbed your shoulders, forcing you to make direct eye contact with him.
“What are you saying, dude?” His brows were furrowed and his body was tense — he knew exactly what you were talking about.
“That!” you exclaimed pitifully. “‘Dude.’ What happened to ‘baby’? Huh? You used to be so sweet to me.” Your lip quivered as you watched his face turn in disgust.
“Don’t-” Chan tried to dismiss you.
“Don’t what?” you immediately retaliate. “Don’t point out the obvious? Everyone knows that you are pushing me away, Chan. The other members, fans, me! Everyone had noticed.”
“You’re just drunk, man,” he sighed.
“No. You don’t get to do that.” For once, your anger was starting to point toward him rather than yourself.
“Do what?” Chan scoffed.
“Hurt me over and over again and pretend like I am insane.” Chan slightly flinched at your words, but you couldn’t even notice in your state.
“I didn’t say that you were insane. I said that you were drunk,” he tried to justify his words, but there was no use.
“Me being drunk doesn’t take away the fact that you can’t even look at me anymore. When was the last time that you hugged me? Kissed my forehead when I needed it?”
“I’m not ignoring you on purpose, man.” Chan rubbed a hand over his face, trying to lie his way out of this conversation.
“Bullshit,” you spat through clenched teeth. “You are replacing me with her and you know it.”
“Oh my God. Is that what this is about?” Chan’s voice rose with disbelief. “You’re mad that I am talking to Sol?”
“Everything that you used to do with me — I see you doing them with her,” you hiccuped, growing smaller under Chan’s intense glare.
“Don’t make this something that it isn’t. Nothing that I used to do with you even begins to compare to how I treat her.” This argument pierced right through the anger protecting your feelings.
“So now you aren’t even going to deny it? You’re treating me differently because of her,” your voice shook as your breathing grew short.
“She is different,” Chan grimaced, pointing a finger toward you. “You need to lose whatever this shit is, man. I’m not putting up with it. Quit being so fucking weird.”
With that, Chan abruptly stood up and stormed out of the dorm. You aren’t sure where he was headed, but you had an inkling.
As you were left in silence, all that you could do is focus on his last words to you.
“Quit being so fucking weird.”
What was weird? Calling him out? Falling for him? Assuming that he felt the same way?
The next morning, Chan called for a meeting before everyone’s solo-schedules. You were slightly terrified that this was the end of idol-life for you. Surely Chan had reported you to management and he was about to announce your departure from the group.
Unfortunately, you would have rather heard that than what Chan actually had to announce.
Walking into the studio, all of the other members were already present. There were nine people in the room all staring at you; your eight members and her — Sol.
Chan didn’t wait long to announce that he and Sol had decided to make their relationship official. He clarified that he wasn’t hiding anything from anyone and that this step in their relationship was fresh. They had only started dating the night before — presumably after he stormed out of the dorms. His whole reasoning was that he didn’t want to hide any secrets from the boys, but you knew better than that. While Sol smiled around the room, Chan’s eyes were solely locked on you. Chan only wanted to announce this to the group to get under your skin. Boy, did it work.
Other than Chan’s eyes burning a hole in your head, you felt another person glancing your way. Minho, somehow managing to read your mind, gave you a sad look as he noticed the devastation in your eyes. After everyone else had left, Minho was the one to stay behind and comfort you as you cried yet again.
You aren’t sure how Minho connected the dots, but you were glad that he did. Many times after Chan and Sol became official, the minsung dorm became your place of solace. Han never questioned why his hyung was suddenly sleeping on their couch rather than his own bed. For that, you were grateful.
Over the next few weeks, Chan’s presence in your shared dorm slowly increased. It’s not that he wanted to be home more — he clearly was just trying to get under your skin. Between nonstop giggles and moans, you were losing your sanity.
Another tell-tale sign of his intentions was revealed once you started leaving the moment that you heard him come home. After a while, you knew when to leave before Chan even began his shenanigans. The first time that you decided to storm out at the sight of Sol, you noticed Chan’s brow twitch in the slightest; it was miniscule, but undeniable. It affected him that you were leaving, whether he would admit that or not.
Eventually, you got in the habit of going straight to the minsung dorm rather than your own. You had enough of your belongings there that it practically felt like your own home. The love and warmth that flowed from their dorm was something that had been completely drained from your own living space.
Minho and Jisung never made you feel guilty for taking up any space. Regardless of how many nights you spent sprawled out on their couch, they always greeted you with a gentle smile the following morning.
The only thing that made you feel any sense of guilt was Jeongin. You felt bad for leaving the younger boy in the dorm to deal with Chan’s overbearing love life. On many nights, he’d send you pleading texts that simultaneously brought bubbling laughter and heartache.
⭑ Ayen ⭑
Hyuuuuuuung
Why did you abandon me :(
How am I supposed to play overwatch when all that I can hear is performative moaning
Save me
I think that I might feed Channie hyung the hair that I keep finding in the sink if he doesn’t quiet down
“That’s gross,” is all that you could reply with a faint smile adorning your saddened face.
Chan didn’t reach out. At least, he didn’t at first.
Deep down, a part of you knew that he had grown to love mind games with you. Yet, it was obvious that Chan was too afraid to actually confront you with anything. Since the first and last confrontation, it’s been nothing but exploitation from the sidelines. The more hurt you seemed, the happier the relationship was.
Maybe this is why you were surprised when Chan texted you late one night.
It was a weekend, everyone was supposed to take an off-day, but you know how Chan is. Much to your surprise, he actually took the day to rest.
Well — maybe rest isn’t the best term to use.
Chan used this Saturday to drink away the stress constantly carried with him. It started out as one glass of wine with Sol to celebrate all of his recent hard work, but one glass quickly turned into two. Two glasses quickly turned into three. By the end of the night, Chan had downed a whole bottle (and a half) of red wine all by himself.
It had to have been the liquid courage that motivated him to message you.
Chan ♡
Y/N..
Inwish you were hwre
Sol made samgyetang
Your favorite
When you didn’t reply, Chan carried on.
You don’t even use your own bed anymorr
You’ve been spending too much time with Minho and Jisung
I sont like it
You simply replied with: “I am not your boyfriend.” Your message wasn’t read until the following morning. Unexpectedly, your message was left on open.
Filming content started feeling like a chore rather than your job. The weekend-long skzcode that the company had planned for the summer was something that you had been dreading since the initial debriefing. The plan was to have you all film a survivalist-style show while you camped in the great outdoors. In reality, the nine of you would be staying in a cushy cabin right outside of view of the cameras.
The cabin only had four rooms for ten people — the additional person being none other than Chan’s other half, because God forbid they are apart for three days. Two of the rooms had multiple beds, similar to a primary school sleepover. The other two rooms had solo beds, one of which was already guaranteed to sleep Chan and Sol. With that being said, sticks were drawn to see who else would luck out with the other solo bed.
Much to your disdain, Minho and Jisung were paired together with Hyunjin and Jeongin. However, with the rest of the drawings, you somehow managed to luck out with the solo room. Based on your expectations for this schedule, this may have been the best outcome anyway.
The recording itself wasn’t the worst experience. You had easily learned to plaster a smile on your face and stick closer to any member other than Chan. Sure, the company may give you shit for your actions later down the road once they read the fans’ reactions, but you preferred your own sanity for the time being.
Once the night had fallen and the filming crew had gone to their respective hotels, that is when the dread really started to kick in. It was too late in the night to escape outdoors, but also way too early to excuse yourself to sleep. Instead, you settled next to Minho and pretended to actively listen to whatever story Hyunjin was retelling for the hundredth time.
In reality, all that you could focus on was her — Sol.
This was the first time you truly sat down and experienced her personality outside of work. Any other time, you ran from her unless she wielded her makeup brushes. However, sitting here and subtly watching her just exist, your guilt began to gnaw in a different manner.
Every time that Hyunjin made some dramatic gesture during his story, Sol lit up and burst into laughter. With each bump in the story, the expressions on her face were nearly cartoonish. She was so authentically herself, and you understood what Chan saw in her.
Based on the way that Sol interacted with the rest of your members, you couldn’t hold any resentment towards her. How can you hate someone who reminds you so much of yourself? Sol is practically everything you are — but Sol is a girl, something you’ll never be.
Overthinking on whether it is your fault or Chan’s that your initial bias formed, you hadn’t even realized that everyone had moved on to closing out the night. It wasn’t until Minho nudged your shoulder that you were snapped back into reality.
“I’m going to grab a few drinks. What are you feeling?” Minho mumbled just loud enough for you to hear. You didn’t miss Chan’s lingering glare as you leaned closer.
“Whatever you’re having. I definitely need it about now.” The two of you shared a sad, knowing smile before Minho retreated.
“You want anything, baby?” Chan spoke loud enough for you to hear, but he was speaking directly to his girlfriend. Hearing the pet name shattered your spirits a little more, knowing that’s what he used to call you before all of this mess.
When Sol smiled and kissed his cheek, Chan stood and followed where Minho and the others had gone. All that was left was you and her.
“You doing okay?” she asked with a gentle, sweet voice.
When you looked up, there was genuine concern etched on her face. You wondered what her perspective of this whole situation is.
“Oh, yeah. I’m just tired,” you shrugged off, avoiding this conversation to the best of your ability.
“Oh, okay. Chan’s just been pretty worried about you,” Sol tried to comfort you, but sadly only made things worse. You still respected her attempt at kindness, nonetheless.
The awkward silence didn’t last long as the sound of Han’s bellowing laugh and clinking glass filled the living area. Slowly, everyone filled the room once more, and then the night truly began.
By the end of the night, one too many people had drunk themselves sick or asleep. Minho barely managed to convince Jisung to head upstairs to sleep for the night.
While you were rather drunk, you weren’t nauseated or sleepy enough to justify leaving the crevice of the couch where you had spent the last few hours. Instead, you watched as people disappeared one by one.
Eventually, all that remained were you and your least favorite couple. Sol was already knocked out, snoring on her boyfriend’s shoulder. The only conscious people in the room were you and Chan — if you could even call yourselves conscious.
Getting flashbacks of your last drunken encounter with Chan, you made the smart decision to head to your room, even if you weren’t all that tired. Knowing that you had more recording to do tomorrow evening, it was best that the arguing was saved for another time.
Thankfully, Chan seemed to be on the same page as you. The second that you started your stumbling journey across the room, Chan followed suit, scooping Sol into his arms effortlessly. You’d always glorified his strength.
Shaking your head, ignoring the slight tinge of blush on your cheeks, you made your way into your room. You didn’t have time for thoughts like that.
The only thing swimming in your mind was Chan. As much as you despised the way he treated you, sometimes you still miss the way things were before his relationship. The physical touch, the kisses — all things that he now gives to someone else.
You felt shameful as you thought back to the way his muscles flexed when he lifted Sol onto his shoulder. You had always wondered what it would be like for him to manhandle you in that same way.
Rubbing your hand over your face, you decided that forcing yourself to sleep might cure the thoughts running through your brain. You couldn’t bother to properly prepare for bed, so you instead opted to simply discard of the clothes you had on. You were sleeping by yourself anyway.
Just as you were throwing your shirt to the corner of the room, you heard a rustling sound outside your door — someone was messing with the door knob. Before you could ask who was there, Chan drunkenly stumbled into the room, finally getting the door to cooperate.
“Chan? What are you doing?” you asked, brows knit with confusion. The door clicked behind him.
“I miss you,” he pouted, face completely flushed. Whether that is from the alcohol he consumed or something entirely different, you couldn’t be sure.
“I- You don’t get to just say that, Chan,” you sighed, regardless of how your chest tightened at his words. It was hard to stand your ground when you were intoxicated and he was already on your mind. Looking into his eyes easily reminds you of why you’re upset with him in the first place. Your mind is battling a war between longing and anger.
“It’s true, Y/N. I miss you so much, baby,” he slurred. You immediately froze at his words.
“Baby?” you barely whispered.
“You spend too much time with Minho and Hannie now,” Chan accused, his brows furrowed as he circled back to his last drunken text messages that he had sent weeks ago.
“And you spend too much time with Sol,” you scoffed, the alcohol giving you courage that you didn’t even know existed.
“But I wanna spend time with you, Y/N. You’re my favorite.” There were practically tears in Chan’s eyes as he mumbled his words. Regardless of the drunken disconnect, you heard every single word loud and clear.
“Oh yeah? How would Sol feel about that?” you asked, both out of curiosity and guilt.
“Will you quit saying her name?” Chan whined, his shoulders slumping further with each passing second.
“Why? She’s your girlfriend, no?” God how you wished he’d say no. In a sober state of mind, you would have easily kicked him out of your room and back to his girlfriend. However, a mixture of the alcohol and his pleading eyes is making you feed into the chase.
“Can you just — stop talking for a sec,” Chan hiccuped in between his words, trying to compose himself. Slowly, he took gentle but confident steps toward you, steadily closing the gap between you two.
“Why’s that?” you murmured, your breathing starting to go unsteady the closer Chan got.
“I just wanna think about you,” he pouted right before you. “Nothing else,” he whispered, shamelessly raking his eyes over your half-naked body. His fingers reached out, slightly grazing where your hips peaked out of your jeans.
“Just me?” You felt childish asking for validation, but this is all that you had dreamed about for months. You had to make sure that you weren’t simply hearing things.
“Just you,” Chan whispered with a husky voice. His eyes darted back to your face before flickering to your slightly glossy lips. He ran his thumb across your lip, simply fascinated with how you looked this close.
Before you could overthink it, Chan took initiative himself. Digging the pads of his fingers deeper into your side, his other hand swiftly moved to cup your jaw. Pulling you closer, Chan crashed his lips into yours with hungry desire. You took a sharp breath in, not entirely expecting Chan to take control like this. It only took a moment before you melted into his embrace and started to kiss him back with an equal amount of vigor.
“I’ve thought about this for so long. Thought about you,” Chan admitted when he pulled away to catch his breath.
“Yeah?” you replied, obvious yearning laced in your voice. “Show me what you’ve thought about?” you tested him.
Chan simply smirked before crashing his lips into yours once more. His hand that rested on your waist slowly crept around and landed right on the swell of your ass. His fingers needed your flesh through your jeans, matching the pace of his tongue gliding against your own.
Wordlessly, Chan walked the two of you back toward your bed. Once your knees hit the mattress, you became slightly unbalanced and immediately fell to the bed. Through his intoxicated lens, Chan swore he had never seen anything more beautiful than you giggling beneath him, lips even shinier than before.
Scooting you further up the bed, Chan crawled on top of you, picking up right where he left off. When the distance between your bodies closed further, you began to feel an unmistakable podding against your thigh — Chan was incredibly hard. This realization made you whine, grasping the edges of his white shirt.
“Off, please,” you pleaded, tugging at the cotton material. Chan nodded, seemingly as eager as you. When he lifted his shirt over his head, you let out a shameful whimper at the sight of his body.
You’d seen Chan shirtless a countless amount of times. However, nothing compared to how he looked now: desperate and glistening with sweat as he caged in your body.
“You like what you see?” he cockily replied to your whimpers, using this as an opportunity to slowly grind against your leg. You know for a fact that your own erection was easily seen through your jeans — Chan was getting off on teasing you.
“Channie, please,” you whined, grinding the air as you searched for some sense of relief.
“Easy, baby.” A puff of air escaped his lips as he tried not to laugh at your blatant neediness. Nonetheless, he gave you exactly what you wanted — truth be told, it was mainly because he wanted it more.
Teasingly slow, Chan worked his way around your jeans, fingers brushing your erection as he inched toward the button and zipper. With one hand dangerously close to your crotch, he expertly undone your jeans with his free hand. When you lifted your hips once more, Chan wasted no time freeing you from your constraints of denim.
The moment the cool air kissed your bare skin, you gasped. Suddenly aware of how exposed you were, slight insecurities started to creep in your mind. You and Chan had seen plenty of one another, but you spread out, flushed, leaking at the sight of him? This is uncharted territory.
Any lingering doubt faded when you saw the hazy look in Chan’s eyes. Pupils completely blown out, he was entranced by every inch of your body. Though he looked uncertain about what to do next, it was for sure that he wanted this.
“Is this for me?” Chan quipped, wrapping his hand around your cock. You rapidly nodded as Chan slowly pumped your length.
“Want you to fuck me, Channie,” you cried, already needing more than just his hand.
“Yeah? Think you can ride me, baby?” Chan asked, thought it seemed like the fantasy was entirely his.
Chan’s free hand slid between your legs, inching closer to your hole. Completely filthy and unexpected from the man you know, Chan let a long string of saliva fall from his lips, slowly falling to the fingers that inched closer to your entrance. With precise thought, Chan began to tease your ass with his slightly lubed fingers.
“I wanna see you on top of me,” Chan groaned as he plunged the first finger into your tight hole.
Your eyes rolled back into your head as you imagined how full you’d feel on top of him. Before you could respond, one finger became two — Chan was getting impatient. There was a slight sting, but you couldn’t care less since Chan was the one pleasing you.
When Chan finally felt like you were ready enough to carry on, he retracted his hands from you completely. You whined, now clenching around nothing.
“Patient, baby,” Chan teased as if he wasn’t rapidly fighting to get his jeans off.
Your eyes widened when Chan’s erection sprung free from his jeans. He was big — much bigger than you had imagined. You’d seen him half hard through his sweats during practice before, but nothing could’ve prepared you for reality.
Before you could ogle at his dick for too long, Chan swiftly grabbed your hips and tossed you further in bed. It didn’t take long for him to join you, lying against the headboard, legs spread to leave nothing to the imagination.
As much as you would love to live out all of your fantasies with Chan tonight, the need to have him inside of you outweighed any other desires. Unfortunately, skipping foreplay was a must.
Chan spit on his hand before stroking himself a few times. His eyes encouraged you to lean up and straddle him.
“If it’s too much, let me know,” Chan whispered, kissing you way too gently for whatever this was.
You winced in fear even before his tip pressed against your ass. You knew to expect pain due to the lack of preparation and lube. Regardless, lust overpowered then need to slow down.
When you finally lined yourself up directly above Chan’s dick, he couldn’t help but slightly thrust up. You cried out as Chan slowly inched inside of you. The pain was blinding, but you knew that it would be worth it. By the time you had sunk completely onto his cock, your brain was scrambled. The stretch and fullness was something like you’d never experienced before.
Eventually, once you felt well-adjusted, you began lifting your hips, slowly making a rhythm as you began to ride Chan’s dick.
“Baby, you feel — fuck — so good,” Chan panted once you had found a good pace. At his praise, you completely zoned out.
During the intense pleasure coursing through your body, your mind was running a million miles an hour. All that you could think about were the many nights where this was all that you dreamed about. The idea of actually having Chan like this was unrealistic in your mind. Yet, here you were, making him feel like heaven on earth.
With your thoughts running rampant, the all so familiar coil in your belly began to grow embarrassingly fast. Absorbed in your fascination with Chan, you leaned forward and began leaving wet, open mouth kisses along his jawline, traveling down his neck. Your teeth nipped at his soft skin as you felt yourself growing closer and closer.
“Chan — I —“ you panted.
“It’s okay, baby. Me too,” he admitted breathlessly.
Pulling back to see his glazed over eyes was enough to push you over the edge. Your hand flew to cover your mouth to conceal any loud moans that inevitably escaped as your orgasm wrecked your body. Hot spurts of cum leaked from your tip, painting Chan’s chiseled chest.
The sight of your release covering his own body was enough to trigger Chan’s orgasm as well. Shakily, Chan pumped himself into you one last time as he emptied his seed into you.
Totally spent, your body collapsed on top of his. Gently, Chan lifted you off of his softening member. He sat you back down, still straddling his hips as you laid on his chest.
Just as you had felt content enough to doze off into much needed rest, Chan began to whisper in your ear.
“I wish that Sol was you, Y/N,” Chan admitted with a hazy voice.
With these words, a small moment of clarity finally peaked through your intoxicated trance. Guilt settled in your stomach before sleep could take hold.
The morning welcomed you with the smell of sweat and sticky skin. You were confused for a moment until you recognized the weight of another man in your bed. You didn’t even have to fully look up to remember that Chan had ended up in your bed the night before.
Regardless of the pounding headache you had, your mind was clear enough to instantly fill with regret. You slept with a taken man — disgust for both yourself and Chan was overpowering any other thought in your mind.
Simultaneously frantic but carefully, you eased your way out of bed and stumbled toward your suitcase. The two of you had slept completely naked, curled up beside one another all night long. With shaky hands, you opened your suitcase and grabbed the first pair of sweats you could find.
After throwing on your clothes, you realized that you couldn’t stay in the room for any longer; each slight glance at Chan made you sick with panic. Not knowing whether you needed water or air, you dizzily walked the stairs that led to the common area.
Your frazzled brain calmed for a second once you reached the bottom of the stairs. Han was sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone. It was uncharacteristically early for him to be awake.
“Morning, Y/N,” Han’s soft voice cut through the air.
You opened your mouth to reply, but nothing came out.
“Everything okay?” Tears started to sting your eyes at Han’s question. “Oh, hyung. Come here,” Han pouted, patting the empty cushion next to where he sat.
The moment that you sat next to him, Jisung threw an arm behind your back — a reassuring reminder that you are surrounded with support. When you didn’t speak, Han took a good look at figure, seeming like he was trying to read your mind.
“You slept with him. Didn’t you?” You froze at his words.
“How did you—“ your jaw was slack with shock.
“I went to pee last night and I saw Chan walking into your room. Based on that and the creaking that followed, I’m not stupid,” Jisung explained, immediately making you even more embarrassed.
“I am so sorry,” you choked, ears red at the thought of your close friend hearing you fuck your leader.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m sure that you’ve heard worse from Minho and I,” Han laughed, causing your shoulders to relax in the slightest.
“I just-“ you paused, a slight tremble in your voice, “I can’t believe I did that. I feel so gross.”
Jisung immediately wiped away the tears that you didn’t even know were falling.
“What about it makes you feel gross?” he inquired, his eyes showing his genuine intent to listen.
“I slept with a man in a relationship. I’m a home-wrecker,” you took a sharp breath in, trying your best to hold back the tears.
“So you aren’t grossed out at the fact that it was Chan that you slept with? Just the fact that he has a girlfriend?” Han pressed further. This was a question that you hadn’t yet reflected on yourself.
“I- I don’t think so,” you pondered as you processed this idea for the first time yourself. “I mean, I’ve wanted…that for so long. I never would have wanted this to happen under these circumstances, though.”
“And you still feel something for him? After all of this?” Han’s voice was nonjudgmental.
“Yeah. Without a doubt,” you finally confessed after a moment of silence. As much as you hated yourself for still wanting Chan all for yourself, you knew better than to lie to Han. Jisung was one of the few helping you throughout this whole situation.
“Can I give you my opinion?” Jisung carefully asked. You simply nodded in response.
“I’ve seen this before: what Chan is going through,” he elaborated. “I saw this same thing happen with myself when I first met Minho.
“I didn’t want to admit that there was a possibility that I could be interested in men. I knew that I felt different around Min, but I didn’t want to admit that to myself.
“It took me so long to finally be content with the idea of being bi — being myself. Y/N,” Jisung paused to make sure that the two of you locked eyes, “I’m not sure if or when Chan will get to that point.
“Coming from experience, it’s hard,” he sighed in reflection. “But, Jesus…Chan is so stubborn sometimes. He loves to be in control so much, and I think he’s scared that his emotions are one thing that he can’t control.
“All that I’m saying is: I don’t want you to keep hurting yourself chasing someone who may never be able to love you the way that you deserve. Because you deserve so much more than what Chan is willing to give right now.” Han slid his arm down just enough to squeeze your shoulder in reassurance. His touch grounded you, made you realize that he — unfortunately — had a point.
Before you could respond, muffled sounds of screaming were heard from upstairs. You couldn’t make out everything perfectly, but it was clear that Sol was yelling at Chan. “You’re fucking kidding me,” is the one phrase that you’re sure you heard at least three times throughout the shouting match.
You somehow managed to tense up further at the sound of a slamming door. Upstairs, Sol had stormed out of the bedroom, angrily preparing to leave with her bag in tow.
When she did storm down the stairs, you barely glanced at her out of the corner of your eye. The sight of her absolutely broken destroyed you. Her face was still puffy with sleep, only now it was also ruined with tear stains. An innocent bystander in your story, a victim in her own — Sol looked heartbroken.
The front door was shut with force as Sol left with her belongings. The moment she left, you crumbled. The tears that you fought so hard to hold back poured out of you uncontrollably. Without a second thought, Han pulled you closer, holding you through your sobs. All of the pain and guilt from the last few months was all crashing in on you at once.
Upstairs, Chan was frantic. He regrettably was found in your bed, covered in hickeys just moments ago. He had barely had a chance to recall what happened the night before when Sol began to tear him to shreds. With Sol gone, Chan now had to decide if he would confront you or his potential ex-girlfriend.
You trembled in Han’s arms, scooting closer as if to hide away from all of your problems. Unfortunately for you, your biggest problem came walking down the stairs moments after Sol left.
The moment that Chan stepped downstairs, his eyes locked onto you. The sight of you being cradled by his younger member caused an unsettling sensation in his chest. After last night you really ran to Han?
Conflicted with anger and sadness, Chan too stormed out of the cabin. It was clear that he made his choice between you and Sol.
The deafening slam of the door echoed through the home, only accompanied by your loud sniffles. Undeniably, everyone else was awake by now.
In a home filled with people you love, you had never felt more alone. With Chan and Sol out the door, the hole in your heart began to swell further and further. You never expected any of this to get this bad.
At the end of the day, you are the one left to pick up the pieces. Han’s advice sat heavy on your shoulders as the rest of the world began to rise and carry on. Chan made his choice, and now it was time to make yours.
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