1. For months and months and months, you will debate if you should try harder or just give up on the past three years of your life
2. You know you deserve better but think, “Maybe I won’t find it, maybe I don’t deserve better”
3. You do
4. You were not happy, just comfortable
5. You should have left
6. When your feelings were made invalid- you should have left
7. When he poked fun at your insecurities day after day until you didn’t find yourself beautiful anymore- you should have left
8. When he condescendingly told you over and over to “Maybe pick a healthier choice” at the market- you should have left
9. When you were upset with him for something he said or did, yet somehow it was always your fault- you should have left
10. When you put his happiness before your own, but so did he- you should have left
11. When you exhausted all of your efforts into making him happy, and got little in return- you should have left
12. When he did not make an effort with your family or friends- you should have left
13. When he only found you beautiful with the lights off- you should have left
14. When you even thought you might be settling- you should have left
15. Everyone will tell you to leave, you will even tell yourself to leave, but it is so much harder than you ever thought it could be
16. Because you know you should leave
17. But you will not be able to go through with it the first time
18. You will get to his house and he will look so good and it will get to you- like always
19. The apologies and the “I promise I’ll try harder” ‘s will get to you – like always
20. The look on his face knowing you might actually leave this time, you might actually walk away, will get to you- like always
21. You will suddenly remember all of the amazing memories that you have shared and you will think “Am I really making the right decision?” – like always
22. You will hug him so tight and your heart will break when you realize this could be it
during
23. But this time you stop
24. And this time you leave
25. And this time you don’t go back, you don’t turn around, you don’t call him when you get home and say, “Hey, I’m really sorry, I made a mistake. Come back.” – like always
26. And this time, this last time, you will feel like you left a piece of yourself at his house in his basement; the same basement where you shared so many firsts and so many laughs and so many memories
27. And you will walk in your front door, right past where he first told you that he loved you and you will feel empty inside
28. And you will tell your parents and they will look at you like you could burst at any second because this time it’s different and this time it’s real and this time it happened
29. And your friends and family will be shocked that “you are taking it so well”
30. But they won’t know how nauseous you get every time he is brought up
31. They won’t know that your heart physically aches
32. They won’t know that you will cry on the bathroom floor until you can’t breathe anymore
33. And they won’t know that you will break down when his brother posts a video with his voice in it
34. The voice that convinced you so many times to stay
35. The voice that you aren’t even sure you recognize anymore
36. You were finally strong enough to say enough is enough, you don’t deserve this. But was it the right choice? Did you mess up?
37. You can’t imagine him with anyone else
38. You will be forced to put everything he gave you into a box because you can’t bear to look at in anymore
39. But you can’t get rid of it
40. You can’t just throw away three years
41. Like he did
42. You will text him a month later and he won’t want to talk to you and it will make you not want to be here anymore
43. You will laugh with your friends, but that night you will cry yourself to sleep
44. You will breakdown in the middle of Target because someone is wearing the same cologne as him
45. You won’t be able to drive past his house for months without crying
46. You will search for a distraction, in any place you can, because feeling nothing is better than feeling this
47. You will delete his number from your phone so he doesn’t hate you when you accidentally drunk text him
48. You will wait until four in the morning to go to sleep when you are dead tired because you won’t want to be left alone with your mind
49. You will feel like you are on the verge of tears for months at a time
50. You will look at old pictures months later and not recognize them or yourself; everything is different
51. “I wanted it to me you and me”
52. You will feel like this is never going to end
53. Because no one ever tells you how to leave
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
stormborns
