My boyfriend doesnt last long during sex. Its becoming really frustrating for both him and me because he always comes before I do and never finishes me off, and also makes him feel 'inadequate.' any tips on solving this?
This problem, called premature ejaculation, is a common problem and a question we get often. There are several solutions to this, but some work better than others. Let’s structure this wall of text:
One possibility is of course that your boyfriend brings you to orgasm after he had his. But an orgasm is very exhausting and -this is especially true for a male orgasm- the lust or libidio decreases significantly right after the orgasm. You can’t blame it on selfishness if a man is not in the mood for sexual acts just after he orgasmed and it has most often nothing to do with a lack of will to please his partner.
So your best bet is to try and come at the same time or before he does. This is of course not as easy as it sounds, since the male orgasm is way easier to achieve than the female orgasm in general and it is hard to suppress it under ongoing stimulation of the penis through the vagina.
Tensing and pressure release
To some extent, your boyfriend can train himself to prolong the time to orgasm, either by training his muscle strength in the pv muscles (the ones you need to “hold it in”, it’s the same in both sexes) and tense it when he is about to come for as long as possible. The good thing with this is that you as a woman can probably feel the muscles tensing and get increased pressure and friction inside your vagina and on the g-spot. This and the awareness that he is about to orgasm can be a big boost towards your own orgasm, so when you were close to orgasm already, it may bring you over the edge and end in a simultaneous orgasm of both of you.
Also, try to make your boyfriend release some of the pressure by being more vocal. A loud moan or grunt can make the difference between ejaculating now and holding it back one more time, and this can again be a turn-on for you that can bring you to climax.
Still, the time the average woman needs to orgasm is longer than even this prolonged time, so you have to make sure to get well stimulated before penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex even starts. Foreplay is the most important part of sex and should focus mainly on the woman. Of course, you also want to arouse the male partner, but if you do it too much, you don’t get the advance in stimulation you probably need to orgasm at (approximately) the same time. In foreplay you can also focus better on the body parts that bring you really closer to orgasm, e.g. the clitoris doesn’t get much if any stimulation during PIV sex, and the g spot also doesn’t get much stimulation depending on the position you choose.
More stimulation for her body…
Which leads to the third advice: Try different positions where either the penis gets less stimulation because the vagina is not as tight around it or where the g-spot, clitrois et cetera get more stimulation because of increased pressure or friction.
Depending on the position you choose, you can also use a vibrator on your clitoris to make you come. The thrusting motion of the penis will add by applying varying pressure on the inside of the the clitoris. If you’re into it, you can also wear a butt plug or use an anal vibrator, both will, together with the penis from the other side, increase the pressure on the back/lower wall of the vagina, between vaginal tunnel and anus, where another sensitive area is located.
Also, figure out additional turn-ons that might help to climax faster, like breast sucking, soft or intense kissing, biting, bondage, blindfolds, leg spreading, dirty talk or even some specific type of music in the backgound, whatever helps is good. As a side-effect, these things may draw away the man’s attention from his own orgasm, because concentrating on what you have to prevent and how it feels if you can’t prevent it usually just makes it more likely to happen sooner.
Since the female orgasm usually lasts longer and doesn’t come with the same fast decrease of lust as the male orgasm, an early orgasm of the woman e.g. during foreplay is not a big issue, she can still enjoy PIV sex nearly as much as before orgasm.
Worth noting but not recommended are ways to desensitize the penis with chemicals like special numbing creams or numbing condoms (which contain these creams on the inside). Firstly, they may not be good for your health (they usually contain benzocaine, it can trigger allergic reactions and have severe side effects in seldom cases, but generally it is safe to use if not overdosed or applied wrong. Refrain from blowjobs after sex with such a condom, for example), but above all, their effect is very broad and intense: the man cannot feel anything in his glans or penis after the application of such a numbing cream, which on one hand prevents stimulation to orgasm, but on the other hand even stops the stimulation to stay erect. If you want to try it out, we recommend to wash most of the numbing cream out of the condom beforehand and use it only with the rest of it for a smaller effect. But of course, your mileage may vary, penisses are very different and some are more, some less sensitive and the numbing cream may work better once you get used to the feeling of not feeling anything. Still, it is probably not the most pleasurable sex for him, and the goal is of course for both and all partners to have fun and orgasms.
We also want to discourage the often heard advice that he should think about something unsexy, like his oldest ugliest teacher or something. That’s not what you want to think of in and remember of an intimate moment, and you don’t want your partner do focus on anything but you during sex, do you? If you need distraction, it is better to think about neutral things, for example you may give your boyfriend a math puzzle to solve when he’s close to orgasm, his struggle to answer even easy questions can actually be a turn-on.
And our last tip: Have sex after having sex, sometimes you can engage your boyfriend in a second round only minutes after the frist one, sometimes you have to wait for some hours until his libido is halfway back and the penis is ready again (the so called refraction time), it may not be as pleasurable for him as the first round (the musles in the penis get sore) but he will usually last longer because the glans is desensitized to some extent from the previous stimulation and doesn’t respond as much to the stimulation any more. Also, after the first ejaculation you can imagine it as “less pressure in the pipes”, stimulation of the testicles will not contribute to orgasm as much as it will in the first time.
