It's no longer trans day of visibility, but I'll be honest I missed it by accident and I'm thinking about it now. Happy late Trans Day of Visibility everyone♡
Also let me know if anything in here needs to be tagged♡
Tldr; a vent post about my personal experience with being afab transmasc + a rant about how being trans isn't a lonely experience
I've never identified with the word "Man" not fully. Maybe it's because I haven't fully seen myself as a man yet. I know I'm male, but I'm not "a man" yet, if that makes sense. Boy feels better, but not by much. I'm just so out of touch with my own body that I can't call myself a Man or a Boy without this intrusive sliver of doubt in the back of my head.
So I wouldn't call myself a Man, or a Boy, rather.. a He. I'm a He/Him. That's really all I can say without doubting my own words and getting hyper aware of all the traits that make me "feminine"
I'm luckier than most, I have a large build, wide shoulders and a strong jaw, and I have such a hormone imbalance that causes me to grow facial hair without any outside help. I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing but a round face and a large chest, I've been slowly trying to force myself to notice my more "masculine" qualities.
And most days I can direct my focus to my face, fix my hair and tilt my head every which way to look at my jawline, and I can confidently say that I'm a Man. But sometimes I look in the mirror, even as soon as a few hours later, and I tilt my head every which way, yet I still can't find the handsome guy that I just saw not even a few hours ago. I've always had a disconnect with the image of me in my head with the image of me in the mirror. I look and I don't see myself, even on good days. It's hard to imagine myself in the future looking and feeling like me when I hardly ever feel like me.
One thing I will always be proud of is my hair. It's soft and long and when I'm feeling good it adds that extra touch to make me feel like me.
The year before i found out I was trans I was trying to grow out my hair because I wanted to see it long, but then I realized and panicked, chopping it all off at once. And at the time I was so excited, because I was finally getting a "boy" haircut, and that was me! I'm a boy! But then I realized.. short hair sucks. It's easy to manage sure but it didn't feel right. And so a year later I shaved the sides and let the top grow out, and here we are. I recently got a haircut, chopped off all the dead ends, and it went from past my shoulder up to my chin. And hear I am as happy as I could be with it. It's perfect.
Basically what I'm getting at, is there's no real way to be trans. I may only have my own experience with being afab transmasc but I know that my experience is, 1. Not universal, but also 2. Not entirely all my own either. You may be reading this rant and finding things that you relate to, or finding things that people you know have spoken to you about.
So I'm not alone in my experience, and neither are you, I may not know you but we're in this together. We'll get through this. And you might not believe that for yourself right now, in all honesty I don't think I do either, but I'm holding out hope that it'll come true for both of us. To all my trans siblings, I love you all so so much, and I hope you find the right combination that makes you feel like you. I love you, seek help if you need it, and please I'm begging you, go tell the people you care about that you love them. No particular reason why, it's just nice to see them light up when you remind them how much they mean to you.
Its been three years since I posted this, and I have changed SO much. I graduated high-school in 2024, and have since grown into myself a lot. I still have facial hair and huge tits, but I no longer look in the mirror and hate what I see. Ive developed a clothing style i love, and im not self conscious about my body almost at all anymore. Even without surgery or hormones (even if thats stuff I DO want) im happy to say that im comfortable in my body and im very happy with myself. All that to say, I just wanted to come back three years later and prove to you all (and myself) that things get better. Its hard to imagine things changing, its been especially hard for me recently, but they get better, and im literally proof of it. You will be happier eventually, there are gonna be bad days, but things will look up, and you'll be able to read your vent post from three years ago and go "oh.. I *am* happier. I *am* better. I may not be totally content, but im happier than before, and thats an achievement."
I love all my trans siblings, and anyone else who reads this and needs to hear it. It gets better. I love you.
get incredibly horny and aroused when x IS involved in sex
don't find interest in sex if x is not involved in some way shape or form
then congratulations, you have a fetish!! and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! fetish isnt a bad or ugly thing, it's just something that's a part of your sexuality, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Guys please lord is there anyone out there willing to trade for a pokemon holding malicious armor? I need ceruledge SO FUCKING BAD ITS CRAZY. I'd be willing to go and grab any Scarlet exclusive you want, i just. Don't have any shinies or anything like that (I do have auspicious armor if ur interested in that though)
I cant. Im gonna explode. I wanna write a character with DID but I dont have it, so im trying to do research, but im . At work. So I obviously dont have time, but also my brain is like "you need to research RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. CHARACTER CONCEPT." and then it throws rocks at the inside of my skull.
"OK" SO IT SEEMS AS THOUGH MY GENETICALLY MODIFIED KILLER BEETLES HAVE ESCAPED. HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FUCKI🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲OH G🪲OD🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲 SHI🪲🪲T🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🧪AAAHHHHHHHHOOOHhh Hey. That One Learned thge basics of Chemistry . #Proud
A few years ago while trying to find ways to commit suicide as painlessly as possible, I came across a PDF of Dr. Paul Quinnett's The Forever Decision. Thinking it might go into actual methods of suicide (I read an article once that actually did that and was trying to find it again) I started to read it, and I think I only got about two pages in before I was crying too much to actually see the words.
I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.
All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."
But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.
It's intentionally legal to copy and redistribute this book to keep it as accessible as possible, and it's very easy to find, but here's a link for it anyways.
I wanna start a fucking tiktok account to post my ocs but I do not draw them properly often enough to do that. I have one (1) colored and digital drawing of each of them. And I dont wanna post doodles. Also intro posts are hard, me nono wanna.
The problem with having an oc you know EVERYTHING about. Is that it makes it really hard to talk about them casually. Like my coworker caught me doodling him and asked about him, and I have to take a moment to figure out how to condense 3 years of character building for him AND his family of 6 into a minute of explanation. Any longer than that and they get overwhelmed.
I was gonna give examples of stuff ive thought out way too much and then proved my own point id need to write a full essay for context on why his hair color is a light brown and why he doesnt have freckles.
The problem with having an oc you know EVERYTHING about. Is that it makes it really hard to talk about them casually. Like my coworker caught me doodling him and asked about him, and I have to take a moment to figure out how to condense 3 years of character building for him AND his family of 6 into a minute of explanation. Any longer than that and they get overwhelmed.
I was gonna give examples of stuff ive thought out way too much and then proved my own point id need to write a full essay for context on why his hair color is a light brown and why he doesnt have freckles.
The problem with having an oc you know EVERYTHING about. Is that it makes it really hard to talk about them casually. Like my coworker caught me doodling him and asked about him, and I have to take a moment to figure out how to condense 3 years of character building for him AND his family of 6 into a minute of explanation. Any longer than that and they get overwhelmed.
