Re-reading From Blood and Ash after just finishing Kingdom of Flesh and Fire, and Iām starting to put little pieces together that I think may come into play. Just some thoughts below as I continue to read and try to tie all this stuff together:
Iām almost positive that the first Maiden was Poppyās mom. The Queen of Solis is Poppyās grandma. I think the Duke was supposed to be āengagedā or bonded to Poppyās mom, which is how he knew of her mom, and why the Duchess doesnāt want to speak of her and would like to scrub her name from history.
We pretty much know Poppy is descended from Nyktos somehow because of the silver reflection/glowing. (Nyktos and the Queen of Solis had a thing maybe? Or maybe it wasnāt Nyktos. It was King Malik. I dont know this lineage stuff is screwy, but I still think her mom was the first Maiden and she was somehow supposed to be with the Duke. Which is why he hates her so much.) Somehow, her mom got out of her entanglement with the Duke, for her love of Poppyās dad(?), and Iām pretty sure Alistair is the bad dude responsible for Poppyās momās and dadās deaths, because he knew her lineage would outrank Casteelās tie to the throne.
Iām just adding on my own (much smaller) theory because Iāve tried to explain these to a friend who hasnāt read the book (and has no intentions to) but the glazed look in her eyes was not at all satisfying.
I am completely convinced that Nyktos is sleeping in the Blood Forest. I agree that itās pretty much a slam dunk that Poppy is a descendant of Nyktos at this point and a lot of this theory is working off that being true... There is one point on the mountain that Poppy asks if a god is sleeping in the Blood Forest because the trees there remind her of the Trees of Aios. And I think itās in that conversation she asks where Nyktos is sleeping and either Kieran or Cas tell her that no one knows where he sleeps. The blood tree popping up at the end, in Nyktos temple, when her blood hits the ground is a pretty Big Sign to me BUT also when they were at New Haven when Poppy āsacrificedā herself for the little boy. Iām thinking that maybe her taking Ericās pain somehow, like, woke up Nyktos or something?? I donāt know. A pretty big theme of these books has been who Poppy is, not what she is. I think that her using her power to help even when it hurts her is going to mean something more than her just being a descendent if Nyktos.
Sorry for somewhat hijacking your post but I just finished the books and am real hype about it.
AN: If you read part 1, you may be thinkingĀ āwho are you and what have you done with @shadows-and-flowercrownsā .. if that is the case, let me direct you HERE where I explain one of the many examples of me stumbling through life.
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AN2: Arenāt you lucky, two messages from me for the price of one?
The final part of this will go up tomorrow. I have a Harry Potter head cannon that I really want to get out next but if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to send them my way!
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Azriel slid into the booth across from Cass and Rhys.Ā
Cassian let out a slight groan of contentedness as he sunk into the cushioning . āSee, isnāt this better? Now I can actually hear what the fuck youāre saying.ā
Az rolled his eyes. āAlright, old man.ā He muttered before lifting his beer bottle to his lips.
It surprised people to learn that Azriel was always willing to go to the types of clubs that you see in movies. The ones where they cranked up the music so loud that the sea of people pressed tightly together on the dance floor could barely hear their own thoughts. The three of them had been at such a place tonight. They had only made it an hour or so before someone tripped over themselves and dumped a near full glass of vodka soda all over Cassian.Ā
Normally Az would have insisted they stayed but, after that, he wasnāt upset about them opting out to hang at a place with a more subdued atmosphere tonight.Ā
Cassian flipped him a rude gesture and Az chuckled, taking another swig from the bottle.Ā
Rhys pulled out his phone, a frown tugging down his lips as he starred it. Azriel waited for Rhys to explain the look of concern but his friend just locked the screen before setting it down, face up, on the table.
Azriel tried to leave it alone but his curiosity got the best of him, as it so often did. He tipped his head down, gesturing towards the phone. āEverything alright with the girls?ā
I was a big pile of dumb when I created this account and made it as a secondary blog. I had thought that tumblr would let me do things like, I donāt know, respond to people under this account but I guess the joke is on me this time š
This blog was/is linked to my personal blog that I started using an embarrassingly long time ago. While Iām comfortable posting my jumbled up writings to strangers on the internet, I donāt really want the handful of people I know IRL who still use tumblr reading anything I write just yet. Maybe in the future. Maybe not. Whose to say?
SO.
Thatās why the change is happening.
A fresh start on something that is already brand new.
Going forward, Iām going to post everything to @linenwrites which is a pun on my name - Lynne N... get it?
Unfortunately, this is about as good as the jokes will get so if youāre into it or either of the things Iāve posted so far, you can catch me over there. Iāll be posting the rest of āReforgetā there, with the second part to be posted tomorrow.
You can also catch me on AO3 under linenwrites as well.
There are lost loves that you can mourn for openly but the pain Elain feels now is something that needs to be kept secret. Because of this, Elain has been distancing herself from the rest of the inner circle for a few weeks. Tonight was supposed to be a care-free reunion with her sister but when Azrielās name is brought up again, Elain begins to spiral.Ā
Elain fought the instinct to roll her eyes as she caught the nervous look her sisters shared.
They wouldn't confront her. They never did.
She took a sip from her drink, wondering if their timidness around her was part of the problem.
It had been like this her whole life, everyone walking on eggs shells around her like she was some fragile thing moments away from shattering completely. Even when they were small children, the two of them had done everything in their power to shield her from the realties of how bad things had become with their mother, so much so that her death had completely blindsided Elain.Ā
Both Nesta and Feyre had stayed silent through her relationship with Grayson. The only commented on how much they disliked him after he had ended things with her.
Elain ran an idle finger down the side of her glass, swirling the condensation building up on the side as she remembered back to the days where the grief of her cancelled engagement had utterly consumed her. She hadn't eaten much, stopped speaking to anyone unless it was absolutely essential.
Elain had let herself wither away as she mourned the loss of her love and the life she had planned on having.Ā
In a way, that had been easier. There was a peace that came with the freedom of being able to grieve openly.Ā
But this? This was nothing like it had been with Grayson.
She smiled, a bland thing that she knew didn't reach her eyes, back up at her sisters. She leaned forward, signaling for Nesta to continue on with her story about the most recent bout of shenanigan's Cassian had gotten into.
Elain didn't care about anything she was saying.Ā
Well, that wasn't true. She cared so deeply that it was driving her mad.Ā
It had been weeks since Elain had withdrawn from their circle of friends, making up paper thin excuses and cancelling well established plans. This was the first time she had even seen her sisters.Ā
Even this had nearly been ruined when Feyre had excitedly text back that she would make sure that Mor and Amren were free too. Elain had sent a rushed text back saying that she really needed some quality sister time. She wasn't ready to see the others yet.Ā
Still, she kept her ears perked, listening for even a hint of an update. She couldn't ask outright, it would give too much away but she was desperate.
"..anyway, that's when Azriel showed up. He made the two of them take off the elephant onesies and get back to work before HR got wind of what they were up to."
Feyre laughed, wiping her eyes. "Typical Az. How's he doing lately?"
Elain jolted, realizing with a start that Feyre was addressing her.
"Good." She said with a non-committal shrug.Ā
"Really?" Nesta asked, head cocked to the side, "He's been acting odd lately. Cassian said he won't talk about it but something is definitely up.āĀ
āIām not sure. We havenāt talked. Not for a few weeks.ā
Feyre nodded but Nesta narrowed her eyes at Elain.Ā
"This doesn't have anything to do with your disappearing act, does it?"
Feyre elbowed Nesta but she kept gaze fixed on Elain.Ā
"I don't know what you're talking about." Elain answered, a nervous giggle bubbling to her lips.
She quickly downed the rest of her drink to buy herself more time. She hopped off her stool, ignoring the tell tale wobble in her knees that told her that it was time to go home.Ā
"Come on, lets go dance!" She said with a little too much enthusiasm before marching into the crowd of people on the small dance floor, praying that they wouldn't follow.Ā
Elain needed to move, just needed to get away from them. Her eyes were burning and it would only be a matter of time before Nesta bluntly plowed into a conversation Elain wasn't ready to have. Ā
It had been a mistake to bring them here tonight. She had hoped that this could be the first step in bringing back a sense of normalcy in her life. At the start, she knew she wasn't strong enough to even hear Azriel's name in casual conversation so when she pulled away, she pulled back from the two of them as well.Ā
Elain had thought enough time had passed, she thought she was ready.
She had told herself all day that she could handle this.
Oh, how wrong she had been.
After arriving at the bar, Elain had casually asked what her brother-in-laws were doing.
Simple.
Innocent.
Feyre explained that they were having a night out on the town and it was then that she spoke Azriel's name for the first time. Elain had downed the contents of the glass in front of her then too, quickly shouting to the bartender to make the next round a double before she realized that her sisters were giving her a strange look.
That had been several drinks ago.
A man touched her hips, pulling her in closer to dance. Elain leaned into his touch and, after a moment, let her hips settle against him as she danced in time with the music.Ā
There was no reason to feel guilty.Ā
None.
Not when Azriel had made it obvious that her feelings were just a one sided obsession that would never go further.Ā
The stranger let his hands trail over her, his finger tips brushing gently against the exposed skin of her arms.
Memories flashed in her mind, Azriel's scared hand pulling back from her with a jerk. The shame of it all twisting through her stomach once more as a wave of despair crashed over her. Ā
In an instant she was pushing away from the stranger, twisting and bouncing away until she was further inside the crowd of people.Ā
Though she become a regular in recent weeks, Elain hated this dingy little hipster bar on the west side. It was dirty and the air conditioner was shit so she always felt sticky in the summer heat.
The only good thing she could say about it was that the drinks were strong, making it so her memories of this place were nothing more than constant blur of bodies moving past her.Ā
She hated it.
Elain missed the nights spent at the quiet bar near the townhouse, the one with the booth they used to all sit around. That is where they should all be right now; in their booth, his arm tossed casually behind her as they all laughed at something ridiculous Cassian or Rhys had just said.
Her stomach surged as she thought of where he might be now.
Probably in a glitzy club downtown. Probably with her. Elain had gone with them to places like that, never truly enjoying herself but finding solace in his presence.
Suddenly, it all became too much and Elain pushed her way out of the crowd to a trash can in the corner near the DJ stand.Ā
"Alright, its time for you to go." A gruff male voice was saying as she emptied her stomach.
"We've got her." Nesta said forcefully from somewhere right behind her. Elain felt her sister's cold hands grasp her upper arm but Elain jerked out of her touch.Ā
When she was finally confident that she could walk to the front door without getting sick on the dance floor, Elain stood, straightening her back as much as possible.Ā
She could see Feyre near the door, her phone pressed to her ear, a frantic look plastered over her face as she spoke to whoever was on the other end. Rhys, probably.Ā
With as much dignity as she could muster, Elain walked towards her, shaking off Nesta's second attempt to physically steer her.Ā
As she neared Feyre, Elain flashed both of her sisters a look, silently daring them to say anything. Feyre glanced down at the floor, falling in step behind them but not before Elain saw the pitting look Feyre gave her.Ā
Anger licked its way through Elain, causing the skin on her chest and neck to flush. How dare they judge her after all of the mistakes they had done?
Had Elain judged them? No.
Not when Nesta had slept with half the men in the city.
Not when Feyre ran away from home with that psychopath.Ā
And Elain, who had always kept herself on such a tight leash would be damned if she let them judge her now. She didn't even care if it would cause a scene.
Hell, it would be nice to lose control for once.
Elain threw open the front door and the night air washed over her. As she took a deep breath in, she let the cool air fill her lungs. She turned to face her sisters, ready to fight but froze. The hot anger that had coursed its way through Elain's blood so quickly disappeared as fast as it had come, leaving her cold and drained.Ā
She had expected judgement, maybe even disgust, but both of her sisters had a look of understanding that shook her more than she had ever imagined.Ā
Elain walked over to the side of the building, raising a hand to brace herself against the brick wall. The world was spinning and she needed something, anything, to anchor her in place.Ā
She hadn't even realized she was crying until Nesta threw an arm over her shoulder and Elain instinctively turned into her. She felt Nesta wrap her arms around her, pulling her in closer and Elain's chest opened as she let the tears fall thick and heavy.Ā
Shit.
Shit.
How had she let this happen? How had she let herself fall for a man who could Ā never love her in return?
He had been honest with her from the moment they met, confiding in her about his intimacy and trust issues from his abusive childhood. Still, they had grown close. They were able to find peace with one another when their friends and family became too loud. The two of them had traded in secrets of heart ache and pain until the hurt was soothed to be masked with laughter and joy.Ā
Elain had only ever wanted to be friends with him. She had been grateful to have someone she could open up to after the disastrous end with Grayson.Ā
She had never wanted these feelings but they crept up so slowly, infecting her very essence until every cell hummed with the desire to be with him.Ā
The pain with Grayson made sense.Ā
Of course, she should be sad for that loss. That was a pain that was commonly understood.
But how was she supposed to explain this?
How could she even begin to make people understand that the love she had for Azriel made her feelings towards Grayson feel like cobwebs? How could she let people know that, though he had never truly been hers, she had felt that her soul had somehow been made of the same substance?Ā
A slight intake of breath from Feyre caused Elain to pull back from Nesta's embrace.Ā
A black sedan had pulled up to the curb in front of them and Elain was able to make out Rhys in the driver seat. Feyre instantly rushed towards the front door but Rhys held up a hand, halting Feyre.
Elain wiped her eyes, startled by what she was seeing.
In the years they had been together, Elain had only ever seen her brother-in-law let his anger slip through his calm faƧade on a select few occasions. Those moments were tied to some of Elain's most painful memories: him returning home from Mor's court case saying that the judge had sided with her abuser, watching their father try to explain why he walked out their lives after their mother had passed away, finding out that Cassian's father had known he became homeless at a young age yet chose to do nothing.Ā
Now, he was visibly angry and she watched as his mouth moved, clearly arguing with someone before punching a button on his car's console.Ā
Fear washed over Elain.Ā
Rhys pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment before his shoulders relaxed. There was the sound of a soft click as the door unlocked before Elain was being pulled into the backseat by Nesta.
A stillness that settled over them. Elain couldn't make out the quiet whispers exchanged between Rhys and Feyre but Elain knew that they were talking about her. Elain wanted to apologize but the words were stuck in her throat
Instead of saying anything, Elain leaned into Neta. Quiet tears fell down her cheeks as, in the darkness of the backseat, she admitted to herself that she truly was pathetic. Her chest burned with the shame of it all.Ā
She closed her eyes, so tired of the constant pain in her chest. She prayed for it to stop until the dark blanket of sleep settled over her.Ā
The next morning was terrible.Ā
It took longer than Elian would care to admit for her to roll herself out of bed and stumble into a warm shower.Ā
She felt sick.
Her head was pounding and her body ached in ways that she hadn't imagined possible. Then there was the shame. She cringed as flashes of last night resurfaced.Ā
She couldnāt remember how exactly she had gotten into her apartment and into bed. There was a vague memory of someone carrying her.Ā
Exactly what she wanted. Her brother-in-law to have to carry her into bed because her dumbass had fallen in love with one of his best friends and didnāt know how to cope with his rejection like a flipping adult.Ā
Elain wanted to crawl back in bed and pretend nothing ever happened but she made herself look at her phone. 7 messages from Feyre, 3 from Nesta.Ā
She knew what they would say.. That they were worried about her but she needed to knock it off because getting blackout drunk by herself in a seedy neighborhood was just an unnecessary risk for her to be taking.Ā
Still, it hurt to read them.
Ā The right thing to do would be to message them back at the very least but Elain didn't feel like being mature yet. Instead, she put on a fresh pair of leggings and a tank top to at least be a tiny bit presentable so she could stop by the coffee shop down the corner from her apartment.Ā
She could face the rest after she had a little caffeine in her.Ā
She pulled open her front door and let out a scream.
Sitting on the floor against the wall across from her door was none other than Azriel.
He had been dozing but her piercing scream of fright turned into horrified surprise had jolted him away. Now she was staring into his hazel eyes for the first time in week. With each blink, the sleep cleared from his face to be replaced by a cold anger.
AN: I havenāt really proof read this. Its just.. Iāve had this idea floating around my head so I decided to put the metaphorical pen to paper to get it out. This is just a one shot of why Elriel makes sense to me š¤·āāļø Iām also posting this on mobile so please forgive me for any formatting issues and what not.
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Elain watched in silence as Azriel faded into shadows, the voices around them growing more raucous by the second.
He had been doing it more lately.
Or, perhaps she was only now able to see it.
It was hard to tell.
She loosed a long breath as she looked around the table.
No one else seemed to have noticed. They were all focused on Feyre as she regaled the inner circle and their guests with the story of how she had found out Rhys was her mate.
Elain couldn't stop the amused grin that spread across her face as she watched Kallias and Viviane laugh at Feyre's tale. Her eyes flicked towards Azriel once again and her grin quickly faded.
"Az." She whispered.
The darkness disappeared in an instant, his anxious eyes darting around the room, searching for a threat, before they finally fixed on her.
Elain gave him a slight smile and he dipped his head, eyes softening.
Though she turned her eyes away from him, pain tugged at her chest at that momentary flash of panic that had consumed him. She understood that feeling all too well.
Everyone had thought that Elain had mastered her visions years ago, before the final battles of the war, but the truth was that she had only really started gaining full control over the last several weeks.
True, it had been years since the visions had held her in their grasp, fully consuming her to the point that her eyes glazed over and she couldn't differentiate the present from the future when she spoke but that didn't mean they hadn't continued to plague her.
For years she had felt them tickle at the edges of her mind as the fog and whispers fought to take center stage. It had been a constant effort to push them aside.
No one had known, save Azriel, that she had struggled.
"Listen," Feyre exclaimed, "I was absolutely pissed at you for not telling me but I also didn't understand how it could be true!"
"It's important to remember," Rhys drawled to Kallias in a stage whisper, "that the Feyre we know and love today wasn't who I was dealing with then. She had thought she wasn't my equal."
"Oh, please!" Vivianne said between laughter.
"I was still newly made." Feyre shrugged, a genuine smile plastered on her face. "I didn't know the extent of my powers."
"Well, your story is sweet but Viv should tell their story." Mor interjected with a waggle of her eyebrows.
Elain stood up quickly as a flush spread across her neck. She had heard this story once before and had no desire to hear it again.
"Dessert!" She exclaimed, "I just remembered, I have dessert in the kitchen. I'll be right back."
Once she was in the safety of the kitchen, she braced her hands on the counter as she let her head fall forward. A dark chuckle sounded from the doorframe.
Elain whipped around to see Azriel standing there, arms crossed over his chest. The blue siphons on his hands glinted in the fae light.
"I figured you could use a hand." He said, pushing himself off the door frame and coming to her side to help prepare the tray.
"A coinvent excuse." She muttered but grinned up at him none the less.
They worked in silence. Elain chewed on her lip as she tried to make the mess of feelings clanging around in her head into something more solid. Setting down the knife she had been using to slice the tiered cake, she turned to look at her friend.
"Thank you."
He let out a huff. "I am happy to help but, trust me, I feel you're doing me a favor. I really don't need to hear about the exact look on Kallias' face when the bond snapped in place for them. Again."
His wings ruffled slightly in agitation.
"No, not for that. Thank you for being there for me."
Azriel set down the plates he had been laying out to turn to look at her. Now that his full gaze was on her, Elain felt heat blossom on her cheeks.
"It's just, with Feyre describing her conversation with the Suriel, it got me thinking."
She paused, struggling to find the words as Azriel continued to look at her, giving her the time to formulate her thoughts.
"Feyre is Rhysand's equal even though their powers aren't the same. I don't know what it's like to be a shadowsinger but you the only person who has ever understood me, my powers. You see me. This may be silly but I hope that you know that I am here for you as well."
He opened his mouth before shutting it, brows furrowing as his head cocked to the side.
"Forget I said anything," she muttered, turning back to the cake.
She tried to cause a distraction for the both of them, clattering the plates and utensils about. She was making more noise than needed but Elain was keenly aware that Azriel hadn't turned back to resume his work and she could feel the weight of his stare.
The flush was spreading now, down her throat and onto her chest. Elain moved faster, finishing in record time.
With a sigh, she prepared herself to turn and face her friend but Azriel grabbed the tray and disappeared into shadow.
Elain began to gnaw on her bottom lip once more.
She shouldn't have said anything.
Elain returned to the dining room, not even the slightest bit surprised to learn that Azriel had excused himself for the rest of the evening moments before she had arrived.
She had expected it but the knowledge had still left her feeling a little empty inside. She moved to the side of the room to sit alone for some time, quietly observing the group as she thought of dynamic of her relationship with Azriel.
Elain valued his companionship beyond all the others. She thought of that first day in the garden, the first time he had mentioned that he didn't always feel like he belonged. He had been trying to make her feel better, to let her know that she wasn't alone in her isolation. In some weird way it had helped her, knowing that someone who had been with this group for so long still felt alone at times. But even in the haze, Elain had wanted to make his hurt go away.
At the beginning, when she was still so lost to her visions and could barely speak, she gave him some of her favorite flowers that she had grown. As time passed and she gained control, Elain had become more vocal in expressing how much she valued him in her life but there were still moments like this evening when he would try to push her away.
Making up her mind, Elain excused herself from the rest of the group.
She quietly walked up the steps, barely even noticing the tickle in her head of an impending vision. She passed her bedroom and continued down the hallway until she stood in front of Azriel's door.
With a shaking hand, she prepared to knock but the door opened before her hand made contact with the wood. Elain didn't bother waiting as she immediately stepped forward to cross over the threshold into Azriel's room.
She was plunged into complete darkness once the door shut behind her.
"Azriel?" She whispered tentatively.
She heard rustling from behind her and then a hand touched hers. She flinched in surprise at the contact and Azriel withdrew. Elain practically lunged in his direction, gripping tight to his arm.
"Please don't hide from me."
She felt his body relax and a moment later the shadows withdrew.
They stood in the center of his room, her refusing to let go of him.
Elain saw his eyebrows raise ever so slightly as she pulled him along so they could sit at the foot of his bed.
She slid her hands down, adjusting her grip so she held one of his massive hands between her own, cradling it in her lap.
The two sat in silence. After a moment, she moved to rest her head against his shoulder.
"You should be down with the others." He said quietly, his body remaining still and unrelenting as stone beneath her.
"They will be fine without me."
Azriel pulled away, disentangling himself from her. He stood up and walked across the room, bracing both hands against the dresser in the corner.
"So will I."
Elain had once heard Rhys compare Cassian to fire and Azriel to ice. She felt the shudder pass over her at his words but pushed on. "Let me rephrase that then: I would rather be with you."
He turned to look at her, the unfeeling mask cracking for just a moment to reveal the desperation beneath. "You can't say things like that. You can't say that the story with the Suriel reminds you of me."
"What do you mean? Azriel, you have been the best thing that has happened to me since I moved to Velaris."
He crossed his arms across his chest and he looked for all the world like he was preparing to fight her down on her own feelings.
She shook her head.
"It's like I said earlier - you are the only person who understands me."
"But that is the thing, Elain. You donāt understand me. Do you know what it means to be a shadowsinger?"
She tentatively nodded. "As much as you know what its like to be a seer."
"I torture people," he retorted. "You do not. That is the difference between you and I. We will never understand one another."
He turned his back on her once again, signaling quite clearly that the conversation was over but Elain refused to be dismissed so easily.
"Why?" Elain asked, voice hard.
"'Why' what?" He murmured.
"Why do you torture people?"
She gave him a moment but he kept his back towards her and she let out a long sigh.
"It is to protect us." Elain said in a voice barely above a whisper. "Everything you do, it is to protect us and for that, and for so many other reasons, I am happy you are in my life."
She watched as his shoulders sagged.
"You don't know what you are saying. If you truly knew, you wouldn't want me in your life."
She saw him shake his head but still, he didn't turn to look at her.
"I know why the Cauldron blessed me."
Azriel turned to look at her then, surprise coloring his features. She had always flatly refused to talk about her time in the Cauldron, even to Nesta.
"It told me. The Cauldron said that it felt sorry for me. Do you have any idea what it is like to have the Cauldron, the object that created the universe, look at all that you are and pity your very existence? It saw every moment I had lived and knew every thought I ever had. It saw all of me and came back with nothing more than a naĆÆve girl that deserved to be pitied. It gave me this new life so I could try again.
"When I was human, I spent so much of my life agonizing over the future. Would my father recover from his injuries? Was Feyre dead? Would Nesta ever marry a man who could keep her safe? The Cauldron made me a seer so I would no longer have to guess. It made sure I would know but I have found that knowledge is a curse. Do you know how many times I have seen you all die?"
She saw a muscle in his jaw flicker.
"I learned quickly that I can't help everyone, Azriel. I get to watch as my choices, my actions and inactions, hurt others. This weight is on my shoulders and I accept it so long as I can use it to keep you all safe."
Azriel opened his mouth but Elain plunged on.
"And then there is Lucien.ā
Azrielās eyes widened at this. They had never really talked about this. He had stood by her side when she announced her decision to break the bond, even stepping between her and Feyre when her sister urged her to āthink it overā. But never had the two of them discussed why.
āWhen I was human, I loved a man who was wicked. I was blinded by his sweet words and noble title. The Cauldron knew he would never love me once I was made so it gave me Lucien. A male who would have not one but two claims to a throne. A good male of noble lineage who would one day allow me to be higher socially than I had ever imagined. A male who would love me beyond my wildest dreams, who would care for me and give me a life I couldnāt even begin to fathom. Being mated to him would allow me, simple Elain, to have a purpose and bridge the gap between Spring and Night. It would have allowed us to make an alliance that would be so strong that it would ensure peace amongst the courts even after we are all nothing more than dust."
She let out a small, humorless laugh.
"But you and I both know how that worked out. Turns out, I didn't actually want Lucien. I know how Feyre feels on the matter, even if she would never say it to my face now that the bond is broken. I know that everyone thinks I made a rash decision and that I didn't give him a chance."
She shook her head in sadness and frustration. "I knew exactly what I gave up when I rejected the bond. I don't want that life."
Azriel pushed himself off the dresser, moving purposefully towards her. Elain watched every movement with bated breath until he stopped before her.
"So what do you want now, Elain?"
Her eyes went hazy for a moment. When they cleared, she gave him a blinding smile at the future ahead.
I donāt have any plans to continue with this right now but I do have some other works (including some Elriel / ACOTAR!!) in progress that will hopefully be put up this weekend!!
AN: I havenāt really proof read this. Its just.. Iāve had this idea floating around my head so I decided to put the metaphorical pen to paper to get it out. This is just a one shot of why Elriel makes sense to me š¤·āāļø Iām also posting this on mobile so please forgive me for any formatting issues and what not.
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Elain watched in silence as Azriel faded into shadows, the voices around them growing more raucous by the second.
He had been doing it more lately.
Or, perhaps she was only now able to see it.
It was hard to tell.
She loosed a long breath as she looked around the table.
No one else seemed to have noticed. They were all focused on Feyre as she regaled the inner circle and their guests with the story of how she had found out Rhys was her mate.
Elain couldn't stop the amused grin that spread across her face as she watched Kallias and Viviane laugh at Feyre's tale. Her eyes flicked towards Azriel once again and her grin quickly faded.
"Az." She whispered.
The darkness disappeared in an instant, his anxious eyes darting around the room, searching for a threat, before they finally fixed on her.
Elain gave him a slight smile and he dipped his head, eyes softening.
Though she turned her eyes away from him, pain tugged at her chest at that momentary flash of panic that had consumed him. She understood that feeling all too well.
Everyone had thought that Elain had mastered her visions years ago, before the final battles of the war, but the truth was that she had only really started gaining full control over the last several weeks.
True, it had been years since the visions had held her in their grasp, fully consuming her to the point that her eyes glazed over and she couldn't differentiate the present from the future when she spoke but that didn't mean they hadn't continued to plague her.
For years she had felt them tickle at the edges of her mind as the fog and whispers fought to take center stage. It had been a constant effort to push them aside.
No one had known, save Azriel, that she had struggled.
"Listen," Feyre exclaimed, "I was absolutely pissed at you for not telling me but I also didn't understand how it could be true!"
"It's important to remember," Rhys drawled to Kallias in a stage whisper, "that the Feyre we know and love today wasn't who I was dealing with then. She had thought she wasn't my equal."
"Oh, please!" Vivianne said between laughter.
"I was still newly made." Feyre shrugged, a genuine smile plastered on her face. "I didn't know the extent of my powers."
"Well, your story is sweet but Viv should tell their story." Mor interjected with a waggle of her eyebrows.
Elain stood up quickly as a flush spread across her neck. She had heard this story once before and had no desire to hear it again.
"Dessert!" She exclaimed, "I just remembered, I have dessert in the kitchen. I'll be right back."
Once she was in the safety of the kitchen, she braced her hands on the counter as she let her head fall forward. A dark chuckle sounded from the doorframe.
Elain whipped around to see Azriel standing there, arms crossed over his chest. The blue siphons on his hands glinted in the fae light.
"I figured you could use a hand." He said, pushing himself off the door frame and coming to her side to help prepare the tray.
"A coinvent excuse." She muttered but grinned up at him none the less.
They worked in silence. Elain chewed on her lip as she tried to make the mess of feelings clanging around in her head into something more solid. Setting down the knife she had been using to slice the tiered cake, she turned to look at her friend.
"Thank you."
He let out a huff. "I am happy to help but, trust me, I feel you're doing me a favor. I really don't need to hear about the exact look on Kallias' face when the bond snapped in place for them. Again."
His wings ruffled slightly in agitation.
"No, not for that. Thank you for being there for me."
Azriel set down the plates he had been laying out to turn to look at her. Now that his full gaze was on her, Elain felt heat blossom on her cheeks.
"It's just, with Feyre describing her conversation with the Suriel, it got me thinking."
She paused, struggling to find the words as Azriel continued to look at her, giving her the time to formulate her thoughts.
"Feyre is Rhysand's equal even though their powers aren't the same. I don't know what it's like to be a shadowsinger but you the only person who has ever understood me, my powers. You see me. This may be silly but I hope that you know that I am here for you as well."
He opened his mouth before shutting it, brows furrowing as his head cocked to the side.
"Forget I said anything," she muttered, turning back to the cake.
She tried to cause a distraction for the both of them, clattering the plates and utensils about. She was making more noise than needed but Elain was keenly aware that Azriel hadn't turned back to resume his work and she could feel the weight of his stare.
The flush was spreading now, down her throat and onto her chest. Elain moved faster, finishing in record time.
With a sigh, she prepared herself to turn and face her friend but Azriel grabbed the tray and disappeared into shadow.
Elain began to gnaw on her bottom lip once more.
She shouldn't have said anything.
Elain returned to the dining room, not even the slightest bit surprised to learn that Azriel had excused himself for the rest of the evening moments before she had arrived.
She had expected it but the knowledge had still left her feeling a little empty inside. She moved to the side of the room to sit alone for some time, quietly observing the group as she thought of dynamic of her relationship with Azriel.
Elain valued his companionship beyond all the others. She thought of that first day in the garden, the first time he had mentioned that he didn't always feel like he belonged. He had been trying to make her feel better, to let her know that she wasn't alone in her isolation. In some weird way it had helped her, knowing that someone who had been with this group for so long still felt alone at times. But even in the haze, Elain had wanted to make his hurt go away.
At the beginning, when she was still so lost to her visions and could barely speak, she gave him some of her favorite flowers that she had grown. As time passed and she gained control, Elain had become more vocal in expressing how much she valued him in her life but there were still moments like this evening when he would try to push her away.
Making up her mind, Elain excused herself from the rest of the group.
She quietly walked up the steps, barely even noticing the tickle in her head of an impending vision. She passed her bedroom and continued down the hallway until she stood in front of Azriel's door.
With a shaking hand, she prepared to knock but the door opened before her hand made contact with the wood. Elain didn't bother waiting as she immediately stepped forward to cross over the threshold into Azriel's room.
She was plunged into complete darkness once the door shut behind her.
"Azriel?" She whispered tentatively.
She heard rustling from behind her and then a hand touched hers. She flinched in surprise at the contact and Azriel withdrew. Elain practically lunged in his direction, gripping tight to his arm.
"Please don't hide from me."
She felt his body relax and a moment later the shadows withdrew.
They stood in the center of his room, her refusing to let go of him.
Elain saw his eyebrows raise ever so slightly as she pulled him along so they could sit at the foot of his bed.
She slid her hands down, adjusting her grip so she held one of his massive hands between her own, cradling it in her lap.
The two sat in silence. After a moment, she moved to rest her head against his shoulder.
"You should be down with the others." He said quietly, his body remaining still and unrelenting as stone beneath her.
"They will be fine without me."
Azriel pulled away, disentangling himself from her. He stood up and walked across the room, bracing both hands against the dresser in the corner.
"So will I."
Elain had once heard Rhys compare Cassian to fire and Azriel to ice. She felt the shudder pass over her at his words but pushed on. "Let me rephrase that then: I would rather be with you."
He turned to look at her, the unfeeling mask cracking for just a moment to reveal the desperation beneath. "You can't say things like that. You can't say that the story with the Suriel reminds you of me."
"What do you mean? Azriel, you have been the best thing that has happened to me since I moved to Velaris."
He crossed his arms across his chest and he looked for all the world like he was preparing to fight her down on her own feelings.
She shook her head.
"It's like I said earlier - you are the only person who understands me."
"But that is the thing, Elain. You donāt understand me. Do you know what it means to be a shadowsinger?"
She tentatively nodded. "As much as you know what its like to be a seer."
"I torture people," he retorted. "You do not. That is the difference between you and I. We will never understand one another."
He turned his back on her once again, signaling quite clearly that the conversation was over but Elain refused to be dismissed so easily.
"Why?" Elain asked, voice hard.
"'Why' what?" He murmured.
"Why do you torture people?"
She gave him a moment but he kept his back towards her and she let out a long sigh.
"It is to protect us." Elain said in a voice barely above a whisper. "Everything you do, it is to protect us and for that, and for so many other reasons, I am happy you are in my life."
She watched as his shoulders sagged.
"You don't know what you are saying. If you truly knew, you wouldn't want me in your life."
She saw him shake his head but still, he didn't turn to look at her.
"I know why the Cauldron blessed me."
Azriel turned to look at her then, surprise coloring his features. She had always flatly refused to talk about her time in the Cauldron, even to Nesta.
"It told me. The Cauldron said that it felt sorry for me. Do you have any idea what it is like to have the Cauldron, the object that created the universe, look at all that you are and pity your very existence? It saw every moment I had lived and knew every thought I ever had. It saw all of me and came back with nothing more than a naĆÆve girl that deserved to be pitied. It gave me this new life so I could try again.
"When I was human, I spent so much of my life agonizing over the future. Would my father recover from his injuries? Was Feyre dead? Would Nesta ever marry a man who could keep her safe? The Cauldron made me a seer so I would no longer have to guess. It made sure I would know but I have found that knowledge is a curse. Do you know how many times I have seen you all die?"
She saw a muscle in his jaw flicker.
"I learned quickly that I can't help everyone, Azriel. I get to watch as my choices, my actions and inactions, hurt others. This weight is on my shoulders and I accept it so long as I can use it to keep you all safe."
Azriel opened his mouth but Elain plunged on.
"And then there is Lucien.ā
Azrielās eyes widened at this. They had never really talked about this. He had stood by her side when she announced her decision to break the bond, even stepping between her and Feyre when her sister urged her to āthink it overā. But never had the two of them discussed why.
āWhen I was human, I loved a man who was wicked. I was blinded by his sweet words and noble title. The Cauldron knew he would never love me once I was made so it gave me Lucien. A male who would have not one but two claims to a throne. A good male of noble lineage who would one day allow me to be higher socially than I had ever imagined. A male who would love me beyond my wildest dreams, who would care for me and give me a life I couldnāt even begin to fathom. Being mated to him would allow me, simple Elain, to have a purpose and bridge the gap between Spring and Night. It would have allowed us to make an alliance that would be so strong that it would ensure peace amongst the courts even after we are all nothing more than dust."
She let out a small, humorless laugh.
"But you and I both know how that worked out. Turns out, I didn't actually want Lucien. I know how Feyre feels on the matter, even if she would never say it to my face now that the bond is broken. I know that everyone thinks I made a rash decision and that I didn't give him a chance."
She shook her head in sadness and frustration. "I knew exactly what I gave up when I rejected the bond. I don't want that life."
Azriel pushed himself off the dresser, moving purposefully towards her. Elain watched every movement with bated breath until he stopped before her.
"So what do you want now, Elain?"
Her eyes went hazy for a moment. When they cleared, she gave him a blinding smile at the future ahead.
