Shadow Sanctuary

A place for three broken people to share their broken minds in freedom. Creating Art, Writings, and Poetry to give the world a glimpse into our minds.

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Listen

You say you want to help me, Want to fix my broken mind. But when I came to see you, I left  with senses blind.

You asked me to be aware Of my breath and heartbeat. But listening for them, Leaves me a piece of meat

That Shadow latches onto, With whispers dark and cruel. Her voice tells me I’m useless, Makes me feel like a fool.

So tell me oh dear doctor, Is this how it should be? Is giving Shadow freedom, How you want to help me?

Am I the true imposter? Am I the problem here? Is it really my fault that your Advice brought me to tears?

I want to feel I’m useful, Not just a useless part. But that won’t happen if I have to listen to my heart.

~ Shadow Fox

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Muted Sadness

Silence has consumed me My voice lost to the void I didn't realise until It was too late to avoid. The things that trigger me Are not really what you'd except Instead of ropes I find I'm Triggered by a vague concept. The concept that I could be forced To leave my safety space The concept that I should not be Stuck here in the first place The memories of times That I was too afraid to leave The fear I felt of talking Was more than you could believe And now my shadow has taken My voice away from me. I'm like the little mermaid I'm trapped under the sea... ~Shadow Fox

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A bit of “Real Talk”

Shadow Fox here.

So the past couple of days have seen a massive content-dump on my part. I’ve written four poems and drawn several pictures in attempts to calm the storm in my mind.

I know what caused this relapse, although it didn’t become apparent to me until these past three days how much the event in question did affect me.

Last weekend was my birthday, and so I drove up to see my parents for a few days, boyfriend in tow. Everything was pretty good, and we had a lot of fun. 

However, on our final night, my parents triggered me; badly.

One of my greatest triggers, I have found, is people telling me that they understand, that it’ll get better as I get older (I’m 22, I don’t think this is hormones anymore...), that everyone has problems. There are good reasons these things trigger me that I will not go into now.

My parents kept saying these things to me, and although I begged them to stop, even while crying, they would not. Eventually it got too much and I completely broke down, running up to my old room where my boyfriend was waiting and crying my god-damn eyes out.

A few minutes later my Dad came to the door. It was not to apologise. Instead, he got angry at me for upsetting my mum.

Here-in lies the problem.

All my life, it’s been her over me. Everytime she upset me, I was the one to apologise, and last weekend was no different. My dad told me to go and apologise to my mum, when all I had done was ask them nicely to stop saying things that would trigger me.

There are many behaviours like this that my parents drilled into me... And they have the power to destroy every carefully built wall in mere seconds.

So thanks to them, I have relapsed. I have not been able to go to work for three days running now and I cut today for the first time in months.

I was recovering, but they destroyed that...

And I can never tell them it’s their fault, because it would all just happen again.

~ Shadow Fox

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Escape

Escaping into made up worlds, Of joy and fantasy, I wish I never had to leave, And join reality.

Reality is harsh and cruel, When you're lost in the dark. And though I try to get along, It seems I've lost that spark

Of happiness that made me strong, When I was only young. For now I have the bitter taste, Of sadness on my tongue.

All I can do is to pretend, That everything is fine. But it would seem I cannot hide, This tortured mind of mine.

I smile and try to play along, But even then you see. The truth that seeps out of my mind, The sorrow deep in me.

They broke my mind and spirit too, Though they may never know. For years I tried to deny it, But felt my anger grow

For all the lessons I was taught, That were burned in my mind. For all the times they left me there, Alone to stumble blind

And deaf to truth and reason they Would never comfort me. And then he lied and made me think, That we were meant to be.

He was the light that got me through, Until he broke my heart, And once my fragile heart shattered, The pieces stayed apart.

And everyday is still the same, I feel like I'm a fake, For smiling happily at you, And ignoring the ache

Within my bones to hurt myself, To cut in with the knife, To bang my head against the wall, To cut short my own life.

I feel like I'll never be free, From all that's in my head, And so I'll keep escaping it, Until I wind up dead.

~ Shadow Fox

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Again

Today I cut my skin again, I dragged the blade along, Today I fell apart again, It's still the same old song.

I think I'm getting better but, It drags me down again, It begs me, telling me to cut, And I'm in hell again.

I don't know how to heal again, To pick the pieces up. It will all be the same again, I drink from the same cup.

The blood pooled from my wrist today, I'm sure it will again, Despite how I might say "no way", I will succumb again.

And I will fall back down again, Into the same dark pit. I'll forget how to breath again, To terror I'll submit.

Oh will I ever find a way, To feel alive again? Can I keep the dark at bay, And be human again?

~ Shadow Fox

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A sketch inspired by "The Day I Die" by Yusukekira on YouTube. This song really hit home with me because it describes very accurately how I felt in high school regarding a painful rejection (which was the basis for my own little poem/song "What could have been?")... it still haunts me and a part of me still loves him even six years on... I hate that part of me. ~ Shadow Fox

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A sketch inspired by "Asthma", a vocaloid song by Reoni on YouTube. It's a brilliant song which really captures the struggle of mental illness. ~ Shadow Fox

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A sketch of a character from my novel (which I doubt will ever be finished but oh well...) - because I like to torture my characters... ~ Shadow Fox

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What Could Have Been?

The "what if"s, The "maybe"s, The "please no"s, The "save me"s. The words that we never said to each other Still haunt my thoughts....

It still hurts, It's been years, But that won't, Stop the tears That fall when I think Of what could have been, But I'll never know.

Because you said no, Because I don't know, Because we never tried...

It's stuck in my head, The words that you said, The feelings I couldn't hide.

I know nothing will change.... But I still think, all the same... Of what could have been.

I know I Was senseless. A dreamer; Relentless. I imagined you just Being mine I must Have been insane...

But I have A life now, Although I Don't know how. Cause somebody chose me As their one and only, And I chose them.

But still no matter what....

Because you said no, Because I don't know, Because we never tried...

It's stuck in my head, The words that you said, The feelings I couldn't hide.

I know nothing will change.... But I still think, all the same... Of what could have been.

Oh what could have been...?

~ Shadow Fox

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Lately I've been doing a lot of pictures in this pencil and pen combo style. Since today saw another breakdown - that's two days in a row when I had been doing very well - I decided it was about time to do a drawing of shadow... she looks a bit like a ninja serial killer now that I think about it. ~ Shadow Fox

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Endless Darkness

I don't know why, It strikes me now, When I was on the mend. I wish I knew, How I could find, This darkened tunnel's end.

But every time, I see the light, It slips out of my reach, And I am washed, Out to the sea, Like a shell left on the beach.

My broken past, Her haunting words, They torture me all day, And then at night, The shadow crawls, And stalks me as her prey.

Please make it stop, I want to feel, The sunlight on my skin, But I don't think, I'll ever beat, The darkness that's within...

~ Shadow Fox

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The Shadow

(This is my lyrics to the FNAF song “Painted Faces”, about my shadow.)

She just won't leave me be... She holds my throat so I can't speak. When she's there I can't sleep. I wonder why she haunts me.

The shadow rears her head tonight She fills my mind with fright. Her darkness overpowers me. She wakes Please help me fight. Show me the light. Save me tonight.

I don't know how to smile. I'm trapped in terror all the while. My mouth is filled with bile. I wonder why I cannot see.

The shadow rears her head tonight She fills my mind with fright. Her darkness overpowers me. She wakes Please help me fight. Show me the light. Save me tonight.

Triggered by the slightest thing She breaks out of her cage. The darkness forms a fire that spreads her sadness and her rage.

She just won't leave me be... I wish that she would set me free. Oh can I ever flee? I wonder why she haunts me?

The shadow rears her head tonight She fills my mind with fright. Her darkness overpowers me. I break, An endless game... Always the same... It starts again...

~ Shadow Fox

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These scars will always haunt me. They look worst one day passed. But they are always here, They will forever last.

The shadow of my mind, Will always tear me down. And it will always fell me If you are not around.

And now I’ve broken here, Where I should have control, Where I am most important, Where I have a role.

But that will never cover, These scars that haunt my mind, Because when shadow haunts me My reason is made blind…

~ Shadow Fox

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As promised, a digital version of Shadow.

~ Shadow Fox

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Here is a painting I just finished, to relieve stress after a frankly soul-destroying week which involved a major relapse… Me, battered and bleeding after shadow strikes.

~ Shadow Fox

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There are at least two kinds of people in this world:

Those with a brain, but no heart,

They cannot relate, but are considered smart.

Those with a heart, but no brain,

They are not smart, but understand others pain.

Both are good people, just in different ways,

So think about your advice, and how to say.

~ Void Raven

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Lights

Life is like a dark tunnel, you're always moving forward, not quite knowing where you are heading, or how far you have come, and sometimes you want to give up. But every so often, a light appears to brighten your day. Do you want to miss the next light?

~ Shadow Fox