wyldshae

[shae817]

i watched a little short on youtube and found it very relatable, and then went on a rant once i read the comments because... it felt like the commenters didn't really seem to comprehend the media's fixation on yaoi/achillean/mlm, which often overrules the quality/frequency of sapphic media.

all of it gets much more attention and media in general, ranging between books, movies, and even digital artforms. i'm not getting into the why of THAT, but i will get into the why of me and possibly others being bitter; i am a sapphic and i want representation. i don't get that outside of the occasional drama, a webtoon with sapphics that have accentuated and oversexualized feminine traits, and music which is often covering toxic sapphic relationships/themes anyways. i'm bitter and that's on me. but that doesn't disqualify that, the majority of the time, even queer media is male-centric. this isn't a jab against men, this is just what i've observed and could probably be backed by data that i don't care to find.

it's rare for sapphics to get healthy, popular, and in-depth representation. THAT is why i am upset, because it codes even more inferiority than was already there for me being born a queer woman in a world where there IS prejudice. because if heated rivalry was between two woman, the views would have been down. because heartstopper is a beautiful masterpiece, but there is no sapphic counterpart with the same amount of popularity. because when i DO see a lesbian relationship in media, they are always portrayed in a SEXUAL (insinuating that it was designed to draw the male gaze) or UNHEALTHY/OBSESSIVE WAY. and it really sucks.

i am all for respecting opinions. neither are bad. i love all LGBTQ+ representation, and apart from that, i love seeing two people happy together whether they be fictional or not, because love is love and imo things shouldn't be confined to LGBTQ+ vs. non-LGBTQ+ because THESE terms are what confine society into toxic mindsets.

[shae817]

this is all-consuming. someone put me down.

anywho, i wish drift would just snap already. like properly call aj out—because aj has NOT been real with her and drift has opened her arms countless times, and so aj walks up to her and leans towards her without touching, calls her pretty and tells her she'll try to be real, and drift is enough of a fool to think that the proximity counts as an embrace.

drift has begged for aj to be HONEST, and aj has slithered her way out of each conversation.

i know why—at least, i think i understand. aj is afraid that if drift sees the real her, drift will turn away. so aj puts on the front, lets it sit, leans into the insanity when she thinks it gives her control, and it only gets her feet stuck in the mud. they're both in fucking limbo and they felt the warmth of the other and thought they were moving forward, but they knew nothing around them was changing. and now aj's uprooted herself and trying to run, thinking that's what she wants.

it's like she's got the drift's earth on her skin, is itching at it like that'll make it go away, but it sinks deeper, smears, and leaves red marks and rashes from her damn nails.

it's like drift watches her go and stays sat in the mud, cries and begs for the earth to help her manifest and grow a shriveled, blackened rose. ignoring the decay that blends with the earth.

i'm going to put them in that jail cell and make them TALK to each other istg

guys this is all that's on my mind someone save me. i can't focus on my pre-semester work anymore. i need to slaughter the fixation

[shae817]

several posts within minutes, too many different thoughts, sorry not sorry

but they're gonna hug right?

cause i need to see them hug, like in character

(with aj not beaten, bruised or bloody. thanks guys)

[shae817]

yk the funny part about driftsey?

aj's never been honest.

and it tears me up because i want her and drift to just BE OKAY so so badly

drift does not know aj, man, and i hear her say it every time they talk but she's wrong. aj hasn't shown herself to drift. they banter and the only time aj has been honest is when she said she wanted drift. aj knows drift, on some surface level, and drift knows aj in the same way. they've each seen hints of the real other, but it's never been stripped down and accepted.

but be so real with me right now, they don't know each other yet still they're so invested.

and it'd be so easy, frankly, for them to sit down and have a real, honest-to-gay fucking CONVERSATION. but aj can't do that. drift wants to, but aj stops it in its tracks each and every time

aj can't do it. aj can't.

and drift is drawn to it.

they both like a challenge, right?

they don't like it when it's easy.

[shae817]

"When I look at her, I see it—it’s in her eyes, on her tongue, coloring her hands an unmistakable shade of blue.

I didn’t think I’d ever see her again, but I hoped and hoped. I wished things could change.

They have changed. I walked through that door and I saw her.

But she’s something different, now. Someone different. Still all the same complex layers—with some more, from the ruin I caused.

Even so, fundamentally, she’s the same. And I know her, I know her so well, better than she could ever admit.

I think that's why I see it, clearer than even her, the few times I’ve been in the same room as them.

When her eyes are on me, there’s nothing substantial in them, only indifference and pettiness sheltering hurt.

When they go to her—

I can't stand it.

It’s like she’s her god.

I think she's all she really thinks about. That’s the only word in her mind—a name. Anything else is falsehoods which lay the foundation, they are the bricks which build the walls, they are the spikes which grow sharp enough to kill.

Her name, on repeat. I can almost hear her voice crack—I can tell she’s doing damage actively, excessively, trying to tear it all apart—

But it’s her in her head.

And there’s no admittance, that’s what drives me mad. She’s found her. She’s found it. Yet I can tell they still haven’t spoken the words to each other.

Every time I talk to her, I see it in her pain. In the way her mouth twists. In the way she walks.

She is in love, so deep in that it has buried her and she can’t breathe, so she claws the muck away. As if that could ever save her heart.

When I see them look at each other—

Oh, how the bandit has fallen.

For us, it was young.

For them,

It is devotion."

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"This will ruin them."

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ok, so, i'm obsessed. and i've only watched aimsey's POV, so i don't know if this is ooc or not but i frankly don't care.

this wasn't written correctly. i had the idea and the feelings but i couldn't display it properly.

so i'll delve into it here.

this was inspired by "#ROTTENFRUIT I can't let you go" by @yourrenerd on youtube (idk if they have a tumblr. but go watch their shorts if you want your heart wrenched out)

this is ghostie, looking at aj, and seeing—beneath all those layers—how in love she is with drift. so much that she can't stand it, so much that an untold truth has shattered her, so much that her heart screams stop while her mouth spits venom if only for a break from how afraid she is. because if drift hates her for pushing her away, that stops her from actually hating aj. and aj can control that. aj can stand that. because she couldn't stand drift hating her for who she truly is.

this is ghostie reading it in aj's eyes, how aj will always look at drift and hides it so that no one will see that her entire soul craves drift's voice and touch. this is ghostie knowing.

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It is only ever going to be her, and you are ill with this fever. The longer it all goes unsaid, the deeper the thorns sink. Get out of your head and just FEEL it, you damned fool.

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anyways that's my take because i kind of get it even though the toxic yuri is like gutting me alive so stop?

and i love every metaphor i see in the fan community, every dot i connect with that help—drift's thorns pricking aj's skin, aj's withered rose drawing blood from drift's hands, their decaying hearts intertwined,

and that damned red string they swing and saw at but can't seem to sever.

so, this is my take on it all. i'm properly wrecked after this last one, after the argument. not letting this slide.

had to get this out somewhere 💔