Helplessly Hoping

DON’T REPORT JUST BLOCK ITS MY SAFE SPACE How can emptiness be so heavy?

[wtbthinn]

I’m so overwhelmed and overcharged with my life right now

Since a few weeks I’m working again and it just is so hard i work at an hotel and everything always has to be perfect there and as an employee u always have to be soo happy and kind and friendly and smile all the time, i love my job i really do but i just don’t have the energy to be like that anymore but no one understands it because it’s ‘normal’ to work so much and everyone has there ‘garbage’ to carry, i understand but it really just is too much for me right now

Normally i have 9/5 job but my chef wants me to give up my free days and work 6 or 7 days a week and 10h a day like i did yesterday but on Wednesday - my free day i have therapy so i don’t really wanna miss that but i also don’t really wanna go to therapy anymore because i feel like she isn’t kinda really helping me and it’s really expensive tbh i live on my own so it’s really hard but i need help i really need help because my depression ed and suicidal thoughts are so loud right now

My best friend is also really sad and kinda puts a little pressure on me because she wants to party every weekend wants to go out have fun and just do what young people in my age would normally do and she feels like her time is fading away and all that, yeah i have the same feeling but i just can’t do it all anymore I don’t want to drink cause of the calories, i don’t want to go out, meet new people, or talk to people i just don’t want to do it and i really don’t have the energy to do that after 10h of working with people i just don’t want to see anybody, it isn’t fun for me and i feel sad that she doesn’t really understands that just because she never had to deal with mental illness, i mean i’m happy that she hasn’t cause it’s really shitty but she just doesn’t understand how hard it can be.. besides always being available at work and always being available for my friends i also wanna see my family sometimes, spend time alone, also go to the gym and do my workouts so i finally will loose some fucking weight but also have to do some work at home cleaning and all that stuff, grocery shopping and just everything but i honestly just want to lay in bed all day cause i don’t have energy for anything anymore I’m just so stressed and don’t know what to anymore.

I feel like no one really cares about my feelings and I’m just here to function, i don’t really feel like a human being anymore I’m more like a machine

[woodmossbones]

The terrifying thing about my ED is the way it makes me feel like my mental health is actually improving the more weight I lose. I’m starving myself but every pound off feels like freedom. The thinner I get the more I feel comfortable enough to get dressed in the morning, to be able to go out with friends and feel a little less disgusted with myself.

But then I eat more than I had planned and I’m crying, screaming, punching my walls and feeling nothing but hate for myself. Then I remember that I’m still sick.

[wtbthinn]

Yesterdaayy was the FIRST DAY since over two weeks that i didn’t eat a cake at work and stayed under 1000 calories again and didn’t binge i’m so proud i think I’m really getting back on track again I’m going to start workout again and try to eat under 1000 and on my work free days I’m gonna fast i wanna loose as much weight as i can in 2 weeks !!!

[wtbthinn]

I think I’m in a protein deficit… any low calorie protein sources i think everything high in protein is also high i calories…

[wtbthinn]

I think i’m getting my period back since 3 months.. my healthy side is saying that i should be happy bout that but for my ed its such a bad sign like i failed 😭😭😭

[wtbthinn]

My birthday is on Saturday and i don’t look like this yet 😵‍💫😵‍💫

[wtbthinn]

Eyyy how long after a purge should i wait to brush my teeth i‘m tired and need to go to bed

[wtbthinn]

I can’t even buy my safe food anymore cause i will eat it all and binge

[wtbthinn]

FUCKKK I BINGE EVERYDAY I DON‘T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO I DID SO WELL TODAY

[wtbthinn]

I can’t even buy my safe food anymore cause i will eat it all and binge

[vulnerablx]

I hate when you wanna talk about something that bothers you but you feel like you’ve already talked about it too much, so you just hold it in

[tinyprettypls]

every single day

[wtbthinn]

I think I’m already annoying my friends .. like yesterday i binged and she asked me how i spend my day and i said i was really depressed and sad cause i binged so i did nothing and all she said was ‚mood haha‘ ?!?!?!?!? Mood ?!?! Oh so u skinny ass know how it is to binge and want to kill yourself afterwards because u feel guilty and can’t throw up ?!!? I mean .. MOOD what is this

[nt-7-deactivated20230122]

I passed the hardest moments alone while everybody believed i was fine

[wtbthinn]

I really feel bad for not eating, i want to recover, i want to feel better but the guilty feeling after every bite of food is so much stronger i know I’m sabotaging myself, life could be so beautiful.. life actually IS so beautiful but a part of me always wants to go back to that comforting warm feeling of hunger, then i feel safe and feel like i accomplished something

I‘m in therapy since 3 months now and really try to recover since a month, then the extreme hunger and binging came & of course the bloating and discomfort afterwards, I’m still trying to compensate it with extreme exercise and purging so atm it is like a back and forth between trying to recover and starving again cause of the guilty feeling bloating and the weight gain, i really don’t know what to do anymore. Like i said in an earlier post is my first doctor appointment on the 20 July so i feel like i have to get thinner so the doctor sees that i‘m sick but at the same time this just doesn’t feel right … the permanent battle in my head is so exhausting

Ana is hard, but trying to get out of that shit is a fucking challenge i feel like i‘m not ready for

I really like that quote it really motivates me to keep going

[wtbthinn]

I know i can’t restrict the cake when i see it and i also cant count calories cause i eat lunch at my work so I’m going to start Intermittent Fasting 18:6 now do lots of HIIT and Weight Training so i will loose weight again wish me luck lol

[wtbthinn]

I want to loose the weight i gained back until 20 July then i have an appointment at a doctor the first time and i don’t want to embarrass myself by saying i‘m anorexic but looking like a whale

[wtbthinn]

Wasn’t so active here.. I’m working again after 8 Months of staying at home because of Corona, i work at a hotel and I’m allowed to eat all the time and the desserts are so fucking good here but it pisses me off i have to be stronger .. today i ate 3 pieces of chocolate and 3 pieces of cake i feel so bad now and at work i can’t even purge afterwards … all i‘m doing is binging i can’t really restrict longer than a day then I’m binging again i feel like a failure and now when I’m at work and know i can eat all the time and don‘t have to pay for fucking delicious cake i can’t resist. I feel so bad and fat now i could be at my GW right now but I’m not … i fucking hate this fucking eating disorder bit i also fucking hate my body and need to get skinnier again i gained back 4kg that’s not okayyy

[justedrecoverythings]

i saw one of your (maybe?) older asks where someone said they wanted to eat a poptart, and you replied “if ed doesn’t want a poptart, he doesn’t get one, YOU get one” and honestly that put a whole new light on eating for me

This message honestly MADE MY DAY <3 I’m so glad I was able to give you a new perspective. Eating is a way to honor your body and nourish your spirit. The eating disorder can never take that magic from you. Keep fighting love.

[bauhows]

We’re collectively just blaming everything on this fucked up guy called Ed.

[wtbthinn]

Posted my first own song on soundcloud it’s german it’s not perfect but it comes deep from my heart <3 but check it out if u want to :))