hi!! do you happen to know where to find an archived list or masterpost of brendon’s lj? ryan’s is pretty easy to find but for some reason everywhere i look i can’t find brendon’s anymore. love your blog by the way, fab posts and such thorough histories. learning more than i thought possible !!! (i miss their early era so much 😭 your blog is so healing omg)
disclaimer first: After Brendon made his lj private in July 2006 fans recovered everything they could with ljseek (@ ljseek.com/list.php?name=part_time_lovah), but that text-only list was still missing content. Some fans had saved stuff and Letsdisco took the time to organize the recovered entries into a list that people could copy and spread around, so this is just what we managed to save. I'm going to condense some formatting to save space unless it helps illustrate his angst lol.
context: P!ATD was already signed. They guys had met Pete in late 2004, went to his studio in January to record the second demo for It's Time to Dance, and were working on writing more songs this spring while waiting for Brendon to graduate before leaving for Maryland.
March 15: don’t shake. i hate to see you tremble.
looking forward to california next week. march 24, anaheim, house of blues. see you there.. does anyone have anymore suggestions for good bands out there? if so, please tell me. watched “badder santa” in class last week. very funny movie. also, any donations to the “brendon is a helpless, hopeless bum” fund would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
March 18: ground control to major tom. take your protein pills and put your helmet on.
i learned a few things today: the school system is fucked. white "thugs" at my school are degrading towards girls and very rude (and loud as well). some people really DON'T have a brain. sad. i almost died driving today. i was waiting in the far left turn lane at a red light when a random van going around 60 jumped the median and rammed the truck in front of me. scared the shit out of me. luckily no one was hurt. im wondering if i should walk with my class. you know, the whole graduation ceremony...
March 25: it’s not enough to hear me say you’ve won
california was awesome. it was good to see friends and meet new people. played a lot of gameboy. super mario 3 is an addiction. the new mars volta cd is awesome as well. i still havent found what im looking for.
April 6: …it’s so close but we’re so far away…
sadness. i cant have much dairy anymore b/c it ruins my voice. would anyone possibly have a diet that excludes dairy? i would greatly appreciate it. the 2nd song on the new mae album is amazing to me. im beginning to lose faith in medicine. we are still writing. i really hope some of you enjoy this record. love.
April 12: a very merry unbirthday to me.
today is the day where im supposed to feel older. more mature. responsible. legal…
nope.
today is meant to be a leap into the rest of my life. a new beginning...
nope.
every year on this day is meant to be a “happy birthday” but today is just “birthday”
mein getburtstag.
i’ll stop looking forward to birthdays.
April 25: sooner or later we all sleep alone
hmmm. these entries seem to be getting more and more pointless. that, or i'm just getting ornery and tired. i think its both. some kid in my german class was ranting about how "rock-a-billy" started every modern genre we listen to today. nice try, kid. hey monica. haha. check it out: "monica is the coolest girl ever. we're gunna get married.i love her." hahaha. nice.
May 6: you get me every time, why’d you have to be so cute?
to those attending my school: generally i wouldnt talk to you, but i, just that desperate for friends and attention. i love dreams. when they come true.
May 14: get up you son of a beeotch, cause [brendon] loves ya
“i hope they love you like i did when you needed me…”
so anxious to begin a new routine.
May 30: where are we; what the hell is going on?
imogen heap= amazing. period. the countdown has begun to maryland. excitement. stress. anxiety. we’ve got the best of both worlds. dance and “other.” i hope you kids are ready for it. “we continue now with our piano interlude.”
context: this starts when the band was leaving for the studio. They returned home in late July and had a couple weeks to literally learn how to play their songs live & be a band. Panic's first show ever was on August 12th before touring began.
June 13: "when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."
t-minus you're out of time. destination: maryland.
recording for the album.
please, please try to stay open minded.
thank you.
June 27: the drummer begins to drum
hanging out in the studio at the moment.
started tracking drums today after a week of preproduction.
the studio is in a little town called college park. the name IS the description.
we've got a humble abode in beltsville (yes, like the thrice song) that we share with a few spiders and other insects.
i've grown extremely fond of a little sandwich shop here called Danny's. when a restaurant has 3 locations within 2 miles of eachother, it MUST be good.
the squiz is awesome. he and his girlfriend had a bbq and invited us over. when the squiz isn't in the studio, he's a master chef.
i love my job/life.
July 3: i look at all the lonely people…
sometimes watching others play is enough entertainment. you don't need to be good at halo to play, but it helps.
finished tracking bass today. guitar begins.
saw war of the worlds. if you're into sci-fi like i am then you'll probably like it. we've taken a lot of pictures since we've left home. ryan should be posting them soon.
i hope everything is well with all of you. thank you for taking the time to read all of my lousy posts.
July 14: the hotel fostini… fully loaded
we've been tracking guitar, electronics, and some vocals. all is going just fine.
havent had any outside time from the studio. but id rather be here for 12 hours a day than at school for half an hour.
we've posted some pictures on our website. www.panicatthedisco.com maybe it'll give you an idea of how we utilize our time in the studio. as well as some people that we've met.
July 28: death on two legs… you're tearing me apart
so we finally made it home. after a 45 hour drive cross-country, anything is easy. the record is finished. look for it september 27. i hope you all enjoy it.
now touring begins. hope to see you there. thank you all.
August 4: my equilibrium's spinning
sick day. sore throat and flu at the worst possible time. show in a week.
get well soon.
thank you lord:
for the loaded gun
for the bad aim
for im lonesome
August 12: what made you so scared?
show tonight. incredibly excited.
and nervous.
but i couldn't have a better job or a better group of friends to work with.
tour begins soon. see you all there.
thank you.
context: Panic's first tour — a national tour opening for Acceptance in August & September. The tour's Vegas date was September 6th.
September 5: i aint sayin she's a gold digger
just got back in the homeland this morning. can't wait for the show tomorrow.
the tour has been awesome so far. the bands are great and each member has been amazing to us.
thank you all for your love and support.
September 12
home again. its great to see family and friends for even a short time.
everyone in the bands is sick. but the shows are still amazing.
portland and seattle were awesome. everything there is better. the shops, the weather, and especially the fans are incredible.
i love my new friends in the receiving end of sirens, augustana, cartel, and acceptance.
context: a national tour opening for Fall Out Boy in October & November. AFYCSO was out now. Brendon was hanging out with Audrey after the NYC show in mid-October, so the post on the 30th is about her.
September 30: john, I’m only dancing.
capri sun surfer coolers and twizzlers.
the van.
album just dropped.
on tour with fall out boy.
holy shit. thisismylife.
thank you to everyone who has picked up the album or come out to see us. i hope you enjoyed it. we aim to please.
and guess what ladies and gentlemen?
he doesn’t just sing for your entertainment, he’s an actor now too. well on his way to becoming a triple threat. if only he could remember what that third thing was.
“she turns me on, but i’m only dancing.
she turns me on, don’t get me wrong i’m only dancing.”
… oh yeah, now i remember.
October 4: i got the magic stick
i love new york, so says the shirt i got the last time we were there. headed there now. someone else is driving. finally.
skittles are the best candy ever. jell-o can be surprisingly filling.
i owe brent 827345920 dollars. he doesn’t think i’m funny.
mcdonalds sucks and half a mcflurry does not a meal make. but a pretty smile and good conversation go a long way to improving the state of things.
shorty don’t believe me, then come with me tonight. and i’ll show you maaagic. (what? what?)
thank you for coming out to see us.
October 18: oh juliet, deny your name, your father.
ryan and i are sitting in a really nice dressing room at the hard rock live in orlando. there isn’t much to do when you show up early at the venues. i walked around with our friend “merch dan” at the universal studios shops. not too much going on there either. so now im eating pb&j; and watching romeo & juliet.
have fun at the show tonight, boys and girls.
October 30: but you. you were my favorite…
just got home about an hour ago. last day at home for another month. the show last night in tucson went well i think. we are definitely lucky to be on this tour. thank you all.
cant stop thinking about her. she’s my favorite.
November 10: keep your chin up child and wipe the tears from your eyes
the clarion of kansas city, missouri. oh how sweet life is.
less than 2 weeks left of tour. the bands have been great. parting is such sweet sorrow.
less than 2 weeks closer to seeing her.
November 28: feels like home to me
glad to be back.
time to lay low for a while.
congratu-fucking-lations to everyone that knows everything about me.
keep it up. youre doing a great job…
context: Panic did a small series of headlining shows in southern California. Brendon genuinely was a sick mess and had a fever while filming the IWSNT video. Just listen to Discover & Download lol. Thomas was Brendon's friend from school.
December 17
laying down in the cohen residence. sick, again. big surprise.
thomas (www.myspace.com/tcizzle) and i will be shooting a short film tonight, seeing as im leaving tomorrow (thats what best friends do). what its about, we dont know? we only know it will be great. because greatness is made in the late hours of the day when your mind is scorched from fever.
what im writing at the moment is an equivalent to "drunk calling." i will wake up with no recollection that i did it with 100 replies about how lame i am. not because im drunk. no. because ive been way too sick for way too long.
so i leave you with this…
charlie horse.
it's 'cause you tumble-dried my suit and now my shirt's tight.
bden, out.
December 24: 'twas the night before christmas…
but i didn't really notice. (christmas use to mean so much more when you were younger.)
no snow. no santa. no wasseling upon dead leaves.
what happened.
i miss the excitement.
setting aside milk and cookies for jolly ol' saint nick.
staying up until 2am. waking up at 7am. finding dreams wrapped inside of cardboard and tissue paper.
but we get older, whatever that means.
so happy christmahanakwanzakuh, everybody. let's celebrate the birth of christ.
godblessuseveryone (i really wish he would)
context: Brendon's January 13th post is about stuff he did with Audrey in early January. P!ATD taped Carson Daly on the 12th, did appearance & interview stuff in NYC, and then toured the UK with TAI in late January. Panic's popularity was escalating really quickly at this point.
January 13: that weren't no dj, that was hazy cosmic jive
home for 2 days. vegas to new york. new york to uk. imissaudrey.
coming soon: busiest year of my life.
sidekick brigade.
monster family.
disneyland.
pirate time.
carson daly.
see you all soon.
"let the children lose it. let the children use it. let all the children boogie."
i am starman.
January 31: and there's this burning...
sitting with ross in the mccarran int'l airport. a tad-bit ahead of schedule. good thing. third eye blind. handbrake - ripping the dvds.
i love/miss/need the girl.
getting sick right before tour. thank you, god.
thank you everyone who believes in this band just as much/more than us. our band would not exist without your support. thank you.
i've never been so alive.
TS&SL TOUR (FEBRUARY – MARCH)
context: opening for TAI's national tour even though Panic was really popular. Brendon's quote about "it's not arrogance, it's sarcasm and fun" was really needed this season. Brendon called Audrey "gelfling." And then he's talking about this FOB video shoot.
February 15: we have to take our clothes off. we have to party all night.
sitting backstage at house of blues in myrtle beach, south carolina.
fob videoshoot on the day off. lot of fun, but the throat is tired.
if you havent seen i heart huckabees, you should.
dropped 5k in atlantic city. gained 5k. lucky day.
imissthelittlegelfling.
warm up time.
all is full of love.
February 27: green plastic watering can
best western, tempe, az. day off.
waiting for the cohen and the gelf to get here.
eating enough cookies, pop tarts, and pizza for an entire lifetime.
inlovewithagelf.
gravity always wins.
p.s. if anyone's interested in talking to a random person, here you go:
fmxrider4life
www.myspace.com/tcizzle
March 12: love. i get so lost sometimes.
the radisson, salt lake city, utah.
day off on a sunday. what to do. its snowing by the way.
sushi sounds nice.
listen to bjork, medulla.
its not arrogance, its sarcasm and fun. dont take anything too seriously.
takeiteasybabymakeitlastallnight.
March 25: i wanna be your crystal baller
chi town. windy city heat. lets find out who the culprit really is.
backstage house of blues. tour is ending.
whoever took my voice away, maybe improve it this time before you give it back. thanks.
everything is quiet, since youre not around.
i live in the numbness now in the background.
i miss my bed just a little bit.
i miss homecooked meals a little bit.
i miss home a little bit.
i laugh. i dont even know why.
context: the band filmed the BIBIYD video right after the TS&SL tour ended and then left for Japan. Their schedule had been solidly busy since January. Brendon said he'd never left the country before he went to the UK in January, so Japan was a totally new experience.
March 30: i was afraid to be alone…
ana hotel, tokyo, japan. how the hell did i get here?
havent slept for 40 hours.
finished the new video. masquerade strip club? definitely.
largest show so far in a place ive never been, know nothing about, and a language i dont speak a word of.
i wake up everyday but not really.
definitely need a rest.
i love japan.
…now im scared thats how i like to be.
April 5: my feelings are more important than yours
home. in the bed. wanting to sleep so badly, but have to wait so as to get back on schedule.
flying brings me down. down. down. it seems i live in cars, busses, and aeroplanes.
koala yummies. marble cinnamon bread. hentai.: some of the many luxuries of japan.
…not to mention japamela anderson.
tokyo, osaka, nagoya.
i miss moto, mizuka, and machi.
most fun ive had in my entire life.
i think im turning japanese.
goddamn. i dont care. i wont wear it.
APRIL & EARLY MAY – EUROPE
context: the band had a short time off before heading to the UK in mid-April for their first headlining tour. That tour finished at the end of April and then the band did 3 shows in other European countries in early May.
April 14: ill be alone, but maybe more carefree
birthday came and went.
19.
thank you all for your comments.
like a kite that floats so effortlessly.
May 2: "ernest hemingway once wrote 'the world is a fine place and worth fighting for'…
paris, france.
they hate speaking english and love making you look stupid.
musee de louvre, eiffel tower, notre dame.
je ne vous aime pas.
…i agree with the second part."
context: The band played some festivals in the US and prepared for the summer tour. Brent was fired & there was drama. This next part is not a fact, but by late summer the fandom was pretty certain for various reasons that Brendon had already been hanging out with Brittany in May.
May 28: love me. love me. say that you'll love me.
headlining tour in a week. i hope you're/we're ready for it.
to all of our fans who have stood by our side because they loved the music: thank you.
to all of our ex-fans who hate our band and are searching for another heartthrob: thank you.
stressed-out. excited. heart-broken.everythingisquietwhenyourenotaround.
anyone who is interested: check out www.livejournal.com/community/teamjonwalker.
we love him to death.
context: the band's first national headlining tour (the one with Lucent Dossier). Fans were ridiculous and Brendon finally made his livejournal private. Oh, and Killer Queen wasn't one of the summer tour cover songs... Brendon just loved Queen.
June 6: caviar and cigarettes.
tucson. first day of tour. i hope you're ready.
6.6.06. oh yes.
getting sick again. surprise surprise.
still heartbroken. still stressed.
well-versed in etiquette. extraordinarily nice.
shesakillerqueen.
July 23
i'm done giving out even more information, seeing as how you all know me and everything about me.
just remember:
everything you ever hear and/or see is always true…
…all the time, in fact.
The person who took Brendon's old lj username & posted in 2007 was not him btw. Brendon's final post to us stopped in July 2006. And then he supposedly posted this to his friends in December 2006 after the Fever era tours ended:
December 22: just let me run where i want to run
home. bored.
i found my old scrapbook. millions of baby pictures… how did i get so ugly? i guess that's just what happens when you get older. or at least it did as i got older.
i never thought having friends was this critical to survival.
it almost feels worse waking up with no agenda, no comrades, and no comprehension of what "normal" means.
it's always been the case: music never let me down. cheesy, i know. but so true.
"i live in the numbness now, in the background."
areudirty
stormborns
kaledo-art
turnnoffyourmind
dededos
