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Im.baaack nudity is back and so am i
If you’re black, and still active on this mf I need you to reblog this so we can keep the community close.
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So you want punishments other than spankings?
As a reaction to this ask, @vanillarosehisgirl asked for punishments which do not include any kind of impact play, like for example spankings (I also excluded all kinds of sexual punishments).
Here are a couple of suggestions. Please feel free to add more.
Note: Punishments have to be unpleasant (of course), but always have to be direct consequences for breaking (mutually agreed upon) rules. Never ever punish your sub in anger, or affect based. Calm down first and then explain to your sub *why* they deserve the punishment. Punishments always have to make sense!
Always have in mind that even the seemingly most harmless punishments can be triggers. So OF COURSE a safe word will make you stop the punishment immediately - even non-impact punishments. Also they should never do harm. For example: if your sub suffers from carpal tunnel syndrome or similar, letting them write extensive amounts of text is a no-go.
Corner time (the classic) - to make it gradually more penalizing, increase the time after continuous breaking the same rule. Or spice things up by letting your sub drop her trousers (or skirt), then panties, shirt, bra, … Hey, the Dom is allowed to have some viewing pleasure. It is a punishment for the sub ;) The variants are endless: Let them stand on their toes, balance a book on their head, put an penny between the nose and the wall, or an egg between their forehead and the wall (Warning: This can become messy. And fun. I am just imagining watching pet cleaning up in the nude… Sometimes I am almost sorry that she usually is very obedient).
Adjusting bedtime (also a classic) - Send your sub to bed earlier. Variant: No more reading in bed, or phone, or tablet
Writing it down (another classic) - Let them write. 50 times, 100 times, 200 times ”I mustn’t XYZ”, “I have to ask before XYZ”, “I am not allowed to XYZ”, “I have to remember to XYZ”,… Or let them write little essays or an apology letter about what they did wrong.
No videogames/tv/internet (yet another classic) - in case your sub loves to play videogames or watch tv, this could be it. And we all know how painful it is to not be allowed to go on the web (changing the wifi password is very effective)
“The soap in the mouth” (and another classic)- effective for bratty subs: A bar of soap. In the mouth. Yucky! And effective.
“On your knees!” - Let them get on their knees against the wall. Sitting on their feet is not allowed.
Going to bed without the favourite stuffie - Only effective if your sub has a favourite stuffie of course.
“Hold your tongue!” - literally. A beautiful punishment, especially if the sub is bratty. Let them stick out their tongue and hold it with two fingers. Very effective in public ;)
“Nose on your knees!” - Let them sit or lie down with their nose touching their knees. Variants can include wearing no panties, just saying.
“Silent!” - Tell them to not speak for an extended amount of time.
Hiding things - If your sub “forgets” to put away her things, put them away for them. And I bet you can come up with interesting places for videogame-controllers etc…
Music - We all have that one song, don’t we? A song we despise. Imagine having to listen to this very song in loop for 20 minutes. With headphones.
Repeating - Your sub has to do something, but does it sloppily. Let them do it again. And again. And again. And again. Until they do it right. Like loading the dishwasher. If not done properly let them unload it. And load it again. 20 times or more is VERY tiresome. I bet they will do it properly the next time. Also effective if your sub has the habit of slamming doors in anger. Obviously they don’t know how to do it properly. They have to learn. Let them do it 100 times in a row.
“Go to your room!” - No internet, tv, videogames, books, etc. of course. Half an hour or more does wonders.
Standing meals - Have you ever tried to have a full meal while standing? It’s very(!) unpleasant, holding the plate and all… ;) Or eating soup with a fork.
“Take pictures!” - A great way for LDRs or if you’re not at the same place at the moment. Let them take and immediately send photos (via WhatsApp etc - or let them post to their blog) of tasks if they usually do them sloppily. So you can instantly correct.
No privacy - Unhinge the door to your sub’s room (if they have room for themselves) and walk past it every once in a while, checking what they are doing.
“Sing it for me!” / “Talk in rhymes” - Some people hate singing. So, tell them that they are not allowed to talk to you for a while, but have to sing it. Or talk in rhymes (*Could* become a punishment for them Dom, too *lol* Just saying)
Clothes - If your sub has clothes they hate to wear. Let them wear those. Maybe even keep a couple of really embarrassing pieces of clothing for situations like these.
The “correction jar” - write punishments on pieces of paper. And let them draw one. Punishments can also include unpleasant work like chores (nobody likes scrubbing the toilet).
Interesting. This is so much more than what I would have thought of.
Updated Library For Kinksters
I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…
Aftercare
Aftercare 101
Aftercare For Dominants
Coping With Emotional Subdrop
Dom Drop
How To Make A Sub Drop Kit
Online Aftercare
sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare
Subdrop and Aftercare
Subspace and Aftercare
Consent
Consent & BDSM
Guide to Consent
Doms, Daddies & Masters
7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom
12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive
25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles
30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman
45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For
50 Rules for Daddies
100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess
101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)
Alternative Names For “Daddy”
Alternative Domme Titles
Aspects Of Control
Asserting Ownership - Rules
Daddy Up!
Defining A Daddy Dom
Dominants Need Training Also
Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles
Help For New Doms
How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive
How To Be A Good Dominant
How to Find a Submissive
Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man
New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom
Observations On Doms By A Submissive
So you want to be a Dom?
So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her
Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know
The Dom Commandments
Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind
What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective
What does the title Daddy mean?
What is a Daddy Dom?
What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?
What It Means To Be A Dominant
What Makes A Good Dominant
Littles, Subs & Slaves
6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant
7 Common Types of Submissives
10 Tips For Living With A Sadist
10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive
11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant
26 Baby Girl Jobs
50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy
A Bottom’s Responsibility
A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive
A Man Who Knows You…
A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom
Acid Test For Subs
Ask A Million And One Questions
Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective
Baby girl or little? A brief introduction
Care and feeding of Daddies
Characteristics Of A Good Daddy
Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner
Feminist Submissive
Finding Your Dominant
Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By
Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls
How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.
“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.
How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?
How To Find A Dom
How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom
I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy
Novice Submissives
Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK
Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’
Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.
Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts
Submissive Pride
Submissive Traits - Intelligence
Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me
What is a Little?
When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.
Why I call him Daddy
Your Rights As A Submissive
Long Distance Relationships
10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship
Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship
How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work
Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope
Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans
The Long Distance D/s Relationship
Mental Health
BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers
Body image & BDSM
How to Get Over Feeling Sad
Is BDSM normal?
Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!
Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship
Meditation And Mindfulness
On Cutting
Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories
Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction
Tips for Recovering from Codependency
What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)
Why Do I Feel Unloveable?
Relationships
10 Habits of Happy Couples
10 Top Communication Mistakes
10 Types of Emotional Manipulators
12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget
50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”
BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End
BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways
Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective
Communication Is Key
Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships
Daddy Doms and their little girls
Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More
Date Night In A Jar
DD/lg In Public
D/s and Domestication
Factors That Make A Relationship
Finding Love When You Least Expect It
Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests
How To Be Present In Your Relationships
How To Build A Healthy Relationship
How To Get What You Want In A Relationship
How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”
How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level
Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship
Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship
Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait
Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore
Searching for a D/s partner?
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships
Stop Arguments Before They Start
The Rewards of a Submissive
Types Of Relationship Insecurity
Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship
What Is Real Love?
When He Doesn’t Call
Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better
Safety
Another life ruined because of the morality police
Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!
Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t
Limits in BDSM
What is Emotional Abuse?
Self Improvement
10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life
10 Steps To Self Care
10 Ways To Be Happy
10 Truths To Live By
Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive
How to be Yourself
How To Deal With Your Enemies
How To Ignore Haters
How to Recognize a Toxic Friend
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Slut Shaming Explained
Tips for Healing a Broken Heart
What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?
Sex
50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women
Basics of Breath Play
D/s or Kinky Sex?
Fetishes Explained
How To Make A Girl Squirt
How To Tell Your Son About Sex
Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality
Sensual Biting
Sex: Myths & Stereotypes
Sex: Practical Details
Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control
So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women
Squirting Educational Video
Squirting Notes
Toys
Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs
BDSM on a budget
Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)
Training
10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs
30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten
40 Very Important DD/lg Facts
Age Play: A Short Guide
BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play
DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
Etiquette in BDSM Part 1
Etiquette in BDSM Part 2
Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings
Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind
Glossary of BDSM Terms
Guide To Blood Play
Guide To Bruising
Guide To Talking Dirty
Guide To Wax Play
How Do I Get Started In BDSM?
How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest
How To Make A Comfort Box
Introduction To BDSM
Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting
Punishments in BDSM Relationships
Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships
Some Thoughts On Rules
The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility
The Need For Rules and Discipline
Topping from the bottom
Always a reblog because why???
Education is 🔑 Knowledge is 💪🏻
ʚїɞk
Some very good information, opinions, and insight that has helped me contextualize my desires and better understand this community.
Recognize some of these resources. A browse through the ones I haven’t seen before makes it clear this is an invaluable collection of information for kinky people. Check it out
The more you know…
Reblogging to make sure that I have this so I can go back and look at it sometime.
Updated Library For Kinksters
I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…
Aftercare
Aftercare 101
Aftercare For Dominants
Coping With Emotional Subdrop
Dom Drop
How To Make A Sub Drop Kit
Online Aftercare
sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare
Subdrop and Aftercare
Subspace and Aftercare
Consent
Consent & BDSM
Guide to Consent
Doms, Daddies & Masters
7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom
12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive
25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles
30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman
45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For
50 Rules for Daddies
100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess
101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)
Alternative Names For “Daddy”
Alternative Domme Titles
Aspects Of Control
Asserting Ownership - Rules
Daddy Up!
Defining A Daddy Dom
Dominants Need Training Also
Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles
Help For New Doms
How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive
How To Be A Good Dominant
How to Find a Submissive
Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man
New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom
Observations On Doms By A Submissive
So you want to be a Dom?
So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her
Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know
The Dom Commandments
Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind
What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective
What does the title Daddy mean?
What is a Daddy Dom?
What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?
What It Means To Be A Dominant
What Makes A Good Dominant
Littles, Subs & Slaves
6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant
7 Common Types of Submissives
10 Tips For Living With A Sadist
10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive
11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant
26 Baby Girl Jobs
50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy
A Bottom’s Responsibility
A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive
A Man Who Knows You…
A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom
Acid Test For Subs
Ask A Million And One Questions
Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective
Baby girl or little? A brief introduction
Care and feeding of Daddies
Characteristics Of A Good Daddy
Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner
Feminist Submissive
Finding Your Dominant
Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By
Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls
How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.
“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.
How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?
How To Find A Dom
How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom
I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy
Novice Submissives
Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK
Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’
Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.
Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts
Submissive Pride
Submissive Traits - Intelligence
Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me
What is a Little?
When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.
Why I call him Daddy
Your Rights As A Submissive
Long Distance Relationships
10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship
Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship
How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work
Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope
Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans
The Long Distance D/s Relationship
Mental Health
BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers
Body image & BDSM
How to Get Over Feeling Sad
Is BDSM normal?
Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!
Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship
Meditation And Mindfulness
On Cutting
Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories
Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction
Tips for Recovering from Codependency
What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)
Why Do I Feel Unloveable?
Relationships
10 Habits of Happy Couples
10 Top Communication Mistakes
10 Types of Emotional Manipulators
12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget
50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”
BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End
BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways
Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective
Communication Is Key
Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships
Daddy Doms and their little girls
Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More
Date Night In A Jar
DD/lg In Public
D/s and Domestication
Factors That Make A Relationship
Finding Love When You Least Expect It
Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests
How To Be Present In Your Relationships
How To Build A Healthy Relationship
How To Get What You Want In A Relationship
How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”
How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level
Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship
Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship
Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait
Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore
Searching for a D/s partner?
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships
Stop Arguments Before They Start
The Rewards of a Submissive
Types Of Relationship Insecurity
Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship
What Is Real Love?
When He Doesn’t Call
Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better
Safety
Another life ruined because of the morality police
Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!
Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t
Limits in BDSM
What is Emotional Abuse?
Self Improvement
10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life
10 Steps To Self Care
10 Ways To Be Happy
10 Truths To Live By
Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive
How to be Yourself
How To Deal With Your Enemies
How To Ignore Haters
How to Recognize a Toxic Friend
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Slut Shaming Explained
Tips for Healing a Broken Heart
What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?
Sex
50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women
Basics of Breath Play
D/s or Kinky Sex?
Fetishes Explained
How To Make A Girl Squirt
How To Tell Your Son About Sex
Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality
Sensual Biting
Sex: Myths & Stereotypes
Sex: Practical Details
Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control
So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women
Squirting Educational Video
Squirting Notes
Toys
Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs
BDSM on a budget
Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)
Training
10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs
30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten
40 Very Important DD/lg Facts
Age Play: A Short Guide
BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play
DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
Etiquette in BDSM Part 1
Etiquette in BDSM Part 2
Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings
Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind
Glossary of BDSM Terms
Guide To Blood Play
Guide To Bruising
Guide To Talking Dirty
Guide To Wax Play
How Do I Get Started In BDSM?
How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest
How To Make A Comfort Box
Introduction To BDSM
Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting
Punishments in BDSM Relationships
Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships
Some Thoughts On Rules
The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility
The Need For Rules and Discipline
Topping from the bottom
Always a reblog because why???
Education is 🔑 Knowledge is 💪🏻
ʚїɞk
Some very good information, opinions, and insight that has helped me contextualize my desires and better understand this community.
Recognize some of these resources. A browse through the ones I haven’t seen before makes it clear this is an invaluable collection of information for kinky people. Check it out
The more you know…
Reblogging to make sure that I have this so I can go back and look at it sometime.
I don't know what to caption this
┐( ̄∀ ̄)┌
Common Red Flags
I want you to imagine the following scenario and the advice that you’d give to the subject - let’s call her Mary. Mary has her 10 year high school reunion coming up, and she is very excited about it. She’s had some success in her career, she’s just closed on a lovely house in a great neighborhood, and she’s got the cutest car imaginable. The only thing that she needs help with is losing the twenty extra pounds she’s put on since high school, and she’s tried almost everything to get rid of it. Finally, she decides to hire a personal trainer.
This trainer barely pays any attention to her; he spends most of his time on the phone texting other customers, only half listens to anything Mary has to say, and after being asked for a meal plan numerous times, sighs, Googles a generic meal plan, and unceremoniously hands it to her. Mary does her best to adhere to the meal plan, but at a birthday party a couple weeks later, she breaks down and has a cupcake. Furious, the trainer tells Mary not to contact him for three days.
I’m sure most of you would be absolutely baffled as to why Mary would pay this trainer a single penny, yet this is exactly the sort of behavior we see out of fake “doms” day in and day out. Many new subs simply don’t know enough to know that this behavior is not only abnormal, but completely unacceptable. The media’s portrayal of these sometimes aloof, sometimes obsessive and controlling “doms” doesn’t provide much in the way of proper context, and these poor submissives are often found by these predators before they’ve had a chance to educate themselves and arm themselves with facts.
Below is a list of some of the most common red flags that I’ve seen, based upon asks and messages that I’ve received, my interactions with the littles and submissives with whom I regularly interact, and asks and comments gleaned from @instructor144 and other blogs. This will not be an all-encompassing list, and my hope is that people will continue to add to the list based on their experiences in order to make it far more comprehensive and complete. I will also attempt to briefly explain why each of these is a red flag, in order to strip away some of the excuses these frauds hide behind.
Instant Familiarity - This is a very, very common one; you begin interacting with a potential dom (or they just burst into your inbox uninvited) and right away, they begin to demand that you call them by some honorific (Sir, Master, etc.). They may also begin making demands of you before you’ve even began having a dialog. Titles and dominance are both things that are earned over time, not some magical birthright to be bestowed upon whatever hapless idiot decides that they are the next Christian Grey.
Being Overly Sexual - Look, I get it, sex is fun for most people. We spend a considerable amount of our time and energy seeking out people who will play with our fun bits and who will mash theirs against ours. It’s a biological imperative and a pretty good time to boot. That being said, when you’re just beginning a conversation with a new “dom” or “daddy” or whatever title you’re discussing, you don’t want someone who’s only interested in bumping uglies if you’re wanting it to be more than just a hookup.
Being Demanding - I’m not talking about simply being “needy” because there are times when I brush up against, and am almost adjacent to, that particular adjective. I’m talking about the kind of jerk who insists that you do things that are unsafe, unwise, or that go against your values. He may demand nudes with your face in them, or for you to expose yourself in public places or perform lewd acts with animals (hopefully those are pretty easy red flags to spot), but he may also just carry on like a spoiled child. Either way, that is not what dominance is about.
Being Secretive - I’m not saying that every dom needs to send you a photocopy of his driver’s license, social security card, passport, birth certificate, full credit report and criminal background check right off the bat, but also, I’m not gonna say that some of those aren’t good ideas. In the past, I HAVE actually provided a copy of my criminal background check (squeaky clean) and my driver’s license information. You really need to know who you’re dealing with, and full name, date of birth, address, employer, job title, vehicle description and license plate number are not all unreasonable things to have going into your first meeting. In addition, if they are not open about their home life, they’re most likely married. If they don’t tell people about you online (after you’re supposed to be committed), it’s usually because they’re talking to other people. Discretion is a good thing, secrecy is not. You need to know the difference.
Being Degrading - I’ve touched on this one before, but under the right circumstances, a little degradation and humiliation can be sexy as hell. The thing is, those circumstances are after you’ve discussed it and given the okay for it, not right out the gate. If he’s tossing out phrases like “whore” and “slut” before you’ve so much as discussed his preference for Mexican or Chinese food, throw that one back.
Cutting Off Communication - This one is so common and it is one of the ones that drives me the most crazy. Here you are, supposedly this person’s most prized and cherished possession, the one he wants to nurture and support and help grow… and he’s going to disappear for days or weeks at a time? Nope. Fuck that. If you have an argument and he needs to calm down for a little bit so he doesn’t say something hurtful, that’s one thing. You set a reasonable time to reconvene and he goes and cools off. But some of these guys either disappear without a trace or go off for days as “punishment” - not cool. If he’s got a work thing and is going to be busy, he lets you know when he’ll be available beforehand, not leave you wondering when you’ll hear from him again. It’s called responsibility.
Wanting To Punish You/Wanting You To Break Rules - I want to be very clear with this one, I’m not talking about as a form of play like, “You’ve been a very naughty girl. I’m going to put you over my knee and teach you a lesson.” That’s the sort of thing that is usually fun for both people and that ends with some very satisfied kinksters when it’s over. I’m talking about the ones that get a glint in their eyes every time they catch you in some minor infraction and delight in handing out the most severe, draconian punishments they can think of. Unfortunately, abusers are drawn to BDSM because it’s often seen as acceptable and okay to hit people - but it is not done willy-nilly and it is never done without discussion beforehand. To that end, let me add…
Extreme Punishments - Not every punishment is discussed well in advance. There are some that are created to fit the particular infraction, but these punishments need to be reasonable. Not only do they have to make sense given the circumstances, but they have to be designed to achieve a particular result beyond, “I’m going to hurt you a lot”. This is abuse, pure and simple, and it is usually being hidden under the guise of impact play.
Ignoring/Pushing Your Hard Limits - When you are discussing the terms of your dynamic, hopefully you are setting up a list of things that are “hard limits” for both of you - things that are completely and totally off-limits no matter what. If you’re setting out hard limits and he scoffs and says something like, “Well, we’ll come back to that” or “We’ll work on that”, be afraid. Your hard limits are not something to try to work around or push you past, they are supposed to be firm and immutable. If he can’t respect your hard limits, he can’t respect you.
Refusing/Ignoring Your Safeword - Any time someone denies you a safeword, no matter what excuse they use, you should walk away. Period. I don’t care how much experience they claim to have, how many subs they’ve had, or how well they say you know each other. I don’t care if this guy can sit there and recite every sentence you’re going to say throughout an entire day - he cannot read your mind. He can’t see everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling. This nonsense about, “You need to trust me to know when you’ve had enough” is all ego-driven bullshit that will get someone hurt eventually. If you try to safeword and they refuse to stop, that’s rape and/or abuse. Period. There is no other way to put it.
Isolating You From Friends and Family - This is a textbook abuser technique and if it doesn’t seen a thousand bright red flares shooting off into the sky, then it should. You should always have the ability to visit your friends and family. You are a person with agency, and you may surrender some of your freedom to your dom in exchange for structure, but you do not hand over your humanity. Anyone who would deny you this is someone you need to be very wary of.
Demanding That You Change - Listen, nobody’s perfect, and we all have things that we would like to help our partner improve upon. That part is completely normal, and there’s a healthy way to approach this. That’s not what I’m talking about here. The, “You’re great, but if you don’t lose weight/change your hair color/learn to be bisexual/(insert dumbass demand here), then I’m going to have to let you go.” That bullshit needs to be turned out, put down, and left to rot in the sun. If they can’t accept you as you are and work with you to improve the things that you’d like to improve, then they aren’t deserving of your time and energy.
Gaslighting - I’m not referring to it in the kink form (although that’s one thing that I really, really don’t get as a kink - more power to you folks, but wow), but in it’s natural state in the wild. The type of thing where, when you bring up a concern, they tell you that you’re making it up, blowing it out of proportion, that you’re wrong to feel that way about it, etc. This is abusive, manipulative behavior and the sooner you see it and get away, the better off you’re going to be.
These are some of the more common things that we see, and I know there are tons and tons of others. The bottom line, if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right. Learn to develop your instincts and trust your gut. If you’re feeling uneasy or like someone shouldn’t be trusted, take heed. It’s far better to walk away from a potential dom that gave off a weird vibe than to allow yourself to be hurt by one just because you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Educate yourself, play it safe, and take things slow.
Solid!! ^^^
I hate that I have to reblog this. I hate that almost every submissive I meet on tumblr, male or female, seems to have a story or encounter similar to these red flags. This should be common sense, but when it comes to bdsm people get so wrapped up in giving up control that they get sucked in all the time…
The only thing I would tweak is the secrecy. Once you’re in a trusting, committed relationship with a submissive I think you absolutely have to divulge anything and everything. However, I’d be careful about who I give specific info to. The town you live in, first name and what you do for work is as general as you should be while you’re getting to know the other person a bit. Again, that is just MY opinion. Everyone is of course different.
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