rules for friendship by wesley flash
friends are really hard sometimes because they show us a true reflection of the best and worst parts of ourselves. making new friends used to be easy when I did a lot of drugs and knew how to hang hard and shoot the shit but now that I don’t do that and value more meaningful conversation starters its been harder for me to make connections with people beyond substances and subcultures. I have a lot of insecurities around friendships too based on past experiences (re: substances, etc) and also abandonment issues from family and also #FEELINGS like wow its hard to have them myself let alone bear witness to another persons but also true and good friendships are where you hopefully get to work out what feelings are and how or why you feel them within a safe supportive compassionate and loving connection. I think friendship love is even more important than romantic love because friends know so much more about you after years of bearing witness to and supporting your personal growth. I’ve gotten over my love break ups in due time but my friend break ups – one very tender one in particular, still make me emotional to this day. I find myself still missing that relationship when something cool or awesome or funny happens in my life that I want to share with them. this is all to say that in my 30 years of friend-making I have learned some things that work for me and plenty that don’t.
here, in no particular order, is a list of things/qualities/character traits I need and deserve to have in friends (and offer of myself in exchange)
active listening techniques
ability to be silly, sing songs, make funny voices, get goofy, be weirdos without shame or judgement
creating work or creative moments together (art, performance, meetings, dinner parties, road trips, etc)
eagerness to bear witness and show up for all the pretty, fun, messy, hard and awesome stuff
anticipatory service ie: if I make dinner, you offer to do the dishes or just get up automatically to do them
gifts and tokens of appreciation just because (“this reminded me of you” “you mentioned you needed this a few weeks ago” – cold hard cash when I really need it counts too)
belief in magic or a willingness to listen and learn more from me
a personal understanding of trauma and loss… bonus points if you have lost a parent
loves vegetables and healthy foods (it is hard for me to eat with folks who don’t eat the same things I do. indulgence in eating out all the time actually just makes me feel sick)
ACCOUNTABLE for their actions, feelings, missteps and process
friend date buddy like go see movies or art or go on walks or DO STUFF beyond eating and sitting and talking (which are also valuable too but its good to talk about STUFF beyond ourselves and other people, too)
continually “working on their shit”
possesses any and or all of these identities: queer/trans/woman/witch/artist/activist/scholar/yogi
must love the ocean (I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t love the ocean)
values friendships as much as if not more than romantic relationships; see also, views friends as an extension of their family unit
*this is a work in progress.
**this is also not a read on anyone at all it is more a read of myself than anything
theartofmadeline
blakekathryn
titsay
