Sharing the Love

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November 9, 2016 or Day 1 of the dreaded four-year Trump era

This is us. A little bit kooky, a little bit nerdy and six months away from being married. He's a data scientist (the quant) and I'm a Strategy professional (the poet).

We're both Indian by heritage but come from two very different cultures and religions. We're also Australian and for whatever reason, both grow up surrounded by East Asian friends. None of these cultural quirks had any significance until wedding planning began.

Our wedding planning experience has been exciting, confusing, stressful and eye-opening.  And we walked into it absolutely clueless. This blog is an attempt to consolidate the wisdom we've accumulated about wedding planning to help future couples tackle what will likely be the first major logistical project of their lives together.

If you're never had to plan a wedding (especially a multi-cultural one), you may wonder how there could possible be enough involved in the endeavour to fill up a series of blog posts. But my goodness it's big.

This blog will contain both generic advice and suggestions specific to Indian cultural weddings in Sydney.

So lets get started!

If you don’t know exactly what you’re after, feel free to have a leisurely scroll through the home page, or, see my rigorous, chronological guide to getting married below. I recommend taking a break to breathe between each step and starting the next only when you have motivation. Wedding planning is (in most cases) a marathon, not a race. 

Step One: Putting a Ring on it (ring entirely optional)

Step Two: Setting up the bones

Step Three: Building the basics

The Very Important Bonus

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The Very Important Bonus

DMy wedding planning incorporated two critical tools: Excel and Trello.

I used a variety of internet resources to build my tools and adjusted them to suit my very unique Indian/ Goan wedding.

So I'm sharing the love and throwing my tools into the mix. Please let me know if they help you!

Excel: Download

Trello board:

To use please click on menu and then copy board (so your personal board is distinct from my publicly available template

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The Jewellery

Kesari: https://kesarico.com/

Taur shop: https://www.taurshop.com/

Vaani: https://vaanicollection.com/

Sejals collection (Insta)

Niyara & Co (Insta)

Infinity collection (Insta)

https://ranicollectionsydney.com.au/collections/frontpage?page=2&sort_by=price-descending

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The dress

I will admit that I was one of those girls that thought about her future wedding dress from the age of 16. I used to sketch long, white, lace-covered gowns, I watched 'Say yes to the dress' and I was well versed in the lingo (pronovias, fit and flare, boat neck anyone)? And then I met a Punjabi boy, the option of a lehenga became available to me and my teenage doodles went out the window. A lehenga was where it was at. As such Part 1 of this guide will focus on the type of shopping I did, and a shorter part 2 will outline some of what I know about white dresses.

Part 1: Indian wedding outfits

Top tips

Money stuff: Confirm taxes and any transaction fees as well as payment processes (one vendor I worked with offered us the option of a bank transfer, western union transfer or bitcoin transfer (!))

Part 2: White wedding gowns

White wedding dresses are more expensive than you expect (especially for a self-proclaimed bargain clothes shopper). The average spend on a single wedding dress in NSW is $2.5 - $3K. Designer dresses can be much more expensive.

A few options to save money:

Second hand: With https://www.stillwhite.com.au/ being the most prominent vendor

Rental: Without personal experience I can't recommend any single provider

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Building the basics

Once you have an idea of where, how many and how much you can get started with the next level of wedding planning detail.

Step 1: The Plan - I got a lot of peace of mind after setting up a list of jobs to do by month until the big day. I highly recommend setting up a plan, sticking to it and updating it as you remember things to be done

Step 2: THE DRESS - All caps because here's where the fun starts. Depending on the type of wedding you're having, this can be a straightforward simple, white dress from your neighbourhood shop or 6 different outfits from halfway around the world. I had the latter option so will go into more detail on that.

Step 3:

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The Place

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The money

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The Numbers

The

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The Date

The time of year you get married can be driven by any number of things - from my understand the three key factors are Religious beliefs, Availability (yours, guests and suppliers) and Weather. I know that some people are set on a certain date for sentimental reasons - your decision is easy!

Religious beliefs:

Availability:

Weather/ Seasonality:

Now to choose an actual date.

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Setting up the bones

You've both said yes, you've exchanged rings, PCs, chocolates, onesies, whatever - now you have to actually get married.

I have to admit that my first 3-4 months of being engaged were my favourite. I didn't give a single thought to planning a wedding and I focused exclusively on staring at, cleaning, and taking photos of my shiny new piece of jewelery. If possible I recommend enjoying some 'engagement' time before the crazy begins.

Once you're done procrastinating, there are a few structural wedding planning 'bones' you need to set up before anything else.

Step 1: The Date - Choosing a date can be as simple as looking at a calendar, closing your eyes and pointing or as complicated as consulting religious leaders to identify the most auspicious time for your marriage. Most of my experience has been somewhere in between.

Step 2: Get a rough idea of guest numbers - Just the right order of magnitude so you know whether you're looking to accommodate 50 or 500 guests.

Step 3: The Location - Deciding on a geographic location and venue for your reception will set the tone for the rest of your wedding. Again, this can be as simple as 'the RSL next door' or as intricate as 'Taking our 200 best friends to the south of France'

Step 4: Set a budget - Throughout wedding planning, my budget was my best friend. I annoyed everyone around me with constant budget updates. You may be as ridiculous as me or much less bothered by this but still, it always helps to have a budget set up.

If you're in Sydney, I recommend choosing a date at least 11/12 months after you start planning to allow you enough time and give you the best chance of booking vendors. Of course this time period depends on where you're hosting your wedding, any cultural requirements and (hopefully limited to 2020/2021 brides) global pandemics.

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The Proposal

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The "Engagement PC"

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Ring Stuff

There are at least 200 more pictures of that ring, but I chose the one taken the moment I received it. Because I'm sentimental like that. There are two key parts to a ring: the rock and the band.

The rock

Believe it or not, a diamond isn't the only accepted engagement stone. Maybe your person would like their birthstone on a ring, maybe they just love pink. One of my closest friends has a beautiful pink tourmaline and it's perfect for her. Have a look at these links I found helpful when deciding which stone I wanted: For an extremely comprehensive list of gemstones, for great advice on gemstone hardness and what to look for (e.g. I am acutely aware of my own clumsiness so decided a diamond was ideal). Also check out lab-created diamonds - a more sustainable, ethical way to go. If you go ahead with a earth grown or lab grown diamond, things get technical. If you're come this far you may be familiar with the 'Four C's. Diamonds International produces a great overview guide.

Carat: The most well-known C, Carat will be driven by preference (including your human's finger size) and budget. The other four Cs are a bit more tricky.

Cut: Prioritise your spending money here - choose either Excellent or Ideal Colour: Save some money here - anything I or above will appear white Clarity: Definitely save money here - You won't be able to see inclusions with the naked eye on a VS1 and above Finally, you will need to choose a diamond shape. This is a very personal decision so I highly recommend getting input from your human, and ideally getting your human to try on different shapes. I had one friend who was set on a princess cut her whole life....until she tried on a round and was an instant convert. Lauren Conrad has a great guide to your choices. A number of online providers are gaining prominence, the biggest being Brilliant Earth and James Allen. They offer better value for money and I have heard anecdotally that they are well respected. Let me know if you'd like further advice on sourcing diamonds.

The band

Ring setting: This is how a stone is fixed to a ring. While a Tiffany setting is the most commonly known (the diamond sitting bang on top of the ring without anything surrounding it), there are dozens of other options available. QReport has a good guide. If you choose a prong setting you have yet another set of decisions - the number of prongs (4 vs. 6) and Cathedral vs. Tiffany. All these decisions have implications on the security of your diamond, how easy it is to clean, and of course, security. Band type: Your main decision is a plain or pave band. A pave band has diamonds on it whereas a plain band is...plain. Consider the type of wedding band your human would want before deciding on this. See here for more Band colour: Platinum or White gold are the most popular options today but yellow gold and rose gold remain in the market. Again, this is very dependent on the jewellery colour usually worn by your human.

The execution

I recommend making some non-committal visits jewelry stores with your human and trying on rings. If you're comfortable, try it on the finger you'll eventually wear it. Nothing compares to trying something on when deciding what to get. Also consider insurance for your engagement ring. As a result of my very apparent clumsiness I had multiple people in my life (including my boss at work) insist on insurance. You can get this as part of contents insurance, or independently. For us, independent coverage was signifcantly more cost effective. If you choose independent coverage I recommend JewelCover - you can determine how much you'd like to insure the ring for and their prices and service are very reasonable. ...phew. It's a big endeavour and likely more nuanced than you bargained for (I just go buy a ring and ask right?). But it's so worth it. The ring on my finger is not just a constant, wonderful reminder of the idiot I've committed to (which always puts a smile on my face) but also a great little distraction e.g. I now get to play with the 'sunlight sparkle' bouncing off my finger. Instant joy.

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In October 2020 this crazy human gave me a beautiful, shiny, meaningful diamond ring. I still get distracted by it every day. The process of deciding the propose, buying a ring and figuring out how to propose can be overwhelming for anybody so here's the lowdown on proposal options - beginning to end.

First, decide who will propose. In some instances the world assumes it's the dude but in others it can be more complicated. Sit down, have an honest discussion, and come to an agreement. There's no need to work out timelines if you would like to keep it a surprise.

Second, agree on the proposal 'item'. Traditionally this is a ring but it could really be anything. See my post on The Engagement PC for more. If you choose a ring, before choosing a design, I highly recommend getting input from the person who will wear the ring every day for the rest of their life. There are a number of ways to do this . Refer to my post on Ring stuff for more.

Third, agree on the how. Depending on you and your relationship you can choose to go dramatic or simple, you can share the moment with friends or strangers or keep it to yourself. See my post on The proposal to find our your options.

Finally, decide if and how you want to share your news with the world. Again, many options depending on your preferences but since it's such a personal decision I will leave you to decide.