Requested by Anon: hey dunno you take requests but since your writing is so hot , I'm willing to ask if you consider writing about roleplaying with Cillian and his wife or gf to break the dull routine they were stuck into , the way he suggested that to her being embarrassed and the sweet moments they ditch the characters in bed. He could bring his characters *cough cough * Tommy shelby. Thank you x
Synopsis: In which your boyfriend, Cillian, finds out you’ve been reading erotic fiction about his character in the Peaky Blinders, Tommy Shelby. Cillian shows you how much of a great actor he is.
Warnings: Age gap, the reader is in her 20s and Cillian is in his 40s. Roleplaying, extremely rough sex, dumbification, degradation, face slapping, spitting, pussy spanking, oral sex, unprotected sex, breeding kink, and a little cnc. THIS IS KIND OF DARK SO BE WARNED. Everything is consented it’s just that... Cillian’s gonna be rough, like ROUGH
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Cillian had been busy. He had an upcoming new season this year and his schedule was packed. You haven’t spent time with him in quite some time now. He constantly apologized for not giving you enough attention and promised to make it up to you.
He decided to fulfill this promise.
Since he was the main character in his series ‘Peaky Blinders’, he did have massive privilege in the production. He had never done it before since he had been such a dedicated person to work with, however, he felt like he should sacrifice his work just for you. He wanted to spend the time with you, maybe have some dinner together at a nice restaurant. Just the usual things the both of you would do. Every time he had some free time he would do some nice things for you, treat you like a princess.
He came home from work that day, he got permission to take the week off and he even got back early from set. He wanted to surprise you, he had a flower in his hands a box of your favorite soft cookies. It was all so perfect.
When he came home, he saw that the first floor was empty and there were no signs of you anywhere. He went upstairs since he reckoned you were in the bedroom, probably taking a nap or reading a book.
Cillian was so happy. He was a man who barely showed any emotions in public but with you, it was different. He had a wide smile on his face, ready to surprise you but when he opened the door, he didn’t see you on the bed.
Instead, he heard the shower running and so he hummed to himself, setting the gifts down as he sat on the bed to wait for you.
As he patiently waited, he noticed your phone was still on. You were the type of person to let the screen go on forever instead of turning it off every 3 minutes like him. He glanced absentmindedly as he saw you were reading some sort of story on your phone. His actions were harmless, he just wanted to see what you were reading.
His eyes skimmed through the words as his blood runs cold.
‘Tommy had me bent over his desk, ass red and swollen from all the beatings. My pussy was leaking down onto the expensive wood, desperate for his cock to ram inside me.
“Please, Mr. Shelby, I need your cock!” I plead like a good whore as he growled.
“You are nothing but a filthy cocksleeve”
Tommy? Shelby? His Tommy Shelby? The character that he played?
It seemed like all of the blood started circulating to his face as he flushed at the filthy thing he had just read. Y/N? His sweet Y/N was reading something like that?
Cillian couldn’t believe it because someone as young and pure as he would never be this dirty. Because of their age gap, he saw her as someone that he needed to protect, shield from the rest of the goddamned world. His fragile little princess that he wouldn’t dare to inflict even a slight force in fear that she might break and shatter into pieces.
The sound of the shower became silent and it interrupted his thoughts, he quickly placed her phone where it belonged as he stood up and smoothened the spot on the bed where he sat to make it seem like he just came in.
When you had walked out, it took you a moment to notice Cillian standing there with your gifts but when you did, you gave him a small scream as you ran towards him, your figure wearing nothing but a small towel.
“Cillian?! You’re back? You brought me gifts!” You exclaimed as her wet body embraced him in a hug. Cillian was somewhat still blank from what he was reading earlier.
‘If she had liked that kinda stuff so much he could push her on the bed and beat her ass right now’
His eyes widened at his own thoughts as he tried to push them away, “Yes princess, I thought maybe I haven’t been paying attention to you now have I? I’m all yours for the week, baby”
You pouted as you nodded at him, and then he realized how submissive-looking you were. You had always had a demeanor of what he would expect someone much younger than him to have, however, Cillian was starting to look at it in a new light.
It doesn't help the fact that he still has his Thomas Shelby haircut for the filming.
It also doesn’t help she was almost naked in front of him, he hadn’t fucked her in weeks. It’s almost fitting.
Maybe doing something about it wouldn’t hurt now would it?
Oh... But it’s definitely gonna hurt you...
Cillian watched closely as the girl before him admired his gifts for her in awe. His eyes became more and more lusted as he figured out a way to approach you.
“Love, can I ask you a question?”
You hummed at him innocently as she raised her brows at him, “Anything, Cill...”
“What have you been reading on your phone, hmm?” Her eyes widened slightly as her heart started to pound in her chest. Cillian was looking at her so intensely that it was slightly scary. She didn’t know if she should lie, or if she should tell him the truth. However, since he had asked... It was obvious he knew the truth.
“Cillian I can explain” You sputtered, panicking on the inside as Cillian started closing whatever gap that both of you had, he was looking down on you in a way he had never done before. You felt the chill run down your spine as you felt the back of your knees hitting the bed.
“Explain” He commanded.
“It’s just... You know I love you and you know I should be honest to you no matter what. But... I just... We haven’t been together in a long time lately and even when we do... It’s always the same...” You felt guilty saying this to him, it’s not like he was bad at sex. He was great. However, you were getting bored with the same soft and loving sex you two always had. “I just... I hope you can be a little rougher, that’s all. You’ve always been... So soft”
“Soft... Hm?” He tilted his head to the side as he stared at you almost mockingly, “Be careful of what you wish for, love”
You had felt your heart stop when Cillian’s smooth Irish accent suddenly turned into the dark Brummie accent you had always heard about on the TV. The one you had always touched yourself to when he wasn’t around.
Then out of nowhere, Cillian had roughly pushed you on the bed as you fell down and whimpered softly. He pulled off the towel on your body as you were left naked, “C-Cillian!”
“Who the fuck is Cillian, eh? Have you been fucking whoring yourself out to another man?” Cillian cursed at you as he quickly took his clothes off, “You’re my whore. You’re mine to fuck, you got it?”
Then you can physically feel your gears shifting in your brain, “T-Tommy?”
Your body shivered as you felt yourself getting wet, you were all naked and you were ready for him. You felt your legs spread instinctively as you heard him laugh, “You really are such a desperate fucking cunt, eh?”
‘Tommy’ had bent down as he gripped your face by the cheeks and roughly shook your head, “Who do you belong to? Who do you fucking belong to?”
“Y-You Cill-Tommy! I belong to you!” Tommy smirked, as his hands traveled down to your navel, teasing you as he drew figures on the skin, making you whine, “Open your fucking mouth you dirty whore”
You wasted no time opening your mouth for him, wide with your tongue out. Suddenly, he did the unexpected when he spat in your mouth, “Fucking swallow it, princess”
You swallowed his spit like a good girl as you held out your tongue to show to him, suddenly seeking his praise and validation however it never came. Tommy just hummed as he let go of your face harshly, almost slamming your head onto the plush bedding.
Characters aside, Cillian was never like this. Throughout the year of your relationship, he had always been gentle and kind, treating you like a soft feather and taking care of you. Maybe because it was because he was much older he had felt like he needed to treat you gently. You never realized Cillian had this side to him. He had always had this side, you just never awaken it.
“Spread your legs wider” He commanded, his voice dark as his character, you listened to him, eager to show him you were his good girl as he hummed looking down at the glistening flesh in between your legs. You were so wet it had dripped down and leaked onto the bedsheet. Without a warning, Tommy gives a hard slap to your cunt and you screamed out. You thought he was doing it once but it seems like it came over and over again, beating your swollen pussy and clit until it was throbbing and red. You cried out of pleasure and pain, as you begged him. You didn’t know what you were begging for but it was sure not for him to stop.
“You fucking like this don’t you? Fucking hell, look at you. You’re fucking wet, you like getting fucking beaten and bruised huh? What a fucking whore. You are nothing. You are only good for fucking, you are only here to fuck. Remember that, you fucking cunt”
Tears were flowing down and you were desperate you were so desperate for his cock. After each word, Tommy spat on your body, leaving you all wet and filthy combined with your own sweat and arousal.
“P-Please! P-Please, fuck me, Tommy! Please I need your cock. Please I want your cum. I need it inside me!” You pleaded like a whore as he slapped your face. You moaned out as his hand traveled down your neck and choked it just enough to make you feel the air around you restricting. “Tommy, I can’t, I need your cock”
He scoffed, pulling down his pants as whipped out his cock. It was so hard to the point where it became purplish-red, the veins covering the base as the head leaked with pre-cum.
“You want my cock?” He lined up his tip on your vagina, “You fucking get it you cocksleeve”
Without giving you a warning and time to adjust, Tommy slammed his cock inside your cunt and he wasted no time ramming into you roughly. Not like you needed time to adjust since you were sopping wet. All you can do is choke out his name and moans as he grunts with each slam.
His pace was rough and deep and for someone like hin with his age, he had the stamina to go on and on fucking you so rough till you can feel him ramming in your stomach.
No words could even cum out of your mouth as your eyes rolled back as he fucks you braindead.
Spit drooling at the side of your mouth as you babble like a cock hungry whore underneath him.
“I’m gonna fucking cum and you’re gonna take it. You’re gonna fucking carry my babies, and even then it is not gonna stop me from fucking you stupid”
You could feel him twitching as his thrusts were getting sloppier and sloppier, you could also feel your orgasm coiling in your tummy as you cried out once you let it all go, the liquid splashing all over the both of you as you squirt on his dick.
You were heavily overstimulated and you screamed as Tommy fucked the cum out of him.
The warm seed spilled inside your walls as he grunted in pleasure, leaning down as he bit your neck and drew blood to the surface.
Tommy looked at you all fucked out, eyes still rolling at the back of your head as you continue to babble nonsense to nothing.
He breathes heavily as he lays down beside you, carefully moving your body to cuddle up to him.
“Like I said, my love... Be careful of what you wished for”
Warnings | Smut, breeding kink, free use lol, in public, exhibitionism, pregnancy (very few details cause… c’mon lol… I’m the one who wrote it💀), light humiliation.
Words | 1.5 k
Notes | Yeah this gif still makes me feral
Ao3 link | <3
Masterlist
Kinktober | day 2: free use + breeding kink
Tommy didn’t expect much from you as a wife. There were already staff who cooked and cleaned and you didn’t have any children yet. The one thing he did expect from you though, was being ready and willing to take his cock at any time of the day.
Sometimes he’d be more gentle about it, coaxing you away from whatever task or conversation you were involved in to somewhere more private where he’d ravish you until you could only think about him and his cock. Other times, he’d be more desperate.
If you happened to bring him lunch on a particularly stressful work day, he’d drag you in his office and bend you over the desk, fucking away all of his stress, if at least for a few minutes.
Sometimes at the race track he’d pull you away to a more secluded— but still very public— area and cover your mouth as he plowed into you, rough and desperate, borderline animalistic. If the sound of your muffled moans didn’t give you away, the loud slapping of skin definitely did, but he didn’t care. If he wanted you, nothing was stopping him from taking you.
A few times you even woke up to him lazily rutting into you, fucking you deep, but keeping the pace slow. He’d moan quietly, kissing and biting your neck, even sucking on the sensitive skin to leave marks.
If he was ever short on time, he’d force you to your knees and fuck your face, making you gag and choke on his cock until tears streamed down your cheeks. Sometimes he’d blow his load down your throat. But if you weren’t in public or in too much of a hurry for anything, he’d paint your pretty face with his come, marking you as his.
He knew you were embarrassed everytime you came back after he dragged you away. Every single time, without fail, you always looked like you were just fucked stupid. But that only encouraged him. He liked showing people that you belonged to him— that his wife was more than happy to satisfy him, even in public.
It was also common for him to pull over and make you ride his cock in the car, smiling at all the people who drove past. If he couldn’t pull over, he’d grab your hair and force you down on his cock. Even if he arrived at the destination, he wouldn’t stop until you drained his balls and swallowed every last drop. It didn’t matter if it was the middle of the day or if it was pitch black out— it didn’t even matter if the window was open or not. He’d fuck your face and throw his head back as the pleasure consumed him until he finally fell over the edge. Sometimes, his sounds would attract attention, and he loved the look on people’s faces when you lifted yourself up, smiling and wiping the lower half of your face with the back of your hand.
This didn’t happen often, but if he were ever in the middle of fucking you, too consumed by the feeling of your tight cunt squeezing his cock, and someone knocked on the door, he’d tell them to come in. It was usually someone you didn’t even know— one time it was Arthur… that was a particularly humiliating experience for you— but he wouldn’t stop. He’d keep you bent over his desk or on his lap and continue fucking you as you tried to not make any sounds. He always thought it was amusing when you tried to be quiet.
One time, he walked in on you holding Ada’s baby, smiling and cooing at him, making him giggle relentlessly. As soon as Tommy got you alone, his cock was inside you and he rambled on about fucking a baby into you, breeding you nice and deep until he knocked you up. His words were almost incoherent with arousal as he described this fantasy of your belly full with his kid, your tits swollen with milk, and the glow that you’d have from all of it. He rambled on about raising them together, how good you’d look as the mother of his kids, how he wanted to fuck baby after baby into you… breed you until he fucking ran out of come.
That sparked a conversation between the two of you. While the original plan was to wait a few years, you both agreed to shorten that time frame. So less than two years later, you were off of birth control and he was breeding you every chance he had. Honestly you were getting a little worn out, but you never complained. No matter how tiring it could be, you still absolutely loved it.
It became even more of a frequent occurrence for you to be walking around with either come soaked panties or come running down your thighs. He also took a liking to cock warming. In bed, on his desk chair, in the car— anywhere he could— he’d fuck you and fill you with his come, then keep you plugged up, wanting to make sure it really had a chance to take.
At home, he’d put you in the mating press position, then stuff you full of his come. Only instead of letting you relax, he'd keep your hips tilted up so none of it could leak out and make you come again with his mouth as a reward for staying in that position.
The first time he fucked you after finding out you were pregnant… he was practically feral. The fact that there was a baby inside you— that it was his baby, made him all but lose control. He ravaged you with an intensity he’s only had a few times, rambling on about how he planned to fuck you like this for a while since he would eventually have to be gentler— if he could even fuck you at all. The problem was that his promise didn’t just apply to when he fucked you in the privacy of your own home, but it was just a problem for you. Tommy loved that you couldn’t keep quiet.
Months down the line, rough, hard fucking turned into gentle love making. He’d kiss you tenderly as his hips rocked into you, keeping the pace almost tortuously slow. He tended to kiss over your stomach whenever he could and caress it with gentle hands. Both of you were surprised and disappointed by the fact that your breasts were far too tender for any touch to feel good. So he kept his hands and mouth elsewhere.
The love making usually took place in bed. But every once in a while, he’d come up behind you and wrap his arms around your small frame, placing his hands on your belly as he kissed your neck until he finally got too impatient and lifted your dress to slip his cock inside.
Around eight months, and even for weeks after the birth, he showed no sign of needing you like that. He never made you feel pressured either, even when he’d hold you at night. You were grateful though because your body definitely wasn’t ready for that yet.
It was a little after two months postpartum that you were becoming a bit too needy though. One day, after watching him play with and hold the baby, you finally snapped. The second you were alone you practically jumped his bones, kissing him almost animalistically and pulling on his hair until he moaned into your mouth and finally grabbed your hips.
“Love,” He started, but cut off when you unzipped your dress and let it fall to the floor, pooling around your feet.
“If you don’t fuck me right now I’m going to lose my mind.” You warned breathily, working on ripping his clothes off.
“Slow down, darling. You have to be careful.” He said gently, making you more frustrated.
“Thomas Shelby, I swear to god if you don’t fuck me, I’ll go find someone who will.” You growled, giving him one last warning. He raised his brows, shocked and amused by your words. “I carried your child for nine months. The least you could do is make me come on your cock until I forget my own name.”
“You’re that needy, eh?” He smirked, making you scowl. “Calm down, Mrs. Shelby, I’ll give it to you…” you still get butterflies when he calls you that, “but you know I can’t resist teasing you.”
“You’ve teased me for months. Either fuck the shit out of me or I’ll get it from someone else.” You said, voice low and almost threatening, but you knew it only made Tommy more amused.
“How have I teased you for months?” He asked innocently.
“Christ, Tommy— just fuck me already. You have to do what I say because I just birthed a whole baby for you.”
“I guess you're right.” He said with a sly smirk. “Until you forget your own name?” You nodded eagerly and he walked you backwards until your legs hit the bed. Once you were laying down, he crawled over you and kissed you deeply, making you moan against his lips and bring your hands up to his hair. “As you wish, darling.”
summary: you are due to be married to the leader of an enemy gang to the peaky blinders. the night before your wedding, you make thomas shelby an offer he can’t refuse.
wc: 5k
tags: 18+, MDNI, NSFW, Canon typical gang/violence talk, Tommy is Mr. Steal Your Girl, Cheating/scandal, Virginity loss, Age gap (Reader is early 20s, Tommy is late 40s), Tommy uses reader to get to his enemies, Smut (v fingering, fem receiving oral, unprotected p in v), Choking, Finger sucking, Possessive!Tommy, Dom!Tommy, Reader is a lil depraved, Reader wants that cookie so fucking bad, Spot the Twin Peaks reference, Dirty talk, Spitting, Biting, Bits of Soft!Tommy, Degradation, Overstimulation, Innocence kink? Bit of violence at the end
read on ao3
-
There wasn’t a soul in Birmingham that had not heard of Thomas Shelby.
Hearing whispers of his name throughout your mid to late teens made him seem, in your mind, like some sort of boogeyman.
Even now, you heard his name uttered through whispered breaths as though saying it too loud would summon him.
Like his name was a curse.
The first time you caught sight of him, the first time you put a face to the name, there was a momentary shift in the way you viewed the man.
In your mind, Thomas Shelby was a monster. He took, he killed, he robbed. Mercy was not something he entertained.
In reality, Thomas Shelby was just a man.
A cold, violent man.
But a man nonetheless.
He commanded the entire room as soon as he entered it. An unlit cigarette between his lips, flat cap pulled low on his head. You almost could not see his eyes. His trench coat flowed behind him as he walked, surrounded by his cronies.
Heading straight towards you.
And yet, for some reason, you did not fear him at all.
He came to a stop beside the table you sat at. His brothers loomed behind him, but he took the lead.
“May I?” Thomas asked, nodding once towards the seat opposite you.
You nodded curtly. “Please,” you welcomed.
He took the seat before you gave your answer.
“You’re Fischer’s wife.”
He posed it as a statement, not a question.
Your jaw flexed at the mention of your soon-to-be husband. “Not yet. He’s yet to tie me down in loveless matrimony, if you must know, Mr. Shelby.”
Thomas seemed impressed by your defiance, if just for a moment. His icy exterior was not broken for long.
“You seem smart enough. I’m sure you’re aware your fiancé wants me dead.”
“You want him dead too,” you reminded him.
“It’s nothing personal.”
“If only it was.”
Something changed in Thomas’ eyes. His lip twitched, like he was itching to smirk, but he resisted, remaining personal. Instead, he reached into his pocket.
In the presence of Thomas Shelby, anyone else would have flinched if he reached into his pocket, expecting to be met with the cold steel of a gun.
You did not.
And he noticed that.
You could see his eyes now.
He was nothing like the stories you’d heard as a teen.
These weren’t the eyes of a boogeyman.
Wordlessly, his piercing blue eyes never leaving yours, he extended a cigarette towards you.
You wondered if he did this often with future wives of rival gang members.
You took the cigarette regardless. Your fingers brushed against his.
You leaned forward, and with a flick of his lighter, Thomas lit your cigarette for you.
You took a long drag, exhaling deeply, as Thomas lit up his own.
“I don’t often share cigarettes with gangsters.”
He hummed in amusement, though his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Your fiancé lets you plan every move his little gang makes. But he won’t let you smoke.”
Again, it was not a question. Like he already knew just how cowardly your future husband was.
You exhaled another puff of smoke, holding his gaze. “Men are strange creatures, Mr. Shelby.”
He smirked. “Indeed they are.”
You raised the cigarette to your lips again. “So you know.”
Thomas continued to stare.
His gaze made you feel X-rayed.
You didn’t mind it.
“Yes. I know.”
“That why you’re here, Mr Shelby?” you queried. “Here to kill me? Teach my fiancé a lesson?”
He seemed genuinely amused at the suggestion. “Being a gangster isn’t all about killing people, love. It’s about negotiation. It’s about fear.”
You paused. “Well, I’m not afraid of you.”
Thomas did not seem fazed. Like this was all part of his plan. “I’m not asking you to be.”
“Then what are you asking, Mr Shelby?” you challenged him.
“Nothing.” He said it honestly. You believed him. “Just need it to get back to your fiancé that I was here. Talking to his woman. Make his mind spiral. Then the fear starts.”
“So we’re just… talking.”
It was absurd. If you told the teenaged you that you would be sitting in a bar, sharing a cigarette with Thomas Shelby - feared mobster and leader of the Peaky Blinders - she would have said you were fucking stupid.
“Just talking,” Thomas reaffirmed.
“I heard stories of you, growing up,” you confessed, tapping your cigarette into the ash tray before you. “You struck the fear of God into me, Thomas Shelby.”
His chest seemed to swell a little at that. As though striking the fear of God into a young woman was something to be proud of.
Or maybe it was the fact you had heard of him.
“And look at you now. You’re not afraid at all, are you?”
There was a feeling - deep within your chest, nestled in the base of your stomach. It was warm, burning like a fire. It did not feel like fear.
No. You weren’t afraid. You were intrigued.
“You’re not asking me to be afraid,” you reminded him.
“No. I’m not.”
Your cigarette fizzled out between your fingers, a symbol of your meeting coming to an end. “You’re not what I expected,” you admitted.
Thomas stubbed out his cigarette in the ash tray. He stood, his chair scraping against the wood floor, echoing louder than it should have.
Everything he did left an impression.
Thomas took your hand, bent slightly, and kissed it politely.
His lips brushing against the skin of your hand sent a chill through your body.
“Neither are you,” said Thomas.
His gang began to retreat towards the doors of the pub. Their eyes raked over you as though you were something intriguing.
You did not look at them.
You just looked at Thomas.
He tipped his cap towards you, a gesture of farewell. “Good day, Miss.”
And like a beast disappearing into the night, he was gone.
-
You thought often of Thomas Shelby, even though you knew you shouldn’t. Should had never stopped you before. It was an odd word. You shouldn’t be involved in planning attacks for your fiancé’s gang.
You shouldn’t feel cold or unseen, laying next to the man you were supposed to marry.
And you shouldn’t be fantasising about your future husband’s mortal enemy. About his piercing blue eyes, the deep rumble of his voice, the calloused skin of his fingers brushing against your own.
That singular touch - one that lasted not even two seconds - ignited a fire within you that your husband never had. Never would.
The day of your wedding - your entrapment - crept up on you. One month. One week. Tomorrow.
Your groom had not been happy when word reached him that his woman had been sitting in a bar, sharing a cigarette with Thomas Shelby of the Peaky Blinders. Insults had been exchanged aplenty. Names flew out of his mouth that bounced off your skin. An opinion of a man like him did not matter to you.
“Are you Thomas Shelby’s fucking whore now?” he had demanded, spit flying from his mouth.
Your response was meant to anger him. You wanted him to feel the words burrowing underneath his skin, feel them festering there.
But your tone revealed the truth in the words.
“I’d rather be his whore than your wife.”
It was dark when you said it. The words travelled out into the moonless night, floating down the street as if leading you somewhere. Luckily, your pathetic excuse of a fiancé did not follow you out into the cold evening air.
Down the street. Towards an address you had seen scrawled on the back of threatening letters to your fiancé - inviting him to come and try his luck on the life of Thomas Shelby.
Or maybe it was an invite to you.
The knock on his door reverberated into the night.
There was that word again: should. You shouldn’t be here. You should hope that he doesn’t answer.
But you are. And you don’t.
You hope he answers - and he does.
His usual stoic expression did not soften when he saw you. Despite it being deep into the night, Thomas was still dressed to work. His vest, trousers and shoes pristine as ever, the sleeves of his white undershirt rolled up to his elbows. A part of you was expecting him to be stained with the blood of his enemies.
Preferably the blood of your husband-to-be.
“Your man know you’re here?” Thomas asked.
You laughed, the idea ridiculous to you. “He doesn’t know anything about what I do.”
Thomas smirked. Like that was the answer he wanted. “And what is it you’re here to do?”
You. No, too vulgar.
“I’d like to ask you something. If you can find the time, of course.” You added the last part almost scathingly. As though sizing him up, letting him know that you were equals. That you were not to be toyed with.
Thomas looked at you with an expression that suggested he was not used to being talked to like anything other than a leader, a boss.
But it didn’t look like he hated it. Not coming from you.
“Well,” Thomas clicked his tongue, and then he finally opened the door fully, stepping back and allowing you the space to cross the threshold into his home. “Come in and ask it in the warm, at least.”
It was almost like he cared.
Thomas lead you through his hallway into a room at the back of the house, where a fire was crackling welcomingly. The warmth of the room filled your whole body. A desk stood before the fireplace, half-written letters strewn across its surface.
Thomas did not invite you to sit. He resumed his position at his desk, the one you assumed he had been in before your knock derailed his work. You stood in front of his desk with your hands clasped in front of you, as though you were a choir singer about to serenade him, or a salesman about to con him.
“Your dear fiancé fears what I might do to you. That’s why you’re here, eh?” He did not look up from whatever important words he was writing when he spoke.
You tilted your head. “Partly,” you answered honestly. “What’s he got to fear? What might you do to me? Tommy?”
The use of his nickname made him raise his head. Those eyes met yours. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip. Tommy leaned back in his chair, placing his pen down on his papers. “What do you want me to do to you?”
You shuddered at his words. “It would be sinful of me to say it.”
He quirked an eyebrow, as if he already knew what you were about to say. He welcomed it without batting an eyelid. “I’m a killer. I know all about sin. You’re in good company to be sinful.”
Tommy looked like sin. He smelled like it. Maybe he was your sin. And this time, you weren’t looking to repent.
“So go on,” he ordered. “Ask away.”
You stared into his eyes for a moment. They were the colour of a lake you could happily drown in. Thomas Shelby was captivating.
Really, you were just another of his victims. A victim of his words.
A victim of his gaze.
A victim of your own desire.
The words left you calmly. There was no more room within you for shame.
Just for him.
“I want you to fuck me, Tommy.”
Like him, you did not ask. You demanded.
Tommy raised his eyebrows inquisitively. He leaned forward, the proposition intriguing. “You want me to fuck you?” he repeated.
He wanted to hear you say it again.
“I want you. To fuck me.”
He chuckled. “Fiancé not satisfying you?”
“He never has. And he never will. I will not let him own that part of me. I want it to be you.”
Something glinted in Tommy’s eyes.
Excitement.
Intrigue.
Desire.
Tommy stood, his eyes never leaving yours. He moved slowly around the desk, as if taunting you with the proximity between you both growing smaller and smaller. “You came here to ask me to fuck you. Pathetic, really.”
“I’m to be married tomorrow,” you informed him calmly, trying desperately to ignore the hammering of your heart against your ribcage and the growing pool of desire between your legs. “Tonight I make my own decisions.”
“And your last decision before you marry your husband is to fuck the man who wants to kill him.” Despite his degrading words, Tommy’s tone was not judgemental. It was almost impressed. Like he admired your honesty.
Like he wanted this as much as you did.
Tommy dared to touch you first. His large, manly hand caressed the side of your face, thumb running delicately along your jawline. “Why is it you’re not afraid of me?” he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper, low and gravelly in his throat.
There were a million ways you could answer that question. But you went with the one that flipped your stomach whenever you thought it. The one that felt like a crown of thorns wrapping around your heart. The one that was being whispered into your ear by the Devil on your shoulder.
“You’re not the only one who wants my husband dead.”
A proud smirk made its way onto Tommy’s infuriatingly handsome face. His whole hand fit around your face. He could cover your mouth if he wanted to. The way you were sure your fiancé would do.
But Tommy Shelby was not him. He was everything the man you were set to marry would never be. To your future husband, he was the man he hated the most. To you, he was the object of all your desires.
Tommy did not cover your mouth. He heard you. He worked with you. Instead, he gently squeezed your soft cheeks between his hand. Gentler than you had ever thought Tommy was capable of being.
“You’re his from tomorrow. So you’re mine for tonight.”
You would never belong to your husband. But you would take being Tommy’s. So you nodded. Opened your mouth enough to whisper, “Kiss me.”
He did. His lips were rough against yours, moving with passion. The same lips that threatened and cursed, that humiliated and insulted the man who was supposed to kiss you like this.
The hand that had been cupping your jaw moved down to your throat, wrapping around with no effort. Tommy squeezed gently, eliciting a desperate gasp from your mouth. He smirked against your lips, like that was the reaction he wanted.
With his other hand, Tommy touched every part of you he could. His fingers combed through your hair. He cupped your breast. He squeezed your ass. His hand roamed as though he wanted to mark every part of you he could, taint your soft skin with the sin the two of you were about to commit.
“Get on the desk.” Tommy moaned the words into your mouth, one possessive hand still wrapped around your throat, the other grasping your lower back, pulling your body as close to his as possible.
“What for?” you gasped.
“So I can kneel.”
Tommy practically shoved you into a sitting position on a free space of his wooden desk. Even now, he was anything but gentle - and you weren’t complaining a bit.
You weren’t here to be handled gently.
You were here to get fucked by the gangster you’d grown up hearing stories about. To feel his blood-stained hands all over your body.
Tommy wasted no time, kneeling before you like a man at a confessional about to confess his deepest of sins. This definitely wasn’t his worst of discretions. It was just another addition to his growing list.
And you were happy to be that, just for tonight.
“Those letters over there are to your fiancé,” Tommy murmured into the tender skin of your thigh, nodding towards the papers beside you on the desk. With one hand, his fingertips pressed into your thigh so hard you were sure you would be bruised in a matter of minutes. With the other, he tore off your underwear like they were a hinderance, ripping them clean in two. He tossed the fabric over his shoulder like it was nothing. “Shall I put this in writing?” he asked darkly, pushing apart your legs, revealing your already dripping pussy to his hungry eyes.
You had no time to respond, because Tommy seemingly could not hold himself back any longer. He licked a long, singular stripe along your folds, the sound of your loud moan music to his ears.
“If he could fucking see this.” Tommy groaned, moving his lips from your pussy to pepper sweet, tempting kisses along your inner thigh. “His woman, spread open on my desk.”
“Not his woman,” you breathed, your hands tangling in Tommy’s hair. “Yours tonight.”
Tommy smirked at you from between your legs, moving your legs so they were draped over his shoulders. The scratchy fabric of his vest irritated the back of your thighs but you were beyond caring about discomfort at this point.
“Good fucking girl,” Tommy practically growled, before reconnecting his tongue to your aching pussy, licking and sucking and nipping from your folds to your clit.
Your head hung backwards, eyes squeezed shut. You were certain at one point you could see stars bursting across your vision as Tommy continued his relentless lapping at your pussy. One hand pulled and tugged at his dark hair with every move his tongue made on your cunt, the other gripped the edge of his desk so hard your hand was aching already.
“Fuck yes, Thomas… Keep going, please,” your whines and moans spurred him on, sucking and licking at your clit like his life depended on it. You had never felt pleasure like this before and you were certain you never would again.
You let out a strangled gasp when Tommy shoved his index finger inside of you, continuing to suck on your clit like a man starved. He slipped a second finger inside of you, his fingers working in tandem with his mouth. With his fingers pumping rhythmically and his mouth sucking determinedly, your orgasm ripped through you. Incoherent words and gasps and moans spilled from your mouth as you came all over Tommy’s tongue. He lapped up every last drop, coaxing you through it with praises and groans that sent vibrations through your entire body.
Eventually, Tommy stood, his mouth slick from your juices and his eyes almost feral for you. Your chest heaved, your entire body trembled from the force of the orgasm he had just brought you to.
But Tommy was nowhere near done with you.
And Tommy Shelby got what he wanted.
Almost towering over you now, staring down at you with lust-filled eyes, Tommy continued to pump his two fingers inside of you, curling them just right to reach that sweet spot inside of you once more. “You can handle another one, can’t you?” Tommy murmured into your skin, pressing soft kisses up your neck and across your jawline.
“Tommy,” you whined, clutching at the shoulders of his vest now, the scratchy material bunching up in your fists from the sheer force of how hard you were holding onto him. “It hurts.”
“But it feels good, doesn’t it, love?” Tommy sighed into your ear, his free hand clutching your face.
You nodded. Because fuck, it felt good. Your entire body shook and you felt like you were on fire, but that sensation building up in your lower stomach was Heavenly.
“You’re a good girl, you’re gonna take it,” Tommy shushed you, teasing a third finger at your entrance. “You look so pretty when you cum for me.”
His words, combined with his fingers and their relentless work inside of you was enough to tip you over the edge. You clutched his shirt and let out a strangled moan, feeling yourself about to fall apart once more.
Tommy had one more request to make before you did.
“Look at me,” Tommy ordered, fingers knuckles deep inside of you. You did, lips parted and eyes heavy with desire. His ocean blue eyes met yours, his expression deadly serious, like this was an art form to him.
Your second orgasm in five minutes came rushing, every inch of your body shaking as you chanted Tommy’s name like a forgotten prayer. He continued to finger you through your orgasm, eyes watching you intently, almost intrigued by you and how your body reacted to him.
When the feeling of immense pleasure subsided, Tommy smirked satisfactorily and removed his fingers from your soaked pussy. His fingers were wet with your slick. “Taste yourself,” he ordered. “Taste how fucking sweet you are.”
You took his fingers in your mouth without question, swirling your tongue around them and tasting your own juices. Tommy’s breath actually trembled as he watched you. He used it to his advantage that he had you wrapped around his finger, but in reality, you had him exactly the same way.
“Good girl,” Tommy praised you, removing his fingers from your mouth. “All sweet and innocent. Just for me, isn’t it?”
You nodded, too overwhelmed and overstimulated from his mouth and his fingers to form a coherent sentence.
“Words, sweetheart,” Tommy commanded. “Use your words or I won’t fuck you.”
“Just for you, Tommy,” you breathed, barely louder than a whisper.
“He’s never gonna make you feel like this, is he?” Tommy growled possessively, lips ghosting over yours. “Never gonna make your pretty pussy cum like I do.”
You shook your head. Completely at his mercy.
“Open your mouth,” Tommy ordered, pulling your bottom lip down with his thumb before you even processed the request. You stuck your tongue out before he even asked you to, and when he spat onto your tongue, you gladly closed your mouth. “Swallow,” he told you, still clutching your jaw in his hand. You did as he asked, opening your mouth and showing him the smooth surface of your tongue once more to show him you’d complied.
Tommy groaned. “Such a good little plaything for me, aren’t you, sweetheart? Makes me want to keep you. He doesn’t deserve to have you like this.”
“Tommy, please,” you whimpered, tugging at his shirt, bringing his body closer to yours. You wrapped your still shaking legs around his waist, grinding your naked pussy against his clothed, hard cock. “Need you to fuck me.”
Tommy raised his eyebrows, smirking as he began to undo the buttons of his vest, tossing it away and then beginning to work on his shirt. “Want me to ruin you now, hm?”
“Think you want it just as much,” you argued, eyes raking over Tommy’s now bare chest. Even the faded ink of his tattoos enthralled you.
Your index finger ran over the tattoo on his pec. He watched you admiring him, his eyes still hungry, but something else shimmered behind his blue irises now. Something almost sweet, practically affectionate.
Tommy Shelby was not sweet.
But maybe for you he was willing to be.
You leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss over his chest tattoo. Your mouth acted before your mind did, your teeth softly grazing the skin just above his nipple. You bit him.
Tommy hissed through his teeth in surprise at your action. Though when you looked up at him, he was actually smiling.
You had never seen Thomas Shelby smile before.
Smirk, yes. But never smile.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you liked me, Mr. Shelby,” you smiled sweetly back at him.
“I do like you,” Tommy murmured, resting his forehead against yours, his nose brushing against your cheek. Your hand once again came up to rest on the back of his head, bringing him closer to you. “I like how innocent you are even with all the blood on your hands. I like that you’re about to give this sweet little virgin pussy up to me.”
You heard the clinking of his belt and the rustling of the material of his trousers as Tommy freed his hard cock from his briefs. You stole a glimpse at his length, watching as his strong hand pumped his cock a few times. You were pleasantly surprised. You had no idea a dick could be so pretty.
Tommy’s lips feathered a soft kiss upon your jawline. “I’ll be gentle if you want me to.”
You shook your head. Tommy raised his head from your neck, his traditional Shelby smirk back on his face. “You don’t want me to be gentle?”
“If I wanted gentle, I wouldn’t have come to Tommy Shelby.”
You’d heard stories of the Boogeyman.
And you wanted the fucking Boogeyman.
Tommy tilted his head to the side, his hooded lust-filled eyes never leaving yours. “Whatever you like.”
One of Tommy’s hands gripped your lower back, pulling you as close to him as possible. The other rested on the smooth surface of the wooden desk so hard his knuckles were already turning white, giving himself balance as he shoved himself into you inch by inch.
Your head tilted backwards, mouth open in a breathy moan. You felt lightheaded at the length and the thickness of him, like you could fall backwards, but Tommy was supporting you and wouldn’t let that happen. Your eyes watered, a combination of the pain and the pleasure.
Tommy didn’t move for a moment, allowing you time to adjust to the new sensation of his cock buried inside of you. His eyes met yours, tone deadly serious as he asked, “Feel okay, sweetheart?”
“Feels- Feels good,” you breathed heavily. “Please move.”
Tommy tutted, giving a single shake of his head. He pressed light kisses along your tear-stained cheeks, whispering against your skin, “You’re gonna need to beg better than that.”
“Please,” you whined, pulling his lips down onto yours, moaning against his mouth. “Please fuck me, Thomas.”
Either he was satisfied with just your few seconds of begging, or he was just too impatient to wait. Tommy snapped his hips against yours, reaching an unforgiving, brutal pace, his cock hitting spots inside of you that you didn’t even know existed. His movements drew out every moan, every whimper, every guttural sound from your very soul.
Something animalistic glinted in Tommy’s eyes with every hard thrust. His arm wrapped around your back, supporting you as each roll of his hips forced you further back onto the desk until you were led on your back, splayed across Tommy’s important letters, the savvy businessman side of him overtaken by the primal beast of a man now hovering over you, pounding harder and harder with each passing second.
Your legs were still wrapped around his waist, heels digging into his lower back, pushing him as far inside of you as possible. With his now free hands, Tommy pushed your thighs back to allow himself deeper access inside of you. His cock stretched you out painfully, but the pain was delicious. He slotted inside of you perfectly, like you were made to be fucked by him.
Every moan and shriek that left your mouth spurred him on, feeling himself getting closer and closer with each pretty sound you made.
“You feel - fucking - perfect,” Tommy groaned, each word punctuated by another brutal thrust that caused tears to prick at the corners of your eyes.
Tommy’s hand curled around your neck once more, his pace never faltering. “Look at me, pretty girl,” he growled.
When you did, you saw him. Thomas Shelby - leader of the Peaky Blinders - the monster you’d heard stories about.
The monster you used to fear.
The monster stealing your innocence on the desk at which he had drafted countless death threats - smearing your lipstick all over a letter addressed to the man you were set to marry in a few hours.
He had officially fucked every ounce of fear out of you, and replaced it with an inhumane, Unholy dedication.
“Don’t take your eyes off me,” Tommy ordered in what you were sure was his gangster voice - it was hot as fuck. The muscles in his chest and arms flexed with each thrust, he bit down on his bottom lip gently, his brow furrowed with concentration, a bead of sweat running down his temple.
He was fucking gorgeous. You couldn’t even resent him for it.
Your nails scratched at Tommy’s biceps as his thrusts became more sporadic. You could tell he was close based on his movements and the desperate pants leaving his mouth, his hot breath fanning on your cheek.
“I’m close, Tommy,” you cried. “Gonna cum again.”
“Cum for me then, pretty girl. Let me feel it.”
Whatever Tommy wanted, Tommy got.
Your pussy clenched around his cock as you reached your climax. White spots burst across your vision. Your entire body felt like it was on fire and your legs shook. Your third orgasm crashed over you like the sea onto rocks, and with a string of exclcamatorys from his filthy mouth, Tommy’s orgasm followed yours, spilling his cum into your newly fucked-out pussy.
There was silence as the two of you caught your breath. Tommy helped you into a sitting position, his arm around your waist supporting your trembling body.
Tommy opened his mouth to speak.
You got there first.
“Kill him.”
Tommy froze, eyes locked on yours. “Who?” he asked, his voice hoarse.
There was that word again. Should.
You should not have just allowed the man who lusted after your future husband’s blood to lust after you.
You should not have just let Thomas Shelby fill you up with his cum.
You should not have a deadly gangster wrapped around your little finger.
But you did. And you do.
And that’s what made you decide it.
“My husband. Kill him.”
Whatever Tommy wanted, Tommy got.
What he wanted now, more than anything, was you.
And he was going to get it. With just one bullet, a bloodstain on your wedding dress and a glimpse at the merciless monster you’d heard tales of growing up.
Summary: Joel never thought he’d need a vasectomy. Then, one night, he accidentally finishes inside you.
Warnings: 18+. Unprotected-peepaw-p-in-v (I’m sorry). Accidental creampie. Age gap. Cumplay. Breeding kink. Ovulation has led me places I wouldn’t go with a gun.
Note: Convergence is a painting by Jackson Pollock. We studied it in high school and I thought it looked like jizz idk
Word count: 4.7k
Prequel | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
He should’ve gotten snipped when he had the chance.
Should’ve taken the plunge, faced his fears of needles and fluorescent-washed doctor’s offices like any man his age could have done and gotten the damn vasectomy. Now he was here, nearly two decades older and still none the wiser in this cold, dead world with a pretty young thing like you between his sheets. In lieu of elective surgery, Joel Miller had only to grit his teeth, bite hard, and repeat over and over again in his head, desperate:
Words like those normally worked. With women that weren’t you, they tended to serve him exceedingly well.
But you were just so tight. And wet. And welcoming. And try as Joel might to pretend like he got laid on a regular basis, the truth was that he didn’t. Wouldn’t. Couldn’t seem to think straight when it came to this fixation he’d developed for you, so, instead, he let his dick do all the decision-making whenever he found himself around you. Ten times out of ten that ended in:
And that made it worth every last life-endangering drop.
Feeling how your flushed, lithe body came apart beneath his touch. How you needed him. How your eyes grew to half the size of your face and you gaped up at the man, lips parted, like you couldn’t even comprehend how the friction of seven inches could make you feel so good.
If he had it his way, he would’ve loved nothing more than to show you that feeling every night, and twice the next morning if his hip wasn’t giving him too much trouble.
But, at present, the man had bigger fish to fry. Like not becoming a new father at fifty-nine if he could help it.
With the last two fluttering pulses of your heat, and almost going cross-eyed from the pleasure as he felt it, Joel yanked his big, slippery cock out of your body and made a fist around his member as he always knew to do. Tugged and pulled and grunted above you—‘Sweet girl, you’re so fuckin’ good to me’—and watched your tits and your belly for the milky white ropes to ensue.
Strangely, though, your skin stayed the same.
No cum-spray Convergence appeared before him, no opaque and cloudy fluids dribbling down your ribs, nothing. Your stomach was as bare as the rest of you, save for a few beads of sweat, and that was all there was.
Joel shook his dick harder, confused. Beneath him, you were still coming down from your high smiling ear-to-ear and staring blissfully at the ceiling. Your chest rose and fell, rose and fell in quick succession, and while you endeavored to recollect your mind, Joel was losing his.
Where the FUCK was his cum?
In no naked horizontal tango to date had Joel simply…cum without noticing. Shit like that just didn’t happen to men, least of all to ones his age, so when he’d wrung his poor cock like a sodden towel and still saw nothing come out, he felt his stomach turn and plummet inside him.
He dropped to his hands and knees in less than a moment and lowered his head between your legs.
“No, Joel!” you squealed, giggling. Kicking your feet, “Another round and I’m gonna combust, you old perv!”
But Joel wasn’t looking to get his dick wet again. He was inspecting you. Or trying to, anyway. Quickly realizing he couldn’t see a thing in the darkness, he let out a breath through his nose and lifted you off the bed. Your naked frame thrown over his shoulder, bare hip beside his head and your strangled, muffled cry of, ‘What the hell, Joel?!’ hardly seemed to register with the man carrying you off.
You were toted to the bathroom. Joel was about to ease you down on your feet. Then, appearing to change his mind at the last second, he set you onto the sink instead. Your skin bristled with indignation, anger. A little arousal.
“Last time we did it on a sink we broke the faucet,” you reminded him, feigning more dismay than you really felt inside. If anything, you liked it when your fossil-age fuckbuddy switched things up. You were just exhausted.
Heedless of your words, Joel kneeled on the floor and pried your legs apart before him. When you swatted at his silver-flecked head, he brushed your hand away.
“Hold still,” he grunted.
“How come?”
“‘Cause I said.”
How quickly he commanded that tone of a father.
“Wanna sleep,” you groaned, about to roll your eyes.
But you couldn’t deny you liked being doted on by him.
Joel’s touch was gentle. Probing. Spidering down the most sensitive parts of your bare lower half, between your thighs, and slowly coaxing you closer to the edge of the sink. Your breath hitched when you saw his head tilt.
He appeared to be deep in thought—a rare sight for anyone who’d seen Joel Miller in the postcoital state. Most every time he’d blown his load before, the man was dead asleep within ten minutes. His joints could barely hold himself upright after a half hour of plowing the back forty, much less carry you, too, so you were puzzled now.
He thumbed at the seam of your cunt, and you whined:
“Jo-el—”
“Can ya…push, baby?” His eyes flitted up quickly.
“Push?”
“Yeah, just…” With a look you couldn’t quite read, he placed the palm of his other hand on your belly. Then, pressing, “Like this. Like you’re squeezin’ somethin’ out.”
You cocked a brow in muted confusion but did as he asked. You watched his gaze, and it stayed on you.
Or, rather, on that soft and pliant spot between your legs the old man seemed to favor so much. On any other occasion, in a position like this, he surely would’ve been wearing a smile. Tonight, his lips curled into a grimace.
And twisted even further when you ‘pushed’ like you did.
At first you felt nothing. A gentle clench of your walls supplied little more than a sense of having been stretched—no novel concept to you, who’d spent the last three-and-a-half months or so getting fucked by the finest AARP affiliate alive most every night. It wasn’t until you clamped down again that you got the feeling there was something else. Something thick and warm and slow as molasses trickling out from between your folds.
You let out a low, tender, ‘Mmph’ without meaning to; it felt kind of nice. Beneath you, Joel’s face turned grave.
He watched as his spend oozed out of your freshly-fucked hole and thought of vasectomies again.
You were young—too young to know better. Too sweet and naïve to see any peril in spreading your legs for a man like him, in a world like this. And Joel swore he’d be careful. But no post-apocalyptic birth control method was perfect, or even close to it, and it was clear he’d relied too heavily on reflexes to keep him from cumming inside you. Joel was old—too old to be doing this shit.
Too grown and well-versed in sex to be making mistakes as stupid as that. His brow pinched in, and he drew his next breath as if the air around him was growing scarce.
“Joel, what’s—”
“When’s the last time you— you— uh…bled?”
Hardly more in control of his face than the rate his heart went thudding in his chest, Joel winced at the end. This time, you were the one to knit your eyebrows together. You could tell by that tight, discomfited tone he wasn’t talking papercuts, but were still unsure of his purpose.
“Like two, two and a half weeks ago. Why?”
Well, fuck.
Joel buried his face in his hands. You scooted closer to the sink’s edge, thinking little of his cum leaking out.
“Why?” you tried again. Softer this time.
An old, weathered head lifted to greet you. It was bleak.
“You see this?” Joel paused. Swiping his finger through the viscous white substance that had trickled out on the counter, in a puddle now, “Y’know what it means, right?”
You let his look, and the question, remain suspended in air for a second. Then another. Then you shrugged.
“Yeah. But…you’re old,” came your answer at length.
You’re old.
Joel and you both knew as much, but the former wasn’t quite following your train of thought. Still wanting to try and mitigate damages while he could, though, Joel reached for the roll of toilet paper that was fastened to the wall and tore himself a strip. He bunched it up and, reaching for one of your knees to spread you further for him, took to daubing the tissue across your entrance.
“What’s me bein’ old got to do with anything?” A little sharp, then, seeing you flinch when he drew too close to your clit, “‘m sorry, baby, just— gotta get this out of you.”
You made a face but let him continue anyway. Your eyes followed each movement of his hand, and reflexively, the muscles in your thighs tightened. Why bother with this when the man has so many better uses for his hands?
For a second, your eyes fluttered half-shut.
“Maria says old folks are, uh…infertile. Got something to do with a middle pause,” you said, breaths labored.
Joel stopped just long enough to shoot you a look.
“Menopause,” he corrected, all too matter-of-fact, before returning to his work, “is a woman thing.”
What the hell were they teaching in Jackson’s sex ed classes, anyway? Then Joel remembered how his brother sincerely believed that women peed out of their vaginas until he was twenty-three, and the thought of you not knowing the ins and outs of male virility wasn’t the most far-fetched idea in the universe. Besides, sexual health wasn’t exactly the community’s highest priority when the world around it was in a perpetual state of decay and hordes of fungus-faced fuckers ran rampant in the wild.
He curved a tender, careful finger against the ring of muscles framing your sex, trying to absorb more cum, and your grip on the edge of the countertop tightened.
“S-So, you—” You swallowed, throat constricting a little too, “You’re sayin’…men can make babies…whenever?”
You sounded so innocent as you said it. Joel wanted nothing more than to club himself over the head for being the cause of this predicament—of being such an instrumental part of the perceived corruption, as it was.
Meanwhile, your head was swimming in filthier thoughts.
Deeper, Joel, keep…pushing in…dee-e-per. You would have scarcely had more luck giving a fuck what Joel was talking about now than if he’d just said the room was on fire. By his voice, you knew you should’ve been paying attention, but the dexterity of his fingers was too much. He was caressing the first couple inches of your inner walls, attempting to scrape what bits of his release he could get unstuck from the flesh, but it seemed he was succeeding mostly in just turning you on. Rendering you deaf to the drone of his words as you pictured him pushing something else inside your tight, throbbing—
“—whole lotta problems for us if you’re, uh…ovulating,” Joel finished, expression taut and oblivious. You hadn’t heard the first part of that sentence and didn’t care to.
“Ovulating,” you repeated slowly. Indifferent.
Joel carried on without a hitch.
“Kids just ain’t fit for this world. I know you know that.”
You nodded along, not hearing a word.
“And if you’re— if y’ever did consider, maybe…”
Your lungs took an extra sharp inhale when Joel’s fingers coaxed out a warm, sticky glob of his load, and he petted your folds with his thumb. Then let out a breath himself.
“…y’oughta start a family with someone your own age—”
That part snagged your attention. Too swiftly, it came:
“My own age?”
Sighing, in spite of those welts of pleasure so heightened by his touch that the space between your legs began to throb and ache. Hardly possessed of more sense to form words that weren’t just echoes of his own, you tried communication from a simpler source—your foot.
You nudged his shoulder, and Joel looked up.
“What?”
“What?”
Parroting was, evidently, a hard habit to kill. Your toes curled into the bare skin of Joel’s shoulder, and when he re-inserted his finger, you ground your heel even deeper.
“When’s that ev…ever stopped us from doing it before, hm?” you said, tone strained but laced with some humor too, “Thought you liked sayin’ you’d make me a mama.”
Joel’s face flooded pink at the recollection—as a matter of fact, there had been several such memories. Instead of answering immediately, he just averted his gaze again. He anchored one hand to your thigh, and with the other teased out another string of your shared arousal before wiping his finger on the tissue, clinically, and repeating. All he had to offer in reply after was: ‘That’s different.’
And it was, to some extent. Joel wasn’t blind to the sea of uneasy looks that trailed behind you both whenever you walked the streets of Jackson together. How wide the eyes would get when instead of observing some filial display of affection play out before them, as expected, you’d loop your arms around his waist and take his lip between your teeth as you kissed—‘Can we please go home now, baby?’—that Joel was certain he’d been cemented as the resident pervert among everyone in town. Just how much worse that reputation was liable to get if there ever happened to be a round and swollen belly between that embrace someday was unthinkable. Dirty talk was one thing; parenthood another entirely.
This is for the best, became the low, grating refrain in his skull. Why he dug so hard, pushed so far inside the wet, velvety interior of your body without a thought for his own desires in that moment; he had to cull every trace of himself out of there, before he had half a chance to think.
“Baby, hey, hey, no—” Joel cut in a second later, abrupt.
No, no, no. You weren’t thinking either. Wrapping your hand around his wrist, pushing his fingers deeper inside.
Smiling a little, too.
“What are you— no, honey, don’t— you can’t,” Joel’s words splintered in every direction, watching you plunge his own index and middle fingers into the slick and the warmth he’d just been trying to get his cum out of. He looked up and saw your lids were heavy, about to close.
“What are you doin’? This ain’t…no, baby, it ain’t…safe.”
Back to sounding like a dad in no time at all.
“What’s wrong with leaving it in a bit longer? Feels nice.”
You had no idea what you were talking about. Joel pulled back on his hand and, in less than a second, had it freed.
“I just told you,” he huffed, “You’re too young—”
“I’m plenty old, Joel,” you returned, eyes snapping open, “You’ve shown me that more times than I can count.”
Joel was silent, stunned. He rose to his feet as your eyes seared holes into his, and for a second, he was uncertain whether to take a step back or reach out for you again.
“Baby…”
To his surprise, something like hurt surfaced behind your eyes. You set your lips in a tighter line, and your grip on the counter grew firmer just the same. He would’ve taken that move as his cue to lean in gently, slot his body between your thighs, and venture an apology of some sort, when the next thing you did stopped him cold.
Without a word, you slipped your free hand between your legs—eyeing Joel closely, almost scornfully, as you did.
You took your middle and ring fingers and sank them into your cunt. Not intending to let a drop of his spend leak out, you wedged them in as far as they’d go. Joel watched. Gawked. Once sufficiently pleased with the look of shock taking over his handsome, aged features, you withdrew the fingers. You brought them up to your mouth, wrapped your lips around the tips, and sucked.
It was a rare thing to get a taste of you and Joel together like this, so you savored it. You moved your mouth further down to drink it all in, peering up with wide, indulgent eyes and a look that was meant to punish.
Feels nice.
Tastes alright, too.
You’d licked the last bit of this glaze off your hand when your stomach clenched. You knew it would happen. Full as you were, you feared your body still hungered for more. As such, it hardly came as a surprise when next your muscles tensed, and you shifted closer to Joel.
“Maybe I don’t want babies with someone my own age.”
Either one of your knees were nudging his hips. Drawing him in. Joel appeared to waver for a second, unsure, but the look on his face made it clear this was mostly a matter of a delayed reaction. He couldn’t get his legs to move because the rest of him was still in awe. Staring at your lips, where the residue of his spend was glistening, then to your eyes, which were no less inviting, then up to the crown of your head and over it, to fix his stare on the mirror behind it. You watched him watch his own reflection with a look that was both hard and unkind, breathing slow. When he didn’t stir from that position after a minute, you touched a hand to his lower stomach.
And, brushing the heel of your palm against what felt like a hundred grey hairs in the old man’s happy trail—your favorite ones—you smoothed a caress along his belly, back and forth, before moving it left. Your hand came to rest on a mound of muscle and fat sitting right above his hip. Love handles, Joel had remarked one morning with vague distaste. Love handles, you’d repeated, beaming. You held on tightly now, appreciatively, and used your well-loved wall of flesh to pull him closer. As with any beckoning of yours, Joel didn’t have so much as half a mind to resist. He did, however, refuse to meet your gaze while you tilted your hips and spread your legs wider, before winding your ankles around the backs of his legs.
“Don’t you think I’d look pretty?” You pouted up at him. Your folds made a light, warm suction rubbing along the front of Joel’s cock—of course he’d grown hard again, and you could hold him, point him down to that wet embrace awaiting him patiently at the edge of the sink.
Joel cursed under his breath.
“‘Course I do…” he said, voice hoarse, “Y’always look—”
“I mean…with your baby inside me, Joel. Right here.”
As if to put a finer point on your words, you nestled the head of his cock inside the first inch of your body. Joel had to seize the laminate underneath you and grit his teeth to keep from letting out a groan too loud. That tip may as well have been a first-rate conductor of heat, and your warmth the thing that might send him spilling again
“You don’t—” Joel choked out, nearly incensed, “—don’t know what the hell you’re sayin’, baby. What that means.”
In truth, there wasn’t a world Joel Miller could imagine where a girl like you could give more than a passing thought to getting knocked up by him—a man his age. What good would it do? You had your whole life laid out before you like a four-course dinner spread; there was no sense whatsoever in letting the meal go to waste on him.
He communicated as much by moving to pull out.
You met the effort with a push of your own, sinking down another inch or two on his shaft and smiling when you saw his eyes roll back in his head at the dizzying friction.
“I know more than enough, old man—” Grin stretching ear-to-ear as you dug your heels in his ass and tugged him deeper, “—who do you think taught me all this?”
Of course, it had been Joel.
Always, always him—the only one, in fact.
Your walls drew him in like a hug. For once, Joel conjured up the strength to take a look between your lower half and his, and when he did, the next moan was inevitable. It trickled through his lips. Your body looked sublime swallowing a third of his cock, and it was almost as though a maggot had crawled into his brain, chanting:
‘Make her full. Make her yours. Tell any man who’d even think of looking her way she belongs to someone else.’
He couldn’t.
Joel would never be so selfish. Just think of her youth.
But when his gaze drifted back to yours, every thought and any word besides seemed gently to melt away. Beneath him, your eyes were two pools of desire.
“You like this…don’t you, Joel?” Your voice was tiny.
“I do.”
In fact, he loved it.
“Then why can’t we?” Why shouldn’t we?
Minuscule now, the words that reached him barely exceeded a whisper. It was as though the moment itself had drained all fear from your face—and out of Joel, all common sense from his brain—leaving you both to stare at the other with shared, stupid, anoetic looks of bliss. The man who had you beat by thirty-odd years seemed nearly of the same mind, with almost identical ignorance.
Idiocy.
“Just once?” Joel croaked.
Somewhere underneath, unseen, you smiled.
“Just one?” you murmured back.
He sank in another inch. When your walls contracted around him, Joel’s hands found your hips by force of habit and pushed your back against the glass behind it. The mirror was cool, and inside you, Joel was throbbing.
“Once,” he repeated, not thinking too deeply.
“One,” you said, with a world of more purpose.
Joel relinquished the last three inches, and with it, all of his resolve. The handsome, scarred, and plainly greying features all twisted as one, and the expression that you knew too well to mean that the man was feeling good took on the slightest hint of guilt. He gripped you tighter.
“One?” Joel panted. Confused.
He pulled out halfway just to find his home again. Your pearly slick mixed together with his spend, and both coated over Joel’s shaft in a pretty, generous sheen.
“One more of you, I mean.” You sounded too sweet. There was no way in hell you’d actually meant it.
Joel’s cheeks flushed again, but he didn’t stop, either.
“Baby…” he trailed off instead. He pushed in, pulled out, felt your tender little hole make an ‘o’ around his shaft, and then he kissed the edge of your left cheek—maybe to rein in the need in his words before he spoke again: “One’a me takes and I’m givin’ ya fifteen more, y’hear?”
The smile he received told him as much as he needed to hear. He probably wouldn’t have believed it even if you’d said the words yourself. Joel’s thrusts sped up, and as the pleasure distended in the pit of his stomach with the friction and the feel, his words flowed a little more freely.
In disbelief, “Wanna be a mama that bad for me, huh?”
Your grin grew bigger. You nodded your head.
“Make your old man a daddy, is that it?”
Exactly. Senseless as it was, your look said it all.
To have slipped between the grooves and ridges of Joel’s brain and caught wind of even a fraction of the things he wanted to do to you then, a smarter girl would have run. Would have shoved him back out as swiftly as she’d let him in and told him no, that’s gross, and gone home. And, had the grey matter floating inside your own skull not been so completely dominated by primal need and wanting, that’s likely what you would have done, too. Instead, with a head full of lewd, youthful stupidity, you seized the black-grey curls dangling at the nape of his neck and drew him closer. You spread your legs wider.
“That is what you’ve wanted this whole time, right?”
Under his scruff, a muscle tensed as Joel bit down.
That’s all he’s ever wanted.
Let the neighbors talk.
Let them say what they wanted to say—it was probably all true to the point they were trying to make, anyway. That Joel was a pervert, of course. That you were naïve, also true. That you would look too good not to stare in a white cotton frock with a bump underneath, absolutely. These were the ideas permeating your brain and his while Joel took a firmer hold of your sides and brought his nose to rest against yours. With every stab of his hips, he pressed kisses to your soft, parted lips, speaking low:
“That what you want, too, darlin’?” More serious now.
The head of his cock nicked a sensitive ridge inside you, eliciting a whimper, but you nodded. You nodded again, feeling the brush of his stubble at your mouth and your chin, and nodded again when he bottomed out, stuffing you tight. It felt a little more momentous than any other time in the past, now that you were picturing a fullness that wasn’t just him. Him and you: a concrete being to soothe the sting of his absence long after Joel withdrew.
Something to stick.
“Please say it, baby.”
Someone to call yours.
“I want it,” you said, sounding desperate.
A coil was just starting to form in the place you felt him. Drifting up, pulling tight, making your eyes go glossy and wide while they stuck to Joel’s and begged him for more.
“Want what?” He sped up, and his thrusts got sloppy.
“Want you,” you breathed, “Inside me, Joel, please.”
As if predicting your next thoughts, the man lowered his hand to your belly. You hadn’t even noticed the smallest bulge had taken shape beneath the skin. Joel slowed, momentarily, then rubbed the base of his palm against the mound where your body was obliged to make room for his cock inside you. He drew soft, tender circles there and, with the motion, sent stars flying before your eyes.
“Good girl,” he murmured, “Right here?”
“Ri— right there. Right there.”
Joel adored that sound. The soft, elated look, the gentle knoll of flesh in a bump below his hand, the whimpers rolling off your tongue repeatedly, quicker and quicker the more the pleasure inside you continued to build. Joel’s release was coming soon, too. For the hundredth time that night, he silently wished he were a little younger; so he could fill you up once, twice, twenty more times until your insides were stuffed and painted white. As if reading his mind, as he had for you, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.
“Hope our baby has your eyes,” you murmured to him.
It shouldn’t have had such a strong effect—but of course, it did. Joel pictured the small, sweet infant with irises that shone a bit like his, and his stomach caved in.
Tonight, tomorrow, or ten months down the line, he was getting you pregnant. He’d clear his whole schedule for it
“That right?” And now he couldn’t stop the smile as he spoke, leaning even further in, “What about their nose?”
He kissed the tip of yours.
“Hope they get this.”
He kissed either one of your cheeks.
“These too.”
You had to fight back a laugh while his scruff tickled skin. Two deep strokes away from the brink of release and he still somehow always stayed in tune with your needs.
The threat of your peak was perilously near. Joel’s spend and your slick, tender glaze made a chorus of sounds at each thrust, and the deeper he went, the bigger it swelled. Your smiles couldn’t stay for much longer when the feeling inside you both was being amplified like that. Sensing this, Joel took hold of your face and slipped his touch to cup your chin. He made you tilt your head up to him, as if to ask again, ‘Are you sure?’ and when you nodded, his lips twitched again. A fleeting hint of a grin, like he couldn’t be more eager to finish now if he tried.
Holding your face, cock swollen and throbbing and desperate between your walls, he felt a familiar twitch.
“you ain’t falling asleep again” — an oldman!joel miller drabble
main masterlist | ao3
pairing: oldman!jackson!joel miller x f!reader
summary: joel takes viagra and can't keep it down. he decides you can help. and the glasses stay on.
a/n: please everyone say, THANK YOU SYD @syd-djarin !! i wouldn’t have written this if it wasn’t for you! tysm for allowing me to be shamelessly feral and for cheering me on, you know i love ya <3 anyways, hope you guys like this drabble, i am ovulating. heed the warnings and enjoyyyy xx
tags/warnings: 18+, mdni. pwp. filthy smut. the old man’s glasses stay on. breeding kink. consensual somno. use of viagra. brief reference to a limp dick situation cause it’s hot. period sex and descriptions of period blood. joel goes down to town on you (f!oral), so vampire!joel if you wish cause he loves it. fingering. unprotected piv. creampie. age gap, no age gap, your choice. no description of reader other than afab. unedited, soz, i'm horny and i wanted this out asap.
w/c: ~1.8k
Joel resented you. Really did.
You were sprawled across his bedsheets, legs splayed without a worry in the world. And here he was, on the rocking chair facing the bed in his Jackson home, watching you enjoy your beauty sleep, while his cock beat hard on his calloused hand.
He’d definitely overdone it with the viagra. At the tender age of sixty-one, Joel sometimes needed a bit of help to get him going. The first time he’d remained limp on your hand, despite your best efforts, had really stuck with him. Truth be told, that hadn’t stopped you from sucking him off, giggling and drooling all over his dick. But still, it embarrassed him. So, when Joel had the chance to trade for some pills, he did.
And now he had to deal with the consequences of his actions. He’d been railing you all night till the first lights glittered in his room—your beautiful body bouncing on his cock while the light reflected off the sweaty drops kissing your skin. But unlike him, you were spent and in much need of some rest.
Joel, on the other hand, had not been able to go back to sleep. As soon as he heard your soft, cute snores, his veiny cock had hardened again. Unconsciously his eyes darted to the sweet nook between your thighs. He really had the best view from here, eagerly watching his spent dripping down your slick slit.
The chair rocked under him, his big hand palming the growing erection, his eyes roving over every delicious curve of your body. And then something caught his eye—the cum leaking from your pussy was no longer white, but a shade of pink.
Joel sat on the verge of the rocking chair, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose to have a better look. No, his old man’s sight wasn’t betraying him—you really were bleeding.
His cock had a mind of its own, reacting to the call of nature in the most primal way. Joel tugged at his shaft, squeezing himself tight while a pearl of precum adorned his flushed cockhead. Your period couldn’t have come at a better time. Joel thoroughly enjoyed himself when that time of the month arrived—a reminder of how breedable you were.
Joel stood up, throbbing cock on hand and his cracking knees betraying his moves. He couldn’t just stay put any longer—surely, you’d understand that he was compelled to do this. That he just couldn’t stop himself, not when you were freely bleeding on his white bedsheets.
You stirred a bit when the wooden floor creaked beneath his weight, but your eyes stayed shut. Joel tiptoed to the foot of the bed and carefully sat on the mattress. Up close, he inspected your cunt with diligence. Your pussy was still gushing out his pinkish cum, but he needed to see red.
Bunching the bedsheets on his fist, Joel swiped your seam clean, his thumb stroking your entrance through the fabric to ensure no remnants were left behind. Once he was satisfied, he laid on his tummy and moved your legs, so the back of your knees rested on his shoulders. Now he could really see your slick cunt up close.
Joel spread your pussy lips, coaxing them apart to stretch your crying hole. A few seconds later, he was gifted with a glob of blood. He thumbed your clit softly, coaching your cunt to leak some more period blood for him, and you quietly squirmed. Another red bubble dripped down your fold, smearing your sweet puffy lips, staining his sheets. His eyes locked in on your beating bud, and he just knew what he had to do.
Hypnotised by the sensuality of it all, Joel leaned in and kissed your begging clit. The fingers that were stretching your lips open for him travelled down your glistening seam until they reached your bloodied opening. Without even doubting himself, Joel shoved his middle and ring ringers in your wet warmth, the squelching of your blood almost making him feel dizzy with lust.
Joel suckled on your clit, your thighs trembling against his ears, and then his mouth dropped. He removed his fingers from your tight hole and coated the skin of your inner thigh with your own blood while his tongue dived in.
Your pussy tasted divine. Metallic, fertile, slightly bitter. His favourite flavour, that was for sure. When Joel lapped your whole seam, from your seeping entrance, through your clit, to your mound, he felt your hand fisting his salt-and-pepper curls.
“Joel… What are you…” you trailed off sleepily, moaning as your back arched off the mattress.
Joel looked up at you, smirking like the devil he was.
“Just let me have this,” he almost implored, pecking the bloody fingerprints he’d left behind on your inner thigh.
“Are you… are you still hard?” you managed to croak out, eyes fluttering shut when Joel latched on your clit again.
“Mhm,” he mumbled, mouth full of you.
Joel alternated between fingering you and prodding your hole with the tip of his tongue, drunk with your iron-like tang, thumb pressing tight circles on your clit. And he truly didn’t stop until your legs were shaking uncontrollably around him and you were mewling your pleasure, your wails echoing in his bedroom.
With a bit more of encouragement, you finally came in his mouth. Joel didn’t hesitate to drink everything your cunt oozed out—the period blood mixing with your cream was his personal nectar. His favourite breakfast. He shamelessly licked your folds and hole clean, revelling in how your entrance quivered around the tip of his tongue when he poked at it.
Your mind was still hazy with the ghost memory of your wet dream, but Joel eating your bloody pussy out definitely had you delirious. This old man of yours knew no shame, no hard limits. And you loved him for it.
When Joel emerged from between your thighs, you gasped, and your pussy gushed. His beard was covered in your period blood, even his cheeks were smudged. And Joel just… looked so chuffed about it all, it made you smile back at him.
You glanced down at his lap when he knelt between your legs, his broad hands resting on your knees to part your thighs for him. His stiff cock greeted you, swaying and throbbing. He was about to fucking explode, so red and swollen, leaking precum everywhere—you truly feared for his wellbeing.
“Fuck, Joel…” You bit down your plump bottom lip, eyes focused on his dick. “How many pills did you take?”
“Two. I wasn’t sure if one was enough, needed to make sure I could fuck you all night long,” he admitted, tapping your clit a few times with his warm, tacky cockhead. “And then you fucking bail on me, falling asleep and leaving me hanging.”
Before you could defend yourself, Joel buried himself in you down to the fucking hilt in one smooth thrust. You braced yourself and grabbed at his forearms, back arched so much that your nipples were kissing his naked chest.
Without exchanging another word, Joel began railing you hard, his throbbing cock growing inside you, impossibly so. He filled your entire pussy, the tip of his dick kissing your cervix every time he hammered in. No thoughts formed in your brain, you could only moan and sob and scream his name so everyone in Jackson would know you were getting your guts fucked.
Joel imposed a punishing pace, anchoring his hands to the headboard while his hips slammed against yours, the clapping of skin on skin competing with your loud groans. His mushroom head dragged alongside your anterior wall every time he ploughed you, rubbing that precise spongey spot inside you that made your pussy hug him tighter.
You just managed to open your eyes and glance up at him. He was gorgeous, the most handsome man you’d ever had the pleasure to meet. And he was all yours.
With every plunge, his old man’s glasses slipped further down the bridge of his aquiline nose, until they caught on the tip of his nose. The glass was all foggy now, and you were almost sure Joel couldn’t see shit right now. The picture made you smirk, but his incessant shoves forced your mouth to shape a perfect O before you began moaning his full name again.
Joel was fucking you so hard into the mattress, the precarious balance of his glasses gave way, and the frames fell onto your chest. Without thinking, you snatched them to put them on back on his nose but then you thought better of it. Instead, you put them on and looked up at him with a sly grin—it was all blurry, but could still make out his face and feral eyes.
“Fucking beautiful,” he husked out.
You felt the pulse emitted by his girthy cock, and the threat of his orgasm called to yours. When the first ropes hit your cervix, you came with him, your pussy milking him dry of every single drop he fed you. Joel filled you up to the brim with his cum and not satisfied with it, he fucked his spent into you for a couple of minutes while your used cunt spasmed around him.
You were truly spent, laboriously breathing, your heart racing wild in your chest. Joel was heaving too, and his greying brows furrowed when his cock left your entrails.
You couldn’t help but look down—you had left pink creamy rings on his hard cock, a mixture of your juices, his cum and your period blood. And when you peeked over at your pussy, you sighed. Yes, your pussy was smeared red, your inner thighs too, and you were still bleeding onto his sheets.
You should have felt slightly embarrassed, but knowing how much Joel enjoyed you on your period, well... there was literally nothing to be shy about. As a matter of fact, you had been waiting for this time of the month to come, because you just knew that Joel would be feral about you.
Letting your head fall back for a breather, you felt Joel pet your overstimulated clit. You whimpered a little, your nerve endings flaring alive, almost painfully, and your brows bunching together in concentration.
You managed to open your eyes again, and then you realised. He was still hard. Very much so.
“You ain’t falling asleep again,” he groaned, pointing an accusatory bloody finger at you. “‘M not done with you yet, sweetheart.”
Rick Grimes x F!Reader x Daryl Dixon Smut: And There was only One Bed
Warnings/Mentions: Smut, unprotected sex, jealous Rick, awkward inexperienced Daryl, dry humping, spooning sex, oral, handjobs (Daryl receiving), staying quiet/fear of being caught, Daryl pretending to be asleep
Summary: Rick, Daryl, and reader get caught out on a storm and take shelter in a small cabin. They're stuck there for the night, and you'll never guess what happens next. THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED
Notes: God this is so hot I don't care that the morals are questionable!!!! I need it more than anything I've ever needed before thank you for requesting anon
Being squished between a snoring Daryl and Rick's hard-on was not how you imagined your night going when you set out that morning.
It was supposed to be a cut and dry intel run. Scope out the new group nearby, learn a few things, maybe grab some supplies on your way back, but no, it's never that easy.
First off, you couldn't find the group. Aaron claimed they were composed of maybe forty people living in the nearby school, but the place was quiet when you'd checked it out.
Then, Rick's truck broke down. Dead battery. Daryl set out looking for one with enough juice to get you home when the first signs of a storm rolled in. Angry dark clouds and cold fat raindrops.
The only place nearby in walking distance was down a long gravel road. It was the smallest, but also the cutest, cabin you'd ever laid eyes on. It only had three rooms, one bedroom with a bathroom, and a large open living area that held a tiny kitchen and a couch with a fireplace.
“Get those windows boarded up.”
Rick was quick to spew out commands after the three of you busted through the front door, all wet and shivering. The wind was so strong it slammed the door closed behind you, blowing the curtains and causing stray paper to fly off their tables.
“Can't!” Daryl shouted. He stood behind you shielding his face from the rain shooting through the broken windows.
That's how you ended up in the bedroom. You sat shivering on the foot of the bed as Rick went through the dresser, looking for clothes to replace the soaking fabric you all wore.
Daryl slid the bedroom vanity in front of the door. He even went as far as to set the armchair on top of it.
“Can we just wait it out?” Your teeth clattered together as Rick tossed you a towel from the closet. You ruffled it in your hair and watched Daryl.
He was standing in front of the only window in the room, his arms crossed and his thumbnail between his teeth.
“Yeah, should ease up soon.” Rick sat on the bed opposite from you, drying his arms and hair with his own towel.
“Naw.” Daryl muttered. He finally turned away from the window and began drying himself. “Gonna be a few hours, at least.”
You furrowed your brows, looking down in your lap. This was quite the predicament. Stuck in a bedroom with two men, one you barely knew and were pretty sure hated you.
The other… Well, you weren't sure what Rick was to you.
Daryl wasn't right, but he wasn't wrong either. The storm did continue for a few hours, but it also didn't show any signs of stopping.
You glanced down at your watch and felt your heart drop. It was seven pm, and the sun would be setting very soon. Not that you could see much outside anyways, the clouds were thick and covered a majority of the sky.
Your voice broke the long streak of silence.
“Are we gonna have to stay here tonight?”
Rick and Daryl had known the answer to that question two hours prior. Neither of them wanted to be the ones to say it, but their lack of direct answers filled you in enough. Rick looked down at his revolver and Daryl continued staring out the window.
“Fuck.” You groaned, sitting back down on the bed. “I promised Maggie we'd watch season two of True Blood tonight.”
“That dog fucker show?” Daryl muttered around his cigarette. He was leaning against the wall next to the window, legs crossed at the ankles, cleaning under his nails with the blade of his knife.
“No Daryl, there's no dog fucking.” You sighed and he just mumbled in response, not looking up from his fingers.
Rick had made himself busy trying to prepare the room for the night.
He'd found a few hurricane lanterns and set two up on the bedside tables, and began anxiously ‘cleaning’. The room only had the bed, dresser, and bedside tables, so there wasn't much he could do besides look in the same drawers over and over.
At some point he went into the small bathroom and shut the door. He stayed there for a couple minutes, doing god knows what.
There were a few clothing items left by the previous owners. Daryl and Rick got some raggedy sweatpants, shirts full of holes that were a little too small for them. You were stuck with a massive piss yellow sweater and the ugliest pair of basketball shorts.
Anything was better than your soaking rags.
The storm had eased up a bit, but that didn't do much in terms of easing your boredom. The sun had long since set, your watch read ten-thirty, and neither man was very talkative.
“I'll take first watch.” Daryl was the first to speak in a while.
“No. I'll do it.” Rick protested. He'd been cleaning his revolver for the last thirty minutes. “I can't sleep anyway.”
“Yeah, well. Neither can I.”
You'd found a box of random items under the bed and had been looking through them while they bickered. A dead Gameboy, random PlayStation controllers, a few comic books, pieces to Monopoly, and an array of broken crayons. There was a pen and a notepad though, so you started drawing a caricature of Daryl.
Angry eyebrows, a cigarette that was half his height in his frowning mouth, and a speech bubble filled with hash tags for explicatives.
“Hey.” You nudged Rick's knee with your elbow. He sat on the bed above where you were, cross-legged on the floor next to your box of bullshit.
He looked down at the paper you showed him, and for the first time that day you saw his lips twitching up into a smirk. His eyes trailed over the paper and he grabbed it from you, bringing it up closer to his face.
“Is that Daryl?” He questioned, and you nodded, a grin splitting across your face.
“That's good.” Rick nodded, shrugging his mouth. “You got a real talent. Looks just like him.”
Daryl was too bored to hide his interest, so he stood from his spot under the bedroom window and walked over to you. He grabbed the notepad from Rick, and you could see his eyes narrowing as he tried to make out your scribbles in the dim lighting.
“Yeah?” Daryl looked up when he heard the two of you stifling giggles and laughter. “Think that's funny? Gimme that.” He snatched the pen from your hands and flipped the page, sitting down on the dresser and scribbling furiously.
The pad was tossed in your lap a minute later. Your eyes widened on the drawing.
It was obviously you. You had on the same sweater, but it went down to your feet instead of your knees, and you were standing beside a cat. The only problem was, the cat was three times taller than you, and you had the ugliest expression on your face. Your mouth hung open and you were nagging the cat about scratching up the furniture. It was based on a scenario that had happened the day before, with your cat back home, Daisy, who you had caught shredding the living room couch.
“Dude, what am I? Two inches tall?” You laughed, handing the paper to Rick. He covered his mouth to hide the smile, but you saw it through his fingers and stood to give him a shove.
“Right, sorry. Drew ya too big. Hold on.” Daryl came over and drew a new stick figure of you so small that it was the size of a real ant.
“Ooookay, fuck you.”
Daryl dogged the small notepad you'd tossed at his face, and started laughing. Actually laughing. Your smile grew softer as he and Rick began to joke. It had been a while since you'd seen either of them behave in such a lighthearted manner. It made the bare bedroom seem not so cold.
Eventually the curtains were drawn and the lanterns dimmed considerably. You'd claimed the only spot on the bed that wasn't lumpy or sunken, which just so happened to be the middle.
No other reason, promise.
For the sake of his joints, Daryl had given up trying to sit on the hard floor and joined you on the bed, claiming the side closest to the window. He'd made sure to put distance between you, so much so that he was nearly hanging off the edge.
Rick had a little more resolve than the other man and stood by the window for a bit, occasionally peeking out the heavy curtains to see the same amount of darkness as before.
“Thank god you showered this morning.” Rick grunted as he sat down on your left, knocking his boots together before he brought his legs up on the bed.
“Me?” You blurted immediately, already feeling the tiniest but of anxiety, Rick never teased you like that. He saved that for the men.
He gave a toothy grin and shook his head. “No. Him.” He pointed over your body to Daryl, who was smoking his third cigarette of the night. “Carol made him take his monthly shower after he came home covered in coyote blood.”
You giggled, glancing over at Daryl.
“Yeah. Laugh it up.” Daryl took a deep drag.
You kicked off your shoes and sat upright, taking off those god awful shorts while the two men continued to playfully insult each other.
Rick caught himself going quiet when he saw you pulling the shorts down your thighs, his mouth drying at the sight. Daryl quickly shot him a look, dragging his attention away from your now bare legs and back onto him.
You didn't notice a thing, but you wished you had. Maybe you'd have started grinding against him earlier that night.
You were the first to fall asleep, to no one's surprise. There were little things that you loved more in life than sleeping.
Curled up underneath the sheets that you'd checked twenty times for bugs, sleep came quick and easy for you.
The sweater you were wearing had become incredibly uncomfortable so you swapped it for Rick's hole ridden T-shirt, leaving him shirtless. The image of his bare chest and the muscles in his back almost gave you enough adrenaline to stay up the entire night, but Daryl's soft breathing and Rick's body heat beside you tugged you unconscious.
Rick was next to give in, he'd kicked his boots off and climbed under the sheets with you, not before sliding a pillow between your bodies, more for your consideration than his modesty. He didn't give a shit, but he was worried you might.
Daryl was last, and by complete accident. He'd meant to take the first watch but the sounds of rain on the roof, gentle thunder outside, and your soft breathing beside him had him out like a light.
Two hours went by before something woke Rick up. The feeling of pressure against his crotch.
He opened his eyes, blinking a few times in a struggle to see, but the room was too dark to immediately recognize his surroundings.
Once he remembered where he was he relaxed. He closed his eyes again and almost fell back to sleep when he felt it.
A gentle nudge of something soft and plush against him, something that made him well aware of the situation in his sweatpants. He was painfully erect.
His eyes opened again, but the room was no easier to see in. He could still hear the sounds of quiet rain and wind, and the new sound of Daryl's soft snoring.
Then you whimpered.
It was quiet, barely audible, and whiny. You were squirming in your sleep, the pillow between the two of you now between your knees, separating them to prevent the annoying feeling of bone on bone.
Your ass moved back against him again. He pulled his hips back, his dick immediately complaining about the loss of contact with a slight twitch. He clenched his teeth together and closed his eyes, willing himself to fall back asleep.
Think about cold showers. You're taking a cold shower, he thought, taking deep breaths. Cold cold shower. She's in a cold shower--- raw potatoes, grub worms, rotten walker flesh, her flesh, her ass is only a few inches away, snug in those cute boyshort underwear-
Daryl let out a sudden louder snort, startling Rick out of his thoughts. His eyes snapped open, only closing once he heard the earlier gentle snores return.
Your movements stilled and he was able to sleep once again, not without an iron will mindset.
You weren't sure how long you'd been sleeping when you woke up. You checked your watch, seeing the green glowing hands pointed at the twelve and nine.
It was only twelve forty-five.
You sighed.
The room had grown colder as the night went on, cold air seeping through the thin cracks in the walls and floorboards.
As a result of said colder temperature, Daryl had moved closer to you, be that in his sleep or on purpose, you didn't know. All you knew was he was there on your right side, his bicep warm and pressed against your upper chest.
Rick had also moved closer. So close, in fact, that his hand was on your waist, resting there like it was the most natural thing in the world to do. Your heart sped up when you realized this, and when he pulled you closer in his sleep you almost gasped.
He was hard.
Like, really hard.
You could feel it behind his sweatpants pressed right into your ass. His breathing was slow and deep, letting you know that he was definitely asleep, not that the knowledge did much to stop the arousal filling your chest.
You couldn't stop the whimper that sounded deep in your throat. Daryl's snoring covered it, or you thought it did. Rick stirred behind you and you heard the sound of him sniffing sleepily.
He had to be awake, you were sure of it. His breathing had become quiet, much different than the sounds of someone who was deep in sleep. He made no move to pull his hand away from your hip, confusing you even further.
Maybe he wasn't awake.
A lightbulb went off. You wiggled your hips, very slightly, only a few millimeters side to side. It was enough to gain a reaction from him, which let you know that he was definitely awake.
Rick's grip tightened on your hip.
Then he pushed into you.
There was nothing you could've done to prepare yourself for that kind of response. You sucked in a breath and felt your pussy throb. It was such a faint and quick movement, but you could vividly feel the shape of his dick pressing against your ass.
You heard movement behind you, the sound of his stubble scraping across his pillow as he moved his lips to your ear, speaking barely above a whisper.
“Stay still.”
Your eyes flicked to Daryls face.
You could barely see the outline of his head illuminated in moonlight thanks to the parting clouds. His nose pointed up at the ceiling, his lips parted as he breathed.
A wave of heat traveled through your body, starting in your chest and shooting down to your core. You felt that flipping sensation in your lower stomach and you whimpered again, rubbing your thighs together.
Rick inhaled deeply through his nose at the action. His hand shifted upwards, moving over your hip and splaying over the curve of your waist. He could feel you pressed against him, even if you weren't moving, and it made him groan faintly.
The sound of him groaning sent another spark through your core. You couldn't help it, you arched your back just enough to feel friction. You were too weak willed.
“Sweetheart.” He breathed, his forehead resting against the back of your hair to try and steady himself. “You gotta stop, please.”
He hated how desperate and wrecked the whispered words came from his lips. Hated how his dick was aching in his boxer briefs.
Hated how he was just as weak willed as you, his hips moving forward in a way that betrayed his words and stomped them in the mud.
You couldn't understand why you were so unbearably aroused. You weren't a teenager going through puberty. You've had partners.
Sure, you had a little admiration-fueled crush on the two men, but the way your body was behaving was animalistic. Your heart felt like it was going to burst through your chest and your pussy was soaked.
If only you had your vibrator that was back in Alexandria, you'd orgasm in five seconds, you knew that for a fucking fact.
Daryl muttered a nonsensical sentence in his sleep, his head lolling over in the direction of the window. His right arm rose to lay over his chest, and his left leg spread out in your direction.
His knee bumped against the top of your thighs, almost slipping between them.
You could've screamed.
You tried to stay still, really, you did. But the feeling of Rick pushing against you again, Daryl's knee nudging between your thighs, it was impossible. You moved your hips, intending on just pushing back against Rick but your action also succeeded in grinding down right on Daryl's knee.
Rick could feel resistance in your movement but his mind couldn't focus on anything but the feel of your plush ass pressing against his dick.
His blood ran cold at the sound of Daryl mumbling in his sleep again. He held his breath, waiting with baited breath to see if he'd stir awake.
Relief flooded his body after a moment of silence, and he pressed his face back into your hair. There was still a faint smell of shampoo or conditioner despite the earlier rain. The feminine smell made his dick twitch and he flexed his jaw.
You were caught between excitement and horror. Daryl's knee was wedged right between your thighs, and occasionally it would jerk up against you. Each time it would make you fight away a gasp, and make your clit throb.
Daryl was definitely asleep, right? If he woke up he'd roll over on his side, right? There was no way he was awake, pushing his knee right up against your pussy, right?
You reached down to grab Rick's hand, which was still resting against your waist, gripping onto his fingers for support. His fingers curled around your own and sent butterflies in your stomach at the feeling of comfort.
He hated himself for all of it, but in the moment, he felt like he didn't care. His hips rocked against yours, once, twice, the need to get relief clouding all judgment he was capable of having.
You couldn't help yourself either. Your eyes fluttered shut and you rolled your hips, soft and slow, against Rick's bulge and Daryl's knee. You'd tried several times to push it away, wiggle back further into Rick, but it was like there was a goddamn super magnet attached to your clit and his knee cap.
You bit down hard against your lip, trying to keep your voice from escaping. Everything felt so good, Rick dry humping his heart out, your clit buzzing, it all felt so overwhelmingly amazing that you hadn't even noticed Daryl's snoring was no longer present.
In the end, it wasn't enough, Rick was being too cautious. You needed more, just a little bit. You pushed back hard against him and heard his breath hitch in his throat. His hand gripped yours so tight it almost hurt, and he leaned into your ear.
“Movin’ too much. Stop.”
You squeezed your eyes shut. You shook your head, your lip trembling between your teeth.
“Can't.” You breathed. You physically couldn't stop, you knew that and Rick knew that. You were both so close to relief, you'd already gotten this far, there was no point in stopping now. No going back.
Rick swallowed hard as he felt his resolve break at the way you and your body pleaded. It was all he needed. His hips moved a bit faster, a bit rougher. His hand left yours and grabbed the string of his sweatpants, fingertips pinching the ends, hesitating only for a second before he pulled.
Time seemed to literally freeze when you felt him digging his cock out behind you. Your heart stopped, your breathing stopped, and so did the grinding of your pelvis. You couldn't think. It was suddenly all too very real.
You didn't expect Rick to do something like this. The dry humping, sure. He was horny and it wasn't really that big of a deal. But this? Tugging down your underwear? Spitting on his hand and stroking his dick to get it wet for you? It felt like a dream and way too terrifying at the same time.
“Sweetheart…” His hot breath against your ear snapped you back to reality. “You… you gotta be quiet, okay? Promise?”
You'd never nodded so quickly and eagerly in your life. Your heart felt like it was literally up in your throat. The tight knot in your core became more and more taut, and it trembled when you felt the hot tip of his wet dick bump between your folds.
Rick nearly came when he felt how wet you were. It was mind blowing, you were fucking soaked. The hot lube was covering your pussy and trailing down the side of your ass, reaching his hip bone.
You inhaled deeply when you felt him start to push in. You'd think with how wet you were it would be easy, but your muscles were wound tight due to the nearly paralyzing fear of possibly waking Daryl.
There was a bit of self disgust when you felt the weight of reality sinking in. The absolute pathetic degeneracy of what you were doing with Daryl right next to you.
That self disgust faded when Rick pushed into you.
Rick swallowed a groan as his cock dug up into you, your walls hot and soft and squeezing the life out of him. He could feel how nervous you were so he slipped an arm over your side, his hand reaching for your own again.
You moaned.
His hand broke from your grip and clamped over your mouth. Neither of you moved for a solid minute.
It was the longest minute in history. You could feel his dick twitching inside of you, your clit throbbing so hard you thought it was going to have its own little heart attack.
Your thighs absentmindedly squeezed against Daryl's knee, and you were sure you'd start crying.
Finally, Rick began moving. His breathing was growing heavy behind your head, his face burying back into the mess of hair in front of him.
His movements were slow at first. Tantalizingly slow. He waited until he was sure you could stay quiet before picking up the pace.
Your eyes had adjusted a fair amount in the darkness. You looked up to Daryl, finding comfort when you saw his eyes were still closed, but he'd stopped snoring long ago.
You dismissed it and grabbed onto the wrist of the hand covering your mouth, gripping tight for support.
Your right hand slipped under the sheets to rest on your thigh, but instead landed on Daryl's lower thigh. He must've been a very heavy sleeper, because he didn't react to it beyond the muscles tensing under your palm.
The sound that escaped Rick's lips had your eyes rolling back into your head. A trembling whimper. His movements grew quicker and deeper, his dick dragging your walls against him, pulling out every drop of arousal he could and thrusting it back in.
Your mind spun as all thoughts left your brain. There was nothing going on up there anymore, just dark blackness, the feeling of Rick fucking you taking over your conscious body.
His hand grabbed yours, the one on Daryl's knee, and pulled it away from you, to the right.
When your fingers brushed up against something warm and soft, you didn't question it. You didn't even question his fingers moving yours to wrap around his dick.
Your eyes shot open.
Rick's dick was still inside you. His right hand was still on your mouth, his left on the small of your back.
Daryl's eyes were open, and looking right into yours.
You went to jerk your hand away out of reflex, but his grip was tight, forcing your fingers to stay wrapped around his thick cock. Your eyes flew over him, fighting to understand what was happening, when had he woken up? Just then? Or was he awake when he pushed his knee between your thighs?
The orgasm that came out of nowhere pushed all those questions aside.
You moaned against Rick's hand as you came, no longer trying to be quiet, no longer trying to keep your hips still. Your thighs clamped down on Daryl's knee, grinding rough and quick.
Much to Rick's absolute heart-stopping horror.
He tried to muffle your moans, forcing his hand down painfully hard on your mouth, but it did little. He bared his teeth near your ear and hissed for you to stop, the sound sharp and jarring as it came through his clenched teeth, but then his eyes landed on the scene over your body.
Daryl using your hand to stroke his dick. Daryl with his other arm bent behind his head, his face tilted to the side to watch your expressions with parted lips.
It took Rick a few seconds to recover from the near heart attack. He almost lost his boner from the heart dropping adrenaline, but your wet walls spasming around him coaxed his hips forward.
Now that you didn't need to be quiet you pulled Rick's hand off your mouth and gasped down a lungful of air. Your mouth was hot and dry, and it was hard to swallow.
You couldn't take your eyes off Daryl, his eyes, the eyes that hadn't left your face since he woke up.
God, he was unbelievably sexy. The way he was so responsive to your touch led you to believe your hand might possibly be the first hand to touch his dick other than his own.
He grunted softly, his eyes finally falling shut after you gently squeezed the base of his dick. You'd be content to get him off with one hand like you had been for the past few minutes, but you couldn't resist the urge to give him his first hand job and blowjob.
“Up.” You panted. You curled your finger at Daryl, pointing up. He happily obliged and sat upright, scooting up towards the headboard until his lap was right in front of your face.
He seemed absolutely thrilled, ecstatic even. His once heavy eyes were now wide open, watching every move you made as you shifted your upper half so your mouth could reach his dick.
Rick was still thrusting with hesitation when you moved. He watched you lick broad stripes on the underside of Daryl's dick, and he couldn't help but glance at his face to see his reaction.
Mouth hanging open, eyes clenched tightly shut, his expression almost looked pained. His hands had found their way to your hair, gripping two handfuls as he began trying to move your head for you.
You slapped his hands away and grabbed his wrists, an action that had his eyes opening and looking down at you.
“Don't.” Your hot breath tickled the sensitive skin of his tip. He pinched both his lips shut between his teeth, nodding quickly, a shaky closed-lip moan rattling in his throat.
Rick finally got ahold of himself and grabbed your hips to turn your lower half on your stomach. He kept his dick inside you as he slid on top of you, his knees spreading to rest on either side of your thighs.
You were taking Daryl's head past your lips when Rick suddenly fucked you like he'd been wanting to the entire time. Both his hands rested on the small of your back, pushing your hips down into the mattress with all his weight to keep them firmly in place.
You gasped around Daryl at the feeling of Rick pounding into you from above. It was a comically drastic change from only five minutes before when he thought Daryl was asleep.
Daryl's wrists flexed in your hands where you had them pressed against his lower stomach. You knew he was only keeping them there in your grasp because he allowed it, and not because you were somehow strong enough to keep even a single wrist of his in your fist, let alone two.
It took a lot of effort on Rick's part to actually finish. Having Daryl in the room when you fucked was one thing, but having him making all that noise just from your mouth was another.
He was honestly more surprised that Daryl actually enjoyed sex acts than the fact he was engaging in them with him in the room. With no one other than you, a girl he almost never saw him interact with.
Rick had assumed Daryl simply wasn't interested. Incorrectly assumed.
Either way, having Daryl only a few feet away from him while he had his dick inside you was something he wasn't sure he enjoyed. But the way you clenched around him every time he pulled back was enough to make him forget about it.
Daryl was struggling to keep himself together. He had no point of reference, but he thought you were incredibly talented at giving head. You were giving it your all, sucking and licking like your life depended on it. It was impressive how well you were managing to concentrate on blowing him with Rick making such a mess of your pussy.
You couldn't be happier. You knew there were so many women back in Alexandria that would kill to be in your position, lying in front of the Daryl Dixon, lying under the Rick Grimes, both of their dicks inside you.
“Wa-wait.” Daryl suddenly sputtered and ripped his wrists from your hands to cup the sides of your face, giving a few gentle slaps with the tips of his fingers.
You looked up, not taking your mouth off of him. His expression made your pussy clench around Rick and he groaned behind you, the sound raw and deep. He shifted his hips and ground down against you, quick and rough, his tip jabbing deep inside you.
The ragged moan you let out reverberated through Daryl, and the hand you had around his base gave a trembling squeeze.
“M’boutta, Jesus! Hey, oh, godfuckindamnit-” Daryl's jaw dropped and his eyes rolled back, his head tipping backwards as he made that same pained expression and came down your throat.
Your hips were roughly jerked up from the bed, shoving you back on Rick's dick, and then his hands slipped under your armpits to pull up your top half.
It was hard to stay upright, but thankfully Rick was generous enough to provide you the luxury of his hands tight against your tits, keeping your back flush against his chest.
Oh, it was a goddamn shame Daryl had just come. The sight in front of him was something he knew millions would pay- no, kill- to see. You looked breathtaking. Rick had taken your shirt off some time ago, leaving you completely bare as you kneeled in front of Daryl.
He forgot to breathe as he watched your face, slack in pleasure. You were struggling to keep your eyes open and on him, something that made his softening cock twitch. All that struggling just to look at someone like him? The hell did he deserve to have someone like you looking at him like that?
Rick deserved praise for the way he supported your weight with just his hands, keeping your entire upper half pressed against his chest while he fucked you in desperate effort to finally get off. His dick felt raw from how long he'd been at it, his balls throbbing from the delayed orgasm, it was a wonder he was able to keep himself upright, let alone you.
“Daryl.” The way you whimpered his name made his cock jump back to life, and he pushed himself up on his elbows to look up at you, eager to obey whatever it was you were about to ask.
“Yeah?” He rasped as he stared up at you.
You'd placed your hands over Rick's and moved his fingers over your nipples, which he was pinching and rolling, something he understood without you even needing to ask.
“Touch me, please.”
You didn't need to ask twice. Daryl inched down the bed and kept himself propped up on one elbow, his other arm sliding over his chest to reach your clit.
Rick decided at that moment he definitely didn't like threesomes. Feeling you twist and hearing you moan due to Daryl's thumb rubbing against you made his chest and face hot, a childish reaction considering you and Rick were not a thing, and certainly not an exclusive thing.
He just wasn't good at sharing.
The silly jealousy led to him putting his all into pleasing you. His thrusts became slower but deeper, more forceful, knocking out a gravely groan from your throat with each one. His hands left your breasts to tangle in your hair, pulling it up into a makeshift ponytail with his fist being the hair tie.
Your skin buzzed when he pressed his face into your neck to plant sloppy kisses. He bit down and you whined, arching your back against him and tilting your head to the side to provide him better access.
Unlike Rick, Daryl didn't have a care in the world. His mind was completely blank as he stared up at you above him, oblivious to the way his thumb cramped from the constant circles he rubbed into you.
“C'mere.” You breathed, wrapping your fingers in Daryl's hair to urge him up and guide his mouth to your nipples.
Daryl's eagerness to please was one of the hottest things you'd ever witnessed. He took your right nipple in his mouth and went to town like his life depended on it.
He flexed his tongue, digging the firm and wet muscle around your bud, circling it the same way his thumb now circled your clit.
Your orgasm came screeching out of nowhere.
You cried out and gripped Daryl's head tighter, pulling his mouth firm against your breast as you came.
The feeling of your walls squeezing the life out of his cock finally brought about Rick's own climax.
He wrapped his fist around the hair bundled in his grasp and tugged your head to the side, baring your neck to his itching teeth, and clamped down as he gave a rough thrust.
You'd failed to notice that at some point Daryl had grown hard again, only noticing when he let out a ragged moan into your wet chest.
Your bleary eyes found him and caught sight of his hand quickly jerking himself. There was the flash of thick cum spurting out, long ropes coating the inside of your thighs.
“Fuck.” You slurred. Now that was the new hottest thing you'd ever seen.
Rick's teeth released their grip on your neck. He pulled back and let his head droop back as he caught his breath, his shoulders heaving with deep and ragged pants. He became aware of how uncomfortably sweaty he was. His chest and back felt soaked, and he dropped your hair to pull away from you.
You heard Rick plop down on the bed behind you, the springs creaking from his sudden weight dropping on it all at once. You were too busy admiring Daryl to pay attention to it.
There was a lazy smile on your face, your eyes half lidded and glued to his face. Even though the room was dark you were sure you could see how red his cheeks were. His lips were glossy and parted as he took in deep breaths, still wet from drooling all over your tits.
He could barely keep his eyes open, and with the way you had one hand cupping his face, the other brushing back his sweaty hair, he wasn't sure he wanted to. The sweet way you were looking down at him was just too hard to look away from.
The next morning wasn't as awkward as one would think, even though it was obvious Rick was having some internal battle on the ethics of what he'd done the night before. He'd never been in a situation where he knew he really shouldn't be doing something like that, so his lack of restraint was new knowledge he'd have to ponder over.
Daryl couldn't give any less of a fuck, that morning he gave you the whole princess treatment. Grabbing your now dry clothes, your bag, your shoes, and bringing them to you. Offered you the last of his water and opened every door you came across for you. He didn't say much at all, much like Rick, but his mood was clearly the exact opposite.
It was so sweet it made your heart ache.
“Hey.” Rick pulled you aside after you finally got back home, shooting Daryl a look to give the two of you privacy.
“Hi.” You smiled. The stern look on his face was cute.
“What we did-”
“Don't.” You stopped him, giving the man a tired smile. “It was the sexiest thing I've ever done and I'm fine with it being a one time thing, but don't ruin it and tell me it was wrong.”
“I wasn't going to say that.” His gaze had softened, but he still looked down at you with his hands on his hips like a disappointed authority figure. “I just don't want you to think it's okay to bring up if we're all alone again.”
“I'm not stupid.” You snorted, adjusting your bag on your shoulder. “Won't bring it up again.”
He sighed in frustration, trying not to roll his eyes but failing. “No, it ain't that either. Let's just- next time,” your eyes widened, “not be as spontaneous.”
You grinned. “Alright. You got it.”
Daryl was nowhere near as reserved about the experience. You could understand Rick's point of view, conservative family man, that was probably the most extreme thing he'd ever done in bed. But Daryl, oh, you'd just changed his fucking world.
“Pst.”
You stopped in front of the bathroom to see Daryl nodding you over, lighting a cigarette as he stood near the door to his room.
“Hi.” You smiled after approaching him.
“You okay?”
You beamed at the question, shifting your pile of clothes in your arms. “Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?”
He nodded as he took the first pull, turning his head to blow the smoke away from your face. “Is, uh…” He nodded his head to the front door, where Rick still stood on the porch talking to a few people. “He alright?”
“He's fine.”
“Alright. Good.” He shifted awkwardly. He cleared his throat, looking down at the cherry on his cigarette before bringing it back up to his lips. “That somethin' you wanna do again?”
You pursed your lips in an attempt to hide the ecstatic smile that threatened to embarrass you, and nodded.
He let out a breath that sounded like a laugh of relief and disbelief. There were a few seconds of silence, his eyes darting between his cigarette and your face. “With me?”
“Of course. Maybe next time just you.” You turned to head back to the bathroom but quickly turned on your heel and walked back to him. “Daryl? When did you,” you struggled to get the words out, ironic considering how bold youd been the night before, “you know, wake up?”
“Oh.” He grunted, his ears burning. “Dunno. While before.”
You felt a mix of embarrassment and relief. So he had pushed his knee between your legs on purpose. The thought had your stomach flipping and your face getting warm, so you gave a quick and polite smile before running off to the bathroom.
Summary: She’s been riding his nerves for years, but when she waltzes into his bar in that little dress, pushing every damn button, Joel’s patience snaps. One jealous glare, one bar fight, and one heated moment against his truck later—he’s finally got his hands on the one thing he was never supposed to have. She may be forbidden, but tonight, she’s his to break.
Warnings: 18+ afab and fem reader, p in v sex, dbf fic, unspecified age gap, no description of reader but has big boobs and ass, dirty talk, no use of y/n, unsafe sex, oral (f! receiving), creampie, degradation, praise kink.
Word count: 3.5k
Joel Miller had never been a patient man.
Life had never given him the luxury of it. He had worked with his hands since he was young, learned early on that the world didn’t give second chances. He was a man of discipline, a man who knew how to keep his head down and his wants buried.
But she was making it damn near impossible.
She had been a teenager the first time he met her, trailing after her father, all wide eyes and laughter, running barefoot in the summer heat. He had watched her grow up, watched her turn into the kind of woman who could bring a man to his knees.
And now, she was back.
Older. Smarter. Dangerous.
She had always been off-limits. The daughter of his best friend, the one woman in the world he had no right to want. But she was making it impossible not to want her.
It had been easy to tease him, to poke at that ironclad patience of his and see ifshe could get a reaction. A lingering touch here, a too-sweet smile there. Watching the way his jaw clenched every time she called him Mr. Miller in that honeyed voice just to watch his ears turn red.
But no matter how much she pushed, Joel never broke.
Miller’s was packed, bodies moving, voices loud, music twanging through the air.
Joel had been behind the bar all night, pouring drinks, barely listening to the conversations around him. He had been doing a good job of keeping his mind on work, on anything but her.
Until she walked in.
The air seemed to shift, a pull in his gut that made his grip tighten around the glass in his hand.
And then he saw her.
That pretty little dress clung to her, the hem swaying just high enough to make his throat go dry. The cowboy boots only made it worse, giving her the perfect mix of sweet and wild, like she belonged there, like she wasn’t trying at all.
Except he knew she was. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Her gaze found his across the room, and a slow smile curved her lips.
His gaze dragged over her, slow and deliberate, before snapping back up to her face. He looked pissed.
Good.
Smiling to herself, she let her friends pull her toward the bar, where Joel was still watching, still brooding. She leaned against the counter, resting her elbows on the wood, waiting for him to say something.
He didn’t.
Instead, he grabbed a glass and poured her a drink, sliding it across the bar without a word.
“Not gonna say hello?” she teased.
Joel kept his gaze on the glass in her hands. “You ain’t supposed to be in here.”
She tilted her head. “Since when?”
“Since you started struttin’ around like you want trouble.”
She let out a soft hum, dragging her fingers along the rim of the glass he had just poured for her. “Maybe I do.”
Joel’s jaw tightened.
She was doing it again—pushing, testing, seeing how far she could go before he snapped.
“Not tonight,” he muttered.
“Not tonight what?”
His jaw clenched even harder, his teeth grinding.
She leaned in just a little, voice soft, sweet, coaxing. “You don’t like my dress, Mr. Miller?”
Joel exhaled sharply. “You think this is a game?”
Her lips twitched, like she was trying not to grin. Joel had to look away before he did something stupid, something reckless.
Like pull her across the damn bar and show her exactly how much he liked that dress.
The night carried on, the bar growing louder as the drinks flowed. She was laughing with her friends, sipping her whiskey slow, when she felt it—
A hand.
Not Joel’s.
Rough fingers slid along her lower back, dipping too low, too familiar. She tensed, turning sharply to find a man standing too close, grinning like he had a right to touch her.
“Hey there, sweetheart,” he slurred, breath heavy with beer.
She moved to step back, but he caught her wrist, holding on just tight enough to make her stomach twist.
“Let go,” She said, voice cool.
He laughed. “Aw, don’t be like that.”
Then, all at once, he was gone.
Yanked back so hard he stumbled, nearly falling on his ass.
Joel.
He was furious.
She had never seen him like this, not even when he was arguing with her dad about football scores or fixing some busted-up truck in the heat of summer. This was different.
Dangerous.
His hand was wrapped around the man’s wrist, squeezing so tight she could see the strain in his forearm.
“I told you,” Joel said, voice low, steady, lethal. “Get your goddamn hands off her.”
The man tried to laugh it off, but Joel yanked him forward just enough to make his breath hitch.
“You touch her again, I will break your fuckin’ hand.”
Dead silence.
The man swallowed, eyes darting around the room, looking for anyone who might step in. But no one did.
They knew better than to cross Joel Miller.
He let go, shoving the guy backward. “Get the hell out of my bar.”
The man didn’t hesitate.
Didn’t even look at her again. Just turned and left, tail tucked between his legs. And then Joel turned to her.
“Outside. Now.”
"Lets go," he barked, his voice cutting through the cacophony of the bar like a knife. The other men gathered around her table with protested, but Joel's icy glare sent them retreating faster than a coyote with its tail between its legs. She was still taken aback by his sudden aggression, but didn't struggle as he practically dragged her out of the bar and to his truck.
He didn’t stop until they reached his truck, the metal cool against her back as he crowded into her space.
“What the hell were you thinkin’?” he growled.
Her pulse was racing, but she forced herself to hold his gaze. “I wasn’t doin’ anything.”
Joel exhaled sharply, his hands braced against the truck on either side of her. His body was close, heat rolling off him in waves.
“You been runnin’ me in circles since you got back,” he muttered. “Wearin’ these little dresses, givin’ me that damn smile, callin’ me—”
She licked her lips, voice soft. “Mr. Miller?”
Joel groaned. His fingers flexed against the truck, like he was fighting every instinct in his body to keep from touching her.
“You don’t know what you’re doin’, girl.”
She tilted her head, her lips a breath away from his. “What if I do?”
Silence.
Thick, heavy, charged.
Joel’s hand came up before he could stop himself, rough fingers tracing the line of her jaw, tilting her face up. His thumb brushed over her bottom lip, slow and deliberate.
Her breath hitched.
“Joel—”
He kissed her. It was desperate, all fire and hunger, years of restraint snapping like a damn rope pulled too tight.
His hands slid to her waist, pulling her flush against him, pressing her against the truck. She gasped against his lips, and he took advantage of it, deepening the kiss, claiming her.
Her hands fisted in his shirt, tugging him closer, like she wanted to crawl inside him, like she had been waiting for this just as long as he had.
Joel lifted her onto the edge of the tailgate, his grip firm on her thighs. Her dress rode up, exposing soft, smooth skin against the rough denim of his jeans.
He pulled back just enough to look at her, breathing ragged.
“You sure about this?”
She didn’t hesitate. She grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him back in. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
Joel groaned, resting his forehead against hers. “You’re gonna be the death of me.”
She smiled, breathless. “Then at least you’ll die happy.”
His control shattered.
He kissed her again, deeper, hungrier, and this time, he didn’t stop.
He opened the door of his truck and threw her into the backseat, the leather cool against her bare skin. He didn't bother with pleasantries or explanations; he knew she was playing with fire, and it was high time she felt the burn. His eyes raked over her, taking in every curve and freckle that made her uniquely her. She met his gaze, a mix of defiance and curiosity in her own eyes. He leaned in, his breath hot against her neck, and whispered, "You've been asking for this all night, darlin'."
Her heart raced as he climbed in beside her, the weight of his body pressing her into the seat. The smell of his cologne, leather, and something uniquely Joel filled the small space, making her head spin. His rough hands began to roam, tracing the lines of her body as if they were an ancient map, each touch setting her skin alight. Her own hands found his beard, and she pulled his face closer, feeling the prickle against her cheek. His lips claimed hers in a kiss that was as fierce as it was possessive. She could feel his hunger, his need to claim her as his own.
He pulled away, his eyes dark with lust, and grabbed his hat from the front seat. "Wear it," he grunted, placing it on her head. The brim shadowed her face, making her feel a mix of excitement and naughtiness. He took a moment to appreciate the sight of her in his cowboy hat, a stark contrast to the bratty persona she had been putting on all night. She bit her bottom lip, her eyes sparkling with mischief.
With surprising gentleness, Joel pulled her shirt over her head, revealing her ample breasts that bounced free, the cool air making her nipples tighten into delicious little buds. He took one in his mouth, teasing it with his tongue, while his hands found there way under her dress, tracing her soft thighs. She gasped, arching her back, the fabric of the hat brushing against her neck as she reached for him. Her hands roamed over his muscular chest, feeling the strength beneath.
Her own dress was quickly discarded, leaving her in just her lacy panties. He groaned, taking in the sight of her. His own desire was evident, pressing against the fabric of his jeans, but he took his time, savoring the moment. He reached down and slid her panties off, tossing them aside. "You're going to be the death of me," he murmured against her skin as he kissed his way down her body.
He settled between her legs, his breath hot against the sensitive flesh of her inner thighs. He took a moment to appreciate the sight before him, her pussy glistening with want. "So sweet," he whispered, his voice gruff with desire. He dipped his head and licked her, a long, slow stroke that made her moan. She was already close, her body tightening with every flick of his tongue. He chuckled darkly, the sound sending vibrations through her. "You're eager, aren't you?"
Joel didn't wait for an answer; he feasted on her, his tongue delving into her depths, lapping up her sweetness. She squirmed beneath him, her hands grabbing fistfuls of his hair as she pushed herself closer to his mouth. "You taste like heaven," he murmured, his breath tickling her clit. His hands gripped her thighs, holding her in place as he worked her over with his mouth, his teeth grazing her sensitive skin.
The tension built, coiling tighter and tighter within her until she couldn't take it anymore. She shuddered, her orgasm ripping through her like a tornado, leaving her panting and trembling in its wake. He looked up at her, a smug smile playing on his lips, his eyes gleaming with satisfaction. "Good girl," he praised, his voice thick with lust. "Now, you've been teasing me for so long, let's see if you can handle the real deal."
With a swiftness that belied his size, Joel stripped off his clothes, his muscles rippling in the dim light of the truck's cabin. He was a vision of raw masculinity, a stark contrast to the gentle care he had taken with her moments before. He grabbed her, pulling her onto his lap so that she straddled him, his erection pressing against her soaked pussy. "Ride me," he ordered, his voice low and commanding. She didn't hesitate, sliding down onto him, feeling him fill her completely.
Her gasp was music to his ears, and he watched as she adjusted to his size, her eyes fluttering closed as she began to move. Joel's hands found her hips, guiding her movements, his thumbs tracing lazy circles on her skin. "Look at me," he said, his voice a gruff whisper. She obeyed, her eyes locking with his, and he could see the trust, the need, the desire all swirling together in their depths.
He leaned back against the seat, watching her ride him with a fierce determination that sent bolts of pleasure through his body. The hat sat askew on her head, her hair a wild mess around her face, and she had never looked more beautiful. His grip tightened on her hips, urging her to go faster, deeper. "Take what you want from me, darlin'. Show me what you've been hiding from me all these years."
Her movements grew more frantic, her breasts bouncing with every bounce, her moans filling the space around them. Joel could feel his own climax building, the base of his spine tingling with the promise of release. He leaned forward, capturing one of her nipples between his teeth, giving it a gentle bite that made her gasp and ride him harder. "That's it," he murmured, his voice a dark rumble in his chest. "You're going to make me come sweet girl."
The words seemed to spur her on, and she began to grind down on him with a fervor that was almost animalistic. Her nails dug into his shoulders, leaving little half-moons that would likely bruise by morning. But Joel didn't care. All he could focus on was the exquisite pleasure she was giving him, the way her pussy clenched around his cock with every movement she made. He knew he wouldn't last much longer.
With a growl, he flipped their positions, her back now pressed against the cool leather of the seat. He was relentless, pumping into her with a force that made the truck rock slightly. His hands found her breasts again, kneading them roughly as he claimed her mouth in another bruising kiss. She could feel his dominance, his need to possess her, and it only made her wetter.
Joel's hand slipped down between them, his calloused fingers finding her clit. He began to rub it in time with his thrusts, the sensation sending sparks of pleasure shooting through her body. She moaned into his mouth, her nails now digging into his back, her body begging for more. "Cum for me," he murmured, his voice a dark promise in her ear. "I want to feel you come all over my cock."
Her walls tightened around him, and she knew she couldn't hold out much longer. With a cry, she shattered, her orgasm tearing through her like a wildfire, consuming every part of her being. Joel followed her over the edge, his own release hot and powerful as he buried himself deep within her. They stayed there, locked together, for several long moments, their breathing the only sound in the quiet parking lot.
When he finally pulled out, she could feel the emptiness he left behind, both physically and emotionally. He didn't say a word as he tucked himself back into his pants, his movements efficient and practiced. She watched him, her chest heaving, the hat still perched on her head. It felt strange now, a symbol of what had just transpired between them.
Joel reached for a pack of cigarettes from the dashboard, lighting one up with a shaky hand. He took a long drag, the tip glowing red in the darkness before he turned to her. "You know, you've been playing a dangerous game," he said, his voice a low rumble. "You can't just tease a man like that and not expect consequences."
She sat up, her breath still coming in ragged gasps, the hat slipping slightly on her head. "I know," she whispered, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. "But you liked it, didn't you?"
Joel's expression was unreadable, his eyes hooded as he took another drag of his cigarette. He beckoned her closer with a crook of his finger, his voice a soft rumble. "Come here, darlin'." She complied, sliding over to him, the leather of the seat sticking slightly to her skin. He pulled her into his arms, holding her close, the hat still perched on her head.
The warmth of his embrace was a stark contrast to the coolness of the night air that had seeped into the truck. His heart thudded against her ear, a steady rhythm that seemed to echo the beat of her own. He inhaled deeply, breathing in her scent, a mix of sweetness and sex that was uniquely hers. "You know your daddy's going to kill me if he ever finds out about this," he murmured, his breath hot against her skin.
She giggled, the sound a little shaky, and snuggled closer to him. "Don't worry," she whispered, "I won't tell." Her fingers traced lazy patterns on his chest, feeling the steady thrum of his heart beneath her touch. The gravity of their situation settled on her, the reality of what they had just done heavy in the air between them.
"You're mine now," Joel said, his voice gruff but not unkind. "All those pretty dresses you wear, all for me to peel off." He reached down and picked up her discarded panties, holding them up with a smirk. "And these," he added, tucking them into his pocket, "are mine now."
She looked up at him, the hat tilting slightly to the side. "What are you saying?" she asked, her voice a mix of surprise and excitement.
"I'm saying," Joel began, his eyes dark and intense, "that from now on, every time you wear those little dresses that drive me wild, it's my cock you're thinking about. Every time you spread your legs for anyone else, you're going to remember whose cock you really want." He took another drag of his cigarette, his gaze never leaving hers. "And when I say no one else gets to taste you, darlin', I mean it."
Her heart fluttered at his possessive words, a thrill of fear and excitement racing through her veins. "But, Joel, my dad—"
"I don't care about your daddy," he cut her off, his voice firm. "You're mine, and I'm not sharing." His eyes bore into hers, leaving no room for argument. "You'll wear those dresses, keep 'em guessing, but they'll never know what's hidden beneath. They won't get to taste what's mine."
He took her hand and placed it over his heart, the steady beat beneath his palm a declaration of his ownership. "You're not just a pretty face in a short dress anymore. You're mine to protect, mine to cherish, mine to fuck." He leaned in, his breath a warm caress on her neck. "And when you wear that hat," his voice grew gruffer, "you're riding the cowboy."
Her cheeks flushed with a mix of excitement and trepidation. The weight of his words was intoxicating, a heady blend of fear and desire that had her knees trembling. She knew the rules had changed, the line she'd been toeing all night had been crossed, and there was no turning back. "I won't let anyone else have me, I'm yours," she murmured, her voice a soft promise that seemed to vibrate through him.
Joel's grip on her tightened, his eyes never leaving hers. "You'd better not," he warned, his tone playful yet laced with a hint of seriousness that made her stomach flip. He leaned in and kissed her again, a kiss that spoke of ownership and passion. His hand found her bare thigh, his thumb stroking the sensitive skin, sending waves of pleasure through her body. "Every time you wear one of those dresses, I'll know that underneath, you'll be dripping full of me, my cum will make sure it says 'property of Joel Miller.'"
The thought made her blush, but she didn't pull away. Instead, she leaned into his touch, her hand sliding down to his crotch, feeling him harden again. "Only for you," she murmured, her voice a siren's call in the quiet night.
He groaned, his hand coming up to cup her face, his thumb brushing over her bottom lip. "Good girl," he praised, his voice thick with lust. "Now, let's get you dressed and back inside before anyone starts asking questions." He helped her into her clothes, his movements almost tender. As she adjusted her dress she couldn't help but feel a twinge of regret, knowing that she'd be giving up the thrill of the chase. But the look in Joel's eyes told her that the real fun was just beginning.
summary: When you start university to do your master’s in physics, you are more than surprised to meet your professor: Joel Miller, an old friend of your parents' who moved away years ago.
word–count: 15k
warnings: professor kink, power imbalance due to Joel being reader's professor, illegal relationship (overage & consenting), dbf!Joel, big fat age gap (unspecified but written with early 20s & mid 50s in mind), unprotected piv, just overall daddy issues (no use of the word daddy)
note: Okay, time to tell you I am a big nerd and studied physics in uni. Truth is, I quit to pursue a career in the arts, so my knowledge of masters level physics is...a little rusty. Please be lenient with me if I messed anything up. Also, I know most people hate physics, but I promise Joel makes it hot. Warning: explanation of the Dirac equation as foreplay. Also, I'm European and have no fucking clue how the American education system works but I don't care enough to do research. Enjoy <3333
event horizon
noun ASTRONOMY
a notional boundary around a black hole beyond which no light or other radiation can escape.
a point of no return.
Uni felt different at eighteen, when everything was about moving out, drinking beer at frat parties, and kissing boys who didn’t grow up in the same town you did. It was an exciting time, the degree itself fading into the background of all sorts of new experiences, but now that you’re doing your masters, you plan on focusing on your your grades more than on partying.
You enrolled in a new university, farther away from home, with a better physics program, and although you’ve grown up considerably, you still feel that tingle of anxiety you did when you first walked to your dorm, fresh out of high school. This time you won’t have to share with another student, spending your saved money on a bit of privacy that is a single dorm room, but still, you wonder if you’ll make friends here, or if you’ll spend your night hauled up alone, watching trash TV and crying because you’re lonely.
The room is small, blank, but functional with a bathroom you share with another student and a small kitchenette, and immediately you dream of all the ways you could decorate it. You didn’t bring much, just a big suitcase and a few boxes your Dad dropped off earlier. You feel slightly guilty for leaving your parents behind, but the relief outweighs the guilt – you won’t have to come home every Sunday for dinner, visits will be scarce. You love you parents, but the distance is much needed.
You get to unpacking your clothes, reveling in the fact that you can listen to music without headphones in your very own space. You could do it in your underwear, or naked, you could sing and dance along, and nobody would be bothered by it. It’s going to be a tough two years, the program you chose more than challenging, but a childish sort of giddiness fills you – no roommate to be considerate of, no parents to visit and take care of every week. This time in your life is about you, and only you – your career, but also your well-being. You promise yourself to do what makes you happy, instead of looking out for everyone else all of the time, and you’ll start by ordering Thai food and watching the trashiest movie with the hottest actors you can find on the little flatscreen you brought with you.
***
Your first lecture is Computational Physics – the one you’re looking forward to the least. The reason you decided to study physics at all was the predictable logic behind each problem, but the more you studied, the more complex the problems got, until they were impossible to solve analytically. Now you get to solve fluid dynamic equations and simulate quantum systems on a Monday morning instead of having a peaceful cup of coffee and taking a walk around campus.
The lecture hall is big, and you pick a seat that is neither too far away to be able to read the professor’s notes, nor close enough to immediately be pinned as an over-eager teacher’s pet. In the end, you plop down next to a girl who’s sitting alone, something about her shaved head and countless earrings making you think she wouldn’t make fun of you even if you didn’t understand a single thing all lecture.
"Okay if I sit here?", you ask somewhat timidly, trying hard not to sound too much like an eleven year old Ron Weasley boarding the train to Hogwarts.
"Please," the girl answers, "I don’t know anybody here."
"Did you move here, too?"
"Yeah, I’m from New York."
"You look it," you say with a smile, eyes drifting over her clothes and jewelry.
"Thanks…I guess?", she answers, her grin revealing a charming gap between her front teeth. "I’m Alva."
You introduce yourself, thankful to have found someone you can stick to already. Throughout the lecture you find out that apart from being much cooler than everyone else in the room, Alva has a biting sense of humor, and a near endless knowledge of computational physics. You make a mental note to ask her to study together, her explanations much easier to understand than the professor’s.
The two of you spend your lunch break together, and you tell her a little bit about yourself, but way too soon it’s time to go already – you have Advanced Quantum Mechanics in a different lecture hall. This you find way more interesting, basic quantum mechanics was one of your favorite lectures during your bachelor’s degree. As Alva and you sit down, you find yourself hoping you’ll be able to help her out this time, or you’d feel like a leech for making her help you with Computational. She doesn’t seem bothered, though, and keeps babbling happily about a band she recently discovered.
"– Britpop, but they only put out two albums. I think they were like a student band or something? They’re wildly underrated, I’ll send you a song, their debut is called The Sun Is Often Out."
Your thoughts start to wander off a little, eyes drifting over the old-fashioned chalkboards, when the door at the front of the lecture hall opens, and a tall man walks in – a man you recognize.
"Holy shit," you whisper, interrupting Alva’s rant about the Longpigs, and she turns her head to look at what you’re staring at.
"Damn," she says with a grin, "if I wasn’t gay, I’d want a piece of that."
"No," you snort, "I know him. He’s my Dad’s friend."
Alva opens her mouth to say something, but at that moment, Joel Miller steps forward, checking to see if the microphone is working, and introduces himself to the hundreds of students in front of him. His voice is deep, and as warm as you remember it, but that’s where the accuracy of your memories ends – your childish brain failed to register the tanned forearms and rolled up sleeves, the carelessly styled curls, the perfect side-profile. He’s got grey streaks in his hair now, which should send you into a crisis about time passing and your own little life being finite, but instead it makes your stomach swirl with something dangerous. Joel Miller, the Joel Miller, who organized backyard barbecues with your father and bought your favorite vegan sausages when your Dad rolled his eyes at you, who made strawberry lemonade instead of lemon, because he knew you preferred it, who helped you with your physics homework when you were graduating high school and didn’t rat you out when he caught you smoking at seventeen – he’s handsome.
There’s still a familiarity about him, the way he moves and talks, although it’s unsettling to see him in such a different environment. You’re used to band-tee-Joel, beer bottle and tongs in his hands, a breezy smile on his face. He looks different here, in a white button-down, with a stern expression on his face, as he’s reading the names on his list to check attendance. When he calls Alva’s name and she raises her hand, his eyes flicker upwards, but he doesn’t look at you. Still, your stomach lurches. If you listen carefully, you can detect that southern twang in his voice you’re sure most people would miss, and it fills you with satisfaction to know you’re the one who knows him best in this room – you’re sure half the lecture hall must see how attractive he is.
When he reads out your name, there’s a surprised lilt to his tone, and your heart threatens to skip a beat.
"Here."
Your eyes meet, and although his expression doesn’t change, he holds your eyecontact for a second too long. Alva nudges your side and grins.
Your plans about outshining Alva and returning the favor of helping with a lecture are quickly buried by Joel Miller’s beautiful hands – thick fingers holding a piece of chalk almost tenderly, twirling it around when he isn’t writing on the chalkboard. You vaguely register him introducing the Dirac equation, but as interesting as you would normally find it, your thoughts are stuck between memories of barbecues and the realization that you will have to call the man who taught you to drive Professor Miller.
If Alva notices your wandering mind, she doesn’t comment on it, which you’re thankful for. You do notice her throwing you a couple of knowing glances, as you copy down what Joel is writing down, mixing up gamma, delta, and the Dirac spinor.
"Alright, so you all know how Schrödinger’s equation works great for quantum mechanics, but it doesn’t play nicely with Einstein’s relativity, right? That’s a problem because electrons move fast, sometimes close to the speed of light, so we need an equation that respects both quantum mechanics and special relativity. That’s where Dirac steps in."
He’s still got that warm way of explaining things your Dad never managed when you needed help in high school, like he enjoys clearing things up for people. He’s a born teacher, patient when you panicked in the car because you confused the clutch and the break, persistent when you wanted to throw your physics book against a wall. Look, kid, think of it this way: Push harder, it moves faster. Make it heavier, it’s harder to move. If you apply a force F to an object with mass m, it will accelerate a. That’s why your Dad’s car takes longer to stop than your bike. Even now, he manages to make a far more complex equation than Newton’s second law tangible.
"Dirac's equation is like the grown-up version of Schrödinger’s equation. It explains how particles with spin-half, like electrons, behave when they move at relativistic speeds. The gamma mu matrices make sure the equation works in four-dimensional spacetime, meaning three space dimensions plus time. The psi is a spinor, which is just a fancy way of saying that an electron isn’t just a simple wave function, it actually has spin built into its nature. Now, can anyone think of a situation where we would need to use this equation instead of the regular Schrödinger equation?"
Nobody raises their hand, most people still busy with writing down Joel’s complicated notes, and as if on cue, his eyes are on yours when you look up from your notebook. He raises an eyebrow, and you see the corner of his mouth twitch almost imperceptibly. Then, he calls your last name, a formal Miss dripping off his tongue as if he hasn’t called you kiddo for most of your life. It’s almost like he’s making a joke only the two of you are able to understand, and the thought thrills you to your bone. Two can play this game – you smile back.
"Sure, Professor Miller. You’d use it for studying high-energy particles, like electrons in particle accelerators, because it accounts for relativistic speeds. It’s also needed for situations where particles are created or destroyed, which Schrödinger’s equation doesn’t cover."
Again, his eyes linger on yours, and his slightly amused smile turns into a more genuine one at your answer. You let out a relieved sigh.
"Exactly," Joel answers, his attention on the rest of the class again, "Someone payed attention during Basic Quantum Mechanics. Now, here’s where it gets wild. When Dirac wrote this down, he realized it naturally predicts antiparticles, meaning for every electron, there should be a mirror-image particle with opposite charge, which we now call the positron. That was a huge deal because it wasn’t something people were expecting, it just fell out of the math."
For the rest of the class, Joel doesn’t continue that little game between the two of you, but whenever he asks a question, his gaze flickers over you, and your stomach gives an embarrassing little jump. Alva grins whenever this happens, but for most of the class she’s busy following Joel’s explanations.
"I want you to read up on today’s lecture," Joel says at the end of the lecture, and writes down a few page numbers on the chalkboard, "and solve the problems I mentioned earlier. Attendance isn’t mandatory, we’re all adults here, but I urge you to come if you’re interested in graduating in the next three years. Trust me, it’s easier to just do the work here than in your dorms. Now, enjoy the weather, see you Monday."
You and Alva pack up your things, and before she can ask you which class you have next, you pick up your backpack.
"I’m gonna say hi to him," you tell her, nodding in Joel’s direction, "my Dad and him go way back."
"Sure," Alva says, a cheeky smile on her face, "it’d be rude not to."
"Meet you outside?"
"I’ll be at the vending machine. Go get him," she jokes, and you snort.
Joel is packing up his course materials when you make your way down the steps and to his desk, but he looks up when he hears you coming towards him, and immediately his face splits into a smile. If you were anywhere else and ten years younger, he’d probably ruffle your hair.
"Good lecture," you say, "Dad didn’t tell me you’re teaching again."
Joel puts his piece of chalk into a tin box and nods.
"I don’t think he knows. You know how it is, we never get around to callin’ and I haven’t been home in a while."
So this is a new development, perhaps even Joel’s first semester back at university, too.
"What about the contracting? Don’t you miss the…pipes?"
He chuckles at your lack in basic contracting knowledge, his eyes not moving from yours.
"Ah, that was always Tommy, he just needed a little help. Company’s doin’ well now, though, so he’ll manage without me."
You think you remember Tommy – a man good-naturedly chasing you and the rest of the giggling neighborhood kids with a harden hose – but the memory is too vague to be sure it’s really him.
"You’ve grown up," Joel says, almost accusingly, and you shrug and smile. "Doin’ your master’s already. How come you’re familiar with Dirac?"
His accent is much thicker now that it’s only the two of you, and you notice a hint of pride when he asks about your correct answer to his question during the lecture. The satisfied feeling it gives you is still the same as when he high-fived you after your drivers test, or when he patted your back after you solved a problem for school without his help.
"Summer reading," you admit, trying hard not to sound like a nerd, "Basic Quantum Mechanics was my favorite lecture as an undergrad."
Joel smiles at you, and puts his notes into his leather bag. He slings it across his shoulder, and nods towards the door.
"How would you like to grab a coffee and tell me all about what’s been goin’ on with you and your old man?"
Your eyes flicker briefly over his hand, gripping the strap of his bag, and you raise an eyebrow.
"What’s the policy for staff having coffee with their students, Professor?"
Joel holds your gaze, the corners of his mouth twitching.
"I’m actually not sure, Miss, I’ve never had to check before."
He’s playing along, and it feels dangerously blurry – yes, he’s your Dad’s old friend, your childhood neighbor, but it feels like more than just joking around.
"Does that mean I’m your first, then?", you ask, voice sweet and close to flirting now. The smile freezes on Joel’s face, and his gaze becomes almost calculating.
"Am I yours?" he asks you softly, and the double-meaning behind his question isn’t lost on you. You feel a thrilling pang in your stomach – Joel Miller is flirting with you.
***
You do end up getting coffee after you tell Alva you’ll meet her later, Joel reassuring you it won’t get him into trouble, and you’re fascinated to see he still drinks it black. What fascinates you even more is that you remember how he takes his coffee, and you wonder why your brain filed this fact away as important, not to be forgotten.
"So, when did you graduate? Sorry I missed it."
There’s honest regret in his voice, which surprises you. Joel was always a warm person, but you figured he cared for you as much as he would have for any kid living across the street.
"Last June," you tell him, dropping a sugar cube into your cappuccino. "I spent the summer working, and now I’m here."
"How d’you like it so far?"
You give a nervous chuckle, torn between the honest truth and pleasant small talk. You opt for the former – this is Joel, after all, not some stranger.
"To be honest with you, I oscillate between enjoying my freedom away from Mom and Dad, and being scared shitless by starting over somewhere new," you admit, looking at your coffee. You haven’t told people about your fear, and it feels good to finally admit it – the grip your parents have had on you makes your newfound freedom almost uncomfortable.
"What d’you mean, startin’ over?", Joel asks, his voice strikingly gentle. You sigh, and shrug.
"I know the distance is good for me, but it was comfortable, just doing what my parents expected of me. I had good grades, nice friends, and just the right amount of drunken nights for them not to worry about my social life too much," you explain, "and now it’s like…there’s so much room to be someone else, cause they won’t see it anyway."
You look up, embarrassed to have spilt your guts like this, but Joel looks thoughtful, his thumb moving along the handle of his coffee cup.
"Sorry," you mutter, "I know they’re your friends, but they can be…"
"Overbearing?"
You smile at him gratefully and he smiles back.
"Look, I know your parents pretty well. They love you to bits, but as an adult I imagine it must be stiflin’.“
"Yeah," you sigh, grateful for his understanding, "I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not…their kid."
Joel nods, and sips his coffee, apparently pondering what you said.
"I promised myself I would only do what makes me happy while I’m here," you tell him sheepishly, as if it’s a secret, and Joel laughs.
"Well, I’m not expectin’ you to hand in any homework, then."
You grin, too, and shake your head. It’s surreal, Joel being your professor, and you wearing your heart on your sleeve for him.
"Don’t worry, Professor Miller, I’m not dropping your class."
"You’d better not, it’d really hurt my feelings," Joel says, eyes trained on yours. Again, that blurriness set in motion by the change of his role in your life: neighbor to professor to – what?
"What about you, though? This your first semester here?"
"Second," he tells you, "but I still don’t feel at home. Once a Texan, always a Texan, I guess."
You cock your head and watch him drain the last of his coffee, the cup tiny in his hands.
"What?" he asks you, curiosity evident in his voice.
"You look so different," you say, and Joel scoffs.
"Well, that’s real nice. Know I’m not thirty anymore, but geez–"
"No," you say with a grin, "it’s not that. I don’t know, I’ve just never seen you teach before. Or dressed this nice – I remember you mowing the lawn in a Fleetwood Mac shirt, not checking attendance in a button down."
Joel’s cheeks go slightly pink, and he scoffs again.
"Well, I can’t show up here in a band tee, can I? Gotta dress the part," he mutters.
"I get it. You suit it," you tell him, if only to see that blush appear on his face again. He looks up at you, holding your gaze for a couple of seconds, then he shakes his head.
"What were the odds of us meetin’ like this, huh? I gotta call your father and tell him."
Something about that bothers you, you’d prefer for your parents not to know. You like sitting here with Joel, reminiscing the old times, without anybody getting a peek in.
"Or not," he says gently, seeing the expression on your face.
"Sorry," you say, "course you can tell him."
"You apologize a lot," he tells you, and you fight the urge to say sorry once again. "It’s okay, I’m not tellin’ anyone, kid. ’S just you n me."
That pang in your stomach again, and you nod.
"Alright," you answer, "just us."
You get a refill for the two of you, and a blueberry muffin to split, which feels strangely intimate, but Joel pats his stomach and jokes about keeping an eye on his figure, so you grin, and ask the barista to cut it in half. Joel asks you about your friends, and you tell him about Alva.
"Oh yes," he says and swallows a bite of the muffin, "that punky lookin’ kid who sits next to you?"
"Yeah, she’s nice. Haven’t really met anyone else."
"Geez, I’m not keepin’ you from findin’ frat boys to hook up with, am I?"
You laugh, the idea of sitting here with a twenty-something year old kid named Cole or Josh instead of him so absurd, you can’t help it.
"No," you tell him, "I’m honestly enjoying the fact that I don’t have to have someone else in my dorm anymore."
"Well, that’s a relief to hear," Joel says, "they’re all dipshits."
You remember him telling you something similar about the boys in high school, and it makes you smile. He’s still got that protective streak, then.
"To tell you the truth, I’m glad you’re here," you say quietly, "if I’m not making any friends, I can come crying to you."
Joel watches you for a couple of seconds, not laughing as you intended, but taking your words seriously.
"Course you’ll make friends. Give it a couple of weeks, and you’ll have forgotten all about physics cause you’ll be skippin’ classes left and right to hang out with people."
You don’t tell him, but you think it’s very unlikely you’ll skip any of his classes. Still, you appreciate his words and how confident he seems to be in your ability to open up to people.
"Well, will you give me the answers to your exams if I skip your class?"
"No way," he says with a cheeky smile, the crinkles around his eyes prominent. "I don’t do preferential treatment. You wanna split another blueberry muffin?"
You grin.
"Thought you were watching your waistline."
"I am, that’s why I’m only eating halves."
***
Your afternoon with Joel leaves you on a high for the rest of the day, feeling much less lonely now that you’ve had a conversation beyond the usual so how many siblings do you have? and where did you do your undergrad?
You start spending your lunch breaks with Alva and some friends she made in another lecture, all of whom are very nice. In the evenings you all go to see a movie or have dinner together in any of your dorm rooms, and although you walk around campus holding out one eye for Joel, you don’t see him for the rest of the week. There is always a nudge of disappointment in your stomach, when you glance in the direction of his office, and the door is closed, but you’re so busy, you don’t dwell on it too much. The days pass in a blur of new lectures, swapping music with Alva, and evenings spent as a group of six, and suddenly it’s Sunday again. You aren’t too sad the weekend is already over, and you know exactly why you’re looking forward to Monday, but you don’t allow yourself to think about Joel any more than you can help.
In the afternoon, while you’re doing Joel’s assignment for the next class, your mother calls, and you answer the phone with a mixture of feelings.
Hi, my darling, how are you doing?
"Hi, Mom. I’m good, just doing my work for tomorrow. How are you?"
Good, good. How was your first week? Did you meet anyone nice?
Hah, if she only knew. It feels deceptive, not telling her about Joel, but you like that for now, he’s just yours.
"Yes, this girl called Alva. We and some guys hang out a lot, there’s a cinema near by, but the lectures are pretty hard, so we only have the evenings off."
Well, I’m glad you found some nice people! Dad says hi, he’s making dinner. Anyway, baby, we miss you terribly. Do you know when you’ll be coming home?
"I just got here, Mom."
You sigh so quietly your mother can’t hear it, guilt already nagging at your heart. Sunday is the day you would usually be coming home for dinner, and you know it’s no coincidence your parents called you now.
Of course, you’re right. It’s just not easy for your Dad and me, you know? You’ve never been this far from home, and you’re our baby.
Yeah, you think, your adult baby. You sigh again.
"I don’t know if I’ll come this month, I’m still sort of settling in. But I’ll let you know if there’s a free weekend next month, alright?"
Sure, that sounds great. Will you send us some pictures of your friends, and your room?
"Sure," you say, but it bugs you that you’re giving in. Already, you’re breaking the promise you made yourself, and letting your parents further into your life here than you’re comfortable with.
"Mom, I gotta go, I’ve still got some problems to solve and I’m meeting Alva for dinner soon."
Okay, darling, enjoy your night! And make yourself heard. I love you!
"Love you, too! Talk soon."
Your kind, clingy mother, whose greatest pain is not knowing if you’re safe. In a way you miss her, and you feel guilty for being annoyed. Still, you know you have to gently nudge her away from you, or she’ll suffocate you one day. It makes you angry with yourself, because you know your Mom would have liked nothing more than to hear all about your week, but as soon as she asked you a question, you felt like your seventeen year old self again, getting yelled at because you stayed up past your curfew, and your parents didn’t know where you were.
Tears of frustration spring to your eyes – the mix of feelings too much for you to handle. You wipe them away with the back of your hand, breathe in shakily, and try to focus on your assignment again, but now you’re riled up, and the tears won’t stop.
It’s hard for you to deal with disappointing your parents, forcing them away when they would like nothing more than to know everything that’s going on in your life. So, instead of preparing for Joel’s lecture, you cry on your bed, feeling lonely and angry with yourself for hurting them. You know your reaction is disproportionate, but everything you kept buried while you lived close to your parents comes bubbling out of you.
You call Alva, tell her you have cramps because of your period and just want to stay in bed. She’s understanding, asks you if there’s anything she can do, even offers to bring you takeout or a hot water bottle, which makes you feel all the worse for lying to her. You decline her offer, tell her you’ll meet her Monday morning. In the evening, you regret not letting her bring over a real meal, eating cold pasta in your underwear, tears still running down your face and making your head pound.
***
On Monday, you feel slightly better, your headache is gone and your face isn’t as puffy as you expected it to be. Still, you’re in a solitary mood, and are glad to find Alva is able to keep up an entire conversation virtually by herself – you just grunt from time to time, or give noncommittal movements of your head in vague agreement. You hope if she notices your bad mood, she just thinks it has to do with your period.
Computational Physics is hell – you dislike it on the best of days, but guilt ridden and tired, you’re barely able to pay attention at all, and the professor’s handwriting is so bad, you end up copying down Alva’s notes instead. She’s kind about it, slides over her notebook at an angle that makes it easy to read, and you make a mental note to thank her for being so kind to you while you’re offering nothing but a scowling expression all day. Maybe you’ll cook for her, or make a mixtape of your favorite songs, just to show her you’re interested in being actual good friends.
Lunch passes easily, as always you sit with Alva and the guys, and there’s enough people for you to stare at your mashed potatoes and repeatedly stab them with your fork instead of eating them. They taste like flour mixed up with water, and you dream up your father’s Sunday dinner instead, but it does little to help with the taste.
"So, you lookin’ forward to flirting with Miller in front of the whole lecture hall again?" Alva asks you, as you’re making your way to said room. You glare at her, but can’t help the corners of your mouth twitching.
"Wasn’t flirting with him," you answer, kicking a pebble, "I grew up across the street from him, I’ve known him practically my whole life."
"Whatever you say, grumpy," Alva teases, nudging your shoulder with hers. You’re overcome with a rush of gratitude for the way she treats you, persistently kind and humorous. You chuckle, your mood lifting slightly.
"He’s probably been waiting for you to turn legal," she continues, and you groan.
"Gross, Alva, he’s not a creep."
"I’m just saying, if your little connection gets you the answers to his tests, you could sell them and become rich."
"I already asked him, he said no," you say darkly, thinking of the nights you’ll have to spend studying to pass his exam. This makes Alva laugh her brilliant laugh, and you can’t help but smile, too.
"Damn," she grins, "I’d try if he wasn’t a guy."
You snort.
"You try with Professor Carter, I need the answers to Computational," you suggest, wiggling your eyebrows suggestively.
"You’re joking, but I bet once you get her out of her frumpy cardigans, she’s a real–"
"Okay, stop," you grown, the image of Professor Carter taking off her cardigans worse than her keeping them on – if possible. Alva giggles.
"I’ll help you with Computational," she says, "if you help me with Quantum Mechanics."
"You’re good at both," you argue, and Alva shrugs.
"Not like you, though. I spent like four hours doing Miller’s assignment last night."
You want to tell her you didn’t do it at all, but before you can open your mouth, she spots a friend in the crowd, grabs your arm and drags you over to him.
The three of you sit down together, closer to the front than the week before, which gives you a direct line of sight to Joel’s desk. When he walks in, your stomach jumps – he’s wearing a tie today, a dark burgundy or blue, you aren’t sure from this distance, flecked with specks of white. Again, his hair is styled in that carelessly disheveled look you like so much, and the image of him putting gel in it makes you smile. He gets out his materials for the lecture, and looks up, his eyes finding yours – you smile and he gives a small nod. Again you’re struck by how different he acts in front of the class, how serious he seems. You think of his laid back manner when you had coffee, and struggle to make the images align. Joel clears his throat, and the chatter around you stops.
"Quiet, please, everyone. Thank you. So, last week, we found out that Dirac’s equation predicts the existence of antiparticles. But instead of just accepting that, let’s think deeper—mathematically, what feature of the equation forces this conclusion?"
Joel jumps right into the lecture, and just like last week, nobody raises their hands – you curse the people around you for their lethargy, because sure enough, Joel’s eyes land on you. Before you can shake your head to signal to him not to ask you, he calls your name.
"If I remember correctly, you were already familiar with Dirac’s equation last week. What would you say, what does the existence of negative-energy solutions tell us, and why couldn’t we just ignore them?"
You wish you could answer him, know he asked you because he was sure you’d know the answer, perhaps hoped your enthusiasm for the subject would get the rest of the students to participate more, but you didn’t do the assignment, and you’ve already half forgotten his question. You swallow.
"Um…I…I’m not sure, Sir," you say, watching the way his brows furrow, and looking down at your notes. Alva shoots you a curious look, and when she sees your expression, she raises her hand. You’re thankful to have Joel’s attention diverted, feeling like a fool in front of hundreds of students you’re trying to make friends with.
"Dirac’s equation gives positive and negative energy solutions, and at first, the negative ones didn’t make sense. Dirac suggested they represent antiparticles, like the positron, which he predicted. The idea was that electrons could, like, jump into these negative-energy states, creating a hole that looks like a positron, which was later confirmed experimentally," Alva explains instead of you.
"You're close, but electrons don’t actually 'jump into' negative-energy states. Instead, Dirac proposed that these states are already filled, forming what he called the Dirac Sea. A positron isn’t an electron jumping down, it’s actually a 'hole' left when a negative-energy electron gets excited to a positive-energy state. That distinction is important because it explains why positrons have the opposite charge. Good answer, though, thank you Ms. Bennet."
Joel’s eyes flicker over to you again, but you show no reaction, and he continues with his lecture without asking you another question. Alva glances at you inquiringly, and you sigh.
"I wanted to do the assignment yesterday, but my cramps were really bad," you explain quietly, and she nods sympathetically.
"Call me next time, I’ll send you my answers," she whispers, and you smile gratefully. It seems you really hit the jackpot in friendship when you sat down next to Alva.
***
After Joel’s lecture, you and Alva make your way over to the vending machine, because it has the sour patches she likes, and in her own words she’ll combust if she doesn’t eat some right fucking now.
"Shit," she curses, "they’re stuck."
"Let me," a voice comes from a behind you, and when you turn around, Joel is smiling at the two of you. "Took me a while to figure this thing out, too."
Alva steps aside, and Joel bangs his palm against the side of machine. You jump, but the sour patches make their tumbling way down to the dispenser.
"Great! Thanks, Professor Miller," Alva says, ripping the bag open and offering it to the two of you. To your surprise, Joel takes her up on it, and Alva grins at you.
"You were quiet during today’s lecture," Joel says tentatively, when he’s swallowed his sour patch "everything alright?"
You glance at your shoes.
"Um, yeah. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday, and I left your assignment for last, so…I didn’t do it."
Joel’s expression grows worried, and Alva glances between the two of you.
"Hey, I’m meeting Max for coffee," she tells you, "see you later?"
"Yeah," you answer, grateful she’s granting you this time alone with Joel, "see you, Alva."
When she’s gone, Joel is still looking at you with that worried look on his face, and you sigh.
"Sorry about the assignment," you say, "won’t happen again."
"I’m not worried about the assignment," Joel says earnestly, but then he turns his head, and you know he doesn’t want someone listening in. Sure, you can be seen chatting in the university cafe, but this conversation is rapidly blurring the lines between scholarly and – something else.
"I…have some materials in my office that might make it easier for you to catch up with the lectures again," Joel tells you, and you understand the underlying meaning. Let’s talk in my office.
"Thank you," you say, relieved, and Joel nods, eyes still glued to yours, brows still furrowed. You walk to his office making smalltalk about the lecture, which to anyone listening in would seem like a normal conversation between a professor and an interested student.
Joel opens the door to his office for you, and lets you step in first. It’s small, cramped bookshelves on the walls and a sturdy desk in the middle that is littered with notes, pencils, books, and a couple of old coffee mugs. You notice he put part of his books sideways onto the shelves, which you find weirdly endearing. This is the Joel you know – clutter and warmth.
He closes the door behind you, and you turn around to watch him drop his bag and walk over to the kettle in the corner of the room.
"Coffee?"
"Please," you sigh, "if you don’t have anything stronger."
He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t answer, just turns on the already filled kettle, and gets two clean cups for the two of you.
"I only have drip coffee," he tells you, "I don’t drink that crap the machines brew up."
"That’s fine, I enjoy the medieval feel of it."
"Watch it," he answers, a smile tugging on his lips, "don’t insult my coffee filter in front of me."
You grin, and walk over to his bookshelf to have a look.
"So, what’s going on?" he asks you while pouring the boiling hot water over the coffee grounds. Again, the Joel you remember – empathetic, but unusually direct. You sigh, turn around and shrug.
"Mom and Dad called yesterday, and I could tell they missed me, but I just…I cut them off after two minutes."
Joel places the cups on his desk, and leans against it. His sleeves are rolled up again, and when he crosses his arms, you feel that familiar pang in your stomach.
"And now I…I don’t know, I feel so guilty, Joel. They’re not even being dicks about it, but I just know they’d prefer for me to check in with them more…and the worst thing is, I know it’s not a big deal. They’ll get over it, they’ve got a good life without me constantly in it, so I don’t know why my stupid brain can’t just let this go, you know? One I miss you, darling, and I’m reduced to this pathetic mess, instead of just, I don’t know, getting my shit together."
You shake your head and clench your teeth, once again embarrassed to come crying to Joel about your parental issues, but he’s the only one you can tell. Sure, Alva would probably listen, but you don’t feel like explaining your family to a near stranger. Joel just gets it. Joel knows you.
He’s looking at you, arms still crossed, and for a second you worry he might not want to hear about your little breakdown, but then he sighs.
"You have your shit together all of the fuckin’ time, kid, I think that might be the problem," he tells you quietly. "You’ve always been so hard on yourself."
He’s right, once again he sees what you struggle to show the world, and his words make tears spring to your eyes. You will your eyeballs to suck them back in, but of course, Joel sees.
"Hey now," he says, taking a tentative step towards you. One tear drops from the end of your lashes and down your cheek, and the dam is broken again – they come spilling in floods. Joel crosses the room in a second, and there is a slight moment of hesitation between the two of you, before you bury your face in his chest, and let your restraint fall. You cry quietly, feel him wrap his arms around you, as he rocks you back and forth.
"You’re alright," he tells you, "Shhh, it’s okay, you’re alright."
"S-s-sorry about the assignment," you manage, and Joel’s hand starts stroking your back.
"Jesus, kid, stop worryin’ about the fucking assignment," he tells you, voice low and worried. "You don’t gotta be so strict with yourself. You’re doin’ just fine."
He smells so much like home, you think you might never stop crying.
"I don’t know what’s wrong with me," you hiccup, "One week here and I’m a mess already."
You feel Joel rest his chin on your head, and his arms tighten around you.
"There’s nothin’ wrong with you, you hear me? You hold yourself to high standards. Creates pressure, kid."
As always, he’s right of course – you want to excel academically, you don’t want to hurt your parents, you want to stay true to yourself and do what makes you happy, you want to make friends without compromising your grades. It’s impossible.
You breathe in shakily, your eyes closed, face buried in Joel’s chest, and for a second he is all that exists – just Joel, all around you, pulling you to the earth. Slowly, your breathing calms, Joel still rocking you soothingly, holding you close.
"There we go," he mutters, when your chest stops shaking, "that’s good."
When you pull away from him, he puts his hands on your shoulders to really look at you, and although you’re embarrassed by your outburst, you’re glad he doesn’t shy away from you.
"I want you to start being a little more lenient with yourself, alright? You don’t need to worry about an assignment on top of everything."
His hands are rubbing your shoulders, his eyes are kind and warm.
"Maybe not about yours, but I have like five other lectures –"
"Okay, so try to stop worrying about my assignments, just mine. Won’t bite your head off if you don’t do them, and I’ll only ask you questions when you raise your hand, alright? In fact, for the rest of the term, I want you to hand them in late."
Despite yourself, your lips pull up in a small smile.
"That’s silly, Joel," you say softly, but he shakes his head.
"It’s not silly, it’s practice to get you out of your comfort zone."
You consider his words for a moment. You do keep a pretty tight reign on yourself, and just the thought of doing every assignment late makes your skin crawl with anxiety. But when will you get another chance to step out of your comfort zone as safely as now, with Joel? He’s offering you a way to try it without actually risking your grades. And who knows, perhaps it actually will take a little bit of pressure off of you.
"Okay," you answer, staring up at Joel with puffy cheeks and teary eyes. "Alright."
He smiles at you, but he still looks worried and you wish he’d pull you close to him again. It’s such a relief to have this sort of human contact with someone who really knows you.
"Feel better?"
You sigh, and nod.
"It’s just a lot, you know, uni and my parents, and every social interaction feels like such a chore, cause I don’t know people yet. I feel like I’m not even relaxed when I’m asleep."
Joel hesitates for a moment, before he speaks, but when he does, he sounds determined.
"Come over tonight, I’ll make us somethin’ to eat, and you don’t have to worry about talkin’ to anyone. We’ll watch whatever you’d like. You still enjoy those crappy horror movies?"
You smile at the shared memory – Joel letting you use his living room to watch slashers your parents didn’t want you to see. One summer, when the heat was so stifling you barely went outside, you practically lived at his place, and when you’d seen all the DVDs he owned, he got you more from the video store.
"I do," you say quietly, the fact that Joel remembers more important to you than his proposal to spend the evening together. You feel significantly less alone, all of a sudden.
"Alright, then. Be over at seven,“ Joel tells you, and you nod, wiping your wet face with the back of your hand.
"Thank you, Joel," you say, and hug him again, because you don’t know how to tell him in words what you’re feeling, and his big, warm body against yours feels more than soothing.
"Course, kid. Just don’t tell Alva, or they’ll fire me."
You smile, your arms still wrapped around his neck, as he holds you.
"But I don’t wanna get you in trouble, what if–"
"No," Joel interrupts you, "no what ifs. No worryin’. I forbid it."
And you accept it, leave it to Joel, because he tells you to – because you don’t have any room in your head for more worries, and because you trust Joel not to do anything reckless. You trust him, period.
***
You text Alva you’re having dinner alone, that your cramps are still acting up, and you do feel slightly bad for lying, but you would never risk Joel’s job. The idea of having dinner with him at his place should make you nervous after your change in feelings about him, but you’re just looking forward to having a meal with someone who knows you, and lets you be yourself.
Joel asked you to be there at seven, so you spend the rest of the afternoon in your dorm room, wondering if you should change your outfit or if it would seem desperate – in the end, you keep the jeans but change into a blouse instead of a sweater. The part of you that stares at Joel’s forearms during class now wants to look pretty for him, so that he’ll ask you over again. You know you’re being ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop you from putting on your nicest perfume.
You’re ten minutes early, so you sit in your little second hand car and try not to panic. You know Joel is merely trying to be a good…friend? Ex-neighbor, Dad’s best friend turned professor? There’s no real etiquette to cling to in this situation, for either of you, and although you’re positive Joel doesn’t have any ulterior motives with you despite his flirting, you know he could lose his job if someone finds out you went to his house. Even if you just watch slashers together the way you did ten years ago. It makes you anxious to know he’d risk something clearly important to him for just that – he moved to a different state, quit his old job, started over completely, and is now willing to endanger that new life just because you’re stressed. At the same time it seems ridiculous anyone could forbid the two of you to spend time together after having known each other your entire life. The thought is absurd, and still, you need to be careful.
You get out of the car before you start to hyperventilate, and ring Joel’s doorbell – it feels strange for him to live in a new house. He opens the door with a smile, and absurd relief floods your veins when you realize he’s wearing an old Led Zeppelin shirt and a pair of worn jeans. This is your Joel.
"I come bearing gifts," you announce, stepping into the house.
“Christ, where did you get this?”, Joel asks, taking the six pack of beer from you, so you can take off your jacket. “I didn’t know they sold Shiner Bock outside of Texas, I’ve been survivin’ on Bud”.
“Brought it with me,” you explain, “figured it’d help if I got homesick, you know, in multiple ways.”
You grin, and Joel shakes his head good-naturedly.
“Old enough to drink, well I’ll be damned. I remember when you begged your Dad to let you have a coke and he asked me if I thought the caffeine would stunt your growth.”
“Did it?”
“It might’ve,” Joel says with a chuckle, “but he didn’t let you have it.”
“Well, he isn’t here now, so let’s put those in the fridge.”
“No," Joel mutters, “no, he ain’t.”
While Joel puts the beer away, you take a look around his living room – despite your reservations about the new house, it reminds you of his old place. It’s got the same masculine and warm feel to it, dark wood, books all over the place, no bells and whistles. Joel is a practical man, and it’s charmingly etched into every part of his life – except for his new work-look. The room isn’t as cluttered as you remember Joel’s old house back in Texas, but you assume he hasn’t had time to accumulate clutter yet. No old newspapers are lying around, no birthday cards stacking up. You wonder if he’s lonely here, teaching all by himself, hundreds of miles away from the place he last grew roots in.
“Do you miss home?” you ask him, when he comes back from the kitchen with two bottles of beer in his hands. He looks at ease, much more himself than back at university. His jeans are faded, his shirt a little too big on his already broad frame, and his hair is clean and curly the way you like it – no gel twisting it into all sorts of un-Joel-like styles. Warmth floods your chest at the sight of him taking a swig of his beer. His crowfeet are a little more pronounced, and his hair has more grey strands than it did back home, but he’s still got that distinctly warm, no-nonsense feel to him.
“Sometimes,” he answers, offering you the second bottle. Your hand brushes his when you take it from him. “But I’m pretty busy here, you know, got a whole lotta lectures to plan, papers to grade and that sort of stuff.”
You nod, and sip at your beer.
“Have you…you know, met people? Made friends here?”
Joel plops down on the couch, and smiles up at you.
“You worried about my social life?”
You shrug, and smile almost timidly.
“You know me, kid, I like bein’ by myself.”
That’s true, for as long as you’ve known Joel, he’s been alone. You know he has nieces and nephews who adore him, and your Dad mentioned a woman once, but it must have been at least twenty years since they were together. You wonder why Joel doesn’t seem to want that sort of a domestic life, surely many women would be happy to let him put a ring on them.
You walk over to the window, and watch a blackbird tug at a writhing worm.
“Have you met someone at uni you wanna be by yourself with?” you ask with a small grin, turning back to find Joel already watching you. “I heard Professor Carter’s still single.”
“She’s very intelligent,” Joel says earnestly. You give him credit for not laughing about his colleague, and suddenly you feel bad for calling her frumpy with Alva. “But I think I’ll leave her to her simulations. Why am I bein’ interrogated?”
“Sorry,” you mumble, and glance out of the window again, “just making conversation.”
“Your turn, then,” Joel answers, and takes another swig of beer. “Any frat boys catch your eye? Or frat girls?”
You glance at him, a smile on your lips, and raise your eyebrows.
“Hey, I don’t discriminate. I thought, maybe Alva…”
“No,” you answer, feeling fond of him for considering the possibility. “Alva’s a friend. The guys are…well, they’re frat boys.”
Your voice carries enough disgust for Joel to laugh.
“Right,” he says, and his eyes are warm when they meet yours again. “Just us two loners, then."
“Cheers,” you say with a smile.
“Cheers.”
***
Joel’s cooking is a mystery to you – he loves to eat, and when he does cook, it’s always delicious, but he only ever makes one of five dishes. Again, that practicality shining through. Why try something new if you’ve perfected your routine? He made pasta for you, wasn’t sure if you’re still vegetarian and makin’ your Dad’s hair fall out, and you smile into the neck of your beer bottle, when you watch him drizzle dressing onto a carefully arranged side-salad. Throughout dinner, you tell him how much you love it at least five times, because you can tell he put effort into the meal. You know it’s not technically a date, but having a dinner he made just for you, in his home – it feels like one.
You steer the conversation away from heavy topics like your parents. Although Joel offered you this evening to make you feel better, you want to spend it with him rather than in your head, so you ask him about books and music, about his lectures, about Tommy and the kids. You like watching how his face lights up whenever he talks about something he particularly loves. Joel is a quiet man, but you found out years ago it isn’t shyness, but a disinterest in most mundane topics – he doesn’t like gossip or superficial small talk. When he tells you Tommy made him godfather of all of his children, the pride is evident in his voice, and you don’t have to fake your enthusiasm, although it amuses you, too – Tommy loving his big brother enough not to consider anyone else.
"She calls me uncle Joe," he tells you with a chuckle, "Can’t pronounce her Ls yet, but I’ve considered legally changing my name."
When you’re done eating, you help him clear the table, but when you reach for the sponge to do the dishes, Joel shakes his head.
"Let me do that later, kid. You wanna watch a movie?"
So the two of you plop down on the couch with a bag of M&Ms and another round of beer, and Joel hands you the remote.
"Go wild," he says, chuckling when you excitedly turn on he TV to open Netflix.
"Wow, a streaming service? I thought you’d just hoard DVDs for the rest of your life."
Joel huffs, and instead of answering, he leans forward, and reaches for something under his couch table. When he turns his head, he’s got glasses on his face, thick-rimmed and black, and so startlingly sexy, you almost drop the remote.
"You…you’ve got glasses?"
"Yeah," he answers, his eyes meeting yours, and you swallow. "When your eyesight deteriorates, that’s when you know you’re gettin’ old."
You hum but don’t answer, just hold his gaze for a second and look back to the screen. You try to ignore the familiar pang in your stomach at the sight of Joel in his new glasses, and skip through movie after movie, mumbling seen it, seen it, that one sucks, seen it, until Joel reaches over and snatches the remote from you.
"Hey–"
"I can’t read anything if you skip through them that quickly."
"You’re not supposed to read, you’re supposed to go with the vibe of the cover."
He glances at you with furrowed brows.
"Okay, sorry, didn’t know you’re a filmbro," you grumble, but it’s almost entirely fake – you couldn’t be annoyed with him, not when he pushes his glasses up his nose, and carefully considers which button to press on the remote.
"I don’t know what that means," he answers, and starts reading the description of a romantic comedy about Christmas.
"I’m not watching that."
"You don’t even know what it’s about."
"It’s September, Joel."
He huffs again, but finally reaches the horror movies. Surprisingly, it doesn’t take the two of you long to pick one, and the thought of two hours of brainless, scary entertainment on a couch with Joel makes you practically melt into his couch.
You can feel Joel’s eyes on you during the opening credits, so you glance over and he smiles.
"Comfy?" he asks, his voice hoarse from relaxation.
"Yeah," you answer, and smile when hands you a blanket. He’s not exactly close to you, but it still feels a little intimate when you spread the blanket out and offer him the other end. He moves over a little, so that the blanket covers his legs, and when you concentrate you can feel his body heat next to you, so you try hard not to – and instead get lost in the movie.
It’s not particularly good, but the story does get under your skin a little, and when there’s an unexpected shriek, you violently jump and instinctively move closer to Joel. He chuckles, but doesn’t give any reaction to your arm suddenly pressing against his. He doesn’t move away, either, so you don’t, fear suddenly not being the only thing bubbling up in your stomach.
"Jesus," you mumble, the creeping music making you anticipate another jumpscare. You’re right, it does come, but prepared though you are, you still wince, and turn away from the screen slightly. Out of sight, out of mind. Joel turns around, too, and when he sees your widened eyes, he grins.
"How’s that Christmas movie lookin’ now?"
"I’m not scared," you say, and there is some truth to it, "I’m just not good with jumpscares."
When the next one comes, you can’t help it, you clutch his arm next to you, your nails digging into his firm muscle, and Joel glances at you again.
"Sorry," you say quickly, letting go of his forearm now marked with five tiny crescent shapes. "Jesus, Joel, sorry."
"It’s fine," he says, and the amusement is evident in his voice, "you sure you’re into this? There might be some cartoons–"
He stops talking when you glare at him, but his mouth is twitching under his beard. You’re determined to watch the entire movie, and you try not to let any reaction show, wanting to prove Joel wrong.
There is one particularly scary scene – it’s not necessarily violent, but the music and shaky camera movements make your pulse race, and you turn your head slightly, so as to look at something else. Joel glances at you again, but he doesn’t laugh this time, just puts a heavy hand on your shoulder. It’s grounding, the warmth of it, how his thumb digs into your muscle and his fingers spread out over your back and neck.
"You don’t gotta force yourself to watch this, kid," Joel says gently, all teasing humor gone.
"No," you say stubbornly, but move even closer to him. His touch is a welcome distraction from the movie, and although you know it’s stupid and reckless, you lean into him, and Joel puts his arm around you. It’s closer than you’ve been to him except for hugging, and your heartbeat starts to quicken for all the wrong, non-horror reasons. When you flinch, Joel tugs you against his side, and it feels natural to hide your face in his shoulder.
He was never touchy with you, or anyone for that matter, so something must have changed. You wonder if he’s trying to comfort you, or if you might not be the only one who can feel that strange pull between the two of you.
When the movie ends, Joel regrettably removes his arm from around your shoulders to switch off the TV, and although you’re slightly disappointed, you scold yourself for expecting something else.
"Not bad," Joel says with a small smile, and pushes his glasses up his nose. "Very brave."
You scoff, but feel the corners of your mouth twitching, too.
"I used to be less of a wimp, but I guess you soften with age."
"You’re twenty-three," Joel argues, "that’s young."
Yeah, too young. Too young to lean over and kiss him, or climb into his lap, or expect anything other than paternal care when he’s got his arm around you. You look at your lap, all of a sudden feeling stupid and silly for having dreamed up an absurd fantasy about the man in front of you.
"Hey," Joel says gently, "what’s wrong?"
"Nothing," you say quickly, "nothing, I had a really great evening. Thanks, Joel."
You can tell you’ve confused him, but he nods, doesn’t question your sudden change of mood, and stands when you get up from the couch.
"Anytime, kid. You call me if you’re havin’ a bad time, alright? My door’s always open."
He’s so kind, so recklessly, stupidly, lovingly kind, and all of it is directed at you. You curse yourself for it, but again you feel that familiar burn in your eyes. Joel reaches out and easily pulls you towards his big body, hugging you the way he did in his office just this afternoon. He doesn’t ask you what brought on your tears, just lets you cry into his Led Zeppelin shirt that smells so much like home, like a childhood you won’t get back to. You remember whiffs of that smell when you were watching movies on his couch while he was at work, too pissed off at your parents to spend the summer at home. This scent was there when you attended a neighborhood barbecue after fighting with your father and Joel grilled some vegan sausages for you without comment or question. He’s always looked out for you like this, quietly, without demanding an explanation, just a solid, comforting presence in your life.
Your tears stop after a couple of minutes, and you take a step away from Joel, wiping your face. He looks so worried again, brows all furrowed and arms hanging limply at his side. Didn’t he flirt with you, though? Didn’t he prepare dinner for you the way a date would, ask you about your dating life, ask you to coffee? You don’t think you would be able to handle another evening like this one not knowing what Joel really thinks, so in a moment of hazy recklessness, you lean up.
His eyes meet yours, all warm and strangely unguarded, but before your lips brush his, a hand on your shoulder stops you. Without saying something, you move away from him, and nod to yourself, his reaction all the information you needed.
"Sorry," you say very quietly, not managing much else now that you’ve humiliated yourself in front of the only person you really know in a six hundred mile radius. Joel runs a hand through his soft hair, and inhales deeply.
"No," he says, his voice a little strained, "no, don’t be. I just…Jesus, kid."
He rubs his palm over his beard in such a familiar way, your chest aches a little. It’s ridiculous how much you want to touch his face, to feel him again, skin on skin. So you don’t turn and run the way your embarrassed heart is telling you to, just watch him collect his thoughts, standing in front of him like a wet and beaten dog.
"Look," he begins, "I won’t say I’m not flattered, but that’s…it’s a bad fuckin’ idea. It’s…it’s chaos, and on top of that most people would argue it’s wrong."
You swallow. You know all of this, have turned it over in your head ever since you stared at Joel’s rolled up sleeves for two hours on that first Monday, but hearing him say it makes your stomach churn.
"Yeah," you mutter, and trace Joel’s shadow with the very tip of your foot, "yeah, of course. Sorry I put you in that position, wasn’t right."
Your face still feels puffy, and you know you’re probably all red and pathetic looking, begging Joel for scraps of his attention, but all of a sudden, he lifts his hand up to your face, and cups it in his broad palm. His thumb strokes your cheek, and when you meet his eye, the expression on his face is tender.
"It’s alright," he tells you softly, "I can see you worryin’ at the speed of light in that pretty head of yours."
Something in your chest flutters at his words, at the rough and warm cadence of his voice. He reads you so easily, one turn of your head and he knows you’re lost to your thoughts.
"I shouldn’t have let myself toy with this idea," he continues, and your stomach flips. "I should’ve realized you’d pick up on it. It’s on me, alright? It’s on me not to start anythin’."
You can hear the implication – I’m the adult here. It’s not what you want to hear, but just the mention of Joel toying with this idea, as he put it, is enough to lift your spirits. So you weren’t crazy.
"I’m an adult," you say weakly, never having felt more like a child. Joel nods.
"You are, but I’m still in a position of power here. Be wrong, to abuse that."
His thumb is still moving over your cheek slowly, making it hard to think straight.
"So dinner and a movie doesn’t abuse it?"
You don’t want to argue, you don’t know why you keep disagreeing with him, and the way his face falls, you wish you hadn’t said it.
"No, it…it does, you’re right. Jesus, of course it does. I don’t blame ya for bein’ ang-"
"I’m not angry," you say softly, and tentatively turn your head in Joel’s hand. You press a kiss to his palm, his warm skin pressed right against your mouth. "I’m not your student, Joel. I mean, of course I am, but I know you. It’s different."
Joel’s eyes are glued to your face, and he looks so conflicted you wish he’d just throw you out of his house, if only to solve his dilemma.
"It’s still wrong," Joel mutters, his eyes glued to your lips since they brushed his skin "even if you take away the fact that I’m your fuckin’ professor. Your Dad…"
"My Dad is half a continent away and finds a way to be unhappy with whatever choices I make, so I might as well make the ones I want to."
The very first day, before you even met Joel, you decided to do what makes you happy while in university, and although this certainly wasn’t what you had in mind, you know it’s what you want. The only thing you want, in fact.
Joel sighs, and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.
"Joel, I’m not trying to…look, if I’m wrong about this, just tell me, but I feel…I just wanna be close to you all of the fucking time," you say quietly, "and it’s okay if you don’t, really. I just…I want you to know it’s not nothing to me."
Saying I don’t just want to hook up with you would feel too straight forward or crass, but you think Joel gets the gist of what you’re trying to say, and he closes his eyes briefly. You study his face behind his glasses, the wrinkles and freckles from years in the sun. You do feel anxious about his answer, but whatever it is, you’re glad you told him. It’s out in the world now, the way you feel when he holds you, and he can do with it what he pleases – you’ve handed him the reigns.
"I…I know what you mean. Me too," he says very quietly after a beat, his eyes open and looking directly into yours again.
A triumphant pang of affection pulses through you, and you put your hand over Joel’s, which is still resting on your cheek. He looks conflicted, but his other hand holds your waist now, and tugs your smaller body closer to his again. He’s solid as a brick wall in front of you, and you figure you’re allowed to touch, so you rest your hand on his shoulder.
"What am I gonna do with you?" Joel mutters, and strokes your lower lip with his thumb. If you had more guts, you’d let it slip into your mouth, but you’re still afraid he’ll pull back if you make a wrong move, so you just let him caress your mouth tenderly.
"Whatever you’d like," you answer just as quietly, and you know it sounds sexual, but you mean it in every way – if Joel wants to be nothing but your professor, you’d take it, and if he wants to keep you here in his house indefinitely, you’d let him. Joel keeps looking at you, taking you in as if he’s considering whether the risks outweigh whatever magnetic or gravitational pull the two of you have between you.
"Stay," he say after a while, and although his face looks slightly regretful, his voice is determined, "just…sleep here tonight. I like havin’ you here."
You want him to kiss you, to pull you onto his lap on the couch, to take you upstairs right now, but Joel seems to be restraining himself, so you just nod.
"Me too," you whisper, echoing his words back to him, and for just a second, his thumb digs into your lip a little harder, but then he pulls away.
"Testin’ my goddamn restraint," he mutters, and takes a step away from you. "I’ll get you something to sleep in."
***
Joel gets you one of his band tees you love so dearly, and just the idea of being enveloped by something that smells like him all night makes it a little easier when Joel tells you he’ll take the couch instead of inviting you to sleep with him in his bed.
"No," you say softly, "it’s fine, you just sleep in your bed, Joel. I’ll take the couch."
He looks critical, so you offer him a soft smile.
"I don’t know if your back could take it," you tease, and he seems torn up between laughing and frowning. In the end, he just shakes his head, mutters something that sounds a lot like bad fuckin’ idea, and gets you a blanket and pillow.
He brings you a clean toothbrush and towel, let’s you use his bathroom (you look at the shower the entire time you’re brushing your teeth, trying hard not to think about what Joel looks like using it in the mornings), and when you’re done changing, you unlock the door again.
He’s there, sitting on the edge of his bed, his eyes trailing over your form in his much too big shirt. It’s long as a dress on you, coming down to your naked thighs. Joel visibly swallows and gets up from the bed.
"You got everythin’ you need?"
"Yes. Thank you, Joel."
There’s a beat of silence and you almost think Joel’s about to cross the room, but he just runs his palm over his beard the way he always does, and nods.
"Alright. Just shout if there’s…well, you know. I’ll be here."
"I will."
"Alright. Okay…goodnight, kid."
"Night," you almost whisper, voice soft, and right before you reach the door, Joel clears his throat.
"I…you were right about dinner and the movie. I wasn’t just tryin’ to be friendly," he says quietly, and your stomach swirls. Before you can walk over to Joel and do something about it, he sighs.
"Sleep tight, sweetheart."
Sweetheart.
***
You wake to the sound of something dripping, and when your eyes flutter open, you can see Joel’s back from the kitchen. He’s wearing his work outfit again, a white button down and dark pants, sleeves rolled up. It smells like coffee, and with a smile you realize he must be brewing his beloved coffee – no machine, just a filter. He looks broad, even from your spot on the couch, and you enjoy peeking in on him. You study his movements, the way he reaches for a cup, how his fingers absentmindedly drum on the kitchen counter while he waits.
When he turns around, his eyes find yours, and he smiles.
"Mornin’. Did I wake ya?"
"’S fine," you yawn, pulling the blanket up to your chin, not yet ready to get up. "I have classes at ten anyway."
"’S eight," Joel tells you, "Coffee?"
"Yes please," you answer, and stretch your limbs under the blanket.
Joel brings you a cup, complete with a little bit of milk and sugar, and you move your feet so he can sit down on the couch.
"Sleep well?"
You sip your coffee, let it burn your tongue and close your eyes at the taste. When you open them, Joel’s gaze lingers on your face.
"Yeah," you answer, "thank you for…you know."
He nods, takes a sip of his coffee, and looks at his lap. He looks like he wants to say something, but he’s very quiet, and you feel anxiety bubbling up in your stomach.
"Joel, do you want me to leave? It’s fine if you do," you ask him softly, not wanting to make things awkward for him. It would be rational of him to ask you to leave, the smart and ethical thing to do.
"No," he answers quietly, still not looking at you, "I want you to stay."
Stay? On a Tuesday morning, after you almost kissed him and he told you he couldn’t do that, after you spent the night on his couch? When you have classes in two hours, haven’t showered yet, are half naked and wearing his clothes, on his couch under his blanket? When you’ve got friends wondering where you are and probably ten unanswered messages from Alva?
"Alright," you say, agreeing as easy as breathing.
Finally, he looks up, and his expression is so conflicted you reach out for him. Your hand finds his and you squeeze it. He keeps looking at you, his hand limp in your grasp, as if any movement of his muscles would incriminate him.
"You shouldn’t," he tells you earnestly. "Stay, I mean. You shouldn’t stay."
"I know."
You don’t let go of his hand. He doesn’t move his away.
"It’s a really, really bad idea," he adds, and you’re not sure who he is trying to talk out of whatever this is. "It’s risky. Could blow up both our lives."
"Yeah," you say, and watch him sip his coffee, "okay."
Then, a tentative flex of his fingers against yours, and finally, he’s squeezing your hand just as tightly, and before you can process what that means, Joel is leaning over you, dangerously close. Your breathing quickens, you register how soft his hair looks, how strong his hand is. He leans in further and you sit up a little, still cocooned in his blanket. His face is close to yours, his eyes fiery with something you can’t pinpoint, and you sigh, when he closes the gap between you.
He tastes of coffee and toothpaste, and you wish you’d gotten the chance to shower, but the thought disappears almost immediately when you hear Joel groan. His kisses you languidly, deeply, and your fingers come up to his beautiful arm, barely wrapping around half of his biceps. He cradles the side of your face, pulls you closer, makes your stomach clench with need. It feels inevitable, the way he touches you, like you only exist in a physical form to be touched by him.
His free hand peels the blanket off your body, lets it slide to the floor without ever stopping his the kiss, and you moan softly, when his hand touches your waist. The sound makes him break away, stare down at you, pupils blown wide.
"Fuck, you look good in my clothes," he mutters, nudging your jaw with his nose, and pressing a kiss there. "You should really, really go home."
Your head falls back slightly to give him better access to your neck, and he brushes his lips over your pulse point. Your heart skips a beat.
"I – I know," you breathe, fingers digging into his arm. His beard scratches your skin deliciously, and it takes everything in you not to whimper or beg. Joel’s hand slips under your shirt – his shirt – and instead of finding your waist again, he digs his thumb into your hip, stroking the fabric of your cotton panties. The fire in your stomach burns brighter, and you almost buck up into him. Joel Miller, the Joel Miller who until recently had a key to your childhood home, who lent it to you whenever you forgot yours inside – he’s sucking bruises into your skin, and toying with your panties. It’s dizzying, his familiar voice when he hums in satisfaction, even rougher than usually.
His fingers trace the waistband of your panties towards the front, until they find a small, silky bow, and Joel groans. He doesn’t take your underwear off, doesn’t even touch you where you need him the most, just keeps playing with the little bow, until your hips twitch without your permission. A little lower, and he would be able to feel how wet you are, how wet you have been all night. You didn’t do anything about it, not while you were a guest in his house. It would have felt wrong. You can’t imagine anything feeling more right than Joel’s mouth and hands on you, though.
"Jesus," Joel curses, "I should stop bef–"
"No," you whine, all dignity turned to hot air by Joel’s fingers, "please, Joel, please don’t stop."
He curses again, and moves his big body so that he’s not just hovering above you, but actually on top of you, your thighs falling open for him easily. At the movement, his shirt hikes up your thighs, and you know you’re basically on display for him, your soaked underwear leaving little to the imagination. He’s still fully clothed, his perfect button down all wrinkled now.
"Look at you," Joel breathes, lightheaded with desire, "this all for me?"
So he saw, when you moved to accommodate his broad form, saw how soaked you are, knows you ruined your panties just because he kissed you.
"Yes," you breathe, "yes, please–"
Before you can beg further, his finger presses down on your clit, and he watches your face contort in pleasure, as it shoots up your spine. You whimper, staring into his eyes, and he stares right back, as you start to grind your hips against his palm.
Your head feels blissfully empty, all worries about this relationship, uni, your parents, gone from you with a simple, practiced movement of his hand. The whimpers keep falling from your lips, and Joel curses.
"So beautiful," he mutters, "tell me what you need, angel."
It’s not a question, it’s an order.
"I – fuck, I need you i–inside," you groan, and Joel’s lips find yours again.
"Yeah? Need me to fuck you good, even though they’ll throw us both out?"
It shouldn’t turn you on. You’re jeopardizing both your own and Joel’s career, and he’s turning it into dirty talk. Still, your pussy doesn’t lie, and the way it throbs for him, aching to get him inside, makes all doubts disappear from your mind.
"Yes," you answer, unable to say much more as Joel keeps drawing tight circles into your clit.
Your hands drift from his arms towards his front, and Joel curses, when you paw at his belt buckle. It takes you a second, but then it’s open, the sound of the metal exciting you – it sounds like a promise.
Joel finally tugs your panties down, and for a second you’re self–conscious about not being clean shaven, but the second he sees you bare and glistening for him, his fingers dip into your folds, gathering your wetness with no hesitation.
"Fuck me," he groans, bringing his hand up to his face and tasting you, holding eye–contact the entire time, "prettiest pussy I’ve seen in my life."
You twitch under him, dragging your gaze away from his eyes and to his fingers. A moan escapes you, your hands have gone slack on his waistband, and Joel smiles down at you. Then, he does the same motion again, drags the tips of his thick fingers through your sticky arousal, but instead of sucking them clean himself, he holds them up to your mouth. His eyes burn, when you wrap your lips around them without a moments hesitation, and he feeds you your own slick.
"Taste so sweet, huh?"
You don’t answer, just swirl your tongue around his fingers, and suck on them. Joel watches your mouth intently, lets you take your time.
"Good girl," he praises you, and you clench around nothing, "so fuckin’ needy for me."
He drags his fingers from your mouth, and finally pushes into you, the stretch much tighter than with two of your own. Your head falls backwards, and Joel curls his fingers.
"No, baby, look down here," he orders, and immediately you lift your head again, and watch him pump two thick digits in and out of you. It’s dizzying to think it’s the same hand that waved to you from over his fence for years and years. You feel a coil building in your stomach, and you moan.
"Fuck, Joel," you moan, his name leaving a delicious aftertaste in your mouth. His beautiful forearm flexes with every movement, your slick is dripping down his fingers, and those damn sleeves are still perfectly rolled up.
With a few more curls of his fingers, you gush around him, barely having time to warn him, and he praises you, calls you his good girl, drags his fingers against that spongey spot inside of you until you see stars.
When he slips his fingers out of you and holds them up to your face again, you clean them up with your mouth as Joel watches with bright eyes. To think that he’s the same man who taught you Dirac not twenty-four hours ago – already, you want him inside again. When you’re done, he fumbles with his own clothes, and you watch him this time instead of helping.
"You look so good like this," you mumble, eyes raking over his broad form, "Professor."
His eyes snap up to yours, and you grin.
"Fuckin’ Christ, kid," he mutters, popping open the buttons on his shirt, "you can’t say shit like that."
"You don’t like it? You know, I watched you during your lectures and dreamed about…well, about this."
His expression is unreadable, but if you’re not mistaken, his hands move even faster now, and then he shrugs out of his shirt. You almost moan at the sight of his naked torso, so broad and solid.
"You need to pay attention in class," Joel answers, as he opens his pants. Your breathing grows a little shallow when he reveals his boxers underneath, his bulge huge.
"Can’t," you mumble, "not with you looking like this."
He chuckles at that, at the honesty and need in your answer.
"Don’t worry," he says softly, "I’ll fuck it outta you. Won’t be needing’ me in class, not if I’m still leakin’ out of you."
Your lips part, your pussy clenches – a smile tugs on the corners of Joel’s mouth at your reaction. He drags down his boxer shorts, and your eyes snap towards his cock, so thick and dripping in precum. You whimper, you can’t help it, and Joel’s smile widens.
"We’ll make it fit, baby," he says, reading your mind, and then bends down and kisses you again. You try to tug your shirt upwards, but Joel’s hands find your wrists and he holds them tight.
"No, want to fuck you in it," he breathes against your lips, and you press your hips upwards until he groans. He pumps his fist over his cock a couple of times, and aligns it with your entrance.
"Deep breath, baby," he mutters, and you obey, staring up at him as he starts pressing into you. It’s tight, much tighter than his two fingers, and your eyes glass over with pain, but Joel goes slow. His hand strokes your tummy, helps you relax, while he pushes on consistently. You feel like he’s punching the air from your lungs, eyes wide with the stretch of him, as he nips at your jaw and neck to distract you.
"Know it’s a lot, but you can take it, angel."
"Y-yes," you moan, and screw your eyes shut, "please don’t stop, Joel."
Joel’s breathing is ragged with restraint, and suddenly his hips snap forwards – and he’s fully buried inside of your tight body, nestled right against your cervix.
"Back to Joel, are we?" he teases, and gives you a couple of seconds to get used to him. You whimper and claw at his arm.
"I – ah – I’ll call you Professor Miller ’f you want," you slur, as he starts dragging his cock out of you again. You tremble under him, the feeling almost more intense than when he pushed inside of you.
"Yeah? That get you off? Or – fuck– is it the fact that I’m friends with your parents?"
It really, really should be a turn off, to be talking about your parents right now, but the way Joel says it, the way he points out just how debauched it is what you’re doing – you can’t help but moan. You blush, too, can feel the heat in your face, but you’re tired of being ashamed of wanting him the way you do.
"Both," you answer, and this time Joel groans, his hips snapping into you at a rougher pace. The head of his cock hits your spot every time, and you let out little sounds of pleasure with every drag of his cock, unable to form a coherent sentence. Joel’s hand finds your clit again, rubbing circles as his other one pressing down on your stomach.
"Feel that?" he asks you, and you do, you feel him all up in your guts, "you take it so well baby, take all ’f me."
"Yes," you answer, eyes glassy with pleasure, "want all of you, Joel."
He bites your shoulder, keeps rutting into you, and soon you feel another orgasm building.
"Close – ah – so close," you whimper, and Joel speeds up his thrusts just slightly. You clench around him, right on the edge.
"Come for me, angel, give it to me."
You do, your hips bucking, back arching.
"Ah – fuck, Joel, Prof–"
"Say it," Joel orders, fucking you through the waves of pleasure.
"Professor."
He comes, too, twitching deep inside of you and spilling rope after rope of come. It feels right, like you’re his. His groan is rough, his thrusts sloppy, and you feel your pussy spasm around him in a third, weaker orgasm, or maybe it’s just aftershocks from your second. You’re limp underneath him, letting him use your body how he needs to.
"Fuck," he curses, "did so good for me."
He slips out of you, and you can feel his spend drip out of you. You’re weak, soft like jelly, sweaty and entirely satisfied.
"Jesus," you breathe, when he falls down next to you, his couch mercifully being big enough.
"Yeah," he answers, "Jesus."
***
Turns out, Joel Miller is a dirty talking bastard during sex, and a big softie afterwards. He makes you tea, strokes your hair while you sip it, then carries you up to his shower and gently washes your body his his sponge. Throughout, he’s quiet, and you wonder if it was too much, the mention of him being your professor, of your parents, but you’re too afraid to ask. He brushes your forehead with his lips when he dries you off, and pulls another of his shirts over you head. Your panties are entirely ruined, it’s all you’re wearing.
When you’re clean again, and relaxed, Joel pulls you onto his bed, wrapping you up in his arms.
"Did you…was that too much?" he asks you softly fingertips tracing over your thigh lazily.
"It was just right," you answer quietly, and he hums.
"You didn’t feel like you…I mean when you called me Professor, you wanted to do that, right?"
You look up at him, and press a soft kiss against his jaw.
"Of course, Joel. Wanted everything we did, I promise."
He nods, but you can tell there’s still something bothering him.
"You know that’s not what you are to me, though, right?" Your voice is soft. "You’re just Joel."
He brushes the top of your head with his lips.
"I mean it," you press on when he doesn’t answer, "it’s like a costume, Joel. I know it’s your job, but it’s…I don’t think of you as like, an authority figure or something. I just thought you looked hot in that slutty shirt."
"Slutty–?" he sputters and you laugh.
"Sure, you know, with your sleeves rolled up, and that first button popped open."
"’S not slutty."
"You showed your forearms. Half the lecture hall felt like a victorian man seeing ankles for the first time."
Joel makes an exasperated sound, half amused and half offended.
"I mean it," you say again after beat, humor gone from your tone, "and it’s not just sex to me. You know that."
"Yeah," Joel answers slowly. "’S more to me, too."
It’s a hell of an admission.
"What are we gonna do?", you ask quietly, and Joel sighs.
"You’re gonna go to class," he says, voice dark, "and I’ll try very, very hard not to call your father and tell him I’m fallin’ for his daughter."
You bury your face in his chest. With anyone else, it would be too much, too fast, too intense. But this is Joel. It’s not fast if you’ve known him your whole life, is it? You kiss his chest, and he seems to understand.
"We’ll figure it out," Joel says quietly, pressing a kiss to your hair.
For a second you do want your parents to know, want them to see that someone does treat you like an adult, want to look them in the eye and say I’m with Joel now and there’s nothing you can do about it. I have my own life now and it includes this kind man. It’s childish, you know it is. You lean up, catch Joel’s mouth in a kiss.
"Yeah," you answer, “We’ll figure it out, Professor.”
Johnny thinks it might have begun the night you were slow dancing in his living room, feeling pleasantly fuzzy from the booze and the soft static in the summer air. Wrists draped lazily around his neck, nose pressed against his jugular and your hips so close to his, rotating slowly. With his leg wedged between yours he could feel the gentle pulse throbbing at your apex. Meeting your gaze to find your eyes electrified with desire, he knew then, you would be insatiable.
He soon learns that the most innocent touches always lead to something more. The gentle rake of your nails across his jeans signal a growing need to stroke him under the table. Hand holding in front of the television set is derailed the moment you guide his thumb to your mouth to suck softly, eventually sliding into his lap for a slow fuck. Johnny never protests, giving his baby anything at all.
However, he didn't realize how much of him you truly craved until the night he was thrusting into you, breath hitching as he realized he needed to withdraw.
Legs already wrapped around his torso, you tightened your hold in protest. Nails clawing against his shoulders and heels digging into his lower back, you forced his attention back to you with a desperate whine. "Give me a baby, Johnny," you moaned into his ear.
He studied your pouty lips and dimpled forehead for a moment, the pleading look tugging at his heart.
"Make me yours," you urged, breasts heaving against him.
Brain fogged with pleasure and overcome with the thought of claiming you, he seated himself deeper inside you as you moaned in contentment.
Resuming a more tender pace, his forehead dropped to yours and his eyes slipped closed, allowing himself to imagine his sweet angel swollen with his child.
Already drunk on the feeling of him nudging that sweet spot that made you see stars behind your eyelids, your head lolled to the side, but Johnny brought your face back to his with a firm hand. His voice broke slightly as he asked, "Gonna make me a daddy, hmm?"
"Course" you nodded with tears welling your eyes. "Want everyone to know I'm yours."
That's all it took for him to loose himself, burying his nose into the crook of your neck, he shuddered with his release. Arms wrapping you in a bear hug, he mumbled words of adoration and praise against your skin.
A contented smile graced your lips as he held you in the comforting security of his warmth, unable to recall a time you'd felt so complete.
Summary: When you joined Danny on his trip to Chicago to photograph the Vandals, you expected excitement and a bit of danger as part of the gig. You hadn't planned on falling in love with club president, Johnny Davis.
A/N: I combined requests from @saraliss who wanted a story about meeting Johnny and taking a ride with him and @greenparadiseperry who asked for reader with a secret crush on Johnny.
Warnings: age gap, language, brief mention of assault, angst
"How...how long I been what?" Corky asked over a sharp screeching noise.
"Sorry this shitty microphone. Let me adjust..." Danny mumbled. He tinkered with the settings on the tape recorder, oblivious to Corky's wandering gaze which quickly fell on you.
Perched in a chair opposite the two men, you steadied your camera on one knee as you waited for the right moment to capture a candid shot. One eye poised above the body of the camera, you returned Corky's curious stare, suddenly aware your subject was studying you.
He gave you a flirtatious grin and you took the opportunity to click the shutter, the sudden flash making him blink sharply. As he took a moment to rub his eyes, Zipco wandered toward the table with suspicion in his glaring eyes.
“What's she doin' here?" he ventured, jaw jutting out in obvious disapproval.
“Yeah, she gonna ask us a bunch of questions too?” Cockroach asked, though he seemed more receptive to the idea of a beautiful girl hanging around.
Danny shook his head as offered the Vandals the same reassurance he'd given Johnny when he asked permission to photograph the club. “She’s working on the book with me," he explained, packing up his gear for the day.
You followed his lead, reaching for your bag and nearly dropping it as he added, "Best damn photographer I know." The wave of self consciousness that hit you upon hearing his praise had you turning from the group instantly, a nervous pit in your stomach from the attention.
“Makin’ that pretty girl blush,” Johnny observed from his seat in a darkened corner, a smirk playing on his lips.
Your eyes jumped to his, holding his gaze for a moment before Danny cleared his throat and resumed his proposal about following the club on their next run to Columbus.
However, Johnny was looking past him, thumb and forefinger passing over his bottom lip as his thoughts began to distract from Danny's words.
"You ride, darlin'?" Johnny asked suddenly.
"No," you admitted with a small shake of your head.
"Then how's she gonna come along?" he asked, turning back to Danny in confusion.
"I have a car," you explained.
"Won't see nothin' that way," Johnny mused with a small shake of his head. "No, I think somebody ought to teach you before we head out."
"You?" you blurted, cheeks feeling unusually warm as a nervous giggle passed your lips. It was a regrettable habit that had you covering your mouth the moment you'd spoken. However, Johnny seemed to find the suggestion irresistible.
"If you insist," he grinned proudly, kicking his chair out from under him.
"N-now?" you asked, eyes flicking back and forth between Johnny and the door.
"No better time to learn," he shrugged, tugging his jacket from the back of the chair.
And that's how you found yourself zipping along the highway, fingers laced tightly together over Johnny's abdomen, praying his thick leather jacket would absorb the impact of your heart hammering at his back.
That became the least of your worries as he dipped the bike around a sharp turn, causing you to gasp in his ear. The high pitched sound registered in his ear suggestively as your hands fisted into the soft cotton of his shirt and you felt the unmistakable clench of his stomach in response.
You had to admit that the heat radiating from his core only added to your lightheadedness, a surge of relief washing over you when he called over his shoulder, "We'll pull off here."
He'd taken the hint just in time, guiding the bike off the road and into a small park as you regained your breath. Though exhilarating, the ride had been more exhausting than you realized from the frightful way you'd been clenching your muscles along the drive.
You hadn't realized how tightly you'd been pressed into the bike, thighs slightly sore as you swung a leg down to the ground with Johnny's help. He gave you a wink and a knowing smile as he watched you gingerly pace toward an old oak.
"Wasn't that bad was it?" he asked jokingly, a hint of concern lingering at the edges in case he'd scared you worse than he thought.
"No, I-I liked it," you rushed to tell him, gaze lingering at his dusty gray irises. It shocked you how comfortable you felt around him so quickly, despite the reputation of the Vandals you'd built in your head. You certainly never expected them to be so friendly and welcoming. If you were the one conducting the interviews, you might ask him why, but you decided not to spoil the moment, content to merely observe your subject.
Taking up a seat next to you, Johnny pressed his back against the rough bark and dug into his pocket for his cigarettes. The sharp metallic click of his lighter was the only sound between you, save for the occasional passing car whooshing past, and you both took a moment to savor the breeze rustling the branches above.
Head tilted back, watching the speckled shadows crossing his vision, Johnny exhaled slow, even breaths. The lingering smoke swirled around him, closing him off to you momentarily and shrouding his whole personality in mystery once more.
"I'm going to get my camera," you finally announced, trotting off toward the bike.
"You take any of me, my ugly mug's gonna break it," he chuckled in playful warning, knowing full well you intended on capturing a few portraits. He couldn't say he minded being the sole focus of your attention though. It had been a long time since he'd had anyone look at him like that and mostly resigned himself to the fact that he was getting too old for such things. Hell, ever since Benny came around, he'd taken a permanent table at the back of the bar, knowing all the girls were there to dance and play pool with the blue eyed kid half his age.
Turning his head to watch you, Johnny squinted into the sun to drink you in properly. He hadn't been able to do that on the drive and now he was noticing just how young you were. He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, concentrating on the way your ass wiggled in your jeans, wondering how you'd feel under him. As he sat with a forgotten cigarette burning between his fingertips, he shook the notion from his head, feeling like a dirty old man.
Noting the sour look on his face when you returned, you asked, "You alright?"
He nodded slowly, dropping his head to stamp out the cigarette in the dirt. "Just thinkin."
As you adjusted the aperture on your camera, you couldn't help but wonder what suddenly had him so contemplative. "Penny for your thoughts," you offered with a nudge to his knee.
"Don't know if they're worth that much," he answered, the warmth returning to his deep voice. But Johnny knew exactly what he wanted to ask. It was a question that had lingered in his mind as he drove. If he was honest with himself it had been there since the day she arrived.
"You know, I was wonderin' why you're out here with Danny," he rushed out earnestly, voice a bit more demanding than he intended.
Your head shot up, curious if this were some sort of test. "Um...well...we know each other from school," you began, fidgeting with your camera strap as you explained what you were doing in his territory. "And when he said he was coming out here, I wanted to come too."
Johnny realized his chest was growing tight from the breath he'd been holding before he finally asked, "To be with him?"
"No, it's...it's not like that with me and Danny," you assured him with a giggle. The familiar nervousness crept back in as Johnny seemed to study you even more intently now. "I thought the book sounded interesting and I wanted my photographs to be part of it."
To your relief, his shoulders hunched in relaxation, a lazy grin on his face as he listened to you speak about your passion for documenting the lives of others. The wrinkles near his eyes lent a softness to his rough features which immediately put you at ease. "You don't think the guys mind me being around do you?"
"Nah," he swept your worry away with his large hand before adding a playful jest to hear your adorable laugh again. "'Cept maybe Zipco. Don't listen to him if he calls ya a goddamn pinko," he snickered.
You gasped at his suggestion in mock surprise, then chuckled heartily along with him. All real shock had been removed hearing he'd said the same to Danny so the idea no longer bothered you. "Suppose I've been called worse," you retorted.
Johnny's laugh boomed forth before he sighed contentedly and you took the opportunity to capture a candid shot, shutter clicking several times before setting it aside.
The crisp noise trapped him inside another unwelcome thought. You'd develop that film in your little dark room and scrutinize his every flaw under the harsh judgement of a red light. The wrinkles forming in the creases of his forehead and graying beard indicators of the hard years he'd lived. Would Danny be there at your shoulder pointing out the obvious age gap? Anyone giving you good advice would tell you to stay away from a man twice your age.
That brought him to another realization. "Your folks know you out here doin' this?" he asked, scratching his chin thoughtfully.
You cocked your head at him for a moment, thinking how much he sounded like the old women in your neighborhood back home when you stayed out too late playing in the street. The image made you bite your lip to keep from smirking as you answered, "I'm an adult, Mr. Davis. I don't have to tell them anything."
It was his turn to cock an eyebrow at you then, eyes twinkling. "Adults don't usually call other adults mister," he said wagging his finger at you. "How old are ya anyway?"
You had to laugh at his observation, the formality seeming overly cautious in retrospect. "I'm twenty, Johnny," you told him, voice steady and calm despite the churning you felt in your stomach when you attempted to look him dead in the eye.
He nodded in agreement. "I like the way you say that, darlin'." His smile was so full, teeth glimmering in the afternoon sunshine you couldn't help but reach for your camera once more to capture his expression. Though you couldn't deny the instinct was also born of your own awkward feelings to hide behind something, unsure how to take the nickname that rolled off his tongue like honey.
From then on you were his darlin', someone he protected fiercely on the road and at home. He was the first person to pluck you from a muddy track before a tire could graze your foot or warn you to keep a safe distance before a fight broke out. And though nothing amused you more than watching him turn from rebellious biker to cautious mother hen, you despaired at the notion that he didn't think you could handle yourself.
Of course the truth was much more complex to Johnny who voiced his unrequited feelings through these acts of service. He hoped you would eventually come to understand the hidden meaning, though so far it hadn't been clear.
"Let me go!" was a constant refrain in his ear as you struggled to get closer to the center of the action for your shot and he'd huff in stubborn reply, arm still firmly positioned at your waist.
But there was no one who supported you with greater enthusiasm. If people questioned why you were hanging around with a camera, Johnny had no problem telling them you were the best damn photographer in the country. It was an assertion which always made you blush because you didn't even have a degree yet. However, it was comforting to have someone who believed in you. It wasn't a luxury you were accustomed to, having paid your own way through school when your parents dismissed your dreams.
That's why his sudden absence came as a surprise the night you and Danny were interviewing new members at a house party on the outskirts of town. Despite the swarm of unfamiliar faces causing a commotion in the kitchen, which would usually put him on high alert, Johnny was nowhere to be found. As Kathy attempted to distract you from it all with a beer, Cockroach assured you he would find him, stumbling out the front door toward a fire that had been lit out front.
"Don't need Johnny to do my job," you muttered with a shake of your head. However, she'd already enlisted the help of the guys to keep you close by, no doubt on his orders.
"C'mon, just five minutes," Corky urged you, taking your hand and pulling you toward the lounge.
"Yeah, dance with us!" Wahoo called as he closed in on your left.
"Alright, that's enough," you finally told the guys after a few songs, palms pushing against their chests to find Danny. "Where did he go?"
"Think I saw him out back," Kathy mentioned as she snuggled close to Benny on the sofa. "Want me to go with ya?"
"No, it's okay," you rushed out, scurrying away before they could keep you from capturing the scene around you any longer. You were dying to get a few shots of the bonfire because the wildest things always happened there.
However, that would be the last coherent sentence you spoke. A large hand clamped around your mouth the moment you crossed to the back of the house.
You blinked up at the ceiling as you attempted to raise your head from the pillow, a wave of nausea returning as your head pounded inside your skull.
"Woah, now, darlin'," Johnny's steady voice cooed to you from somewhere nearby. The warm weight of his hand settled over your shoulder, pressing you back into the mattress and you tensed involuntarily. Withdrawing his hand, he inhaled a sharp breath at your reaction and the slight quiver nearly broke you in two as the memories of the night before flooded back to you.
"How you feelin'?" he managed after a long moment, eyes roving you with concern.
"I'm okay," you began, mouth nearly too dry to speak and a cut at your lip stinging with each syllable. "Thanks to Benny's fucking temper," you huffed out a laugh, ribs aching a little at the effort.
"Kid's gotta helluva right hook, don't he?" Johnny said proudly. However, the smile that graced his handsome face began fading as rapidly as it appeared, head hanging low as he admitted, "I got somethin' I wanna say and I don't want to you to misunderstand now."
You turned to watch him from where you lay, not quite comprehending where he was headed with this line of conversation.
Johnny still didn't meet your gaze, eyes wandering over the grease trapped beneath his fingernails as he rubbed his palms together slowly. It was almost too difficult to gather the courage to say what he needed to say now, but it had to be done.
"I talked to Danny last night. He agrees with me that you should go on home now..." He stopped to collect himself, tongue feeling thick in his mouth with the words that would send away the woman he was now deeply in love with.
You swallowed hard at his words, unable to believe his pronouncement. "Wh-what?"
"This whole things gotta stop...before you get hurt worse next time," he declared.
You shook your head against the pillow as you murmured, "One drunk guy..."
"No, I've been tellin' you this for a long time now," he persisted, biting down hard on his lower lip to keep it from quivering. He couldn't lose his nerve now.
Your hands fisted in the covers, anger seeping into your bones as you forced yourself to sit up despite the pain. "You don't get to tell me what to do, Johnny," you spat.
His eyes cut at you in a way you'd never seen, determination flashing like lighting. I do when it comes to your life. When I can't protect the only thing in the world that matters to me, he wanted to scream, but instead he found himself choosing words that would drive you away of your own accord, keep you safe in ways tender words never could. "You don't belong here and you know it," he growled.
The gruffness of his voice was foreign to you, a cold damper on the comfort his presence had provided up until now. You couldn't stop the tears as they welled in the corners of your eyes, hot and heavy as they began to spill over your lashes.
"Don't say things you don't mean," you warned him, voice cracking with a sob. "Are you serious?" The question hung in the air between you for what felt like an eternity as you held your breath, waiting for him to answer.
Without warning he stood, facing away from you so you couldn't see the hurt telegraphed straight from your features to his own. "Yes," he uttered the single syllable that would change your lives forever before walking out the door.
Summary: Johnny knows you're trouble the moment you show up with Benny, but he can't help himself.
A/N: I've been writing so much for Benny recently, I haven't properly indulged in my Johnny fantasies. This is for @potter-solomons who shares my obsession 😍
Warnings: 18+ MDNI
"You're gonna be the death of me," that's what Johnny always said about you from the moment Benny started bringing you around. Those cute sundresses paired with an innocent smile indicated you were just a girl who didn't know the effect she had on men. However, the way you pursed your lips before blowing on the tip of your pool stick and that naughty wink cast in his direction said otherwise.
The first time you met, you leaned across the table in your low cut dress, twisting a lock of hair idly as you thanked him for inviting you to see his garage. He scratched the back of his neck wondering when he'd agreed to that, but you were too busy explaining how well you knew your way around tools. He had to laugh at your double entendre, refusing to believe anyone was that naive or that you actually knew anything about mechanics.
The next day he was pleasantly surprised when you proved him wrong, somehow reading his mind before he could call out which socket wrench he needed. "Would you look at that?" he chuckled at your cleverness.
"Don't underestimate me," you warned him with an alluring look. He knew better than that, especially when your delicate hand brushed his grease stained fingers to offer a cold beer. And especially later as you hummed along to the radio, the syrupy sweetness in your voice dripping into his ear while he worked.
The quiet afternoon had only been one side of the coin, however, as you quickly proved yourself to be wild and impetuous, demanding a thrill a minute. He realized then, you were Benny in female form.
If Johnny gave you a ride, you'd dig your red nails into the legs of his worn denim shouting, "Is that all you got?" His heart thundered at the challenge, taking turns so quickly you shrieked with delight. He was addicted to the feeling of your hands against his abdomen, igniting the fire in his belly that had been there for you from the beginning.
You were impossible to deny, any request you made satisfied whenever possible and your honor defended at the slightest infraction. The thought of losing your favor, making Johnny's jaw clench hard enough to break a back tooth. As a result, his own recklessness only increased when you were by his side, the racing and fights spurred on by your enthusiastic cheers.
It wasn't only the blood stains on his colors and the renewed swagger in his walk that told the tale. Everyone saw what was happening between you as you exchanged heated glances across the bar on Saturday nights.
When Benny finally disappeared the way he always said he would one day, you and Johnny were already in bed together. Exhausted from a long haul out on the road, you urged him to lie back and enjoy himself as you rode him. One arm behind his head, he looked up at your bouncing tits with a blissed out look on his face.
As he came with a satisfied grunt, your hands pressed to his chest with a look of devilment in your eye. Resuming the slow grind of your hips, you smirked when his large, calloused hands flew to your waist. Moans of overstimulation left his plump lips as you dropped your head to place a kiss. "Feel good?" you taunted.
As he managed a shuddered breath, he admitted, "You're gonna be the death of me."
SUMMARY: spending the night at tim bradford’s place was never part of the plan- but, neither was ending up in his bed, feeling emotions you'd never imagine you'd feel towards him.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: guys i swore to myself that this was supposed to be a short fluffy fic but h2g i got carried away. THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE I APPRECIATE YOU ALL SM!! I SEE YOUR REQUESTS I PROMISE I DO. THEY'RE ALWAYS OPEN SO FEEL FREE TO SPAM IT WITH IDEAS OR FEEDBACK OR LOVE IN GENERAL!! also this is SOOOO INSPIRED by champagne coast by blood orange. should i do a part 2 for this? idk hehe enjoy!
INCLUDES: enemies to...cuddle buddies? a little bit of swearing, LOTS of tension, smitty
WORDS: 5.6K+
You couldn't have expected your night to go like this, never in a million years.
Yet, your hands still grip the wheel, and your focus never wavers away from the vehicle that moves in front of you as you follow it.
Though your eyes are steady as they study your surroundings of the peaceful neighbourhood with its warm street lights and clean gardens, it seems as if your entire body has much catching up to do.
For starters, your foot is shaky on the accelerator, your knees are endlessly bouncing, your fingertips constantly tap against the steering wheel and your mouth is...unsatisfyingly dry.
However, most importantly, you feel as though your heart has been left behind palpitating back at the station awing at Tim's lips and the way he effortlessly said to you stay at mine for the night.
There were so many things he could've said at that moment. And yet, the grumpy ass had you fumbling over your own footsteps from his choice to invite you to stay at his. His home.
It baffled you because…well, you and Tim aren’t the closest of friends.
You two are on opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to your personas; his rigid, by-the-book, scruff never seemed to mix well with your instinctive, kind, free-spirited one...so you two never saw a reason to be friends. Apart from Tim, you’ve gotten along extremely well with the other officers in your department since spending the past few years there.
To keep it short and sweet, you two are just work colleagues.
But fuck, did the guy really have it out to get you.
Conversing with Tim means you will never get your way, ever. Sure, maybe his superiority in conversations comes also from the fact that he's your Sergeant, but it's as if he does it because Tim Bradford is hell-bent on making sure you feel like you can never live up to his impossibly undesirable standards. His nitpicking, his overprotectiveness, his nasty attitude and those fucking death glares sent your way drives you up the wall like no other.
But unlike everyone else, Tim is the one person who can simultaneously make you want to rip your hair out and make your pulse race in the same breath- because, really, the way he crosses his arms sets your focus on his bulging biceps, his death glares means he's staring at you and only you, and his protectiveness makes your heart skip, especially when he places himself before the criminal and in front of you.
Sure, you’d never admit it and later you’d find that your ‘thank you’ to him is you giving him a mouthful of I had it under control!
Say what you want, but you're no angel, especially not in Tim’s eyes. To him, you are everything of a pain in his ass. You’re stubborn to his orders, you’re grumpy only towards him and even on the last hour of a late-night shift where you both want nothing but to hit the hay, you’re willing to fight with him on everything and anything. He’s only ever seen you smile at others and maybe once...maybe never towards him.
But it’s not like your endless arguments in the shop have ever gone to waste because, surprisingly, it’s easy for Tim to pick up on things when the only thing you two can talk about is your differences. Think of it how you want, but for Tim, he now knows everything about you- you prefer the aircon on at all times in the shop, you're picky with your coffee, and worse of all, your intelligence has you nailing every single Tim test he has ever dared to throw out at you; and with that, you are the bane of his existence.
So you can understand your confusion as to why 10 minutes ago, at the station just before you left, Tim offered his place to stay for the night.
To take you back, it all began when you were releasing your body camera off your uniform and onto its respected place on the wall. You and Smitty were creating a casual conversation when the old fella asked about your plans for the night. You groaned and grumbled:
“Fuck, Smitty, would shops be open still?”
“Hate to bear bad news to you, kid, but it’s 11pm,” He shrugs, “What’s the matter? Need something that badly?”
You remember sighing frustratingly as you unclip your radio, “Something like that- my apartment doesn’t have an AC…or fans and I’ve been meaning to get myself one of those portable ones but with work getting in the way, I haven’t had time.”
“No AC? No fans?” Smitty blinks at you, hard, though he follows after you to the equipment locker, “What are you doing? Sleeping in a hot oven?”
You chuckle quietly, rolling your eyes at him jokingly as you store your duty belt away, “Something like that.” Then, a thought flickers into your mind and so you turn to look at him, trying your best to hypnotise him with softened eyes and raised eyebrows, “Smitty…would you be such a gentleman and perhaps let me borrow one of yours? Knowing you, I’m sure your caravan has a whole set-up in there.”
Your question results in Smitty throwing his head back and laughing (you weren’t actually joking), “Not a chance. You’re a great negotiator, I’ll give that to you,” And then his hand is clapping your shoulder as he begins his departure, “Good luck with that, kid, and drink lots of water!”
You sigh, scrunching your face up in defeat as you watch him walk off, trying your best to plaster as real of a smile as possible, “Will do, thanks Smitty…always fucking helpful.” You whisper that last part to yourself as you grab your logbook and flip it open, jotting down a quick entry for the shift.
Though across the room near the weapons locker, you haven't noticed the large presence of a familiar Sergeant where his gaze was flicking between you and Smitty. He clenches his jaw as he unloads his weapon with practised ease, swearing to himself that he isn't that interested in eavesdropping on you and Smitty, instead, blaming it on that your conversation was loudly shared in public.
“You’re seriously sleeping in this heat with no fan or air-con?” He finds his voice cutting through the air before he can even realise it's his own, catching you off guard from where you stand writing in your logbook.
You stop writing mid-sentence and look up to meet his eyes that are entirely focused on you. You frown, “Were you eavesdroppi-“
“-No, and if I did, it’s a free country,” He cuts you off, moving his body to turn to you with his arms crossing, “…So?”
You drop your pen- any thoughts that once buzzed your mind clearly have shrivelled away at the expense of Tim’s interruption, “I am. Is that a personal problem with you, Sir?”
His eyes narrow harshly down at you, “It is when you come into work tomorrow morning and pass out from dehydration, resulting in me wasting my time writing up an incident report about your lack of care and negligence towards yourself.”
“I think I’ll be fine,” You shut the logbook with a sharp snap, the knit in your eyebrows deepening at his sudden intrusion into your living situation, “But thanks for being so concerned about my wellbeing- didn’t think you had it in you.”
There's a twitch in Tim's eye, a small lack of control that you don't seem to notice as he looks your figure up and down. He'll give it to you- you have a witty mouth.
He covers himself up immediately, walls built upon walls as he exhales, “You shouldn’t be trying to sleep in these conditions.” He mutters, “It’s not safe.”
Fuck, here he goes with the overprotectiveness.
You find yourself opening your mouth, eager to bite back at him with a flush of attitude and you don’t know whether it’s because of him, or the heat, or both. But, you decide to clench your jaw shut tightly, brushing past him to head towards the locker room, “I’ll get a fan when I have the time to.” You grumble anyway.
“Maybe you’d have time if you weren’t wasting it arguing with me,” He shoots back and you can practically hear the smirk in his voice.
Your jaw goes slack and you whip your head around, warmth burning in your chest, “You’re such an asshole.”
“Say all you want, Officer Y/L/N, but you know I’m right.” He counters against you, his tone even but pointed.
And he is, which is what you hate about this conversation the most. How are you going to survive this heatwave- especially with the lack of airflow in your apartment?
You consider maybe it's best you sleep in the fridge tonight.
You're too irritated to notice the way his eyes linger on you just for a tad longer than you did on him- his thoughts revelling in so many things to say to you but they never quite slip off his tongue, and so he watches as you turn on your heel and storm into the showers.
Praying that's the end of the encounter with Tim, you take your sweet time having a cool shower in the locker room, not allowing an inch of heat to hit your skin.
By the time you change back into your normal clothes, and you've exchanged small goodbyes to your fellow colleagues, you're dawdling your way through the station, to outside where your car is and...oh, Tim's leaning against your car.
His presence instantly brings a sense of irritation to your brain, your heart dropping at what the issue could possibly be. You sigh heavily, "What now?"
"You're not going back to your apartment tonight." Is all he states, his voice the usual rasp but it's stern. He tightens the grip on his backpack, though his wandering eyes don't leave yours as he stares you down.
Throwing your hands up, you scoff into the air, "Wow, thanks. So where am I supposed to go, huh?" Your frown can be seen a mile away as you look back at him, "You got any ideas for me?"
And...well, he does.
“Stay at mine for the night.”
Your heart misses a beat. Then another. And it echoes into the thick, excruciatingly hot air of Los Angeles.
You double-take at him, eyes locked onto his figure- steady, unwavering. There’s not a single sign that he’s joking right now; no teasing smirk, nor a smile, his voice doesn’t mock you and his eyebrows aren’t raised.
His lips are firm and his face is neutral. He’s just…standing there, awaiting your answer.
You scramble over words, your lips failing to form a coherent sentence, “I’m sorry…what?”
Tim doesn’t wait for a second to reply, “I’d be neglecting my duty of care as your Sergeant if I allow you to go back to your apartment,” And fuck, there he goes again.
You hold yourself back from rolling your eyes, “Tim, seriously I-“
“-I don’t think you’re hearing me correctly, Officer Y/L/N,” He interrupts, voice dropping into something firm. A tone that lures your pulse into a frantic flutter and you’re collapsing under his gaze as his eyes pin you down, “I wasn’t suggesting- I was ordering. It’s too damn hot for you to go back to your apartment. You’re sleeping at mine tonight, and that’s final.”
A breath escapes you, shaky and reluctant, “Fine,” You groan, stepping closer to your car, “But I’m taking the couch.”
Which is how you find yourself here- in your car, following his truck down dim streetlights with your body trembling and your heart chasing after you.
By the time you turn the corner to a peaceful street, you curb-side park next to a house that looks like any kind of architectural home- ordinary, simple, unassuming. You’ve probably driven past it a dozen times on patrol and never knew it belonged to the man who curated your headaches.
You inhale deeply, your fingers tightening around your steering wheel as you try to ground yourself from the adrenaline that sizzles within you. But, your body betrays you as it moves before your mind can catch up. You step out of your car, the night’s air blazing your already overheated skin and you meet Tim’s waiting gaze.
As you catch up to him, and with one more glance your way, he turns towards the wooden front door. You follow.
Upon entering, the first thing you notice is how…homely it looks.
It’s not what you expected- although you’ve never put a thought into what Tim’s home would've looked like anyway. Maybe his rough-edged, mean persona may have put your guesses to the more stereotypical Mojo Dojo Casa house where each corner of every room is filled with testosterone and messiness.
But this? This is different.
It's the type of masculine home that softens you inside, a comforting hug despite the already blaring heat- a safe space, as you'd call it. Aside from Kojo's welcoming nudge from his snout to your leg (of course you give him a pet), there's a warm lighting that casts a soft glow to your surroundings, highlighting the earthy tones of the necessary-but-enough furniture. His dark couch has a few paw scratches on the lower parts of the cushioning, but the extra cushions gently placed on the couch pulls your attention away. Though, lingering in the air is a faint earthy and woody masculine scent of him that intoxicates you every now and then. With every waft of it, your nerves settle more and more.
The metal click of Tim locking the front door from behind you immediately snaps your attention to face him, only to find that he’s already looking at you with an expression you can’t read, can’t translate, can’t understand. You shift your stance under his stare, swallowing hard at the awkwardness that begins to seep through between you two.
Tim is the first to break as he clears his throat, “I’ll grab you a blanket,” Then he’s eyeing you up and down, “…and some clothes,” He states, though he sounds less strict. It's softer- like he’s allowing himself to loosen the grip now that he’s home- just a little.
“I-” you hesitate, then shake your head, “Tim, I don’t want to be an inconvenience.”
“You’re not.”
How he gives a simple order like that should infuriate you, but instead, it has your chest ridiculously pounding. And plus, you hate to admit it but he’s right; you skim down at your own clothes and your blouse and pants don’t exactly scream comfort, especially when you'll be sleeping on a couch tonight and not your bed.
Without awaiting your agreement, he passes you to the other side of the house where his bedroom probably lies yearning for his body, leaving you to be by yourself in his lounge room.
Trying to ignore your palpitating heart or how your fingers can’t stop fidgeting, you instead divert your attention to how the cool air feels luxurious on your skin’s pores, scanning around at how lively everything seems to be; an empty glass left abandoned on his coffee table, a pair of boots kicked off by the door, Kojo resting on his dog bed near where the kitchen meets the dining room and…oh, his boxers hanging off one of the dining chairs.
You quickly draw your head away from the sight, your cheeks once hot from the heat now redden from something else- exposure to his vulnerability? Intrusion to his home? His privacy? Is it even ethically right that you’re here right now, all by yourself with your Sergeant who you supposedly can’t stand a single thing he does and yet, you blush at the sight of his underwear? Your mind wrestles with your heart, and it’s like you need to remind yourself that this isn’t a big deal. It’s just for one night. It won't mean anything.
Before you can linger on for too long, an oblivious Tim returns with a large navy blanket, a folded t-shirt and sweatpants, tossing the clothes your way. Perhaps Summer’s blaze hasn’t fogged your brain too much because you still have hyped and aware reflexes, catching them on instinct where your hands embrace the heat of the fabric from his touch.
A second passes, then two, and then he scratches the back of his neck, “Look, I don’t know whether the pants will fit you but I just thought they’d be better than what you’re wearing,” He mutters.
You can’t believe the words escaping your throat but, in this awkward yet content moment you find yourself whispering: “Thank you,” And your eyes are genuine as you look up at him, your voice a replica of the warm, gentle breeze outside and ever so quickly and shyly, Tim catches your lips curving into...a smile?
Fuck, he wishes he could photograph you right now because the way you’re looking at him makes him regret entirely ever giving you trouble since the two of you met.
But he doesn’t bring himself to mention it, so he redirects his gaze on you to anywhere else but, and he clears his throat, “Bathroom’s down the hall,” He nods in the direction of where a hallway begins from his bedroom door.
Blinking at him, you nod back before slipping past, your footsteps growing fainter as you near the bathroom.
The second the door clicks shut behind you, you let out a breath- long and unsteady, like you didn’t realise you had held it in this whole time. The air rushes out of your lungs in a way that feels like it carries more than just your breath. Confusion, overwhelm, awkwardness, nerves, eagerness…but for what? For sleep? For more? For him?
It all seems too real in this beat of the night as you drop the clothes on the sink’s widened bench and grasp either side of the cool porcelain sink tightly, your reflection staring back at you with knitted eyebrows and a heavy breath.
Get it together. It’s just Tim.
But that’s the problem- it is just Tim.
The one who gets under your skin and is infuriating and impossible to get along with. Who you've butted heads with more than anyone else in the department. But, no matter how many inches of hatred can float within your bloodstream, the strict, hard-headed man has opened his home just for you to sleep in.
You grip the sink tighter.
He can say all he wants about protocol and duty of care, and you can say all you want about this not changing anything.
But deep down inside both of your bodies, a seed has started growing.
You press your lips together and shake the thoughts away, turning your attention to getting out of these clothes and into something comfier.
But when you pull Tim’s t-shirt over your head, and his scent immediately soaks your senses, all it does is make your pulse race faster.
Damn it.
You don’t bother with the sweatpants. From one glance at the waistband and pressing it up to your hips, you know they won't stay up. The t-shirt is long enough to cover you- enough to be decent, but definitely not enough to leave much room to the imagination.
You inhale...then exhale, and you step out of the bathroom.
The house is quieter and darker than before- the only light that shines is the stars that complement the Moon from outside.
Tim is by your designated sleeping area, gently laying the blanket over the couch and adjusting it ever so gently.
You still your movements, soaking in what your heart never knew it yearned for as you watch his every gesture; how his long digits smooth out the fabric, pressing out any crinkles or creases that appear, making sure it's perfectly prepared just for you. It's so meticulous, unnecessary and yet caring that you can't help but stand still and stare at him.
At first, he doesn't notice your presence. But then, the floorboards beneath your cold feet betray you.
When he turns, and when his gaze fixates on you, that's when you feel it.
A shift in both of your emotions, a spark, a tug in your chest. He's no longer looking at you like you're a thorn's prick, a red light to a busy day, or shitty weather.
He lowers his eyes, taking you in.
You in his t-shirt.
The black fabric hangs loosely on you, stopping mid-thigh, and it takes everything in his restraint to not stare for too long because fuck, with you looking at him like that wearing his t-shirt like that, it makes him feel all things primal and irrational.
Underneath the glow of the moonlight, you are a force to be reckoned with- a free-spirit, and one that owns her own mind, something that Tim has no control over yet admires.
And in this very moment where you’re standing there like a daydream, you are a pain to his heart, his head and...something else. You go against everything he is for and yet, none of that counts right now. You could lure him in, like a siren to a pirate, and he'd chase after your kiss into the depths of the ocean's water.
His jaw tenses. His throat bobs as he swallows hard, forcing himself to look away.
But he can't, not that it would matter anyway.
The heat from outside no longer stresses you, just the warming presence of one another from where you stand, wishing the other person could act upon their thoughts suddenly, to push all past negative feelings for the other and take the risk, to take that step closer, to just do something, anythi-
“Thanks for…the couch.”
You break the trance, your voice slicing through whatever tension you two were enticed in and snapping you back into reality.
Your arms that are crossed over your chest tighten the embrace like you're putting up that barrier between your instincts and his body. You flicker your eyes from his baby blues to your makeshift bed, searching for something to latch onto. “It definitely beats what the apartment would’ve been like.”
Thanking Tim for his couch is one thing, but quietly admitting he was right? That's something else entirely.
This time, however, Tim doesn’t tease you upon it, doesn’t say I told you so with a smug smirk.
But, then something happens.
His eyes soften.
It's subtle, but you catch it before it can slip from your mind. He slowly breathes out, a small shift in his stance, and then ever so kindly, he gives you an almost imperceptible smile.
“Anytime,” He whispers, like a quiet oath that stays in your head.
It almost feels like an invitation. Like maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't mind if you forgot to buy that portable fan once again.
With one more look your way, he nods, his voice rough when he says: “Goodnight.”
And then he's gone.
The bedroom door shuts, and suddenly his house feels different again. Almost like you wished for the Summer air to heat you up just to replace his presence.
You look over your shoulder, double-checking to make sure he really is in his room before you let out a shaky exhale.
As you get under the blanket on the couch, you shut your eyes tightly, wishing upon anything that this night won’t mean anything...just as much as you hope it would mean something.
━━ ✩*ೃ.⋆ ━━
It's 2am.
The couch, as you’d expected, is awful.
Sure, Tim had done his best to make it look presentable, even going so far as perfecting all the faults, but none of that changed the reality of your situation- you couldn’t get to sleep. Not here, not right now, and especially not with him in your head.
The cushions are lumpy, offering no support for your back, and it’s far too small for you to even stretch your legs out. You’ve twisted and turned, each and every position feeling worse than the last. And it doesn’t help at your begging expense that your brain and heart can’t seem to shut off either, feeding into whatever thoughts were already crazing your brain.
You want to scream, to swear, to yell at the man who holds such a power over you that he probably doesn’t know he has. His lingering presence is unshakable- it’s in your mind, in the air, in the fabric of his damn t-shirt that still carries his scent. You can’t close your eyes because every time you do, all you can think about is him. The way he looked at you when you stepped out of the bathroom. The way his voice softened when he said goodnight to you. The way he let you in.
Overstimulated to the brim, you huff, searching for any source of comfort within where you lay. Everything has become so unbearable beneath your skin that it, too, can’t calm you down- like his baggy t-shirt clinging to your body, your baby hairs that stick to your forehead, and this stupid blanket that once was flattened beautifully and is now just tangled messily around your legs.
It’s dark, it’s cold, and it’s fucking lonely- a combination you can’t handle right now. Because all you want to do is go into his room and kiss the night away.
After what feels like hours, you give up.
Sitting up abruptly, you rub your hands over your face out of exhaustion and a yawn escapes your throat.
You quietly thank the heavens above that you don’t have work tomorrow.
You don’t even bother fixing up the mess you’ve made on the couch. Instead, you swing your legs over the side, letting them hit the hardwood floor with a soft thud.
Maybe a glass of water will help.
But as your feet carry you down the hallway, your steps slow. Not because of fatigue, but because you find yourself pausing outside his bedroom door, your fingers ghosting over the wood that stares back at you teasingly.
Do you knock? Do you open the door and tell him you can’t sleep? Do you demand he take the couch so you can have his bed? Or…God, do you kiss him just to put yourself out of your misery?
Or…do you do nothing? Do you just grab that glass of water and leave? Do you just shake your head at your own delusions, turn around, and pretend this never happened?
You don’t realise you’ve been pacing until the door swings open.
Your breath catches your throat.
There he is, leaning on the doorframe with his white t-shirt crinkled and his grey sweatpants hanging low on his hips, his arms crossed over his chest. His hair is a little frazzled, sticking up in numerous ways that suggest he’s been tossing and turning just as much as you. And the bags under his eyes are dark and heavy, proof that he isn’t sleeping either.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice low and husky as he looks down at you.
You freeze, shock seeping into your veins as you look up at him.
“I…” Your throat is dry. You force yourself to swallow, slowly wrapping your arms around yourself, “I can’t sleep.”
Tim exhales, his eyes softening as he tilts his head, “The couch sucks, huh?”
You shift under his gaze, feeling small and you sheepishly nod your head, “I’m too used to sleeping in my bed,” You don’t mention that he’s the reason you can’t sleep- that he’s been the poison in your bloodstream tonight.
Tim watches you for a beat longer, then sighs, “Get in here,” He mutters, stepping back to allow space for your entrance.
Your eyes widen, “…What?”
He raises an eyebrow as if daring you to argue, “I’m not repeating myself.” He nods towards his bed, “It’s big enough for the both of us. I’m not letting you suffer out there all night.” And he’s looking at you in a way that means business…like he’s serious.
…Oh.
Oh.
He is serious.
He, Tim Bradford - the man you hate the most - wants you in his bed.
You hesitate, trying to ignore the way your heart hammers so quickly in your chest that you can hear it in your ears. You step inside.
His room is hard to study in the darkness, but from what you can see from the Moonlight’s glow that seeps through the curtains, it’s clean, tidy, and smells even more like him. But when the door clicks shut behind you, the room suddenly feels smaller like the walls have drawn in, and the air, though cold, is thicker…charged with something you don’t want to name yet.
Tim moves first, his body on auto-pilot as he climbs into the left side of the bed- the side clearly being titled his from where the mattress is already dipped in the shape of him.
Your chest tightens. You only sleep on the right.
You follow, slipping beneath the covers, sighing in relief at how warm the sheets are- not like the scorching air outside or what your apartment’s bed would’ve been like, but the kind of warmth that makes you want to sink in and never leave. You make sure to keep a solid foot of space between you and him as you lay flat on your back, arms pinned to your sides, eyes locked on the ceiling.
You beg yourself to not even breathe- hyper-aware of every movement, every breath, every heartbeat to the point that you can't speak.
30 minutes...maybe 1 hour passes and fuck, you don’t know which is worse to sleep in: the couch or his bed.
Because just like out there, you aren’t falling asleep anytime soon.
Not when he’s right there, his body heating the space between you two, his steady, sleepy breaths filling the silence.
Carefully, you turn your head, just to get a glimpse of him. And the moment your eyes land on him, your heart stumbles over itself.
He’s the most peaceful you’ve ever seen him.
Lying on his side, facing you, the usual sternness in his features has softened, his narrowed frown no longer exists in this night. As if sleep has peeled back a layer of him you’ve never seen before, you notice he looks younger like this…innocent, if anything. Breathing in and out through his nose, one of his hands is tucked under his pillow, the other, outreached just beside you.
You turn away, a blush rushing to your cheeks.
You shift.
It’s not intentional- you just can’t lie on your back any longer. And if Tim’s comfortable, then maybe you can be too. Maybe, this doesn’t have to be a big deal, despite the tension in your body still being unbearable.
So, as naturally as you can, you roll over, turning onto your side, your back facing him.
And that’s when it happens.
Your foot brushes against his.
It’s the lightest, most fleeting touch, but it’s enough to send a violent shiver up your spine and steal the air from your lungs, rooting you in place.
“Fuck, I am so sorry-“
Expecting him to be asleep, your heart lurches forward when he exhales sharply, in a way that’s exasperated and amused, “You need to relax,” He grumbles, his voice gravelly low, feeling his eyes staring into the back of your head.
You scoff quietly, forcing your muscles to unclench, “Yeah, well, how would you like me to do that? It’s not everyday you sleep with someone as insufferable as y-“
He shuffles, a shift in his weight…and then his hand finds your waist.
It happens in one swift, effortless motion, like it’s the most natural thing in the world he could’ve done to you-
He pulls you into him.
You barely have time to process it before your back is pressed against his radiating solid body, his arm locked securely around your waist.
And God. You. Feel. Everything.
Starting from the heat of his skin, the rise and fall of his breath and how his exhales ghost onto the nape of your neck, gentle yet ticklish enough to make you shudder.
“Jesus,” He mutters, his voice still raspy yet breathy enough that you shiver from the warmth directly blowing in your ear. “You are so damn tense.”
Then, like it’s nothing, like it’s normal- his fingers ever so gracefully trace circles into your waist. He dips his head closer to your mess of hair, though that’s the last of his worries. “Stop fighting it.”
It’s not a command, not really- it’s something else. Something raw. Something vulnerable. And it wrecks you. It’s like he’s just as tired of this push and pull as you are.
Like he’s been fighting it as much as you have, since tonight…maybe since the station where he invited you…perhaps, since the day he met you.
You swallow hard and your fingers grip the sheets, your chest hammering so loudly you’re sure he can feel it against his own.
Despite your thoughts demanding you pull away, you find your body pressing against him, craving more of his comfort, “This doesn’t mean I like you.” You mutter, your voice embarrassingly unsteady.
Behind you, Tim huffs a quiet laugh, almost smug, “Yeah,” His embrace tightens and he nuzzles closer to where his lips graze your hair, lingering- tempted, but waiting. Instead, he allows for the warmth of your figure under his arms to take him back to a place of home he hasn’t quite felt in a long time. “Me neither.”
A grin plays upon your lips, and finally, you feel your eyes give way.
Summary: You and Tim go undercover to catch a serial killer because you're the only choice.
Warnings: angst?, fluff, r wears a two-piece bathing suit and like halfway wears Tim's shirt, Tim and r makeout on the job (again)
Word Count: 2.4k+ words
Inspired by T-Shirt by Thomas Rhett.
Masterlist Directory | Tim Bradford Masterlist | Request Info
“Hey, gorgeous,” Angela greets as she enters the bullpen. “We need to talk.”
Tim sighs as he squeezes his eyes closed. “Lopez, I’m not in the mood today.”
“Who says I was talking to you?”
Tim looks up, his brows pinched. When he sees Angela smiling at something to his right, he turns his head to follow her eyeline.
“Me?” you ask, pointing to yourself as your eyes widen.
“Yep,” Angela answers. “Wade and I need to see you in his office. You, too, Tim.”
“You said you weren’t talking to me,” Tim argues as he stands.
“I wasn’t. Now I am. So, Tim…” She looks at you and enunciates, “Gorgeous, you’re both with me.”
“Okay,” you agree slowly. “But Lucy owes me $50. Don’t let me forget that.”
“For what?” Tim inquires.
“I bet her 50 that Lopez doesn’t know my name. The gorgeous thing feels like conformation.”
Tim grunts under his breath, but inside, he’s not entirely convinced that’s the reason. Angela is incredibly kind and funny, but she doesn’t usually say stuff like that just because she forgot someone’s name. Officer, sure, but gorgeous has to have more behind it.
“I thought you were friends,” Tim points out as he opens the door to Grey’s office for you.
You shake your head and murmur, “Not yet.”
“What do you know?” Wade asks as the door closes behind Tim.
“Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell,” you joke.
Tim sighs, lays his hands on his belt, and counters, “Know about what?”
“The serial killer,” Angela answers. “Targeting attractive couples in LA county.”
Tim shakes his head, so Angela turns toward you.
“Uh, just that he’s killing couples who are supposed to be traveling and then dumping them in Angeles Forest. Right?”
“Precisely. He’s nearly impossible to find, though.”
“Meaning we have no idea where to look,” Grey fills in. “Without knowing when or how he works, we’re steps behind him.”
“So, you want to set a trap,” Tim guesses. “Use UCs to lure him in for another kill.”
“You’re so smart, Timothy,” Angela applauds sarcastically.
“Lopez.”
“You in?” Wade interjects.
“Wait, what?” you reply. “You want to send us in as the UCs?”
Tim shakes his head as you point between the two of you. Angela nods, and you purse your lips to consider it.
“Why not?” you decide with a smile. “I’m in.”
“Does it have to be us?” Tim inquires.
“Uh…” Wade pauses to look out of his office and around the station before he says, “Yeah.”
“Only choice,” Angela agrees.
“Gorgeous,” you whisper.
“And smart,” Angela applauds. “He’s got a type. Pretty couples. And… you fit.”
“Tim, she called you pretty, say thank you,” Grey teases.
“I didn’t say yes,” Tim argues.
“Is Aaron still here?” you ask.
“I didn’t say no either,” Tim interrupts, raising a hand to stop you.
You press your lips together and lift your hands in apology. Angela is trying to contain a laugh at Tim’s offended reaction to you asking about another man who could pretend to be your significant other. You’re not a couple, but Angela was right when she said you’re the only choice. If the killer is planning to kill again, he won’t be able to resist you and Tim together.
“Where are we going?” Tim asks with a dramatic sigh.
“Santa Monica,” Angela answers with a smile. “Pack your swimsuit.”
“Is it going to be this awkward the whole time?” you ask as Tim drives to the luxury hotel.
“No,” he answers shortly. “Just…”
“You’d rather be anywhere else?”
“Tell me your cover story,” Tim instructs, changing the subject. “Stop talking like a cop.”
You sit back in your seat and look out the window, catching glimpses of the ocean between the beachfront buildings as you recite the information Angela created for you.
“And we’ve been together for just over a year,” you continue. “I even got my nails done because I think you’re proposing this weekend, but I’m not supposed to tell you that.”
“Good,” Tim murmurs.
“Tim,” you begin again, your tone more serious as you look at his profile. “I’m sorry for pushing. I know this is weird.”
Tim shrugs. “Anticipated my next proposal would look a little different.”
“Ow,” you hiss, playfully rubbing your chest over your heart. “Oh well, at least Angela thinks I’m gorgeous.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, but I like messing with you.”
Tim rolls his eyes, but you see the tiny smile he tries to hide. You’re here for work, but at least the view is nice. Oh, yeah, the ocean’s pretty too.
After adjusting the straps over your shoulders, you step out of the bathroom and back into your oversized luxury suite (courtesy of the LAPD and a need to get a serial killer behind bars).
“You’re in a bathing suit,” Tim says as he enters the bedroom, slowing as he looks at you.
“Great observation, Bradford,” you reply. “Did you forget why we’re here?”
Tim shakes his head and turns away from you. “I’m just saying… you could’ve worn a one piece,” he murmurs.
“Spoken like a man,” you tease as you pull a coverup over your head. “Try using the bathroom in one of those and then tell me that again, Tim.”
“Guy at the bar has been staring at us since we walked in,” you inform Tim over the rim of your glass.
“Us or you?” he asks, discreetly glancing over your shoulder.
“What’s the difference?”
“It’s a simple question. Men stare at beautiful women, especially at the beach. If he’s interested in you, just because, he’s not our guy.”
You try to ignore how your heart rate speeds when Tim calls you beautiful, but it affects you.
By the end of the day, you’ve noticed two men who checked in after you seem to be hanging around wherever you and Tim are. It could be a lead, or it could be a coincidence. You can only hope you learn which before it’s too late.
“I’m surprised you’re making progress so quickly,” Angela says over the phone the following morning.
You end the call and sit down on the couch beside Tim. It’s more exhausting than you thought, the hustle and bustle of pretending to be an in-love couple that does everything together. You’ve already been to the pool, the beach, three restaurants, and the hotel lounge and cruised down the PCH.
Leaning your head against Tim’s shoulder, you look over the balcony railing and to the water, reflecting the first rays of sunlight peeking over the beachfront high-rises.
“Are they running the men from yesterday?” Tim inquires, making no move to create space between you.
“One of them checked out this morning. The other came back clean and his reservation was booked weeks ago,” you respond. “Back to square one.”
“You sound surprised that catching a serial killer in a place this big didn’t happen overnight.”
“Because it’s us!” you point out. “I thought we’d break some sort of record and have the cuffs on him, be back in our own beds already.”
Tim smiles and stretches his arm out behind your head. Another full day awaits you, but you’d be content to spend it here.
“Don’t turn around,” Tim instructs as you prepare to leave the upscale diner he found for breakfast.
You nod, complying as he leans forward to wave for the check. He looks across the restaurant as he sits back in the booth.
“I saw a guy by the pool last night. He looked over a few times, but that didn’t stand out then. He was still at the pool when we left the lounge,” Tim explains.
“And now he’s here?”
Tim nods. “He fits the profile. White, mid-30s, completely unimposing.”
“What do you want to do?”
Tim smiles and takes your hand as he answers, “I want to catch him.”
You both know that two sightings aren’t enough to arrest him, so take a good look at him as you walk to the bathroom and then leave to continue your plans for the day. Everywhere you go, you and Tim are on high alert, noting where he is or isn’t, what he’s doing, what he’s wearing, and anything else you may need to know if this is the killer you’re searching for.
“Wait, Tim,” you call, pulling him to a stop in the hotel lobby. “He’s never been in the hotel. He wasn’t inside last night, and we’ve been back three times. I don’t think he’s staying here.”
“Or he just thinks we’re coming right back out. He can’t lose us if he doesn’t leave the door,” Tim points out.
“Maybe,” you murmur.
“We should test it, though. He watched us from the pool last night. If he was staying here, why didn’t he just come in where he could see better, hear us?”
“How do you want to do this?”
“We could try to lure him in.”
You smile as another idea strikes. “Or we ask Angela to get us a room at a crappy motel.”
“Why?”
“Because no one thinks twice about who’s walking around. The rooms are practically public, he could follow us straight to the door.”
Tim smiles as he pulls you closer, playing the part of the perfect boyfriend. He makes it seem effortless.
“Let’s get out of here, baby,” he murmurs against your ear.
“He’s following us,” you whisper as you walk down the beach, nearing your new, faded-aqua motel.
“Metro’s waiting in the employee parking lot. Your call,” Tim replies, pulling you closer.
You stop, keeping Tim close before you loop your arms over his shoulders. Leaning up, you brush your lips over Tim’s jawline.
“We’re gonna have to put on a show,” you murmur against his skin.
Tim drops his head toward your shoulder and whispers, “Then let’s make it memorable.”
“Keep it down!” someone calls from a doorway.
You laugh against Tim’s mouth as he lifts you onto the next step. He holds you against his chest while he steers you backward toward the door. When you reach your room, you lean against the door, and Tim drops his head to kiss you.
“We really need to stop doing this,” you whisper.
“Absolutely,” Tim agrees, leaning in for another kiss.
He scrapes the key across the door, trying to unlock it while keeping his attention on you. You reach down, steadying his wrist as you kiss down to his jaw. The lock clicks and Tim bends to hook his arm under your hips before he pushes the door open. Kicking it closed behind him, Tim takes you inside and leaves the door unlocked.
“Take your shirt off,” you instruct as you pull your coverup over your head.
“Why?” Tim asks, already unbuttoning the linen button-down as you wait in your bathing suit.
You shake your head and turn on the outdated TV set before you walk to Tim’s side. Once his shirt is off, you slide it onto your shoulders and haphazardly button it.
“Lopez, get ready,” you say into your wire, still attached to the inside seam of your coverup.
Flipping your hair, you mess it up before raking your fingers through Tim’s. He watches you, unable to decide what he wants to see more: your hair messed up, how you move in front of the TV light, or how you look in his shirt. Before he can decide, someone knocks on the door.
You pull your gun from under the bed and ready it on the door as Tim stands against the wall, prepared to cut the shooter off before he gets all the way into the room.
“LAPD!” the Metro team outside yells. “Put your hands up!”
Three minutes and one gunshot later, the motel is quiet. The door opens, and Wade follows Angela inside, their eyes drifting between you, Tim and the suspicious outfit changes that have occurred.
“Ready to go?” Angela asks.
Tim looks at you, hesitating, before you answer, “Yeah.”
Standing behind a police car, still clad in your bathing suit and Tim’s shirt, you wait for Angela to join you.
“Anything you want to tell me?” she asks. “Friend to friend?”
“Do you even know my name?” you argue.
She says your name in answer, then leans against the back of the shop.
You exhale as you prepare to ask, “Why me and Tim? You could’ve picked anyone.”
“The truth? You were the obvious choice. We needed an attractive couple. But… you were also making the rest of us tired.”
“Tired?”
“The constant pining. The longing looks. It got kind of sickening. So, when the case popped up, I thought maybe it would give you a reason to deal with those feelings, however you wanted to do that.”
“It was a good plan,” you admit softly. “Except now I’m even more confused than before.”
“You want a ride?” Tim asks you, approaching the side of the shop you’re behind.
You look at Angela, and she nods enthusiastically. After you agree, you follow Tim to a car and wonder if this is the best or worst night of your life.
“I thought you said we needed to stop doing this,” you say against Tim’s lips.
He chuckles as he pulls back. “Then why are you leaning in for one more?”
You roll your eyes and hit the light switch beside you. At least he waited until we got inside this time.
“It really was the only choice, you know.”
“I do,” Tim agrees. “But I will make Lopez pay for meddling.”
“Sure. I for one am just glad we’re finally acknowledging that we have feelings for each other.”
Tim smiles as he takes your hand. “Maybe I can forgive her for tonight.”
“Maybe you can also cook dinner tonight.” You lead Tim to your kitchen, release his hand, and walk down your hall to change.
Not that an outfit change will erase the vision of you wearing Tim’s shirt from his head anytime soon. No matter what, you’re both thankful for Angela’s meddling, because it took you exactly where you wanted to be.
Hiii! If its not much trouble could I request a tim Bradford and reader fic where she's really shy and sensitive, but still diligent at work and his rookie? He usually had a soft spot for her bcs he has a crush on her but she messes up a case and gets yell at by him?? Calls her a crybaby and all?? But later he comforts her and confesses? Maybe she thinks he likes lucy up until that point?? Just a lot of angst filled with pining and fluff! Thanks sm and I love your workk💕
Authors note: Oh my god, it's been so long, I'm so sorry! Thank you a lot for your request! I really liked the idea and I hope you'll like how I wrote it.
Lots of love! ❤️
Please, as always
Enjoy!
"Shit, shit, shit!" you cursed under your breath, biting your lip as your fingers anxiously fiddled with the belt on your hips.
This was not how this case was supposed to go.
Not at all.
It was like a damn domino effect - one thing went down the hill, and so did the rest one after another.
A whole fucking shitshow.
That your suspect was lying dead on the street was just the cherry on top.
He had tried to run from you, not watching where he went. You tried to warn him, yelled that he should watch out, when a car hit him, and sent him flying over the street.
Tim stood beside you, eyes wide and mouth agape, not really believing what he saw. He wasn't sure whether to yell at you, comfort you, or just get back in the car.
He gritted his teeth, hands balling into fists. He usually was softer with you, than he was with other rookies he had.
You just didn't know that he harbored feelings for you that went far beyond being your TO.
A conflicting thing, really.
"You-" he started, cutting himself off, eyes flying over the scene. The dead man on the floor, the shocked civilians all around you.
The poor woman that drove the car that hit the man.
The ambulance covered the man with a sheet, calling the coroner.
That was what snapped him.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tim spoke up, rasing his voice as he looked down at you. "What the hell did you think?" You flinched at his tone, some of your usual shyness and sensitivity shining through.
Tim bit his cheek, so hard he almost drew blood.
He felt bad, sorry even.
To yell at you was one of the things he wanted the least, but he had no other choice if he wanted you to be successful.
At least, that's what he told himself.
"Sir, I-" you wanted to defend yourself, but he didn't let you. Once he was in that stage of rage, it was hard to see an escape through the fog.
"No, of course you did not!" he went on, the look on his face both terrifying and breaking you.
To ever think you'd stand a chance with the man yelling down at you seemed like the stupidest thing in the world suddenly.
"How could you let him get this far?" he continued to rage, seemingly not caring about the people around you that started to watch the commotion. "You should have stopped him!"
You swallowed, a bitter pill you'd forced upon yourself by letting the suspect get this far. That you'd fallen pretty badly along the way, most likely spraining your ankle, wasn't important anymore.
Who knew if he'd even seen it?
"I- I'm sorry." you breathed out, doing your best not to lose your face in front of him. The day had started bad, and it got worse the longer it went on. "I shouldn't have let him get this far."
Tim scoffed, hands fisting his belt as he looked around you. "I shouldn't have let you handle this on your own." he spoke, voice a mix of regret and spite. "I should have known better."
His words hit you like a punch to the gut.
You knew you were ready, and damn he knew it, too. Mistakes were normal, no matter how long you were doing the job already. But with your last week as a rookie rolling around, he pushed you more and more beyond your limits.
You felt tears burn in your eyes, the ugly tugging sensation in your jaw when you tried your very best to hold them back.
But Tim had already seen them.
His head tilted in disbelief, eyes widening before they narrowed.
Not a good sign.
"Are you gonna cry?" he asked, voice full of disbelief. "Are you kidding me? What are you? A fucking crybaby?"
Told you so.
You cleared your throat, cheeks burning in shame.
"No, no, of course not." you mumbled, trying to steady your voice. Tim tilted his head more, sending you a look that told you to repeat yourself. "No, I'm not crying." you repeated louder, looking up at him.
To say his behavior hurt was an understatement.
"Get in the car." he hissed, motioning at the shop. You nodded, doing as he told you without protesting.
It wouldn't have done you any good, anyway.
Moral of the story suddenly played in your head, and you couldn't help but think how right Ashe was, as you climbed into the passengers seat.
You had learned a lot about Tim the last year, yet he surprised you with how cold and harsh he was right now.
You should have never let your stupid crush get out of hand like this. Maybe to be hurt like this, to be talked down by him like that - maybe that was your moral of the story.
Like they said: Never fuck the company.
Not that you and Tim had gotten physically close somehow, but that didn't stop your mind from imagining sometimes.
You just were glad you experienced him like this before anything could have happened.
Not that you had much faith in that, anyway.
____
You let out a sigh, as you finally made your way out of the station.
It had been a long day, maybe the longest of your life. After driving back you had to wait before being questioned about the incident. It went on for nearly two hours, in which they decided you weren't responsible for the suspects death.
Yes, he had run from you, but it was his own decision, and you had tried to warn him.
You body-cam proofed it.
You hadn't seen Tim since you'd gotten out of the shop, silently thankful for it.
You didn't know if you'd been able to endure another round of his scolding today without actually breaking down.
Seeing Lucy though, only pressed on your sore nerves more. Yes, you liked her as a friend, but the thought that Tim seemed head over heels for her warred with that.
Only a fool wouldn't see.
The cold night air hit your skin, effectively cooling it down and clearing your head a little. You hoped to get home and fall in bed, only waking up again when you would have forgotten this day.
But someone seemed to have other plans.
"Y/N, wait!" he called out after you, and you only then noticed that his car was still in the almost empty parking lot.
You debated whether to ignore him, act like you didn't hear, but your consciousness said otherwise. You turned around as he stopped in front of you, silently cursing yourself for being such a good person.
He seemed at a loss for words for a moment, lips parted, like he didn't expect you to actually wait. "Listen," he then started, brows furrowing slightly as his gaze drifted away for a brief second. "I didn't mean to be so harsh on you back there."
You frowned, blinking a few times in confusion. Was he a-
"I'm sorry."
You didn't know what to say, now at a loss for words yourself. "I- i'ts okay." you then said after finding your voice, biting your cheek. "You lectured me, and it's not like it wasn't justified, sir."
He gritted his teeth, you could see even in the dim streetlight.
"No, that was too harsh." he gave back, shaking his head, frown deepened. "It wasn't your fault he was hit by the car. You tried to warn him and he didn't listen."
You pushed your bottom lip forward, not sure where his sudden change in mood came from. "Look, sir-" you started, but he cut you off. "Stop that." he demanded, the frown on his face bordering on angry now.
Your lips parted in confusion, not sure what you did wrong now.
"Stop calling me sir." he said. "We both know that's needless. It's not like- I mean, you're one week away from becoming a p2. We both know you'll make it with flying colors. Call me Tim."
He was selfish, he knew it.
But if it meant he'd hear his name from your mouth even once, he'd do anything. He didn't know yet if you'd choose to stay after graduation, and he'd have to take what he got.
He was in way too deep.
You swallowed before you nodded, gaze meeting the ground. Your teeth maltreated your cheek, not sure how to react.
"I've never- I've never seen a dead person like this before." you suddenly spoke, looking back up at him. "I didn't know where my head was, and you yelled at me. I was overwhelmed."
It just bubbled out of you. Maybe the dim lighting made you bolder.
"That's not me." you continued, shaking your head. "I- I'm tidily, I always make sure to give my best, it just-" Without you noticing, tears formed in the corners of your eyes, and you gasped for air.
Tim's own eyes widened, as he realized you were about to panic.
He closed the distance, wrapping his arms around you.
It was pure instinct, every nerve in him telling him to hug you, to comfort you.
To not make him see you cry.
He couldn't.
"It's okay." he spoke softly, as your fingers fisted the material of his jacket. "It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry for yelling at you."
You couldn't help the tears from flowing, not when he held you like this, doing his best to make you feel better.
"I should have known." you sobbed, pushing the shame for crying onto his jacket aside for now. "I wasn't ready."
He shooed you, one hand carding through your hair.
He knew if someone saw you two, this would have ended badly.
But he couldn't bring himself to care.
"You are ready." he gave back. "More than ready. I've seen you out there, you always have yourself under control. You're diligent, something that not every rookie is. You may be shy, and maybe a bit sensitive, but that's something good. You know how to talk to people, you understand them. And I know this wasn't your fault. You did your absolute best, and that's exactly what I told them back there."
You swallowed, cheeks heating up at his words.
You didn't expect him to be so open and soft with you.
"You- you really think that?" you asked, sniffing as the tears slowly subsided. He chuckled softly. "God, you have no clue." he mumbled, gaze flitting over the dark parking lot.
You frowned, not sure what he meant. But before you could have asked, he continued on his own.
"I'm not good at this emotional stuff." he said with a huff. "But you are. And I'm grateful for it, I really am, because I learned to get better at it, because of you. And I'm supposed to be the TO here, not you."
You chuckled, not having expected him to learn something from you whilst training you.
"You should talk to Lucy, then." you suggested, the thought jabbing at your heart. But if he wanted her, he'd be prepared for the emotional talk now, then.
Tim frowned, looking down at you with confusion. He gently pushed you away enough to look in your eyes.
"What do you mean?" he wanted to know, trying to make out what you were telling him. Your cheeks heated up, but you knew there was no turning back now.
Might as well reap what you've sown by digging into his personal life.
"I mean that you can tell her how you feel if you're better at emotional stuff now." you explained, doing your best to look encouraging. He scoffed a laugh, nose crinkling slightly. "Wait, you think I-" he started, but cut himself off with another laugh.
You frowned, suddenly feeling uncertain. "Yes, I mean-" you wanted to explain yourself, but he cut you off, hands on your arms as he leaned a bit down to look into your eyes. "No." he said firmly, a grin on his lips. "I'm not in love with Lucy."
The thought almost seemed absurd to him.
Why would he want Lucy when you were here, standing right in front of him?
Your frown deepened, thoughts running a million miles a minute. "Wait, you're not?" you asked, voice carrying a hint of disbelief and maybe relief. He laughed under his breath, shaking his head. "No." he confirmed. "I'm not."
Silence hung between you like a heavy fog, only broken by a huff leaving your lips. "Well, I'm not as good at reading people as I thought I am." you mumbled, biting your cheek.
He shrugged as if to say I noticed. "If you were you would have known I don't want Lucy." he said, empathizing her name.
You cocked a brow, looking up at him again. "What do you mean?"
He sent you a smile that sent your heart into a frenzy, and for a moment, you thought you'd have a headrush. "I mean," he began, eyes wandering over your face. "That I can't wait for you to be a p2."
You felt dumb.
"Tim-" you started, but cut yourself off, as realization suddenly hit you like a freight train. "Wait, what?"
He chuckled, a sound that seared its way into your brain the first time you'd heard it. "Yes." he confirmed. "I don't want Lucy, because I already want you, Y/N."
It felt like the night sky had decided to let all it's lucky stars rain down on you at once.
A mix of emotions rushed through you, and you felt like you'd actually have a headrush.
"What- How?" you stammered, words escaping your brain. "I- I mean, why me? Why not her?"
Tim cocked a brow at your words. He knew you'd say something like that, a clear sign of how well he knew you by now. "Because you're you." he said. "Because you care. You're smart, funny, cute. You are a good cop, and I couldn't ask for more in a person than you already are. I don't want Lucy, because I'm not interested in her the way that I'm interested in you."
You inhaled shakily, his words like a balm to your wounded heart.
"And if you'd let me, I'd like to take you out once you're officially a p2." he added with hope shining in his bright eyes.
A smile spread your lips at his words. "I'd love to go out with you, Tim." you gave back, causing his own smile to grow.
His eyes fell to the smile on your lips, and suddenly he cared even less about the open space of the parking lot.
"Can I kiss you?" he wanted to know, eyes finding their way back to yours.
Your smile widened, and you nodded. "You can."
It was delicate the way he pressed his lips to yours, like petals of a flower. One hand snaked its way into your hair, cupping the back of your head to pull you closer. Your own hands gripped his jacket, anchoring you.
It was all you could have wished for.
And suddenly, the headrush wasn't so unpleasant anymore.
Summary: Seven years after failing to become an LAPD officer, you return to Los Angeles as a literary analyst with the FBI's behavioral analysis unit to catch a serial killer.
Warnings: angst, violence, discussions of autopsies and forensic science, literary references, fluff and banter, improper use of a meat locker
Word Count: 13k+ words
Masterlist Directory | Tim Bradford Masterlist | Request Info/Rules
As the slick black SUV with US government plates parks outside the LAPD Mid-Wilshire station, you try not to reminisce. It would be too easy to remember how excited you were to walk in on your first day after the police academy, too easy to remember the devastation and heartbreak you felt walking through the same doors after surrendering your badge. You open the car door and focus on the current job, keeping your head down as you follow your team into the station that once felt like home. After finding an empty space out of the officers’ way to wait while your boss speaks to the watch commander and captain, you unlock your phone and scroll through the case details you reviewed on the flight, looking for anything you might have missed.
“Can I help you?”
You look up from your phone, the case detail email disappearing as you press the power button and smile at the LAPD officer standing before you.
“Sorry, I’m waiting for the rest of my team,” you explain before brandishing your badge.
“Oh, no worries. This is my first time working in a task force,” she replies. “It’s exciting.”
You nod and subconsciously tug on your sleeves. Officer Chen is obviously a rookie, and her enthusiasm is refreshing.
“Is this your first time in LA?” she asks.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Chen, Bradford wants to see you before roll call,” another officer calls.
“Is Bradford your training officer?” you ask.
“He is. Do you know him?”
You look around, then say, “Tim is on, what? His tenth plain clothes day washout?”
“Eleventh,” she answers, surprised.
“Nice to meet you, Officer Chen.” You offer your hand and say, “I’m number five.”
Chen’s jaw drops before she asks, “And now you’re FBI? How did that happen?”
“Long story… But I’m a literary analyst for the behavioral analysis unit, not exactly a field agent.”
A passing officer stops, then steps backward to look at you. “Are you on Hotchner’s team?”
“I am. I assume you remember him?”
“You know an FBI agent, Officer Lopez?” Chen asks.
“He was responsible for over 100 convictions of corrupt cops six or seven years ago. Five of them were LAPD, and one was our watch commander,” Lopez explains. “Chen, we need to get to roll call.”
You nod to Lucy, then return your attention to an email from Penelope.
“Your phone should be at least twelve inches from your face to limit blue light exposure,” Spencer says as he enters the station. “Sixteen to eighteen inches is preferable.”
“Spencer,” you reply, smiling as you turn toward him. “Penelope used what appears to be 6-point font and then zoomed out. I appreciate the concern for my eye health but take it up with her.”
Spencer frowns and murmurs, “Sounds like a job for Morgan.”
“What’s that, pretty boy?” Derek inquires as if he was summoned by the utterance of his name. “Gettin’ girlie here a date?”
“In Los Angeles?” you ask incredulously. “Hard pass.”
“Right, because the location is the issue with the plan. Not the fact that we’re working a case, and new evidence was discovered this morning,” Hotch deadpans from your side.
“I can multitask, boss man,” Derek defends, tossing his arm over your shoulders.
“Psychologists have determined the human brain isn’t designed for successful multitasking,” Reid begins. “It can cause switch cost, which results when attention and information retainment are suddenly redirected from one task to another, and cognitive efficiency and performance diminish-“
“Says the walking brain with at least fourteen tabs open,” Derek jokes.
“They’re waiting for us,” Hotch reminds. “I mean, only if you’re ready.”
“Your station,” Derek tells you, shaking your shoulders gently as he follows you toward the roll call room.
“… and there is no excuse for failure to communicate,” Sergeant Wade Grey continues as you follow Hotch into the roll call room.
You stand between Hotch and Derek as he speaks and look around the room. Fourteen officers are seated at the tables, listening intently even as their eyes stray to the case board. JJ joins you a moment later, mouthing an apology to Hotch before passing him a folder.
“More evidence?” you whisper.
She nods, then whispers something to Spencer, who furrows his brows and squints at the case board. You know the look, and it increases your concern about the case. Though there have been two notes and a book tied to the previous crime scenes, you’re unsure why Hotch decided you needed to join them in LA. You could have stayed in Virginia with Penelope, you think, but you trust him and the rest of your team. Turning away from JJ, you fight the urge to peek into Hotch’s open folder as you run your eyes up and down the rows of officers. You recognize Chen and Lopez from this morning, but stop when you see Tim Bradford.
Hotch notices your shoulders stiffen in the split second before you relax, and he taps his elbow against you. You look up at him, and he nods once to reassure you. You’re not alone, and unlike the last time you were in this station, someone else knows the truth of what happened.
“Any questions about the case?” Grey asks. He sighs when someone raises their hand and says, “Yes, Nolan?”
Nolan doesn’t seem concerned with Grey’s lethargy. “What’s the connection between the zoo and the first victim?”
Spencer shifts beside you, and Derek shakes his head in amusement. You can imagine the rambling fighting to get out of Reid, and you smile at Derek rather than laugh.
“I should’ve been clearer. Any questions about our side of the investigation?” Grey amends, and this time the officers stay quiet. “In that case, I’d like to introduce Supervisory Special Agent Hotchner of the FBI, the BAU unit chief, who has brought his team across the country to assist in this case.”
Hotch walks to the front of the room and sets his files on the podium. He fixes an evaluating glare on the officers before him, then nods.
JJ leans toward you and asks, “Remember how intimidating that look used to be?”
“Still makes me stand up a little straighter,” you admit.
“We’re here to help,” Hotch begins. “But that means that we need you to be as committed to solving this case as we are. If you’re not ready for that, you’re free to go.” No one moves, so Hotch says, “Good. Sergeant Grey has briefed me on each of you. You’re good officers, but street smarts and police procedure won’t get this monster off the street.”
“But talking about the suspect’s feelings will?” one of the officers jokes.
Hotch’s eyebrows raise, and his serious look fades into a knowing glare. “You must be Bradford.”
JJ takes your hand, and Derek exhales. They know more about your history in LA than the people in LA do, and you appreciate their friendship and presence.
“Sorry, sir,” Tim replies. “I only meant that there is tangible evidence at these scenes, and it seems to me that concrete proof will help us find this guy faster than dissecting his mind through his habits and words.”
Hotch returns behind the podium and admits, “I understand how our process could seem like a waste of time, and criminal profiling is not an exact science, we’re wrong sometimes, but you know as well as I do that there’s no one right way to solve a crime. The important thing in this situation is to get a killer off the streets before he claims more lives. If our behavioral analysis can assist in that, we’d appreciate your cooperation.”
“I can assure you that you have the LAPD’s complete cooperation,” Sergeant Grey interjects, looking pointedly at Tim. “And anyone unwilling to do so will be removed from this task force.”
Tim crosses his arms across his chest and nods, a position you remember well from your limited days as a rookie. You expected this type of attitude from him and possibly more cops. You truly believe that the BAU can offer insights Tim can’t glean from analyzing a crime scene or going through the processed evidence.
“Do any of you have questions for me or my communications liaison?” Hotch asks.
Several officers ask questions about task force protocol, what your team does, and other run-of-the-mill inquiries about the federal agency and its duties.
“I believe it is time for introductions?” Hotch says, stepping to the side as he welcomes Sergeant Grey back to the front of the room.
“The LAPD has selected fourteen of its best officers-“ He turns away from the room and lowers his voice to tell Hotch, “If you’re against rookies on the team, I’ve got some other officers on standby.”
“If you trust them, they’re welcome to stay.”
Grey nods and turns, then continues, “Officer Lopez, Officer Bishop and her rookie, John Nolan, Officer Janssen…”
You tune out most of the officers’ names, trusting Spencer to fill in any blanks for you, until you hear, “Officer Bradford and his rookie, Lucy Chen.”
You were in Lucy’s position just over seven years ago, and now you’re looking in from the outside. You love your job and appreciate the FBI and the BAU for giving you a home and a rewarding career. Yet, sometimes you’re still plagued by the inevitable wondering, what if?
“Pleasure to meet you all,” Hotch responds. “I’m SSA Aaron Hotchner, behind you is my team: Special Agents Reid, Morgan, Jareau…” Hotch meets your eyes before introducing you, and you watch him rather than Tim, who turns quickly in his chair and stares wide-eyed at you before controlling his expression and returning to his usual composed demeanor.
“How is a literary analyst helpful?” someone questions softly.
“This unit has taken down more serial criminals than you can name,” Wade snaps. “Show a little respect.”
“We’d like to brief you before the media,” Hotch explains. “If it’s possible to reconvene before tomorrow’s patrol begins, of course.”
“Not a problem. I want all of you back in here fifteen minutes before beginning of shift tomorrow,” Wade tells his officers. “Keep the conversation in this room, understood?”
“Yes, sir,” the officers respond as they stand and file out of the door, some whispering together, others leaving quietly and alone.
“I think that went well,” Derek says as Hotch gathers his things.
“Socially speaking, there was a divide and a complete lack of faith in us,” Spencer argues. “Though there is the question of authority and a misunderstanding regarding our purpose and purview.”
“Pretty boy and I are going to go find some coffee.”
As Derek and Spencer leave, and JJ excuses herself to answer a phone call, you’re left alone with your current supervisor and former watch commander.
“It’s good to see you,” Wade says, smiling as he pulls you into a hug.
“You, too,” you respond. “Sorry I haven’t been back as much as I’d like.”
“I understand,” Wade assures. “And it seems that you’ve found your perfect place in the BAU.”
“We like to think so,” Hotch agrees. “Although…”
“Bradford won’t be a problem,” you interrupt.
Hotch tilts his head questioningly, and you add, “He fights back on new things, but he’s a good cop, so he’ll do what’s right in the end.”
Hotch hesitates, then asks, “Do you trust him?”
“With my life.”
“He’s the best I’ve got,” Wade comments. “But if there’s a question about him…”
“He’s Morgan, but more serious,” you tell Hotch. He doesn’t change his stare, so you sigh and promise, “I want him here. There’s no bad blood between us and he’s going to be invaluable in this.”
Hotch nods and looks away from you finally and begins asking Wade about one of the files turned in the night before, which you understand as your cue to leave. After you step out into the bullpen, Derek returns to your side.
“Where’s Spencer?” you ask, looking over his shoulder.
“Telling Officer Chen about the health benefits of doing something boring. How are you?”
“I’m okay. Hotch doesn’t seem to think so.”
Derek gasps and holds your shoulder to exclaim, “You have two overprotective father figures to work for now!”
You consider arguing for less than a second before you realize he’s right. Wade stayed in touch after you left LA. Hotch has never left room for you to wonder how he sees you and his need to protect you. So, you’re working on a case that feels like two different versions of your personality, and parts of your life have combined into one perfect yet terrifying case. And you haven’t even talked to Tim yet.
“I hope our hotel has a hot tub,” you lament.
“Plain clothes day washout number five, huh?” Lucy asks Tim as they patrol Los Angeles.
Tim shakes his head and doesn’t answer. He’s gone seven years without talking about you, only having to relive the heartbreak on your face and the disappointment he felt during his loneliest nights. Tim saw great potential in you, considered you more than a rookie, and taking your badge had affected him in a way he never expected. Now, you’re in the FBI, which is news to him, and you’re working on a case that he hasn’t been able to solve even with ten crime scenes to work with.
“What happened?” Lucy tries.
“None of your business, Chen,” he snaps. “That case, Hotchner’s team, all of it stays in the roll call room for now. Understood?”
“Yes, sir.”
A bell chimes above your head as you enter your favorite Los Angeles diner. It’s your first night in the city, and since you don’t know how long you’ll be here, you wanted to revisit it while you had a chance. When you mentioned the diner, your team gave you their orders to bring to the hotel, where they’re currently reviewing the autopsy reports. It feels wrong to leave them, but you sigh in the comfort of a place that once provided you a refuge after long days.
“Old habits?” you ask as you approach the counter.
Tim looks up from the laminate and watches you. You don’t meet his gaze but look at the menu while you wait for the waitress to return. This was your favorite diner when you started at the LAPD, and Tim has never given himself time to wonder why he kept coming back even after you left.
“Something like that,” he says. “So, uh, the FBI. That’s incredible.”
You shrug. “Not what I wanted, but I love it.”
Tim nods, unsure what else to say. You’re not the girl you were on day one in the academy, not even the girl who left the station in tears after washing out. Tim still sees you, the woman who fought for what was right never gave up, and was smarter than she ever realized. That’s not the person he saw your last week on patrol, but he knew you were still in there somewhere.
“How long have you been with the BAU?” he inquires.
The waitress returns, and you take the excuse to not answer Tim. You retrieve your phone from your pocket and read a large order from the screen, then pass a shiny, FBI-issued credit card over the counter.
“It’ll be a few minutes, hun,” the waitress informs as she returns the card. “Feel free to have a seat.”
You thank her and slide onto a stool, ensuring you leave an empty seat between you and Tim.
“Failing to become a police officer was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced,” you confess. “A few months later, Aaron Hotchner knocked on my door. There was a case nearby, a serial rapist who was leaving personalized love letters with every single victim. He found my résumé on a local job board and came to ask for help because of my background. The rest just fell into place, I guess.”
“You get to carry,” Tim points out, gesturing toward the holster on your hip, concealed from everyone else by your shirt. “They don’t let people who just ‘fall into place’ do that.”
“I did everything by the book, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I’m wondering what changed on plain clothes day,” he responds. “You were on track to be an amazing officer, and then that last week, you just… something changed.”
“I did.”
“There’s more to it.”
“There’s really not,” you insist. “If you don’t want to be on this task force-“
“I do. I wish you could see that you have the potential to lead it.”
“Hotch saved my life. I trust him.” Tim understands the part you don’t say: that you trust him more than yourself.
The waitress returns with two full bags, and you stand as you take them from the counter.
“Goodnight, Tim. I’ll see you at the station tomorrow.”
As you leave, the bell chimes over the door again, and Tim hears your voice in his head, the promise of another chance, but he doesn't miss the fact that you leave every time you see each other.
“What if - and hear me out on this - you just told him the truth,” Derek suggests.
You take a drink from a cheap Styrofoam cup and nod. “You’re right, Derek, why didn’t I think of that?”
“You know, most hotel chains serving breakfast fail to maintain proper culinary heat-“
Hotch raises one finger before Spencer can ruin breakfast for everyone. “Don’t.”
“I agree with Morgan,” JJ says. “There’s clearly questions there, and if you explain what happened, he’ll trust you more.”
“And he can deal with some of the guilt,” Hotch grumbles.
“What guilt?” you inquire, pausing with a cheap metal fork in your hand.
“He clearly blames himself for letting you lose your position,” Hotch explains.
“He knows how good you are, so that final week probably doesn’t make any sense to him,” Derek adds.
“He doesn’t,” you mutter. “He told me last night-“
“You saw him last night?” JJ exclaims.
“I ran into him at the diner.”
“He still goes to your diner?” Derek questions.
“It’s just a diner! But I saw him there and he insisted that there was more to what happened than me changing.”
“And you lied to him?” Hotch responds. “It’s over, you can tell him, you can shout it from the top of the Chinese theater.”
“That would be illegal,” Spencer mumbles.
“And wouldn’t change anything,” you add. “We’re here to work a case, not mend a bridge that has been-“ you scramble for the right word before finishing, “disintegrating for nearly a decade.”
Derek groans as he leans back in his seat, and Hotch finally looks up to say, “If this gets in the way of the case, I’ll have Garcia email him everything he needs to know.”
“I’m cutting holes in all of your quarter-zips tonight,” you threaten in return.
Hotch frowns and mouths, You’ll never find them all.
“Good morning,” Sergeant Grey calls as the door closes behind the twentieth and final member of the task force. “SSA Hotchner is going to fill you all in.”
“Thanks for coming in early,” Hotch begins. “There have been no new developments in the case since yesterday, but my team has created a preliminary profile based on the preexisting evidence and details from the first ten victims.”
Your phone buzzes with an incoming call from Garcia, and you exit the room to answer. “Whatcha got for us, gorgeous?”
“Ooh, does Derek know you’re talking to me like this?” she replies, her keyboard clicking in the background.
“Not like he’s competition,” you say with a playful scoff. “Find anything on the deep dive?”
“Nothing inherently helpful. The prelim suspects are all pretty similar, though one of them did alibi out. Carson Gillery was working remotely from Chicago during the second and third murders. Hotel and airline checks corroborate that.”
“I’ll tell Hotch. Anything else?”
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Fine. Why?”
She stops typing suddenly and then inhales sharply.
“Garcia?” You ask.
The line beeps as she disconnects, and a phone on the desk closest to you begins ringing. A Virginia area code appears on the caller ID, and you stretch across the desk to pick up the receiver.
“Penelope?” you ask hurriedly.
“He’s in the data!” she explains, typing again. “He’s not doing much, but someone is overriding minor coding and there was another line tied into our call. I could hear him breathing; thought you were crying at first, but now I’m running a backward search to find this psycho.”
“None of the prelim suspects would know how to do that,” you point out.
“Uh oh,” Penelope breathes. “I think… I think he left you a message.”
“What is it?”
“It’s in the seventh victim’s ME report, overwriting the details of the posthumous wounding to the back. It says 2/18/17… It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”
“Henley,” you murmur, trying to connect the dots as you forget the first half of the message.
“There’s more,” Penelope says. “A copy of your one-way ticket to Virginia with an alternate ID that says, ‘thanks for the perfect opening night.’”
“It’s about me?” you whisper.
“I’m going to trace these messages,” Penelope declares. “You tell Hotch about this, and please, please do not try to investigate this on your own.”
“You got it. But can you send me a scan of page 39, no- 38, from the William Ernest Henley book in my office? I need the annotated copy of Invictus.”
“You got it. Tell Morgan and I said hi and I’m wearing-“
You hang up and take a deep breath as you return the receiver to the cradle.
“Agent Hotchner,” you call as you return. “I need a word.”
“Let me finish-“
“There’s been a development,” you interrupt. “An urgent one.”
Hotch sees the look in your eyes and calls Spencer to the front of the room to continue reviewing the patterns in the killings and to discuss the psychological traits and drivers they suspect the killer will have. Derek watches as Hotch and Grey follow you out of the roll call room. Meanwhile, JJ watches Officer Tim Bradford as he manages to conceal his concern but not his interest as he watches you through the glass walls.
“Garcia called with information on the prelim suspects,” you explain. “Someone tapped into the call, and then… whoever it was started manipulating her date on the FBI server. She did say that Carson Gillery alibied out, he was out of state for several of the murders, but whoever this guy is, he is incredibly close to this case.”
“Manipulated the data how?” Hotch asks.
You wring your fingers together as you answer, “He left a message. Garcia thinks it was for me.”
“Left it where?” Grey inquires.
“The seventh victim Mel Houghton’s autopsy report. It was a date and a line from a William Ernest Henley poem.”
“The date?” Hotch presses.
You inhale deeply before saying, “February 18, 2017.”
“The day you lost your position in the LAPD,” Grey remembers. “What does it mean?”
You look toward Hotch, and he shakes his head twice. There isn’t an obvious answer to Grey’s question, but the implication that this case has something to do with you isn’t good.
“He… he also had a picture of my plane ticket to Virginia and added a note, something about ‘thanks for the opening night,’” you add. “Hotch, if you have to take me off this case-“
“We need you,” he interjects. “The literary aspect of this case is progressing.”
“Does that mean we could limit our suspect search?” Wade asks, looking between you and Hotch.
“Not likely,” you reply with a sigh. “Plenty of literature enjoyers can’t be located purely based on that. There’s no evidence he’s educated or active in book clubs, debates, anything.”
“Garcia’s tracing the data changes?” Hotch assumes.
“Yes, sir.”
“Then we work what we can until she gets back to us.”
“I need to see the novellas left with the victims,” you request. Hotch begins to speak, and you add, “Not the scans, the actual, physical stories left with their bodies.”
“I’ll get someone to go through the evidence with you,” Wade assures. “Any preference?”
You look into the roll call room through the glass sheeting, your eyes drifting past Tim as you decide, “Officer Chen, please.”
Wade nods once, then returns to the podium inside as Spencer concludes his comments on the psychology of the killer’s modus operandi.
“What are you expecting to find?” Hotch asks you.
“I really wish I knew,” you answer softly. “Hotch, what if this is all my fault?”
“The delusions of a killer have nothing to do with you. If something you did as an officer triggered him to start, there is no reason to assume he wouldn’t have started later. He’s clearly reality-challenged, living in a space between this world and the events of his imagination, and that is not on you.”
You nod, rubbing your forehead as you think. “Literature is clearly important to him. If it comes to it, will you let me go with JJ to a press conference?”
Hotch hesitates, and you know he doesn’t like the idea of putting his team in public view, unless absolutely necessary, but he says, “Fine. Only if it gets that far.”
“Hotch? February 2017 had massive storms. Urban flooding, mudslides, wind, snowfall, there was mayhem that week. I mean, a police chase with a DUI driver, a car fell into a sinkhole. I used some of those cases to…” You trail off, remembering all of the things you did wrong.
“Talk to me,” Hotch encourages.
“Any one of the people who had contact with the LAPD that weekend could have been pushed over the edge. He could have been killing for seven years, since whatever happened, but just got bold and brazen enough to make it public.”
Hotch leaves your side for a moment to wave Spencer out. When he joins you and Hotch in the bullpen, Hotch gestures for you to explain your theory.
“I suppose,” Spencer muses. “The killings have progressed minimally since the first victim three months ago. It does point toward a more practiced unsub, someone who has, in their mind, perfected their method. Yes, it’s completely possible.”
“The books,” Hotch points out. “Those are new. Unsolved cases with novellas or poems shoved down victims’ throats would have caught someone’s attention by now.”
“Serial killers gain experience with each new offense,” Spencer explains. “The learning curve is steep because of the logistics it takes to commit a murder. If he’s been killing without being caught, the thrill of killing would empower him to take more chances. In this case, the trophy aspect of his MO could easily have changed, but his idiosyncratic psychological needs remain the same.”
“We don’t have enough people to comb through seven years of cold cases to find similar killings,” you lament.
“We do have the media,” JJ interjects, sliding her phone into her pocket as she approaches. “It’s a long shot, but if we could find one or two, would it be enough to complete a profile?”
“An estimate of how long he’s been at this, with Garcia’s trace and the analysis of the literature at the scene… Yes, we could establish a firm MO and improve the unsub’s psychological profile.”
“Hold on,” Derek urges into his phone as he joins the rest of your team. He looks at you and says, “Give me your phone.”
You pass it to him, and he flips it in his free hand as he listens. He gives you an apologetic look and then drops it.
“Morgan!” Hotch exclaims as Derek brings the heel of his boot down on your phone screen.
“Unless Penelope told you to do that, I’m going to be very mad,” you say.
“Alright, baby girl, tell us all,” Derek requests as he puts his phone on speaker.
“I found our guy, or his IP address at least,” Penelope says.
“And?” Hotch asks. “Where is he?”
“That’s the thing. He’s in an apartment a few miles from the station.”
You recite your previous address and Penelope murmurs, “That’s the one.”
Penelope explains how she traced his data trail before you interrupt to ask, “Is there anything about another cop in it?”
“Uh, there were some numbers,” she answers.
“34381?” you guess. “And 6147?”
“Amongst others, yeah. Do they mean something to you?”
“One is Officer Bradford’s badge number. The other is Sergeant Kenneth Adamson.”
“I’ll run the rest of the numbers against the LAPD database and get back to you.”
“Are all of our phones in need of stomping?” Spencer asks before Penelope hangs up.
“Not yet,” she replies, and then the line clicks.
“Running everything is going to take too long,” you complain. “He’s probably already targeted his next victim. He could be writing the novella for all we know!”
“His system is organized,” Spencer explains. “We can use that. The past victims have been a week or more apart. Even if he does change his timeline because we’re here, he needs time to plan, write, correct?”
“Yes,” you answer. “He could do it overnight if the circumstances called for it.”
“Assuming he’ll take a break between kills, however…”
“We have two days,” Derek concludes. “Let’s hope he’s not too organized, doc.”
“He’s a criminal,” JJ says. “They all get stupid and forgetful.”
“We don’t change anything. He’s changing the rules, pushing himself, but we’re not playing his game,” Hotch says. “And, for the moment, we keep the LAPD connection to ourselves.”
“What if they could help?” JJ argues.
“No.”
“Act like we have a week, and he won’t expect us to be ready to go,” you say. “In that case, I’ll start analyzing the literature.”
“Speaking of which.” JJ pulls a paper from her bag and says, “The homicide detective said CSI found this on a secondary scene analysis.”
You read the scan of the evidence, and your eyes widen as you look up at Derek. “Good thing you came with. He’s building a bomb.”
“Whoa,” Derek says with little intonation in his voice, but his hands raise as he moves his head in surprise. “Explain the progression from writing stories to bombs.”
“Postmodern literature is the most recent literary movement that contains vulgarity in diction and violence. It’s often used as an authentic portrayal of humanity, depicting violence against gender, race, and the human body,” Spencer answers. “Epic poetry was one of the first storytelling forms to depict interpersonal violence.”
Derek rolls his eyes at Spencer’s reply to the rhetorical question, and you add, “The Victorian literary period was marked by violence through the use of suffering and physical dangers as literary themes. The gothic genre aestheticized the darker elements of human life, explored sexual violence, dramatic monologues, and realistic violence like robbery, beheadings, even serial murders.”
“Which affects us how?” Hotch inquires.
“William Ernest Henley was a prominent figure in the later years of the Victorian movement. He sent lines from Invictus to Garcia, and that piece has been the poem of choice for extremists and terrorists to justify their violence in the last few years. There is some hardship beyond our killer’s control, and this is how he’s dealing with it.”
“Still doubting your hypothesis?” Hotch deadpans.
“Wouldn’t he have to stop all of the suffering somehow?” JJ asks.
“Yes. But he hasn’t decided on an endgame yet, we’ll see the signs of that when it comes. The beginning of a plan for a bomb isn’t concerning yet. For now, we continue as planned, but he will likely strike again in 24 to 48 hours.”
“They’re getting concerned,” Derek whispers, waving toward the roll call room.
“I’ll handle them. You have your assignments,” Hotch states. “We reconvene tonight after end of shift.”
“Yes, sir,” you agree with the rest of your team.
As you return to the roll call room between JJ and Derek, you keep your eyes on the front of the room, ignoring how Tim turns to look at you. Hotch gives an acceptable excuse for your team’s private meeting and then provides tasks with Sergeant Wade.
“What about me?” Lucy asks as the other officers exit into the bullpen.
“You’re with me,” you reply, stepping toward her as you smile. “If that’s okay.”
“Yes!” Lucy cheers. She clears her throat and amends, “Yes, of course, I’d love to help.”
“Keep me updated,” Hotch tells you.
“Yes, sir. Oh, and…” You move your fingers in a scissor motion to remind him of your previous threat before concluding, “Spencer has the information you asked for.”
Hotch nods once, and Wade smiles. Suddenly, you’re hit with the feeling of being torn apart, stuck between the life you wanted and the one you have. When the case is solved and the killer is behind bars, you’ll have to leave these people again. At least you’ve finally remembered that planes travel both ways.
“Ten victims,” you say as you pin the last picture to the bulletin board in the office you and Lucy have set up. “Six novellas, a book, two pamphlets, and a bloody poem.”
Lucy’s eyes follow the red thread connecting the victims to their evidence and the order of the killings as you stare at the T.S. Eliot poem from the fifth scene with your hands on your hips.
Plus, a William Ernest Henley poem meant to bring me into the killer’s world, you think.
“Ready?” you ask Lucy.
“Yes, ma’am.”
You laugh and invite her to use your first name, then spread the evidence pictures from the first murder on the metal desk. It isn’t the same as reviewing the physical books and poems, the thick paper holding the twisted ideas of a serial killer left warm from the printer beside the lives he claimed for the sake of his own story. It’s the best you can do for now.
“Janice Davis, our first victim. The killer stapled a San Diego Zoo pamphlet to her chest.” You flip through the case file and add, “Antemortem. Ouch.”
“That looks like a building staple,” Lucy muses, leaning over the picture.
“It is. Your forensics lab determined it’s a Powernail galvanized seven-eighths inch crown staple. Intended purpose is woodworking and flooring, and one side of the staple extends out at an angle, so even if she was conscious long enough to try removing it… well, it would’ve hurt more to take it out.”
“What was the cause of death?”
“Unknown,” you read, furrowing your brows. “Manner of death: homicide. But it looks like they couldn’t determine the cause. Any chance ME Daniella Smith is still around?”
“I don’t know,” Lucy confesses. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. Sorry, you’re good at this, I keep forgetting you’re a rookie.”
“That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever told me.”
You smile, then return to the evidence before you. “The next victim, Gregory Hunter, was found with a copy of Orwell’s Animal Farm open beneath his head. The page, as far as I can tell, is irrelevant.”
“Then what’s the point of leaving it there?”
“Hunter was Davis’s boss, and apparently they had been involved a few years prior to working together. Animal Farm presents Orwell’s ideas on power, equality, socialism and corruption.”
“All things the San Diego Zoo has been accused of abusing throughout history,” Lucy adds. “Along with the animals.”
“Precisely. Then it wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that our killer was wronged by a failing class structure, abuse of power and control, inequality, or socialism.”
“That’s a lot of options.”
“Which is why we keep looking. Victim number three had a personalized novella…”
“The method of killing has been consistent with every victim. They’re injured, kept alive for three to twelve hours, and then killed. Janice Davis, victim one, was ruled as undetermined cause of death, but there was no evidence of blunt force trauma, gunshot wounds or poisoning, which we’d expect based on the sudden killings of the others,” Spencer explains.
“You can tune him out,” Derek whispers. “When his voice drops an octave, he’s about to ask a question.”
Tim nods, but he wasn’t listening to begin with. His mind keeps drifting to thoughts of you. He watched you talk to your team, has worked with you, and knows the depth of your talent and potential. Yet he continues to wonder how you truly came to work at such an elite division in the FBI and what you’re hiding.
“Do any of you have experience with crime scene investigation?” Spencer asks.
Several officers raise their hands, including Angela. Tim has guarded scenes and looked around on his own time, but he isn’t sure when his unique skills will be required for this case.
“Morgan,” Hotch calls from the doorway. “Take an officer to gather the literary evidence. Someone with a station ID has to sign it out for us.” He looks towards the front of the room and sighs. “And tell Spencer to wrap it up.”
“Doctor Morgan,” Derek calls as he stands. “Perhaps we should move on to the evidence snapshots and physical profile?”
Spencer nods and shifts his attention to the tools and proposed appearance of the killer.
“I’ve got a station ID,” Tim tells Derek. “If you need that evidence now.”
Derek sighs but waves for Tim to join him. He remains quiet while they walk to the evidence lockers, largely because he’s evaluating Tim. Derek knows about your time in Los Angeles, and even if he did encourage you to talk to Tim, he isn’t sure if Tim deserves your time.
“You were military?” Derek asks as they wait for the evidence to be thoroughly signed out and accounted for.
“Army,” Tim responds. “FBI always the goal for you?”
“Oh, nah, I started as a cop up in Chicago. Things just happened.”
“Seems to be a lot of that,” Tim murmurs, remembering your ‘fell into place’ excuse.
“Why be a TO?”
Tim shrugs. He’s never had a good answer for that question, and if he starts thinking, he might get caught up on his fifth washout.
“Special Agent Morgan,” the evidence officer says as he places a large box on the ledge. “Your supervisor has to sign this form upon evidence return.”
“Got it. Thank you.”
Derek picks up the box and steps back, but the officer places another box behind it. Tim takes it without a word and follows Derek to an office with a closed door.
He taps his foot against the door and calls, “Open up, pretty girl, these muscles are just for show!”
You smile as you open the door, and Tim clenches his jaw at the realization that Derek Morgan just called you ‘pretty girl.’
“I fear you’ve mistaken me for Penelope,” you tell him as you hold the door. “Thank you so much.”
Tim nods as he places the box down, and then looks at the case board.
“Oh, Tim,” Lucy says. “Do you know if ME Daniella Smith is still working?”
“She retired,” Tim replies.
You drop your shoulders and nod. “Thanks.”
“I can get her address and phone number, though,” he offers, partially to help and partially because he hates how disappointed you look.
“That would be amazing!” you reply happily. “Lucy, feel free to go with him, move around for a few minutes.”
Lucy follows Tim, and you close the door to talk to Derek. You explain that the literature points toward class structure, abuse of power, or socialism.
“Maybe he should move to Canada instead of killing then,” Derek muses. “Have you told Hotch?”
“Not yet. There’s also the string of violence in the literature. At first, it was metaphorical violence, a symbolic representation of the dangers of power in society, but it’s gotten more blatant, more Victorian in its realism.”
“The novellas?” he guesses.
“I haven’t gotten to read them in their entirety yet, I’ll start that now, but I’d guess he’s outlining his preferred method of violence as well as the reason.”
“Think it will shed some light on the explosives schematics? Which, by the way, are pretty weak. A bomb like that would be hard pressed to flip a Prius, it wouldn’t do major damage unless it was an incredibly confined space.”
“Ask Spencer what he thinks about the space,” you suggest. “The killings have been in relatively open spaces, but he’d know better than me if it means anything.”
“I’ll run it by him if I can get a word in.”
You laugh at Derek’s joke, but he turns serious again to ask, “Are you okay? I know this can’t be easy for you, working a case here after seven years.”
“I’m okay,” you promise. “I’ll let you know if that changes and I need a Morgan hug.”
Derek smiles as he opens the door, and Tim and Lucy return soon after.
“She lives three miles from here and said she’d talk to you,” Lucy relays.
“Let me tell my team.”
Tim raises a hand to stop you as you gather your things and repeats, “She said she’d talk to you. She recognized your name.”
“Oh.” Hotch walks by the door, and you step out quickly to explain, “I found the ME who couldn’t determine Janice Davis’s cause of death. She’s retired, but lives nearby and agreed to talk to me, but only me.”
Hotch weighs his options, but when he sees Tim behind you, he suggests, “Then you should probably take your TO.”
Your eyes widen in shock, but you trust Hotch, so you nod and step back into the office.
“You don’t have to,” you begin as Tim asks, “Ready?”
You fail to find the right words for several moments, then say, “Lucy, do you want to help Agent Morgan review crime scenes for construction and security?”
“Sure! Let me know if you need more help with this stuff when you get back,” she responds. “Good luck!”
“Thanks,” you say, though you think I’ll need it.
“Do you want to drive or should I?” Tim asks once you’re alone.
You lift keys from your pocket and say, “I will. Do you think Smith will be any help?”
“We can hope.”
“Can I address the elephant in the room?” Sergeant Grey asks.
“Be my guest,” Hotch answers, not looking up from his improved profile.
“Bradford isn’t operating at his usual level.”
“She is.”
“Which is why I think there may be more to his side of the story.”
Hotch looks up to propose, “You think he had something to do with Adamson’s misconduct?”
“No,” Wade assures, “nothing like that. But two days of fire-able offenses and not a single correction from her TO? Bradford either didn’t care that she gave up or, for some reason, he wasn’t in a position to.”
“The corruption we found ran deep. There’s a chance he was hoping to get a piece of the takeaway… or he was in a similar position to her.” Hotch reaches for his phone quickly after he speaks and raises it to his ear. “Garcia, I need you to run the badge numbers again. Tell me how many of them had a direct connection to Keith Adamson.”
“One second,” Penelope requests. “Software’s running it now. Oh, the medical examiner, Smith, she resigned less than an hour after the charges against Adamson came in. Thought that was interesting.”
“That’s one connection.”
“Okay, yep, all ten of the badge numbers embedded in the coding have connections to Adamson. Seven subordinates, his captain, and two IA investigators.”
“Thanks, Garcia.” Hotch ends the call and tells Wade, “Whatever Adamson did, it wasn’t just skimming the evidence pile, it pushed our killer over the edge.”
“I remember Janice Davis,” Daniella Smith says as she passes you a mug of hot tea. “She was young, twenty-six, I believe, and had a construction staple in her sternum.”
“Your official report listed the cause of death as indiscernible,” you reply, wrapping your hands around the mug as your thigh presses against Tim’s on the small settee. “Do you remember if you may have had any hypotheses?”
Daniella sighs as she lowers into a chair across from you. “It was asphyxiation. Her mouth was sealed with superglue, and she couldn't get enough air after a few hours of lying horizontally.”
Tim looks at you before demanding, “Why didn’t you put that in the report?”
“I was scared.”
“And you think the people living here weren’t?”
“Tim,” you whisper harshly. You shake your head as Daniella shrinks in her seat. “Why were you scared, Ms. Harris?” She shakes slightly, and you give her a moment to breathe before you ask, “Did someone at the police station ask you to lie?”
She laughs once, a sad sound before she wipes her nose and corrects, “He threatened me if I didn’t.”
“Who?” Tim asks.
“Sergeant Keith Adamson. He was the watch commander at the time. My career, my life, my marriage, he threatened to ruin it all if I didn’t cover up how she was killed.”
“Was there residue?” you inquire. “From the superglue?”
“There were trace amounts, and the lab was able to identify it easily.”
“It was the only death to be covered up, why do you think that is?”
Daniella looks up quickly, her eyes wide as she states, “Because it was an experiment. The others were killed more conventional, faster: a slit throat, hammer to the temple. Her death would have taken time.”
“Was the time of death in your report accurate?” you ask. “Because it was around the same time as the others even with the changed MO.”
“It was,” she explains, “he must have taken her earlier to get a head start.”
“You said it was an experiment,” Tim repeats. “She was victim number one. If it didn’t go well, wouldn’t the others have just been an improved, or changed, MO?”
Daniella frowns, and you lean forward to ask, “How many more were there?”
Tim slams the passenger door as you return to the car. Daniella disappears from the front window, crying as you start the engine.
“The FBI will charge me if this car gets damaged,” you mumble as you shift into reverse.
“Thirty deaths that she knows of!” Tim exclaims. “How could she cover all of those up?”
“Pretty easily. Self-preservation is a powerful motivator.”
“This monster has been at it for years. You were probably on the job for some of his murders, how can you say that?”
“It’s not my place to judge everyone involved in this case, Tim. Not yours either.”
Tim scoffs, but he’s interrupted by your phone ringing. You answer by saying your last name and Hotch’s voice fills the car as he speaks.
“There’s been another murder,” he says. You slap the steering wheel before he continues, “A double murder. I’m sending you the address. Drop Bradford at the station and meet us there.”
“Yes, sir.”
After the call ends, you grit your teeth to keep yourself from yelling. You spent too much time with the retired ME, and two more people are dead now.
“I’m going with you,” Tim states.
“No, you’re not. You heard him, you’re going back to the station.”
“You need me-“
“Actually, we don’t. We have jurisdiction now, Tim,” you snap.
“Do they know about everything you did your last week on the job?” Tim challenges. “How you ignored calls, put yourself, and me, in danger just to let the clearly guilty criminals go? I mean, you let a guy get away with assault and your handcuffs!”
You don’t reply because your mind begins racing. You had forgotten about that specific incident. Your last two days on the job were a blur, just forty-eight hours you have done everything you could to forget.
“Alexander Riley,” you murmur.
“What?” Tim snaps.
“Nothing, Tim. I’m sorry you’re not happy, but you don’t have authorization to join me, and I’m done breaking the rules.”
“Convenient.”
You hit the brakes too hard as you stop outside the back entrance of the station. Tim slams the door again before he walks inside, and you shift into park to call Derek.
“Are you still at the station?” you ask when he answers.
“We’re about to leave,” he replies. “Did you beat us to the scene? You know speed limits still apply to federal agents, right?”
“No, I’m at the station too. I need you to - without raising suspicion - get Hotch and Sergeant Grey out here.”
“Okay,” he agrees slowly. “Why?”
“Because I think I know who the killer is. Bring the novella from the ninth scene, it’s Heralded Angels.”
“You got it.”
You can hear the strain in Derek’s voice, but there’s too much on your mind to dwell on his reaction right now. After Hotch, JJ, Derek, and Spencer join you in the FBI-issued SUV, you follow Sergeant Grey, driving an unmarked car, to the double murder scene.
“You had something for me?” Grey asks as you approach the townhouse.
“I do. Trust me for a few more minutes and I’ll tell you everything?”
Wade nods, and you enter the bloody living room with your team. JJ waits outside, and as you squat beside a bookcase covered in blood splatter, you know you’re right.
“Alexander Riley,” you announce, pushing against your knees to stand. “I think he’s our killer.”
“Why?” Spencer asks. “Wait, who?”
“Alexander Riley is one of the men I should have arrested my last week as a rookie.” You look toward Wade as you continue, “He assaulted a store owner while looting during a flood, and I let him get away. He ran away with my handcuffs, but I didn’t try to stop him because I was sure Sergeant Adamson would have used it against me.”
“Abuse of power,” Hotch deduces.
“Right, and class system. You know, cop doesn’t do what cop is supposed to do. So, he may have taken his escape as a sign that something needed to change.”
“Based on his killings, I’d agree that he saw a wrong that needed to be fixed, but why murder?” Wade asks. “How does that fit his idea of making things right, evening everything?”
“He chose victims he viewed as outliers,” Spencer explains. “The first two victims were romantically involved, and then she got a job in his company.”
“The fifth victim was a single man with adopted children, and he left a copy of T.S. Eliot’s ‘The Hollow Men,’” you add. “He went after people who didn’t fit into our traditional class system or who benefitted from misused power. And, if that isn’t enough… there’s an extra novella in here.”
“What?” Hotch and Wade say, stepping toward you simultaneously.
“It’s a little bloody, but the words cop, dirty, and corrected system are showing up pretty well. My name’s on the first page, and I’d guess it’s on the last, too.”
“He’s going to target you?” Derek translates. “That’s not okay.”
“We need to find him first,” you reply. “He’s not going to press pause until he can get to me, he thinks he has to fix the entire world.”
“I’ll get a BOLO out,” Wade offers.
“Wait, Sergeant Grey,” Hotch calls. “I think this should come from us.” He turns toward you and adds, “It would mean more from you.”
“I’ll do it. Although, some of those cops aren’t going to like hearing that I had something to do with it.”
“Just send ‘em my way,” Derek jokes.
“Our profile is complete,” you begin, looking at the entire task force. “And we’ve used that profile, along with scene evidence, literary analysis, and previous arrest records to identify Alexander Riley as our killer. Sergeant Grey has posted a BOLO, and we’d like to send you out in patrol teams to assist in the search for Riley.”
Tim has his folder open, and you’re sure he’s reading the incident report filed after you let Riley get away.
“Maybe you should get out there and find him instead of sitting in our station and reading,” he snarks, closing his folder.
“Bradford,” Wade begins.
“No, it’s okay,” you assure. “I will be assisting in the search, and I will admit that my incompetence likely played a role in Mr. Riley’s progression from petty thief to serial killer. However, we have reason to believe he was killing in private long before he felt the need to leave his victims in plain view for Los Angeles and all of America to see.”
“Officer Bradford, he listed you by name in the novella left at Liza Renner’s murder,” Hotch interjects. “Do you know why he may have done that?”
“No idea. Sir.”
“I’d appreciate if you would stay and help review the story to find an idea, then.”
You look between Hotch and Tim quickly, but their icy stares make you look away before you continue explaining what the manhunt entails and how the FBI will assist.
“Be safe out there,” you conclude.
As officers stand and leave, Hotch and Wade walk to Tim’s side, and then all three of them exit through a different exit.
“That was fun,” you mumble to Derek.
“On the bright side, no one has been publicly executed in the US since 1936, so it’s unlikely you’ll be burned at the stake,” Spencer says.
“That is bright,” you respond. “Thanks, Reid.”
An officer asks for your assistance and leads you to an observation room. Your eyes widen when you realize Tim and Hotch are on the other side of the glass in an interview room. Rushing into the room, you’re surprised when Hotch invites you to take a seat. As the door closes, Tim clenches his fists and begins to stand.
“Sit down,” Hotch demands, unmoving as Tim rises from his chair. Tim turns, face-to-face with Hotch. “Sit down,” Hotch repeats, quieter yet firmer.
Tim falls back into his seat and crosses his arms to stare at you.
“You can blame me if you want,” you offer. “But it won’t change anything. Twelve people are dead because of me.”
“Then why is my rookie still patrolling the streets of LA looking for the man your team decided did this? Hotch here covering for you again?” Tim challenges.
“Shut up,” Hotch says as he sits beside you, across the Table from Tim.
“Kenneth Adamson,” you say. “Do you have any idea of what he did?”
“Fired you for taking the easy way out when you decided you didn’t want to be a cop anymore?”
“Intimidated me,” you reply. “Got indicted for it, but it was never made public knowledge because ‘he was facing enough personal and professional issues for the widespread results of his corruption.’ Good excuse, right? Tim, I happened to be the person who put cuffs on Alexander Riley and allowed his delusion to take over. I didn’t mean to turn him into a serial killer, but I still feel like I have blood on my hands.”
“Wait,” Tim requests, raising his hand. “Adamson intimidated you?”
“Yes.”
“You could have told me.”
You scoff, and Hotch raises his brows. “Like you would have believed me,” you reply.
Tim leans across the table, ignoring how Hotch moves closer to you, protective and ready to finish this case.
“He intimidated me too,” Tim confesses. “We should have told each other, but we messed up, and I’m sorry for that. Adamson was going to tell IA about something I did in the Army and twist it to get me fired if I didn’t find a way to get you off the force. Then you suddenly stopped trying and I thought… I guess I didn’t think about it, or I would’ve seen it.”
You look at Hotch, who shrugs. There likely isn’t proof that Adamson did to Tim what he did to you, but you have to make a choice. You can believe Tim Bradford or walk away.
“I caught him stealing evidence,” you say. “Skimming money from scenes before CSI got there, pulling jewelry from robbed houses, little things he didn’t think anyone would miss. When I saw him outright lie to a victim who only wanted her late mother’s locket back, I said something. And he was going to make my life a waking hell for it. So, I did what he asked and threw away my career.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your apologies, Tim. I want you to help me find Alexander Riley and put cuffs on him before he goes after another innocent person, because there is nothing to stop him from progressing to killing cops he sees as corrupt. We kept it from the other officers because of that, so please don’t make me regret trusting you.”
Tim nods and murmurs another apology. You read his lips as he says it, and when Hotch stands, you’re prepared to accept it.
“One more out of line comment and you’re off this task force, Officer Bradford,” Hotch says as he buttons his blazer.
“Yes, sir. I’ll do everything I can to assist you.”
“Do you know why Riley would have used your name as a cursed wanderer in Liza Renner’s novella?” you ask, standing beside Hotch.
“Cursed wanderer?” Tim repeats.
“Remorseful, unabsolved character tormented by their fate and their actions.”
“He must not remember you well,” Hotch tells Tim.
“He’s not a very good writer,” Spencer mutters as he flips the page of one of Alexander Riley’s novellas.
“Maybe we should find a way to charge him for that too,” Derek grumbles. “I mean, ‘Tim Bradford carried the weight of his sins, heavier than the Kevlar on his chest. Each day he was forced to face the memories of how he’d failed his partner, the only woman he may ever love, but would never deserve.’ That’s awful.”
You and Tim turn to face each other quickly, each wondering if you heard what Derek read correctly.
“Derek, does that- when you read it, does it seem like he’s saying his partner is the only woman he’d ever love? Same person?” you ask.
“Yeah. You.”
“That’s what I got too,” JJ agrees. “There’s characters in the third novella that look exactly like the two of you, but they’re married. Doomed by the narrative to watch each other die, but…”
“Are there characters like that in all of them?” Hotch asks.
The sound of papers flipping precedes several firm answers of “Yes.”
“They always die?” you add. “But he doesn’t know. He sees a relationship that isn’t there.”
Tim doesn’t say anything, but you ignore him as you ask JJ to use her laptop. After signing in to your email, you pull up the scans Penelope sent you from the books in your office.
“In the clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed,” you read. “Black as the pit from pole to pole.”
“Are you gonna explain it or is this like Jeopardy?” Derek questions.
“He doesn’t portray our characters as corrupt,” you cheer. “We’re unfortunate, ‘doomed by the narrative’ players in a bigger game. I need the newest novella, the extra one from the double homicide scene.”
Wade knocks on the open door as you look through the evidence boxes on the table. He glances between you and Bradford before he asks, “Have any of you heard from Lopez and West?”
“They’re revisiting the last scene,” Hotch says. “They haven’t checked in?”
“Not recently.”
Tim looks at you, and when you meet his eyes, he offers, “We’ll find them.”
“Be careful,” Wade implores. “And keep me updated.”
“Can you do me a favor?” you ask.
“Anything,” JJ and Derek answer together.
“Look for any sign of restoration or avenging. It’ll probably be in the first novella, but I need to know if my character in his story is avenged somehow.”
“Revenge is a psychological response to wounds from others,” Spencer says. “Why would he be motivated to retaliate and justify this level of violence for you, if you’re the one who did wrong?”
“I think he may have changed his motives after Keith Adamson was indicted. If you find something, let me know, if not, Hotch probably has a better idea.”
You follow Tim to an unmarked car and ride in the passenger seat like you’ve pressed play after seven long years of having this part of your life on pause. Somehow, it feels better than before.
Tim's radio crackles as he makes the last turn to reach the crime scene.
“07-Adam-07,” Angela radios. “Sergeant Bradford, contact on channel 3.”
Tim changes the dial to channel 5 as he slows on the curb. You point to the dial, and he raises a thumb to tell you it wasn’t an accident.
“07-Adam-19,” he replies. “Go ahead, Lopez.”
“I think we found something that might be helpful to the detectives. Meet me at the scene and see if you agree?”
“I was already on the way. To tell you the truth, I don’t trust the feds. ETA two minutes.”
Tim returns his radio to the dash and then sits back to wait.
“Don’t trust the feds, huh?” you ask, smiling as he rolls his eyes.
“You really think he realized we were just as aggrieved as him?” Tim asks.
“Big word,” you murmur before dodging Tim’s weak backhand. “Why else would he keep us in the grand story he’s trying to write?”
“You said your character died in the new one.”
“All I saw was my name. I made an assumption without enough evidence. It was stupid.”
“Welcome to the club.”
Your phone buzzes, and you shake your head as you read the message from Penelope. “FBI tech guru Garcia hacked into the house’s security system. She’s got cameras inside. Riley has Lopez and West holed up in the master bathroom. My team and your watch commander are watching, ready to breach if this doesn’t go well.”
“You think it will?”
“I think Derek is going to be very mad after I do something reckless. That’s how it usually goes.”
Tim clears his throat awkwardly, then asks, “Are you and Morgan…?”
“No,” you answer with a laugh. “He’s just one of the many protective men I work with.”
“It’s been a minute and a half,” Tim says, changing the subject and breathing a little easier. “Are you ready?”
“I hope so.”
You exit the passenger seat as Tim pops the trunk. He passes you an LAPD bulletproof vest and a standard-issue belt to help you look more like a cop and less like a fed. After pulling the vest over your head, you struggle to get the belt in place beneath it. Tim gently takes it from you, his hands moving carefully around your waist as he clips the tactical buckle and slides the gun holster to its correct position.
“Thanks,” you whisper as he straightens, mere inches from you.
Tim drops his hands away from your sides but doesn’t move away. “Channel 3 is Lopez’s code,” he explains. “She only uses it when something’s wrong.”
Your phone buzzes again, and you turn away from Tim to answer it. “Hello?”
“Riley is armed,” Hotch says. “He’s got Lopez and West in the master bedroom on the ground floor. They’re uninjured, but he’s fidgety.”
“Did Derek ask Spencer about the bomb?”
“He did,” Spencer replies. Hotch’s phone is likely on speaker, and you turn your phone to allow Tim to hear too. “The bomb schematics were for a very closed-in space… like the townhouse you’re about to go into. It’s not incredibly enclosed, but given that Riley has issues with control, it could be a manifestation of claustrophobia. If his anxiety has caused a fear of enclosed spaces, based on the fear of losing control in those spaces, then he may be attempting to overcome that by giving himself power in the situation.”
“Could he be a cleithrophobe?” Tim wonders.
“What is that?” Derek asks, and you can imagine him looking around Wade’s office.
“I haven’t seen evidence of it,” Spencer answers. “He doesn’t seem to mind being closed in; the murders in the townhouse didn’t seem to affect him, but he is clearly concerned with power, control, and the hierarchy of those. It relates more to claustrophobia. Though I wouldn’t advise locking any doors to test it.”
You hang up suddenly and gesture to the townhouse. Tim looks up in time to see the curtain in an upstairs room fall back into place. He takes the lead, walking to the door with purpose and his hand on his gun. You follow him and look around the front porch for any sign that Riley is planning to kill anyone today.
Tim pushes the door open carefully, nodding to tell you it is unlocked before Angela calls his name. The novella with your name in it is still by the bookcase, and you remove it from the evidence bag and slide it under your vest. You trade places with Tim, going up the stairs first as he covers you. At the top of the landing, Alexander Riley steps out into the hallway with a gun strapped around his shoulders.
“You made it,” he says.
“We’re here to help, Riley,” you explain softly, holding your hands where he can see them. “You know that.”
He nods before jerking his head toward the doorway. You walk past him and stop in the center of the bedroom, scanning Angela and Jackson for any wounds. Luckily, they appear to be fine other than the handcuffs secured around their wrists.
“What’s the plan here?” Tim asks. “Not much room for error, Mr. Riley.”
“Give me your gun,” Alexander replies, holding his rifle with one hand as he extends the other toward Tim.
Tim complies, but his glance at you is a clear communication to not surrender your FBI-issued piece.
“Against the wall,” Alexander tells Tim. “You’re right, there isn’t room for error. But I’m prepared. I’ve been preparing since I lost everything.”
Tim sits against the wall, less than a foot from Angela. Alexander turns toward you, and his gaze softens. You were right, it seems. Alexander Riley has a soft spot for you; he thinks you’re like him, wronged by corruption and abused power, and you’re going to work that soft spot until he’s in cuffs.
“Take your vest off,” he requests. “Please.”
You don’t move but look pointedly at his gun before raising your eyes to his face.
“I won’t hurt you.”
Despite your instinct to refuse, to call in the cavalry and help Tim incapacitate the killer before you, there is too much at stake, and the longer you’re compliant, the longer Riley will keep everyone alive. So, you pull the vest over your head, not bothering to catch the novella as it falls to the floor, the blood on the cover contrasting the neutral carpet below your feet.
Back at the station, Hotch clenches his jaw as you open yourself to Riley, and Derek says, “Don’t do it… I might kill her for that.”
“You wrote it, right?” you ask, gesturing toward the stapled manuscript. “You wrote all of them.”
Riley fidgets, then nods.
You step toward him, keeping your expression soft and conveying understanding as you add, “I read some of them. They’re good, Alex. Can I call you Alex, or do you go by something else?”
“Alex is fine,” he replies, whispering your name under his breath like a prayer.
Tim shifts as Alexander’s attention changes slightly, morphing from a fierce protector into someone who wants to be by your side after you’ve been saved. You don’t spare a glance toward Tim, and for a brief moment, he wonders where you learned to do this. Then reality crashes back in like a wave that knocks Tim off his feet, the reminder that he could have taught you if he hadn’t let Keith Adamson get to him.
“In Brightest Day, you wrote a character who was a young cop, naïve and desperate to do the best thing,” you continue. “Who was she?”
“You know who,” Alex mutters.
You smile and ask, “Was I in all of them?”
“Of course.”
“That’s why you went to my old apartment before you sent the message to my friend in the FBI? Because I’m part of this? No, because you’re improving the character, right?”
“You were so far away,” he whispers.
“Alex, did you learn how to code just to talk to me?” you inquire softly.
He nods, then looks to the novella at your feet. The toes of your boots are inches from the paper, and his mouth twitches like he wants you away from it.
“Kick it,” he demands.
“Why? It’s art, it’s part of your soul,” you argue.
“Kick it.”
Tim nods in your peripheral, and you swallow before kicking it toward the door. Alex doesn’t hesitate to shoot the paper. You turn away from the noise, covering your ears even though it’s too late to keep your head from pounding. As the noise fades and your hearing returns, you see the shredded paper surrounding the hole in the floor.
“How does the story end, Alex?” you ask, stepping toward him again. “Are you like the truck drivers in Animal Farm? The cursed wanderer in Render Down you wrote for Liza? Or are you some new character that only cares about usurping the power for yourself?”
“It was never about me!” he replies, louder than you’ve heard him before. He softens his voice to repeat, “Never.”
“She was mine first,” Tim interjects suddenly.
Alex spins on his heel, the barrel of his rifle rising as he faces Tim. You shake your head wildly, desperate to stop him from saying something that will make Alex pull the trigger again. Angela looks down quickly, and you see her gun beneath the bed. As Alex’s chest heaves, his eyes locked unblinking on Tim’s, you move closer to the weapon, to Alex, and to freedom where you all walk out of here alive.
“I was saving her!” Alex roars. “From corruption, from Adamson, from you!”
“Adamson is the only one who hurt her,” Tim argues.
“February 17, 2017. You took your rookie to a noise disturbance call, and when you got there, four stupid young men were looting a flooded store during a break in the storms. She handcuffed one of them, but the rest ran. Then… then you started yelling at her, blaming her for all of it. While you were busy berating her, the other man ran with the handcuffs. I got away, but the power, the corruption, the greed was all getting to be too much. We hurt the owner because she was too worried about not getting insurance money for the water damage to empty out the register.”
“Something changed,” you say from beside Riley.
He doesn’t move away from Tim but stops talking to listen.
“In the first novella, it was you and me, wasn’t it? You wanted to make a new world together, save me from the love you thought would corrupt me.”
“Adamson used you too,” Alex tells Tim. “I made room for you to come with us and this is how you repay me? Chasing me for making things better. You’re back where you started.”
“Maybe now isn’t the time to act,” Jackson West says. “What if the world could’ve healed on its own and the people you killed might have helped?”
“Fool! They’ve gotten to you, too.”
As Alex’s finger slides onto the trigger, he turns toward Jackson. You don’t hesitate to lunge forward, closing the distance between yourself and Alexander. While you tackle him to the floor, he squeezes the trigger, and the shot rings through the now-silent townhouse and seems to echo for hours as your team watches in horror.
Tim pulls the handcuff key from his belt and passes it to Angela before he crawls on his hands and knees to reach you.
“I hope somebody got scans of that novella before he shot it,” you groan as you sit up.
Tim sighs, taking your face in his hands as he wipes blood from your temple.
“Is his writing really that good?” Jackson asks as he stands.
“It’s a little preachy,” you reply with a smile.
Your phone rings, and you swipe the screen to answer, then immediately hang up.
“That was your boss,” Tim points out.
“He can yell at me when he gets here.”
“Alexander Riley has been charged in the deaths of twelve Los Angeles residents,” JJ says at the press conference the morning after your encounter with Alex. “His victims include Janice Davis, Gregory Hunter, Bryce Keller, Hank Sheller, Peter Bristol, Liza Renner, Mel Houghton, Destiny Crest, Angelica Thomson, Alissa Alvarez, and Jack and Cassidy Wilson. Nearly three dozen cold cases are now being reopened, and the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit supports the LAPD’s claim that Riley could have committed these crimes as well. I’ll welcome any questions at this time.”
You scrunch your nose from the side, resisting the urge to remove the bandage on your forehead. Tim stands beside you, watching you.
Tim notices that the bandage is loose but doesn’t move before Hotch warns, “Don’t do anything in the public view that you don’t want to get out and give Riley a chance at walking.”
When the conference ends, Derek sighs and walks past Hotch to return to the hotel and pack. As he approaches you, he smiles and says, “And you didn’t want to come because I can’t help, and LA is too sunny.”
You try to punch Derek for his poor impression of you but miss as he breaks into a jog. Shaking your head, you turn to Tim and prepare a joke about how you don’t sound like that. Tim’s serious expression stops you, though.
“You didn’t think you could help?” he asks. “You were going to be an amazing cop, and I regret playing a part in taking that opportunity from you.”
You shrug and respond, “I like the FBI, and I got to tackle a murderer, so it all worked out.”
“Yeah,” Lucy interrupts, walking to your side. “But now you have to go back to Virginia.”
“Thank you,” Wade says, stopping at your side. “Come back soon, okay?”
You smile as he hands you a paper. As you read it, you sigh, then shove it into your pocket. The email came in this morning telling all active FBI agents about the new tactical unit, one which will work closely with the BAU. They’re actively recruiting, but if you tell Tim, you’re asking him to choose between you and the job again, and you can’t do that to him. Asking Tim to leave LA would be cruel, you think, so you force a smile onto your face.
“Thank you for everything,” you tell him. “Especially the part where you saved my life and the apology. I’ll try not to stay gone so long this time.”
Tim nods, and you smile at Lucy before following your team. He watches you walk away, ignores Lucy’s encouragement for him to chase you, and waits until you leave to whisper what he wants to say. But Tim lost his chance again. Worse, he lost you again.
Two Weeks Later
“Which one of you wants to die first?” the armed suspect asks, swinging his curved meat hook between you and Spencer.
“Probably you, right?” you whisper. “You know, my blood’ll be on it if he kills me first.”
“The mean value of Staphylococcus aureus in raw meat is 3.84 in a butcher shop,” Spencer replies. “I don’t know where that thing has been. At least your blood has been relatively well contained. And any amount of water on that thing increases the number of bacterial specimens transferred from the meat surface.”
The metal door of the meat locker blows open suddenly, and when the butcher before you turns to see what caused the noise, two men in tactical uniforms subdue him and confiscate the meat hook. Spencer rushes out of the facility, and you watch as the new FBI team takes your suspect into custody.
“I could have done that,” you complain.
“Sure you could, boot,” one of the men says, his voice muffled by the helmet.
You look toward him with your eyebrows raised. He takes his helmet off, and your jaw drops. Tim Bradford.
Smiling, you step toward him with questions racing in your mind, but he extends a gloved hand, holding it against your waist to stop you as he whispers, “Morgan has cameras everywhere.”
As you walk into the BAU bullpen together, Hotch looks up from a paper. He looks at you, then Tim, then back to you, and smiles. With wide eyes, you hide behind Tim’s shoulder, unsure what a Hotch smile could mean in this particular circumstance.
“We’re wheels up to Los Angeles in forty-five,” Hotch says.
“Why?” you ask, stepping out from behind Tim.
“There’s a domestic terrorist leaving Shakespeare at foreign-owned businesses hours before they’re bombed or become mass murder scenes.”
You nod, but before you can speak, Derek calls, “Bring Bradford! We could use the Army experience.”
Hotch narrows his eyes at Tim, then shrugs and agrees.
“Good, good,” you mumble, wrapping your hands around Tim’s arms. “I’ll show him the ropes then and we’ll be back in thirty.”
“Please do.”
You quickly forget the ropes as you drag Tim into Penelope’s empty office. He smiles and prepares to ask what this has to do with terrorism, but you slide your hands onto his jaw and kiss Tim. Finally. Tim's hands meet your waist, and he pulls you closer as he kisses you, both of you melting into one another and getting lost in the moment you’ve waited so long for. When you pull back, Tim keeps you close, smiling like he’s seeing you clearly for the first time, though he’s known your heart and potential for nearly a decade.
A quiet gasp draws your attention, and you both look to the door as Penelope says, “I’m telling Chocolate Thunder!”
I used one of the amazing Tim Bradford ideas posted by @nevereclipse for this!! I hope you like it and it's along the lines of what you were thinking!☺️
Pairing: Tim Bradford x younger(24-26y/o)!fem!reader
Summary: Tim Bradford is whipped for you, treats you with nothing but the best princess treatment, and when his fellow officers call him out on it, he realizes how he truly feels about you.
Warnings: fluff! princess treatment and Tim being a SOFTIE™
Word Count: 1.6k+ words
You blow your hair out of your face before you tug it painfully behind your ear.
“Easy,” your boyfriend mutters, reaching over carefully. He gathers your hair much gentler than you had, pulls it loosely behind your ears, and uses the hair tie he wears around his wrist to secure it. “Better?”
You hum before you say, “Thank you, Tim.”
His hand moves down your back, resting comfortably against the base of your spine. After you finish your project, you take a paper towel from the nearby roll and wipe your hands.
“Need anything else?” Tim asks.
You smile over your shoulder as you rest against Tim’s chest. He’s older than you, and though some people might frown upon your relationship, you love him, not only because of the selfless way he treats you. Tim places his arm around your shoulders, then uses his free hand to pull your hand closer to him. He traces his thumb over your knuckles, then looks at your nails as his calloused palm holds you like you are the most precious thing in his life, in the world.
“I can make you an appointment at the nail salon you like,” he offers. “Tuesday?”
Tim shifts his hands, running his fingertips up and down your palm as he smiles.
“I can wait,” you answer. “I actually saw a kit online that lets you make your own nail art. Maybe I should try that next time.”
“Send me the link.”
Tim kisses your temple, then twirls the ends of your hair around his fingers. He decides he could spend forever here and wouldn’t even care what his friends thought about it.
“Tim!” Angela calls. “We’re all going to Andre’s.”
“Actually,” he begins.
“No, you skipped out the last three times, you’re coming with.”
“No arguments,” Nyla adds. “We might even make you pay.”
Tim sighs, his shoulders dropping as he nods. He follows them out of the station and is unsurprised to see Lucy, Nolan, Aaron, and Wesley waiting in the parking lot.
“Tim, you’re coming too?” Wesley asks. “I thought you’d finally sworn off fraternization.”
“Ha ha,” Tim deadpans.
“Can I ride with you?” Aaron asks. “My car’s getting a new wrap and Wesley’s backseat is a little tight with the carseats.”
Tim doesn’t answer but doesn’t say no, so Lucy nods and encourages Aaron to go. Aaron climbs into Tim’s passenger seat and buckles his seatbelt without a word.
“Oh,” he exclaims as Tim backs out of the space. “Who’s the Dior lip gloss belong to?” He lifts the tube out of the floorboard and recognizes it as part of a set his mom has. “This is expensive, they must be missing it.”
“She knows it’s here,” Tim grumbles, extending his hand to take it.
“Your sister?” Aaron guesses as Tim places it in the center console. He sees several other items, like a scrunchie, a receipt, and powder.
“None of your business,” Tim snaps. “Why are you getting an expensive car wrapped, anyway?”
“Because I can.”
Tim and Aaron fall silent, Tim thinking about you as Aaron wonders if the others know about the woman taking up space in Tim Bradford’s truck and in his life.
During your next date night, Tim opens the door for you, then wraps his arm around your waist as you enter the restaurant. He moves to his left to stand slightly behind you as you wait to be seated, and you smile over your shoulder at him.
At your table, Tim pulls your chair out for you, but you stop before you sit when someone says his name. You turn, and Tim’s shoulders tense beneath his blazer.
“Angela,” he greets tightly. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m on a date,” she answers with a smile. She looks at you before she asks, “And you?”
You sense the tension and interrupt to introduce yourself. You provide your name and shake her hand, then look to Tim.
“My girlfriend,” he tells Angela. “We’re on a date, so…”
“I’ll ask more later then. I mean that Timothy, you have a lot to tell me.” She turns toward you again and says, “Nice to meet you.”
“You, too.”
Alone, you take Tim’s hand across the table and apologize for interrupting him and his friend. He promises that he wasn’t bothered by that and assures you that he wasn’t avoiding introducing you on purpose but was just surprised. You fall into easy conversation, as usual, and the date is over far too soon.
When the waiter leaves the check on the corner of the table, you ask, “Going Dutch?”
“Going insane if you think I’m letting you pay for a date,” Tim mumbles before speaking up to say, “My treat.”
Tim offers his blazer before you walk out into the windy Los Angeles night, and you wrap your hands around his arm as he leads you to his truck. You’ve never felt as loved and as cherished as you do with Tim Bradford.
As you enter Tim’s house, he uses your joined hands to pull you back toward him. He dips his chin, gesturing for you to sit on the couch, then lowers to the table before it. With a gentle touch, Tim runs his hands down your leg, from your knee to your ankle. After he hooks his finger under the strap of your heel, he pulls your foot up, resting your calf on his knee to unhook the small buckle against your ankle and remove your shoe. He repeats the process with the other shoe, then lays his hands on your knees and leans forward.
“Hi,” you whisper with a smile.
Tim smiles in the proximity, then runs his hands up your legs to rest on your thighs.
“I love you,” you add.
“I love you,” he replies before he moves beside you on the couch, cups the back of your neck in his hand, and pulls into a kiss that proves it.
Tim stops mid-step as he enters the roll call room the following morning. Angela and Aaron are perched atop the tables to watch him with matching looks.
“What?” Tim asks.
“You have a girlfriend,” Angela says.
“That I’m thinking you bought Dior for,” Aaron adds.
“Who are you and what did you do with Timothy Bradford?”
“Yes, I have a girlfriend, and I bought her some makeup,” Tim admits. “What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal?” Aaron repeats incredulously. “You, Tim Bradford, are whipped.”
“He took her to an expensive restaurant last night,” Angela tells Aaron without looking away from Tim. “I bet he footed the bill, too.”
“There is no reason to be discussing this at work,” Tim points out. “So, drop it.”
“Drop what?” Lucy asks from the doorway.
One word, Tim mouths to Aaron. Aaron nods, but Angela smiles. Tim knows he has no power over her, but when she changes the subject, he sighs and nods once. She’ll bring it up again when he least expects it, but for now, the ‘news’ of his ‘being whipped’ for you is contained. He isn’t ashamed of you, of course, but some things need to be private.
Immediately after walking into Tim’s house, he kisses you so hard that you can feel the sticky texture of your lip gloss as it smears from the corners of your lips and onto your chin. When he pulls back, holding you up as you blink at him, breathless, he uses his thumb to wipe away the shiny mess he made.
“I missed you too,” you say.
“I was told today that I’m whipped,” Tim replies.
You furrow your brows, and Tim taps his knuckle against your forehead and smiles as he shakes his head. You relax but hold his side as you wait for more information.
“Aaron and Angela know about you, and he told me I was whipped. I realized that he’s right.”
Terrified that Tim is about to break up with you after this realization, you pull your bottom lip between your teeth. He huffs and tugs it free.
“I am more in love with you than I ever dreamed of being capable of. So…”
Tim is clearly trying to find the right words, and you smile as you offer, “Incandescently happy?”
“Completely and incandescently happy,” he agrees. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Tim smiles, then notices he disturbed your outfit with his sudden affection. He tugs the ridden-up fabric down over your hips before dragging his fingertips along your upper arm to fix your top.
“Remember when you bought me the makeup wipes?” you ask.
Tim nods and inquires, “Do you need them?”
You try to contain your smile but fail. “No, you just proved you can take off lip gloss without them.”
Tim tugs you closer, hooks his arms under your hips, and lifts you up. You gasp in surprise before gripping his shoulders. After he carries you to the kitchen and sets you on the counter, he takes your shoes off and stands between your legs.
“Should I make dinner or are you going to keep distracting me?”
You tap your finger against your jaw and pretend to ponder the question. “That depends… will your friends still be okay with this relationship when they find out you’re a cradle robber?”
“Maybe I should give you back then.”
You pout, and Tim kisses your forehead before he turns away. He passes you a bouquet of red roses, then sets a glass of your favorite beverage beside you. It’s the response you hoped for, and after you gently place the flowers aside, you pull Tim closer by his collar and smile against his lips.
The Man He Didn’t Have to Be (Tim Bradford x fem!reader)
To read my other works, check my MASTERLIST !
Paring: Tim Bradford x reader
Universe: The Rookie
Word Count: 3857
Requested: No
Warnings: pregnancy, divorce, ex-husband who is a piece of s*it, mention of childbirth
If I forgot about anything feel free to write to me. Your well-being is a top priority to me.
Summary: When her world crumbles, Tim is there to step up.
Author’s note:
Surprise! I am alive! I know it's not what you wanted but, I started watching "The Rookie" and fell in love with Tim! So I needed to write something about him. I also may have a baby fever (again...) So this fic happened. Enjoy!
Thank you for taking the time to read my work! I would greatly appreciate any feedback you may have as it motivates me to continue improving. Please don't hesitate to share your thoughts!
And please forgive any grammar or spelling errors, as English is not my first language.
Klaudia 💜
Every time she thought her life couldn’t get worse, something new seemed to be waiting for her. First, her husband announced he was leaving, telling her he’d found a woman he loved in a way he had never loved her. She tried to fight for their marriage and convince him to change his mind, but nothing worked. With a broken heart, she finally decided to let him go. Even though her heart shattered into a thousand pieces, she signed the divorce papers. She attempted to rebuild her life—she found a small apartment, focused on her work, and tried not to sink into depression during the long, lonely hours. Thankfully, she wasn’t entirely alone. Tim Bradford, her best friend for years, had always been by her side, even in the middle of the night when she couldn’t stop crying or obsessing over what had gone wrong in her relationship. He was her rock, her greatest support.
Just when she thought her life was starting to settle down, she began feeling unwell. At first, she attributed it to stress, but eventually, she connected the dots and took a pregnancy test, which came back positive. She knew her ex-husband deserved to know the truth, even if he hadn’t been entirely honest with her. So, she texted him and asked to meet. What followed, however, was nothing short of her worst nightmare.
When they met at the café, she felt as if time had slowed down. He sat across from her, completely indifferent, as if everything that had happened between them was a closed chapter. He looked at her with a cold gaze, waiting for her to speak. She struggled to gather the strength to say the words that had been swirling in her head for days.
“I’m pregnant,” she finally said, looking straight at him, searching for any reaction. His face remained expressionless. For a moment, she thought maybe he hadn’t heard her. But after a second, his lips tightened, and his eyes showed a flicker of displeasure.
“The relationship between us was over long before I found someone else. This changes nothing,” he said coldly. Those words cut her like a knife.
“I’m not telling you to come back to me… It’s your child and deserves to have a father… ” she tried to insist, though her voice trembled.
“That’s your problem. You’ll have to deal with it,” he replied emotionlessly, standing up from the table as if the meeting had been nothing more than an irritating interruption in his perfectly arranged new life.
When he left, she felt as if the world was collapsing around her. Tears welled up in her eyes, but this time, she wasn’t going to cry. Instead, she pulled out her phone and called Tim. As soon as he heard her voice, he knew something was wrong.
“Where are you?” he asked, no questions needed. “I’m on my way.”
It wasn’t even fifteen minutes before Tim was by her side, his eyes filled with concern. Without a word, he pulled her close, letting her lean on him as she fought back the tears. In his presence, she felt the tension in her body begin to ease.
“Tim… There’s something you should know. I…” She took a shaky breath. She felt his hold tighten around her. He rested his cheek against her head, softly rubbing her back with his hand.
“Whatever it is, we’ll handle it together. Like we always do,” he said calmly, trying to give her as much comfort as possible.
“I’m pregnant,” she whispered, feeling a lump in her throat. “And it’s his. But he said it’s only my problem. He doesn’t want anything to do with this baby…” For a moment, his face showed surprise, as if he was trying to process what he had just heard. He didn’t say anything at first, pulling back slightly to look at her, and she wasn’t sure how he would react. She feared that silence, that hesitation.
“Okay,” he finally said, slowly. Tim pressed his lips together, clearly upset, though he tried to stay calm. “He’s a jerk. But you won’t go through this alone. You’ll never be alone—I won’t let that happen.”
True to his word, Tim never let her feel alone. From the moment he learned about her pregnancy, he stepped naturally into a role that felt both essential and reassuring. He took over her usual shopping, refusing to let her carry a single bag, insisting it was the least he could do. Each morning, he arrived at her door with fresh breakfast, right after his run with Kojo, the loyal dog who seemed to sense the changes happening in their lives.
Even during his shifts, Tim made it a point to check-in. He texted her regularly, asking how she felt, and called just to hear her voice, attuned to any subtle shifts in her mood. But his favourite part of the day was always the evenings when he would come to her home. Most nights, she greeted him with a smile, though the fatigue etched on her face often told a different story. Each time, he pulled her into a warm embrace, holding her like a protective blanket. Some nights she hugged him back just as tightly; other times, she simply leaned into him, letting him hold her. On those nights, he sent her to the couch, where Kojo would curl up beside her, resting his head on her lap, seeking her affection.
Tim loved cooking dinner for them, always mindful of preparing meals that wouldn’t upset her stomach. He quickly learned what she could tolerate and what made her feel worse. On the rare occasions, his cooking didn’t go as planned, he would kneel beside her in the bathroom, holding her hair back and rubbing her back—his unwavering support something she had come to rely on deeply.
What he cherished most were their late-night conversations. They talked endlessly, about work, their future, and even the small details of their day. These talks deepened their bond with each passing evening.
But tonight felt different. From the moment he arrived, he noticed the exhaustion in her eyes, the way her thoughts seemed miles away. Sensing the shift, he suggested watching a movie they’d been meaning to catch up on. She quietly agreed, thankful for the distraction, and didn’t protest when he pulled her close, wrapping his arm around her.
As they settled in, her hand absentmindedly rested on her stomach, where a small bump had just begun to show. Though she tried not to dwell on it, her mind wandered back to something a colleague had said earlier. The words echoed painfully in her thoughts—that it was her fault her husband had left, and that Tim was only with her out of pity. The sting of those words hung heavy on her heart. Tim had always been her rock, but now, more than ever, she felt guilty leaning on him. This wasn’t his burden to carry; she had to find her strength in the chaos.
“Tim,” she began softly, breaking the silence. “I feel like I’ve dragged you into something you didn’t sign up for. This isn’t your responsibility. Me, this baby… we’re not your burden.”
Tim frowned, shaking his head firmly. “That’s not how I see it. I want to be here. I choose to be here. You’re important to me—always have been, always will be. Now that just extends to your baby too. You’re not dragging me into anything. I’m choosing this.”
She blinked back the tears threatening to spill over. The certainty in his voice made her heart ache in the best possible way. Maybe, just maybe, she didn’t have to go through this alone. Yet doubt still lingered on the edges of her mind.
“Are you sure?” she whispered, her hands trembling slightly. “This is going to change everything.”
“I’m sure,” he replied without hesitation. Gently, he placed his hand over hers, almost covering her small bump. “We’re in this together. All three of us.” They both chuckled softly as Kojo, lying contentedly by her feet, gave a small bark. “Alright, four of us,” Tim added with a grin.
She nodded slowly and leaned back against his side. No matter what uncertainties lay ahead, Tim brought peace and safety into her life. As she felt him press a soft kiss on the top of her head, she knew that he was in this 100 percent. With him by her side, she felt ready to face every step of the journey ahead.
As the movie played in the background, a warm sense of comfort washed over her. Despite the unknowns of the future, she had her best friend, someone who believed in both her and the life they were building together. And together, they could face whatever came next.
The quiet hum of the ultrasound machine filled the small room, the rhythmic beeps syncing with her heartbeat. The sound, once foreign and unnerving, had become strangely comforting, marking each milestone of a journey she’d never thought possible. Lying back, her hand rested gently on her growing belly, feeling the warmth of the life moving inside her—a sensation that was as awe-inspiring as it was surreal. The nurse moved the cold, gel-covered probe across her skin, and though a shiver ran up her spine, she barely registered it. Her eyes were locked on the screen, waiting for the familiar grainy image of her baby to appear.
And then it did—a blur at first, slowly sharpening into the unmistakable shape of tiny hands and feet, twisting and turning as if to greet them. A soft gasp escaped her lips. No matter how many times she witnessed this, it always left her breathless.
Tim sat beside her, his eyes fixed on the monitor, a quiet smile playing on his lips. His face, usually so composed, softened with awe. He had always been good at hiding his emotions, but moments like these stripped away his calm facade. Without thinking, his hand found hers, their fingers entwining in a silent exchange of support. He gave her a gentle squeeze, then leaned in and pressed a light kiss on the top of her hand. It was a gesture so natural, so full of unspoken affection, that it nearly brought tears to her eyes.
"Everything looks perfect," the nurse said, her tone upbeat as she wiped the gel from her belly. "Baby’s healthy and growing right on track."
She nodded, a wave of relief washing over her. The tight knot of anxiety that had taken up residence in her chest loosened—if only a little. Each passing month had brought new fears and uncertainties, but slowly, those feelings were giving way to cautious hope. It had taken longer than she expected to feel this way, but now, she could finally begin to see herself as a mother. And in every vision of that future, Tim was always there, steady and unwavering, just as he had been from the beginning.
After the appointment, Tim stood and offered her his hand, helping her off the exam table with the ease of someone who had been there through every step. His presence had become her constant, a source of comfort she hadn’t known she would need but now couldn’t imagine living without. Over the months, he had kept every promise, never wavering, never complaining—always there, even when she didn’t know how to ask for help.
“How are you feeling?” he asked as they stepped outside the clinic, the crisp air hitting their faces. His hand hovered near her arm, close but not quite touching—a subtle, protective gesture, ready to catch her if she stumbled.
“I’m good,” she said, a small smile pulling at her lips. “Better than I’ve felt in a long time.”
He nodded, clearly pleased, though his eyes still scanned hers, searching for any sign of discomfort or worry. “You’re handling this like a champ,” he said softly.
She let out a light laugh. “I don’t always feel like it, but I’m trying.”
As they walked to his car, their footsteps fell into an easy rhythm, the silence between them comfortable and familiar. When they reached the car, Tim opened the passenger door for her, but before getting in, she paused, turning to face him, her expression suddenly serious.
“Tim,” she began, her voice quiet but steady, “you’ve been amazing. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. I mean it. You’ve taken care of us—even though you didn’t have to.”
He looked at her, his warm, reassuring smile never faltering. “You don’t need to thank me,” he replied softly. “I’m just glad I can be here.”
But she saw something flicker in his eyes—something deeper, something he wasn’t saying. Tim was always so careful, so controlled with his emotions, but she had known him long enough to recognize when he was holding something back. Yet she didn’t press him. Not now.
As they drove back to her apartment, the conversation shifted to lighter topics—baby names they hadn’t yet decided on, the nursery they were slowly piecing together, and the never-ending stream of baby books filling her apartment. They laughed about the absurd number of gadgets people swore they "needed" for a newborn, trading jokes about the most ridiculous ones.
Yet beneath their playful banter, there was a tension neither acknowledged, an unspoken understanding hanging in the air. Tim had always kept his distance emotionally, respectful of her space, never pushing her for more than she was ready to give. He had made it clear from the start that he was there to support her, no matter what, and he had lived up to that promise in every way. But that didn’t stop his heart from racing when she smiled, or the way his pulse quickened when their hands brushed accidentally.
He had loved her for years—long before she had married before everything had fallen apart with her ex-husband. Tim had watched her fall for someone else, had been there when her heart broke, and now, here he was, still by her side. Taking care of her, taking care of the baby that wasn’t his.
He never said anything. He couldn’t. His feelings had to wait. Right now, all that mattered was her and the baby. His love, his desires—they would come later. For now, being there was enough. It had to be.
As the weeks passed, their lives settled into a comforting rhythm, though they didn’t notice the subtle shift that began to happen between them. Unspoken feelings hovered just beneath the surface, and they found themselves growing closer, more open with one another. Friends started to notice too. They exchanged knowing smiles as Tim’s touch lingered a little longer on her arm or back.
Angela Lopez had rolled her eyes more than once when hearing endless stories about “Tim’s friend” and all the thoughtful things he did for her and the baby. Whenever she visited the station with sweet treats for everyone, Angela often caught Tim and her in quiet moments, where their connection seemed palpable. More than once, Angela noticed the way she would place his hand over her bump when the baby kicked, and how Tim responded with a smile that said more than words ever could.
The biggest change came one evening while they were assembling the crib. She sat comfortably in a rocking chair, one hand resting on her belly, the other absentmindedly petting Kojo’s head as he lay beside her. The dog had become as protective of her as Tim was, always at her side when he could be.
She watched as Tim wrestled with the instruction manual, his brow furrowed in concentration. “You’re doing it wrong,” she teased, smiling.
“I am not,” he shot back, glancing up with mock indignation. “I’ve got this.”
As he fumbled with the crib parts, she laughed—a sound that felt like a rare gift these days. For a moment, it was just like old times—before the pregnancy, before the heartbreak. Just the two of them, shared an easy, familiar joy that felt like home.
Tim looked up from the pieces scattered on the floor and froze for a second, watching her laugh. He hadn’t heard that sound in too long. It was unguarded, real. He smiled, letting himself soak in the moment.
“Well, if you’re so good at this, why don’t you help instead of just sitting there judging my work?” he teased, raising an eyebrow.
She grinned. “I’m perfectly comfortable where I am, thanks. Besides, you’re doing great. It’s... entertaining.”
He chuckled and shook his head, returning to the task, muttering under his breath about her stubbornness. But secretly, he didn’t mind. Knowing she was there, watching him, laughing—it felt right. Like this was exactly where they were meant to be.
As the crib finally took shape, something between them shifted. There was an unspoken understanding in the air, something neither had fully acknowledged until now. Tim glanced at her, and for a moment, they simply stared at each other.
He reached out, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering on her cheek longer than necessary. She leaned into his touch, her breath catching in her throat.
That was all the encouragement he needed.
Without thinking, Tim leaned in and kissed her, softly at first, hesitant. But when she kissed him back, her hand slipping to the back of his neck, pulling him closer, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. This—this—was where they were always meant to end up.
Together.
She struggled to breathe deeply as she slowly made her way down the hospital corridor, her grip tightening around the IV stand. Another contraction surged through her, pulling a low moan from her lips. She tried to focus on the gentle support of Nyla’s hand on her arm, but the pain was too consuming—sharp and overwhelming. When it finally ebbed, she glanced over at Nyla, her eyes filled with worry.
“Have you heard from Tim?” Her voice cracked, and tears welled up as she caught Nyla’s sympathetic smile.
“I texted him, and Grey knows to pass the message along. He’s coming,” Nyla reassured her. “Tim wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
She nodded, but a flicker of doubt gnawed at her. “I hope so… I don’t know if I can do this without him.” Her words were barely more than a whisper, her emotions unravelling.
“You’re stronger than you think,” Nyla said softly, her hand squeezing in quiet encouragement. “But he’ll be here, don’t worry.”
She tried to smile, but the uncertainty lingered. Tim had been her rock for so long—how could she face this moment without him? Nyla’s presence was a comfort, but it wasn’t the same.
They continued their slow walk back to the room for another check-up. The nurse met them with a concerned expression before examining her. When she announced that she was still far from delivering, a groan of frustration escaped her. She sank onto the bed, burying her face in her hands.
“I don’t know how much more I can take,” she whispered, her voice thick with exhaustion. “I just want to hold my baby.” Nyla brushed a lock of hair from her face, her steady presence an anchor.
“Soon,” she promised gently. “Soon.”
The hours crawled by in a blur of contractions and fleeting moments of rest. She clung to Nyla’s guidance, her body trembling from fatigue until the door suddenly swung open. Her breath caught as Tim rushed inside, his face flushed with worry.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” he said, hurrying to her side. His hand found hers instantly, and the crushing weight of fear lifted just a little.
“You’re here,” she whispered, her voice breaking with relief as fresh tears filled her eyes. He pressed a kiss to the back of her hand, his touch grounding her in the storm of pain and anxiety.
“I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” he murmured, leaning down to kiss her forehead. His presence radiated warmth, steadying her as another contraction gripped her.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she managed between ragged breaths, her emotions spiralling. “I don’t know how I’d get through this without you.”
“You would,” he said softly, squeezing her hand. “But now that I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” His gaze held hers, his thumb brushing soothing circles on her skin as another wave of pain washed over her.
They endured the hours together, Tim never leaving her side. His strength, and his quiet, unwavering support gave her the determination she needed to push through. The world blurred around them as they focused on bringing this new life into the world.
Then, after what felt like an eternity, the sharp, piercing cry of a newborn filled the room. She gasped, tears streaming down her face as the nurse placed the tiny, wriggling bundle on her chest. Her arms instinctively wrapped around the baby, and she looked up at Tim. His eyes were wide, filled with awe and tears he didn’t bother to wipe away.
She looked down at the baby, overwhelmed by the fragile, perfect little face scrunched up in protest. "Hi, sweet baby," she whispered, her voice shaking with emotion. Her fingers brushed gently over the baby’s soft cheek. "I’m your mom."
Tim stood by her side, his hand resting on her shoulder as he gazed at the baby with pure wonder. When he finally spoke, his voice was thick with emotion. "She’s perfect," he whispered, unable to look away.
“We did it,” she whispered, her eyes meeting his in a moment of shared joy.
Tim bent down, pressing a kiss to the baby’s head. "Welcome to the world," he murmured. "We’ve been waiting for you."
The baby’s cries softened, and the room fell into a peaceful quiet as if time had paused, leaving just the three of them cocooned in the moment. She couldn’t stop the tears—this time, they were tears of love, of pure joy. This was a happiness she had never known, a completeness she hadn’t imagined was possible.
“Do you want to hold her?” she asked, her voice trembling with emotion.
Tim hesitated but then nodded, his hands gentle as the nurse helped him take the baby into his arms. He cradled the tiny bundle as though it were the most precious thing in the world, and in that moment, his love was unmistakable.
"Hi there... I’m Tim," he whispered, his voice catching in his throat. He paused, then added, “I’m not your dad, but I promise I’ll love you like one.”
Her heart swelled at his words. Reaching out, she rested her hand on his arm, gazing at the baby in his arms. “Tim... you are the father she deserves. You’ve cared for her from the start. You’ve been there every step of the way... and I love you for that.”
As the baby stirred, Tim smiled through his tears, and for the first time, she felt truly whole. This was their family—imperfect, unexpected, but overflowing with love. And as Tim bent down to kiss her lips, sealing the moment, she knew that they had found their way home.
