Working at that hospital gave me lots of bad days. Whether it was an exhausting surgery or just having to work despite personal problems outside of the hospital, you were always able to tell when I was "off." You always knew what to say and do to calm me down. You always knew how to make me feel better. You would call me if you knew I had a rough shift just to talk to me, and you would not take "I'm just tired" as an answer when you would ask me what was wrong. All this made working at that hospital something I would look forward to because I would get to see you there, too. And if I saw that we were assigned to work in the same operating room together, I was happy.
Previous failed relationships and friendships had turned me into a rather avoidant person. I put up walls and would run away if I felt that a relationship was getting too good or if I felt it going downhill so that I would be gone before that other person could hurt me. But with you, I felt safe. You got me, someone who is notoriously secretive, to open up so easily. I told you things that very few people in my life know about me. I told you about people that had let me down, and why I act how I act now. You got to know me pretty well, and you also trusted me with some of your own secret parts. You arguably became my best friend, even more so than other close friends because most of them live far away now. We were always in sync, and it was always a good time when we were together. You were truly one of my best friends, and you said I was one of yours.
You saw me through a couple failed relationships, including one that took me to Europe and hit me particularly hard when it ended. As usual, you were always there checking in on me and saying/doing things to make me feel better. Eventually over the summer, I got over that breakup. Maybe that's when things started to change. Maybe I was lonely or just looking for someone else to be with, but I began to catch feelings for you. I had always thought you were really beautiful, and I obviously already loved your personality and quirks. That's why you were my best friend. But with these new feelings, I began to see you in a new way. Though I was almost always working because of my new hospital's work schedule, all I would have to do was think of you and I'd feel better.
That summer included phone calls talking about nothing, watching 4th of July fireworks together over Facetime from the rooftop of my apartment, KBBQ dates because KBBQ was "our thing," a spontaenous night at the beach spent stargazing together, laughing while tipsy from drinking whole bottles of soju and wine, and talking about our desires, love languages, relationship histories, and lives in general. You even asked me to go on a trip to Switzerland with you (just us), and you got visibly upset when I told you that I couldn't go with you because my new job didn't approve me for PTO that week. All of this brought us closer, at least in my mind. How things ended with the last relationship made me cautious, but I also thought "Who better to fall in love with than my best friend?" After all, we already clicked. We already knew each other so well. We already knew what the other wanted. We could talk about anything and everything, effortlessly switching between deep/vulnerable topics and stupid brainrot humor. Isn't this how it was supposed to be?
I've always been good at daydreaming. Maybe that's what this whole thing was. Everything we shared over the summer (as well as what would could've shared if I was able to go to Switzerland with you) made me think we had something, but all that was apparently not enough. When you started mentioning another guy, it immediately punched me. Every mention of him would make my chest cave in, with pain so intense that it would rob me of the ability to speak. You said you noticed this shift in our relationship, too, and by the time we eventually addressed it, you were already too far gone.
Despite all our chemistry and history, this other guy was apparently better. That I lost that battle. Maybe you actually liked me back too, but I was just too late and someone else stepped in? I don't know. You told me you weren't mad at me (maybe just frustrated because of how good our friendship was), but you probably hated me for ruining everything by falling in love with you as more than a friend. I told you congratulations. You said didn't believe me. But the truth is that you are an amazing person that I will always care about and love you. You are someone that deserves to be loved. And if that love is not coming from me, then so be it. “This puts a roadblock in our friendship, doesn’t it?” you said. “I was about to say that, too. Maybe we shouldn’t be friends,” I replied. You reluctantly agreed. We both said we were both bad at goodbyes, but also that we positively impacted each others' lives.
That was the last time we talked to each other. It's been a few days. I've thought about you every single day since then. Part of me is delusional and thinks we can still work out. Part of me wants to pack up and relocate somewhere far away (new city, new job, new friends, etc.). Part of me just wants to talk to you again. Whatever part is right, I still wonder if that was the last time we'll ever speak to each other. If it is (and if you're reading this), I just want you to know that I'll always care for you. I'll always love you. You have postiviely impacted my life so much. You've pulled me from some dark places, and you stuck by me when it was hard to. You always knew how to calm me down and make me feel better. I'll always think of you when I hear a Click Five song, KBBQ will always be "our thing," and you'll always be with me in spirit whenever I'm working in an operating room. I hope my impact on your life was similarly positive, too. If this really is the end of us, thank you for being one of my favorite people. Even if only for a little while.
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