she blogs too

She overthinks, likes art, curates spotify playlists — and yes, she blogs too.

[sheblogstoo]

Are you the Lover or the Loved One?

Girly liked the movie so much, she just had to blog about it!

I watched The Loved One last weekend, and gandang-ganda ako. I purposefully avoided spoilers since it premiered (Feb 11) because I wanted my reflection to be raw, untouched, and purely based on what I’d see on the screen.

So eto ka na nga…

1. Love is scary.

It’s nice, it feels so good, and it makes you feel alive. But at the same time, deep down, that fear about love will always linger. The Loved One showed us that grieving doesn’t require a timeline. Walang nagsabi na kapag mas maiksi ang timeline ng relationship, mas magiging madali ang pag-let go kaysa sa mga nagsama nang matagal.

As long as you feel it, it’s real. It’s valid. But in the movie, that 10-year timeline is no joke. Imagine being with someone for a decade, only to realize that you’ve both become too much for each other.

2. Love Should Not Be a Question

Sabi ni Eric, saying I love you had become a question—and he was always scared of the answer. Dito pa lang, alam nating mali na.

The moment I love you starts feeling like a question rather than a statement, you know the foundation is failing. Love should be a safe space, not a source of anxiety. If you’re constantly checking if the love is still there, you’re no longer living in the relationship; you’re just surviving it.

There was a scene where they were fighting about marriage. Eric was ready, but Ellie was not. He wanted to know what Ellie saw in their future, pero sabi ni Ellie, ayaw niya pa. She didn’t want to be trapped.

Dito natin makikita ang difference nila, maybe dahil sa kinalakihan nila. Eric came from a place of scarcity. He needed the security of marriage, the papers, and the house to feel safe. If I recall it right, he did not grow up with a father figure; he became the one for his family. Pero Ellie came from privilege. She grew up with everything handed to her, so she values freedom more than security.

For Eric, marriage is a goal; for Ellie, it feels like a cage. It was unfair for Eric kasi parang for convenience lang ang relationship for her, but at the same time, Eric failed to see that you cannot cage a bird that was born to fly. You can't enter a relationship expecting to change an aspect of the person you fell in love with just because their upbringing doesn't match yours.

4. Love is about "The Becoming"

Long-term relationships mean meeting different versions of your partner. The challenge is to embrace those versions. Growth is inevitable, but it only becomes a good thing if you value communication and compromise.

Communication is the bridge, but Compromise is the toll you pay to cross it. Kung puro kayo salita pero walang gustong magbigay, para lang kayong sumisigaw sa pader.

5. Love Creates Monsters

I think love and disrespect will meet at one point, but they should not be friends. There will be situations where you will go overboard and disrespect each other—maybe at the height of emotions, maling timing, or the weight of the fight. But love should be forgiving.

Eric cheated. It was during the time when Ellie wanted space because she felt unseen and unsupported. But Ellie forgave him.

I think ang dahilan kung bakit sila umabot ng 10 years na parang hindi nila kilala ang isa’t isa is because they loved each other so much that they did not speak up, thinking it would only cause pain.

They reached a point where they weren't afraid to hurt each other anymore. They let problems pile up until they were comfortably hurting each other. Once disrespect moves into the house of love, the home slowly crumbles into a ruin—a place where you stay out of habit, even as the ceiling falls down on both of you

“Love turns ordinary people into poets, philosophers, and monsters.”

Ganda ng line na to! That scene when Eric blamed Ellie for the miscarriage of their child was so disrespectful. Ellie was seen crying alone in her room, grieving. When the doctor announced the loss, Eric walked out and didn't even comfort Ellie right away.

As a woman, I will always have space for empathy in that situation. Grief is not a weapon you use to punish your partner. Eric became a monster because of his pain, forgetting that Ellie was carrying the same (if not heavier) weight of loss. The movie shows how pain transforms us into something unrecognizable. Monsters are created in the slow decay of kindness: the gaslighting, the silent treatment, and the way you use your intimate knowledge of each other’s insecurities as weapons.

6. Love is Perspective

Throughout the movie, I saw Eric’s struggle—the one who waited, the one who stayed. Sabi niya, Dahil ako ang mas nagmahal, ako ang laging naghihintay.

But towards the end, when I saw Ellie’s POV, I realized that the person who seems to have moved on or the one who left is often the one who has been carrying the weight of the relationship in silence all along. Ellie was crying outside, gathering every bit of herself just to face Eric with a smile. While Eric was busy being the martyr, Ellie was busy being the shield.

Eric was so consumed by his role as the one who waits that he became blind to Ellie’s silent battles. As a partner, it is your responsibility to step out of your own narrative and reflect: Ano kaya ang nararamdaman niya?

Healthy love requires a safe space where you can communicate, and where your partner can do the same without fear of judgment. You are not a mind reader, but you must be a witness to each other’s truths. If you don't learn to see through your partner's clues, you will eventually end up like Eric and Ellie—two people living in the same house, but in completely different worlds.

More thoughts

Sound and Music Design. I liked the elements of sound. It felt intimate, parang kinukwentuhan ka ng utak mismo ni Eric. Ang isa sa nagpa-hook talaga sa akin sa trailer pa lang is yung stripped version ng Multo. It was raw, skeletal, and painful. Pero I felt a slight disconnect pagdating sa film. Siguro dahil I was heavily siding with Ellie’s journey, and the song was played while highlighting Eric’s pain.

Visual Style. The cinematography was a storytelling tool in itself. Nagustuhan ko yung contrast sa color scheme—making the past colorful and the present grayscale to show the boldness of the characters they have become. For the heavy flashbacks, the colors were filtered and desaturated, giving a visual representation of the emotional weight.

Best example? ung scene na nagyoyosi si Anne after Eric leaves for work.

The Plot. It was real. It was not exaggerated. You know that somewhere out there, it was someone's real-life story. It's relatable.

Mata-mata Acting. There's that one scene. IYKYK!

The Ending. The movie ended exactly how it should. They were back in the place they once shared. A space filled with a decade's worth of their multo. After 10 years, they realized they were starting again.

The ending suggests that no amount of time is wasted if it leads you back to yourself. They didn't end up together, but they ended up whole. The final shot was about the acceptance that they are no longer the people they were in the colorful flashbacks. It was a beautiful, quiet closure—the kind that doesn't need a grand gesture, just a long, honest look at the wreckage and the courage to say goodbye to it.

[sheblogstoo]

2025

this year, i realized something uncomfortable.

i haven’t been fully honest with myself.

for a long time, i described myself as strong. mature. someone who can handle things. someone who is “okay.” and in many ways, that was true on the outside. i learned how to keep going. i learned how to carry things quietly. i learned how to tell myself that as long as i was functioning, everything was fine.

but strength is not the same as being whole.

there are days when i feel like i’m living under a weight i can’t clearly name. it isn’t always loud or dramatic. sometimes it’s just there, sitting quietly with me. over time, i got used to it. i learned how to live with it. i learned how to hide it, even from myself. some days i succeed. some days, i don’t.

i’ve spent years believing that needing less, feeling less, and asking for nothing was how i kept myself together. i thought that if i didn’t ask for much, i wouldn’t be disappointed. if i stayed quiet, i wouldn’t be a burden. if i handled things on my own, i would be fine.

i want to say this clearly. i am genuinely happy. there are people in my life i care deeply about. there are moments that bring me real joy. there are things done for me that i appreciate and value. i don’t deny any of that. i don’t dismiss the good that exists around me.

and still, beneath all of that, there is a part of me that feels lonely and worn. a part that feels tired and broken in ways i don’t always know how to explain. both can be true at the same time. the happiness is real. so is the heaviness.

i don’t want to keep pretending that i can carry everything on my own.

i don’t expect next year to fix me. i don’t need everything to change all at once. i just want to start choosing myself, even in small ways. to slow down when i need to. to listen instead of pushing through. to accept that some things are too heavy to handle alone.

maybe healing will take time. maybe it will start quietly. maybe it begins with being honest, with admitting that i need help, and with allowing myself to receive it.

so this is how i end 2025.

not as someone who has everything figured out, but as someone who is willing to begin.

[sheblogstoo]

what will you feel if your best friend tells you he’s dying soon?

what will you feel if your best friend tells you he’s dying soon?

mine did. he looked at me and asked, “are you ready to have a dead friend?” and i said, “no.”

because how do you even prepare for that?

we met years ago. high school. i don’t even remember the exact moment our friendship started—it just… happened. it grew slowly, quietly, the kind of friendship that survives distance and silence. there was a time we stopped talking for months in college, maybe years. but when we found our way back, it was like nothing changed. as if we didn’t miss anything in each other’s lives. one of the few things i learned from him was that friendship doesn’t survive just because it’s strong. it survives because both people keep choosing to work on it.

so that day, when he told me, i tried my best to keep things normal. we laughed. we talked. i asked him questions. i didn’t want the moment to turn into something dramatic because if that was the last day we’d have together, i wanted it to be a day we’d still smile about.

but when i rode the bus home, he waved at me. and i waved back. that’s when it all hit me—the heaviness i kept pushing away. the quiet thought that maybe, that wave, was a goodbye.

i asked him before i left, “am i gonna see you again?” he didn’t answer. he said we'll cross the bridge when we get there.

and before that, i asked, “if you’re gone, and i start asking myself was there something i could’ve done, what will be the answer?” he said, nothing. because he thinks I already did more than I can.

and that’s the thing. when someone you love tells you they don’t want to be here anymore, you start asking yourself if you can really help. like, can you actually stop someone from dying when they’ve already decided they want to go?

there was a moment that day when he asked if i'm trying to find a solution. and i almost froze. because the truth is, yes. i was. maybe there’s another way, another reason, another day that could make him stay. but i said no. because i didn’t want him to feel like i was trying to fix him.

“there’s a comfort in knowing there’s a way out.” he said this, sounding so calm and that broke me quietly. because that’s depression, right? it convinces you that the only peace left is leaving. it takes away your ability to think straight. it makes you believe escape is the only option.

that day, i told him i’m trying my best to handle his confession the best way i can. i don’t want things to be dramatic. i just want us to be there, talking, laughing. if that was our last day together, i want to remember it like that.

but i’m scared. and i know i’ll never be ready. and someday, i’ll still blame myself. for not saying enough. for saying too much. for not saving him. for not knowing how.

grief is weird. sometimes it doesn’t wait for someone to be gone. sometimes it starts the moment you realize you’ll have to let go— and they’re still right there, laughing beside you.

[sheblogstoo]

6 Years

I was recently in a meeting. It was informal; our local manager just wanted to meet the team.

One of the leaders shared her recent weekend trip to Japan. Everyone else in that room had stories they could relate to. About traveling abroad or booking spontaneous trips. Then someone asked me, “Do you drive to work?” I said no. I just smiled and thought to myself, maybe I look like I drive (and I have a car).

I mentioned I just turned one year in the company. Then it hit me. I’ve actually been working in the corporate world for six years now.

Exactly six years ago, I graduated from college. A month later, I started my first job as a helpdesk technician. I was 20. Fresh grad. First time living in the city. On my first day at work, Mama brought me to the office and picked me up after. I wasn’t used to commuting yet, and I didn’t know the place.

Eight months later, the world changed. COVID hit, and lockdowns started. Suddenly, I was working from home, still figuring things out.

Later on, I got offered a contract project that I really liked. I told myself, once this ends, I don’t want to go back to my old role. I want something better. Lo and behold, I had an opportunity to apply for a new role. Ang lakas ko talaga sa universe!

I’ve changed companies and roles since then. Learned new skills. Handled more responsibilities. I’ve received recognitions I didn’t even imagine I’d get.

But I’ve also never taken a vacation leave longer than 10 days.

I didn’t have rich parents or connections to back me up. Just me and the skills I earned over time. Most days, I still don’t know what I’m doing. I use Google and ChatGPT at work. I just figure things out as I go.

There were moments I joked, “Sana nag-aaral na lang ako. Hingi lang baon kay mama at kayla ate.” But the truth is, I grew up poor in the province. Earning was the goal. Helping out, saving up, building something steady. That’s what keeps me going.

Six years in the corporate world — and still learning, still working, still here.

Am I stable? No. Do I have an emergency fund that's 3 months' worth of my salary? No. Have I been out of the country? No. Do I drive to work? Still no.

But I show up. I work hard. I learn what I can.

Am I always the youngest in every meeting room I go to? Yes. Am I proud of how far I’ve come? Yes.

To anyone just starting, it’s not easy. But it’s worth showing up every day.

[sheblogstoo]

𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟰: 𝗕𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗬𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗬𝗲𝘁

Here are seven realizations I earned this year:

𝟭. 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲

This year, I achieved something I once thought impossible: I fully paid off a 180-sqm lot and began building a house for my family. It was a daunting goal, but I realized that progress doesn’t require perfection—it only requires starting. Even if you feel unprepared, small steps forward add up. One day, you’ll look back and realize you made things possible despite the odds.

𝟮. 𝗟𝗲𝘁 𝗴𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂

One of my hardest but most freeing decisions this year was to leave a company with a good reputation mainly ecause it didn't pay me what I know I deserved. Despite its prestige, it wasn’t aligned with my long-term happiness. I’ve learned that no job title, paycheck, or external validation can substitute for inner peace. Now, I am grateful for my job that allows me to take ownership of my work, no micromanagement, and pays me well.

𝟯. 𝗡𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗹𝗶𝗺𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗳 𝗰𝗼𝗿𝗽𝗼𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗱𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀

I’ve let go of the need to climb the corporate ladder. Recognitions are nice, but I’ve realized that I don’t need a job to define me—I just need it to support the life I want to live. Success is no longer about status; it’s about having the freedom to prioritize what truly matters. Okay na ako sa trabahong kahit hindi managerial o leadership basta may flexibility— like pwedeng matulog during shift o mag time-in/out anytime I want.

𝟰. 𝗢𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗱𝗼𝘂𝗯𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝗷𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗲𝘆, 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

For so long, impostor syndrome followed me like a shadow, whispering that I wasn’t enough. But this year, I’ve started to shed those insecurities. I’ve seen my capabilities firsthand, and I’m slowly learning to trust in my skills and contributions. Growth doesn’t happen overnight, but every step away from self-doubt is a progress, and I am still a work in progress.

𝟱. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹

I’ve come to understand that people must take responsibility for their emotions. If someone has an issue with me, it’s their responsibility to communicate it. I no longer exhaust myself trying to fix misunderstandings or navigate mind games. Life is too short to carry burdens that aren’t mine to bear.

𝟲. 𝗧𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄𝘁𝗵 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗲𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂

The weight of past traumas felt lighter this year—not because they disappeared, but because I’ve grown stronger. Maturity has helped me carry those burdens with more grace and less resentment. Healing isn’t about erasing the pain; it’s about building resilience to live beyond it. I also realized na ang laking bagay talaga na may support system ka.

𝟳. 𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗻𝘂𝗿𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲, 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻

This year, I’ve come to value relationships that feel mutual. The people who matter most don’t demand something from you constantly—they simply enjoy your presence. I’ve learned to invest in connections where I’m celebrated for who I am, not what I can offer.

To you who are reading, may your household have no illness, no funerals, and may your table never run out of food to serve. Happy New Year!

[sheblogstoo]

1st - I captured this sunrise at 5:17 AM. The light you see is what I call "Makabugwas." I grew up hearing stories from my mom about our hometown, and one of my favorites is the tale of this star. There were once orphans named Taghapunon and Makabugwas. After losing their parents, the gods turned them into stars, but the catch was that they were never meant to meet. Taghapunon is the first and brightest star you'll see after the sun sets, while Makabugwas is the last bright star before the sun rises. According to the story, "maabot an panahon nga magkikita iton nga mga bituon kun ribok na an kalibutan" (When doomsday comes, that's when these two stars will finally meet). Ever since, I always search for them whenever I witness sunsets and sunrises. There's a small hope in me that Taghapunon and Makabugwas haven't met yet so I can continue to witness the sky's ability to transform into beautiful colors.

2nd - Being a puto lover, I came accross an old lady selling kakanin at 6 in the morning. I bought these cute ones for P20. Only a few people knows how much I love puto.

3rd - Slow morning after a Friday shift means sleeping without setting an alarm and waking up to enjoy the first meal of the day at 3 PM. Sunny-side-up eggs and maling combo never disappoint.

I cherish the privilege of working remotely, which allows me to savor these simple joys of everyday life. Sometimes, we just need to slow down and take a moment to appreciate the things we have. You'll be surprised by the abudance of beauty you've overlooked.

[sheblogstoo]

An Open Letter To My Best Friend

I've been staring at my laptop screen for about two minutes already, thinking about how to start this letter. Now that I figured it out, let me tell you a fact about something related to the universe.

Somewhere in the vast universe out there, a star is nearing the end of its lifespan. Stars die when they run out of nuclear fuel, and their life expectancy depends on their mass. So the bigger the star, the faster its fuel supply burns up. But unlike what most people imagine about dying, stars don't die quietly. They don't just close their eyes and fade into the dark fabric of time and space. They go all out, fusing a good number of elements on the periodic table and unparalleled brightness. They also sometimes damage their neighboring stars. A dramatic exit. A supernova.

Now, why am I telling you all this? I remember a conversation we had a long time ago where you asked me if I was afraid of dying. I can't remember your answer, but I remember saying no. It's the people I'm going to leave that I'm scared of. I'm afraid of being a pain in their ass, even in the afterlife. If ever there is such a thing. I've been having a rough time again. What I mean by that is all my what if, could have been, and why would cloud me and come all at once that I would feel helpless, not being able to fight them back. So I just let them. The following day after a night of crying myself to sleep, I got an email you wrote back in May 2022. That was the first ever "letter" that I got in my entire life.

I was cut off from the first question in your email. You are asking how I am. I mustered all the courage and energy to think about the best way to answer it. 

I have always felt like I'm healing all the time. What I mean by that is I go through the usual things I do in life, get hurt, recover from it, and then start the process all over again. It gets draining, making me wonder if I will ever be in that "complete" state of healing. But I learned it from you to understand and go through the process because there is no other way.

Just a few months ago, we celebrated your win from passing the licensure exam. And just a few weeks ago, I had my teaching demonstration and interview for a teaching job I applied for. I know you know it already, but I just want to tell you again that I feel happy and relieved to be able to finally do something that my younger self would be proud of. I still remember our conversations back then talking about our dreams, and it makes me so happy that some of our aspirations are now slowly coming to life. We've known each other for I think, 11 years now, and I'm not kidding when I say that you are my best friend. Most people say that growing up means losing friends. But my definition of growing up would mean nothing if it meant not having you as my friend. A vivid memory I have about us was when I came to see you in Calbayog after not coming home for seven years, and we never even hugged, and I know it's because of the fact that we are not "physically" affectionate. It's amazing to think that it felt like I never really left. We grew, we changed, but our conversations still feels like the usual us back in high school.

The night before I read the email you sent me, I had "one of those nights". I thought about how my family would feel if the next morning they'd see me unalive. I thought about what my friends were all going to tell about me if they posted about their mourning. You know, I always believed that the universe was watching over me. And that she sends over signs even when I don't need them. I know the email you sent me was one of them. 

I was reminded that life is still beautiful after all. There are beautiful things that are worth saving and parts worth staying at. There are people who value my life and consider me a part of theirs. Thank you for reminding me that all the bad stuff going on in my life right now is just part of that healing process. And that I have to go through them. I am learning. 

I am proud of you. Of us. I may not know every detail in your life, but I know that you also have a fair share of the shittload this earth has. That you make mistakes, and I know you try to learn from them. Healing is not linear. Our future selves will thank our present selves for going through the tricky part. Most of the things that are difficult for us are often products of our thinking. We have to take things easy and control our minds. There are situations we can't manage, but our reactions can be. Let's not be afraid of healing, even when it gets complicated. The process will shape us into the person we are growing to be. 

I can't wait to sit without and talk about death, heaven and earth, religion, politics, and all other things we can think about. I can't wait for the day when we will talk about our past selves and laugh about them. Are you afraid of dying? Whatever your answer is, I hope it will be peaceful for you. I want to think that all people dying on earth become stars. The good ones or those with more value for you get to be the brightest. I know one day, you will be one of them. If you are ever a star in the cosmos, your dying will outshine the galaxy. You will be very bright. Please don't ask me why. I can't think of any more metaphors for that.

Thank you, Kong, for everything. Life is indeed beautiful, after all. I love you, and I am proud of you. You are kind and not perfect, but you have a huge capacity for love.

Love,

One Of The May Lives You Inspire

[sheblogstoo]

Monthly Dump: September

Wow! August went by so fast, and here I am writing another entry for my monthly dump post. Nothing much has happened this month. I stayed most of the time at home, but I could recall a few things that highlight this September. 

I rarely visit my relatives, so when Mama asked me to go with her to visit my Lolo, I instantly said yes. He was the younger brother of Mama's father, and it was the third time they had met, so when he and his family saw us, his apos, they were so happy. We had lunch together with some of my cousins that I didn't even get to know the names of. 

Someone got me a guitalele! Receiving gifts is not my language, so when I receive presents in any form, it will take a lot of discussions first before I say yes or they agree that I give them something in return. This one is so hard for me to learn because I got used to a ukulele, and the tuning is different from a guitar. But I will surely learn this one!

The old place where I stayed had a beautiful view of sunrise and sunset. So it was one of the few things I missed when I moved into a new one. I don't often get to see sunsets any more, so I really am happy when I'm able to see one. The one in the photo is from an overpass in EDSA. Such a beauty!

I went to the Globe Music Fest! I saw many artists perform live, like Unique, The Juans, and I Belong To The Zoo. The night's highlight was me finally jumping along to Atin Ang Mundo and singing along to Mundo. It was a night to remember!

September was also a challenging month for my mental and emotional health. Good thing I survived it! And actually, we are down to 3 more months before the year ends. I'm a bit excited about what's yet to happen, but right now, I want to take a lot of time for myself for the next month. See you in October!

[sheblogstoo]

Monthly Dump: August

It was August of last year (2021) when I started making camera dump videos where I compile images and videos that highlight my month and post it on my social media. This year, I decided to also start doing a monthly blog post about how my month went. And I’m also starting it with August. August is not that sentimental to me, but I guess it will be now. 

So here are the highlights of my August:

I finally dyed my hair red. Well, it’s not totally red because it’s a mix of Bremod’s Burgundy and Red. It’s been a lifelong dream to have my hair dyed and I’m so happy I finally achieved it without my mom scolding me. She even helped me that day. :D

I wrote a new song entitled Kahit Di Mo Sabihin. I really wanted to link the demo file here but I feel like it’s not the time yet. I started making my own songs with my ukulele guitar, and this song’s what I considered the most special one. All because I had to watch vlogs by Chiro Miranda, TONEEJAY, and Rico Blanco, before writing it because I wanted it to turn out good. For me it did. I’ll share more about my song soon! Not a pro, but pwede na.

I finished reading My Heart and Other Blackholes. It was a good book. I had fun reading it and learned a lot about the life of someone plotting her own death. I’m happy that I’m slowly getting back to reading again.

I made friends with the resident cat in the apartment/building where I’m staying. I named her Mingkay which I usually play with at 3 am when I take breaks from my work. Sadly, we aren’t allowed to give her food, but I’m allowed to play with her. I once gave her a cat treat tho, I just had to turn my back to the CCTV so the landlady won’t see us. 

I had a lunch out with some of my college friends. It felt good to be socializing again after staying at home for months. And it’s nice to see familiar faces again and talk about our lives after 2-3 years of not seeing each other. 

It was a fun month. A rollercoaster ride I guess. Shred a lot of tears, had a breakdown but also laughed a lot of times. I guess that is the cycle of my life. I’m excited for the next month’s entry!

[sheblogstoo]

dreams are said to be windows into the lives of our multiversal selves.

i now want to be reminded by this every time i dream about you

— about us sharing laughter in the street as we walk home exchanging smiles in the same room drinking beer by the beach

i hope that somewhere out there, my dreams are real. that way, i know the other versions of me are genuinely happy.

if the multiverse theory is real, i hope i fall in love with you in every other universe too.

[sheblogstoo]

I used to have bad vivid dreams. I could remember almost every detail of them when I woke up. But when I met you, I started wanting to have dreams every time I went to sleep. I never had a bad dream with you in it. I would always dream about you smiling at me, us giggling in the street watching the sunset, us going on road trips, and us drinking beer at the beach. Every beautiful dream I'll have with you gives me comfort every time I wake up. And what's more beautiful than that is that my dreams are extension of my reality. Right at that moment of realization, I knew what you actually feel like — home.

[sheblogstoo]

Beginnings

In my January entry for this month, I wanted to talk about beginnings. I sum up the things I learned this month into three things, and I’d like to share them with you all. 

1. Find joy in the ordinary. Happiness always begins in small things. Joy is just around all of us. Joy is when your playlist’s on shuffle and your jam comes in. Joy is when you’re having fun and realize that you haven’t slept for hours without stressing out from the thought of it. It can be about witnessing the first rays of the sun and drinking Yakult outside. It can be about hearing the sound when opening an ice-cold at noon. I realized that happiness is not always fancy. We just have to look around because they are always there. Most importantly, just look up if you feel like running out of things to make you smile. There is always something serotonin-inducing in the sky

2. Allow yourself to new experiences. First-times are frightening but remember that you’ll never know a thing unless you try it. We need to let ourselves learn. Along with this, we have to remember that no one is good at anything at first. So we have to be patient with ourselves. If it doesn't turn out the way we wanted it to be, the experience should be our best takeaway. If we are too afraid to get out of our comfort zones, we may not discover something incredible. I always think about a line from Greyson Chance’s Waiting Outside The Lines: “You'll never enjoy your life living inside the box — You're so afraid of taking chances; how are you gonna reach the top?”.

3. Don’t be afraid of beginnings. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. You just have to take the first step. I now would like to remind myself of all the changes and risks that I took from the past that made me survive this far. I have been through a lot of endings and beginnings. So if I have accepted them before, how can I not even do it today? The first steps are always scary, I know. But I realized that there’s no other way around for us to experience something. It always starts with it — start. 

[sheblogstoo]

To my 2022 self

This is your 2021 self writing you a letter in case no one still writes you one. How are you doing? I hope your heart is happy while you are reading this. In summary, 2021 was not a good year for us because it has thrown us stones we never expected to come our way. But you were also able to conquer those. Despite the countless nights where you cry yourself to sleep, there were mornings where you choose to get up and continue in this life. To that 2022 version of ourselves, I just want to let you know that it is okay to fall sometimes. It is okay if all you manage to do in a day is just survive. It is also okay to ask for help and find a shoulder to lean on especially at times where you felt the need for it.

I hope you prioritize your mental and physical health over anything else. I hope you are getting enough sleep. You should drink water more often. I hope you are traveling more often than last year. I hope you are also acing your job and are doing well. Take some time alone if needed. Do not be afraid to say no. It's okay to take risks but remember that a simple yes could make a huge difference. Learn and heal at your own pace. You also don't need to explain every decision you make to anyone. I hope you also learn to interact with people you are comfortable with. But also remember that it's okay if your friends can't be with you at times you need them. It's okay to be uninvited, to be the last option.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you love yourself more. There's more to this life. I hope you have more beautiful dreams and more good songs to discover. I am proud of you, of the person that you are now, and the person that you are yet to become. Hold on a little longer. Better days are coming.

With love,

Your 2021 self.

[sheblogstoo]

A coming-of-age (kinda thing)

I just turned 22 last month. Aside from finally relating to Taylor Swift's 22 songs, I have always looked forward to that age before. And now that I finally reached that age, realizations started to hit me eventually. Here's a wrap-up of my coming-of-age kinda thing. 

1. I avoided a lot of people this year. I chose to because I felt like I didn't have the energy to sustain a conversation with them. It came as a realization to me that it's definitely okay to not have friends around. People change. People grow apart. You should too. People enter our lives for various reasons. Some people are there for a lifetime, and some are there for a different purpose, to teach us something in a shorter time frame. 

I always had this fear of rejection from people. I am too ashamed even to say "Hi" to my old pals because I don't know how to respond when they answer "Okay lang naman ako" to my "Kumusta ka na?". But I cut that shit out. If you miss someone, reach out to them. You might not know it, but your simple hello or hi might save them. On the other way around, maybe to them, you are that someone that is meant to meet them for a shorter time frame. So make the most of it. 

2. I ended a 3-year long relationship with someone. It took me a lot of courage to do it, but I did it anyway. I learned that if it's no longer good for you, you have all the right to let it go. The other person might not understand your side, but you should make an effort to let them know. Explain even if they can understand it yet. One day, when you meet again, words will no longer be needed for both of you to understand why such a thing happened. Heal on your own timeline. 

3. It's okay not to have your life figured out yet. We live and learn every day. We still have a lot of time to discover new things, and our minds will change a lot. It's okay if you see people of your age achieving and pursuing things while you can't. It's your life anyway. As long as you're pushing yourself every day towards the person you want to become, you're doing it right. But even if you're not, it's also alright. Don't punish yourself if all you do is just survive. You are on your own timeline. 

4. Not everyone will like you, and it's okay. What matters is what you think about yourself. Embrace what makes your feel happy. 

5. This one actually feels like the most important item here. It's not too late to take responsibility for an offense you did in the past. Especially if it's been heavy baggage, you've been carrying around. Forgiveness is not an easy thing to give, but it's possible. At times, those baggage are things that keep us from moving forward. Take all the time you need to muster up some courage to admit your mistakes and let them take the people your hurt all the time to heal. Also, apologies are useless without the intention to change. You hold that responsibility to that. Most importantly, forgive yourself too. 

-----

I am happy that I can finally say I'm working on my betterment. I am excited about the idea of finally making the most of what I have right now — freedom and time. To end this post, I want to toast for the versions of ourselves that we once imagined but never happened. It's not too late to be what you could have been. 🥂 Run your own pace. 

[sheblogstoo]

Para sa mga namahay ng mga multo ng nakaraan

Hindi ako sanay matulog nang may ilaw. Nasisilaw ako sa liwanag. Nakakapaso at nakakabahala. Pakiramadam ko'y kasunod ng unang kislap ng ilaw ay s'ya namang lingon ng mga matang mapanghusga. Nakikita nila ang kahubdan ng kaluluwa ko.

Pagkauwi ko kanina, tinanggal ko lahat ng saplot kong tanging karamay ko sa paglalaboy. Oo, pinipilit ko pa ring takasan ang mga anino ng mga kahapon na kasama ka.

Labing-siyam na buwan at anim na araw na ang nakalipas. Itong klase ng pag-iisa ay wala pa ring senyales ng katahimikan.

Naaamoy ko pa rin ang gatas na tinitimpla mo sa tuwing hindi ka makatulog. Naririnig ko ang mga yabag ng paa mo mula sa banyo kada gabi dahil sabi m'oy kasalanan ang pagtulog nang hindi naghihilamos. Nalalasahan ko pa rin ang tamis ng mga hagikhik mo mula sa mga hilig mong panoorin. Dama ko pa rin ang init ng hininga mo sa tuwing maglalapit ang mga mukha natin sa pagtulog. Wala kang kaalam-alam kung ilang beses ko nang tinakasan ang antok dahil mas ginusto kong tignan ang mukha mo.

Pagkatapos kong magbihis ay ibinaba ko ang kapeng dala ko mula sa labas at saka tinignan ang relo. Nagsimula akong iligpit ang bawat gamit na nagpapaalala sa akin ng mga multo ng nga alaala mo. Isa na lang ulit ang tuwalya sa banyo. Nasa basurahan na ang sabon at koloreteng gamit mo sa tuwing maghihilamos ka. Hindi na rin sobra ng isa ang bilang ng mga kubyertos ko. Nagpalit na ako sa kutson at tinapon ang puting damit ko na huli mong hiniram.

Ngayong gabi, pinili kong hindi patayin ang ilaw. Hahayaan kong usisain ako ng mga multong ilang ulit kong ibinahay dito. Napaghandaan ko na ang mga pagpaparamdam mo. Hindi na ako magugulat sa mga kalabog, sitsit, at bulong ng pangalan ko.

Hindi ko papatayin ang ilaw pero huwag mo sanang ikagalit kung sa pagpikit ko ay siya namang pagkalunod ko sa kinang ng mga mata mo.Pangako, araw-araw naman akong aahon.

[sheblogstoo]

Napaisip lang ako bigla. Nakakamiss pala talaga yung dati anoh?

Yung nga memorial parks at simbahan na masarap tambayan. Yung mga food parks na mapupuntahan mo pag bored ka lang. Yung pagsakay sa jeep at bus na kahit siksikan, matutuwa ka kasi iba't ibang mukha nakikita mo. Yung maeenjoy mo maglakad-lakad kasi di ka nasusufocate kasi wala kang mask at faceshield. Yung mga weekend getaway na mabilis mong magawa.

Lahat yan nagagawa ko mag-isa. Kahit wala pang pandemic, wala naman na kasi talaga akong nakakasama. Karamihan sa mga tao namimiss mga kaibigan nila sa ganitong sitwasyon. Pero ako, mas lumalala ang longing ko sa mga taong di ko naman talaga nakasama. Kaya mas namimiss ko na lang yung mga dati kong nagagawa.

[sheblogstoo]

Malaya na tayo

Nakita kitang umiiyak. Doon sa lugar na lagi kong pinupuntahan isang beses sa isang buwan. Dahil dito...dito, tinitingala ko ang b'wan at nginingitian naman niya ako. Nakita kita. Hindi iyon ang inaasahan kong simula. Pero doon tayo nagsimula. Iniabot ko ang kamay ko sa'yo kasabay ng panandalian mong pagtahan. At sa unang beses na nakita kitang luhaan, may nakita akong kalawakan. Nilakbay ko ito pero iba ang nararamdaman ko. Lungkot. Pangungulila. Takot. Bigla akong nakabalik sa mundo nang tinabig mo ang kamay ko. "Bakit ka andito?" Tumabi ako sa'yo. Hindi ko pinagmasdan ang b'wan at ang mga bituin. Noong gabing 'yon wala akong narinig na kaluskos o kuluglig. Pinakinggan lang kita. Pinakinggan ko ang nga hikbi mo at doon, nakilala kita. Hinayaan mong yakapin kita. Unang beses ko ring nasilayan ang ngiti mo at doon, sa gabing yon, minahal kita.

Natutunan mong hawakan ang kamay ko. Na para bang wala kang ibang nakikita at nararamdaman kundi ang dati mong kalawakan na nabago ko. Natutunan kong punasan ang mga luha at isandal ang ulo mo sa balikat ko. Na para bang may nagsasabi sa aking "ito ang mundo mo-ito ang dapat pakinggan mo". Natutunan nating lakbayin ang kalawakan. Sabay nating minahal ang b'wan. Ang dilim. Ang liwanag sa ilalim ng mga bituin.

Minahal kita. At sa maikling panahong iyon, alam kong minahal mo rin ako. Hindi ko inasahang magtatapos, pero mahal tapos na. May para bang bulalakaw o kung ano na bumagsak at sumabog na gumising sa atin na may totoong mundo. 

Mahal hindi na natin kailangang magtago. Hindi na natin maririnig ang pangungutya ng ibang tao. Mahal patawad. Dahil hindi kita mababawi sa mundong nagsasabing bawal dahil pareho tayo. Patawad dahil hindi ko mabago ang pananaw nila na isang Adan ang para sa isang Eba na gaya mo. Masyadong makapangyarihan ang mundo. Nawasak nito ang ating kalawakan. Winala ang mga bituin at binawi ang b'wan sa atin. Iniisip ko nalang, siguro nahirapan na rin ang panahon na pagkasyahin sa habambuhay ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo kaya hanggang dito nalang tayo. Hindi ito ang gustong kong pagtatapos. Ayaw kong magtapos. Pero mahal... Mahal, tapos na. -  072517