I think the only thing keeping me alive at this point is a fear that I might be keeping others alive. The people I've surrounded myself with are catching up to me as far as my existential dread and I can't use others as distractions from myself... Although I've always had a self imposed guilt looming in the back of my head. For a while being the leg for broken stools gave my life purpose but a lot of these stools are realizing the floor is absent. I don't know if I feel bad that people I care for are hitting dead ends or if I'm just selfish and upset I can't ride their draft. In moments of isolation I've always felt like a leach but I was able to spark synthetic purpose by having my presence appreciated through a persona of faux energy and support but it's hard to block out the rest. No one has left my life but I feel more alone than ever and I can't explain it and I don't expect it to be understood and I don't want to accept it and I don't want anyone else to accept it but it still remains present. Since birth their have been so many voices in my head and I've never been able to distinguish a personal identity from them. It's just a constant shouting match of contradictions, a barrage of self hate that surpasses social influence. One of my earliest memories was one of my episodes, I don't think it's normal to be thinking like that at such a young age. I wonder if that fucked with my development. Ever since it has been a losing battle of weightless distractions with periodic breakdowns. Each one seems to be getting worse. I don't think I'll ever be able to bridge that gap. I don't think it would ever fucking matter. Nothing will ever fucking matter. The time I've spent on this useless plea is not a waste as there is nothing to fucking waste. Mankind's fucking temper tantrum. Historically and consistently since the point of self actualization, fucking pathetic. Why the fuck does it still hurt so much to see all this suffering. Why the fuck am I so hardened towards myself but not others knowing full well how pointless it is. Is this the outcome of brainwashing? Stimulation of empathy implanted and engraved since birth? Why is it not reversible? Why can't I just wash my hands and be free. I'm afraid of dying without closure. Why would that even mean anything to me? This makes no feasible sense. Can I admit there are some things so profound they surpass our laws and worlds. Yeah I don't subscribe to that bullshit. I'm so tired of disecting myself. I'm too tired to disect those around me. I'm too tired to bother. Fuck it all. Goodnight.
