Untitled @sheeelaazhang - Tumblr Blog

Posts

I haven’t touched art in a long time and honestly I miss it. Today I took time away from writing my paper due on Friday to design my friend’s skateboard! She is one of my best friends from high school and she’s here for exchange for a quarter so I really wanted to do something special for her! I was rlly happy when I showed her the final result and she seemed to really like it :)

It was so nice to finally do something creative again. She gave me very specific requests for what she wanted on the skateboard, like the Chinese character that means home, and the sihouette of the man from her favourite movie. For the hour I worked on this my attention was completely focused on it - I haven’t felt “in the zone” for so long and it reminded me of why I love drawing in the first place!! I will make it my New Years resolution to get back into art :)

The tldr version of the previous post and stuff that I have concluded since it’s been a few days is:

Practice moderation

Moderation is the idea that “an individual should avoid extremes and instead focus on having a life committed to balance and wholeness” which is going to be something I will try and pursue for the rest of my life. I realised I’ve been in SO many situations where I’m experiencing what feels like the highest moment of my life, followed by a series of unfortunate events, or an accident or something that ruins that high. Same goes the other way where I feel like I’m in a rut and just as unexpected something amazing happens that completely changes my perspective. I have chosen to ignore this constant cycle of highs and lows and instead have let my emotions take full control of the situation which has fked me over way too many times. I need to be more conscious and aware of my emotions. It’s good to celebrate your highs but do so in moderation, this is also a reminder that the worst moments in life will pass. I need to better regulate how I experience these moments in my life; this will be my goal for the rest of 2019!!

lol what a mess since i’ve been back in hk.. like seriously how can so much happen in just a little over 48 hours...

this feels like the only safe space that i can resort to rn so i’ll do all my ranting and internalizing here

so i got back on the 17th and it was going to be an amazing day (and for the most part it was) i got to see my best friend Deanna and we decided to go clubbing that night (probably shouldve thought it through since i arrived that morning) but i was hyped because i didn’t really let loose in sussex and my other friend Kelly was also in town so we all wanted to go out tgt... so i went HARD. like i chugged so much vodka and long island ice teas in a span of an hour and when we got to the club i honestly can’t rmb much. My friend’s brother had a table so we got into the club free and it was gonna be great, we got in at 12-1, but at 1:30 JUST HALF AN HOUR IN my friend was like dude your bag is open. I LOOKED DOWN AND MY PHONE WAS GONE. I STARTED PANICKING because i was so drunk, didn’t rmb bits of my night already and i was trying so hard to recount where i last used it etc

so i went on a search that WHOLE NIGHT to try and find my phone. it felt like a fking rave in that club like there were so many people and i just rmb legit pushing people out of the way and searching the entire dance floor lol. i also went into the toilet and this black girl thought i was cutting the line and i was tryna explain to her i was just gonna go into the cubicle for a sec to check if my phone was there, she wasn’t listening and grabbed my shoulder and I SHOVED HER SO HARD and we almost got into a fight but my best friend pulled us apart. (ok the adrenaline felt really nice but after sobering up i can’t believe i became so aggressive under the influence of alcohol)

so for the rest of the night my friends were trying to help me, everyone looked so concerned and i felt like i just ruined the night for everyone. i started HEAVY CRYING and obviously your emotions are heightened w alcohol and i started bringing up other stuff that was bothering me - and i guess one big thing was how legit i came back from sussex wishing at least my mom was home but she left for some buddhist retreat thing so im all alone. my dad’s not here and tbh i don’t even know if i can rely on him for this kind of stuff. my brother’s all the way in new york working. i felt so alone and lost, like all my friends have family at least to care for them but i felt like i didn’t. so everything just came out and i felt like such a huge burden to my friends. i think i might have even went around saying to ppl how my parents were separated, pouring my whole sob story EVEN THO some of u guys may know that like legit none of my high school friends know that about my family and for years and years that was my deepest insecurity. so for me to just say it to anyone makes me feel like utter shit but i cant exactly rmb...

my best friend’s boyfriend was so patient with me, him and Deanna kept going back to the club with me to check “one last time” even though it was probably the 50th time. Some helped contact the manager of the club and even asked for the lost and found. Oh forgot to mention i ALSO LOST MY KEYS??? but thank god it was in the lost and found. i think what happened was there was a thief that night because some other ppl lost their phones/wallets too. and the thief probably grabbed whatever they could from my bag and didn’t need the keys so dropped it on the ground.

anyways thats not the point, the point was i’ve never felt so sad in my life. like after sobering up yesterday i hung out w some people and they were telling me how much of a mess i was. and like deanna was saying how kelly was PISSED and like when i started crying and shifted my emotions from making it about losing my phone to my parents she said “not this again, its always about her parents” and when i heard that, i think my heart legit broke lol. it’s so hurtful to think that i was such a burden and that some of my friends were annoyed with me. makes me feel even worse about myself, and i felt like my problems weren’t real problems or I was being “repetitive”. apparently i was also like “touchy” like grabbing my best friends bf’s hand and this other guys hand but I HONESTLY didnt have that intention at all i only did in the club when i was going backt o search for my phone so we’d all stay together and not get lost. fuck it just sucks to hear all of this the next day and i feel so ashamed of myself and legit i just want to retreat back into a hole and erase these past 48 hours.

whats worse: being confused about someone’s intentions periodically and choosing to live in the moment or finally getting an answer that you didn’t want to hear?

an 8 week intensive physics program is for sure eye-opening, and i learned a lot in terms of how to better manage my time, how to cram a bunch of information in a matter of days, but i think the real lesson i gained so far this summer is that I still have so much growing to do. So much confidence and self-love to gain. Can’t wait to be back home where I can figure it all out at my own pace, without any distractions.

I am finally homeee!! It is so nice to come home to my mom's cooking:) After reading Ryan's post, I have decided to set some goals too just so I can keep myself accountable

1. get back into art - I might splurge on some new art supplies and experiment with new mediums hehe (maybe try create something once a day)

2. Practice self-care - going to sleep earlier, taking better care of my skin, drinking more water

3. Applying to labs/internship stuff + reading emails + figuring out my classes - really don't want to do this but I keep putting it off

ALSO RANDOM SIDENOTE: I finished the entire first season of killing eve on the plane and it was so good!! The main actress is Sandra Oh (she's on grey's) and I would 10/10 recommend if you like detective/murder mystery/psychopath drama tv shows :)))

vietnamesecorduroy

LMAOOOO I DONT WANNA STUDY ANYMORE FUCK

Our new album “Love Me / Love Me Not” is out now: https://atlanti.cr/LoveMe-LoveMeNot Subscribe to our channel: https://atlanti.cr/HONNE-SUBSCRIBE This is an...

Current favorite song !! I love Honne, kind of sad I missed their concert in September but I’m glad I’m getting into them now :) also good luck with finals everyone !! <3

thatlinearttho

Fuckkk hii guysss I think im gonna start writing here once in a while because I've been reading some of your posts here and some of the things you guys talk about really resonate with me.

I think I was so reluctant to write because I don't know, writing about something makes it real and it is so much easier to push it aside and not think about it.

right now I'm in my moms hotel room, my mom and aunt have jet lag LOL 12 hour time difference so they are knocked out while I have my earphones in listening to a playlist Ashley created for me lolol with simpy music on the bed beside them, feeling kind of sad actually??

Like I feel like this quarter I've NEEDED to be constantly surrounded by people to keep my mind off of my break up and whenever I am alone, can't sleep or something, my mind just wanders to all the sad things that I'd rather forget.

Thanksgiving break has been going great, I've spent half of my time hanging out with fam and the other half with one of my best friends from high school just chilling watching tv shows. But idk. I can tell she's really happy because she has this thing going on with a guy, and she talks about him all the time and although I am really happy for her, I feel like it just opens up the wound that I've been trying to keep closed, and just makes me feel how alone I am right now. Like yeah I've accepted that we've broken up and that I need to focus on myself, but why does my stupid brain have to keep projecting all the good fking times of our relationship, it just sucks. And fuck reading Leanne's post about how she still thinks about what he's doing and wondering if he is okay and moving on really hit me hard because I still think about that too sometimes AND ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS. I really hope this feeling can just go away. Also the guy came back from thanksgiving to celebrate my friends bday and so they are obviously hanging out rn but I'm waiting for her to get back to me on where we are having dinner tonight?? She's not really responding and idk I'm just here waiting and feeling like I've been pushed aside OK I SOUND LIKE a sensitive bitch but with all these emotions going on idk. :( I'm happy she's happy but I can't help thinking about myself. I don't know when I can fully move on from this because it really does feel like it just sneaks up on you at moments that are so unexpected and random, but I try to think positive and believe that I can eventually overcome this.

Reflection: the end?

It is crazy to think back to the beginning of this quarter and see how far we’ve all come as individuals and as a group. I still remember seeing everyone for the first time in front of Tom Bradley. I was four minutes late, and I remember seeing a bunch of faces turn as I sprinted over to join the circle. I was shy, I was overwhelmed by all the amazing individuals that stood before me, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Seeing such a large group as well scared me, I started to overthink, how is our group dynamic going to be like, am i going to make friends, will they like me? All these questions ran through my head.

Fast forward to today, right now after finally removing the cream out of my hair, I am in bed typing this at 2 in the morning and I can say that I am truly content. I am so grateful that I have found a family that I feel so comfortable being around. I feel like since coming to UCLA I really struggled with finding a tight-knit group of friends, a lot of the friendships I was making here felt fragile and tentative. After all these weeks of getting to know each and everyone of you, including the actives and the PMs through interviews, I can say with clarity that I am so happy with where I am now.

@tamlynsasaki honestly from the moment we talked in front of tom bradley and then having you by my side in the car during i-night, I knew we would get along. I love you for being so understanding and for being someone that I can always talk to about long distance relationships and problems I am facing.

@micheleshi my JPPPP! I am so happy we got paired together. Your radiant personality literally lights up my day and I always feel super happy and can’t help smiling when I am with you! Thanks for always having my back and for being so patient with my last minuteness. I love you very much!

@han-hannah HANNAH! You are one of the sweetest people ever. You are so genuine and kind and caring and hardworking and honestly just someone I look up to! You put your all into what you do and thank you for taking such detailed notes during monday meetings, we really couldn’t have done it without you. I love you!

@jtran9816 JACKIE! I’m so glad that we’ve gotten to talk more! Your facial expressions are 10/10 and you are so sweet for reading my rants on tumblr and actually privately messaging me about it to see how I am doing. Thank you for reaching out and I appreciate you so much <3 <3 ILY

@tranyconnie CONNAAYYY CONNIFER CONCON tbh I was lowkey intimidated by you at first because you seemed so confident and good and dancing and ahh! I am so glad that I got to joke around with you/drink/talk to you to realize you are super chill and ilysm

@andyaliao andy i literally love you so much! from the moment I first met you I wanted to b your friend because you are so genuine and sweet and easy to talk to! I feel like I can really talk to you about anything and you are so understanding and nice about it! Love you forever <3

@brigittephung22 brigitteeee literally I knew no one when I was rushing so it was nice when we talked because I was like omg yay im making friends! You were so sweet and easy to talk to! I really loved talking to you about relationships during scavenger hunt and i look forward to more talks like that hehehe love you!

(i realized this is a bad idea omg theres 17 other people omg omg ok im going to finish this)

@ryanneis RYANNN! tbh I was so shy in the beginning and your jokes that were LOWKEY RUDE jk actually made me feel like I was more apart of the APPLEGRANDMAZ and it made me more comfortable to be myself and open up! Honestly thank you for that and you will forever be my miming partner so don’t you go miming with anyone else im watching you like a halk

@nguyenevonne omg when you sent me the text apologizing for making jokes that might come across as offensive i was like GIRL NO! literally it made me feel more comfortable actually because I was kinda shy in the beginningggg so thank you!!! I LOVE YOU and honestly everytime I see you and hug you I feel so much better. You also crack me up so much ilysm

@ngkatelyn KATELYNNNNN! Honestly i rmb talking to you during that speed circle rotating thing in front of tom bradley and I was like omg this girl is so social and easy to talk to and cool I want to be friends with her! Lol! You are so easy to talk to ilyy

@heyyyson hayson!! I enjoy reading your tumblr posts a lot! You always have so much to say and a lot on your mind and I love that you are not afraid to share it. I feel like it is so easy to talk to you and you give great advice. Thanks for being there even if it was brief after lock in, I felt so much better <3 LOVE U

@jonathantnguyen JONATHANN! My president! Thank youu for always checking up on me and seeing how I’m doing! You always keep me on track and honestly you are so unfazed by all the sickness/disease/shit that gets thrown onto you and it is really inspiring to see that. one day at a timeee love you!

@leeeaannewooong leeeeaannnneee!! my person-that-stands-next-to-me-every-meeting! ILY! Thank you for always checking to see if im ok after each roast i honestly feel so much better:) You are also so on top of your shit and organized and is definitely someone i look up to! Thank you for being you and ilysmmm

@jackeytang jackeyyyyyy! You are one of the people i rmb during rush because you were super social and always had something to say! ALthough you don’t show affection very much I can see through your actions how much you care about us and how we are doing and ily so much for that. Also love your dark/twisted-ish humorrr :) :)

@gabrielsalazar GABEE the man!!! You crack me up so much omg when you first spelt camaraderie wrong and said it so confidently i squeezed your hand because I couldn’t stop laughing. Everytime you mention public speaking I also laugh sorry:D I love you for being someone I can always have a good time with <3

@heavenhumphreys heavennnn sorry for drawing demon claws on your shirt but i luv u gurlll thanks for always hyping me up even though we both know I can’t dance :D Ily and girl you chugging that tequila you should be the one with tequila in your name not mee :D You’re always so confident and you’re a natural leader that makes sure we actually get shit done so thank you for that <3

@dlam79 DANGGG! LOL my partner for the PAC appreciation eventtt lol we were both so stressed and freaking outt. Thank youu for doing a lot of the work and being so patient and accomodating because of my freaking midterms. You are so on top of your shit, without you i would’ve died lolz also i love your sass and attitude and for putting up with my mess hehe ilysm <3

so uh i think this turned more into an appreciation post than a reflection...but honestly I wouldn’t be who I am now without you guys! even though pledge quarter is almost over we are still going to spend time tgt okkk. I feel like through this quarter the most valuable thing I gained was friendship <3 Apple grandmas for life!!!

Also my title may be misleading but i can say with certainty THIS IS NOT THE END THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING as cheesy as that sounds. Also I lowkey like writing these tumblr posts...im kinda inspired to like keep a daily journal or something. It’s pretty cool to look back and recall what you did :)) OK GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

WEDNESDAY MAY 30

Today was one of the busiest days of my life. I got 2.5 hours of sleep, got up went to take a midterm, rushed chem hw, ran back to my dorm to get my iclicker, raced to class, handed in chem hw and then crammed signatures and emails. I guess this really shows that I am not good at managing my time but it’s okay, I am still learning. I am just so glad that the day is over, and I can finally sleep without an alarm. No classes tmr baby! Watch me wake up at like 2. lol.

TUESDAY MAY 29

I regret not doing more this weekend. But at the same time, I wouldn’t trade anything for some quality time with my dad. but UGHHHHHH I hate being sleep deprived and angsty and annoyed at everything. Tomorrow is literally going to be HELLLLLLLLLLL because I will be doing a midterm, cramming chem + assignments or im not gonna cross guysssszzzzadsadaadsd

I’m so tired and mellow right now, and angsty because I need to study for math instead of doing stuff that I don’t see a point in benefiting me at this moment. :( sorry for the negativity but Im just not feeling it right now

MONDAY MAY 28

Today was a p chill day. I continued my revision and talked to a few people. It has only been a long weekend but I feel like I haven’t seen you guys in foreverrrr. Can’t wait to see you guys in a bit <3 Hopefully we will be productive and get things done fast :) x

SUNDAY MAY 27

Today I was unproductive affff :( I am trying to self-learn the material for my math midterm but it is hard :( I went to the review session at 4 today and it helped clear up some questions that I had but my TA speaks so damn fast and he skips writing some of the steps so I’m just sitting there like WAAA? :( i am going to take it one step at a time, one concept at a time at my own slow ass pace until i get it! I will try get some work done tonight and tomorrow. :( :( wish me luck :( :(

SUNDAY MAY 27

My dad came to visit!!! We went to get lunch at this fancy ass restaurant which I was not prepared for. I looked like a hobo but it’s okay I got to spend quality time with him. I haven’t seen him since he sent me off to college so last september so i am so excited to finally be spending some time with him. I just need to figure out how I am going to study for my midterm too...

FRIDAY MAY 25

TODAY WAS A P CHILL DAY! I went to office hours and felt pretty productive reviewing over my past midterm mistakes. After getting back to my dorm, i realized my eggs got crushed. :((( I WAS SO CLOSE! Maybe I wasn’t careful enough today :( but yeah i need to go wash my bag now...I hope everyone has a good weekendddd, go see your family, friendss, imma catch up on work and spend some quality time with my dad! <3

LOVE YOU LOTS

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Untitled