I don’t know when to start in the first place.
We broke up? After at least four months from February to May
I ended it on the first of June 2026, just about the time for our fifth monthsary. I am completely aware of that. To ease the pain I’ve been holding for two weeks, I will use this as a means of catharsis, because I feel like I am not going anywhere after our breakup—Like I am still in the same spot from where we broke off. What is strange is that I am the one who broke things off in the first place. I didn’t know what to do; he didn’t either.
I don’t know whether to wallow in this grief or to swallow everything like a bitter pill. I have been thinking so much about how to approach this situation that my mind has been going on and on through many debates, whether or not I treat this baggage as lightweight or ten-ton-heavy. Four months. It felt so long, yet so fleeting. A quarter of the year, we have spent our lives melded together and lived a life where we slowly overlapped our dreams. And now, it has turned into pure ruins, where the aftermath of a war has left the home I called before, desolate.
In those four months, we shared a lot of stuff, stuff that I didn’t know I could share, my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my heart, my touch, my body, my trust, almost everything was set up to be forever. It felt bizarre to know I gave almost everything to someone for the first time and to understand that there may be a time when I could give it all again to someone else.
It feels so weird to recognize the memories, the moments we have shared, and experienced as the past. But I need to understand that this is how it works in life: we give almost everything for someone sometimes, in hopes of getting the same thing from them, and to keep the relationship you have, go on ‘til the end. It is a great lesson that I must unfortunately learn and bear.
My dilemma lies in whether I grieve something that felt like a lifetime, when in reality it is nothing but a fickle moment in our lifespan, or to swallow a huge pill, because it felt more clear to act on what is real. Do I feel my feelings in this, or do I suck it up because “it is just four months”
I guess what adds to my hurt in this relationship is that he gave me a promise ring.
You gave me a ring, and I trusted you that the promise it brought to us was real. Told me to look at it, and made me feel that the promise you made to me was symbolized in that object. Yet despite the constant times I looked at it, deeply putting my faith in it, even if it made me question things about myself, I just held that ring tighter, because I thought it was actually something that eventually will make me feel that you're here. But it wasn't. No matter how much I trusted that ring, your actions told me something clearer. And it hurts to put my faith in someone for the first time in a while, and witness them disappoint you again. Everything feels like it's on me, like I'm at fault for pushing this thing that I wanted to trust again. I thought you'd be better.