Daily Dose of my mind.

Don't follow me, I don't know where I'm going.

[shehlovee]

[shehlovee]

Sometimes you circle back to things and wonder why you never gave it a try. 

[shehlovee]

Imagine.

What if it had been different? What if one thing that significantly shaped who I am had not occurred. What if you had never hurt me. What if I didn’t know what pain was. What if I could have peace with who I was instead of blaming myself and seeing nothing but the faulty ideals you made upon me. The simple kind words slipped between your lips rather than the sharp ones that slit through my ears and sunk into my heart. Those painful words that took upon what was vacant in my mind. It settled in and brewed me into the fragile woman I am today. It’s difficult to feel love and I find it much easier to resonate with disappointments and critiques. The cost of restoration for my sanity and to rebuild a foundation of sentimental value for myself has become immense. My faulty self has found comfort in pain and at disbelief when it comes to love and happiness. Instilled with criticism of not being enough, the idea of perfection, and becoming the best or you are worth nothing at all. This battle between myself and my thoughts have become a day-to-day basis. This feeling that creeps into my mind when it has no real occupant, but the objective thought, a distinct memory from you is what still haunts me. This battle I fight feels hopeless because neither I, nor it can win. This constant fight consumes me, drowns me in sadness, and smiles as it leads me to a puddle of depression.

I wish that you could release me from these thoughts, but you are no longer the one who carries the chains. It is I, who’s locked myself in this cage. To which I cannot seem to find the will or a way to set myself free. I am forever chained and a prisoner of my own thoughts..

[wordsnquotes]

You can’t get stuck on what should have happened. That doesn’t help you.

Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie (via wordsnquotes)

[shehlovee]

We try to find pieces of ourselves in others to have something or an ideal we can hold onto. Truth is, find your self in the opposites and you’ll learn new things about yourself

[shehlovee]

The lies we tell ourselves..

“I’m fine.”

Hard to believe I started this stupid tumblr blog when I was 15. That was almost 8 years ago, holy cow.. and I haven’t done much of what I had hoped for with my life.  A few things that float through my mind lately - just the short version...  (I guess I do these things for myself to look back on)

1 - I cannot believe I’m this bad at math. I’ve probably taken pre-algebra like 4 times by now. I swear, math is the only subject holding me back. I don’t have to try in any of my other classes, but math; math is just so frustrating. I cry literally as soon as I see a problem. It’s bad. I just don’t get it... when will I ever use this shit anyways. 

2 - I have been so stressed out with math I think I developed anxiety. I literally find myself having a hard time breathing when I’m in the class or in generally awkward & uncomfortable situations. I just want finals week to be over.

3 - The doctor diagnosed me with ASD. It’s a heart defect which means I have a literal hole in my heart. All these years I complained about being broken hearted and crying over boys; the irony of having an actual hole in my heart. In disbelief. I tell everyone I’m O-K. I’m fine, but really I’m terrified I’ll end up like my mom. I don’t want to die in surgery. I’m in this offset with myself, should I go through with surgery or not? It’s open heart surgery, I cannot fathom how.. how.. I just can’t. I really don’t want to do it, but I for the people I love and If I want a future .. I have to.  I used to think and was completely settled with the idea that I would die young, but now I’m just not ready. 

4 - I still feel so blessed despite what I’m going through or how bad things may SEEM. I’m lucky to have a roof over my head, good food to enjoy, people that surround me with love, and literally I know my family is watching over me. Every time I’m in desperate need of something, whether it be that I’m down to my last dollar, or I need to focus and get my grades right, it happens. Eventually, something comes my way and it works out. So I know, no matter how bad things might get, something good will come of it. I just know it. & I feel I have to thank whoever is watching over me. 

5 - I’m so silly that I still type all this out... but I hate the way my hand hurts when I’m handwriting. I used to be a sad little girl, but I’m a lot happier now that I realized what I have is more than I could ask for. It’s all about how you view things as cliche as it sounds.

[shehlovee]

Most of us forget where we came from. Most of us take for granted what we have. We do onto others what we don’t wish be done to us.  Broaden your aspects. Open your eyes. See beauty in the things that aren’t ordinarily beautiful. 

Seek them out, because they are there. It may be a little harder to find but most of the things worth while usually takes a little more effort. In other words, that’s  what makes it that much more special. 

[shehlovee]

My own worst critic imagining all these scenarios that may or may never come true... and these thoughts drive my actions... even though I’m not so sure by my thinking only could cause this thing to break.  My damn insecure got me locked up in my mind imagining the worst things and there fore I confuse it with really. Some please PULL ME OUT

[obozzobo]

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a C. You give 110% to someone in a relationship who only gives 40%. You’re there for a best friend at 3:00am and the next day they don’t pick up their phone. It seems like you’re giving everyone everything, and they’re just walking away with it.

[shehlovee]

is it though 

[shehlovee]

When shit goes down, sides are taken. That's when you find out who's real and who's faking.

[shehlovee]

the important thing is not to be bitter over life`sdisappointments. learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won`t be sunny. and when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it`s only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home.

[shehlovee]

The times you'd argue with me, I wasn't fighting with you. I was fighting to BE with you.

[shehlovee]

I sometimes feel an airy space in my mind, call it an out of body experience. These thoughts, plenty of mix thoughts that I can't piece together. I'm losing my mind. I feel like I've overworked it to much.

[shehlovee]

For those of you who feel put down, and forgotten. Please know that you are not. Please remember you are just as worthy as any other soul. I used to find myself to be the worst person in the world, but that was only in my haunting mind. There is so much to be seen, for there is more to be understood beyond what we think we know. I may be speaking gibberish, but if you could follow into a deeper conscience. Not just the small fish at the top, but the bigger fish that swim low in your mind. Think about those, use those to help you make decisions. Do not get distracted by minor fish at the top of the river.

[shehlovee]

To simply know that one simple kind hearted gesture can lead to many more kind hearted gestures. 

[shehlovee]

Hey Leslie, i discovered your tumblr about 5 years ago and i used to visit so frequently. loved reading your thoughts and your point of views in life. but then i stopped because i got caught up in the hectic uni life. i don't know what made me think of you today in this very moment but here i am.. it's so good to see you're doing fine :) love you always

Thank you, I hope life is treating you as well as it has been for me.<3

[shehlovee]

Need love in more than just the fractions