So I have an older brother, six years older than I am. As a toddler, my brother is extremely active and energetic like a “bouncy ball ricocheting around the house”, as my mom described. She had to hold on having another child until my brother reached a reasonable age, which is six. When I was finally born, my brother was very gentle and caring around me, to my mother’s relief. He even insisted that he should be the one to name me. “She’s my little sister, so I should name her,” he said. I hold dear the name he has given to me up until now.
Growing up, both of us get along well for siblings. We regularly have fights and quarrels, but we mostly tolerate each other’s company. He had a lot of influence in my hobby. He mostly introduced me to many cartoons and games he loves.
I look up to my brother a lot during my junior and senior high school days because he had things I didn’t. He was that popular, outgoing, extroverted kid that could be friends with anyone. He is the class clown, the sports enthusiast, the MC, and the mood maker. I wasn’t jealous of him since we’re two very different people. Still, I hoped to have some of his confidence.
Now that I’m older and looking back, perhaps my brother is the one who is always compared to me. I have good grades and is a relatively model student. He, on the other hand, sometimes failed his subjects.
As he entered college, he became more mature, and we had less dumb fights. He used to belittle and tease me, but it changes. At that time, I was in a dilemma about my college choice and he advised me a lot. “You are different than me, you are talented and smart. You can be anything you want. You can do anything you want,” he told me, even until today.
Despite the teasing and immature acts he do, accumulating through those years, I still looked up to him. Sure, he is still childish, he is still arrogant, he is still overconfident, he is still selfish, and he is still short-tempered as ever. But he is learning things the hard way.
People used to compliment him a lot. Because of his extroverted personality, people think he will do well. He thought of the same. I thought of the same. After graduating from college, he could work in a major company, climbed through the ranks, and succeed there. Long story short, things didn’t go that well. In a way, I think, he too had some expectations yet it betrays him. He fell into a slump for a few years after graduation. Through this phase, he is still mentoring and advising me. For me, it’s as if he’s saying, “I screw up. Please don’t end up like me.”
I went to a university out of town, but still in the same country, so I was pretty far away from home. I didn’t keep up that much with the news from home. Until one day, my mom phone me and told me that my brother is going to marry his girlfriend. The first question that pops into my mind is, “huh, how is he going to do that?” In my country and my family tradition, usually the groom mostly pays for the wedding, by their own money and not their family’s money. My brother’s salary is nowhere compared to a wedding’s cost. I was devastated, I pretty much knew where this is going. My family is going to pay for my brother’s wedding.
My family was pretty much divided at that time. My mother did not agree at all to the wedding. It was rushed and my brother’s girlfriend’s family side was too demanding. They wanted to have a wedding in an expensive hotel. At this point my father has given up and complied to every of my brother’s plead. My brother and my father agreed to the wedding and already paid for down payment without my mom’s agreement. All of this happened while I was out of town, while I am in university.
Here’s the problem. If you are marrying someone with your own money, then go ahead. But his entire agenda is to be funded by my parents, the wedding, the reception, even the engagement ring. What are you even doing? If you are using their money, then consult to them. Have both of their agreement. Don’t threaten them by using yourself as a bargaining chip. You’re the damned first son of the family, and our family’s well-being is not your privilege, but your responsibility.
I pretty much was in a confused state and called my brother, my mother, and my father separately. Each of them state their own problems and each of them has different opinion that is actually reasonable. If only they would talk this out with each other.
Okay, it’s getting pretty long. All in all, after days of my mother’s tears through the phone call, the wedding is cancelled. My brother cancelled it. I don’t know the exact reason why, but he told me that he knew that it is over. He just knew it and he ended it. At this point I am already tired and fed up with his antics. He has wasted all that money, that down payment and engagement ring all for nothing. Did he apologize to my mother for talking low and ignoring her as if she didn’t exist? I don’t know. Did he apologize for wasting my father’s hard work? I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve lost all respect for him.
Time passes until it was my holiday break. All is fine, our interaction is normal as always. He is my brother, I won’t ignore his existence or deny it. He is the perfect example for me. He has taught me something through his own actions, even without him telling me. I have a goal now. I won’t become someone like him. I loathed the fact how he threw away my mother. I loathed the fact how he threatened my father. I loathed the fact that he knew my family’s weakness and exploited it for himself. I loathed the fact that he has degenerated so much that the only way to save himself is through marrying someone, even if that someone is so broken and toxic.
I knew the fact that he was empty inside. He was lonely. He had nothing. His dreams failed and he is stuck in reality where he can’t get anything he truly wanted. I know how badly he wanted to fulfill everybody’s expectation for him. But it wasn’t an excuse to destroy your own home.
After those incident, he told me, “Now I’m working in Dad’s company. If I can turn back time, I would work hard and apply to those major companies. I could’ve worked there. But now that it has already happened, I’m going to stay here. I’m going to work for Dad and repay my debt.” I could swore I hear him saying, again, “I screw up. Please don’t end up like me.”
To my brother, I love you and I hate you from the bottom of my heart. Ever since I’m born, up until now, and into the future, you’ll always be my example. Your experiences and stories taught me things I haven’t experience myself. I hope to avoid every mistakes you’ve done and meet every achievements you’ve reached. You’re always teaching me through your own methods. And for that, I thank you.
