Blood on the Paper

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. Douglas Adams

[sherionajourney]

Version 4 or 5.0

I have found no less than 4 different websites, blogs, and other places where I have started writing and never finished. That's just the digital stuff. I have scraps of paper, unfinished journals, random pages, notes in books, poems on the backs of envelopes, right next to the few things to pick up from the grocery store. I have added the "Home" page starts in other posts here. And I have not read all of the posts on this original blog. It looks like I started it in 2010, which would be 2 years after I lost custody of Ben. I know there are poems, quotes, haikus, religious musings, and maybe some stuff that makes sense. I have deleted none of it.

[sherionajourney]

[sherionajourney]

March 2015

[sherionajourney]

Superbowl 56

I am so very thankful to have a relationship with my brother and father, but there is a but. I know I have changed; one you begin to see, you can't unsee. But spaces where people do not understand other people (and in this case, skin color) are frustratingly uncomfortable.

It was a Google phone commercial that I left their house at. I guess this new phone helps people of color take clearer pictures. I don't know. But that was humorous to my family. It dawned on me; who cares? If I (or we) don't have an issue where our skin color doesn't show up and that thought has never crossed your mind, who cares if now this exists for people who it has been a challenge for? Just be quiet. Just continue trying to process Snoop Dogg and why dancers were doing those very weird and obscene dances (their interpretation of that).

The things that don't matter to us, that we don't see, or even consider. Of course we like Eminem. Of course we love our white, college boy Joe Burrow. Of course we are comfortable and don't have to consider the uncomfortablity of people who aren't represented. But we are put out by a cell phone camera because it takes pictures of people who don't look like us?

(Here was a funny thing. The stage was set up like a house and someone made the comment that it must be Section 8 affordable housing. I said "well shit maybe I could live there then", as this months, I haven't begin the house buying process because I can't afford it.)

[sherionajourney]

Title page of another blog January 12, 2017

These are the thoughts of a woman. The only thing that is remarkable is that my journey has never been exactly duplicated. It never will, in all of the history of the Universe. I am as unique as each star that blankets a dark sky. Just as you are...

This story is important because so many women (and men) think about their particular journey in comparison to another's. A journey is a long, slow road with beautiful views and dangerous cliffs- often in the same place. There is no comparison to be had between us. There is only your experience and perception. This is mine.

This part starts at age 43, with two children that I see infrequently, living alone in suburban New Orleans. It starts on January 12, 2017 - a day after I was fired from a job. It's about starting over with old stuff. It's about learning and growth. It's about letting go and hanging on. It's infinitely complex, as we are allowed to be. It's about grace. Or more specifically grace under pressure that Hemingway spoke of.

[sherionajourney]

David and Goliath- dated June 20, 2015

[sherionajourney]

Stardust and other "new age" stuff

Dated July 16, 2015. Just one month after I moved to New Orleans to find myself and Ben.

[sherionajourney]

Perspective

You aren't leaving, you are going.

[sherionajourney]

Life is so different when you subtract the guilt

[sherionajourney]

I'm saved because I want to be, I've been baptized by a hot summer rain, heaven is a child's laughter and God doesn't send me to hell for saying a cuss word. God is love and my commandments are to love Him and others.

[sherionajourney]

I knew you all along I know your soul I know that beneath your eyes Lie a million secrets... but I Already know those secrets. I can read your mind and Know your thoughts. I see it all in your face and Hear it in the words you don't speak.

[sherionajourney]

Today I will align stillness of my tongue with the stillness of my spirit.

[sherionajourney]

Dreams tell us to do the things we can't tell ourselves to do.

[sherionajourney]

Frantic

I am full of fear and panic because I am allowing my hopes and desires rest on someone else. I am clinging to another hoping to be saved because I can't save myself. The anxiety it has produced is immense.

[sherionajourney]

I just don't know what to say and if I did I wouldn't know who to say it to. Happiness an illusion even though we grasp onto a few moments of it like we are clinging to a sinking ship. Gratitude we can't know because we cannot experience anything but our own experiences and cannot know anyone elses place. Fear eats at us, like crabs on a dead body and that's how we live. Just bring me peace. If only for a second.

[sherionajourney]

Haiku

I can't write it Words mean nothing they fail me Excitement and fear

[sherionajourney]

Give me rules, I will break them Show me lines, I will cross them I need more than a truth to believe I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes... Give me words, I’ll misuse them Obligations, I’ll misplace them ‘Cause all religion ever made of me Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet

Jason Gray