Little Talks
After thanking her, Asmodeus fell into bed and slept more than ten hours straight. When he woke the next morning, his hair was sticking up in any possible direction and his limbs felt like he was old and creaky.
He decided to indulge in a hot bath, since he was in no state to show his face at the office. He would really have to thank Elisheva again, for stopping him from overworking himself any further.
It was noon when Asmodeus stepped into his office, hopefully refreshed enough to face paperwork without crying. His lovely assistant was not there, presumably taking lunch. With a sigh, he sat and picked up the sheaf of papers he had abandoned the night before.
Ellie fled back to her rooms, locking and warding the door behind her. Not that it would keep higher ranking demons out, but at least she wouldn’t be bothered by anyone else. Though really no one bothered her, anyway; she didn’t make a point of being friendly with any of her peers, had never done so, but the wards made her feel better.
The moment those were set to the best of her (rather shaky by now) ability, she went searching for something to drink. Anything to drink. Finding nothing, she conjured what she could (never as good as the real thing, but fit for her purposes) and got started. Her wings were out next and, in a fit of self-loathing, she pulled out the rest of the feathers she could reach. They all needed to go. She didn’t want them.
By the time Asmodeus was back in the office, Ellie had lost all track of time, and any motivation to care anyway. She wasn’t just three sheets to the wind, she’d sunk the whole bloody ship. Surrounding her was a wreckage of feathers and empty bottles, and although she’d put her wings away again it was clear that there weren’t going to be many, if any, feathers left on them. They lay scattered broken and bloodied around her rooms, from huge primaries to the smallest, fluffy down.
There was no chance she was going to work today.
((OOC rest of thread behind the READ MORE. Trigger warnings: self harm and suicidal thoughts.))
It was the first hesitant growl of his stomach that disrupted Asmodeus' paperwork induced trance. Breakfast was hours past, but since he had come in for work so late, he had not taken lunch. He cleared his throat, noted that it was parched, and decided it was high time for some tea. And possibly baked goods of some kind.
Turning towards the second desk in his office, he found it empty. Now that he thought on it, he had not heard Elisheva return from lunch. A look at the papers stacked informed him that these were in fact the same papers he had handed her yesterday, shortly before they had retired for the night. It seemed his lovely assistant had not come to work at all today. Considering how punctual and efficient Elisheva had proven herself to be, this was indeed worrisome.
The new filing system - many headaches it had giving him to implement on the utter mess of personnel files - allowed him to find the whereabouts of Elisheva's assigned quarters in short order. Asmodeus set off towards them.
Ellie was at that time replaying all the things she'd said or done in those last twenty four hours, and wishing she'd done /everything/ differently. There were no more feathers to pull, and she was considering other ways of making herself feel better. She didn't want to do this any more. If she could just cease to exist, that would be perfect. It would be better for everyone. She entertained that train of thought for a little longer...
Curled in a little ball in the middle of the floor, Ellie remembered that stopping breathing would not have the desired effect. She didn't /need/ to breathe anyway. Stopping her heart also had no effect. How easy would it be to get hold of some holy water in Hell?
What was she thinking? No, she didn't really want to do that. She just wanted the pain to stop, but not like that.
The mild worry that had driven Asmodeus to visit Elisheva's quarters grew stronger as he neared them. It was nothing he could have put in words, but a quiet feeling of unease that grew stronger by the step. By the time he knocked on her door, Asmodeus was frowning. Something felt not right at all.
The knock made Ellie jump, and she lifted her head to stare blurily at the door. Clumsily she reached out with her awareness to check who it was.
Asmodeus. Something tried to remind her about... something... She should have been somewhere, right? And there was no way her wards would hold up to him. She retained enough conscious thought to recognise that, and that keeping him out would probably only lead to trouble. Still.
"I'm not in," she called and buried her face again.
That... was a most baffling response, belying its words by their mere utterance. The brush of awareness just before it had come laden with muted pain and a mix of emotions that nearly turned his stomach, though. He tried the knob, but of course it was locked. And while it was more than bad manners to force one's way into another's privacy, this counted as extenuating circumstances.
The lock gave with a deep crunch when his boot connected with it, the sound appealing to some primal part of him that reveled in the destruction of things that stood in his way. It was with a comparatively gentle touch that he shoved open the door, shrugging off the mild burn of disrupted wards.
"Do forgive the intrusion-" he began to speak, but fell silent at the scenery that unfolded before him. There were feathers strewn everywhere, some of them rustling in the draft he had let him, but most sticking together in clumps, not to far from the miserable heap that could only be Elisheva. It was the smell though, that ruffled his own feathers, hidden away as they were. Pain, fear and the sharp stench of alcohol overlaying a pervasive odor of blood both old and fresh.
Ellie just shrugged and didn't look up. In fact, she turned her face away from the door, unwilling to look her boss in the eye. She had ceased to notice the carnage around her, or the smell. "Please leave," she mumbled, knowing that she was getting herself further into trouble and not caring. "Please."
Leaving her like this was not an option, that much was clear to Asmodeus. His first impulse, to drag Elisheva to the infirmary immediately, would be less than well received, he realized. So instead of following his logical mind, he acted on instinct.
Kneeling beside her, he wrapped his arms around Elisheva before she could resist or draw away, though he was careful not to touch her back. For this many feathers to be strewn around, even indirect contact to her wings was likely agony. Simultaneously, he enveloped her in his metaphysical presence, projecting as soothing warmth and calm that was hopefully deep enough to, if not soothe, then at least temporarily cover the deep ache of wing damage. If he was lucky, it might put her right to sleep, otherwise would stabilize her enough to find out how he could actually help.
The affection entwined with the projected feelings was genuine enough. Asmodeus cared for his subordinates, and by the simple expedient of working under, supporting him directly, she had become someone dear, someone he felt the need to support in turn.
Ellie tried for all of a second to resist, but she was already weakened and her feeble effort to keep herself away, to rebuff his help, melted and she sagged into him. A calm she hadn't felt in weeks blanketed her, and while it didn't make her calm directly, it helped to numb the pain. Trembling, she found herself clinging to one of the arms around her, slowly soaking it with tears that she hadn't given permission to fall. "I'm sorry," she whispered, apologising for so many things in those two words, right back to her Fall.
Asmodeus just kept holding her, slowing petting her hair with his free hand. What ever Elisheva was apologising for, it was likely not his to forgive. Still, there was no demon in hell who had not sinned.
It took a while for Ellie to stop shaking, but her abused body couldn't keep it up forever. She became aware of her position and a little ashamed that she had let Asmodeus find her like this. If she pushed away she would have to look at him and probably answer some uncomfortable questions, but at least he didn't seem to be in a hurry to extract himself. He was here because she hadn't come to work, wasn't he? He must be, and a new wave of guilt swept over her. Couldn't even do that right.
"I'm sorry for missing work," she mumbled into his shoulder.
"You are entirely forgiven." Asmodeus told her, his voice gentle. At least this much he could give her. When he felt that Elisheva had calmed somewhat and was unlikely to scratch out his eyes for it, he shifted his grip. Lifting her into his arms as well as he was able without putting any strain on her back, Asmodeus got to his feet. "Excuse me, miss."
Rather than protesting, Ellie curled against her boss, unconsciously seeking comfort since he seemed disinclined to rebuff her for it right now. "Where are we going?" she asked, more out of reflex than any actual curiosity.
Asmodeus rubbed small, soothing circles in the skin of her neck. "There are private rooms at the infirmary." he informed Elisheva. "You will stay in one of them while we get you sorted out, all right?" His tone was gentle, but firm, allowing no room for arguments.
Ellie froze, wanting to protest, to squirm and struggle and be put down again. She didn't want to go, to be scrutinised and... They would ask questions she didn't want to answer. They may even ask to see her wings. No, they /would/. Asmodeus couldn't have missed the feathers around her rooms, and he would tell...
If it was even possible, she made herself smaller in his arms. "I'm sorry, please, I'll be good. I'll come back to work." She should have turned up today, made herself go.
Asmodeus shushed her, Elisheva's word only compounding the guilt over not noticing to which extent she was hurting. "There is nothing to be sorry for," he told her. With a flick of his wrist, he summoned a thin blanket to wrap her in, to shelter and hide her on the way to the infirmary. "If you are good and let yourself be healed, you will be able to come back in no time."
At the moment Ellie couldn't see why she would /want/ to be healed, so encompassing was her misery. She just wanted to be alone... No, not quite. She wanted company, very specific company, and knew she couldn't have it so now she was clinging to Asmodeus as the next best thing but it wasn't the same, and even he was keen to hand her off to someone else.
/That's unfair,/ a small voice inside her scolded. She shut it up, in no mood to listen to reason just yet. "I don't want to go," she protested feebly.
"And still I am taking you there and will be sitting at your bedside until I have made sure you will be better." Asmodeus told her, his tone resolute.
More gently, he added "We will be speaking about what you want as soon as you ARE better."
Ellie was even more embarrassed at dragging Asmodeus into her mess and so she remained silent. She knew she could do little to prevent him, but she didn't have to cooperate with the healers.
The trip to the healing rooms was mercifully short, and the hallways empty. Asmo settled her in the room he had been laid up himself none too long ago. Ellie curled up into a ball on the bed and faced away from the entrance. Now leave, she thought. Everyone leave.
She got her wish, for a few minutes at least, while Asmodeus quietly instructed the healers. None of them were inclined to gossip, and few would know Elisheva, but it was never a bad idea to instill some delicacy.
Carrying a pitcher of water and a glass, he returned. He poured just a little and set it down in her reach, then settled on the chair next to Elisheva's bed.
Ellie watched Asmodeus warily, wondering what he wanted or expected of her. She was exhausted, the sort of bone-deep tired she hadn't felt since her Fall, but she didn't want to sleep. Sleep brought with it dreams, and those were filled with painful memories, bittersweet and sharp. She ignored the glass of water, even though her throat felt parched.
But still Asmodeus was true to his word and didn't go. Ellie didn't speak.
In the end, his will was stronger than hers, and Ellie allowed herself to be helped.
