&& statesangria // penny.
𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐈𝐓 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐒… 𝐖𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐆. it’s been almost two years since bucky died, and it’s been hard. there have been days where life just felt pointless and it felt like she’d never move on… and yet steve hasn’t left her side ever since. and she hasn’t left his. they’ve been each other’s support system through all the grief and adjustment and it’s helped her more than she can even put into words. and sure, bucky might want her to move on someday, but like this? with his best friend? it’s… complicated. overwhelming. and yet here they are.
it was only a matter of time. they might have been close before, but now? it’s different. there’s a connection there that’s been growing steadily over the last year, and they shouldn’t be surprised that it’s finally caught up to them. lips are caught in a heated kiss, roaming hands tugging at clothes, and as much as it feels wrong she just can’t seem to stop herself. before long, they stumble toward the bedroom, her dress shirt half shrugged off as steve’s lips move along her neck. and the words he utters? they send a shiver down her spine.
❝ steve— ❞ she breathes, leaning in to nip at his ear before that nagging voice in her head finally butts in. hands press gently against his chest, pressing enough pressure to get his attention but not daring to push him away. ❝ steve, we shouldn’t— ❞ it’s beyond complicated. she wants him, she really does, but at the same time? god, it feels like she should be ready for this, like she should be able to get past the whole dead boyfriend thing, but… for some reason, this all starts to scare her. chest heaves as she regains her breath, lifting his chin to look him in the eye.
❝ … i still love him, ❞ she frowns, tears stinging behind her lashline that she refuses to let go. and yet? she loves steve, too. how is that fair?
They made promises. Bucky and him. That he’d be there for her if anything ever happened. And he hasn’t left her side. She hasn’t left his either. In a way, she’s been here for him more than he feels like he’s been much good to her at times. Losing Bucky left a hollowness inside of him that couldn’t seem to be filled. Right after? Nothing felt real. He’d lost him so many times before that he’d convinced himself if he just held on. If he tried harder. Looked further. Did MORE. That he’d find him. Somewhere. Bring him back in one piece. Just like before. Just like always. Maybe some parts of him haven’t given up that hope and there’s a guilty streak in him that says it’s not all for her either. That it isn’t even mostly for her. He wants him back. Because he’s barely had him every time he’s won the battle to get him home.
But there’s another spark that’s been building. Something he never planned. Emotions that’ve dug in deep and refused to keep from growing. Plenty of sleepless nights have been spawned from those thoughts, those ideas, those feelings. Ones he gets when he looks at her. He fell for her. Somewhere in between the pain and loss and comfort and quiet. He fell. And he’s apologized to his best friend more than once, wondering if he’d be forgiven. Of course he would. And, now, tonight--it’s become a powder keg and that spark’s gotten too close. The fire that’s burning inside of him damn near brings him to his knees the second her mouth’s on his. It’s not long before they’re becoming consumed by it and stumbling towards the bedroom.
“Yeah,” his tongue catches his bottom lip and pulls it in as chills run down his shoulder when her teeth find his ear. There’s a rock in his throat and it’s growing--he swallows around it but his heart’s pounding and---should they be doing this? He wants her, he does. God, every piece of him wants her. Should he let this happen? And all he can feel is her in reply. Until there’s a pressure against his chest and it draws his attention down to her hands. He stops immediately, panting for air when he hears her tell him they shouldn’t. His heart drops. Takes his stomach along with it, too. He nods, voice momentarily stolen. And he can’t look up until she makes him. Burning eyes meet hers as his arms relax from around her.
“Me, too,” he confesses with tears in his eyes. God he does still love him. In ways he should and ways he never should’ve. He doesn’t hesitate when he gently touches his fingers to the back of her head and pulls her in close enough to press a kiss to the top of it and then her forehead. “I’m sorry, Penny..” And he means it down to his bones. “I shouldn’t’ve let it...” He blows out a breath. “I’m just really sorry.”
