Shitty Magical Items

hey yall, this is where I put shitty and not so shitty magical items ive thought up for my 5e campaigns. feel free to use and edit them however please credit me if used professionally. also feel free to submit your own shitty magical items as well

[shittymagicitems]

Welcome Back

I havent used this blog in a bit, however im going to be coming back and using this blog more primarily as a sort of Portoflio of my writing skills and ideas in ttrpg things

[postmodernjpg]

[megamanfour]

armor that causes enemies that hit you to take damage

[angry-eevee]

Some DnD Homebrew Rules to Fix Common Player Bugbears (Not Bugbear Player Characters, Which Are Perfect)

Brought to you by DMs who have had to concede with players that, yeah, that rule is dumb, let’s fix it.

“Natural 20′s on Initiative are a waste of a Crit″- A Nat20 on initiative gives the player one Hasted Action (to be used to Attack once, Dash, Disengage, Dodge or Use An Item) for the first Round of combat. Nat1′s on Initiative mean the player can use their Action or Bonus Action but not both, and loose their Reaction for the first Round of combat. 

“This Healing Potion cost me all my gold and it’s healed me for nothing.” - You can use a Healing Potion as an Action or a Bonus Action. If used as an Action you stop and concentrate on drinking it, and heal the max amount of HP. If used as a Bonus Action, you take a swig and hope it was enough, so you roll for the healing received as per usual rules.

“The Cleric has run out of Spell Slots and there is no healing Cantrip, we’re screwed and they feel useless” - Since Clerics are literal channels between their god and the world, I’ve given my Clerics an ability we called Divine Conduit - As an Action, you may cast Cure Wounds without a Spell Slot by sacrificing your own HP equivalent to 10xthe Spell Level you cast it at (10 HP for Lvl 1, 20 for Lvl 2 etc) as you literally burn yourself up by releasing more divine power than your body can take. 

“Why don’t cats have Darkvision?” - No clue. Cats have Darkvision now. 

Remember, if the rules as written aren’t working for you and your group, you can change them! 

[shittymagicitems]

The Meowning Star

Magical weapon, rare, melee damage, one target, martial

Range: 5ft

On hit: 2d8 piercing damage

Description: A rare magically imbued weapon that was believed to have been crafted by a feline paladin. The Meowning Star is designed to look like a large ball of yarn with large spikes coming out that look as if they are in fact, massive knitting needles. The ball is attached by chain to a hilt with a cat paw at the end with claws extended. For the purposes of resistance, all damage done counts as magical for purposes of resistance.

[oldelvenhomebrewing]

Another dumb list. This one is one that you can actually use though, mostly to troll your players. That being said, a clever player may find a use for these “useless” items.  

[shittymagicitems]

Wedding campaign update

So I've been working on typing up and making the campaign actually usable, I should be done with the basic text very soon without the extra stuff like rolled characters and art and stuff. Once I finish that I'll be posting it and allowing for playtesting and download. The finished piece I will be making a Comic Zine out of and selling at conventions and potentially on my Etsy and will of course notify y'all when it's done

Also also sorry for like not being active recently holidays are weird and you lose track of time so I should be posting more relatively soon

[prokopetz]

If I was going to put the Horrible Goose in a D&D game, I wouldn’t make it some big high-CR threat – it’d just be a regular goose that’s capable of regular goose stuff, with three significant exceptions:

1. It can show up anywhere, even if there’s no reasonable way for it to have gotten there.

2. It seems to have limited ontological intertia. If the players imprison it, it vanishes from its prison when they’re not looking. If they kill it, another goose shows up eventually. It’d be impossible to prove that it’s always the same goose, save for the third notable trait…

3. …namely, that it doesn’t show up in divinations. Like, at all. Predictions don’t take it into account. Scrying on its location reveals an empty room. Spells that would detect it or read its mind act like there’s no valid target present. If the cleric communes with their god and asks about it, their god has no idea what the cleric is talking about. It might take some doing to arrange for the players to become aware of this property, so don’t force it – the opportunity will arise!

There we go. No goofy boss monster tricks, yet it’s guaranteed to drive your players nuts – not even by harassing them, necessarily, but just by existing as they try to figure out what it means, particularly once they learn of the third trait discussed above.

[kerokaijuqueen]

His name is Wumpus (Wizard Bumpus) and his specialty is Necroakmancy

[shittymagicitems]

Bastard Summoner

Magical item, one use, rare

A small golden bell that resembles a traditional bell used in model buildings. When rung, a single white goose, hell-bent on chaos will appear in a 5 foot square that you can see. For up to 5 rounds of combat, the goose will attempt to steal items from creatures that are closest to it. The goose will either leave after 5 full rounds or once it has successfully stolen another item of importance or the bell itself. No matter how the goose leaves, it WILL leave with the bell.

[mindfulwrath]

D&D monster concept

Non-newtonian slimes

Hitting them harder does less damage

Their AC is 13 and you have to roll below it to hit

especially effective against high-level players

[moribunny]

FUCK

[arkhamarchitecture]

I made it

edit - wow tumblr, thanks for making that picture look like shit

[sounddesignerjeans-deactivated2]

I love some of the ways this interacts with D&D physics. In particular thinking of the fact that if you cast invisibility on it you would have an easier time hitting it - presumably because your characters are so trained at hitting things on-target that the only way to nick it instead of hitting it as hard as you can is to make it impossible to see the damn thing.

[shittymagicitems]

Tomago

Magical item, consumable, one use

This magical tomato has been specifically bred and grown to Increase the consumers speed by 5, the Tomago looks like a regular tomato in all ways aside from the lightning bolt shaped leaf on the stem and depending on the type, other variations as well.

Beefsteak Tomago - this breed is far jucier than the others. When consumed this breed grants advantage on all strength saves as well as the speed boost

Bush Goliath Tomago - this breed is much greener than the other breeds. Once consumed, it grants the consumer advantage on constitution saving throws as well as the speed boost.

Big Boi Tomago - this breed is easily twice the size of the other breeds, once consumed, this breed grants the consumer +10 temporary hit points as well as the speed boost

Magipool Tomago - the rarest of the breeds, this breed is bluer in color, and will restore a level 2 spell slot of the consumer as well as give the speed boost

These boosts last for an hour.

[shittymagicitems]

Tomago

Magical item, consumable, one use

This magical tomato has been specifically bred and grown to Increase the consumers speed by 5, the Tomago looks like a regular tomato in all ways aside from the lightning bolt shaped leaf on the stem and depending on the type, other variations as well.

Beefsteak Tomago - this breed is far jucier than the others. When consumed this breed grants advantage on all strength saves as well as the speed boost

Bush Goliath Tomago - this breed is much greener than the other breeds. Once consumed, it grants the consumer advantage on constitution saving throws as well as the speed boost.

Big Boi Tomago - this breed is easily twice the size of the other breeds, once consumed, this breed grants the consumer +10 temporary hit points as well as the speed boost

Magipool Tomago - the rarest of the breeds, this breed is bluer in color, and will restore a level 2 spell slot of the consumer as well as give the speed boost

These boosts last for an hour.

[lifeaccordingtodrew]

[shittymagicitems]

This should be clear by now but

TERFS get the fuck off my blog, you're not welcome here and if and when I find you, I will block you

[shittymagicitems]

Smash-Da-Fash

An orkish warhammer that as a large carving depicting several dwarves shooting down an eagle carrying a large swastika.

When weilded by a person who is attacking any authoritarian being or state, add 25 damage to your roll.

[shittymagicitems]

TERF-B-Gone

Magical item, unlimited uses, common

A small canister with a spray nozel, when pressed it sprays a mist in a large 30 foot radius around the user. Any TERF within that radius instantly takes 4d10 radiant damage and is pushed 50 ft away from the user

[theoneandmolly]

"OP change your url"

[shittymagicitems]

This is the only item that this response is valid

[shittymagicitems]

TERF-B-Gone

Magical item, unlimited uses, common

A small canister with a spray nozel, when pressed it sprays a mist in a large 30 foot radius around the user. Any TERF within that radius instantly takes 4d10 radiant damage and is pushed 50 ft away from the user