full rest

...My name is Shiwa Hirayama. Beyond that... I have nothing to tell you. You know what they say about dead men. Affiliated with Amnesia ER. Current Status: Dead.

[kikkawas]

[amnesia-er]

Full Rest

It didn’t matter. It hurt so much and it didn’t matter. No matter what you said or what you voted, Shiwa Hirayama was going to die. A bad person? A good? Perhaps they were no worse than the scientists that promoted the game in the first place.

A child, like the rest of you. Unfortunately, like those before them…

It’s time to die.

CULPRIT: SHIWA HIRAYAMA, SHSL HARPIST DESPAIR [♫♫]

Keep reading

[shslfairdreamer]

PART 1 of A Softer World edits.

[crumpledbags]

Revisit || Shiwa

Being in a great deal of pain both psychically and mentally made no room for Izo to even attempt to have any “fun” as he liked to call it. He felt ashamed of himself for what happened with the mysterious red liquid and just carelessly slathering it all over Yasu M (and himself). He had wanted to apologize, but worry filled his mind before he could exactly find his words, so he ended up running away (more like hobbling) back to where the rooms were located and into his own, laying down on the bed carefully as not to further agitate his injuries.

Immediately, he spent his time alone sobbing which eventually transitioned to a full-blown wailing-It was the loudest he had been since his initial arrival, so it caused strain on his throat. The only way he stopped and calmed down was realizing that it would cause alarm, and he was in no mood to be questioned.

Once he was calm enough, he wiped the rest of his tears with his mittens, and his eyes studied the stark-white walls. As he stared, Izo couldn’t help but realize that potentially, his time left in this facility could still be cut short. There would be no time to try and…reconcile old mishaps (not that it WAS a mishap, he meant every word of what he had said to them). In other words, there would be no time to at least try and speak to them once more. Unless of course, they saw one another after death, but he did not know, nor wished to ponder on it. 

He removed his left glove and took out his ID, examining it briefly before composing himself long enough to finally execute Shiwa’s AI. He waited until he could see their portrait before speaking.

“It is understandable if you do not…wish to talk. I am not in the complete right of mind, either…there is yet another motive.”

[shiwahirayama]

It was strange, this existence. Somehow it felt like it had been forever and yet no time at all since they’d last spoken. Flitting through cards to observe the happenings of the maze wasn’t very much, especially since the happenings in the maze had included Izo’s removal from it at some point. Not being able to influence the exploration in any significant way only made everything that had happen sting more. They were dead and a glorified personal assistant, existing only for the benefit of others...but now that someone was doing the courtesy to call them up again, they couldn’t even feel bitter. It was nice to be doing something, anything.

After a long, stern pause, the icon’s eyes finally opened.

“...No. It’s no trouble. I believe we have both...calmed down enough from that previous conversation anyway. Not that I was anything but calm. Not that...at this point in time, it seems anything but childish to bring up. Hmm...scratch all of that.” Avoiding an uncharacteristic eager tone was harder than it seemed. If body language was really possible with this interface they might have been bouncing.

“So would that be considered...not of right mind, as in a psychological motive, like the first...or not of the right mind, as in the necessary fear that comes with a motive now that everyone knows the established pattern.” It was so strange to contemplate that the last case had been theirs. What did that do to a person’s mental state, not just the environment, but befriending a person that had been murdered not long ago, and continuing to converse with said person? If they were in the area of psychology they would probably have more serious musings on the subject. Instead, even providing mood music was now lost to them. “Are you afraid of dying next, Omori-sama?”

[crumpledbags]

Is Grievance the Answer? || Shiwa

[crumpledbags]

“The key words here are want to, which does not mean I have plans on actually doing so, but at the same time, it is not completely out of bounds.” He shut his eyes and folded his hands into his lap. 

“I am…fully aware of what Miyashita-san has done. Yet…yet I cannot simply wash my hands of him and damn him for all eternity, no. This does not mean that I am excusing his actions. The deed that has been done is a…horrible one, considerably if not–the most heinous act one could do to another individual…and yet I cannot hate him.”

Izo paused to take in a sharp breath and opened his eyes. Moods like this were not favorable, but he had to try and state the truth, as much as he did not want to dig himself deeper into this hole.

“He was misguided–listened to the more unscrupulous types and followed a wrongful path, spiraling into…this mess. It is because I care, that I can still, possibly, reach deeply inside myself and find the smallest spec of sympathy. If I had to be honest, said sympathy could…transfer more into being sorry.”

Another swift breath, this time laced with uncertainty. Not even a bag could mask the nervous yet steady tone of voice.  “Whether to absolve someone for their actions or not does not mean every aspect is taken into consideration. Of course if I were…you at this moment I would feel…possibly nothing but resent at first, but I believe harboring that resent, even in death…is taxing.”

…

“…I care very much. Too much,as it appears to be.”

[shiwahirayama]

“That’s...not fair.” The screen warped and flickered even as Shiwa finally retained their usual blank face, like the processor itself was throwing a tantrum. “It’s true that he threatened you, in the same way he more indirectly threatened every living student...but you survived that with no ill effects...outside of those from the game in general. Hating him will not damn him to any afterlife more heinous than mine. In the grand scheme of things, logically...how you feel about a dead man means nothing at all.”

“But you say to me--to me--that you still hold sympathy for him, because he was...a misguided person. In which case...can anyone truly be unscrupulous...? Surely you could rationalize that Genkaku-sama also had her reasons...people that, before, set her on a dark path. You could rationalize that the person behind this game had their reasons. But at the end of the day...someone has to be punished. Order must be restored.”

“And here you are saying that resent is taxing, when for all intents and purposes...you are unscathed. I am a face on a screen now, Omori-sama...blind to the world, and speaking into a void. What else do I have but resent and a lingering drive...to rail against anyone who would be so selfish as to create another existence like mine? Regardless of a motivation, what has been done is done.”

They paused, eyes roaming pointlessly around the edges of the frame, as if composing a final verbal barb. Maybe that one would make them feel better. But it wasn’t Izo they were angry at. It would be a pointless gesture.

“I believe...I should end this conversation before I say things I don’t mean. But...please don’t leave me alone in here for too long.”

With that, their face blinked off the screen. If nothing else, being a program meant always getting the last word.

[shiwahirayama]

anamnesis | niki

[amnesiac-niki]

“Nah, that’s just a compliment.  People who only want a bunch of cronies talking about how amazing they are all the time don’t learn anything.  That’s what I like about you, Shiwa.  You’re a pretty straightforward kid.”

A useless corpse…Niki found herself thinking about that for a second.  Sure, a dead body couldn’t be used for much (except maybe a bludgeon, or food if you were REALLY desperate), but oh how it could push people to change things.  Change themselves.

In any case, she was glad that Shiwa didn’t resent her.  Even if the AIs couldn’t get angry - and they seemed to do every other mood pretty well, so probably not - wasn’t that something people always struggled with after a death?  ‘What if they hated me?’  Question answered on that front.  And she’d rather have just one computerized personality gunning for her head than two or more.

Looking back down, she caught sight of Shiwa’s conflicted expression and silently cursed herself for bringing up the last topic.

“O-Oh, uh…sorry.”  Thankfully, answering that question gave her a chance to drop it and move past the awkwardness quickly.

“My own talent…well, no, technically speaking.  I think I might be able to guess at it, but I’d rather wait until I’m sure.  Besides, I don’t want LISE freaking out at the thought of the next test getting disrupted, y’know?”

And even if I’m right, she thought to herself, not like it’ll do us a lot of good.

[shiwahirayama]

“Straightforward...well...I do my best to be so. If everyone said what they really meant, the world would be a much more palatable place.” Whatever expression that had caused Niki to look so concerned was already gone in a flicker of static, like it had never been there. Surely there was no animosity here. If it was, it would already have been expressed in a straightforward manner.

“And nothing is certain here unless you remember it yourself...so it would be best to turn it over until no uncertainty remains. Or...that should be the proper way to proceed, but perhaps one’s own memories can’t be trusted as much as you yourself would like to believe. If guesses are all we have...then you could still keep it to yourself if you like. But we live in strange circumstances.”

“That...sounded more vague than I meant it. Perhaps it would be best to say, ‘I would like to hear anything possible, because there is not much else to do with my existence.’ On one hand it is nice to continue to exist. On the other hand, it is not much fun to be a computer program. ...Only if you are willing to speak of it, which seems unlikely...but there is clarification for my thought process.”

[kikkawas]

[4:05:19 PM] Airi: the wall of yuichi

[crumpledbags]

Is Grievance the Answer? || Shiwa

[crumpledbags]

Well that was a relief. If his voice had not have worked either then he most likely would have started bawling again– a situation that would not have been good for anyone involved. A change in subject was most favorable or Izo would end up getting to that point quicker than desired.

“There is no need to apologize–after all, you had to have an attempt at something, right? With this new revelation, why not try? I understand.”  Izo had managed to steady himself once more, however his expression darkened at the mentioned of Katashi. The subject was pretty much unavoidable but it still left behind a sour air. 

He definitely did not hate the Astrophysicist for what he had done but more the less felt sorry about his misjudgments of everyone involved–supposedly. Those answers were still unclear if any  of the victims were behind this entire situation–yet if they were, Izo felt as if everything would suddenly come to a stop and there be an announcement from LISE. There was no announcement, other than the usual, so perhaps Katashi’s actions were all in vain. He didn’t want to contemplate too hard. 

“More apologetic than not…he appeared to have quite a lot of regrets, yet he also had honesty, which is a very respectable characteristic– he wanted to make it quick with Morikawa-san, but unfortunately he managed to hold on long enough to frame him, and then… Miyashita thought of me. Normally under any other circumstance, I would be flattered, however… It was most unflattering and yet… I want to have faith that he was just in a big rush.”

Either way if Izo was chosen by mere mistake all of them would have suffered the consequences–Katashi was smart, he had to have remembered that, so it could not have been intentional…right? 

[shiwahirayama]

“...Regrets and honesty...are respectable when they are not mitigating factors in the confession of a killer. Up to that point...I can’t imagine myself feeling sympathy or forgiveness for him...but perhaps...I am simply taking all of it too personally.” 

There was some unexpected venom in those words--it couldn’t be easy being aware of your own death, and if they had any higher mental functions that didn’t relate to any immediate conversation, they might as well be trapped in a purgatory the size of a credit card. This apparent dedication to the punishing of the evil and the lack of sympathy for the killers, both earlier and now, seemed a little strange even to their own pixelated self.

“...Thought of you? In that he framed you as well? And...you still want to think well of him? Everyone has their reasons for everything...but there is a limit to sympathy, even in a place such as this, Omori-sama. He had to have known what he was doing...what the potential to escape from the place would do to everyone else here. What he did do.”

A flicker of frustration, desperation, hopelessness, passed across their face. Even to someone who usually covered his face, the raw emotion that Shiwa had rarely shown in life was clearly visible.

“Even if he lost...he made the attempt, and several people are now...gone. Don’t...you care?”

[shiwahirayama]

anamnesis | niki

[amnesiac-niki]

“What’s with the formalities all of a sudden, Shiwa?  It’s not like you…and I don’t quite think it’s for me, either.”

Talking to Shiwa - well, even just Shiwa’s AI - was a bit more awkward than talking to Kimiko’s or Felix’s, in a way.  Kimiko had committed a murder, and Felix had already been dead for a few days, but being reminded of one of the most recent victims…It made Niki feel like she should’ve been able to prevent their death.

“If you think you’ve got to act like that because of your current state, don’t.  In fact, I wouldn’t mind if you were a bit angry at us.  You know we almost didn’t figure out who killed you?  I never would’ve expected that sort of cunning from Katashi of all people…The ‘air’ thing was pretty helpful, though, so thanks for that.”

She leaned against a wall, one hand in her pocket, and wondered what else she could say.  Neither of them were very talkative types, and being a computer program probably wasn’t going to make Shiwa much chattier.  At the same time, she felt like she had to say something, especially remembering how Felix had described his ‘life’ in the card.

“…So, you were a harpist, huh?  Must’ve been pretty good to get into Hope’s Peak.  I wish I could’ve heard you play.”

[shiwahirayama]

They paused, the few seconds with no speech in it sounding uncomfortably long and full of an almost imperceptible static. Then, slowly, smiled--it was weird to think that the image on the screen was just a representation and not a real person.

“...No formalities. You are absolutely right. You seem like the sort of person...to instantly ferret out flattery and bad intentions anyway. It is one of the things I liked about you at first...but does that also count as flattery?”

“And there is no reason to be angry at any of you. ...The ones still alive, that is. Miyashita-jukeisha is something else entirely. The only one who can be blamed for my death is me, myself. Being overemotional over the portioning of blame...would only be detrimental to the mental state I could be assumed to possess. And...well, I appreciate that. Better, in one’s last seconds, to provide some kind of rudimentary help...than just to be a useless corpse.”

At the reference to their talent, their expression became something more conflicted. Izo had heard them play, once, after the memory flash that the big harp had caused, but...back then, it still hadn’t brought back much. It was a strange feeling.

“And it would have been a pleasure to play, I suppose. One of the things...lost to me now. But less about me, in the future. Now, you...you still haven’t recovered your talent, correct?”

[crumpledbags]

Is Grievance the Answer? || Shiwa

[crumpledbags]

Izo remained silent for a while. Unfortunately due to the ID not being as advanced as a telephone, he could not take a photo of sorts. He could always try describing himself in a different way but it would always come out awkward since describing oneself was never easy unless you had a giant ego and even those with said egos lie to themselves.

The first thing that came out of his mouth was a small huff before shaking his head.

“Is there not another way, then? I would say by voice but my voice has remained the same this entire time. Do I need to specify structure?” Izo was practically grasping at straws here. “…Or. Or we…perhaps we…–”

He cut himself short, pursing his lips.

“W-Well now that I contemplate, do visuals truly matter? As long as we can both still understand one another, that should not be of great concern, correct?” Way to change the subject. Izo knew that he could be considered a special case because it was in fact, a mystery.

[shiwahirayama]

There was an expectant pause while they waited for Izo to ramble all of that out of his system. He seemed almost distressed. A topic change was probably for the best--even though their best conversations had featured very distressing topics. Maybe it was just hard to ignore the reality of the situation in any capacity when you were speaking to a screen. Shiwa allowed themselves a little chuckle that sounded like radio static.

“It’s true, they do not. Apologies for the query...one can hardly describe themselves objectively anyway...in words that I myself could accurately put together. I suppose it has been proven so far that...I work best in auditory mediums. Meaning a voice that has not changed is fine.”

“I only thought it would be an interesting exercise. My curiosity will just have to exist. ...I suppose the fact that you are still here conversing with me means...you caught the killer after all? How was Miyashita-sama? Contrite, apologetic, a little too late...or perhaps defensive and vile to the very end? It has only just occurred to me that this is an important subject.”

[crumpledbags]

Is Grievance the Answer? || Shiwa

[crumpledbags]

Well he was telling the truth–or what he perceived as the truth. Now if it were someone such as Chuichi Genda, then perhaps he’d feel a lot less sorry but the feeling of sadness would still linger–somewhat.

Hearing that they were dead right from the source itself caused his heart to sink and stomach to feel like a car that went down  a steep hill, but alas that was reality, to live and die in any amount of time.

“….”

“Ah.. that is…right.  You never did get to see me, did you not? Well, I shall try my best to describe myself to you. Let us see here…”

I, Izo Omori have blinded people with my looks! My daring purple eyes, two-color skin and rounded cheeks make me the prettiest person alive! Anyone that had looked at me would have dropped dead from charm..!

…No. That was not his style at all. In fact, Izo didn’t even think that was true.

“E-Er… my eyes are a dark purple, almost blue-ish color… my cheeks are slightly rounded and… and my skin is not all of the same color. Some of it is a very light pink, almost white look, while the rest is brown. As for my hair, it is black. Does that assist in any way?” Describing oneself was hard, especially to the dead. Pretending Shiwa was just someone on the other side of the planet made it slightly easier, however.

[shiwahirayama]

“...”

They seemed to be about to say something until Izo started his description of himself, at which point they simply...closed their pixelated eyes and listened (not that those eyes seemd to do them much good from here whether they were open or closed), head slowly rocking back and forth like they were nodding off to the tune of a lullaby. 

It wasn’t much--they remembered listening to Katashi describe the girl who he had hated so much (it felt so long ago now, thinking of Katashi and themselves both outside of the borders of this card), trying to fill in a mannequin with block colors and features without actually creating a human with it. Somehow when they tried to remove the bag in their mind’s eye and incorporate this attempt at description they could only imagine those vague splotches that looked like a child’s drawing--brown, black, pinkish-white, purple. It wasn’t the way they had ever wanted to find out, certainly. Barely anything.

“...It does assist...I suppose. The effort is what matters in the grand scheme of things. It does seem a poor imitation, though. I don’t...I...it’s bothersome that visualization is all there is. Not that it is inadequate.” It is 100% inadequate but they’re not asking for anything else. This already feels enough of a disaster. This is what happens when things get too...serious. Death tends to cause people to leap that final hurdle.

[crumpledbags]

Is Grievance the Answer? || Shiwa

[crumpledbags]

It was strange for their case but not for his? That felt just a tiny bit unfair, but that was life as people liked to call it. Izo gave some sort of half-shrug before shaking his head.

“If I had to make a guess, I would say it could be a sliver of mercy without being too lenient, but do not take my word for it.”  He wondered if he could inquire to LISE about the matter later, as it was an interesting enough topic, but enough about that–they were here and they were themselves and that was what was important right now.

At their second line of questioning his eyelids drooped slightly, followed by a brief glance away from the screen. It wasn’t exactly a difficult question but perhaps there was slight guilt for his predetermined answer.

“I could not possibly resent you, for it was not your fault either–it was all a large misunderstanding that had heavy consequences. And if you were not yourself, I would still feel the same because truthfully, no one deserves to go through such a tragedy. On the other hand, if you ended up being a complete stranger, I.. I am unsure how I would feel, if that is coherent.” Izo returned his gaze to the screen, gently kicking the air.

“I am glad to be speaking to the real you, nonetheless. It is a pleasure to hear your voice once more.” ‘How are you’ would be a strange question to ask in his mind, so he put it off for now.

[shiwahirayama]

Of course it’s unfair. What can a dead Shiwa do if not be unfair. The bantering of theirs has taken on a distinctly sour flavor by now.

“If I were to hazard a guess, this hospital might make for...the worst learning experience of all time. But if they believe this amount of mercy is beneficial...who am I to disagree. If they were not so ‘generous’...then I in this form would not exist, after all.”

“...And even in misunderstandings there are those who are responsible, even if these things do not logically follow in all situations. There is no need to spare my ego or anything of the sort, Omori-sama--I am already dead. Luckily we meet again, merely incomplete strangers. There is still that little detail of this face of yours.”

[crumpledbags]

Is Grievance the Answer? || Shiwa

[crumpledbags]

Izo’s eyes lit up when he heard their  voice again, but of course they weren’t doing a standard greeting–it’d make sense, anyhow–he would have most likely done something similar, especially to someone that has never been seen before without their disguise on.

“Yes it is I, Izo Omori..in the ba–er, flesh. I am still adjusting to this entire thing.” Poor Izo couldn’t be ‘shrouded in mystery’ anymore, although being able to see better was worth the trade-off. He moved the card slightly downward as if he were reading a book.

“..And you are still very much Hirayama-san, correct?” If they were toying with him then he could easily return the favor. Plus it gave him time to find a conversation topic.  

“If it is you.. then..I am sorry all of this happened.” When he said that, the grip on the ID grew slightly stronger and his voice mellowed out. “I suppose we have to be aware that accidents in a situation as this are unlikely..and that unless we were there when it happened, it would be i..impossible to interfere.”

[shiwahirayama]

“That is...a strange thing to ask, I think. I feel as though I am Shiwa Hirayama...no other name is remotely applicable...I appear to be this person...I am this person in all the ways that matter. Am I a representation of the person I was before the memories were taken...or was I created at the moment of death, perhaps...one wonders why our captors thought need to make these copies of us, or make them available. Will we ever know?”

The AI shouldn’t be theorizing on the nature of personhood even now, when they’re several steps removed from the big questions, when they’re pretty sure in the nature of their older conversations with Izo that it was meant jokingly, but they are in fact Shiwa in all the ways that matter.

“In the flesh. Timing is fickle and cruel, I suppose. And...you are right. We cannot prepare for all accidents. But there is nothing that you, personally, should apologize for. If anything...all of this is my fault. Investigating a murder in progress. Dying such a death. Do you resent me for that? Or...if I were not Shiwa Hirayama in all the ways that mattered, would you not be sorry?”

[crumpledbags]

Is Grievance the Answer? || Shiwa

There were times after the trial that he cried just as he cried before the trial. Even the sheer notion of crying felt so new, since Izo barely did so–always a smile on his face, and only the smallest bit of care in the world. What had gotten into him? Perhaps it was a side-effect of the seemingly everlasting treatment, combined with the fact that he could die at any moment and there did not seem to be any chance of heading to wherever his ‘home’ was anytime soon. Perhaps it was because someone who he deeply cared for was ripped away from him, all because of an accident. It could even be that he was forcibly unmasked and had no way of hiding himself anymore. When one truly thinks about it, it was probably all of those at some point, and the end results were just hitting hard. 

In any case, despite his emotional state being mildly unstable, Izo could not stay alone with his thoughts forever–it’d just make it worse in the long run. He had to talk to someone, anyone to get outside of his head. It did not take him too long to decide on who, since everyone that was alive most likely was in the same position, if not worse. On the other hand talking to the dead for consultation felt odd, but he’d get over that quickly (plus he wanted to finally touch that machine anyhow).

Izo slid off the edge of the bed, patted himself down, and navigated to the arcade machine so that he could download.. everyone. He might as well get two things done in one stone, right? It wasn’t a giant deal to come back later but at the same time how would he know if he got the chance to?

—

Once he had them all, he just stared down at the card. There were so many codes to choose from, so many things to catch up on, so many possibilities inside that little card but once again, he knew exactly who to pick. Not out in the open, though. Who knows who or what could be eavesdropping, so he skittered back to his single room, trying to not look suspicious, and resumed his position on the edge of the bed, finally taking a mitten off to select Shiwa Hirayama’s code from the list, and waited for the strange technology to work its magic.

[shiwahirayama]

By virtue of being not a real person, and by virtue of having nothing else to do with one’s virtual life, it didn’t take very long for Shiwa to boot up, and indeed appeared on the screen almost immediately, looking...almost exactly how they had in life, if that could surprise anyone by now. Whatever technology they were using in this hospital was impressive.

However, rather than immediately launching into a greeting or a barrage of questions, there was a pregnant pause as they seemed to look around the available field of vision the screen provided. God, this was weird. No, they weren’t focusing solely on Izo’s uncovered face, that would be a strange thing to do when you were metaphorically just brought back from the dead.

“...”

“That is...ah...Omori-sama, I presume? Some interloper in the hospital...would probably be more welcome in the long run, but somehow I doubt it.”

[shiwahirayama]

anamnesis | niki

It was strange, being aware that you weren’t real--a real construct, certainly, but a copy of a person who had once been alive. Even stranger was, despite that fact, you still became lonely like a flesh and blood person. Possibly the most strange of all of these observations were that they were only hypothetical, and one could never be sure if the AIs, now forced to have an entire existence of being downloaded to a few ID cards, actually were aware of their situations or only existed when they were called upon.

Either that, or the question was squashed immediately the first time someone’s ID card blinked with a new message unprompted, and had been ground into dust by the time Shiwa appeared in pixel hell. One mystery that had been solved wholly without their help. Ugh. (Their personhood, whatever it had been, maybe even whatever it had been before this place, seemed well-preserved, at least.)

Since, from their perspective, there wasn’t much else to do with all this newfound knowledge, the best thing to do would be to immediately pester someone else for recent information. And as of yet, only one person had downloaded them--one easy-to-get-along-with person--making the choice simple.

“This is new, isn’t it...Ikutano-sama?”

> One new message!

[mylostnoteboooook]

hi again o/ could you draw gyazo(.)com/fed8e82bdc23513e133b2f5a6e400279 and gyazo(.)com/11ab89325ffb83cef2cebdb521647433 together ? They can be doing anything you want!! Thank you

here we go! thank you for request!

[vinebest]

Legend of Zelda - Ocarina of Time: Song of Time on a Harp