A/N: Originally this was going to be full of angst but, I changed it last minute and I think this version offers a lot more insight into something that Black men don’t often get to do and that’s be vulnerable. I hope you enjoy.
Warnings: Mentions of miscarriage.
When you told Chadwick that you didn’t want anymore kids, you meant it. While he was still able to ‘assist’ in the creation process, the physical labor would fall to you. As a woman just entering her 40s, you’d heard the horror stories about carrying too late in life and the potential risks involved. Your doctor assured you that in your health, you would be fine but, you couldn’t help but worry as you walked in the house with news for your husband.
The chorus of DNA by Kendrick Lamar blared from the Bluetooth speaker in the backyard, leading you to his location. He was shirtless with his back turned to the glass doors, jumping rope in time to the music.
Reaching over, you angrily pressed pause on his phone and stood in the doorway with your hands on your hips, waiting for him to give you his attention.
“What the-?” His annoyance quickly faded into a smile when he noticed who had interrupted his workout. “Hey, baby. You look nice.”
Dropping the jump rope, he took the short walk to the entryway to pull you into a hug that you didn’t return.
“Is something wrong? Did I forget something?”
“You forgot when I said I didn’t want anymore kids.”
His face contorted into a confused expression while he watched you push away from him and flop down in one of the beach chairs nearby.
“What are you talking about?”
“We’re pregnant, Aaron. Well, I am. You helped though.”
“W-what? Pregnant? As in a baby? In you? Right now?” The way his eyes lit up only pissed you off. He was failing to see the gravity in the situation. “CoCo, we’re gonna have a baby! I gotta call my mama. Aren’t you excited?”
He was rambling and excitedly bouncing from activity to activity while he tried to digest the information.
“Hell no, I’m not excited!” His movements stopped, excitement again replaced with confusion. “Baby, I’m not a young woman anymore. Do you know how scary it is to carry after 40?”
“Exactly! You don’t know. And what if I have to deal with the depression again? What if I can’t lose the weight like I was able to with Micah? They’re gonna put my old ass on bedrest. I’m not gon’ be able to work and our whole family will end up in the poor house. Why can’t we only have sex every two months like regular couples!”
You exasperatedly threw your hands in the air and let them land beside you with a loud smack. While you sulked, Chadwick smiled. Crouching down to become eye level with you, he lifted your face to find tears in your eyes.
“Baby, don’t cry.” His thumb softly swiped at the warm tears. “We’re in this together, girl. We’ll see all the right doctors to make sure that you’re healthy the whole way through. If the depression returns, we’ll deal with it accordingly. I don’t care if you don’t lose the weight. Bedrest only gives me more time to take care of you and I’ve told you more than once that your old ass doesn’t have to work.”
You pushed his arm with a laugh, picking up on his shade. “You’re older than I am, nigga.”
“Only by a few months.” A chaste kiss was pressed to your forehead before Chadwick pulled you to your feet and into a tight hug. “I love you, baby. Do you trust me?”
“I don’t know how I feel about you right now. I told you to stop trying to get me pregnant.”
“Touché. I’ll take that one.”
“I trust you, Aaron. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”
“Then trust me when I say that I’m here the entire time. Whatever you need from me, I’m here. However you need me, I’m here. We’ll be okay.”
A figurative weight lifted from your body as you lifted your head from his shoulder to look in his eyes. Sincerity oozed from his being, momentarily lifting your spirits.
“You ready to do this…again? For the absolute last time?” You gave him a stern look that contrasted his loud laugh.
“C’mon, baby. Let’s make it an even five member household.”
“Five is not an even number. The only five member household you’re gonna know is attached to your wrist. This is it, boy. No more!”
Laughing, Chadwick made room between your bodies to rub a large palm against your stomach. In a little over eight months, another little boy or girl would be introduced to the Boseman household.
“I can’t wait to do this with you again, CoCo. We’ll have another little girl to boss me around in here.”
“How do you know it’s a girl?” You asked, putting your hand over his while he continued to rub. “You don’t want a little you?”
“I’ll take whatever God gives me. I just know Mikey told me she wanted a sister when I dropped her off at school a couple weeks ago.”
“Oh my God, we have to tell Mikey. The Academy Award winning actress may give us her greatest performance yet.”
Both of you laughed at the thought of Micah pulling out the theatrics at the news of a sibling. When the laughter died down, the two of you stood in silence, admiring each other.
His hands cupped your face to give you a slow kiss before pulling away to look into your eyes.
“I love you. We’ll get through this…together.”
And thus started what was supposed to be months of preparation for a new baby. Potential names were picked, gender neutral furniture and paint were being discussed for the nursery and Chadwick made sure that you were working out at least 3 times a week to calm your fear of gaining too much weight.
Visits to your physician proved that, because you were in good health, carrying a baby to term would be no problem. You expected a healthy pregnancy.
The cramping was sudden. You were walking around the kitchen, putting food from the grocery store away when a sudden pressure in your back stopped you in your tracks.
You passed it off as gas but, soon, you couldn’t shake the feeling of a larger problem. A trip to the bathroom confirmed your suspicion. Heavy spotting seemed abnormal, prompting you to call your husband and tell him to meet you at the ER.
After hours of waiting, the devastating news was delivered: your precious baby was gone. You never got to meet it. You never got to hold him or her close your chest, or kiss their button nose after they cried.
You were sad initially. The news felt like a punch to the stomach. You’d gone through so much with Micah that all you envisioned was a perfect pregnancy to share with your family. Chadwick, on the other hand, was strong. He suspended all work on his upcoming project to stay by your side night and day. For weeks, you fluctuated between intense sadness and anger. Was it your fault? Could you have stopped it? Would this happen again if you wanted to try for another baby?
Then, the roles reversed.
You went back to work and back to being a mom. There wasn’t a day that passed where you didn’t keep your head down to focus on the daily operations of the Los Angeles Sparks and making sure Micah and Chadwick were fed and properly cared for. You chose to put your issues aside for what you thought was the benefit for the family. Chadwick chose to feel his way through it. Sometimes he’d cling to you like a child at night, ghosting his fingers over where a baby was supposed to be. Other times, he’d sit in one spot and stare dejectedly into the distance.
Today was one of those days. When you and Mikey returned from long days at school and work, Chadwick was sitting beside the pool and staring at the water rippling around his feet.
“He will be, Boop. How about you go start on your work in your room. I’ll come check on you in a moment.”
Micah complied, taking one last look at her father before trudging to her room. You slipped your heels off of your feet and discarded them by the kitchen counter before padding to the backyard.
He didn’t flinch when you called his name or when you sat beside him, grabbing his hand and intertwining fingers.
“How was your day?” You questioned lowly. He didn’t answer. He only looked down at your hand and fiddled with your wedding ring.
You didn’t press him to talk, understanding that he needed time to get his thoughts together. Silence consumed both of you while the soft sounds of water from the waterfall at the end of the pool crashed against the standing water.
“I’m sorry.” His eyes closed in a futile attempt to contain the tears brimming in his eyes.
“You told me that you didn’t want to get pregnant and I didn’t listen. I’m…I’m so sorry.”
“Shhh, Aaron.” His shoulders shook lightly while he cried, no longer able to hold on to the grief inside of him. Shifting your body, you pulled him close to your chest, rocking his body to soothe him. “This isn’t your fault, honey. Neither of us could’ve prevented it.”
“I should’ve listened. I should’ve stopped.”
“Baby, this could’ve happened if we were actually trying. Don’t blame yourself.”
His face emerged from your chest, leaving a puddle of tears in its wake. He looked so broken but, now wasn’t the time for you to cry with him. You’d done your mourning. It was time to be strong for him like he’d done for you so many times before.
“I don’t know what to do, CoCo. I didn’t even get a chance to meet it. How can I feel so deeply about a person I never met?”
“Because you’re a man that helped to create a child with a woman you care about. That love created life. You’re allowed to feel that way.”
“But I need to be around for you and Micah. How the fuck can I do that if I’m sad one moment and irrationally angry the next?”
“You let me do it for you.” His eyes met yours, a mix of confusion and sadness floating in his beautiful brown eyes.
“You’re hurting. Let yourself feel and I’ll be strong where you aren’t. A very handsome wise man told me that once.”
Your attempt to land a joke worked when a small huff of air left his mouth. His head returned to your chest while he snaked his arms around your waist to pull you closer. Your fingers massaged his scalp the way he liked it, pulling a soft sigh from him.
“We’ll be okay, Aaron.” You kissed his forehead to reassure him. “Every day we’ll get stronger together. Do you trust me?”
“I trust you with my life, CoCo.”
“Then trust me when I say we’ll get through this. I know that I’ve been pushing you away emotionally and physically and I’m sorry for that. We both have a lot to work through. But, in the end, we’ll grow from this.”
He sighed deeply, tightening his hold on you. “I trust you.”
Caressing his face, you brought his head up to rest your forehead against his. His eyes remained closed for a short moment as he tried to compose himself. While thoughts ran through his mind, you placed gentle kisses on every inch of his face. When you reached his lips, he returned your kiss with a chaste peck of his own.
The sound of a little snicker made both of you smile and turn your attention to the doorway. Micah stood with Chadwick’s grin on her face, smiling at her parents.
“What are you so smiley about, Boop?” You questioned with a smile of your own.
“You gave Daddy kisses! Does that mean you’re happy now?”
“I will be, baby girl.” He answered with a faint smile. “Come here.”
He waved her over, pulling her into his lap when she was close enough to touch. Her little arms wrapped around his neck so that she could rest her head against his chest. Her feet were propped on your lap as you thanked God for each of her ten perfect toes.
“Is my sister in Heaven now?” Her innocent question sparked a new wave of emotions through both you and Chadwick.
“How do you know if it was a girl, Boop?”
“Because I asked Jesus for a sister when I prayed at night.” You focused on rubbing Chadwick’s back to keep tears from flowing. His chin rested on her head, preferring to stare at his feet in the pool.
“If it was a girl, she is.” You answered. “She’s probably smiling at how pretty you look today.”
“Will I have another brother or sister? At school, everybody has one and I want one too! Please, Mommy and Daddy? Please please pleaseeeee.
“One day, baby girl. Right now, let’s focus on making sure this baby gets kisses from Mommy and Daddy.”
Gripping her long body in his arms, he cradled her to his chest to flood her face with kisses while you kissed and tickled her feet. She squealed and wiggled in his grasp until she was breathless from laughter.
“You are a big girl. My beautiful and smart big girl. I love you, twin. Mommy loves you too.”
“I do. And when we bring home your brother or sister one day, they’re gonna love you too.”
“Really?” Her little face lit up, smile stretching from ear to ear.
“Of course, Boop! You’ll be the best big sister ever.”
She quietly marveled at the thought of being a big sister, looking between you and Chadwick occasionally.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
His wide-eyed expression mirrored yours before you turned away to let him answer the question.
“Uh…well, Mikey, when Mommy and Daddy uh. See, sometimes…”
“Mommy and Daddy give each other lots of kisses at night until God sends us a baby. He could take a little bit of time or a long time. It just depends on when He wants to send the baby.”
“Are you gonna give each other lots of kisses tonight?”
“Um, not tonight, Boop. But as soon as we get another baby, you’ll be the first to know.”
Jutting out your pinky, you gave her a reassuring nod and smile. “I promise.”
“Yes ma’am.” He also extended his pinky, leaving her to look between both of her parents before gripping the adult pinkies and smiling. Satisfied with the answers, her body turned restlessly in her father’s arms.
“Daddy, you gotta let me go!”
“I gotta go color a picture for my baby brother or sister! They could come any day now, duuuuuh!”
Chadwick smiled his first genuine smile in weeks as he watched his baby girl run into the house and down the hall into her room.
“What are we gonna do with that one?” You asked, resting your chin on his shoulder.
“I have no clue.” Turning his head, he kissed your nose before nuzzling the tip of it against yours. “I love you.”
“You never give me a chance to say it first!”
“I’m sorry, baby. You go first.”
You gave him another small peck. “I love you, ashy.”
“I love you, too, knock knees.”
“Too far! You know I’m sensitive about my knees!” You attempted to feign sadness, pushing away from him and turning your head.
“C’mere, girl.” He laughed, pulling you back to him. “Thank you. I’m gonna miss you, baby.”
“I’m gonna miss you too, honey. Ten weeks is a looooong time. But, let’s not think about that right now. We’ve got a week to get you feeling better, okay?”
“Okay.” He allowed you to stand up and dust yourself off before pulling him to his feet. Extending your hand for him to grab, you gently tugged him through the house and into the kitchen to help with dinner.
Healing came slow, as expected. There were days when you had to be his rock and others when he had to take the lead. Day by day, the hurt was replaced with a love strengthened by time. Nothing could ever take the place of your unborn child and you wouldn’t dare attempt to do. He or she would always be counted as a Boseman. Still, time must move forward.
A new day was on the horizon, starting with his return from his ten week absence.
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