ShkinnyDiaries💭

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[shkinnydiaries]

I try and have tried everything to make you happy. Anything and everything I do…doesn’t make you content. I give up now. You are so negative inside out. I wish I could see an exit sign in this ! I just hope that after am gone you’ll realize what not I have done to just make sure everything is perfect for you. I gave you my world, and you have left me completely alone. So alone, that I have no one to turn to. Not even my family. I can’t trouble them with the troubles you load on me. I am mentally dead. Emotionally wrecked. Just physically alive. Hope that won’t last long either.

But again, hope is just too damn strong a word.

[shkinnydiaries]

He was and is everything I wanted. Why is that, you find someone so perfect who complements your heart and soul, and you cannot just have them. This isn’t because he doesn’t feel the same for me, this is because our fate was so fucked up that we didn’t end up together. I could write and write and cry and cry about him, but I don’t intend to... i feel the lesser I write about these feelings, the quicker I’ll be successful in digging them deep in my heart till it finally turns to fade away. It is very very very hard. Even am at a loss of words to define this.

[shkinnydiaries]

Please try again later.

“Let me call him once, maybe he too wants to call but is waiting for me to take the first move”

My thought every morning when I drive to work and every evening when I drive back from work.

Search “his name”.

Press the “dial” button.

Every single time I can hear the Gush of air before the “first ring” my heart skips several beats.

And the first ring goes something like “triiiiiiiing triiiiiiiiiiing” in a very slow and steady manner as though it is creating some kind of suspense, as though building a form of curiosity, as though approaching something that I have been waiting for from a long time.....

And suddenly after one ring, the phone Call cuts on its own with a lady passing the oral message “we are getting a busy tone on this number, please try again later”

Little does this lady know, I have been trying. Trying over days, weeks and months now.

iPhone does this trick that once you are blocked, it still lets you hear that one ring to raise your hopes and then thrashes you down with the busy tone laughing at your face like HAHA YOU ARE BLOCKED SILLY! JUST PLAYED AROUND AND GAVE YOU A LITTLE HOPE. Because iPhone wants you to feel bad and makes sure you know YOU’VE BEEN BLOCKED.

Hopes don’t die. I am not calling him to talk to him, I am calling just to check on him. Not check on how his life is going, but just a general call to know I haven’t forgotten what an inspiration he’s always been to me.

I value people, people who have made a difference in my life.

[shkinnydiaries]

His pain then = My pain now.

I knew he had been hurting from a long time, and I added to that. He was hurt because of me. And I seemed to show no mercy in healing his pain, Mainly because it was not in my control. The facts hurt him, the reality hurt him and I could not sugarcoat anything for him anymore.

 The pain he felt then, is the pain I feel now.

  As I bid him farewell in the airport. Our eyes did not get off each other. Everyone was happy that he was travelling for a good purpose - His Wedding.

Everyone, except the both of us.

The pain gets even worse, when we have to hide it. And we just did that. Plastered fake smiles, waved goodbye...while picturing to fuck the world and just run into each others' arms and cry.

Nobody can stop what is meant to happen, Nobody can change what is meant to be.

I drove my car back with his favorite song playing on the radio. My eyes flowing heavy warm tears down but my mouth capturing each painful scream inside my throat making it hard for me to breathe.

I parked the car, got into my pajamas and rolled into bed next to my husband. Yeah.

[shkinnydiaries]

I have never felt happier than when I have scribbled my feelings down on a piece of paper. Ah! The satisfaction.

[shkinnydiaries]

Secrets (1)

You know I have a little secret. My secret is that I am in love with someone so immensely that I have not even been able to figure out how, why and since when. I have not even been able to confront, disclose or satisfy myself with this feeling. I am finding reasons to deny that this is love. Then what is it that makes me pull toward this person? I have learnt the science of Gravity. I feel that kind of gravity in this kind of love. No matter how many times I have tried to fly away from it, it pulls me even closer. I can barely stay away for a few minutes. The feeling is amazing, the feeling is coupled with many other emotions. Emotions of confusion, pain, hatred, fear and contentment.

Has anyone else felt this? Does everyone have a secret like this?

[shkinnydiaries]

Sometimes we forget in our professions, how an older person is to be treated. I find myself asking a person way older than me for a cup of tea or coffee to wake my senses up during work, whilst forgetting the basic respect to him. Try making your own cup of tea, or coffee. How can I order around someone irrespective of his occupation. Must always consider his age. But then, when we go to restaurants, the waiter taking our orders are older too right? I think there is a difference between someone being older to you and someone being an elderly person. Elderly people should not be working like this at this age. :(

[shkinnydiaries]

We moved apart, because of everyone. Now I see those “everyone” have all come together. Content. It’s not their fault. It’s yours, for letting them come in between us. #AsAlways.

[shkinnydiaries]

Why is that he stores so much of negativity in his his mind. And heart? How can you even think of something out of nothing? Is it your nature? When will I ever try figuring out. In our lives full of peace and harmony, how are you so good at bringing down a mini storm which causes huge disruption? My question is “how” and “why?”.

I mean why would anyone with a sane mind want to do something like this. How can you spit poison?

You don’t know, even though your words are basic, what follows it... and the attitude and tone used... makes me want to respond in surprise. For which, you shut me up saying I have no right to respond to this insane out-of-the-blue behavior of yours?

You have no idea how to treat me. And you can never learn that.

What rights you have above my rights?

Nothing, nothing makes you the boss of me. And nothing makes you the boss of others.

You are in no position to talk about other people the way you do. And if you did, it is my duty to stop and correct you. Ofcourse which you cannot digest and shut me up.

If you have a problem with someone for “no” valid reason and you accuse them of something they might have “not” done... then first look at yourself, before you judge anyone or anything.

[shkinnydiaries]

Where are you now?

There were times when his phone would buzz immediately with respect to the events that happened in my life. And vice versa. Keeping each other up to date, not as a duty, but out of love. He knew more about me than the people I stayed under the same roof with. I was aware of each insecurity of his. He knew what needed to be said and done when I felt my world was upside down. I knew he needed someone to help and motivate him. His words for me were like words from the Bible for the christians ! Whenever stuck in dilemmas or tough choices, I knew his decision in place of mine would be the right way to go about it. And it always did. He was someone I could turn to in my Dark days and I was someone who could brighten his life with a little sunshine. What a combo. Sometimes good things don't last. It's okay, don't cry cuz it's over.... smile cuz it happened.

[shkinnydiaries]

Known the unknown?

Have you ever known anyone for such a short while, but felt like you’ve known them way longer than that. Like a deep deep knowing or a deep deep relation. Something out of the ordinary? As though you’ve known this unknown from your previous birth or something (if that exists)

No, am not writing a movie script.

I am stating facts, and experience.

Meeting new people everyday, is a part of my job. Be it Job, or non-job related outings, i have always found it nice to greet and meet new people, exchange two words with them, pass on a Good morning or good afternoon to them or just smile at them. Trust me, it makes a lot of difference in your day. 

I have never found keen interest in knowing anybody so deeply or intensely. Neither have i ever made efforts.

I have met wonderful people, and known their stories in this process. What is even more blissful to me is that even without knowing each other for more than few hours, people open up to me and share some personal problems, not seeking any solution, but just seeking an open ear, someone who can hear them out. Which i do. And which i enjoy doing. As long as they are not busy criticizing anything. Criticism, that would open up a new chapter to what am saying, so lets ignore that.

Out of all the shit i said above, i would like to elaborate on a very specific feeling.

A feeling i wont be able to describe 100%, but i wish for all to feel this, at least get to nibble a bit of this feeling. Because it is, oh so wonderful!

The feeling of knowing somebody, somebody who you have no relation with. Its a little weird to name any kind of relation to this bond, because it is un-explanatory.

You have expressed yourself 120% to this person, you can always count on this person in any mode, in any turn, in any way you want to. Not because you need a help-line, but because....well, just because.

When you talk, you forget time. When you laugh, you forget your tears. When you cry, you know you have got eachother to let yourselves all out. Their problems become yours and vice versa. Their family becomes yours. Their existence becomes the reason you too exist. The lame jokes you crack with them, the secrets shared...it is going to stay between just the two of you.

A person you can blindly trust, literally. A person you know will be on your side no matter what. A person who’s very existence gives you a lot of comfort. A person who feels what you feel. This is not fictional. This happens, this is real. And when you feel this, consider yourself lucky.

The person, who’s eyes talk to your eyes. A person who’s voice could soothe you inside out completely. A person who’s touch is all you need to forget your fears/pain/problems even exist. A person you know is worthy of every damn thing. A person, the thought of losing who, brings immediate tears into your eyes. A person, who’s existence makes you thank God in every prayer of yours. A person who is nothing, but a blessing in your life.

This person need not be your sister, cousin, husband, wife. This relationship you share with this person need not be named. No name would define a bond so strong, a bond so pure, a bond so so dear and important. Nobody in this world would understand what you share with the person, not even the both of you. 

This person is your soul-mate. I mean it, there is no other who could complement your soul like this person.

They exist in your life for a reason, i don’t know what the reason may be, but it is something i would love to find out.

[shkinnydiaries]

He had her Extra Key.

“I just need some space, please don’t bother me”; she told him, when all he said was he was missing her and needed to meet her.

All day long she thinks about him and misses him, but she didn’t want to speak to him, because he always had something to argue about. He was not craZy, he had his reasons to argue for, but these reasons were unavoidable. These reasons were the circumstances. These reasons were the reality!

He didn’t come see her that day, knowing she would get angry if he even thought of traveling those 120 kms that night just to have one quick dinner meal with her. He was afraid of her anger.

“Let me just see you, have dinner with you, and I promise I’ll go back”

“Don’t you understand!!!? I need my space and peace. Which I can’t have with you around”

She would be sleeping with peace that night. Well, that’s what she thought. She turned and tossed on the bed, heard some songs to get to sleep and get him out of her head. She cried herself to sleep. She missed his presence next to her on the bed. The way he hugged her in the spoon position, nothing intimate, but a lot of warmth and love. A feeling of security. A feeling of being held and wanted by someone. A feeling which these words don’t give justice to. She wanted to feel his skin, touch it, know that he was right beside her. She felt so lonely in the room and only managed to get some disturbed sleep.

She got up all of a sudden. Knowing she’s not going to get any sleep that night, she just kept her eyes shut and wanted to cry….but felt a hand over her head putting her to sleep. She opened her eyes, saw him sitting on the bed next to her with her head placed on his lap. She looked at him, smiled, and shut her eyes. Wait, what? She got up again in fear, and noticed he was real!!!! She was not hallucinating! He was right there. He managed to drive all the way down just to watch her sleep peacefully. She quickly recalled, he had her “extra key” (and what a way to make use of it !!💗) He was an angel, her guardian angel. She could not believe he was right there. She felt complete again. She hugged him tight, and managed to sleep well after that. The picture of the puzzle in her mind, which she wanted to put together was just beautiful, it missed out on a couple of pieces. She knew, that he and her together were the missing pieces to the puzzle; when put together would show the beautiful picture altogether.

She loved him so much. Only thing she didn’t know; that she did. Until it was too late.

[shkinnydiaries]

Love can be bitter, but I'll have another bite.

ShkinnyDiaries

[shkinnydiaries]

Sometimes your greatest fears turn out to be your best accomplishments. #untoldfuture #hopes

ShkinnyDiaries

[shkinnydiaries]

Her Anger for his Love.

He hugged her when she yelled in anger. He hugged her when she was losing her mind and she shouted at him for doing that. She said that she hated how he was constantly around her to blow her fears away, wipe her tears off, make sure she sleeps happy and never miss out on a chance to smile. He was everything that she wanted, but couldn't have. Not because he didn't feel the same about her, but because she didn't have the courage to stand up for him. She was mad, mad at him. Even mad at herself for being such a coward. And even more mad at herself when ever she returned anger for all the love he gave. She often wondered, can a guy like this be for real? It was like those perfect kind of guys she would dream of. Who knew her completely inside out. Who would never judge her, and there would be no requirement of any explanation during misunderstandings. They had that kind of understanding, which you would only dream of having with someone. It's like they were two bodies, one soul. There was definitely a romantic element between them, which they never lit. They knew they shouldn't. Perhaps, they wished they did. She was just angry, angry for all the love she received from him.

[shkinnydiaries]

There's nothing left to lose, after losing you.

[shkinnydiaries]

I remember tossing and turning on the bed in my hotel room when I kept thinking about how much I miss you. And what would I give just to hear your voice once. Exams approaching, where is my motivation giver? My strength? In your absence too, I feel your words echoing through my head even louder than before but then it kills me when it starts to fade away. As I lay there, I wanted to hear you just once. I wanted you to motivate me, talk to me. Just once. "Hi, how are you" I couldn't believe it. It was your voice I heard. I quickly gathered all my breath and energy to just say a simple hello. But at the same time wanted to scream in joy about how I had been thinking about you, and co-incidentally received your call the very same night. I don't remember what exactly you told me but the warmth in your voice, the strong, blows me out of my senses voice was just enough for me. When I tried to speak, I couldn't. I wondered why. That's when I realized, your voice in my head stronger than ever before, so sharp, so pitch perfect was just a memory. I woke up happy. Very happy. Slightly disappointed as I hunted for my phone across the bed. 5 am. And no calls. But, it was only just a dream.