♡loveaddict♡

☆°•○●the act of creation●○•°☆

[shmitty]

Here recently more than ever I've been feeling like I've been losing it

Funny one of the one things that would finally tip me over the edge

Is a grackle

That either ran into a window or something

I see it flailing and struggling against some unseen force

To no avail

Letting go with the steering wheel

Letting my hands draw up to my face

The senseless horror

Must have been plastered all over it

It's just because I can relate

Nothing but a ball of feathers

An unseen tethers

Like it was tangled in a unstable unseen yarn of life

But the grackle and I both know that it's there

It draws my mind back to this visual representation

Of what's going on during opioid addiction

These little microscopic things

Travel along the protein strains

They will pick up the opioid carry it on its back for some ways sit it down and repeat the process over and over and over and over and over

Mindlessly almost like it's in a trance

I seem to think back to myself

Try to convince myself and tell myself Matt

This is not your weight to carry

Not your burden to bear

But it seems the more I flail the more I struggle that every string, every thread, and every cord

It's getting tighter and tighter

Out of every injury and illness

Out of cause and effects self-inflicted or otherwise

I'm so tired

And for as tight as I hold on to the spiritual journey

It seems the world is so ugly

It would be easy to give up

To let go

To stop struggling

But isn't anything really worth it worth fighting for

I hope between God and the grackle both

They can have more mercy on me

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

I have no time to write

Though I really need to

My souls flailing, raging , screaming at the top of its lungs

But I can do nothing

But feed and chew on thoughts

Stare off

As my hands trimbel

With every

Level of exhaustion

Or my body breaking down from every aching muscle

I need it

I need August

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

It doesn't matter how much freedom you think you have

You could travel the distance of the Earth

Only to realize

Through the lack of oxygen

Deep down in the tumultuous depths of the sea

To the vast expansions of space

You may think you're free

You're just misjudging the size of the cage we're all in

The moment you realize

It's kind of hard not to feel trapped

Go a bit stir crazy

But I guess that's fine

But the end of the day

You have plenty of space to pace around

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

I now understand why those teachers said I'd never make it

Never hold a job down

End up either dead or in jail

Yeah real great thing to place on a kids shoulders

They said it was because I was a dreamer

And no that it wasn't a good thing

That I lived in a fantasy reality

Illogical aspirations

My mind being elsewhere

But now I see

My counter argument

They were only half right

Yes my mind is elsewhere

But

Not in the way they thought

It's not so much that I'm a dreamer anymore

But as stupid as they made me feel

The issue is I was too smart for common society

That I could see past all the rules , illogic and contradictions

In every aspect the world has put into society

And the ones in control

And there human hunters

But beyond all

That I held my head down

Held my peace

Stayed in line

And you know what

This run

I've held this job over 6 years

Longest span was over 10

Overcome addiction on a heavy substance

On my own

6 years

I have four beautiful children

Still have mom and lee

And a girl that has managed to take every broken part of me

And find a way to love it

Though sometimes I think all of them deserve better

I'm forever grateful

And despite how hard it is

How bad it gets

How much I suffer

Despite the curse they tried putting on my shoulders

I've proved them all wrong

And after I'm done gone

It'll be this moment I can look back on

And just maybe

Smile

And in that moment

Would I have done anything different

I don't think so

For the good and the bad

Flaws and all

It was my story

And I think it was perfect

-love addict-

[shmitty]

The glue that held our family together dissolved

Both my distant family and my immediate family

Both parts were of extreme importance

After they were gone

Everybody just kind of faded out from each other

My dad is what held my immediate family together

Me, mom my brother our kids

And my aunt being what held the rest of us together

Me my parents both aunts,uncles,and cousins

Certain aesthetics always bring my mind back to them

The beauty of a magnolia tree

Old pastel toys with that washed worn look to them

Old fashioned handmade Powdered biscuits

The smell of a church basement or hymnals

Any of it sets off a slew of memories that hits me like an avalanche

Time took everything

And outside mentioned to someone else before

Like I've seen heaven

And I locked the door behind me to where I have to sit at the gate

-love addict-

[shmitty]

Mind of rocks

Through out trauma , pain and stresses

Anxiety, depression, mental dysfunctions

I find it hard

My mind hardened, calcified

Doesn't flow and easily and as lucid as it used to

Begging for some kind of inspiration

To come from what resembles a rock or stone

Than a brain

The pain through these years petrified within the folds

There's no way to undo this .....

Thoughts rattle

memories rumble

Course friction of stone against stone

An erosion of my consciousness within my experience of existence

How did I get here ?

The pure exhaustion

Despite the copious amounts of caffeine and nicotine

To pull my ADHD into submission

And get me from a to b

In a split second

The Bruised sky the sunset

Painted to my right

The lunar rainbow cutting through the clouds a hallow around the moon on my left

A small

Almost insignificant

Moment of peace

Amungst the chaos

The sound dulls

Vibration come to a stand still

Peace

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

-*.Jess.*-

You deserve a lot better

And a lot more than me

That I wish I could

Spend every waking moment

Using my hands

My feet

My heart, mind and soul

Everything within me

To show you the truth plain and simple

That within your

Kindness, beauty, and Grace

That you are pure perfection manifested upon the Earth

That within every molecule, cell, and Atom

That makes up your broken smile

To Grace your beautiful visage

Lips the entire game upon its head

That even in your imperfections there is perfection

That I wish I could take your hand

And travel the vast expansions of the universe

Take you anywhere that your heart would desire to go

Because even if we were in the deepest pandemonium of hell

Just being there with you

Could instantly convert it to the paradise of heaven

That I can put in the effort

To strive, slave, and work

To give you everything in existence conceived within creation

Placed lovingly

Into your gentle hands

That I would take every

Worry, woe and pain you carry

And use the spirit within me to convert it

To nothing but bliss, ease and comfort

Because

you deserve a lot better

A lot more than me

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

Listening to the story of Hercules again

It's always been one that hit way too hard

To many similarities

Being a outcast growing up

The madness induced violence

Against the ones you love

I mean heartbreak is to be expected

There's a reason it's called a Greek tragedy

But that's never really what the story was about was it

At least not the parts we know and love from that story

It's like I said the lesson learned

It's not our sins that define us as a villain

But

The hard work on the road of redemption

That make us the hero we were destined to become

I've walked this road for years

An aching , body

A exhausted soul

And a fractured mind behind teary eyes

My scars are a road map you could trace with a touch

Just to see how far I've come

A atlis of my pain and agony

Of the broken struggle and the work that went into it

In

Simply

A balance of

Trying to survive

Or

Biding time till death

Rarely or never

To live

It's hard not to pick up

Ideas of your worth and value

From the actions and opinions of other

But for as much self loathing or depreciation my brain could shell out I try

And I still continue to walk down that road

Through pain, sorrow and exhaustion

I walk

Thoughts crash into me

Memories burn

But

I walk

Dreams fade and dissipate like smoke into the night air while hope dies and blink out of existence like stars

And

Step by step

I continue to walk

Why ?

It is just as much my fault

As

It was that of those that hurt me the worst

Through my own actions

And theirs

We used our hands to shape out

My life , destiny, fate and existence

And

What it would become

I'm tired

And

As far as redemption is concerned

Maybe one day I'll find my way up that mountain

Stand on the top of the summit with outstretched hands

Reach up and grab mine

Hold it close to my chest never let go

Not till it's utterly

Changed

Into

The Self love

I lost so long ago

I may continue to walk

I may continue to fight

I may continue to try

Maybe I'll get it one day

But not

Today

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

The pure contrast

One side of the scales holds faith

The other fear

Complete, level

I stare utterly eclipsed within its shadow waiting on one side or the other to drop

A plan , fate , destiny

What's written in my pages

My mind as deep as the oceans depths or as vast as the skies above

Something that shakes you to your core to walk such great distances alone

To call out thoughts and have memories echo back in return

So much time

So much effort

Will I win this war

Or

Just become another casualty of it

They don't get it

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

After the punishment in the fall of Adam and Eve

Came the removal of The feathered serpent limbs

Genesis 3:14

14 So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,

“Cursed are you above all livestock

and all wild animals!

You will crawl on your belly

and you will eat dust

all the days of your life.

And understanding man celebrates this line because at least in the end of all there is justice

But a foolish Adam ask yourself two question

From what are you made?

And from what shall you return?

From the stresses, strife, and struggles

It is man that the devil cuts his teeth on

And it is only through the salvation of Christ

And the love we have for God and one another

That will save us from the infinite void of his throat

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

In an unsuspecting place I found love

I found a girl who genuinely loves and cares for me

She wants me ok and comfortable

Even at some of the worst times when I definitely don't deserve it

The point she trys

And that's definitely not something I'm used to

Its amazing to think

She took shattered broken peaces

And gently put them back together

Cherished and held each one

The times

The adventures

The inside jokes

These are things that I'm scared of terrified

These have always been the things

That hurt the worst

In the event things would go bad

But truthfully

They are the small things that other people would consider insignificant but

They mean everything to me

They are the entire world to me

I would not give them up or trade them for anything

I would hold them to my chest White knuckled

To make sure they stay as close to my heart as possible

Jess

Thank you

For everything

-love addict-

[shmitty]

I don't mean to make the ones that I love to try to tear each other apart

Need to find a better way

Or find a way to suffer in silence

Through clenched fist and teeth I say nothing

Just to keep peace

Keep from causing more drama and dissidence

All while being drugged down the road for every move I make

Just think to myself

- ( " yeah that's fair" )-

But when has it ever been

A mess of my own means and making

Just to have my face rubbed in it

For trying

I don't know

One day perhaps all of this will get better

In one way or another

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

I don't mean to make the ones that I love to try to tear each other apart

Need to find a better way

Or find a way to suffer in silence

Through clenched fist and teeth I say nothing

Just to keep peace

Keep from causing more drama and dissidence

All while being drugged down the road for every move I make

Just think to myself

- ( " yeah that's fair" )-

But when has it ever been

A mess of my own means and making

Just to have my face rubbed in it

For trying

I don't know

One day perhaps all of this will get better

In one way or another

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

I need to go away

Somewhere out with Jessi

Somewhere at the waters edge

Somewhere within the tranquil silence of nature

Through which I can hear God calling to me

A still silent whisper

Something that is hard to find or notice

But if heard or acquired

Gentle enough to ease the soul

Yep powerful enough to drown out the noise of the drama of this world

Depression and the past makes me not want to survive

Yet

Anxiety and the future makes me terrified that I won't

Complete contempt

For this complex paradox I find myself in

A tug of war

Between my heart ,mind and soul

A disadvantageous abhorrent

Selfless, selfishness

That I've no control over

The point of all of it is always been LOVE

Loving God

Loving Jesus

Loving your fellow man be it

Family, friend, neighbor, acquaintance, strangers and even your enemies

That's the easiest parts

But that also includes yourself

And that's the hardest part

And if you can't figure that out

It's all for not

I need peace

I need relaxation

And rest

Aliviaton from all this

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

Valero

I just have to make it to Valero

I walked on the shores of the liquor sea

Felt the tossing in the turning of the waves

I have napped

Within the field of poppies

Wandered within a haze of the marijuana jungle

Followed lines upon lines of ice and snow

Trek through the crystal caverns of my veins

Felt the sting of the serpents fangs

From the tree of knowledge

Set on a blanket made for four

Gulped down a cup of tea for inept teens

Traveled endless miles and endless spans across jurisdictions and borders

Berly scrapped through the muddy waters of kratom

Only to be back

The seeds of akumma

Tho grow yet another tree of knowledge

Yet the devil lies

Tells you it'll be the tree of Life

It won't

For every road he guides you to Paradise into Eden

Lead ultimately only to hell

A slew of symptoms

Withstanding withdrawals

A thorn in my side

Stare towards the sky

To catch a glimpse of the Father the son and the holy Ghost

There's no one that fully understands it

They are yet are not

Schrodinger's Trinity I guess

But still I scrounge and scrape by

Like some kind of ravenous stray animal

Through the night on back streets and back alleys

What am I running from ?

Will I ever really get there ?

Will there ever be peace ?

Only the Lord God Almighty knows

I just have to make it to Valero

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

Behind the mask

I get anxious

I get angry wrathful and violently mad

Lashing out like a stir crazed animal

Slamming into the bars of my cage to gnaw at the bars

Until I bring it before the throne of the Almighty

On my knees staring at the alabaster floor tiles

While

The vibrant colors of the stain glass

Vail parts of my broken visage

I

explaining

" I can't stand

These feelings

I try and try and try

But they just don't get it

They act out of sin,malice and hate

Where is the love of the kingdom ?

Where is the light ?

Where is the hope ? "

My eyes well up with tears

They stream down my face

The drops landing to kiss the floor

I realize

The anger, the wrath and rage

The masquerading mask of my emotions slip and I see the truth

Behind it all is

Sadness, heart break and fear

And beneath it all is love

Love for even the worst of them

Only through God's grace, mercy and love

Will we be ok

As deviating and impossible as it seems

We're in the best of hands

And his perfect plain and will permitting

We'll be ok

The love will find its way back

To the

World

-l.a.-

[shmitty]

Vermin's skies

The nostalgia of the setting Sun of the day

A substantial abundance of beauty

Such an oddity

To bring such peace and comfort and ease to One soul

Yet such an aftertaste of heartbreak

In knowing

The beauty that comes from her is the bruises she obtained

From the night that came as a thief to assault her and whisk her away from me

In tumultuous anger nature raging as lightning tears across the skies

It is a madness of chaos that I share with it within myself

My heart aches

For I do not want the day to depart

And to leave me

For me

The deep darkness brings toil and hardship

It brings chaotic thoughts rampaging ricochet throughout my mind

But as I turn my head

Upon entering Decatur

I can still see a few glimpses of that Bruised sky

Almost as the day herself is whispering in my ear

" Wait for me

It'll be okay

I promise you I will return "

For these 8 hours that I must face

It compares not to the three days Christ himself faced within the darkness

And just as his story

With mine

The light shall return

And there is hardly anything that compares

To my connection with the dawn

And if the heavens my true home provides God's rays

That is the most supreme sign and blessing

To me

- I heard of an experiment some people ran called the rat park experiment where they had two mechanism button or lever or something like that one hooked to straight tap water the other hooked up to sweetened morphine or cocaine

The sad result was often once the rats got the substance and addiction set is in most cases they would find

For hours on end these rats would try activating the mechanism for the substance constantly even if deactivated

Not only that but they would completely disregard the water completely up until death

Seeing how addiction can affect your survival instincts

At times I find in my existence I realate to these vermin

Caged within my own life and experience of existence

At times from its beauty in my mind transitions to quite a ugly thing

Not much difference

Substance

A button on a card reader or trading bills

A quid pro quo

Action and results

And how many lost that spark inside them

The drive to survive

Or even a point of over doing it to a over dose

There is no good or bad chemicals

It's our interactions with such that give them there moral stance -

How patiently I wait for the dawn

The pastel skies

The drive home

The comfort

-l.a.-