for the heartbroken and the lonely

(s.m) © shmwrites 2017 Please respect the copyright on this blog and do not distribute the content without appropriate credit.

[shmwrites]

i wonder if love is remembering how to stop loving.

if love is walking away.

i am starting to think sometimes love is knowing when it’s time to go,

no matter how badly you’d like to stay.

[shmwrites]

if my first love had stayed

he wakes up, makes his breakfast and leaves for work before i am up. he doesn’t kiss me goodbye while i sleep. he says he forgets to. he is always forgetting. we sleep so far apart it feels like we are in different beds. i am convinced one day the space between our bodies will be so big i won’t be able to reach him anymore. he says he loves me but it doesn’t sound how it used to. i wonder if love is supposed to make you feel so unlovable. i say it back but the words feel empty in my mouth. they linger in the air a moment before they are enveloped in the silence that fills the room. it is always the words that aren’t said that hurt the most. the silence becomes a part of our daily life. the third person in the relationship we turn to when all else fails. his words have made me cry but somehow his silence stings so much more. i wonder what happened to the two kids that learned what love was together. i wonder if this was always going to be our fate. if we were never meant to be forever, if we were only meant to be for the time being. i wonder if there is someone who would remember to kiss me before they leave for work. i wonder if love is remembering how to stop loving. if love is walking away. i am starting to think sometimes love is knowing it’s time to go no matter how badly you’d like to stay.

[shmwrites]

omg hello it’s been a while!! does anyone still use this? i’m big time in my reading era so kinda makes me want to use this/ write again!!

[shmwrites]

[shmwrites]

be the person you wish someone else would be for you. get up early so you can go get your coffee from your favourite coffee shop on your way to work. pick yourself back up when you fall down. be soft and guide yourself out of the dark places you fall into within your mind. stop waiting for someone else to come into your life before you start living it. stop assuming that being single is a storm that you have to wait out until someone comes along to pull you out of it. get to know yourself. learn to enjoy spending time by yourself. be so in love with the life you have made for yourself, so that when someone does come along, you’ll have no doubts about whether you’re in love with them or in love with the idea of not being alone. because being alone won’t frighten you anymore. because you’ll know that being alone will be better than being with the wrong person. because you’ll have learned that being alone will help you choose the person who’s right for your heart. and after everything you’ve overcome, that’s what you deserve.

[shmwrites]

the hardest thing i had to do this year was not to remember you as the person who loved me in ways no one else ever had before but to remember you as the person who left me broken in ways i didn’t think i could break.

it doesn’t matter how you loved me, it matters how you left me.

[shmwrites]

i fear that

i am

both

too much

yet

not enough

even at my best i’m a mess.

[shmwrites]

let’s take time this christmas to acknowledge the people who aren’t in our lives anymore. whether it be the person you thought you would spend all your christmas’ with who left you, the best friend who you drifted apart from or the toxic people you had to let go of for the sake of your own mental health.

it’s okay to miss them and it’s okay if you wish that you had gotten to spend one more christmas with them in your life. it’s normal to hurt, you’re still healing. but it’s not a sad thing, they’re not in our lives anymore because they’re not supposed to be.

so let’s celebrate the strength it takes to move forward and let them go, no matter how hard it is. let’s acknowledge our own personal growth this year and let’s be thankful as hell for it. let’s look ahead to the amazing people we have yet to meet. let’s be excited for the people who’ll stay. and let us lovingly let the people not meant for us go.

[shmwrites]

I promise you that there is no way that your life would be better with someone who doesn’t want to be in it.

[shmwrites]

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you don’t deserve to be sad about someone who doesn’t care about you anymore. you don’t deserve to be the only one hurting and the only one left who still cares. you deserve so much more than waiting for someone who may or may not come back to you. you deserve to be happy, to heal, to leave the past behind you and move on. you are too full of life to spend yours waiting on someone who left you.

i hope you heal soon.

[shmwrites]

Trying a new thing for February, self reflection journal prompts!

Here’s my answer to: am I willing to trust the timing of my life?

Are you willing to trust the timing of your life?

(Just realised I got the year wrong 😭 I’m still living in the past lmaoo)

[shmwrites]

I wish that I could leave the past tucked in the corner of my mind in its box, undisturbed.

But I can’t.

Instead the past is a door left half open, a knot tied not quite tight enough, constantly coming undone.

It is memories coming back to me that I thought I had forgotten, that I desperately tried to scrub away from the deepest corners of my mind.

It is walking through the streets we once walked through together and remembering it all as nostalgia washes over me, flooding my thoughts with you.

The past isn’t gone in my mind, instead it is a visitor who has made itself too welcome in my head, no matter how many times I hint that I am tired, that it is time to go.

[shmwrites]

i am still in love

with the memories

of what we were

and the hopes

of what could have been

had you stayed

i am stuck

in the past

replaying our mistakes

desperately searching

for a different ending

preferably one

where we

do not end at all

if i could rewrite our story, i would.

[shmwrites]

i fear that

i am

both

too much

yet

not enough

even at my best i’m a mess.

[shmwrites]

a picture i took in my hometown :)

[shmwrites]

to tell you the truth, i haven’t driven passed your moms house since the day we said goodbye, and i still take a detour so i don’t have to go near your street. i’m terrified that the crippling wave of nostalgia might unearth any feelings that still linger two years on. i don’t want to believe that you still have that kind of hold over me. i don’t want to give you the satisfaction of you somehow having a fragment of my heart when you’re the last person in the world who deserves it...or wants it.

but i think we both know you always will (first love’s a bitch).

[shmwrites]

i wish i hadn’t smashed the plates and cut us with the shards when you told me you wanted me gone. asking you if this is what you wanted, if you wanted us both to be broken and hurting and bleeding all over the living room floor.

i wish that i had dealt with things better. i regret putting you in the position to be the victim in the situation you caused. in the situation that hurt me and benefitted you. i hate that i’m the bad one in all of this to your friends and family. i regret that i’ll never get to share my side or fight my corner because there isn’t a corner left for me anymore.

i wish that when you told me you didn’t want me anymore i put down my glass, thanked you for the love we shared and walked right out the door. i wish i had left with dignity and strength.

but we both know, i just didn’t have it in me.

maybe you’d miss me if i had left better, maybe you’d be the villain in all of this (inspired by my tears richoet)