THE SHOPLIFTING BIBLE

[shopliftingbible]

GRANDPA SWEATER.

Yes, that is a noun now. Long story short, my friends and I were in Goodwill, we all dig hipster crap and one of my friends saw a sweater that looked awesome but also like something an old dude would wear. He took it, threw it on and walked out. Since then we usually call shoplifting "Grandpa Sweatering". At first it was just putting stuff on and walking out but it's just become a generic term. So yeah Grandpa Sweater. AKA: Be confident. If you're unsure of yourself you're gonna fail. If you hit an alarm and you hesitate you're screwed. You've got to be able to talk your way out of a disaster if the time comes. Stay cool and collected but aware and cautious too. Overconfidence will get you into trouble (see Commandment II: Arrogance). If you look suspicious, chances are to a store you are. If you carry yourself with confidence in an innocent appearance, you'll blend in. Seems like common sense but some people just don't think about making sure they've got the balls to back up their innocent act.

Look like you've got nothing to hide and they'll assume the same. Also, if you can get away with just throwing on fashionable old people clothes, by all means cap'n, make it happen.

[shopliftingbible]

TOOL IT

Use tools and use them with confidence. If you've got the guts make a booster bag (I wouldn't use this often if at all since it kinda is a FELONY to even POSSESS ONE if you get caught and haven't even taken anything) but be sure you make it legit. Don't just take some messenger bag and line it with duct tape and foil. DIY or die man. You'll want multiple layers to be safe and be sure to get every side (that includes the bottom and if applicable top). Sew fabric around or over the foil so it is legitimately covered. If your bag gets checked and there's foil all the way around it you're done.

Booster Bags are pretty heavy crap to be dealing with, certainly not something an amateur or really anyone should mess with especially if they don't have the skill and confidence to tote them. Don't limit yourself to thinking you need to stuff things in bags and purses or backpacks. Anything can really be used. I've walked into Kohl's with a Styrofoam cup of sprite from a restaurant and walked out with a cup full of new Equipo boxer briefs (on the rocks a bit but they're fine and were free). Don't forget about yourself, your clothes are always available, though that's always an obvious place of concealment so be sure to think outside the box.

Creativity will keep you out of the cage. Just make sure you know how to use your tools better than your opponents know how to apprehend them.    

[shopliftingbible]

MAKE HASTE!

The less time you waste the less you look like a criminal. By all means take time if you need it to not be sloppy but don't wander seemingly aimlessly through a store. They KNOW what you're doing especially if you hit every aisle (trying to find a blind spot or whatever reason you have). Most shoppers know what they need and don't impulsively just walk through every aisle. If you take too long the game will be up. Be fast, be precise.

This goes back to planning. Know the store before you go there to take something. Know where blind spots are ahead of time (if there are multiple ones, especially in a grocery section like at Walmart try to switch them up often, VARIETY) and get it done. 

Slow and steady doesn't win this race. Get fast, get done and get out. The longer you take the more you bait.

[shopliftingbible]

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

...Not everything anyways. Seems counterproductive I know but bear with me it makes sense in the end.

So long as you don't act mega suspicious the cameras aren't going to be on you every step of your shopping trip. Get what you plan to pocket and get it stashed fast. Then go walk around looking for groceries or whatever. Pick something small that you kinda do want but don't mind paying for and head to the check out to get it. (For instance, I take major good care of my hair. I get $30 of CHI shampoo and conditioner stashed in my pants then buy some Boca burgers or a gallon of milk. Leave with $33 dollars of stuff, spend $3.) The cameras aren't crazy HD and aren't going to keep hardcore track of what you show up at the register with (or without) if they even bother to look at you and see that you have picked up something. You went through a line, you paid for something and you walked out with a bag of stuff that a cashier gave you. That should be enough to satisfy any suspicion if you've even got any on you. 

Sometimes you have to spend money to save money.

[shopliftingbible]

ACCOMPLICATE THINGS.

ACCOMPLICES ACCOMPLISH. It's sometimes easier to do things with a partner or partners (just you know, don't take a crowd with you to take things, pretty sure that MIGHT draw attention). 

STRATEGIZE, PLAN AND COOPERATE. Always have plans, disorganized groups are obviously way easier than organized to bust. A plan my friends and I typically use is to have 2 (or more) people go in, but one person stays clean and doesn't take anything. You walk out at the same time and in the event that you just plain suck at Commandment II and an alarm goes off, you keep walking and the "scapegoat" stays behind looking confused and all that acting jazz. They get searched or whatever but obviously don't have anything on them so they get turned loose while the person that actually took the swag kept walking and got away clean. PLAN BRO. If you've got plans they'll save your butt.

It's always convenient to have a clean accomplice, to block the sight of cameras, employees or people out to just plain be jerks and bust you. It never hurts to have a look out and as previously described, if you plan to have a scapegoat and leave them clean you all should win.

GET FRIENDS. GET SMART. GET PLANS. GET MONEY. GET BITCHES. Stop listening to mainstream rap. For real. Unless it's just to dance like a slut, that's always fun, but yeah, not for serious.

[shopliftingbible]

DOUBLE FREAKING CHECK

Need a reason why? You could check the story in the previous post or just consider the fact that it'll probably suck if you get caught. I should've made this the first commandment but yeah. As inconspicuously as possible, make sure there is NOTHING to bust you on your swag. RFID tags, Ink tags (which you really shouldn't screw with unless you've got a tool to EASILY open them anyways) or whatever. Also CHECK YOUR AREA. Scan the ceiling for cameras when you first walk in. If there are cameras, check for blind spots. If there aren't cameras sweet, but don't get sloppy. If you can help it, wait to pocket your prize when there's NO ONE AROUND. Why? You never know who's going to bust you. It could be another customer wanting to be a tattle tale moron or Loss Prevention you're unaware of.

A friend of mine that worked at Walmart told me how they actually have Loss Prevention employees dressed as regular people that just walk around to watch people. Just because someone doesn't look like they'll bust you it doesn't mean they won't. Don't risk it if you can help it.

Two more shoplifting tips you should already know: Variety and Arrogance.

VARIETY: Don't hit the same place ALL THE TIME EVERY TIME. It's only a matter of time before you get caught. If it's a place you really can't avoid the solution is pretty easy, don't steal every time or AT LEAST buy something. Some stores actually do have COOL PEOPLE working there. If not so you don't get caught, at least for the sake of any rad people that don't suck working there, after all, they aren't hired to stand around while you jank all their merch.

ARROGANCE: Don't get cocky. You get full of yourself, you get sloppy, you get sloppy you get caught. End of story. No matter how good you think you are, you're never too good to cheat probability and chances are if you get arrogant, you'll eventually lose.

[shopliftingbible]

TIGHTEN UP!

If you can anyways. DRESS TO KILL. Who suspects a kid with jeans so tight you can see his junk to take something? There's barely room for his body in there let alone a store's merchandise so why should they be suspicious of you? Fact of the matter is stores overcharge like MADNESS. Screw that noise, stores aren't there for you, they're there to fill their wallet and they'll take yours to do it. What do my friends and I wear? Tight jeans, I somehow squeeze into a women's size 5 and wear small shirts. Throw a hoodie on and you're good to go. You'll be surprised what you can get under a shirt, hoodie and tight pants. 400+ page books, Bristol pads, HUNDREDS of dollars in Copic and Prisma markers (Typically $7.50 and $4 respectively), 14 oz. shampoo and conditioner bottles and all the product to go with it, makeup, even clothing. Trust me, it's crazy but a little at a time adds up.

Tight clothes make you mad unsuspicious, if you're in tight jeans and you and some guy in bulky clothes go through a sensor and one of you set it off who do you expect to get caught? Case in point, today a friend and I were in bed bath and beyond. I grabbed a new stainless steel spatula since the one we have at home is a melting $1 piece of plastic crap from walmart and we needed a new one. He needed some batteries and grabbed an 8 pack. Not thinking to check them there's sensor on them and we go to leave obviously setting off the alarm. Instead of running which makes it mad obvious we just chill and look back at a third friend (a trick I'll get to later). The cashier came out to check us out but let us leave. Everyone knows damn well phones don't set off sensors (though my friend asked her if that could've been it anyways) and she HAD to know we took something but she couldn't see it on us so she just said whatevs see ya and we bailed. Pretty sure if we were wearing bulky enough stuff she'd be a lot more on our case.

MORAL OR LACK THEREOF OF THE STORY? Wear damn skinny jeans and tight clothes. You probably don't suspect you can get much into them but neither do stores.