>> being best friends with a frat boy can be a real pain in the ass sometimes
or
there's no one who knows you quite like miya atsumu <<
series status: [ongoing]
masterlist. || next.
a/n: somebody lmk if atsuyn know they have feelings for each other bc i havent figured it out yet
[feel free to buy me a cup of coffee!]
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Miya Atsumu has attachment issues.
Even at five years old, you can see it ā the difference between him and the boy who shares his face.Ā
Osamu is quiet, with a gentle expression and disinterested eyes. Whenever he spots you on the other side of the fence, playing by yourself in your backyard, he waves and says your name in way that flies away with the wind. Sometimes he just peers over at you until you notice him, asks what youāre playing when you finally do. But he tends to leave you be, more interested in escaping the whirlwind that is his brother.
Atsumu is a different story ā the same face, but a voice that makes your ears hurt and your heart pound. He makes you mad, makes you want to yell at him. But when you do raise your voice, you think he might like you more because of it. He only ever calls into his house, asking his mother if he can come play in your yard. Laughing when you yell that he canāt. Appearing at your side, taking your toys and forcing you into a game you didnāt come up with.
āGo away,ā you say, every day without fail. āYouāre annoying!āĀ
His response is always the same, loud and grating and marked by Osamu just behind him, rolling his eyes.Ā
āYeah, but ya like me!ā Smile so wide that his eyes disappear, gap in the space where heās just lost a tooth.
You donāt tell him that heās wrong.
āĀ
He follows you around in school. Youāre smaller than him at that age, and he makes it known that heās aware of it.Ā
āGimme, Iāll do it,ā he says, taking your books from your arms and carrying them to your cubbyhole.
āWatch where yer goinā!ā he yells when older kids bump into you in the hall, caring less than you about manners and politeness and getting himself into trouble with them more often than not.
āCan ya see alright, shortie?ā he asks when you crane your neck to see the board, pointing to his own seat as if offering it to you. Grinning playfully when you just roll your eyes and squint harder at the teacherās handwriting.Ā
āSamu and I are thinkinā of tryinā out fer the volleyball team,ā he tells you one day, shoveling food into his mouth and only smiling when you look him over in disgust. āYou gonna be okay on your own?ā
You huff at him, eating much more carefully. āIām not a kid, Tsumu ā I donāt need you to keep an eye on me all the time.ā You gesture at the cafeteria around you. Youāre the only one sitting with him at lunch ā youāre the only one who ever sits with him at lunch. Osamu sits somewhere else, with Aran, and occasionally drifts over to talk to you. āYou sure you donāt need someone to keep an eye on you? Youād be all alone without me.ā
He just shrugs and shoves more food in his mouth. Youāre not quite sure where he puts it all. āAināt you enough?ā
āWhat about Samu?ā
āSamuās a given.ā
āWhat about the volleyball team?ā
āWhat about āem?ā
āYou have to at least try to get along with them, Tsumu.ā
āSure, I guess,ā he starts, lifting the lip of his rice bowl to his mouth and scooping the last few grains in. His voice echoes against the metal while he talks. āBut whatādo I need them for? I got you.ā
You warm, wondering if he knows how that sounds to anyone passing by. A quick glance tells you that no oneās even close enough to hear.Ā
Youāre on an island alone with Miya Atsumu. Sometimes you wish you had a way off, a lifeboat or a rescue ship to come get you.
He meets your eyes when heās done eating, his expression genuine ā always a little too intense, but genuine all the same. āI heard the team needs a manager.ā When you only lift your brows in response, he shrugs. āYou wouldnāt haveāta walk home alone, at least.ā
Most days, you donāt mind the island so much.Ā
ā
Your first crush hits you like a truck in junior high. A boy with a sweet face but a wicked sense of humor ā youāre drawn to the way his eyes twinkle, the way heās a little too playful. He jokes a little too much, but his smile when heās scolded is too pretty for you to care. And you have the wonderful privilege of being his seatmate, the closest youāll ever get to him.
Thereās a point in time when you think you might actually have a chance with him. He finds you funny, and he always asks how your weekend was. You fantasize that maybe thereās a world where he likes your company.
The issue, however, is that heās popular. Heās popular and he knows it.
And youāve grown into a girl who acts like a boy because you were raised with twin boys who act like animals.Ā
Youāre not the kind of girl heād look twice at, not when the other girls in your class smell like flowers and giggle to each other quietly. You think you smell fine, but thereās certainly no giggling happening in your life.Ā
No, you tend to be surrounded more by screaming and fighting and swearing, courtesy of Miya Atsumu.
It makes the twins popular, too ā they have that mischievous energy, the kind that makes girls fall for them more whenever they fight in the hall.Ā
Girls want to be near that type of boy, but boys donāt want to be near that type of girl.
āSorry,ā your seatmate says when you corner him behind the school one day and nervously hold out a box of chocolates, hoping for a single chance with him. āYouāre really cool, but Iām not that interestedā¦āĀ
He doesnāt make fun of you, youāll give him that. Heās sympathetic, and seems genuinely sorry to hurt your feelings. Even now, during a rejection, your crush on him grows.
āBesides,ā he adds, uncertainly and with a nervous smile. āArenāt you and Miya a thing?ā
Itās the first time youāve ever felt your brain stop working.
āN-No,ā you mumble, shaking your head forcefully after a moment. āNot even a little bit ā why? Did he say that?ā
You canāt imagine that he ever would; Atsumu may be attached, but heās never gone too far.
āNo, no! Sorry, I must have misunderstoodā¦ā He scratches the back of his head. āItās just that⦠you two seem really close. Youāre always together.ā
He leaves you there after a moment of silence, whispering another awkward āsorryā that you never hear. You just crouch in place, box of chocolate on the ground and confusion numbing your limbs. You pull your phone from your jacket hollowly, dialing the most frequently called number and listening to it ring.
āY/n? Where are you? I didnāt see yer stuff in the locker.āĀ
Atsumuās voice is the same as always. Unassuming, unapologetic. Attached.
āHave you been telling people that weāre dating?ā You whisper it, too afraid that youāll speak something horrible into reality.
āWhatāre you talkinā about?ā He laughs, a bark of confused amusement. āWhy the hell would I be doinā that?ā
āSo⦠you havenāt, right?ā
He makes a noise of derision. āāCourse not, donāt be insane.ā Thereās a silence between you that you find disquieting. He seems to feel it, too. āWhy?ā
You consider it a moment longer. He really must not be behind this. āNothing. No reason.ā
āYer lyinā. ā
āForget it.ā
āDonāt wanna-ā
āWell, I do,ā you snap.Ā
He pauses for a moment ā just a moment, pointed enough for your anger to become embarrassing.Ā
His response is quiet. āYer shit at hiding things, you know.ā
Heās crude when he talks to you, all honesty and no humility.
But Miya Atsumu has always been that way.
ā
Astumuās attachment to you continues well into high school.
Itās a running joke now, one that comes in shared looks between Osamu and Suna Rintarou, who had asked only a week into first year if the two of you were dating. To this day, youāre convinced that heād only asked at all because Atsumu had made a very loud point about needing to be your seatmate when the teacher had placed you across the room. Suna had cracked the joked under his breath ā āitās giving obsessed boyfriendā ā but everyone heard, and everyone laughed. Only Atsumu had looked confused, and that was because you were fixing him with a glare that could melt metal.
Suna had made an instant friend in the quieter twin and an instant enemy in you. It had been a struggle for the rest of junior high to be rid of that impression, and you couldnāt allow it to continue into high school, not when the boys in your class are finally starting to notice you.
Suna had made up for it with a semesterās worth of vending machine snacks ā half of which were eaten by Atsumu, anyway.
āYou know,ā Osamu says one day in second year, approaching you during a break in Inarizakiās practice time. Youāre folding towels on the floor, having been roped into the Manager position again. You glance up at him warily, knowing better than to think Osamuās innocent just because heās quiet. āSuna thinks Aran has a crush on you.ā
You blink in surprise, craning your neck to look around Osamu and observe the older boy. Heās on the floor at the edge of the court, wiping his forehead and stretching next to Kita.Ā
Aranās sweet, and youāve known him a long time. Youāve always been fond of him ā a little shy because heās older, but fond all the same. In junior high, he would help you with your homework and was always willing to help you study. He would buy you snacks and ruffle your hair when you would get too riled up by Atsumuās antics. Youād always liked him, always felt lighter when he was around.
But could you see yourself dating him?
His eyes find yours across the court. You watch as his face warms, and heās sending you a kind smile. You warm, too, imagining a different kind of relationship with Aran.
Thereās a yellow-blond head in your line of sight before that thought can go anywhere meaningful.
āWhatcha lookinā at!ā
You could kill him.
āNothing,ā you say, returning to the towels. Atsumu crouches beside you, leaning into your face.
āYer definitely starinā at somethinā.ā He tracks where youād been looking before, tracks it all the way to Aran Ojiro. You glance up through your eyelashes ā Aranās looked away, lips pursed in disappointment.
A spike of annoyance flies down your spine, and the towel in your hand suffers the sudden grip of your tightened fist. When you meet Atsumuās eyes, you see it.Ā
Surprise.
āYou like Aran?ā he whispers. Osamu uses the oh-so-convenient distraction to take his leave.
āNo,ā you mutter, glaring at the younger twin as he sidles away. āWouldnāt matter if I did, anyway.ā
Atsumu tilts his head like he has no clue what youāre saying. āWhy not?ā
āYou know exactly why not.ā You stand with the stack of towels, walking away from him quickly ā angrily, hoping he doesnāt follow you.
He starts to, but a whistle rings across the gym, so heās forced to walk away.
You fill water bottles in the sink, wondering why your hands are shaking so bad ā why you feel just a little disappointed that the conversationās over.
ā
He follows you home that day. Ignores Osamu the entire walk home, poking and prodding at your anger while he looks for answers. You ignore him in turn, purposely only talking to Osamu, who looks like he wants to melt through the asphalt.
When you finally make it home, you speed past their house and through the gate of your own, looking forward to being alone.
Atsumu would never let that happen.
āY/n,ā he calls, chasing after you and stopping the front door just as youāre slamming it shut. He slips through, following you into your house and only pausing momentarily to greet your mother, whoās less than surprised that Miya Atsumu is in her kitchen.
He still manages to get to your bedroom door before you can close it, leaning into the wood and grunting when you throw your bodyweight against it on the other side.
āLet-me-in,ā he huffs, pushing with his shoulder. You plant both hands on the door and lean with all your might.
āGo away, Miya!ā
āNo! I donāt jusā go away, and you know that!ā
āIām tired of seeing you!ā
āNo yer not-ā You want to be angrier at him than you are, more stubborn than youāre capable of. āIām yer best friend!ā
āNo youāre not!ā you yell back. Another lie, one meant to catch him just off guard enough that you can get the door shut.Ā
It doesnāt work. How obvious is it if even he can tell?
āWell, yer my best friend, so Iām not goinā!āĀ
You groan and drop your hands, letting the door fly open and watching as he lands flat on his face. āWhat do you want? Why are you being annoying?ā
He mumbles, face buried in your rug. āTell me why it wouldnāt matter if ya liked Aran.ā
āYou know why.ā
āNuh-uh. Got no clue.ā
āBecause-ā You sigh, heated as you sit on your bed. āIt never matters if boys like me or if I like boys. You always get in the way.ā
āHow?!ā He lifts his head, clearly affronted and completely ignoring the red spot on his face from hitting the ground.
āYouāre everywhere!ā you yell, throwing your arms out. āBoys donāt wanna go out with a girl who always has a boy at her side!ā
His jaw falls. āThat donāt make sense! Just ācause Iām a boy, it doesnāt mean anything! Weāre friends!ā
āTell that to every boy thatās ever rejected me because they ādonāt wanna get on Miyaās bad sideā.ā You quote them directly, the same excuse given over and over again since middle school.
āWhat the hell have I got to do with anythinā?!ā He looks utterly baffled and a little bit annoyed, like itās your fault that heās not understanding. āYou sure it aināt ācause you dress like a teenage boy and sit like a gangster?ā
āPlease just fuck off, Tsumu.ā You flop onto your back and shut your eyes. āIām tired of guys backing away and asking āWhat about Miya?ā when I confess to them. You got a whole fanclub of girls wanting your attention, and I canāt get a boy within ten feet of me? Howās that fair?ā
You hear Atsumu sit up, so you tilt your head and peer down at him. He stares up at you with wide eyes. Quiet, for the first time in his life.
āI didnāt know that.ā
You blink. He blinks back.
He really hadnāt known.
You look away, swallowing hard. āWell, now you do.ā
Thereās silence between you, one that doesnāt feel quite right.
āIs that what happened before? That day ya called me?ā
He remembers. He remembers, but he hadnāt been able to put it together.
What an idiot.
āYeah,ā you mumble, shutting your eyes and throwing an arm over your face. āI thought maybe you were saying something around school.ā
āI wouldnāt do that tāyou,ā he says right away. āWhy would I do that? Weāre not together.ā
You laugh to yourself. āAnd yet, weāre always together.ā
āSo?ā
You glance down at him from under your arm. āYou donāt realize how possessive you are⦠do you?ā
His brow furrows, and he stares down at nothing.
āIām not-ā
āIf I started dating Aran, how would you feel?ā
You watch him very carefully.
You watch as his jaw clenches, as he struggles to maintain a neutral expression, even though he doesnāt realize youāre looking at him.
āYou can date who you want,ā he whispers. You keep your eyes on him and drive the point home.
āIf I spent more time with him? Walked home with him after practice? Ate lunch with him? Saw him on the weekend?ā
Atsumu has no idea that heās pouting right now. āās not like I like you er anything. Yer Y/n.ā
You smile to yourself and look away, finally, eyes closing again. āYou donāt need to like me to be possessive of me.ā
You donāt bother asking if he understands. His silence says enough.
āYa want me to back off?ā he eventually asks, voice soft.
Cut the attachment.
A knife-slice separation of you and Miya Atsumu.
The voice in your head ā the one thatās always angriest with Miya Atsumuās intrusive nature ā says no. Whispers it, acknowledges that saying yes means hurting him and hurting you.Ā
Wonders what saying no might mean.
āI mean it,ā Atsumu says, his voice a little hollow, like itās trapped in his throat. āIf ya wanna date Aran ā or anyone, I guess ā and weāre too⦠If Iām tooā¦ā
The word no rings in your head, but the little voice changes its tune ā this would be the only time youāre given the choice to change your friendship with him. If you say no, youād have to be okay with him being like this forever, unapologetic and unmoving.
If you say yes, youād have some breathing room. A little bit of space, a little bit of a chance to become your own person ā a chance to be known as you, not as you and Miya Atsumu.
Heās giving you a chance.
You close your eyes again, fiddling with a loose string in your sleeve. Wondering why youād started this conversation in the first place.
āItās fine, Tsumu. You donāt need to back off.ā
Youāre not sure when youād grown attached to him, too.
ā
Nothing happens with Aran ā he tells you later that itās better this way, and thereās an inexplicable relief in the pit of your stomach when he does.
Your attachment to Miya Atsumu grows when youāre too careless to keep an eye on it.
ā
āMe and the boysāre thinkinā about joininā Lambda.ā
You tug another part through Atsumuās hair, making sure not to get any bleach on the undercut. āYou and the boys, huh? Samuās not much of a frat guy.ā
āSaid somethinā about not trustinā me and Suna to survive a hazing.ā
You just hum, completely understanding Osamuās point of view. āYou do have bad impulse control.ā
āDo not!ā he complains, tilting his head back to look up at you. All he accomplishes is a smear of bleach on your bare thighs and a smack of your gloved hand against the side of his head.
āWatch it,ā you snap, hurrying to wipe the bleach off your skin. Youāve got him sitting on the floor in front of your bed, in the cramped little dorm room that the twins and Suna had helped you move into at the end of the summer. Your thighs sit firmly on either side of him, both to balance the bleach mix on your leg and to keep him from squirming. āIāll let you walk around with piss yellow hair like you did in high school.ā
āNo, donātā¦ā he whines, straightening and letting you work. āYou always do it the best. And itās free.ā
You laugh wholeheartedly. āYou think this is free? I have your credit card number memorized and a lot of online shopping to do.ā
He scoffs, mumbling āwhat the fuckā to himself before making a noise of confusion. āWhatāre you shoppinā for? You got all your shit already.ā
āNeed new clothes.ā
He points at your open closet, stuffed full of clothes and shoes. āDo ya?ā
āThose clothes arenāt flattering on me.ā
āYeah, because you dress like a fucking twelve-year-old-ā
āIāll leave you like this, I swear to god-ā
āOkay, okay,ā he laughs. āBut seriously, whatādo you need new clothes for?ā
You shrug even though he canāt see it. āI wanna change my style a bit⦠be more girly, maybe?ā
He shakes his head slightly. āWhat for? Youāre fine.ā
āI mean, if Iām gonna be partying at Lambda a lot, Iām gonna want a roster of Lambda boys, donāt you think?ā
Atsumu scoffs so hard that he chokes on his saliva. He turns to look up at you, disbelief scribbled all over his face. Thereās bleach dripping down from his hairline. You canāt help but wipe at it carefully.
āThe fuck are you talking about? A roster-ā
āAm I not allowed to?ā You level him with a challenging look, but he just rolls his eyes.
āYou know thatās not what I meant.ā He turns in place to face you, and then his hands are hooked around the tops of your thighs. āJust surprised⦠thatās all.ā
The intensity of his gaze when he searches your face makes you warm and turn away, clearing your throat.
āIām trying to rebrand a little, I guess.ā
He blinks, chews on his lip a moment. Looks away from you.Ā
You can see that he wants to ask ā āneed me to rebrand, too?ā ā but he doesnāt. He doesnāt ask if you need him to change, because he already asked once and you already said no.
You wonder if heās worried youāll change your mind.Ā
You wonder if maybe he doesnāt want you to.
Instead, he just nods.
āProbably a good thing ā us seeing people.ā When you just blink in surprise, he shrugs, more to himself than to you. āIf people see us dating around, theyāll stop making assumptions.ā
Assumptions that youāre mine.
Your heart does a confusing little flip at the thought. You ignore it, chalk it up to the nerves that come with difficult conversations.Ā
āTurn around,ā you mumble weakly. āYour hairās gonna be different colors if you donāt let me finish.ā
The next hour of your life is completely silent, but so unbearably loud.
ā
The twins and Suna rush Lambda and instantly become boys that every girl wants.
Despite the shopping spree in your first year, you struggle to mature as quickly as they do ā talk of hookups and weekly flings become a regular occurrence, both with them and with the girls in your year. Youāre unable to contribute over the years, dating here and there but never managing to take the next step.
Despite everything, that age-old rumor youād been so desperate to be rid of ā the one that links you to Atsumu ā sticks to you like the summer heat of that moment in your dorm room.Ā
But thatās not what gets under your skin. Itās not that people associate you two in a way that makes it difficult for you to date. Itās that Atsumu is not held to the same assumption. Heās not held to the same curse, unfair and unjust.Ā
No⦠Miya Atsumu seems to have no problem finding girls to warm his bed, even if those girls still fix you with looks of jealousy. You wonder what the difference is ā why no guy is willing to toe the line of Atsumuās temper, while the line of yours is crossed with every pointed giggle and weighted shut of his bedroom door.
The only girl who seems to understand your near-constant state of confusion is Tanaka Saeko.
āThey just want to fuck him because he and his brother are hot,ā sheād said to you one day in first year, after finding a group of girls in the dorm lounge whispering about Atsumu. Sheād come out of nowhere, startling you while you were seething at the microwave. Sheād leaned against the fridge, staring sympathetically at you with her arms crossed. āBut to be so real with you, their friend is hotter. The one that looks like a fish.ā
Your irritation had been broken by that, a snort bursting out of you unexpectedly. āSuna? He doesnāt look like a fish-ā
āThen howād you know I meant him?ā Sheād raised her eyebrows at you at that, a grin stretching across her face. āBut anyway, it doesnāt matter. None of them are as hot as you ā trust me.ā
Youād found yourself instantly fond of her. āYeah? Then why doesnāt it feel that way?āĀ
āBecause guys are douchebags and really only care about other guys.ā Sheād hummed to herself, thinking for a moment. āMaybe theyāre all secretly gay⦠Thatās how I get about other girlsā¦ā
Your laugh had scared the group of girls in the corner, all of their phones open to Atsumuās Instagram page. Their glares told you that they could recognize you from the number of posts you occupy on their screens, but the mysterious blonde next to you just pointed at your chest and nodded at them.
āGreat tits, amirite?ā
You hadnāt laughed like that in a long, long time.
Tanaka Saeko had brought you out of your shell, pulled you out of the orbit that is Miya Atsumu. Sheād set you up with friends she thought were good enough, cancelled your Tinder dates when she wholeheartedly disapproved of them. Sheād cleansed your closet of anything she couldnāt style into what sheād called āfrat girl chicā, and had only done so after realizing just how often you find yourself at the Lambda house.
Sheād started finding herself there, too ā joining you in the group of exclusive few that were allowed upstairs, flirting harmlessly with Suna, dunking Atsumuās head in a bowl of jungle juice when he was voted President.
Having her around almost made it possible to forget about everything else over the next three years.
Almost.Ā
ā
The breakups always come in text messages. Theyāre never brave enough to do it in person, not when thereās a chance heāll be with you.
It happens again now, in the late afternoon of a typical Monday, just as youāre lifting a coffee cup to your lips and peering out the window to people-watch. The buzz from the table draws your attention. You glance down, and the eye roll that comes when you see the preview is involuntary.
āOf course,ā you mutter, letting the phone drop. Itās a shame, really. Youād actually liked this one. Heād been cute, and heād always treated you so sweetly.
Suna looks up from his laptop, gaze curious as he tries to read the text upside down. āBoyfriend?ā
āEx, now.ā You swipe the notification away and try to get back to your homework, but the stupid discussion board doesnāt hold your attention long enough to stop the annoyance from creeping in.Ā
āWhatād he do?ā
āNothing.ā Itās true. The sweet junior with the puppy-dog eyes hadnāt done anything wrong. Heād practically worshipped the ground you walk on. Heād been sweet and gentle, so much so that he hadnāt wanted to step on anyoneās toes.
Suna leans over and takes your phone, typing in your password and reading the message in full.
hey, i really like you⦠but i donāt think this is gonna work. i get the feeling there are some things we both need to figure out first.
The tattooed man scoffs, a hand going to his mouth to cover the laugh thatās slipping through. āSome things you need to figure out, huh?ā
āThatās what they all say,ā you grumble, typing away at the prompt your TA had posted last week. āMaybe they need to figure out how to assert themselves in a relationship.ā
āYou gotta admit,ā he breathes, locking your phone and setting it down between you. The lockscreen lights up, a photo of you from high school. Thereās someone else in the photo with you.
He gives you a pointed look, brows raised. āIt doesnāt look great from an outside perspective.ā
You turn the phone over so itās face-down. āIām not in the habit of feeding fragile male insecurity.ā
āMaybe not,ā he shrugs. āBut no guy ā even the right guy ā is gonna love that your lockscreen and all of the photos in your apartment have Miya in them.ā
āIām not looking for the right guy,ā you bite out, rolling your eyes. āIām looking for a guy thatāll stick around long enough to hook up with.ā
Your friend laughs, surprised. āOh, wow. Very direct.ā When you donāt answer, he blinks. āYouāre serious?ā
āUnfortunately,ā you sigh.
āAre you a virgin or just ovulating?ā
āYou wanna say it for the whole cafe to hear?ā
He purses his lips, looking around. āI dunno, the barista might be down. Iām increasing your chances here.ā He barely flinches when your sneaker makes contact with his shin.
āIām a twenty-two-year-old virgin, Rin.ā You shut your laptop with more force than necessary. āI graduate in three months. Iām not looking for a husband ā Iām looking to get laid.ā
He follows suit, his laptop closing gently. He leans back in his chair, sighing and examining you with the eye of someone whoās known you a very long time. āYou always seemed decently invested in the guys you date.ā
āMaybe the first few,ā you admit, shrugging. āBut they all had some weird hangup whenever it was time to take the next step. They skirt around the issue, but I swear they all think Miya has the final say in my sex life.ā The bell above the door rings, and your eyes fly to the couple that enters, the girl giggling and clinging to the manās arm. Your eyes roll against your will, and you gesture vaguely at them. āClearly, thatās not the case for him.ā
Suna turns to the door, watching as Atsumu orders coffee with his girl of the week. āOh. I see what you mean.ā He breathes a laugh of disbelief and cuts a glance at you. āI didnāt realize things were still bad-ā
āOh!ā The voice comes from the bar, and then thereās a blond standing over your table. āI didnāt know you twoād be here.ā
Suna opens his laptop, but you just smile politely up at the girl on Atsumuās arm. Sheās in your major, you think. No harm in being nice.
She doesnāt smile back.
Bitch.
āJust getting some work done,ā you mumble, starting to pack up. āBut Iām done, so Iām gonna head home.ā
āWant me to walk you?āĀ
You groan internally, already feeling the heat of the girlās glare.
āNo, thanks. Sunaās gonna walk me.ā
The man in question blinks up at you, green eyes confused. āI am?ā
āOh, are they dating?ā It comes from the girl whoās got her fresh manicure on Atsumuās bicep, her whisper directed to his ear but her voice purposely audible. He snorts in response, pointing between you and Suna.Ā
āThese two? No way in hell.ā
Thereās something about it that irks you, the way he dismisses the idea of you dating. You know rationally that itās truly absurd to think about you and Rintarou together ā especially because Atsumu thinks youāre still dating that junior ā but that flash of annoyance, often appearing when he does, strikes you.Ā
āWe could be, you never know,ā you say, smiling pettily. And then you turn to Suna, tossing your bag over your shoulder. āWanna hook up, Rinnie?ā
āLeave me out of it, please,ā he says right away, attention already back on his screen. Atsumu laughs good-naturedly, and you canāt help but be fond of it. Still, you play the game.
āHow ābout a date? Me, you, some Netflix? Maybe some chill?āĀ
Sunaās sharp eyes are playful and scolding at the same time ā telling you to let it go, because he knows what youāre doing. āYou couldnāt handle my chill, princess.ā
You roll your eyes and stand, getting in one more dig that makes his smile peek out. āWell, you know where to find me if you change your mind, player.ā
The moment ā joking, innocent ā is broken when you glance up at Atsumu.
His expression is unplaceable, eyebrows furrowed and eyes tracking your smile like its source means something to him.
You lift your eyebrows in surprise ā youāve never seen that look before ā but grin innocently at him and his companion. āIf youāll excuse me ā I gotta get ready for my hot date tonight.ā
āGot you on speed dial, baby,ā Suna mumbles. Atsumuās nostrils flare in response, and you say nothing to calm him down, only whispering ānice to meet youā to the girl youāll never see again.
ā
āDamn!ā Saeko yells, kicking at some gravel on the sidewalk. āItās always the sweet ones with the chocolatey eyes.ā
You laugh, wrapping your leather jacket tighter around yourself. āItās fine.ā Your breath comes out in little puffs. āHe was a good guy ā I guess he just couldnāt cut it.ā
āThey never can.ā It comes from Osamu, whoās sitting at the top of the Lambda house stairs, snuggled tight in his coat. āYou come with a lot of baggage.ā
You scoff and turn away from him, waiting until he finishes taking the cover charge from a group of freshman guys that walk up. One of them looks you over, eyes lingering on your thighs and chest appreciatively. You shift uncomfortably ā the freshmen this year are so bold.
āOi-ā Osamu says, snapping rudely at him and then holding his hand out expectantly. āEyes off, money out.ā
The guy blinks at him, confused, and then points at his friend at the front. āHe just paid it.ā
āYou get to pay extra,ā Osamu says, smiling sweetly. āFor not respecting women.ā He reaches behind him and pulls out a plastic jug labeled RESPECT WOMEN JAR.
You and Saeko both laugh, and you shake your head. āCut it out, Samu, itās fine.ā
Osamu just shakes the jug at the poor freshman. āTen in the jar, kid.ā
The boys all groan, and the target of Osamuās sharp edge ā the embarrassed one thatās pink around the ears ā scowls. āWhoās your President? Phi Delt doesnāt do shit like this.ā
Osamu laughs in his face, shaking the jar. The coins inside rattle louder than before. āI look like fuckinā Google to you?ā
Only when the ten dollar bill flutters into the jug does Osamu answer him.
āYou can take your grievances to my brother.ā
The boys are quiet as they trudge inside, finally realizing who theyāre dealing with.
You give Osamu a knowing look when theyāre gone. āRespect Women Jar?ā
He smiles innocently. āBettering fraternity culture or something.ā He points the jar at you before setting it down. āAnyway, what I said stands. You got too much baggage.āĀ
You roll your eyes. āGo ahead.ā
āYouāve been walkinā around with Tsumu glued to your back your whole life. No oneās gonna stick around for that shit, sorry.āĀ
āTsumuās off with little-miss-sorority-girl-of-the-night,ā you argue, gesturing in irritation at the door behind him. āAnd itās not like Iām looking for Prince fuckinā CharmingāāĀ
āShe kinda sounds like a little gangster when she gets like this, dontācha think?ā Osamu says, completely ignoring you.Ā
Saeko chortles. āShe sounds like your brother-ā
āAlright, fuck you guys,ā you snap, talking over Osamuās wholehearted laughter. Stomping up the stairs, you smack his hand away when he reaches for you in apology. āIām going to find someone to fuck.ā
āWell, aināt you demure,ā Osamu jokes.Ā
You let the door hit him in the back on your way in.
ā
Itās not working.
It never works, anyway, but for some reason, it stings particularly hard tonight.Ā
Even when you shed your leather jacket, revealing a tiny little halter top and far too much skin, no one will stay more than five minutes in your vicinity.Ā
Why? you wonder, watching yet another guy make yet another excuse.
āGotta find the bathroom, Iāll be back-ā
āI think my friend is calling-ā
āArenāt you Miyaās girl?ā
Thereās a part of you thatās starting to think Atsumuās doing it on purpose. Itās irrational, you know ā he wouldnāt. He hasnāt before, and he never would.Ā
He wouldnāt do that to you.
But every rejection comes with another shot thrown back carelessly, and youāre starting to feel paranoid. Youāre going insane.Ā
If itās not him ā if you canāt blame him ā then itās you.Ā
Youāre unwantable, then.Ā
Is that what it is? Maybe itās you-
āYouāre spiraling,ā a voice says behind you, close to your ear. A comforting hand on your waist, the other reaching to take the shot glass from you. āDonāt be the drunkest girl at the party. Itās a bad look.ā
Suna.
You turn, glaring up at him hazily. Heās not exactly sober himself, but he does look better off than you. āIs Tsumu goinā around tellinā people weāre together?ā
When he levels you with a knowing stare, you retrieve the shot from his hand and knock it back.
āSo,ā you say, wincing after the swallow. āIf itās not him, then itās me.ā
āYou know itās not that,ā your friend whispers, tattooed fingers plucking the empty glass from your grip and depositing it on the bar. āItās not him or you.ā
āWhy wonāt anyone go home with me?ā you whine carelessly. āWhatādo I gotta do? Iām already throwing myself at any guy thatāll give me the time of day.ā
You can hear it ā how desperate you sound. How pathetic you feel.
Why does this matter so much? Why do you care so much about whether or not youāre wanted for your body?Ā
You have so much more than this to offer the world.Ā
Youāre smart, youāre sensible. You do well in school and already have a job lined up for after graduation. You have good friends ā really good friends. You donāt have terrible taste in men ā your exes always respected you and supported you. You have a good life and donāt cause trouble. Donāt find trouble.
Why does this feel so important?
Why does it feel like youāre getting left behind?
āStop it,ā Suna says quietly, somehow audible over the deep bass that shakes the room and the screaming and yelling of all the partygoers in his house. āItās not gonna happen tonight. Youāre too drunk.ā
āI can do whatever I want, with whoever I want,ā you bite. It loses its edge when your words slur together.
He leans down, looking you in the eye. āYou want your first time to be some drunken, messy, fucked up five minutes that you wonāt remember in the morning?ā
āI donāt care!ā Your eyes are starting to burn. āI just want it to be over ā Iām tired of having this over my head!ā
āYouāre the one putting it over your head,ā he reasons. āJust let it happen when it happens.ā
You sniff, scrubbing at your face sloppily. āIām gonna die a virgin at this rate-ā
āWhatās going on?ā Another voice in your ear, much louder and much more familiar.
You glare up at its source.
Atsumuās face is pink with intoxication, but his eyes are clear and concerned as he stares down at you. āYou cryinā?ā
āNo,ā you say, the edge in your voice sharp. āBut I am going home.ā
āWhat happened?ā Atsumuās got a hand on your elbow, tugging you close to him.
You snatch your arm away. āDonāt you have some sorority girl to take to bed?ā
He blinks, taken aback. Suna just sighs, squeezing your shoulder.
āYou know heās not doing this.ā
You smack him away, too. āDoesnāt matter,ā you slur, swaying slightly. āām goinā home.ā
āWhatās happening-ā Atsumu says, looking between you and Suna, but the other man just shakes his head and stops you from pushing past him.
āYou canāt,ā he says. āHeās just gonna follow me around and pout all night if you leave like this.ā
Atsumuās already pouting, looking more and more upset the more you try to walk away from him.
You canāt leave like this.
You canāt leave him feeling this way, no matter how you might be feeling yourself.
āUgh,ā you groan, pushing past them both in the direction of the stairs to the second floor. Sunaās close behind, and you can hear Atsumu stumbling through the crowd, trying to keep up.
The freshman brother guarding the staircase rises when he sees you, letting you pass without even a hint of resistance. You just stomp past him, thanking him grumpily, and shoulder your way into Atsumuās bedroom.
You pace the floor while you wait, pressing your hands to your eyes and trying to clear your head of the alcohol. Suna flops down onto the bed with a groan, yawning loudly.Ā
āGo easy on him,ā he says lazily. āHe doesnāt know.ā
āWhatever,ā you mumble, wiping at your face. Your eyes are burning again, and you can feel the knot in your throat.
Atsumu crashes into the room a second later, shutting the door and locking it.
āWhatās happening?ā he asks, looking between you. āWhy dāyou look so damn mad? Whatād I do?ā
You point a finger at him, watching it shake. āIām going to ask you this exactly onceāā
You ignore him. āAre you telling people Iām off limits?ā
Atsumu blinks, processing. āNoā¦?ā
You grit your teeth. āMiya, I swear to godāā
āIām not!ā he argues, throwing his hands up defensively. āI havenāt said shit! Why?!ā
You sigh, dropping your hand. You know ā you know that it was never him ā but hearing him say it is both a relief and a frustration.
āNothing,ā you say, your temper waning. You feel tired. Tired and sad and unsure what to do. āItās nothing.ā
Atsumu steps toward you. āItās not nothinā.ā
Thereās a silence ā that cursed, heavy silence that sits between you, time and time again.
Suna breaks it.
āSheās upset that sheās still a virgin,ā he says easily, as though listing off the weather forecast. āAnd itās definitely your fault, even though you havenāt done anything.ā
You can only turn to stare down at him, mind emptying of everything all at once.
āWhat-ā you whisper, just blinking lamely at him. ā-the fuck, Rin.ā
He just yawns again, lazy as ever. āJust clearinā the air.ā
Atsumu stares down at you, eyes wide. āYouāre a virgin?ā
You want to crawl into a hole and die.Ā
āāKay. Now Iām leaving,ā you say, turning on your heel toward the door. Atsumu grabs you again, harder this time in case you try to escape.
āWhatās the problem with that?ā he asks, shaking his head. āSo what? Who cares?ā
āYou cared a second ago,ā you point out.
He flushes. āI was surprised, thatās all. I didnāt thinkā¦ā When you raise your brows, he clears his throat. āIt doesnāt matter, anyway.ā
āIt matters to me,ā you say, your voice coming out in a whine. You can already feel yourself pouting just a bit, that petulant side of you emerging ā the way it always does with him. āIt matters to me that no one else is. That no matter how hard I try, no one wants me enough to go through with it.ā
He frowns, growing upset as he realizes how youāve been seeing yourself this whole time. āButā itāll happen eventuallyā¦ā He turns to Suna, thinking. āAnd why is this my fault?ā
Suna stares up at Atsumu, deadpan. āIsnāt it always your fault?ā
You watch in real time as Atsumu puts the pieces together.
He really had nothing to do with this.
He looks too upset to have had anything to do with this.
Your arm slips from his hand while he processes. He looks down at you, swallowing. āStill? This whole time?ā
You just shrug, feeling a strange sense of shame seep into your skin. āI tried dating around,ā you mumble, hugging yourself. āGuess some assumptions donāt go away.ā
Whatever pain you feel about it is reflected in Atsumuās expression. āThatās not fair. Weāve never been more to each other than this.ā
āI know,ā you whisper. āBut it doesnāt seem to matter what we are or arenāt.ā
He looks torn ā he recognizes that he hasnāt been held to the same standard. That this has only ever impacted you.
āIs there anything I can do?ā he whispers, almost begging for you to let him fix this.
You just laugh, shaking your head. Wishing youād never started this conversation, because you hate seeing him like this.
āWhat can you do to help, Tsumu?ā You try to ease the way heās feeling. āYou gonna sleep with me yourself?ā you joke, laughing. āIāll be fine. Promise.ā
The silence that comes doesnāt feel like all the silences before this.
You stare up at him, wondering why heās dissociating, looking right through you. Suna doesnāt look much different, as though heās realized whatever it is that youāre still missing.
āI mean,ā Atsumu starts, swallowing hard. Still not looking at you. āI couldā¦?ā
You donāt process what heās saying. āWhat?ā
He flicks his gaze to Suna, who looks like heās starting to agree. āI could⦠sleep⦠with youā¦?ā
You just blink. It finally clicks.
āFuck you,ā is all you say.
Atsumu scrambles to stop you from walking out. āIām serious!ā
āYeah, me too,ā you say, leaning up into his face. āIām not some fucking charity case. Fuck you.ā
āY/n, please,ā he says, holding your arms tight. āIt makes sense-ā
āIt makes no fucking sense at all!ā you yell, tearing out of his grip. āIām trying to get away from this whole impression that weāre together! And I want someone to want to sleep with me ā I donāt need a pity fuck!ā
Atsumu approaches, hands out to try to calm you. āYou want to get laid. Iām the thing keeping you from that, right? Friends sleep together all the timeāā
āYeah, and that never works,ā you argue, seething.
He just points at Suna. āIt works for him and Saeko!ā
Sunaās mouth drops open. āDude, what the fuck?āĀ
You feel like you donāt have it in you to process more news tonight. āYou-ā You point stupidly at Suna. ā-and Saeko are fuck buddies?ā
Suna smiles sheepishly up at you. āI prefer the term āfriends-with-benefitsā...ā And then he glares at Atsumu. āThanks for outing us, you stupid fuck.ā
You throw your hands up. āYou outed me, you stupid fuck!ā
He just smiles. āAnd now weāre seeing progress!ā
āWhat progress?ā you laugh, pointing at Atsumu. āAll he did was come up with a stupid idea!ā
Suna nods, looking sympathetically at Atsumu. āIt is a stupid idea.ā
Atsumu scoffs, affronted, and points back at you. āIām offering her a solution!ā
Suna nods, looking sympathetically at you. āIt is a solution.ā
Both of you glare down at him. āFuck off,ā you say.
āPlease fuck off,ā Atsumu repeats.
Suna just shrugs, standing and stretching like a cat. āWell, now that Iāve been outed, Iām off to find Saeko.ā
Things spoken and unspoken sit between you and Atsumu after Suna is gone.
You try to leave before Atsumu can speak anything else into existence.
His fingers wrap around your bicep with ease. āY/n, please.ā
You stare up at him, incredulous. āTsumu, this is a terrible idea. You canāt be serious.ā
āThereās nothing else I can do,ā he pleads. āI canāt say anythinā to anyone, because that makes it worse. And not doinā anythinā is how we ended up here ā youāre still upset, youāre still left hanging, youāre still frustrated.ā He looks nervous ā nervous and drunk, his voice dropping to a whisper, like this is something heād never say sober. āI can do something about that. You know I can.ā
You swallow, shoving down all the feelings that conflict with one another, and get in his face. āIām better than a pity fuck, Atsumu,ā you whisper back. āI might be desperate and frustrated and angry, but Iām still me.ā
He just looks at you hollowly. āI never offered you a pity fuck.ā
Your lips part in a quiet gasp. Your ears fill with the painful thudding of your heart.
āWhat?āĀ
You can barely hear yourself over the rush of your heartbeat.
Atsumu looks to be in a similar situation. His chest rising and falling rapidly, his eyelashes fluttering.
āJust consider it,ā he whispers. āPlease.ā
His grip on your arm loosens, and youāre gone from the room before you can even realize youād pulled away from him.
Hi š, My name is Mohammad, and Iām reaching out in a moment of desperate need. Iām a father of three young children living in Gaza, and we are caught in the midst of a catastrophic war. Our home is no longer a safe haven, and the future here seems increasingly uncertain. š
Iāve launched a fundraising campaign with the goal of raising $40,000 to relocate my family to a safer place where my children can grow up in peace and have a chance at a brighter future.
Unfortunately, my previous fundraising efforts were abruptly halted when my account was terminated without explanation. However, I remain determined to keep fighting for my familyās safety and well-being. š«¶
If you could take a moment to read our story, consider donating, or simply share our campaign with others, it would make an incredible difference. Every act of kindness, no matter how small, brings us one step closer to safety and a new beginning. š
My family and I are facing incredibly difficult times due to the ongoing war in Gaza š. Our dreams and future have been shattered, leaving us feeling lost and without purpose. My brother Ahmad and I have launched a GoFundMe campaign to help us escape Gaza, continue our education, and support our family.
Making a small donation or sharing the campaign ā would mean the world to us.
Link: https://gofund.me/ace8d602
Thank you so much for your kindness and support š
My family and I are facing incredibly difficult times due to the ongoing war in Gaza š. Our dreams and future have been shattered, leaving us feeling lost and without purpose. My brother Ahmad and I have launched a GoFundMe campaign to help us escape Gaza, continue our education, and support our family.
Making a small donation or sharing the campaign ā would mean the world to us.
Link: https://gofund.me/ace8d602
Thank you so much for your kindness and support š
Hello sorry for an ask. I am very sick, my asthma is at its maximum level, my nose freezes, I have no medicine or food. I am in bad shape financially, I am a black disabled, who uses multiple medications, I pay for my food and lodging
Unfortunately I do not have all the resources to keep me safe, that is why I need your help, whatever you can contribute to me will be of great help.
I am Fatima, live in northern Gaza with five children. We live under the shadow of war, moving between shelters in search of safety from the destructive shells and explosions . My children feel scared, and I do my best to be their strong support . I dream of a day when peace arrives, where my children live safely and securely away from danger š„.
I need your support to protect my family and provide a safe shelter for them
I am writing to you with a heavy heart and an urgent request for help. My family and I are in a very dangerous situation due to the ongoing war, and I have launched a gofoundme campaign to save them.
I want you to donate and share my campaign from my profile, this will help me and my family š
$1 makes the difference in saving the life of me and my familyš
i genuinely hate how people have to sit and write a post that stands out while boosting a fundraiser because most people won't bat an eye at the misery and inhumane conditions Palestinians are living in.
i see people making art and telling others to use it because fundraisers with art are generally reblogged more often. i see people using colored text in order to make the post more eye catching.
palestinians on instagram are using popular audios and stitch trending reels at the beginning to make the world pay attention to them. imagine having to make something look entertaining in order to survive.
they are living under constant threat of israeli airstrikes, bombing, scarcity of food and disease. many have lost a lot in the past few months.
palestinians on tumblr are posting their pictures and the horrible conditions in which they are living. they travel long distances for internet connection only to be called a scammer by some privileged ass who cannot locate gaza on a map.
here are some verified gfms. please share the linked posts. it's the bare minimum we can do from the comforts of our home.
I am Mahmoud Helles, the owner of the donation campaign.The campaign aims to expel my family from Gaza and expel my wife to Egypt due to her serious condition with a kidney injury.Please enter my page and then share .https://gofund .me/53fa2830š¹šµšøšµšøšµšøš¹š
I'm Mary from Gaza. Am sorry for sending you this request without your permission. My house was destroyed in the war, and my family lost everything. We've been displaced multiple times, but there's no safe place here. I'm battling Type 1 Diabetes and can't afford insulin, and my mother needs treatment for kidney failure outside Gaza. Any donation, no matter how small, can help us survive and get my mother the care she needs. A friend outside Gaza is helping with the donation program. Please reach out if you need more details.
Hello my name is Mohamad smeer Iām 19 medical student palestinin from Gaza Now I study medicine in Egypt and my family in north of gaza I need some money from living and for university So I did this compgin plz if u can help me every dollar make difference for me