“Don’t call me “bro” in an accusatory tone!”
“And the first thing that they texted me was, ‘I think a fun line to say at a gay bar is hey, who’s dick do I gotta’ suck to suck a dick around here?‘”
“First of all, no one says ‘pot-eyes’ you fuckin’ narc.”
“You’re a cocksucker. I fucking said it. I don’t care if you’re richer than me.”
“Don’t fuckin’ cock-tease me, broseph.”
“My friends! I love killing my friends.”
“No, that sounds amazing, fuck you.”
“He died as he lived: eating chicken McNuggets”
“I’m gonna make your dick explode into a million tiny dicks.”
“Well thank you so much, that’s so nice of you to say, but I don’t believe you and you’re a liar.”
“If it is, I’m gonna heap a lot of praise on you and if it’s not, I’m gonna scissor-kick you in the jackson.”
“Yeah I’d beat the shit out of Hitler, what about it?”
“I could tell by his briefly angry eyebrows that he’s someone we should be stabbing.”
“I’m on a date with a girl right now, and you’re embarrassing me!”
“Caught a big ol’ case of the fuck you’s.”
“If you can’t beat em, Shoot ‘em with a gun!”
“Don’t fucking judge me, I can make my own sandwich.”
“Do it, you sorry sack of shit… I’m sorry that didn’t come out as encouraging as I meant it to.”
“I slept with her accidentally- not on camera, twice.”
“If you ever run into me in the wild, we’ll hug it out.”
“I’m sorry, your son is an anthropomorphic cheese melt.”
“Your mouth is saying those words but your eyes say bullshit.”
“Wait, but, also shut up.”
“UM. EXCUSE ME. Those arms look like hugging machines!”
“Hopefully these paper-thin bushes will protect me from cop bullets.”
“Don’t give me your fucking alliteration.”
“And I know I love it because I do it. Wait.”
“These weird looking fish have been showing up lately were about to eat me.”
“At age 6, I was born without a face.”
“Well, little Timmy. Grab yourself a seat and shut the fuck up.”
“First of all, I think he’s got a very nice ass.”
“I was this close to lining up my knuckles and punching you square in the groont.”
“Oh, you’re talking about your penis.”
“Step on him. Step on him and crush him. Mail the remains to his family.”
“It’s probably the wrong one but bear with me, I’m an idiot.”
“I’m glad we came to that conclusion. Separately. From each other.”
“There’s an age difference between us so we never got to be in 8th grade together but I feel this is what it would’ve been like.”
“I have a specific set of skills… and they all involve masturbating.”
“Next time we make love, can you refer to me as “Your sweet cake-y treasure”?”
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stormborns
