SatisfiedDread

He pronouns, Mixed (Ojibwe/Métis/Not sure what else) with white passing privilege, Central Canada, Queer...buncha other stuff too. :P

[sicksadworldie]

Sometimes I feel super frustrated and even angry with myself.

The summer break is almost over and I have barely done any writing. It was a goal of mine to write something over the break, like a script for a short film or play even. I’ve compiled bits I’ve written out, but they each are only like a paragraph or something at most.

One big thing I’ve been wanting to do would revolve around my experiences of being trans, but that’s so broad. What about it? I have such a hard time narrowing myself down, or even starting. I think I get overwhelmed before I’ve even begun. 

Oh, and the fact that I’ve not been very open about being trans to people in my day to day life. For the past…7-8 years I’ve kept it to myself with only a few select new people I’ve shared that with. But if I made a short film around it? I would be outing myself. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I’m just afraid I think. Even though I know the people that matter to me would be accepting. Part of the intrigue to outing myself is finding out if people really knew or not. I figure being queer is obvious, but maybe only to other people that are receptive to it? I still get some people making assumptions that I’m heterosexual…which I don’t understand.

Maybe I would be less afraid if I didn’t have the connections to make and put something out there onto a bigger platform? I know some people in local indie film and have connections that would help me get into programs/funding for projects…but it’s terrifying to put yourself out there when for the longest time you’ve hidden yourself away.

Ugh, I don’t know.

[sicksadworldie]

Guess who did the same thing this summer? This guy!

No writing done up, but I swear I have a good excuse this year haha. Okay that’s a bit of a lie, I could’ve done *something* but I was pooped. The same week of my final exam before summer I started my job on another TV production, this one being an Amazon/Universal one :o! So that took up 50 hours a week for me which was tiring. My whole summer went by in a blur as a lot of my awake time was in an office and then when I had some free time I was trying to soak that up as much as I could.

My last day was this past Friday, so I’ve been being pretty lazy this week as school starts up next week. More experiences are coming my way as well, more Women’s and Gender Studies classes...I also had a prof ask me before summer if I was maybe interested in a research assistant position and I said yeah! And it’s to do with something queer so that’ll be pretty cool too.

All in all, good things are happening...but I am also afraid at the same time. I’m not sure I’ll get that to go away, I guess we will just have to see what happens.

[sicksadworldie]

Sometimes I feel super frustrated and even angry with myself.

The summer break is almost over and I have barely done any writing. It was a goal of mine to write something over the break, like a script for a short film or play even. I’ve compiled bits I’ve written out, but they each are only like a paragraph or something at most.

One big thing I’ve been wanting to do would revolve around my experiences of being trans, but that’s so broad. What about it? I have such a hard time narrowing myself down, or even starting. I think I get overwhelmed before I’ve even begun. 

Oh, and the fact that I’ve not been very open about being trans to people in my day to day life. For the past...7-8 years I’ve kept it to myself with only a few select new people I’ve shared that with. But if I made a short film around it? I would be outing myself. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I’m just afraid I think. Even though I know the people that matter to me would be accepting. Part of the intrigue to outing myself is finding out if people really knew or not. I figure being queer is obvious, but maybe only to other people that are receptive to it? I still get some people making assumptions that I’m heterosexual...which I don’t understand.

Maybe I would be less afraid if I didn’t have the connections to make and put something out there onto a bigger platform? I know some people in local indie film and have connections that would help me get into programs/funding for projects...but it’s terrifying to put yourself out there when for the longest time you’ve hidden yourself away.

Ugh, I don’t know.

[sicksadworldie]

Last Week

I went into a local cannabis clinic in hopes of getting authorized to order medicinal cannabis.

This week, eagerly waiting for my first package to arrive!

[sicksadworldie]

Had my first package arrive yesterday! Got 5g of white widow, 5g of lemon sour diesel and 5g of warlock cbd. So far have tried the white widow and warlock. I'm liking the thc and cbd split :D

I may start up a blog with a friend and talk about my experiences with more so the medical side of it, but we do have legalization coming up so from then maybe talk about more of that too. I want to review stuff, but I'm not very good at being all...pro at describing the strains. It'd be more pictures I think, I find seeing product pictures helpful on if I want to buy something. Anywho!

[sicksadworldie]

Last Week

I went into a local cannabis clinic in hopes of getting authorized to order medicinal cannabis.

This week, eagerly waiting for my first package to arrive!

[sicksadworldie]

So week 1 has been completed. I think I'm adjusting to the 7 am wake up and getting to bed early. We've had workshops on working on a story, pitching our ideas and scriptwriting. We have the weekend to do our scripts up and then we have a writer read over them and give us some more pointers and such. We are also pitching our short film ideas to a panel next thursday, which I'm fairly nervous about doing. But it's alright. I can do this. Lol gotta convince myself.

[sicksadworldie]

So I have some decently large news I been sitting on for almost 2 weeks and kinda sucks I can't be specific and tell people stuff. But I'm being vague on here which is fine :p I may update with more details later but nothing specific, not too into the idea of someone being able to find my tumblr. That's one reason I haven't posted sets to our productions, I'd include crediting and someone may look it up...I'm sure ya get it. I also bought a used camera, not a removable lense but its pretty cool. A model from 2010 but I dont have the money to just spend on new high end stuff. This is just for funsies right now. I'll probably post some stuff here too. I think that's most of what I been up to.

[sicksadworldie]

Was at a bus stop where there are frequently first nations people hanging out in and some white guy comes up to me. Him: they should get security out here to kick those indians out, probably something something whiskey something something (ain't got the best memory) Me: ya know..I'm mixed Him: huh (or something) Me: I'm indian. I think he kept saying something and I just said I don't care what your racist ass says or something like that. He then went away muttering something and I heard "...don't look indian" Surprisingly I had no anxiety about it and I'm usually wired full of it. But I feel a big want to wear a visual cue then, I've had white people do it before that they think they can just say shit because I look like wonderbread.

[sicksadworldie]

I’m all calm on the outside, but the inside is screaming.

I have a Business Application Systems test I feel ill prepared for in about 1.25 hours and I’m on tumblr...

Also first day of Cue to Cue for our university production of Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead later tonight. I’m props coordinator for this show. Pretty much everything is ready to go though, so not too concerned. :)

I’ll take a picture of my prop tables later and share em!

[sicksadworldie]

First day of classes

Only one class today and thursday, then next week my computer science class starts. Why do a lot of my computer classes have to be 3 hour blocks after 6 pm @.@ (Okay it’s probably cuz the teacher is contracted and works during the day...but still!)

Ugh, and gotta email my band about school funding. Since I never heard back from the last email sent to me saying “I will let you know as soon as i hear something Chris”. That’s literally it, copy and pasted. But yeah, need something from them saying I’m being funded/not being funded for student aid to release my funding for winter term.

[sicksadworldie]

Grrr I hate playing stupid phone tag with social services workers. Last month I got a call from a guy taking over my file from the last worker who I hadn't heard back from in a while so kinda thought that was done. So I was late in trying to call back, anxiety and all. Tried twice with no answer and didnt want to play phone tag and didn't leave messages. Well I knew his name and they all have standard their name @ gov. Yadda yadda. Sent an email. No reply. And so tuesday he came by while I was at work and left a card in my door. I called yesterday saying I work 10:30 to 4:30, that I'd tried to email a while back and I'm free all friday to call him back. He fucking called this morning at 7:57 am. Thankfully didn't wake me up but still. I get up at 9, have an hour to eat and do other stuff which I'm not really just sitting around (well...in the bathroom, which is what I'm doing now lmao). Then I leave at 10 am, walk 20 mins to work and usually only have a few mins to sit before going to my floor. Right, listened to his message. Basically it was "well you work 10:30 to 4:30, call me before work". Ugh what an ass. And I'll be annoyed again if I try to call and get his answering machine...hence the reason I like emails.

[sicksadworldie]

Just babbling about my weight and stuff

I think I’ve finally started to at least mentally make a change. I’m slowly working on my eating and stuff. I want to weigh less. I should be eating better. My weight definitely works against me when trying to be active...I haven’t had much trouble in keeping up with say the practical stuff in my past theatre class which included being on my feet all day, rushing back and forth, being up on ladders, carrying 10-15 lbs lights, moving large scenery around. I was sweating haha. Super sore the next day.

I’m doing okay though, do need to make a proper meal guide for myself to even estimate my calorie intake. I have a blender now to make smoothies which has been pretty awesome. Even have a small kitchen scale. I think my first prep will be cooking up a bunch of chicken to portion out to mix into salads or sandwiches.

I weighed myself a few days to a week ago and was 276.6 lbs. To even be 230 lbs again would be great. That will probably be my first target. I just weighed myself and I’m 273.6. As long as I stay relatively active (which I’m a bit more active now that I’m back at my old job for the summer) and in a deficient of my daily calorie thing...I’m good. And I think even during the summer I still have free access to the university gym...I should start going regularly. But one step at a time (or a couple).

I can do this.

[sensitivesuggestion]

tips to help end a self-destructive cycle

identify the destructive patterns and realize that something needs to change

understand why you engage in these cycles and search for the root of the problem 

be aware of your triggers

recognize the consequences you’re experiencing now because of these behaviors and the consequences that you’ll experience in the future if you continue them

set small, achievable goals and reward yourself when you reach them

allow yourself an excess of time. there’s no rush and there’s no reason to pressure yourself unnecessarily 

keep a journal to log your progress, goals, triggers, healthy coping skills, etc.

believe that you can break free from the cycle

challenge negative self-talk and harmful thought patterns

acknowledge and celebrate a success, no matter how small it feels

practice makes progress 

make a list of healthy coping skills and keep the list close at all times to use when you’re triggered

form new habits and get involved in new activities or hobbies to replace the destructive behaviors

engage in self-care

*therapy is extremely useful in overcoming self-destructive cycles and is highly recommended

[sicksadworldie]

I have a couple of hours to finish up an assignment due today @.@ Thankfully it’s just my last one for Intro to Information Systems...but they’re boring to me. Like this one I have to do a recommendation report on what computer out of 2 choices (given spec sheet) my made up business should purchase. The instructor never went over what a report even looks like so I know I’m just gonna write whatever. Don’t really care now haha. Then the second portion was some questions on 7-Eleven Japan’s implementation of information systems in the 90′s. Okay so it can be kinda an interesting class, but I don’t like the assignments :P I like the more practical stuff. Anywho off to do that.

[sicksadworldie]

I’ve been doing pretty good with Uni

And it’s kinda weird. I’m sticking on top of things, always worried I’m going to forget something but I have the My Study Life app and calendars at my desk. Got my midterms back, 36/37 on my database midterm (it’s been fairly easy for me so far) and 42/50 on my intro to information systems course. That one is the kinda boring one, lots of information and it’s a once a week 3 hour long class starting at 6 pm...so I’m sure many students have already checked out.

But yeah, my past attempts at post secondary didn’t end well so I think that’s why it’s weird. Or I’m just habitually used to expecting something to go wrong? I do that with other things in my life too.

Right after high school I went to the Uni I am at currently, back in 2008. Whew, while ago. Relationship drama (breaking up with a controlling girlfriend, whole other story) kinda made the ending of my first year rocky. I was having difficulties and ended up with two F’s. One in a class I thought I did the exam for but guess not? Too late to do something about it now haha, and didn’t care then.

Felt that maybe the structure of Uni wasn’t for me. Got into an Electrical Engineering Tech program at a college here and was doing mostly okay up until december. Ended up having to have my gallbladder removed, so I got a voluntary withdrawal from the program and had surgery a month or so later.

Other than a few months spent trying to get a physics high school credit (was considering mechanical engineering), that was the last time I was in school, in 2009.

I still feel a bit unsure about what I’m doing...but this combination might be my best fit? My plan is to get a Bach of Science in Computer Science - Information Systems Stream (basically learning more of using systems than learning how to build systems, no need for the discrete math or stats credits) and a minor in Theatre, which I would take production classes, no acting for me :P

[zombi2]

[nativenews]

Helena Hospital Opens Smudging Room For Native Americans

[IMAGE: Louise Ogemahgeshig Fischer in the smudging room with an eagle feather.]

In September, Saint Peter’s Hospital in Helena, Montana dedicated a new room where Native Americans can carry out a traditional healing practices.

A drum circle just outside Saint Peter’s main entrance heralded the opening of the hospital’s new ‘Culture Room’, a former office just off the hospital’s main chapel, which can be used for smudging.

Little Shell Tribal member Daniel Pocha said getting hospitals to allow smudging has always been hit and miss.

“The individual you ask might say yes, the next one might say, go out in the cold. So it is really great that this has come to fruition.”

Great, not only because the culture room is convenient, but also because it acknowledges the needs of patients who follow Native religious traditions.

The room is decorated with pleasant picturesque murals depicting calm scenes of a waterfall, and a bald eagle carrying sage and sweetgrass.

Any patient can ask to use the culture room, for healing ceremonies, meeting with hospital staff, or quiet reflection.

[sicksadworldie]

Hopefully they include mental health patients in this. My mom works at a big hospital here and just recently she had something come up where a patient in the psych ward was having a rough time and wanted to smudge but they wouldn’t let her. I assume it’s because they don’t have the proper policies in place for mental health patients but I’m not too sure. Oh and patients not in the psych ward have the smudging room available to them…I should ask what happened about that situation since the weekend it happened my mom couldn’t get a hold of her boss and couldn’t do anything till the week. Might update this when I do.

[gaywrites]

Take five minutes out of your day today to explore the hashtag #TransHealthFail. Launched by the up-and-coming app MyTransHealth, it’s a collection of stories from trans and nonbinary people about the discrimination, harassment, rejection and downright humiliation they’ve faced at the hands of insensitive or ignorant healthcare providers. This is critically important – take it from the people who’ve lived it. (via BuzzFeed)

[sicksadworldie]

I remember when I was getting the OK to go a head with one of my surgeries, I had been seeing a psychologist for a while but they needed a psychiatrist to sign off on it, so she had a colleague come in too. They were both surprised you can be trans AND gay.