You're eating me alive.

I used to just post rants here, but then by body image issues took over. just like they take over everything else.

[sidewaez]

I am fat. and im trying. 

it has reached that time again. where i finally exercise. 

ive been running 2 miles a day, which isnt bad for my first week back in the habit, but i know, that if i want to lose weight, i have to eat less. and im doing a really bad job with that. i have been working out, and my muscles are sore, but i wont shed a single pound by running, not one. i have to eat less and i just cant seem to contain myself. my self control is awful. ive been trying to think of motivating things, like mfp, and starting another blog, and making calendars, but when it comes down to it, none of that matters, all that matters is that i eat less. i need to eat 800 or less to lose weight. and i have to work out. i was feeling pretty average the other day, but then i tried on some shorts i havent worn since last summer....and they were my loose shorts, and they were so tight. and iwas like, wow. wow i am huge and i dont even see it. its awful. i have got to stop eating. i need some serious control right now. i need a detox day where i fast and just drink water to clear my head and whip my ass into shape. i need to be punished, i need to see how badly im doing and stop talking about it and fix it. its horrible. why cant i do it? why can jeannie whos like 170 eat 500 calories a day and icant? why do i always fail and end up eating like 1500 in a day when im supposed to be eating half that? and i dont even enjoy it. i dont even like the food, but i have to eat it. its like im a smoker and ijust cant quit. i just cant stop eating. i dont know what to do. ill sit down to write a blog about eating and ill be eating while doing it. i dont get how something so simple is so hard. want to lose weight? eat less. is it really that fucking hard? UGHHGHHHHH

[sidewaez]

I haven't written anything anywhere in ages. It's weird my writing habits have just completely diminished. I feel like I should start a blog elsewhere to write tidbits about my life, just boring stuff, it doesn't seem like I have anything insightful to say these days, but perhaps I'm wrong. I haven't been able to stick to any sort of diet or exercise regime lately, I've been so busy I don't have the time or patience to deal with it. I'm pretty heavy right now, don't feel good often, and lots of my clothes don't fit, but for some reason I can't even get past day of of dieting, once it gets to be 9pm I ruin it every time. I really need to lose the weight, but what's new. That's been statement of the year for a decade. 

[sidewaez]

ok thats enough. ive been sick all week from eating poorly. ive been bloated lik crazy, i weigh like 135. its bad. my face has gotten fat, my arms are huge. i cant fit into any of my jeans so ive been buying stretchier ones. i need to eat healthy and exercise. ive been eating so much. like 2000 a day maybe even more some days. i just cant stop eating. its gross. terribly. 

this week i need to get back on track. only healthy. one week. thats all i ask. just one week. no 10 week plan, no weight goal. just one week. healthy, clean and no cheats. then see how i feel. see if i can run a few times as well. 

plan. breakfast, 2 eggs or omelete or clif bar, or banana and pb

lunch, soup/veggies, or chicken/ veggies, potato/ veggies

dinner, soup/veggies, chicken/veggies, veggies only

so rules, no fruit (sugars) except bananas, no bread or pasta only potatoes as starch and lentils. vegetables main, full power is eggs, chicken, lentils, clif bars, pb. 

[sidewaez]

I used to have an eating disorder. i guess you could say i still do. i often talk about how i have health  problems but its just that. it makes a lot of things im weird about make sense when you know. its why you cant look at my notebooks, its why i dont wear swimsuits, its why i keep food in my backpack, and tons of pills, its why i always have random words written on my hands, its why i have stomach aches, its why i stay home a lot when people invite me to do things, its why i have social anxiety, its why i cant take compliments, and dress like a guy sometimes. its why i hate myself. its not so bad anymore, but it still inhibits me on a daily basis. when im acting weird, chances are 9 out of 10 it has something to do with body image issues or eating problems and that is why i cant talk about it or why i act weird. it affects a lot of things youd never guess. its not a joke or an excuse even though i act like it isnt a big deal, or you may think its not a problem because you see me eat normally, and i dont look too skinny. but its a real problem and im not even close to being over it and it unfortunately plays a really big role in my life still and probably always will. its a disorder mentally and physically that i cant just get over. its similar to ocd and it tears apart my mind every single day. some days are worse than others. some days i dont eat and im happy as ever, some days i eat too much and i cry on my bathroom floor because im in so much pain. sometimes i cant leave the house because im so fat. i know that its dumb, or that i usually look the same. but its not how it feels to me. it makes me nervous to write this because it probably sounds dumb, or dramatic. but i dont know how to explain it in person. it just sounds petty and ridiculous. but it sucks. 　

[sidewaez]

for 2 days this week, i felt body peace. at least a twinge of it. and i am fat. i am fat right now, and for a few brief moments i accepted it. i accepted not being thin. i accepted being an "average woman". i have never felt any sort of peace like that since i was 12 years old. i thought maybe it was the beginning. i vowed to stop counting. stop timing. stop adding and subrtacting, stop limiting myself and just live a normal life. i vowed to eat what i felt like when i was hungry. run when i had the energy and stop when i was tired. i vowed to stop weighing myself and be healthy based on how i felt in my own body. 

it didnt last. today i couldnt leave the house. i want to die. i no one can see me. i cant even look at myself. i weighed 132 on MY scale. that means for real on most other scales i weigh almost 140 pounds. that is the most i have EVER weighed in my ENTIRE life. it makes me want to hide away and sleep forever. it makes me not want to live honestly. 

the only time i can really recall actually being proud of myself, and feeling good, was when i was eating. i felt so empowered and strong and beautiful, it was a control of the highest stature. it was something very few people could do. and here i am. a fat lump of failure, ugly and gross. all i want to do is run and run and run and just drink water to flush out all the food ive eaten, the gross toxic food that is making my sluggish and feel horrible, and using my money. i want to never eat again, but instead im just so exhausted from the feelings that all i end up doing is eating. and eating and eating. and then i cry about it. my stomach hurts, i want to throw it up but i cant. so there is no way to get rid of it. 

i promist myself that every day ill start over. each day, i wont eat, then ill make it half the day and give up. i end up eating more than 2 times the calories i need to maintain my weight. its that or none at all. i cant balance. 

i want so badly the control to not eat again, i want so badly to have my old body back. more than anything in the world. i cant be satisfied with anything in my life unless i have that. or better. it just isnt possible for me to be happy when i look this disgusting. 

[sidewaez]

try try try try try try try try. if at first you dont succeed, try, and try again. 

i am so so tired of being fat. so tired. i am fat. that is all i am. no one ever sees me as a skinny girl. i am too fat to wear a bikini, therefore, i am fat. its true. 

its so goddamn hard to lose the first 12 pounds, which are the ket moment into permanency for me. i have to be around the 120 mark to see any worthwhile in my efforts. from there its smooth sailing because it gets exciting. this week i bought 14 clif bars and 7 cans of soup in efforts to only eat 2 bars and 1 can of soup perday. i knew that wouldnt happen cuz thats only 600 calories, but with a few slip ups a day i figured it would be about 900 per day which is safe. im trying not to be too hard on myself and just being ok with it as long as each day im under 1200. im really impatient but im just going to try to take a deep breath, finish the week, hopefully stay under 1200 each day, im staying hungry and im still pooping so my metabolism seems to be ok still. then i know i probably wont really lose more than 2 or 3 pounds, so next week hopefully ill do the same thing again but not cheat, and then maybe keep it at 900 or below, then the 3rd week i wont cheat at all, then itll be 600 per day which is dedication level. then by the 3rd week hopefully ill be back to 120ish. then 4th week ill up my calories to 8-900 and start running again if im back at 120. then ill be eating 800, working off 200 so ill be getting in shape and only eating 600 per day, so 2 weeks of that ill be at 115 maybe if im lucking then ill see how it goes from there. 

[sidewaez]

i weighed myself on my moms friends scale today. it was 137.5 with clothes on. i dont know why i ever do that. her scale makes me weigh 10 pounds more than normal. it makes me want to die every time. im not sure whos scale is wrong but obviously i am only destined to believe the heavier one. and if that is true, i am obese. just giant. no point in living. i need to write all over my body. i need to lose weight. i need to lose 30+ pounds. that is a ton. i have been sick for over a week from eating awful food, i havent been able to wear normal clothes because im so bloated and in pain. my stomach is all swollen. i have to stop. people eat small amounts of food all the time. i know i feel better when i dont eat, i dont know why i cant stop. maybe i subconciously want to sabotage myself, who knows. but i need to stop eating. i need to stop. i dont even like food that much. every thing that i eat i think while im eating it how its not even that good, its not even worth it, and i do it anyway. if i can make myself sick from over eating over and over again and gaining weight, i can very well do the opposite, would i rather be sick and fat or sick and thin? that is the question, ill always be sick i might as well be hungry and light headed than writihing in pain because my stomach is sticking out like a fucking balloon. stop stop stop stop grace, you are fat. you are so so fat stop eating stop fucking eating you dont need it. you are ugly you have been thin so many times why would you ever let yourself get fat again you are so worthless. try harder. keep trying. stop giving up like every other time. :(

[p-etilus-deactivated20141206]

[sidewaez]

i ran for 3 weeks straight and lost 9 pounds total, and then i gave up. 121. it just wasnt enough. now ive been eating myself sick the past few days. eating whatever i can find. its awful. my clothes dont fit, im just stuffed all the time. im back to 128. i just cant ever succeed. i feel like i should just give up for good. but i feel like i deserve it at the same time. i need to find balance, but balance, just isnt something i do well. its all or nothing. im depressed or im overly happy, im a zombie, or im so hyper i cant sit still, i eat until i get sick, or i starve until i pass out. why cant i just be normal. 

[sidewaez]

well today is day 13 of diligently running EVERY night for half an hour, and eating less than 1000 calories a day. i weighed in at 122 this morning, i started at 130. so 8 pounds in 12 days is not bad at all. i have never tried so hard at something in my life. at least i feel like it. moreso i have never legitimately combined diet with exercise. i usually do one or the other. diet is usually the most important, but i can tell since ive been exercising that the weight loss is looking more toned rather then just getting smaller. and i feel like its helping keep my metabolism in check. today though i didnt get a chance to eat enough in the morning so i was running off a banana at 4:30pm and got a really bad hunger headache, close to delirium level it felt dangerous to drive a little. so i ate an avocado when i got home which is really high in natural fats to help feed my brain, but when i undereat too much it takes a while for the headache to go away and to digest. so itll probably be another 3 hours before i feel normal again :/ i should probably be eating a little more than i am, ive been getting headaches the last few days, but i dont ever really feel hungry anymore, at least not much. but on average ive been eating about 800 which after my run ends up being 5-600 give or take, which is ano level calories for the most part. that is how much i was eating in 2010 when i lost 27 pounds in 3 months. but i feel like this is a little healthier since im getting exercise, and i usually do try to eat if i have a headache, i try to keep myself from starving. it is so hard not to deprive myself immensely though, like i am so close to being back to under 120 and that is my plateau zone, once i break that, which should be next week im actualy going to start looking good and it is so exciting i just want to never eat and watch the pounds fall away. 

[sidewaez]

i am just so incredibly ugly. i am so ashamed to be me. i used to be pretty, there have times times, extended periods even, where i was pretty. but now is not one of them. i am trying, i am giving it my best effort once again, but its killing me knowing that i cant just change it. these things take time. i have been obsessing over my hair lately, thinking its my hair's problem, but i know that its not. my hair is fine, my hair is always fine, its my face thats the problem. its my flabby arms. its my boobs that dont fit in any of my clothes. its the fact that my stomach is nowhere near flat. my thighs actually rub together now!! it has been ages since i said that. they touch for like 5 inches when i stand with my feet together. it is absolutely repulsive. i feel like no matter what makeup i wear, my eyes are just circles. you cant even see my eyelashes anymore, i look like a dead fish, eyeballs bulging out of my head. my cheekbones are non-existent. my face is just the pancake of an oval. i am overweight, and i am hideous. i just dont even know what else to do. i am cutting my calories like crazy, and i am exercising as much as i can. and all else i can do is wait. but it is excruciating. i guess i deserve it. i got myself here, its my job to get myself out. :/

[sidewaez]

i hope nobody i knows follows this anymore. i unlinked it. but its possible they do. and if so, well what the hell. this is me. im fucked up. 

[sidewaez]

Get shit done. 

write down everything i eat. 

exercise. walk. stretch wtf ever. 

make soup. drink tea. 

chew and spit if you have to. 

get back to 120 in 2 weeks. 

continue. do. not. stop. 

you are gross. you are disgusting. 

fucking fix it. 

your boobs are huge. 

buy what you have to but DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

you can do it. 

YOU CAN. 

dont embarrass yourself. 

tremble. feel your cheeks again. suck in when you walk. dont hide in your baggy clothes. do it for you. do it for the boys. 

you can be pretty. but you have to try. 

just dont eat. 

dont fucking eat. 

your thighs touch. how could you let that happen. 

you are what you hate. 

hate. 

[sidewaez]

i would be so cute if i lost 20 pounds. 

UGHHHH ITS SO FRUSTRATING. i could potentially be pretty cute. AND I CANT FUCKING DO IT. 

hours, days, months, of torturing myself and feeling like shit, and never success. i get so close sometimes, then it goes right back to square one. for once in my life, cant i just get to my goal just to see what it feels like? i cant imagine id ever let it go if i ever got it. please god, come on. just let me be 100 pounds for once. 

[sidewaez]

dear grace, 

right now you are crying because your stomach hurts so badly because you ate too much. you cant throw up even though that would fix everything. you cant even move because you are in so much pain. your stomach is swollen and you can see the veins because it barely fits in your skin. stop buying candy. learn your lesson. its not worth it. control yourself. no more. you cant keep doing this to yourself. 

[sidewaez]

woooww. just logged into myfitnesspal and got really depressed. i hate back sliding. 

last time i logged in i weighed 117 and had measurements of 34-25-37 which is not too bad, i was getting there. one more inch and about 5 pounds away from there and id be a true zero. 

now, now is a different story. im back to 124 which is basically cow status. there is a huge appearnece differece. im so bummed. i need to be 115 or less to look good. 

i wrote out my weight goals on the calendar, 100 by july. sigh. if only. 

[sidewaez]

i feel like i should probably take anti-depressants or start exercising excessively. probably the second one, seeing as that would give me an awesome body and require no drugs. but the first is so much easier. 

why am i so lazy. ugh.