Chasing the Dragon.

Sometimes you just have to want something and let yourself have it.

[remanence-of-love]

[sierrajay]

Hi I’m back to scream into the void.

My sister in law is a twat.

It always amazes me how some people are incapable of saying sorry. Like as if when they say it somehow that would hurt them. I got to a point in my healing journey late last year where I was sick of people using me for emotional labor. I’m not a therapist and even though I love being there for my family when they need me I also can’t hold their problems/pain on top of dealing with my own bullshit. My sister in law is the type to only talk about herself when you call. The type that doesn’t ask you questions about your life/day in a conversation and always finds a way to bring it back to her. She would argue with her friends or my brother then call me or FaceTime me to gab about it/talk a bunch of shit about them then go back to being besties with them like nothing ever happened. All the while I’m left holding all the negative energy she needed to vent out in that moment. So okay, when she married my brother she planned her wedding to be two days before my birthday…I really tried to be cool about it and like whatever it’s just a day(but inside it’s like my bday means a lot me as a middle child that never got any solo attention…so this crushed me). Especially when she rubbed salt in the wound by saying nothing important happens in that month anyways. So I stuffed that one down and kept it moving because maybe they’d come around one day and be like hey sorry we made this all about us. Years go by at this point of just a one sided friendship. Me calling, me flying down to see them, me providing advice and listening to rants about how she’s the victim in every situation known to man. It got exhausting. The last straw was last year I got invited to a mutual friends wedding. My SIL hyped me up about flying down and having a great time all together at this wedding. She was one of the bridesmaids and my brother was also in the wedding so my SO and I made the effort and took the time off of work to go down. Now this part is a lesson for me in when you don’t have the means to travel and go to a wedding then don’t go. We didn’t have the cash to do this trip but it was the first wedding we were invited to and we were excited about spending time with my brother so we charged it on our credit cards and did the trip. Ugh. The wedding was so nice…except for the part where my SIL ignored us the entire time. We tried to have a drink with my brother she pulled him away, we tried to sit with them at dinner and they shooed us away to have some kids sit in those seats. It hurt so bad. It was big you can’t sit with us vibe. Gross. The whole reason we went down was to have a good time at this wedding and we couldn’t even take a shot together. I don’t have one picture of us at the wedding at all. It’s a bummer. So that’s when I quietly decided that I was done being a doormat for her. I was like well if I stop calling surely she’ll call me right? Right? Ha, nope. Nada. Eventually it turned into a family rumor right like oh Sierra doesn’t want to talk to her or she did something to Sierra so they’re not talking.

Around this time Charlie Kirk death happened and my brother went full on maga on Instagram and so he and I got into an argument and stopped talking. A few months pass and it’s the holidays and I’m like okay I have shit to send my nephews I want to squash this beef and have a good Xmas. So I call him and we squash it whatever he says I need to talk to his wife and that her and I need to make up. I’m like sure she can text me or call me my numbers never changed. She sends a weakass hey text, that’s it just hey. I don’t respond bc say something worth reading. We don’t talk. Last night our mutual friend posts a pic with her my SIL my brother and nephew at a wedding. I message my SIL and say hey nice picture see how you hungout with them at this wedding and got a pic together? That’s all I was hoping for last year. She doesn’t like this. Says I need to get over it and she has nothing to apologize for.

Look, sure I’m being petty, but I’m tired of taking it like I’m invisible. As if things don’t hurt me and people are allowed to treat me like I don’t exist especially someone that obviously does see me when she needs to spill her emotions.

A sorry can go such a long way. A simple hey sorry I hurt your feelings can make a huge difference. That’s all I needed. Imagine if she had just been like hey my bad and I would just say thanks for saying that that means a lot and then everything is squashed and we could move on. I’m not getting that and I have to learn to be okay with it.

[allsadnshit]

Keeping an alive tumblr in 2026 is proof of one's sincerity and authenticity - a type of person who enjoys posting for the sake of it with absolutely nothing to be gained....just the enjoyment of curation and self expression untainted by opportunity and relevance

[sierrajay]

And the hits just keep on comin. Our storage unit in our apartment building was broken into. They stole all of my artsy fancy bongs. The lexapro is working so well that I can’t even cry about it so…like…that’s good? I feel like this is cry worthy but I can’t make any tears, I can’t think myself into a breakdown and it’s weird. It’s always times like these where I think how I would have handled it before meds. “Not well BITCH!” (iykyk) anywaysssss my partner had a really hard time with the whole situation. He’s super stressed over work and getting a promotion and this was the last straw. He had a good cry and I was so jealous. Must be nice to get it all out. I’m bummed the glass is gone. That was such a big part of my 20’s. At the same time I’m kinda relieved that it’s gone. Now I’m even farther away from that connection to San Diego and Green-I. Freeing. Sad that it’s all gone forever but they were just things and things that were taking up unnecessary space in my heart and mind. It’s time to let it go. This is just like the time that slime ball Omar threw all of my cool thrifted clothes in the dumpster because he was mad at me. Isn’t it strange how the body holds onto those feelings and your brain is just like yeah we’ve been here before. Hahahahahahahahhaa I’m laughing because I’m sad. Okay bye now.

[scorpionlafemme]

[selhnio]

^

[8nin]

I notice everything and this is my problem.

[maryprints91]

[sierrajay]

You know you have someone gagged when they wait 17hrs then reply with “I don’t owe you an explanation” aka I don’t have to tell you why I treated you like shit and if you’re hurt by it then that’s on you. I’m happy that I said something because now it’ll get around that I’m calling out their weird behavior. I bet her brothers will confront me in San Diego and I hope they do because as an outsider coming in, this family is weird! This family doesn’t talk their problems out or even have arguments. They don’t yell at eachother or name call but they’re also huge liars. In my family when we have a problem with eachother someone will usually make an awkward joke about it and that will open the floodgates and everyone gets their bad blood out. In this one they just fake smile at eachother then lock up their true feelings and do sideways shit to one another. It’s uncomfortable and I hate it and I’m not afraid of them anymore.

[sierrajay]

I’m going into this year giving a lot less fucks about what people think. Mainly people that I’ve been letting step all over me for years. I’ve already confronted my parents, my brothers and now I tackled my partners cousin. He’s an only child so cousins are like siblings to him. This one in particular welcomed me into the family and made me feel like we were friends until they moved out here with their girlfriend. It’s weird like she’ll go behind our back and fly his mom out here without even letting us know when she’ll be in town. Or host thanksgiving dinner down the street from us and not even throw us a pity invite. Part of me feels like I should stay in my lane and not get in the middle of their family dynamic but it’s also like…I’m marrying into this dysfunction. Anyways, we’re going to San Diego in two weeks and I’m looking forward to having some conversations in person like with my sister in law who also treated me like I was disposable. Therapy working sometimes feels like weight loss. Like you never notice how much you’re actually losing till clothes don’t fit. Same with therapy you never know how much work you’re actually doing till things don’t feel the same but in the best ways imaginable.

[sierrajay]

You know you’re getting old when you throw your back out from sleeping on a different mattress. My boo and I went on a lil staycation up north from us and had a blast! It was so relaxing and lovely to be in a new place surrounded by nature and just alone. The day we got home we went out to dinner and had some drinks. Then when we got home we ended up doing some party favors that our friend had given us a few months ago and it was a good time, until I woke up in the most excruciating sciatica pain. I haven’t had a flare up like this in years I’m really out of the game. O went back to work today so I’m single dog mom for the afternoon and my god all of the bending these dogs need from me is wild. I did some TikTok stretches/muscle release techniques and I’m feeling a little better but this is day three and I’m ready to be back to normal. Luckily I’m on pto right now so I have some time to heal before going back to the grind. That would suck having to call out after being gone for more than a week. I’m praying the pain subsides enough to check out the holiday market tonight.

[sierrajay]

My therapist said posting on tumblr again could be good for me. Hi, here I am… posting into the void again. I’m not sure what to write about or what’s worth mentioning after such a long time has passed. I’m still working at the bakery making bread and pastries and baking. I’m pretty happy about it and really love the people I work with. We unionized last year and since then it’s been so much better. It feels more organized. I’m getting paid really good money for the hard work that I do and it feels really fair. I’ve been making friends and it’s been…interesting…. Better than isolating but strange getting back out there in my 30’s. I’m meeting people in their 20’s and some ten years older than me. It’s fun feeling like I’m in the middle of those age ranges and it’s exciting and still stable. We’re still not married but this year has been the best and most healthy we’ve been in our relationship and that feels so safe and strong. I don’t mind the wait. The biological clock is pounding but I’m still healing so much trauma that bringing a baby into the middle of it wouldn’t be fair to them. I can’t wait to give them a stable and supportive home in five years. Well that’s all for now.

[sierrajay]

So.

I put in my two week notice at the bakery today. A little sad…a little exciting. I’m going back to being a housewife/dog mom and I’m stoked. Part of what pushed me to this decision was having my year review and only getting an 80 cent raise after taking on so many new responsibilities..mainly running the morning bakes and having to get there at 3am to work my ass off till everything is done. I love it but it’s a lot of work and I feel almost disrespected that they wouldn’t just give me the dollar. There’s people in foh that are making two or three dollars more than me in the back, and I know it’ll be that way anywhere in this industry but I’m also dealing with my grandmother being sick aka on her deathbed and my parents using me as a crutch to get through it all. I just need a break and these ten hour shifts are killing me. Not to mention having to take care of myself, my partner, dogs and house on top of it all, my weekends don’t even feel like weekends anymore. I’ve learned so much at this bakery and the people there are the best part of it all. When I felt like I had no friends and constantly felt left out so many of them brought me in and made me feel a part of the team. I felt so lucky. I am so lucky to have had this experience and I’m not ready to move upward just a move to the side for a little bit. I want to be able to go back during the winter or when they need help but with an end in sight. Tillllll then I’m gonna make some trips back home to San Diego and spend some time with loved ones, enjoy summer out in/on the beautiful water, love on my doggos, maybe do some quick instacart or DoorDash work to supplement some bill, and get my house and life together again. I’m so ready for this change!

[sierrajay]

I work with this guy that I cannot fucking stand! He’s the worst. He’s so lazy and thinks he’s so cool and original…it’s exhausting! He’s already quitting because he’s starting a pizza company and wants to focus on that, that’s chill as fuck! If he wasn’t so insufferable! I truly can’t stand him. I’m counting down the days till he’s gone.

[berkeleygirl3]

[sierrajay]

How my pretend covid vacation has been going. 🧡

[sierrajay]

I got sick this week and even though it’s just a cold I lied to my work and said it was covid, getting me the entire weekend (my work week) off. Part of me feels guilty but they just upped my anti anxiety meds so I also don’t feel anything. I’ve been having good weeks at work and feel like I’m consistently getting better at mixing and shaping. I took a big step and agreed to learn how to bake which is terrifying but also exciting to learn a new skill and juggle one more thing. O got a promotion at work and wants me to quit and just stay home with the dogs again but I also know that financially that would be tight. It would be fun but it wouldn’t be as worry free as he thinks it’ll be. Having my own money is important too, I don’t want to be so tied to him that I couldn’t leave if I ever wanted to. So I’ll just suck it up and keep on going to work, lame. Maybe after I get a raise and he keeps going in his career I could cut down to less than full time. Those 3 am days are getting old.

Anyways..I think my drinking is getting to be a bit excessive lately. I get so bored on my weekend then end up walking to the market and going to bars and before I know it O is off of work and we’re bar hopping home. It’s fun honestly but then during my work days I’m thinking about being off and having a shot or beer right when I get home so I can maximize my buzz before I have to go to bed. Maybe this work break will give me some time to just chill and be Cali sober…as the kids say…

Well that’s all. I’m gonna rot on the couch with my dogs the rest of the day until O is home and we do all our laundry that has been piling up. Fml.

[sierrajay]

You ever just think about your past and go,”oh…that’s nice…oh, oh no wtf stahp” and have to try and close the thought browser as fast as you can?