So where the hell have you been, anyway?
It's been some wild years, and the ride ain't over yet. There's been so much going on, just a whirlwind of chaos, and constant change in my life. So I revisit the age-old questions of who I am, what I want, and what I want to do in this world--you know, that easy, casual stuff. I haven't necessarily answered those questions definitively (not that I think most people can answer them with finality), but I've learned a lot through my process. Hopefully, I can share some of those thoughts and insights with you.
So, what's been going on? Over the past few years, I...
got super into cooking and food
went through a divorce, and all the heartache that brings
started a company, got it going for the first few years, and handed over day-to-day operations to the team
started dating again, and found a wonderful partner...
...who then needed emergency brain surgery and had a long, difficult recovery
completed my undergrad and Master's with flying colors
radically changed my primary career of 17+ years
had my kids full-time throughout the pandemic lockdowns
was working away from home for about a year
came out to and cut contact with my parents
It's been hard. It's been lonely. There were a lot of other heartaches and struggles in there that I can't talk about. But I needed a lot of that time and space to really learn and grow so I could untangle this insane web of chaos in my head and heart. I think I'm better for it now, but there were definitely better paths I could have taken where I didn't neglect friendships and connections.
A lot of it came from wanting to avoid difficult or confrontational conversations. Talking about getting divorced after ten years married and starting all over again is rough. I still had a lot of raw emotions around the end of that relationship, and a lot of my friends were also her friends. I assumed people would take sides, and that people not reaching out to me was a sign that they were "on her side". I figured people wouldn't want to hear from me.
There was also just so much vitriol around sexual identity and gender expression, and I never knew who was "safe" and who was not. My partner of 5+ years, whom I met in university, is a trans man. My oldest is also transmasc. My in-person friend group was full of acceptance and support, but I didn't feel comfortable talking about it publicly online, least of all because I was hiding from confrontation with my parents (very becoming for a 30-something-year-old man to hide from his parents). I watched so many people that I considered to be kind and empathetic turn into raging ideologues over transphobia and the "pronoun war".
Then, the longer I went without keeping touch with folks, the harder it became to reach out.
It essentially boils down to: I let my anxiety control me, and worried more about what other people would think than what was important to me. As a recovering people-pleaser, this is a recurring theme and a pattern I'm deliberately breaking. I've since come out to my parents and, as my criteria for an ongoing relationship with them was acceptance and respect for me, my son, and my partner, cut contact with them. I knew it was coming, and they've disowned me before. It still sucks.
But, this isn't a pity party post. Things are hard, and I still struggle, but I feel myself for the first time in my life. I have a loving, supportive, communicative relationship. I'm in a better place with my kids than I've ever been. A new direction and growth in my career. A new neighborhood and city to explore and discover. Life goes on; hope and possibilities abound.
