Inner Workings

Poem a day keeps the bad things away. I'm figuring it all out. Artist Inquiries: [email protected]

[signedco]

Saturday, August 29, 2020

I never died before and I’m thankful to say that,

no one has gathered at an alter of me

and candles and memories and darkness

to honor the little life I managed.

No one has held back tears or

couldn’t keep the tears from rolling or was

completely stone face or

got a headache from crying so much

because I will not be seen walking or talking

or breathing ever again.

When I was 8, after being lectured about

the inevitability of death at Sunday school,

I decided to not be scared of dying.

My new fear was suffering,

I don’t want it to hurt along the way

because there is enough of that.

Chadwick Boseman died today and

all I can think about is how I taught

2nd grade in East Baltimore when Black Panther came out.

All of my students were obsessed with this man

who could easily be in their neighborhood too.

That they are seen and heard and felt

and can be as big as they want to.

Chadwick grew up real regular and

became the most important man to my kids.

I wish I can tell him thank you for the lesson plans

and the days “Wakanda Forever” felt like a trigger

and kids being interested in learning about Africa

and on halloween when all of the Black boys in the school,

and every school honestly, were the Black panther.

I cry because I know for a fact cancer hurts

and he brought everyone I love so much happiness.

[signedco]

Wednesday, March 11, 2020 “Anxious”

Anxiety is my super power

Anxiety is all the windows open and it’s cold

Anxiety is all the windows closed and a fan on high

Anxiety is bubble guts

Anxiety is sitting in the same spot so long, you forget you can move

Anxiety is a fire detector in the bathroom but not the kitchen

Anxiety is grout

Anxiety is dry heat in the summer

Anxiety is wet socks

Anxiety is 2 minutes til open

Anxiety is a train stopping between stops

Anxiety is the urge to jump

[signedco]

Tuesday, March 10, 2020 “It’s easy to think”

That a feeling could swallow you whole,

that the only thing that could exist in a room

is you and this feeling

you’re halfway in the mouth of:

sadness, loneliness, defeat, emptiness.

You’re stuck between it’s teeth

and why would a monster floss?

Why would it be concerned if

you are comfortable in its digestion.

But a feeling is not a monster,

it is not hungry,

it is not hunting.

It just is.

[signedco]

Monday, March 9, 2020 “Consideration”

My bed deserves some alone time

so I got out if it early and made it.

Cleaned the floor so it has a decent view,

closed the door behind me and hoped for the best.

Even a casket needs room to breathe.

[signedco]

Friday, March 6, 2020 “A Boy Pretending to Be a Wolf, Pretending to Be a King”

I knew you had a temper

and I took it as a sign of attraction

rather than a warning,

that maybe I could tame you.

That maybe this is something we could conquer

together.

You punched my door

and hurt my feelings,

made me feel as small

as I did you,

payback.

You like revenge,

to you it’s a balance,

a way to ensure karma.

Everything done to you

is in fact

met with a retaliation

because you are right and

they are wrong.

[signedco]

Thursday, March 5, 2020 “I take what I can from you”

and I hold on to it for dear life.

I don’t know the next time I’ll peak your interest,

or I’ll cross your mind,

or you’ll be bored enough,

or have enough money,

to summon me across state lines

so I take what I can get from you.

I try to see it as a present,

a surprise when I get a text,

a gift when it’s a call,

turn into a little girl when you tell me

that you want me.

No one wants me,

and it’s an honor that you do.

[signedco]

Wednesday, March 4, 2020 “March Fo(u)rth

I look for worldly signs to a fault,

waiting for the universe to say something

before even starting my day,

picking out an outfit, brushing my teeth.

I think today is my favorite day of the year.

It’s a complete sentence,

a command,

reassurance to keep moving despite anything else.

[signedco]

Friday, February 21, 2020 “More Thoughts on Pop Smoke”

It’s easy to talk about death when you’re away from it.

My friend knew Pop Smoke,

her little brother spent everyday with him

like all young people tend to do -

marry their friends.

She’s in tears,

and I’m reminded of how small the world is.

Of course, the death of this rapper,

whose music I never listened to,

and quite frankly, not sure what he looks like,

somehow makes it into my heart

and shatters.

Of course I’m a degree and a half away

without even realizing.

I, for one, am tired of seeing young people,

young Black people die,

by doing exactly they were told to do.

Pop Smoke, Bashar, made it out.

Only to be killed by

the place he was told to runaway to.

When you grow up in the hood,

the expectation is to leave the hood before it kills you,

but he would have been safe there.

And if he died in the hood,

at least he would have had his mother by his side.

[signedco]

Thursday, February 20, 2020 “Pop Smoke”

The fact of the matter is that

niggas die everyday

and these young niggas ain’t afraid

to kill someone’s baby

and I think it’s because

they have forgotten they, themselves,

is someone’s baby.

Pop Smoke has one of them Philly niggas names,

a name I grew up with,

and know at least two of.

It would be selfish of me to say that I know him,

but I have seen many like him,

and his killers too.

I grew up with them,

then became too afraid to hang out with them

anymore, after we got to middle school.

The fact of the matter is that

niggas die everyday,

in very terrible, terrible ways,

and it really be the ones who remind you of yourself.

[signedco]

Wednesday, February 19, 2020 “Notes on Healing”

Birth is the trauma

and we spend the rest of our lives

healing from it.

I think we glorify broken things because

we all are it,

and it’s easier to stay broken

than gathering all of the sharp pieces

and glue them back together.

I think we glorify broken things

because there is a pride in fixing.

I’ve come to learn that healing

is one of the many things

we will do for the rest of our lives.

If you are not healing, you are

definitely dying.

[signedco]

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 “Perscription” After Hanif Abdurraqib

It’s easy to think of anything

that makes you feel better as medicine.

All the addictable shit was medicine —

oxy, codine, qualudes, cocaine —

until people started ODing and

selling parts of themselves to obtain it.

Poison is advertised as medicine sometimes

and we gladly indulge because

we just want to feel better right now

thinking of the cost later.

I have a prescription for meaningless sex,

to feel whole, and loved conditionally,

because men love my mouth for some reason

but not when I speak.

The price?

You know it.

[signedco]

Monday, February 17, 2020 “Untitled”

I take what I can get from you

and I hold on to it for dear life.

I don’t know the next time I’ll peak your interest,

or I’ll cross your mind,

or you’ll be bored enough,

or have enough money,

to summon me across state lines

so I take what I can get from you.

I try to see it as a present,

a surprise when I get a text,

a gift when it’s a call,

turn into a little girl when you tell me

that you want me.

No one wants me,

and it’s an honor that you do.

[signedco]

Sunday, February 16, 2020 “I Wish I Knew What You Thought About Me”

I try to pick your brain with no luck.

It’s hard to know what your thinking or feeling,

or what you think or feel about me.

If you really want me around

or you’d just rather not be alone

and you know I’d jump state lines to see you.

I spent a whole weekend with another man

in attempts to shoo you out.

At the end of the weekend,

late at night,

your favorite time to call upon me

I jumped at the chance to get anything,

hear anything,

from you.

[signedco]

Saturday, February 15, 2020 “Early Morning and Late Night”

I woke up thinking of you,

like I did falling asleep.

You’re easy to fantasize about

because you don’t stop me,

you like me getting ahead of myself,

feel moving and fingers typing

before I know what’s really going on.

[signedco]

Wednesday, February 12, 2020 “Untitled”

Loving you is an empty task,

I knew that before I got in

and decided to go on anyways.

I want our love to feel like the sex does,

complete, like,

how did I go my entire life without it?

[signedco]

Tuesday, February 11, 2020 “And I’ll Push You Away Too”

I push people away like

they did to Bikini Bottom in that one episode of Spongebob,

someone on a swing set,

eight before the first punch in a fight,

in a mosh,

when a man is standing way too close to you,

to the ground in a push up,

some buttons,

[signedco]

Monday, February 10, 2020, “Eyes”

I’m grateful for calm,

for the spaces in between me hating myself.

Maybe this can be a regular thing,

that this is how regular people feel:

not panicking all the time.

I’m grateful for right now,

an intermission of peace

where I feel safe enough to smile.

Makes me wonder

if a hurricane could have more than one eye,

more than one points of stillness.