[siilencespeakss]

➵ the 𝕤𝕦𝕣𝕧𝕚𝕧𝕒𝕝 𝕙𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕠𝕣 tour setlist.

[siilencespeakss]

this is the first time in awhile i’ve seen you more like yourself, and i know the last almost year has been so rough and trying on you but seeing you like this brings me so much joy and happiness. my sweet baby.

[siilencespeakss]

me talking to my stupid brain that lacks the right chemicals it needs to function

[siilencespeakss]

i’ve been thinking a lot all day, not in a bad way mostly just in an overwhelmed kind of happy way. it’s moments when i’m scrolling through stupid videos of being drunk with kells and the crew, laughing and smiling, videos of him playing on snl, hearing me crying through the happy yelling and clapping when he was done with each song. even in my hungover haze and headache it still brings the biggest smile to my face to see where he is now. i know the last year has been filled with lots of ups and lots of downs, and moments where it felt like those downs were endless not just for him but for the both of us. 

i know despite all of that i was put onto this earth to love him, take care of him and be with him no matter how hard it gets and how hopeless i know i can sometimes feel when things do get bad because my brain is really bad at the whole ‘you’ll get through this’ thing because before him things never got better they just got worse and i know only a year of a good healthy relationship won’t cure years of that kind of thinking. 

there’s lots of instances when i feel myself falling in love with him all over again, from simple things, to more intense things, but last night was one of those punch to the gut kind of moments (in a good way, a very good way) where i just felt my heart explode with so much love and i don’t know where it’s all going to go but seeing him flourish, smile so big, and get through a song i know means so much to him for his dad and aunt, really just made me feel so much at once.

i’m forever proud of him, and i know this is just really the start for him. 

he deserves this more than anything in the world. 

[siilencespeakss]

i wouldn’t say i’m bad at all, i feel loads better than i did before but i still have really shitty days where i sink so far into my head that i don’t know what to do with it. but i reckon that happens. things don’t feel like they did before which is good, i’m thankful for that. i’m excited to disappear off the face off the earth for 2 weeks with kells for our honeymoon, i’m so thankful for elio and i love him so much but i miss just us having time together and between the new ep, elio being born and all the holidays that came after and then the shit that happened, we really haven’t had time for us and i miss that. 

[siilencespeakss]

𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘰𝘯 ; 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢 2021

dear diary

shadow moses 

teardrops

can you feel my heart

parasite eve

itch for the cure / kingslayer

sleepwalking

doomed

1x1

follow you

nihilist blues

sugar honey ice & tea

[siilencespeakss]

you ever just feel like tv static? yeah.

[siilencespeakss]

things feel good, things feel better, i feel myself again. i’m happy. 

[siilencespeakss]

the last few days have felt better, but i’m afraid of being happy about it and then something happening. 

[siilencespeakss]

i want the earth to swallow me whole, i don't want to exist anymore. i'm tired.

[pretty-ichor]

do you ever just think about how damaged you are? like wow i really am fucked in the head

[tiredbtw]

*spends all of my time alone* perfect! but why am i crazy

[siilencespeakss]

trying to remember the last time i felt anything at all

[siilencespeakss]

things still just feel empty and void, and i guess that’s life now.

[bpdanais-deactivated20170815]

Me, in tears: whatever tho I guess it doesn’t matter haha

[siilencespeakss]

now i've dodged your questions so much i don't possess the strength to answer straight and no, i'm not afraid, at least not to die i'm afraid to live and not remember why

[siilencespeakss]

am i supposed to give a shit about any of this? because i just don't lmao at all