Midnight blog to empty the mind.

Hello everyone, or well anyone who happens across this. Before you get too far and think this is just another whiny person well yes, yes I am.

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Timeline 4

Alright um.... okay so yeah real emotional shit. 

So yeah 6th grade that's where I really changed, the cyst, my dads gf and my mom being in Iraq. Well that's also the year I learned that when I'm angry I go into a frenzy, aka I black out. Now okay 6th grader blacking out big deal let him or her yell and scream and lash out until he or she calms down. Wrong, turns out I have a trigger, my trigger is seeing people being abused or when women are being attacked by men (emotionally or physically), I have this "savior" complex I guess but it runs a little bit deeper than just an ego, turns out I actually react at an emotional level where I black out and become a different much more brutal version of myself. (This has only happened twice in my life almost 3 times.) The first time is when I saw a kid punching and slapping another (both 6th graders the one getting hit my fluffy ginger friend the other kid is the little brother of the kid I body slammed in football when I played, see told you to remember him.) Now when I think 6th grader I think bundle of energy, they're loud and crazy but not dangerous unless they have some kind of weapon. Well I decided to stand up to said bully and warned him if he touched my friend again I'd hurt him (now I didnt think I actually would, honestly I was hoping he would just stand down and leave him alone but that didnt happen), the kid laughed in my face then punched my friend in the face so I punched the kid in the gut and he slapped me. I don't know about anyone else but I HATE being slapped in the face, ladies please just punch the guy don't slap him unless you can knock him out with a slap, because that's my only other trigger is being slapped in the face. The reason why that triggers me is because I see it as a sign of disrespect, that the other person doesn't consider me to be there level so I don't deserve an actual hit. Well I cried instantly, I hated being slapped it made me so angry, last thing I remember is charging at the kid and ducking his swing and slamming one home right to his left eye, then....black. Nothing,10 minutes of me pounding on this kid and I don't remember anything past ducking and punching him once. Now if you ask the crowds of people the majority will say I kicked his ass but the majority were kids that were in 6th and 7th grade, afraid of disagreeing with the kids older brother and his bully friends so you could never get them to say anything in front of them. Sure I could take on a kid my size but someone who has 2 years on me? Hell no xD. One side will tell you that I was kind of like an animal, growling and punching, throwing this kid into cars and fighting like someone who knew what they were doing. The older kids? The ones who were friends with his older brother no chance in hell, they all say he beat me senseless and I was stumbling all over, but one problem with their story, I had NO bruises. Not a single one, but the other kid? Two black eyes and a fat lip, so I believed the stories about how I threw him around like a ragdoll and ignored the kid saying "he kicked my ass". As he held and ice pack to his face XD. Oh and this all happened in the school parking lot, I only got like 2 weeks of after school detention and was told to stay away from the kid because the principle was afraid that I would hurt him again hahaha :). So yeah 6th grade was an interesting year, I also fought some other kid but I didnt black out for that one, some kid just wanted to start a fight so he kept telling this insecure fat kid that no one really liked that I was talking shit about his momma so he came after me and I dropped him like a sack of potatoes after 5 minutes of trying to explain to him I didn't talk ill about his mother. He wouldn't listen and I was getting tired so I waited for him to hailmary, caught his hand, sidestepped and uppercut him. Down, done a cop showed up and brought him home. He's okay though :) he grew up to become pretty cool I talk to him every now and again whenever I see him at the college campus. 

Blah I write a lot in such a short amount of time. Onto grade 7!

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Tis the season

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Timeline 3

So where were we? Ahh yes wrapping up about football. Okay so yeah coaches were dicks yada yada yada. So more on the tumor/cyst thing, it wasnt just my family that was thinking I was lying, my father, sister, grandparents and even some of my friends stopped talking to me cause they thought I was faking and wouldn't give up the act. Yeah, oh well I've grown to learn that those that stopped being my friends grew into being giant assholes. I guess one thing I should inform the reader or readers about is my sister is a GIANT cunt, I know a lot of people don't like that word but, you know that really obnoxious bitch who screams about everything and I mean everything well that's her. I think the last time I remember having a good memory with my sister is when she got her tonsils out and couldn't speak for 3 days. It was so quiet I didn't mind being around her.  Alright so during all this my mother was overseas in Iraq because at the time she was enlisted in the military. She was there from 2005 to 2008, which is suffice to say REALLY fucking long to a kid who was kind of a mommies boy (Now? Not so much I kind of dislike being at my mothers house). And to add onto all this between the pain in the back, my mother being in Iraq and waiting days to get a phone call from her wondering "Hey I wonder if that bomb killed my mom?" ya know just that kind of stuff, my dad was cheating on her. Now before everyone goes off about how "What a shithole" or " What a scumbag!" please keep in mind I've forgiven my dad and still love him, hell he's my dad how can I not? So yeah that was kind of bad. He forced me and my sister to live in his gfs house which was horrible I remember nights of crawling to get to a phone so I could call my mom just to hear her voice on the recording before you could leave a message or even just to see the numbers of her phone number I burned into my mind so that I could call her every night. Those were the worst nights, but it wasn't all THAT bad I mean she had kids of her own, one of her girls were closer to my age and she was okay to hangout with. She was nice sometimes but her and her two younger siblings could become quiet the pain in the ass. I was forced to clean up after them cause my sister found her own way to escape the house. I think that's when her life changed and never went back. She got strung up in the wrong crowd of friends, formed horrible habits and just couldnt pull herself back. Me on the other hand I didn't have an escape, I was crippled, on crutches with little to no friends that I felt I wanted to be around. I felt trapped and just trudged on through my days that I was stuck in that house. My worst memory of that place was when It came to my 12th birthday (I had the cyst from 20062008) she purposely didn't go to pick up my birthday cake from the store and it was already bad enough that my dad had to work for the day of birthday. Now I wasn't in as much pain that day I could partially walk on my leg but if I tried for too long it would come back to bite me in the ass, so I proceeded to scream and yell and throw chairs. I was really short so picture a midget throwing wooden chairs bigger than him and that was me. I went berserk, I freaked, I went crazy, I snapped. Can you blame me? Now I'm not saying it was acceptable at all, cause it wasn't, but how would you have handled the situation at 11-12 years old? Okay so continuing on, that was kind of a horrible, the neighbors called the cops but my dad responded to the call so I got to see him for my birthday, I think that's when he started to realize what he was doing to me and my sister. Now the good times of that year? Well it's going to sound sad and depressing but in all actuality I don't mean it to, I used to save up my lunch money all week so about $14 dollars or so, then go buy like a Digiorno pizza or chicken and fries so I could go back to my old house, which I used a shovel to get into (don't ask even as a kid I was still quite the engineer) then proceed to hide in my house until it was time to go home before my dad got there. The worst part was my house wasn't empty of furniture, or anything like that, we didn't move out or sell the house I was simply forced to NOT live there. Which sucked because maybe once every two weeks I could do this, Id sneak in, block up all the windows with blankets, make some dinner and lay on my couch to watch a movie. To feel at home, to feel like all home wasn't lost, the best was when movies were playing on cartoon network, I could curl up in my could house 3-4 blankets around me and pretend nothing happened, that I didn't live with an unbearable pain, that my dad wasn't cheating on my mother, while I worried for days if she would ever call again. But in the end when dinner was done and the movie was over, reality kicked in, it all rushed back, the thoughts I had blocked out, the slight pinch in my back every time I moved my leg, the horrible feeling of loneliness. For all of those who have lost a close relative and have felt that darkness creep over your hear that's what it feels like, or when you lose a pet that you raised from its earliest stages. 

Okay so this is a LOT longer than I intended so ill start another post.

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Timeline 2

Now I continued with football for about 2 1/2 years, the only reason why I ever stopped was because of a tumor that was growing inside of a bone-cyst that was on my right hip. Now for any of you that have pinched a nerve in your back that's what this felt like but there was no relieving the pain. It only came and went when it damn well pleased and trust me it was around a lot longer than it was gone for the year or so that I had it for. Oh I forgot to say I was 10 when the pain first started. Because of where it was placed it kept me from being able to use my right leg. Now take a second and think 10 year old in excruciating pain with Every movement and couldnt use his right leg. How often did you run around? How often did you jump off things? Or climb trees or hell even walk up or down the stairs? Just think about that if you ever pick on someone with some form of disability that reduces their mobility. Sorry about that, that's one of the things I always go out on a rant about because people don't think about it. When I first quit football all the coaches thought I was just baby and couldn't handle growing pains or whatever else they thought it was, but once they found out what it really was not a single on of those assholes apologized, not a single get well card or anything. But that's oh well people are assholes and I've gotten used to it. 

I should really sleep I have class in 10 hours and nothing worse than being tired through 5 hours of class WOOO I'M SO EXCITED!!!!  Not. I hate math the teacher's boring, goodnight all.

[silentmindtillmidnight-blog]

Timeline 1

For those of you reading, I'm not going to be posting regularly, maybe a few times a night, maybe every night for a week, what I'm getting at is it's going to be random. 

Alright sooooo um timeline first? Yeah I'll start there, alrighty so when I was a baby till about the age of 9 actually which is fucking crazy now that I'm where I am 9 years later at the age of 18, I couldnt sleep without sucking my thumb. That is actually my most embarrassing secret but now it's out so phew. When I was a toddler until about 5-6 I would play with stuffed animals like made sound effects and came up with personas for each on but only when I was playing. I didn't really have or want friends I would always growl at people like a dog to keep them away (children and adults alike). Like most kids I've attempted a variety of sports when I was little, soccer, gymnastics, karate, Taekwondo, and football. The only one I really stuck with for a few years was football which was both fun and stupid in my opinion. Why I liked football so much I have noooo fucking idea, I was a cry baby and football was all about hurting people and getting hurt but hey some how I liked it and was good enough to be put as noseguard (for those of you who don't know what that is it's the guy on defense who is in front of the guy hiking the ball to the quarterback.) That was fun for a few years a couple times I've leapt over the center and smashed the quarterback before he had a chance to take a step. Hehe it was always fun seeing the shocked face of the QB and the startled face of the opposite teams coach as he frantically asked his center and two guards to focus on me so I wouldnt jump over the center again. xD Keep in mind I was a chubby kid (still am now I'm just hairy with a beard hahaha.) I think the only other really memorable thing from my memories from football is when one of he kids on my team during practice kept pissing me off by grabbing my facemask so I decided to pick him up over my shoulder and slam him into the ground sending him home crying. He deserved it, and was a bully that was the last time he ever messed with me but keep him in mind his brother pops up later in the timeline.

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Okay so this I guess part one of my late night blog. So a little about me, I am a full-time college student with a part time job and a girlfriend. So now you're guess well life can't be that bad, well it's not I mean I've been through some pretty rough shit but hell, who hasn't? So the reason I'm writing this blog is because I've internalized a lot of stuff. I don't know why I do it, I'm surrounded by people who care and try to support me but I always feel like such a bother to weigh people down with my bullshit, especially since it doesn't usually surface until well midnight. When everyone is asleep or wayyy to tired for me to think it's reasonable for me to burden them with all this "real" talk as some people would put it.