fugue state

olive | 21 | los angeles a collection of feelings trapped in flesh form

[silksimulation]

imagining my upcoming future without you:

checking up on your ig, to see who you’re fucking, and if they fulfilled the ultimate fantasy i thought i could never completely fill, 

posting pictures of myself, knowing that you’re probably saving and jacking off to it,

feeling that brief feeling of power over you,

then feeling disgusted by you all at the same time.

getting on dating apps, and finally understanding everyone’s qualms with the dating in LA,

fucking whoever i want,

fucking everyone i wanted to fuck while we dated,

having sex that’s better than what we’ve ever had,

having bad, awkward sex with someone who means nothing to me.

having my own space again

creating again

feeling like myself again.

becoming alone,

sleeping on my side of the bed with no one 

and inevitably getting nostalgic every once in a while.

using all that energy i spent on loving you, on loving myself.

wondering if i regret breaking up with you, and the other futures i’ve imagined.

realizing these theoreticals are meaningless anyway. 

[silksimulation]

i was never the girl who got you off when you were lonely. you didn’t want my body then, you wanted a memory that you loved and lost. you wanted to feel the vacancy reverberate throughout your entire body. you wanted to feel the subsequent emptiness that filled you right after you came as the fantasy faded away, and you returned back to the naked loneliness you’ve built for yourself. you wanted to turn your “past” lovers into cum stains on our shared bed.

you didn’t want me. you wanted to reaffirm your misery. you wanted proof. i could only prove that to you in my flaws. i couldn’t prove that to you with my body - no, i was too present, too tangible, too human. and i hated myself for it. 

[silksimulation]

i wanted so desperately to get a taste of what it feels to be the girl you longed for but couldn’t have. i wanted to be the voyeuristic photo saved in your phone when you got lonely. the girl who you could only dream of but not touch. the girl you were obsessed with in secret, digital space. but i was just a reality, a boring every day - a flawed and physical girl who you didn’t have to dream about anymore.

i was jealous of the women who only had to exist in that way:  a foolish fantasy, living in meticulously organized folders named “entertainment”, blissfully unaware of the way your gaze has stolen from them. the parallel universe you’ve created for them, suspended solely within your desires and your fucking dick. 

i had a fantasy of my own, about leaving you and forcing you to delete every single image of me so you’d have to memorize my face and the contours of my body. to torture you with the failure of recollection as that memory slipped away more and more each day. to become so blurred and abstracted that, like dissipating into water, ran a crystal clear, nearly invisible, glistening stream across your mind. and in this fantasy, you’d drown in it as i slowly disappeared, and i could finally be free.

[silksimulation]

kiss me

[silksimulation]

you were the boy 

with the false golden hair

and i will always remember

how it glowed in the sunlight 

and i will always forget

how it yellowed in the dark

[anormaux]

[silksimulation]

Because you know that I want to stay in this house forever I don't want to ever leave How could I ever live in another This is where I want to be

(the day we thought would be our last in berlin)

[silksimulation]

berlin ////// getting off to the memory of falling in and out of love with an ephemeral illusion

with crying in airports at the layover as the feeling of transience crashed into my skin

with the touch of yr hands on my thighs on a bench in a field with our moans drenched in the sound of german traffic and how in the morning it felt like i’d never felt the sun before

with the noise of our bodies coalescing into silent smiles, soured by the impossible dream

and i can’t distinguish heaven from hell or why this heaviness makes me feel like i’m floating

there's a droning comfort in that yr not meant to exist here and that none of this is real

but the weight of what's real seems infinitely light when i think of you

[ohrenoir]

Lust For Youth “Better Looking Brother" 

[silksimulation]

current feels

[silksimulation]

my new band, unbloom, is full of babes

for our first show, we open for no age this saturday at dreamgaze fest, we go on at 9:15

come hang!!! 

hmu on our facebook

[marcuscrassus]

[uvre-deactivated20160506]

Paul McCarthy

[birikforever]

Dino Valls

[silksimulation]

this is my aesthetic

[mikhxii-blog]

Tag yourself: Existentialist edition

[silksimulation]

i’ve totally dated all of these 

[silksimulation]

to be held by someone who understands you in all of yr strange, demented secrets and experiences is equal parts transcendental and absolutely terrifying