2/fifths (Hi64)

[silktherambler]

It's always embarrassing.

[silktherambler]

Lol I asked that because I'm like I personally don't know if I'd ever or if I'm in a place where mentally I'd want to mess with a man that has a lot of money, think I would put us in a hard position because he probably want to do a lot for me and I'd probably say no pretty often. I don't even ask my dad for help as much and that's probably where it stems from

[silktherambler]

Am I a loser? Lmk

[silktherambler]

I just want to fuck with a nigga with mad tattoos one time

[silktherambler]

I was wrong I told my father I wasn't Moody but I am LMAO. I'm just so vexed. I just feel like it's so hard to get good help good consideration good company at times. One thing that I'm mad about is how often I feel ignored and another thing I'm mad about that kind of goes hand in hand into that even though the first part is more specific towards like a specific person, it does go into it for the second thing, and it's support. Why do people act like they can't just share a flyer? Like sometimes I dream up the day that someone asks me hey I posted this or I was doing this event and you didn't you know posted or say anything how come you didn't say anything and I want to be like yeah when my group was doing events how many times did you share a flyer? Okay and when my current group is doing events, how often is it that you share a flyer without me having to ask you to or take a look at the flyer I like it and repost it or whatever? Right.

The same people that have to take up themselves and post a flyer, they can even like mine or repost mine just as a solid, I'm not saying show up I'm not saying pull up I'm just saying share my flyer. I don't think people understand how much of Wonder that would do for me if you would just share the flyer if you're not pulling up or you don't have plans pulling up that's fine. But it would be really helpful if you would just share the flyer. And it's really not that hard I'm just asking you to press a couple buttons on your screen to just share my flyer. And it makes me mad because you have no idea the amount of people around me whether they be close friends, friends or acquaintances that see I'm doing something and all it takes is a couple little buttons to share it and they skip past it. Then you hear things like oh we didn't know you were having a show but it says you liked the poster. It says you liked the flyer but you couldn't share the flyer and you couldn't remember the day it was. It just makes some of my effort feel so unnecessary

I want to start going to random shows and I can tell you one thing for a fact, especially now that my friend is going to stop performing with a certain group, you're not going to see me up most of their shows I mean I basically already stopped going anyway I was really only going just to support certain mutual friends. Oh something else just popped in my head okay I have to go LOL

[silktherambler]

I feel like when I'm asking for the kind of closest that I do want it comes off maybe codependent or something but I just want a best friend or a partner that I can do damn near everything with, I say damn near because I understand that we're not going to be able to do everything together all the time, I'm not asking for it to be all the time. I'm asking that we make time for each other and we take an interest in things that each other likes, and we have high levels of consideration for each other and each other's triggers and boundaries and standards. I think I'm a very accommodating person at times sometimes maybe too accommodating but I love a person that can be transparent and tell me what they need so that way I can know if that's something that I can supply or not and we can move on from there. Making new friends is really hard for me and finding people who I feel could be a partner is even more difficult. I see myself spending a lot more time alone, although it wouldn't make me happy, I'm hoping it wouldn't make me feel as frustrated as I do now. It might make me feel lonely, and I'm a little open to that because at the moment I don't know which one would put me in a depressive mood more, feeling lonely/ or even alone compared to just being frustrated all the time because I'm not getting what I need from the people that are currently around me

I have some good close friends, I have more friends and then I have even more acquaintances and I know that's how it's supposed to be. But I don't feel like I have a best friend and I have been saying this for about 2 years now. I know that's a little hurtful to all the very close friends around me including the people I do feel our best friends but like I want a best friend. I got best friends around me that I see often or hang out with here and there, but I don't have anybody that I can see like once a week. I don't have anybody that like just gets me physically around me anymore, there is one person I would say still gets me but he's a bit far, and so we don't really have anywhere to hang out as freely as we once did or to be around each other's livelihoods and schedules as much as we once were, and that does make me sad because he's probably one of the last people that I feel just understands or tries to make the effort to understand. Thank you if there's something that bothers me, it might annoy him but he will do the digging necessary to understand why it bothers me and what compromises we can actually make that do make the both of us comfortable. If I call him or I reach out to him or text him, I can expect that once he's free or once he notices, he will contact me back. He might get distracted a little bit sometimes depending on what he's doing but he tries his absolute best to give me genuine feedback in almost any situation I bring to him and also genuinely listens to my thoughts about it, helps me not to be too hard on myself too. If I wanted to hang out we could always hang out and that wasn't a problem, we could be be alone in each other's space, or just be busy annoying the hell out of each other. We still very twin like to this day, I love that we can just look at each other and know what the other is thinking. And I miss that but like in my physical proximity everyday, if I had to say like I had a best friend best friend it would be him but I do wish I had somebody like in my proximity I could just hang out with a lot more

[silktherambler]

Literally. I just want to have fun with someone who wants to have fun with me. Want to communicate with someone who wants to communicate with me. I want to hang out with someone who wants to also hang out with me a good amount. Just trying to live life really

[silktherambler]

Random but

Yk that debate about the "you could have just talked to me, no I couldn't have because etc etc etc" argument?

Maybe it's due to my experiences but that's a lil dumb to me.

I can definitely understand if your friend is doing something that is very noticeably discomforting, disrespectful, inconsiderate. But even then

You don't call it out?

Like in a sense you got to think about that, they're like you could have just talked to me which means they were doing something that made you uncomfortable, that's number one

Now if you say the person was like oh you could have just talked to me and the other person was like yeah but I did and I brought it up here here here and here

It's very understandable

But if the person says you could have just talked to me and you say I couldn't have because you're like XYZ, you technically are more of the problem because you had a problem with something and didn't word it so you didn't tell the person that you had an issue so they can either notice it or stop it and then when they asked you why you never brought it up, your reasoning falls back on their behavior which you failed to correct

Cuz when people be like oh I couldn't have talked to you, that's usually, not all the time and not all cases, but that's usually after a good amount of time of them still staying within the confines of the friendship or relationship

Once again, if it is that you already did explain what this person and they weren't listening that's just very different but for you to be sitting there noticing the persons doing something that's making you uncomfortable, not address it, decide to leave, and still not really address it and just be like well they weren't going to listen to me anyway, it just sounds a lot more like projection

Because technically if I was doing enough things to make you uncomfortable to the point where you no longer wanted to be my friend and you stayed being my friend without explaining to me the things that could help fix the friendship, you weren't listening to you. Obviously somewhere within your nervous system it was telling you that being my friend is not safe or doesn't feel like a safe space, and not only did you not explain this to me, you decided to stay there in that space while still not explaining it

There's nobody that I can think of off the top of my head, (so I'll take time to think about it lol) where they were doing something repeatedly to me, and I just stayed quiet and never mentioned it. At some point in time I had to address it with you that you were doing something or you carried a certain kind of behavior that was making me uncomfortable, especially if it starts getting to a point where I think that maybe being in the friendship might not be the best thing for me anymore, I am going to try and at least let you know that's how I'm feeling so we can see if there's a way that we can salvage the friendship because that's what you do with people that you're friends with but I forget that there's a lot of people that will feel like a person and them are friends but not really carrying it out in terms of connection

You call this person your friend but you don't rock the boat, you don't make things uncomfortable, you don't call them out when they're not being true to themselves or others, etc

There's a lot of people pleasers learning how to have boundaries but the problem is that not only are y'all doing it late, you're setting the boundary and then immediately being like well I set this boundary and now we are no longer friends since I set this boundary because there are things that you're doing

The way that boundaries are set up, you put them up when a person disrespects them after you put them up, because now they are very aware of your boundaries, then you cut them off

Do you have every right to cut them off prior to that, yes, but these are the same people that think that that person is the only one that added into the problem. You are also part of the problem. Your lack of communication and confrontation about feelings is the problem. Your complacency, or lack thereof is also technically the problem.

[silktherambler]

Mr Man finally admitted this whole time that he knows he been basically half dating me,

You know this nigga thought it had been 4 years already?

[silktherambler]

This was a good chunk of the reason why I could not stay with crown after a point in time because, his family would do stuff like that second sentence. There's a lot of infidelity in his family that just gets bypassed and it made me kind of uncomfortable

[fuckyeahchinesegarden]

Bamboo forest in Sichuan, China by 太湖老银鱼，Gx

[silktherambler]

See, this is why , in my mind , I can't do things the same way

So I told ridge, I have a deal with jumper, that anytime I ask jumper to help me with something, if I asked him to help me with it already, I am not allowed to pick it up and do it myself unless I really urgently need it done, but then he might pick himself up and do it because I need it urgently done

And ridge was like see that's a good deal, and I, I know my brain is very imaginative but I did have a slight assumption that he probably wished that I would be like that a little bit more with him too like if I ask him to do something I allow him to do it

But what he has to understand, is that he do not move with the same level of urgency as jumper. I can't rely on asking you to do something and you do it in your own good time when I might need it done at a quicker time than that. You also might not hit that urgency button even after I tell you that I need you to. What's an emergency to you is not an emergency to me and vice versa, so I understand if you don't see the urgency in it, but if I'm telling you that it's urgent to me cuz I would like to get it out the way or I have something I got to take care of in the next couple of hours so I'd like to tackle that now, then you have to be willing to listen to my instructions

I am only going to trust telling you what to do if I know that I can trust that you will listen to me, not partially, not halfway, but you will actually listen to me and hear what I'm saying to you

Another thing, if jumper sees my text, jumper is not going to sit there and act like he didn't see my text for the next 3 to 5 hours. But you know who would? Ridge. And Ridge has done that not only before, but he literally did it recently with some groceries I needed

He had it, and I was texting him asking him when he can bring it over, and I was left waiting for a response for over 3 hours. That's not cool. And being honest. There's not a lot of times I could sit there and be like yeah jumper would definitely do that to me. He would not, from my knowledge

And then something else happened that made me realize where it's so different

If I try and get ridge anything, it's a No-No this and a No-No that, no and no and save your money and spend your money on something better than me and yada yada yada

And don't get me wrong, jumper wasn't always easy to get stuff before, he was low-key a little bit the same way when we were in college, but he didn't have a choice but to grow out of it a little bit because we offered so much to him and we was like we're not going to always take no for an answer and you got to know that

So now, let's say I wanted to get Ridge something, I have to convince him to let me buy it

Yesterday I asked jumper if I could use his Amazon account, and he said yeah of course, helped me get in and all of that, and I saw this bowling bag in his cart and I text him and I'm like, hey did you want this bowling bag in your cart? And he thought you being nosy LOL, but yeah I was planning on buying it after I got the bowling ball. And I'm like oh. Well, I'm going to buy that for you now and he was like oh that's the Christmas present I said no think of it as a birthday present I still want to get your Christmas present with Henpen And her and I already agreed that we would do that so I can't just pick up a gif and give it to you like it's the Christmas gift from both of us cuz I didn't even tell her about it and

Side note I just had somebody do that to me, ask me if I want to team up to help give somebody a gift and then got the gift and gave it to the person all in one fell swoop and said nothing to me. I had to figure out from the person who was supposed to get the gift that they already got the gift, like that's how I got confirmation that the nigga already picked it up and he didn't say anything to me

So I told him I would get him the bag like a birthday present and he said okay then I will accept it and I appreciate that a lot. The next text I sent was, and bought

You see how easy that was. I didn't have to bargain I didn't have to go back and forth on how I can buy it or if I could buy it and what I'm allowed to do and what I should be doing with my money and the extra Ness, it was a quick interaction

This is why jumper is going to be allowed to get away with doing a lot of things with me and for me because I'm allowed to do a lot with him and for him, he is never going to sit there and see my text message unless she's in the middle of playing video games or work or he woke up for a quick moment out of his sleep but he's going right back to sleep

Even then he'll still be like yo my bad I was yada yada yada, when he's awake, I'll never go past 2 hours without him getting back to me if he seen that I tried to contact him. That's a really big thing for me

Recently Ridge and I have hit this part where he doesn't feel the need to check in everyday and to be honest that turns me off a lot because from the beginning I told him that if he's going to be fucking me then he needs to check on what I ate everyday. So for you to turn around now and make it different, it's not running on my time anymore and that was running on his timeing so I just have to take the check-ins when I get the check-ins but being honest with you, that makes me not want to check in at all and I know that that sounds very bratty but I already stated from the beginning that if you're going to be having a search at me you need to make sure that I eat everyday. He said that's no problem, especially cuz I'm not saying that you have to be the one to feed me I'm just saying you need to make sure that I ate

Because I get the emotional attachment that I want from Ridge I am thinking about putting myself outside a little bit even though I don't really want to, because, there is going to be someone that is going to check on me everyday and make sure that I eat everyday, and if it's not going to be Ridge, it's going to be someone else

[silktherambler]

I lied to someone and told them I could not help them on Valentine's Day cuz I have a date, and I don't but I wish I did lml

I can't wait to deal with an individual that makes me feel like all the past individuals are worth it. Man that ask me to be his Valentine. And plans a date. And wants to take me out

[cantcatchmeee]

Princess Diana’s Style

[veryluckyclovers]

[silktherambler]

One thing about me, and I don't know if it's toxic or not, but you got one time to blatantly disrespect me and you won't hear from me ever again

[silktherambler]

He keeps talking to me about things my future husband will do

Number one if you don't want to be with me that's fine you don't have to keep talking about my future partner

Number two, while I'm not upset I am annoyed at what happened today with the snow and my mom, and I'm starting to unfortunately get to a point where the aspect of having a man in my life sounds like it's just more work for me instead of someone who helps make life easier

I'm also starting to have a hard time believing that I make good choices in people so I think overall, I'm starting to see my life without kids and without a husband