I am not ok because I am scared. I am scared that I won’t get the grades I need for college. I am scared people will judge me for just being myself. I am scared of spiders. I am scared of being alone, both emotionally and going places, even if it’s as dumb as going to the bathroom, a fear that is realized by most high school girls. I am scared of losing the people and things I care about, and that category mostly consists of cats. But mostly, I am scared that once again you will feel that
1. I am not good enough
Or even worse
2. She is better and will make you feel more complete than I ever could.
I am scared that once again I will find out something that happened between you and someone else, even if it happened a little while ago, and that you didn’t have the balls to tell me about it. And that fear stems from my fear of being judged because I am too dumb to see the things you may be continuing to do to me, yet everyone else sees it. I do not want to be seen as dumb again. I do not want to be scared anymore.
I am not ok because I am paranoid. I am paranoid that when we aren’t talking, you are talking to someone else. I am paranoid that the only reason you talk to other girls is for a quick fix that, although you say you regret it later, you continue to do anyway. I am paranoid that the other girls want you, and you want them enough to either
A. Lie to them in order to keep talking to them
Or
B. Lie to me in order to keep talking to them, even if you claim you’re “just friends.”
I am paranoid that I am not the only one you care for the way you care for me when you are with me. I am paranoid that even though she is with him, she is still thinking of you. Even more so, I am paranoid that in the back of your head, she is still there. And that she will always be there, no matter what you tell me or try to convince yourself; because you will always care for her that way, and it will never change. I do not want to be paranoid anymore.
I am not ok because I am too cautious. I am cautious because I can’t allow myself to feel the way I did, it would kill me. Although it does feel that since then, a part of myself has already died. I am cautious because I used to trust and in doing so I lost my ability to trust. I don’t want to be cautious anymore.
I am not ok because I am nervous. I am nervous because no matter how much they are just “a bro” to you, I will never trust you with another girl and that will make you resent me. I am nervous that I will once again allow myself to trust and you will once again break that trust. I am nervous because I am not ok with drugs and alcohol, which isn’t normal for a teenager, and the reason I’m nervous about this is because I don’t want you to go behind my back or feel the need to do those things to feel whole. I want to make you feel whole, but I don’t think I do make you whole, even though you do that for me. I don’t want to be nervous anymore.
I really don’t want to be these things. I don’t want to be scared, paranoid, cautious, or nervous when we are not together. I don’t want to constantly check up on you. I do not want to ever have any doubt that you don’t love me, or that you ALSO love someone else in the same way. Worse, I do not want you to feel that I am not enough for you, or that going to someone else is ok. I do not want you to think that it is ok to tell someone you like them in order to continue to be friends with them because that isn’t a friendship, that’s a girl liking you and it’s you validating her and your feelings, even if you SAY it’s a lie; because honestly, some of it must be true for you. I don’t want to be not ok.
I am not ok with the way you made me feel. I am not ok that you think I have done equally bad things in this relationship, because everything you claim I did wrong happened before we were even together. I am not ok that you don’t appear to put as much effort into this relationship when we are not together, granted when we are together you’re affectionate and I am not saying otherwise. I am just not ok with the fact that you leave for hours and don’t tell me where you are or even what you are doing. The reason I am not ok is because when I was ok with all of that, when I was trusting, when I wasn’t scared or paranoid, you were making my biggest fears come alive. And even when I was paranoid, you lied and scolded me and yelled at me and berated me until I felt so bad I cried in front of you and apologized and you sat there guilty and ok with the fact that I wasn’t ok.
But what sucks is that I am not ok with us not being together. I am not ok with having to feel the pain of not being with you, which is more painful in the long run then the pain you caused me. And that was a pain I have never in my life felt and I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, not even her.
But I am with you. So in that sense I will be ok.
And for your sake:
I am ok.
izzy806
yousharknotpass
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
germansingergirl
kianamaiart
stormborns
gracieabrams
