Struggle.
Struggle. What a word. Its a word we all know and see and look at and probably even experience. I struggle to make this blog and keep up with it. I struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY. With something, I struggle. My latest and most on going struggle is my faith. Having the faith that is concreted in God. Trusting in him to take my life and make it his. To help me. For me, It is so hard to relinquish any control to anyone. I want it my way or the highway. Thats just the trouble with me I guess.Â
But you see, the thing about God, he doesn't want to be my copilot, letting me drive and taking over when I can't go on any more. He doesn't want that at all. He wants to be the pilot AND the copilot. He wants me to be a passenger maybe having a small say in the direction we are going but in the end, it is his decision to make. THAT SCARES ME TO DEATH. How can I trust anyone with that much power in my life? How can I let someone have complete and total control of what I do like that?
Today, someone said something to me that made me feel a little bit better. He said, "If your faith hasn't been pushed and tested to the limit and you haven't at least questioned God's presence in your life at this point then something needs to happen. You need to be seeking him more until you can say and know that without a doubt that God is on your side and that he is there for you. You need to think of any scenario and work through it and still know that God is God. Realize that no matter what you do God is going to love you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. Your faith has to be concrete, strong, and whole"
Bottom line: That is exactly what I needed to hear today. I have felt so far from God's presence for so long. I have been running in the other direction from what I should be doing. I should be clinging to him with everything that I have, but instead I have been running and trying to do everything on my own. I have put God in the copilot seat and he hasn't been happy there. Sure, God has been so patient and is continuing to be patient with me. I am working and trying to gather up the pieces of my faith that I have broken all around me. The faith that I had built so high, I have shattered it. Slowly but surely, the wall that is my faith is being constructed once again. This time, stronger. This time, my own without the help of my parents or whoever else. It's mine. No one else's.Â













