This isn't a sexy one, I'm afraid. But there is a picture at the end.
TL;DR: I want to start doing things again, but everything is different now.
It's been a year now since I had to stop working because of my health issues. A year of trying to both figure out how to minimise the effects of what turned out to be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and trying to come to terms with the reality of living with it. With the limitations it's put on me both in terms of the work I'm capable of and the life I'm able to live.
Both are very much a work in progress.
At the tail end of 2024 I was excited. I'd got into what felt like a flow with my work, I was proud of what I was producing. I was making a living from kink! Producing files, sessions, teaching. And then it all went downhill.
Now everything is an effort. My main work each day is resting and taking care of myself to avoid a deeper crash. I use a powered wheelchair for any journey longer than twenty metres. I need help to wash my hair. I sleep twelve plus hours a day. Where once I'd do four or five intense scenes at a play event, now I'm lucky to be able to manage one low-intensity scene, and then head home early. I can't even manage an hour of working at my computer without it exhausting me.
It's been quite the adjustment. I've put a lot of effort in learning my capabilities and limitations. That's the easy part, as complex as it is. What's been a lot harder is dealing with the grief. The grief of lost opportunities, of lost capabilities. Of mourning the life and career I thought I would have. Of seeing a thousand reminders of what I can't have without an intense struggle.
In short, it sucks. I feel isolated from the community that I'd made my home. Kink isn't a hobby for me, it's what I'd built my life around. And I miss being immersed in that side of things.
Not that I've been on my own in this, of course. My sub and my other partners have been remarkable, helping and supporting and taking on the parts of day-to-day life that I can't manage. We've worked to find new ways to play that are more accessible, and even as I've missed the old flavour of intensity it's been a joy to find new ways to express our dynamics.
But I do believe that the need for community and the need for company and intimacy are different, and can't be fulfilled by the other. I miss being a part of the scene.
So I think it's time to get back into things. I don't know exactly what that means, but I'm excited to find out. And there are some things I do know.
I know that I'm just as passionate about teaching as I ever was, and want to do what I can to help people find ways to do kink that work for them - and that I now have new perspectives on what that can look like. I want to write, some posts like this and maybe work (very slowly) on the books I've been meaning to get to. I've considered offering mentorship for tops who want to explore their dominance.
I know that there are silver linings that I want to press into. Not working means not having to maintain a professional persona - and so I can be authentically myself without worrying about optics. Not being allowed to earn money (thanks, bullshit UK disability benefits) means I can just do what appeals and I want.
And I know that despite being disabled I'm still a damned good domme, a great teacher, and devastatingly sexy. Time to put those things to work.
